No Moment of Charm Born on Bare Soil
by Pseudoavatar
Summary: An innocent Valentine's Day Potions assignment leads to a string of events which nobody could have predicted. Months later, the familiar safety of the Potions classroom is long gone, and everyone must choose where their loyalties lie. Even those most intent not to. S/L, eventually AU.
1. The class in the dungeons

Note: I own nothing, everything belongs to J.K.R. apart from the quotes at the beginning of each chapter.

""

 _The potion drunk by lovers is prepared by no one but themselves. The potion is the sum of one's whole existence. Every word spoken in the past accumulated forms and color in the self. What flows through the veins besides blood is the distillation of every act committed, the sediment of all the visions, wishes, dreams, and experiences. All the past emotions converge to tint the skin and flavor the lips, to regulate the pulse and produce crystals in the eyes..._

 _No moment of charm without long roots in the past, no moment of charm is born on bare soil, a careless accident of beauty, but is the sum of great sorrows, growths, and efforts._

\- Anaïs Nin

""

He hated Potions.

With ease, with skill, he built up the liquid until it was the way he desired; perfect, inimitable, complete. A touch of it on his tongue, and he would be helpless. So he used gloves and great care, making sure every drop remained in the cauldon, where it shimmered nearly translucently and looked perfectly innocent. He hated his creation and what it could do, wanted to throw it out, but he didn't. Instead he collected some with a pipette and contained it into a flask, which he then went to position on Slughorn's desk.

Lily wasn't done yet, he noticed, as he went back to sit next to her. Behind her, Potter was eagerly craning his neck and eyeing her with poorly masked desire, sloppily pouring a measuring glass full of his own potion all over the desk as he tried to aim it into his flask. Severus sneered at him. Lily's potion was shimmering its mother-of-pearl shade as she kept up her careful stirring, first in a clockwise motion with her left hand, then anti-clockwise with her right hand. The liquid in her cauldron smelled earthly, like the old cellar in her house, and like smoky firewood from the fireplace of the commonrooms; and like her skin, too, floral and deep. Severus shivered when the scent reached his nose.

He hated Potions. He had to sit next to Lily in Potions.

"Those of you who chose to make Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium – time's up in five – four – three- two - one!" Slughorn announced, looking at his pocket watch and then frowning at the classroom, where only Severus sat without simmering or still hastily cutting ingredients. "And those of you who are preparing Amortincia – five more minutes, shouldn't take more than that."

Lily was still stirring, her face set in a decisive frown, her cheeks slightly pink. Severus could tell from the seducing scents of the potion that it would be perfectly brewed. And possibly heavily adapted, knowing her style. He bent over his own textbook and made a few markings on the page which addressed Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium (" _let boil for 45 seconds, not 60"_ and " _add two drops of juniper oil together with the lavender oil",_ and finally _"add ground arugula instead if saltweed"_ ) and then started wiping his desk. Beside him, Lily was preserving her potion in a flask; she didn't use a pipette, but instead guided the liquid with her wand, and it gleamed in the air like a silvery snake. Severus couldn't help but admire her charm as the potion gracefully ran down the neck of the flask and took back its liquid shape. If they were still talking to one another, he'd have asked her what spell she was using. Lily shook the flask tenderly to check the consistency, then went to hand it over to Slughorn.

"How did yours turn out, Evans?" Severus heard Potter use an unnaturally low voice when he hurried after Lily to drop off his own potion by the Professor's desk. A couple of chatty Gryffindor girls passed by Severus right then, obstructing his view of the pair and muffling Lily's reply.

"Time's up, everyone. You, too, Mr. Avery. Hands off the cauldron", Slughorn said as Lily returned to her seat. He waited another minute, then waved his wand and two dozen flasks catapulted from the desks and landed in a neat order on his own. Severus heard Pettigrew moan in irritation; he'd probably not had the time to bottle his brew, the imbecil. Slughorn raised the flasks one by one, eyeing the liquids with a critical eye, shaking his head or nodding approvingly. Severus saw several attempts which didn't look remotely like neither Amortencia nor Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium.

"Sloppy consistency, Murray. Alice, not bad for a first attempt, but you have added too much unicorn hair, see how it looks oily on the bottom... is this supposed to be Amortencia or Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium, Mulciber? My, boy, _how_ did you even manage to turn it that colour?" Slughorn frowned as he pushed away a flask containing a groggy, brown mixture. "James, I believe you've forgotten to add snowberry juice, this is still much too pink... Ah! _Lily_ – a most perfect Amortencia." Slughorn nodded appreciatively as he examined the liquid labelled with Lily's name. "I see you have added a drop of salamander venom, that's an excellent choice– it will triplicate the length of the half-life, of course... twenty points to Gryffindor. Ah! And, here now, a perfect sample of Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium! Who made it... Severus Snape, why, of course!"

Slughorn smiled warmly at Severus as he examined the translucent colour. "A bold choice, I believe you were the only one who chose this particular brew... a beautiful consistency, too, you can see how it looks almost like steam in its natural state inside the flask, yet settles into a liquid if shaken." Slughorn opened the flask and sniffed. "And you have added a little twist, too, unless I'm mistaken?"

"Yes, professor", Severus said. "I added a few drops of juniper oil, and used dried arugula instead of saltweed."

"Ah! A very interesting choice, my boy. I assume you added juniper oil to counteract the possible fever – an unfortunate, if rare, side effect of Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium, caused by overt excitement", Slughorn explained to the rest of the class, nodding approvingly as he assessed Severus. "But may I ask, why arugula?"

Severus cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Because of its Aphrodisiac properties, sir. Since the potion was to be brewed in... ah... celebration of Valentine's Day, I thought it'd be appropriate."

Slughorn beamed at him. Severus heard muffled whispers and a mocking laugh from behind him, and guessed that Potter and Black were making fun of his choice of adaptation. He glanced a Lily quickly; she was staring at the blackboad expressionlessly.

"What an innovative idea!" Slughorn proclaimed and raised Severus's flask for all to see. "Unlike Amortencia, this little potion here is not an actual Love Potion. With little adaptation, it can be transformed into a relaxant, a confidence brew, an aphrodisiac... the options are limitless, with this handy little potion! But this version here -" he raised the flask even higher. "- is indeed a perfect potion for Valentine's Day."

Severus heard whispers all around him now: his potion was clearly a subject of interest. After receiving Slughorn's directions and a choice between two potions, most students had just skimmed over its impressive ingredient list and moved over to prepare the somewhat simpler, and more familiar, Amortencia. Severus noticed that Lily was now eyeing her textbook, reading about Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium. Potter and Black were still whispering to one another in the second row. Slughorn cleared his throat and the classroom fell silent again.

"You see, students, this potion causes the crumbling of emotional walls, of logical excuses – making it the perfect brew to help pre-existing feelings to emerge and seek completion! Often used as part of marital councelling." Slughorn nodded ceremoniously. "I often say that no potion can imitate love – and indeed it is true – but with this potion, for 24 sweet hours after digestion, love seeks more love! Attraction creates more attraction! Desire – uh, well... perhaps everyone can read up more about this subject in their textbooks. Twenty points to Slytherin, for an excellent, aphrodisiac Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium. No homework today, go and enjoy the Valentine's Day! And for Sluggers – don't forget the party tonight! The theme is, of course - romance!"

Slughorn winked jocularly, waved his wand and all of the room's cauldrons emptied with a slurping sound, as though a cork had opened at the bottom of each cauldron. Lily pushed her textbook and quill to the bottom of her bag, threw the bag over her shoulder and then walked past Severus without saying a word, as usual. But her shoulder briefly touched him as she passed him, and he was rather happy she didn't see the faint blush which he felt spread on his face as he savoured the brief moment of accidental intimacy.

As Severus joined Evan Rosier and Horton Avery, who were already making their way out the door, he suddenly heard a rousing sound followed by an exclamation from behind himself, and turned to look. Pettigrew had somehow managed to light his desk on fire and was jumping up and down, sucking on his burnt finger; Slughorn was already hurrying towards the desk, his wand out and a displeased look on his face. Potter had apparently burned his sleeve, and was hurrying towards the washbasin behind Slughorn's desk, rubbing his arm. Severus smiled darkly and left the room.

Lily was ahead of him, walking with Mary and Alice. He heard her lamenting the fact that her friends weren't invited to Slug Club's Valentine's Day party.

"Maybe I can smuggle you in after Professor Slughorn's had a few snaps, he's usually rather jolly by dessert -"

"Never mind, I have a date with Sirius. Unless he cancels, _again_ , in which case I'm gonna shove his wand up his -"

Potter and his friends passed Severus and hurried after the girls. Potter shouldered Severus roughly on his way, then turned to give him a smug, unpleasant smile. Severus curled his fingers around his pocketed wand.

"Aphrodisiac, huh? In your dreams, mate... See ya later, Snivellus..."

Black clapped Potter's shoulder appreciatively and then hurried ahead to wrap his arm around Mary's waist, the rest of the gang speeding up to catch him. It appeared as though Slughorn had sprayed water on Pettigrew because his robes were soaked and he was leaving wet footprints on the stone floor, his robes smelling strongly of smoke. Lupin was conspicuously absent from the group. Potter was holding his hands in his pocket, obstructing Severus's view of his hands, but Severus hoped his burns were extensive.

"Stupid fuck," Evan muttered under his breath. "Doesn't have the guts to do anything now that Evans is here... I heard from Epsilom he's behaving like a real sheep around her these days, trying to convince her he's _changed._.. as if..."

Severus said nothing, but thought he was probably right. He heard Potter again use his low, unnatural voice as the offered Lily first chocolate frogs, then butter beer, both of which she curly refused to Severus's immense pleasure. Apparently his act hadn't worn Lily out just yet.

He wasn't particularly looking forwards getting to spend the entire evening at Slughorn's party, having to look at Potter's obsequious growelling and boasting in front of Lily. Well, at least Black wouldn't be there – Slughorn had stopped inviting him last year after his grades had dropped.

 _And if there's nothing else to wait for,_ he thought ruefully as he made his way upstairs for dinner, _at least Lily always looks especially attractive in Slughorn's parties._

 _""_

Note: This story starts off at Severus and Lily's last year at Hogwarts, making them 18 years old at the time. This should be easy to deduce also from the story, but I just want to make this 100% clear, because this fic will have adult content, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Note 2: This fic was inspired by the Anaïs Nin quote at the beginning. The quote also describes the effect of Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium as I imagined it, and I also think that that quote was in the official description of their Potions textbook...

Note 3: This story is a S/L fix-it and eventual AU, but if you are absolutely allergic to James, beware, there might be some content which you won't enjoy ahead of you :)

All reviews are much appreciated!


	2. The party on the attic

""

 _Either give me more wine or leave me alone._

\- Rumi

""

After dinner Severus retired to the common room, where he diligently opened up his Arithmancy books and started writing the essay which was due the following Monday. It was quiet in the common room for once; in addition to himself, there were only a few first and second year students who were playing Exploding Snap by a round table. Everyone else seemed to have disappeared into the castle's countless quiet nooks and corners, where only occasional giggling and muffled gasps suggested to unsuspecting passers-by of the private activities taking place.

Valentine's Day was one of those rare days when Hogwarts's usually rather strict moral discipline seemed to vanish to the wind, along with teachers who, probably to avoid the embarrassment of walking into a scene they did not wish to witness, seemed to be conspicuously absent from corridors after sundown. Only Filch and his cat scouted the corridors in the lower floors, sneaking up to younger students who didn't yet know the best hiding places, dishing out detentions here and there. Upon hearing the sound of his boots hitting the stone floor, many a red-faced and wrinkle-clothed student scattered from shadows trying to escape his boney fingers and wheezy shrieks.

When the clock approached nine, Severus dropped his books to the dormitory (where he noticed that the curtains around Horton's bed where suspiciously closed), dragged himself into the shower and then changed into his only celebratory robes, which were also black and didn't differ much from the robes they usually wore, except by the quality of the material and the cut of the tail. After drying his hair, he made his way towards the attic space on the the top floor where Slughorn usually held his parties. Several students were already walking that way, each wearing fancy robes; the girls in a variation of colors, but the boys usually in black, grey or blue. A large group of girls passed Severus; they had sparkly accessories in their hair and had sprayed what seemed like a swimming pool's worth of perfume on themselves. They were Slytherins, and he hastened his pace to catch them.

Severus never went to Slughorn's parties in time, instead opting to wait just a while past the hour – it made it much easier to blend into the crowd and avoid Slughorn's jovial greetings. He made sure to sneak in to the attic behind the girls, and then tried to camouflage himself against a pair of velveteen curtains as he eyed his surroundings.

The room itself was rather disgustingly covered in pink and red, and had the general atmosphere of a wedding as planned by 10 year-old girls. The lighting was subdued and dark, and the air was heavy with some sort of a sweet perfume; or perhaps it was just the combined smell of all the perfumed teenagers in the room. The floor was covered in what appeared to be rose petals. Heavy red and pink velvet curtains surrounded the room from all sides, creating a slightly stuffy and claustrophobic atmosphere. Severus saw a giggling, blushing couple emerge from beyond one curtain; it appeared like the curtains were there to provide privacy for exactly the sort of activities the couple seemed to have enjoyed just a moment ago, and he thought that Filch would probably have a field day if he got into his head to come and check the Professor's dinner party.

House elves were flitting around the room, each wearing a pink or red toga, and they were holding golden plates filled with pink, sugar-coated tartelettes and glitter-rimmed champagne flutes. Severus grabbed a skågen on his way and eyed the ceiling, which was covered in white and red heart shaped balloons. A note of some sort hung from the string attached to each balloon.

The Slytherin girls he had come in with scattered around the room, talking excitedly and gasping at the sight of all the pink and glitter which permeated the room. In the middle of the space there was a long table set with golden plates and silver cutlery, and as the girls moved out of his way, his eyes immediately settled on the familiar, green-clad and red-haired figure sitting on one end, just a few feet away. His heart literally skipped a beat; she looked stunning.

Lily met his eyes briefly, then pursed her lips and turned her head away, towards a younger Hufflepuff boy sitting on the other side of her. Potter was sitting on her other side, leaning towards her eagerly, and sneaking his arm around the back rest of her chair. But Lily got up before his attempt was realised, much to Potter's apparent dismay.

"Excuse me, but I'll just go get a drink and -"

"Let me!" Potter was quick on his feet. "No, it's no trouble – really – what do you feel like? Firewhiskey? Daisyroot Draught? Nettle wine?"

"Oh. Elf-made wine, if they have any", Lily said. "Uh... thanks."

She sat down, looking rather relieved to be alone as Potter scrambled towards the bar. Severus felt a cold bang in the bottom of his stomach; this was one of those moments, when _before,_ they would've exchanged one of their private " _isn't Potter an idiot_ " looks. _Before_ , being before he shot a hole through their friendship, that is. Instead she turned her head decidedly towards the Hufflepuff boy, and Severus averted his eyes.

He advanced towards the far end of the table, moving sideways against the dark curtains and scanning his surroundings. Most of the guests seemed to have arrived already; students and teachers alike sat at the long table, some were circling the room or rested their legs on the many fluffy velvet-covered divans and armchairs scattered around the room. He saw Professors Flitwick and Kettleburn toasting by the fireplace; Professor Kettleburn seemed to have trouble holding his champagne flute (a group of bowtruckes had bit off his thumb in a tragic accident the previous year).

He tried to sneak to one of the shadowy corners of the attic room, away from the table where Lily was sitting (perhaps somewhere where he could discreetly watch her, but where she wouldn't see him) but before he could disappear out of sight, he felt a large hand settle on his shoulder and nearly jumped out of his skin from surprise.

"Ah! Severus! I was just talking about you -", Slughorn said in a pleased, slightly raised voice. He had apparently pulled open the curtain Severus had been hiding against, revealing a little private nook, complete with comfy armchairs and side tables. He was holding a large glass of brandy, and his face was already a little reddish. Albus Dumbledore was standing next to him with a polite smile on his face, wearing a rather eye-catching purple silk robe and holding a pint of mead in his hand. "I was telling Albus about that excellent Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium you made today... Too bad, too bad... oh, but boys will be boys! Little pranks must always be forgiven, eh?"

And Slughorn waved his hand jovially, as though shooing an invisible fly. Severus had no clue what Slughorn was on about. Dumbledore was sipping his mead and eyeing Severus with a mildly interested look on his face.

" An interesting potion, that Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium! Or ApsiAbsinthi as it's commercially called! The ready-made potion is not as potent, of course. But I dare say, among us friends, that it very well might have saved the marriage of my parents at one time... Although I would like to think that not by the means your particular potion employed, my dear boy..." Slughorn guffawed and winked at Severus, who suddenly wished he too had a glassful of alcohol to drown.

"I hope that the Amortencias your class brewed today are secured, Horace", said Dumbledore and turned his grey eyes towards Slughorn. "Although there has been talk of the law being overturned, they are still currently banned by the Department of Intoxicating Substances. I dare say dear old Cornelius would demand my head on a silver platter if he heard such potentially harmful substances were brewed in this school... Especially since the, hm, _moral_ of the school seems to be a special concern for many of our dear friends in the Ministry."

Slughorn waved his hand again and didn't look remotely concerned. "Now, now, these days, they have better things to do at the Ministry than stalk the potions cabinet at Hogwarts! And I can assure you, Albus, that the Amortencias brewed today have been Vanished a long time ago... Indeed, I have learned my lesson... I am by no means foolish enough to leave that stuff lying about the school, with all these teenagers around – ah! But there's Lily, the other star of today's class – you should certainly be familiar with her, Albus? She's the Head Girl... She's sitting next to Potter, he's the Head Boy... I believe you're familiar with him, too, Albus..."

"Indeed, Horace", Dumbledore mused. "I do believe Mr. Filch has brought up his name a time or two during the years..."

To Severus's relief, Slughorn pulled Dumbledore behind him and led way towards Lily, who was still sitting at the table talking to the Hufflepuff boy, and evidently tried not to care about Potter, who had returned with her drink and was now eagerly trying to join the conversation from her other side. She had crossed her arms and seemed to be instinctively leaning away from Potter, who in turn was leaning towards her, making them both look oddly lopsided. Dumbledore nodded at Severus as he followed Slughorn, leaving him standing in the corner nook alone. Feeling a little out of place and exposed, he decided to go and get a drink, too.

A house elf handed him a Firewhiskey and he took a gulp, coughing a little when the strong drink burned his mouth. Then, to his horror, he saw that Slughorn was hailing at him to come and join them at the table.

"Severus! Come here, my boy! You can sit here, next to Evans-" he pushed the Hufflepuff out of the chair and gestured at Severus. "There now, that's better. I know you two like to sit next together." And he smiled as thought he was doing him a favour.

Severus crumpled on the chair the Hufflepuff had abandoned, and didn't dare look at Lily, instead keeping his eyes strictly on the golden brown liquid at the bottom of his glass; Lily grabbed the goblet of Elf-made wine Potter had brought her and took a long gulp. Potions was one of the rare classes where they had assigned seats, and since they had sat together since first year, they had been stuck in the uncomfortable seating situation for nearly two years now. But naturally Slughorn was still blissfully unaware of their deteriorated relationship.

"Champagne!" Slughorn said to a passing house elf, downing the rest of his brandy in one large gulp. The tiny elf re-appeared almost immediately, holding a large tray over its head. A glitter-rimmed champagne flute was thrust into Severus's hand. There was a heart-shaped strawberry at the bottom of the glass.

"Let's drink to a wonderful, romance-filled evening! Well, it certainly should be romantic for you youngsters – probably no such luck for us two old boys..." He playfully poked at Dumbledore in the ribs with the tip of his elbow.

"Indeed, indeed... Although I must say, Pomona looks distinctively charming tonight." Dumbledore said and corrected his eyeglasses, saluting the Herbology teacher, who was sitting by herself on a plush divan in the corner, nursing a rather large glass of sherry and looking somewhat more scrubbed and dirt-free than usual.

"She does, doesn't she?" Slughorn agreed happily and took a gulp of his champagne, then made a face as the bubbles got into his nose.

Potter thrust his champagne flute against Lily's and nearly knocked its contents in her lap.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Evans! To a wonderful evening."

"What? Oh, yeah... right. Happy Valentine's Day, Potter."

"And from me too, Lily, my dear girl!" Slughorn said and clinked his glass against Lily's. This time some of the champagne actually spilled in her lap, and she wiped it with a napkin, saying nothing.

Dumbledore raised his glass at her but didn't clink, then did the same at Severus and Potter, who mirrored him enthusiastically. Severus held on to his flute as Slughorn thrust his flute against it and wished him a merry Valentine's Day. After Slughorn had also clinked Potter's glass, a short silence ensued. And then, because she apparently felt coerced into it, Lily turned towards Severus.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Severus", she mumbled and clinked his glass quickly, their eyes meeting briefly. Severus felt warm inside as her green eyes skimmed him over, his own name from her lips ringing pleasantly in his ears. Had her eyes always been that green?

"Gather 'round, guests, gather round!" Slughorn bellowed and gestured at the rest of the guests to join them. "I believe it's time for food!"

As he spoke, the plates filled with food. Professor Sprout came to sit on the other side of Slughorn, and they were soon immersed in conversation about the best way to preserve herringpickle fruits. Dumbledore was inquiring the slighted Hufflepuff boy about his gravy preferences; the boy's hands were shaking as he tried to dice his steak into smaller pieces. From the corner of his eye Severus saw Lily smile encouragingly at the boy.

Severus dug into his steak with a little more enthusiasm than was normal, and wondered if maybe, just maybe, after a couple more glasses of Elf-made wine, he could perhaps ask Lily how she was doing... they'd start talking... he could apologise and she would accept it with teary eyes... in his mind's eye, he imagined Lily hugging him, promising that from now on, everything would be just like it was before...

"Interesting decorations, Horace", he heard Professor Sprout say as she peered at the ceiling. "What are all those little notes hanging from the balloons?"

"Oh, just a little something to set the spirit." Slughorn said and smiled cryptically.

Severus saw Professor Sprout reaching for a note, her lips silently moving as she read whatever it was that was written on it. Her face turned a little red and she slipped the note in the pocket of her robe.

"So, N.E.W.T.'s, huh?" Potter said to Lily as he pushed oven potato into his mouth. "Much harder to study for than O.W.L.'s, isn't it? Since they're looking for adaptation abilities, silent magic, wandless magic..."

"Wandless magic?" The young Hufflepuff boy asked, looking glad to be able to stop his conversation with the Headmaster. But Potter didn't have the time to reply, because Dumbledore nodded and joined the conversation.

" The N.E.W.T. indeed tests creative abilities along with standard practical and theoretic abilities. But don't be alarmed, Mr. Pucks" – he nodded at the Hufflepuff who looked rather terrified - "it's an excellent opportunity to put forth one's best abilities. Not everyone is able to create wandless magic, and not all magic can be made without a wand. That ability is among some of the most advanced of magical skills."

"Our Lily here is excellent at wandless magic!" Slughorn chimed in. "Show them, my dear girl, what beautiful magic you can do! Wandless transfiguration and charms – saw her doing it just last week at breakfast – and the things she did! Go on, show us!"

Lily looked rather stiff.

"Indeed, I would be pleased to see what you can do, Ms. Evans, if it's not too much trouble for you", Dumbledore said politely.

"Yeah, go ahead, Evans", Potter said. "Show us what you got." He eyed her as though he was actually talking about something quite other than her magical abilities.

Severus said nothing, but turned his head towards her. He was, in fact, extremely interested in seeing Lily perform wandless magic. He had always admired her magic; there was some sort of a controlled, aesthetically pleasing quality about it, which he found very appealing.

"All right then", Lily agreed. She set down her cutlery and stood up. Severus noticed that she was blushing a little, and he couldn't really blame her as Professors Dumbledore, Slughorn and Sprout, along with himself and Potter, all leaned towards her in interest.

Lily leaned to take Slughorn's empty glass of brandy into her hand.

"May I?" She asked, but didn't wait for an answer. Instead she moved the glass in the middle of the table and put her hand above it. Everybody leaned a little closer, staring at the glass now. Severus eagerly joined in.

Lily wiggled her fingers gently above the glass. As they watched, the glass swelled, two times its size, no, three times, no, even larger – the base of the glass melted into the bottom. When her hand stilled, the glass stabilised, and Severus realised he was staring at a round bowl.

Lily made a graceful, round sweeping motion above the bowl. Water was suddenly brimming from the bottom, raising towards the edges in a whirlpool motion. It stopped a few inches below the edges. She made a motion with her index finger; like she was pushing an invisible button. A small, pale thing appeared gloating on the water's surface. Everyone leaned closer to look at it...

But Lily sat down and crossed her arms. Severus turned to look at her; also the teachers raised their faces from the bowl and looked at her expectantly.

"A... a lily petal?" Slughorn said, uncertainly, looking a little disappointed as he observed the petal floating in the watery bowl.

Lily smiled.

"Not a lily petal", she said cryptically. "Touch it, professor."

Slughorn reached towards the bowl with a shaking hand. When his fingers met the petal, he gasped: gracefully, beautifully, the white petal swirled like watercolor in a pond, and in its place was suddenly an orange goldfish. It paddled its fins once as though trying them out, then started swimming around the bowl.

"That's... that's beautiful!" Slughorn said tearily. Potter was staring at Lily as though he had never seen anything so impressive in his life. Even Dumbledore looked quite impressed.

"Good, because it's yours now, Professor." Lily said. "Happy Valentine's Day."

Slughorn looked as though he might start crying. "My dear girl... how thoughtful... how sweet... what's its name?"

"Um... Francis", Lily said. Then she giggled a little. "Actually, no. I just made that up. You can name it whatever you want."

"Francis!" Slughorn breathed and looked at Lily with dewy, teary eyes, encircling the bowl with his arms.

"My congratulations, Ms. Evans", Dumbledore said and again saluted her with his champagne flute. "That was very beautiful magic. I advise you use wandless magic to your advantage in the N.E.W.T.'s. It nearly always guarantees special attention from the judges. A bit of dramatics never hurt either." And he winked playfully at her.

Lily blushed again, looking quite satisfied with herself. Severus was staring at the goldfish which was slowly swimming around the bowl, lost in his thoughts. It had indeed been very exceptional magic. He had to admit that he couldn't have done anything similar without the help of his wand.

Severus had thought himself quite adept at wandless magic by now, but most of the wandless magic he had so far managed to perform had focused on himself; for instance, he could Disillusion himself rather well without as wand by now, and he could also wandlessly perform Legilimency and Occlumency if he had proper eye contact and proximity to the other person. But externalised wandless magic was much harder; he had no idea where, and how, Lily had learned it. Flitwick didn't usually waste too much time in the theory behind wandless magic as most students never learned it. And it wasn't like she had any family to coach her in the matter, either. With a sad bang in his chest, he realised that by now there must be countless of things he no longer knew about her, her polished magical abilities just the peak of the iceberg.

As Slughorn and Sprout went back to their discussion, Dumbledore finished the rest of his champagne and then got up.

"I'm afraid I must leave you already, Horace. Thank you very much for the invitation, it was most thoughtful of you."

Slughorn turned to look at him, pulling his hand off Professor Sprout's knee. "This early? But the night is still young! My dear Albus, it's only half ten!"

"Indeed it is, but I simply must catch up on my correspondence," Dumbledore said. "I wish you the very best of evenings. Ms. Evans" - he nodded at her - "Misters Snape, Potter. And Pomona."

Bowing slightly and then disappearing beyond the deep red curtains with surprising speed, Dumbledore left the attic. A silence ensued, as the Hufflepuff dug into his steak, which he had apparently been too nervous to eat. Potter was absent-mindedly poking at the melting wax of one of the candles on the table, having already finished his food; Lily was quietly sipping her drink and avoiding all eye contact; Severus stared at the lonely heart-shaped berry at the bottom of his now-empty champagne flute.

"Oh!" Lily exclaimed abruptly. Startled, Severus turned to look at her. She had straightened her back and was staring in front of her with a very strange look on her face. She was breathing heavily and her mouth was open. As he watched worriedly, her cheeks turned bright red, she closed her eyes and mouth, and then suddenly pushed herself off the table.

"S- sorry", she stammered as she got up, ungracefully knocking her hip against the table which shook from the impact. "I need to... uh... go lie down for a bit."

"Are you all right, my dear girl?" Slughorn asked with a worried voice, but she was already hurrying across the room, dodging house elves and then disappearing beyond one of the curtains.

"It must've been the champagne, poor girl... it's quite strong." Slughorn said to Professor Sprout and grabbed another flute from a passing elf. But he turned to look after her with a contemplative look on his face, his brow setting in a frow.

"I'll go check on her", Potter said and got up quickly, ruffling his hair. Severus wished he had a good reason to tell him to stuff it – he wished _he_ could go and ask her what was wrong, instead of that damn _Potter_ \- but since Lily hadn't voluntarily spoken to him in nearly two years, and therefore probably wouldn't welcome his company any more than Potter's, he settled on staring at Potter's back angrily as he made his way towards the shielded nook Lily had disappeared to, still ruffling his already messy hair. Severus saw a glimpse of Lily, who was sitting on a divan in the nook with her eyes still closed, before Potter pulled the curtain closed behind him.

He started cutting up his steak in a rather violent manner, barely hearing Slughorn and Sprout giggling at something under their breath. The Hufflepuff boy left the table, joining his friends at the other end of the table. So Severus was left alone, his thoughts fixated on whatever it was that was happening behind the sickly pink curtain.


	3. Potter's plan

""

 _I like large parties. They're so intimate. At small parties there isn't any privacy._

F. Scott Fitzgerald

""

The lights were dimmed, making the room even shadowier, even more claustrophobic. The mood shifted too, the formality of the dinner gave way to a languid, buzzing atmosphere as guests continued to sip on their drinks. An orchestra started setting up their instruments on a small stage, and soon a peaceful melody drowned the buzz of conversation. The dessert, a delicious creation of glaceed pear, truffles and chocolate, appeared on the golden plates and was soon eaten; but still the curtain remained closed.

Severus hardly tasted his own dessert as he kept his eyes on the curtain, wondering what exactly was taking place behind it. He had expected Potter to re-appear nearly immediately after disappearing from view, but it had been at the very least fifteen minutes now, and the curtain remained stubbornly closed. He saw another giggling couple disappear into the dark nook behind one of the curtains near where Lily and Potter were; just before, they had been licking chocolate off each others lips in a nauseatingly public display of affection. He tried very hard not to think of Potter and Lily engaging in any similar activities, but the idea of a potentially drunken and compliant Lily together in a dark room with Potter's disgusting, all-too-eager wandering hands was hard to push out of mind.

So when the dessert was finished and people started getting up from the table, wandering about the room and getting more drinks, Severus swiftly got up too. Slughorn and Sprout didn't mind him any attention – Slughorn had slipped his hand back on Sprout's knee, and was whispering something in her ear, his face red from the effects of the brandy. Sprout was giggling in a surprisingly girly manner at whatever it was he was saying. Severus passed by the bar, grabbing a new glass of Firewhiskey on his way, and chugged half the glass in one go, the taste burning his mouth. As he reached the curtain, behind which Lily and Potter were doing who-knew-what unspeakable things – at least in his bleak imagination – he pushed his ear close to the velvet fabric and tried to strain his ears, his hand instinctively reaching into his pocket, where his wand was waiting...

"- could go and get you another drink, if you'd like? Maybe that'd help you relax?" He heard Potter's muffled, lower-than-usual voice. Lily said something, which Severus couldn't make out. Professor MacGonagall passed Severus just then, and he straightened his back, trying his best to look like he wasn't eavesdropping quite as shamefully as he was.

"Or I could massage your shoulders?" Potter's voice said through the curtain. Severus's fingers curled tightly around the pocketed wand, and he ground his teeth together in loathing. He felt fiery lightheadedness as the alcohol rushed to his veins, powerfully mixing with adrenaline.

"I said I'm fine, Potter", Lily's voice said loudly, her rejection the sweetest music to Severus's ears. "I just want to be alone... no, _really_ , I mean it."

"I'll just get you a drink, Lily – I can call you Lily, right? I mean we've known each other for nearly seven years now – just one drink, ok? It should make you feel loads better."

"Oh, Christ, just... whatever. Okay. Just bring me the damn drink, then."

Severus barely had enough time to straighten his back as Potter abruptly pulled the curtain open and appeared before him. Lily was sitting in the dark nook the way she had before, still keeping her eyes closed and leaning against the backrest of the divan. Potter had a weird, gleeful look on his face. His cheeks were pink and his eyes shone as if he had just gotten off his broomstick. He stopped, standing just half a feet from Severus. To his surprise and irritation, Potter smiled triumphantly, dirtily.

"Come to spy on us, Snivellus? You must like _watching,_ if you know what I mean..." He whispered maliciously as he closed the curtain behind himself and leaned towards Severus intimidatingly. "Well, maybe soon you'll _have_ something to watch..."

He bumped his shoulder sharply against Severus's as he passed him. Severus followed Potter with his narrowed eyes, expecting him to go to the bar; but instead he went to the table and grabbed the drinks from where they had sat earlier. He gave Severus another dirty look as he passed him and reached for the curtain. Severus was staring at the goblets he was balancing in the other hand. The Elf-made wine was swirling inside the goblet, innocently red and deep... her lipstick stain on the rim...

Potter disappeared to the shadowy nook behind the curtain, leaving Severus to stand there, his hands in tight fists and his heart suddenly beating hard in his chest.

"There you go, Lily, that should make you feel loads better. I'll be back soon, to check how you're doing, all right?" Potter's voice said. Lily mumbled her thanks; then Potter reappeared and pulled the curtain closed behind him, just as Severus saw a glimpse of Lily raising the goblet to her lips...

"What have you put in her drink?" Severus hissed at Potter, grabbing him by the collar the moment the curtain closed. Potter seemed to be caught off guard and swayed on his heels, his eyes big and surprised. But it didn't take him long to restore his balance, and he tried to shake Severus off, his face turning pale.

"The fuck? I've done nothing!" Potter said under his breath, and Severus noticed he was trying to keep his voice low and quiet, trying not to attract attention. He might as well have confessed his guilt, the lying rat.

"Don't lie to me!" Severus hissed and tightened his hold on Potter's collar. They quietly wrestled a while; Potter tried to shake Severus off, putting his hands on top of his and trying to pry them off. A couple of years ago Severus wouldn't have had a chance against Potter in a physical fight. But they were the same height now, Severus maybe even an inch taller, and he didn't let go of Potter's collar, and as Potter's hazel eyes widened and stared at him from just inches away, Severus bore his eyes into his... and Potter stared into his eyes, as though hypnotised, for just enough time...

 _Legilimens._

A brief image of the Potions classroom flashed in his mind - Slughorn, with his back on the classroom - a wand, pointing at a tabletop which immediately went into flames – Black, grinning and winking - Slughorn's desk, and a neat row of flasks on it...

"Get off me, you freak!" Potter said angrily and averted his eyes, still struggling to get away. But Severus had seen what he had wanted to see, and he violently shook Potter, his fingers whitening as he held on to the front of his robes.

"Did you spike her drink with Amortencia, you sick, twisted swine?" He hissed, the last memory he had stolen from Potter's mind still burning on his retinae. The putrid toerag, this just proved it, he was nothing but a twisted creep, willing to slave Lily in order to get his way with her...The idea that Lily was behind that curtain, slavishly and against her will burning with desire for _Potter_ made his blood boil, and he was overcome by the urge to strangle Potter with his bare hands.

"No! I didn't put anything into her drink – and even if I did, I wouldn't use _Amortencia_... that's for losers who can't get laid -"

"What did you use, then?" And Severus shook Potter even harder. But even before the question had left his lips, he realised what Potter had used, what he had _of course_ used, the only other thing he _could_ have used, the only other potion on Slughorn's desk, perfected, inimitable, complete... aphrodistiac... neatly labelled with Severus's own name and crafted by his own precise hand...

"Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium. That's what you used." He answered his own question in a dull voice and let go of Potter's robes, pushing him away from him. "You think Lily secretly fancies you so much that if she drank it, you'd have a chance with her... you'd use her when she's not herself, when she's vulnerable-"

"I didn't put anything in her drink", Potter said again, straightening himself and throwing him a tremendously dirty look. But he didn't sound at all convincing now that Severus had managed to hit close to home. "And besides, she wouldn't be vulnerable, would she? She'd have to fancy me for it to affect her to begin with... She'd be _begging_ for it -"

Severus's wand was out in a flash and pointing at Potter's heart. Potter's eyes widened even further and he stilled, raising his hands slowly as if in surrender. They stood like that for a long, silent while, eyeing each other with mutual hatred. Around them, buzzed and giggling students were crowding the dance floor; nobody noticed what was going on in the shadows.

"The things I could do to you right now, if I wanted to..." Severus breathed softly, pressing the tip of his wand against Potter's chest with a steady hand.

Potter was staring at him with wide and unblinking eyes. Severus thought he could almost feel the frightened heart beating inside his ribs, through the shirt and through the length of his wand. Potter wasn't half as brave and self-assured now that he found himself friendless and without a wand, completely at the mercy of Severus. He thought of red hot blood squirting out of Potter, his neck, his chest... his eyes wide in surprise and horror, and then wonderfully empty... how easy it would be...

Potter's jaw tightened, his brown eyes glancing furtively at Severus's, measuring him up, his face a mask of intense hatred. But he said nothing. Even he knew that Severus's threats were no bluff; these days everyone knew what Severus could do. There had been no reason to hide, not in a long time, not now that Lily no longer spoke to him. They stood like that for a long while, neither of them saying a word.

"I want you to go to Professor Slughorn", Severus finally said. "I want you to thank him for the evening. And then I want you to leave. Understand?"

Potter stared at him for another second, as though he wanted to object. But then he nodded slowly.

Severus lowered his wand, but kept it ready, eyeing Potter to make sure he didn't try and hex him. Potter turned slowly, his back stiff – he kept glancing behind his shoulder, making sure Severus wouldn't attack him from behind. But Severus kept his wand lowered, and followed Potter's retreating back with suspicious eyes. He watched as Potter went to Slughorn, leaned towards him and said something into his ear. Slughorn's eyes briefly flitted towards Severus as he listened.

Anger flamed up inside Severus again – he realised that Potter was ratting about him to Slughorn, probably exeggerating what had happened, saying he had tried to attack him! Grinding his teeth, he pushed his wand into the pocket of his robes and expected Slughorn to gesture at him to come over. But to his immense surprise, Slughorn turned to look at Potter with a clearly annoyed look on his face. He said something to Potter – Potter's face turned disbelieving at whatever it was – then made a shooing motion with his hand, clearly telling Potter to get out of his sight.

Potter straightened his back, stared at Slughorn for a moment with a sour look on his face – then he turned on his heels and, giving Severus one last hating look, left the attic. Severus smiled at his retreating back, enjoying every moment.

But after Potter disappeared, his smile died on his lips, as he realised that Lily was still behind the curtain, most likely drugged up to her eyeballs with an Aphrodisiac he himself had created. And although he knew he had created a flawless brew, he had no prior experience on exactly just how the potion worked in practice. He spent a few hopeful moments contemplating the possibility that perhaps the potion didn't work at all, that perhaps she just didn't have any hidden desires – hadn't she rejected Potter? - but then had to admit that something certainly had happened before she'd left the table... and then remembered that it took the potion almost an hour to kick into full effect. Glancing at his watch, he realised that it meant right about now.

He chewed over the night in his mind, over and over again. Hadn't she almost been polite with Potter tonight? Had Severus misunderstood her behaviour towards the other man, seen it through a hopeful filter – wasn't it in fact quite clear, that she had been affected by the potion when Potter had sat next to her?

He was happier than ever that he had at least managed to get rid of the meddling swine. The trouble was, the potion's effects lasted for twenty four hours. Was there a way to get her to stay away from Potter for that long? Wild ideas of Stunning, Obliviating or Confounding Lily and then smuggling her to the Slytherin common room and let her sleep it off in his bed flashed through his mind. But they had classes tomorrow afternoon... and her chilled feelings towards him would most likely not improve if she woke up from his bed tomorrow morning with no recollection on how she'd gotten there. However he looked at it, he had to admit to himself that it'd be next to impossible to keep her away from Potter.

Cursing to himself, he realised that the only logical thing he could do in the situation was just go to her, to check the state she was in, and then rationally discuss with her why it'd be a bad idea for her to go after Potter. If she was in a state where she could be discussing anything rationally, that is. He shuddered at the thought that their first conversation in years would regard her present deep physical attraction to Potter.

Then another chilling idea hit him: perhaps she had been able to reject Potter, because she was secretly attracted to someone else? Some other male? Just last year she had dated a boy called Grover Vass for three months, a boy Severus had come to hate nearly as much as Potter himself, if simply for no other reason than for the fact that Severus had been forced to watch him grope at and drool over the woman of his dreams over his breakfast cereal. During those three months, Vass had ended up in many a puzzling magical accident, and Severus had suspected that in addition to his own discreet hexes and jinxes, also Potter and Black had turned against the fellow Gryffindor, punishing him mercilessly for his coveted luck. Perhaps because of Vass's dubious misfortunes, the fling had ended up quite early on, and Severus had been able to temporarily relax when he no longer had to spend his nights awake, obsessively imagining Lily and Vass writhing in shared pleasure somewhere in the castle's depths at any given moment. But now he started to consider the possibility that perhaps Lily had developed feelings for the boy after all, that perhaps it had been he who had ended the relationship instead of her, that perhaps there was some lingering attraction from her side...

He realised that he could stand here and mull things over for the rest of the evening, but the only logical option was just to go inside the nook and discuss with her. If she even agreed to speak with him, that is... perhaps she'd just hex him, or berate him for having the gall to even speak to her, tell him to go away, like she had told Potter before... and even in the best case scenario where she agreed to speak with him, he'd probably get to hear a tortuous confession of her love and desire for some other male... he just hoped it wasn't going to be Potter. There was only so much a man can take.

If it weren't for the Firewhiskey coursing through his veins, he'd have had a hard time gathering his courage to do what he had to do. His heart beat wildly in his chest and he felt slightly nauseous as he reached for the curtain with a shaking hand. He pulled it open swiftly, stepped in and pulled the curtain closed behind him.

Lily lifted her head and their eyes met.

oOoOoOo

Hope you have enjoyed the story so far! Please review and let me know what you think :) There should be at least 2 chapters coming up.


	4. An unexpected twist

Note: I have named Severus's school friends and wannabe-be-Death-Eaters Avery and Mulciber as Horton and Morland, respectively. Also the Disillusionment spell as used in this chapter has been named by me, since its true incantation is unknown.

""

 _I was thinking lots of things, but most of them needed to stay thoughts, not words._

Maggie Stiefvater

""

The racket from the other side of the curtain was muffled by the heavy velvet, and the air seemed to stand still and heavy in the little nook where Severus was standing. The only light inside came from a lantern on the side table in the middle of the room, where a large candle was flickering, throwing dancing shadows over the girl who was sitting on the divan. The two goblets were sitting next to the lantern; the one which had lipstick stains on the rim was now empty, he noticed.

Lily was staring at him with an unreadable expression. She was half sitting, half lying against the back rest of the red divan, and she was breathing quite heavily. A crimson blush grazed her chest and cheeks, and her eyes too were gleaming brighter than usual, much like Potter's had before. Severus thought she looked luscious, irresistible, like something a little wild was struggling behind her gaze. Her eyes were blazing something dark and deep, rivalling the flame of the lantern; or perhaps it was just the flickering light which fooled him...

"Are you all right?" He found his lips moving; they were dry and he nervously licked them. Lily's gaze briefly lingered on his lips; then, she turned her face away and bit her own, tightly crossing both her arms and legs in an apparent silent rejection of his presence.

"I- I'm fine. Peachy", she said in a higher than usual tone of voice. "I just want to be alone... I think."

"You think?" He asked, a little puzzled by the hesitation in her voice. Making up his mind in an instant, he decided that he wouldn't leave until she explicitly told him to; he was so close to her now, alone with her, and it had been so long since the last time they had been alone together... The circumstances around this rare moment of aloneness with her certainly wasn't ideal, but he didn't intend to waste a second. She had spoken to him just now, hadn't she? Perhaps she was struggling against the potion's defence-lowering effects, and was looking for an excuse, a reason to not leave the party and go after her heart's hidden desires? Bravely, he took a step towards her, at the same time fearing that at any moment now, she would tell him to go, to get out...

Her eyes turned back towards him. She hugged herself even tighter, and seemed very uncomfortable in his presence. He wondered what she was feeling, what she was thinking of. It was quite clear from her bizarre behaviour that she was under the influence of the potion, he thought, as he eyed the flush spreading across her features, which seemed to only be deepening by the moment. He also noticed that there was a sheen on her forehead; the delicate hair around her crown had started to curl up against her damp skin. She looked almost feverish, and he was suddenly glad he had used juniper oil to counter the possible side effect of fever; she certainly looked excited enough as it was.

"I need to tell you something", he said apologically, deciding that a straightforward approach was most likely the best. "Potter put something in your drink. Um... something that might make you feel a little... funny."

Lily was staring at him, her lips a little parted.

"Um... I'm afraid Potter stole the Abscondita Adpetevi Absinthium I prepared today. He seemed to think you'd be more... uh, _receptive_ under its influence," he continued, his voice a little less neutral and than he had hoped.

"I am", Lily agreed, and looked as though she hadn't meant to confess to it; she quickly closed her mouth.

"I... I see", Severus said, his heart sinking. "I was thinking that... perhaps you should stay away from Potter until it wears off... i- if you want, that is. That's what I... what I came to tell you."

He looked at his shoes, hating the potion he had brewed with intensity. Stupid Slughorn, stupid Valentine's Day... stupid him, him with his innate need to perfect everything... for the first time in his life, he found himself wishing he wasn't as good at Potions as he was.

"Potter?" Lily repeated tentatively, savouring the name as though it was completely alien to her. She was still staring at him, leaning towards him a little as though intensely wishing to hear him tell her more about Potter.

"Yes, _Potter_. He spiked your drink", Severus repeated, gesturing towards the empty goblet on the table, and wondered if Lily was so far gone she didn't even understand what he was saying, that perhaps only Potter's name alone had penetrated her feverish state of mind. Why hadn't he bothered finding out about how the potion worked in practice, before brewing it? _Great job, Snivellus,_ he berated himself bitterly.

"Come here", Lily suddenly breathed. "Please."

Severus stared at her, his eyebrows raised. She had uncrossed her arms and legs now, and was staring at him intensely, her chest raising and falling quicker than usual. As he stared, she patted at the space next to her on the divan.

Perplexed and hesitant, he walked over to her and sat on the edge of the divan, as far away from her as he possibly could in the cramped space, feeling tremendously uncomfortable as every cell of her wonderful body seemed to sing to him some silent, scandalous invitation.

"Do you hate me, Severus?" She asked him. His eyebrows shot up as he turned to look at her with immense surprise.

"No, I- of course I don't-", he stammered. Lily was so close to him, and he had to turn his head away from her, he just couldn't look at her, she was just too... too _there_. So close, and yet so far out of his reach. Just as he had finished his thought, Lily suddenly grabbed his arm and he jerked in surprise. Her touch seemed to burn through the fabric of his sleeve; his heart started beating faster in his chest and his blood turned to fire in his veins.

"Then why won't you even look at me? Why don't you ever talk to me?" She asked, and sounded oddly vulnerable and pleading. "You never do, and it's driving me mad."

What in the name of Merlin's greasy socks was going on?

"You... Lily, you explicitly said you didn't want to be friends anymore", he said heavily, the bitter echo of that last conversation from years ago ringing in his ears. _You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine._

"I was just mad", she said sadly. "I thought you wouldn't give up on me so easily, wouldn't choose Avery or.. or _Mulciber_ over me... but you did, and just like that – it seemed to be so easy for you... pretending like we were nothing to each other, like I meant nothing to you..."

Severus turned to look at her, shocked beyond reason. Her eyes were gleaming in the orange light of the lone candle, and she looked earnest, but he just couldn't believe what he was hearing. Had he lost his mind? Had it been his drink which had been spiked tonight?

"Lily... I..." But he couldn't think of what to say to her, his thoughts a scrambled mess in his head. It was all too absurd, that she should think _he_ had rejected _her._ He, who wanted nothing more as much as to push her down on the divan and show her exactly how deeply his body craved hers...He tried to harrow his brain for memories of that bleak time in his life which he had so desperately tried to forget: the pain of rejection and separation which had seemed to permeate every moment of his life, even his dreams, where he had ran after her, wept in her feet like a child, asking for her forgiveness; but where she always slipped away, leaving him again and again and again... He had buried himself in homework and dark magic, and barely left his house all summer long, afraid of meeting her accidentally, to be rejected again. He couldn't have beared it, no, it was much better to avoid her than to approach her and be rejected. Much safer to secretly look at her than to search her company. And come autumn, he had taken to cowering away from her when they were in the same classroom, afraid to see that look of loathing on her face, which he had seen, clear as day, before she had climbed into Gryffindor common room that one time when she had chosen to shut him forever out of her life. The idea that she had wanted him to come to her after that was alien; he had thought it so clear that she wanted nothing to do with him, that it had never even crossed his mind.

"Was it because I'm a... _Mudblood?_ " She asked him quietly, her voice distorting slightly as she said it. His heart ached in his chest, that dreadful word which had destroyed his life worse than Potter and his gang ever could have, like a cold slap in his face.

"No! I told you I didn't think of you like that, I never did... I was just... embarrassed and... and upset that you had to come and save me", he admitted with a heavy heart. It was true. She had always been so strong, so whole and intact, and he had felt like a broken little thing next to her, and he just couldn't stand it, not when he so desperately wanted her... he had wanted to be the one who could save her, not be saved _by_ her. And he wanted to tell that to her, but found himself swallowing the words – if she would leave him again, if this was the last conversation they'd ever have, wouldn't it be better to at least hide some part of his heart from her? Would't it be better to hold on to whatever dignity he still had left, before in a few months the school would be over, and their paths would forever be severed?

But Lily clearly had thrown her own caution to the wind, because she leaned even closer to him, holding on to his arm very tightly.

"Please, Severus, be honest with me", she begged passionately. "I can't stand it, I just can't. Please, tell me, what do you want with me?"

What he wanted with her... was she mad? Trying his best to hide behind his curtain of hair, he felt flush creep up his cheeks and butterflies flutter inside him as he thought of all the different ways he wanted her. He could never tell her – how could he? She would be disgusted with him, certainly, he had no doubts about that. But oh, how he wanted - he wanted her soul, her body... or just to sit with her, like this, forever, to feel the sweet weight of her hand on his arm...

"I would like for us to be friends again", he finally forced out, looking at the sliver of the stone floor which he could see from between his hair. "And I... if you don't like Horton or Morland... I suppose I don't have to spend that much time with them. Although I would prefer not to avoid them completely..."

A heavy silence ensued. He was still staring at the shadows dancing across the stone floor, wondering what she was thinking, but not daring to look at her. His confession made him feel uncomfortably bared down and vulnerable; although he had just confessed he coveted her friendship, he rather felt he might've just as well confessed his love to her. He didn't like wearing his heart on his sleeve, and hated revealing his feelings, if he could help it.

As they sat there silently, the orchestra started playing something slow and melancholic behind the curtain. And then, suddenly, his heart jumped into his throat, for Lily had grabbed him by his shoulders, and sure enough, climbed into his lap! Thinking he had certainly gone mad from desire and created some sort of a hallucination in his repressed mind, he gasped and went rigid as a board under her weight.

"I can't... I just... my God, I want you-", she whispered hastily, like she had waited ages to say it, her voice heavy and deep as she faced him, her breasts and mouth and eyes just inches from him, her palms encircling his face in a tender grasp-

He was staring at her, his mouth open and eyes big. Her eyes were tender and so close, the colour of yellow amber in the flickering light. Her lips were close too, and he felt her hot breath on his face, and her body was hot too, so hot and deliciously heavy in his lap... he felt his desire stirring, his body awakening beneath hers, and he gasped again, trying to push her away now, horrified that she should feel the physical manifestation of his helplessness against her charms.

"Lily- what are you-?"

"Shh", she said, her eyes hooded as she gazed into his eyes. "If you want me to go, just tell me, and I will find the strength to do so. But if you don't... just please, please let me stay, please let me touch you..."

Severus stopped struggling against her, but remained rigid and frightened. Was this some sort of a trick? Would she soon push him away, laugh at him, scorn his disgusting weakness? His heart would break, didn't she know she held it on the palm of her hand, and could at any time, crush it at her leisure? To be this close to her, to feel the heat of her body on his, the way he had dreamed so many times, to see her eyes look at him so gently... if this moment was ruined, surely his heart would shred to pieces and never be whole again.

Perhaps encouraged by his silence and lack of struggle, Lily sighed as though a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. A million questions jumbled in Severus's mind, but they all faded into nothingness, when suddenly he found her lips gently touching his. His blood was roaring as she slid her hands from his face into his hair, and she moved her lips against his in a tentative manner. They were soft and full, but he was so shocked he couldn't even answer the kiss – this couldn't be happening, this had to be a hallucination – certainly Potter had put something in his drink...

It wasn't until she ground herself against his lap when he seemed to awaken from his shock. Clumsily, hungrily, he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her harder against him, his lips demanding on hers, his body seeking more. If this was a dream, then, by Merlin, he would take it gladly.

"Oh", Lily gasped against his lips and ground herself against him more confidently now. Instinctively, he moved against her, and it was just too much... he felt he could come undone that very instant, and had to struggle not to.

"I want you so much", Lily was moaning into his mouth, and he savoured each word from her lips, the answer to every question he had ever had. "I've always wanted you..."

His laughed into her mouth. It was just too surreal, everything of it, it just couldn't be true. Smiling back, she separated her lips from his. "What's so funny?"

"I think that perhaps Potter has killed me just now and I somehow ended up in paradise", Severus said, feeling tears of mirth raise up in his eyes as he struggled not to burst laughing. He couldn't help the hysteric grin which was spreading on his face. "This is just so... weird. And great. And so very impossible, too."

"Why do you think so?" She asked, fixing her position in his lap; he had to think very hard what it was he had been saying just now, because as she moved, all thoughts seemed to evaporate from his mind. It felt like all else had disappeared, it was just her in his lap, her deep, floral scent encircling him, just her and him, eternally...

"I... because you can't possibly want me", he confessed. She pulled back a little, looking at him as though she was actually surprised.

"How so?"

"Because... well... because I'm what I am, and you are what you are", Severus replied weakly, and gestured vaguely towards her. She looked at him as though she had no clue what he was talking about.

"And that's precisely why I like you, Sev", Lily finally said. "Because I am what I am, and you are what you are."

"But... but I'm nothing", he mumbled, his voice breaking a little as he averted his gaze from the heat of her eyes. Despite the situation, he suddenly felt miserable, as though by voicing his qualms out loud, they had become more real. And as he thought about it some more, he suddenly felt sick when he remembered that she was drugged, under the influence of something which magnified her feelings and lowered her defences... even if she wanted to be his friend again, the current position they were in was probably nothing more than the direct consequence of arugula mixed into a brew, designed to heighten her desires, confusing her mind.

Suddenly ashamed of himself, remembering how he had accused Potter of trying to take advantage of her when she was vulnerable, he forced himself to gently push Lily out of his lap and onto the divan next to him. He felt cold when her warmth was removed; but it was nothing to the feeling of self-loathing he was now feeling in its stead. The band had stopped playing now, and it had gotten uncomfortably quiet.

"I don't understand how you can even say that", Lily said, staring at him. "You're all kinds of great. I've always thought so... you just – you just hang out in the wrong crowd-"

"Lily, just stop, please", Severus said. "You're not yourself... it's the potion you've drank, it's making you confused... I don't want to use you-"

Lily sneered. "Use me? You think you're using _me_? Me, who just willingly climbed into your lap and tried to snog _you_ senseless? Can't you tell how much I want you?"

He was about to answer, to explain to her just how the Potion was affecting her physique, when the velvet curtain separating them from the rest of the crowd was abruptly pulled open. They both turned, blinking in surprise, Severus having all but forgotten that there even were other people somewhere, and suddenly very relieved that Lily was no longer writhing in his lap, because that was exactly the sort of material for gossip which would spread across the Houses faster than one could utter "muffliato".

"Oh, sorry!" the boy who had opened the curtain said. The girl he was embracing drunkenly giggled against his shoulder as he quickly pulled back the curtain and left to search for an empty nook for him and his girlfriend.

Severus sighed. It felt like he had just been shaken awake from an impossibly wonderful dream, one where the world had suddenly been full of possibilities... but now reality came crashing down, and he realised that no matter how deeply he desired the woman beside himself, he could never live with himself if he took advantage of her when he wasn't absolutely certain she was in her right mind. After all, that had been the only reason which had held his hand from slipping some Amortencia into her morning pumpkin juice himself, even though the idea had sometimes popped up in his darkest, most private fantasies, when he was lying on his bed and imagining her atop of himself much like she had been just a moment ago.

"Listen, Sev. I want to talk with you, properly. But I think the party is about to end soon, so I think we should go. Can we meet later, somewhere in the castle? I swear I will keep my hands off of you- ", she added hastily when he turned to look at her incredulously. "- I just really want to clear things up between the two of us. And if you then want to continue to be friends with me after that... or not... well, that's your decision."

Contemplating this for a moment, he finally nodded in agreement.

"All right", he said. "15 minutes, the usual place? I think I should leave first, and you should come a few minutes later... I wouldn't like to spread too much gossip."

Lily's face fell a little, but she quickly covered it and nodded. "All right. 15 minutes, the usual place", she confirmed. He nodded, then got up. She remained seated, and suddenly he felt a little awkward, the memory of their recent activities making him blush; it was hard to believe such a thing could even have taken place. He still wasn't half certain he hadn't hallucinated the entire scene. Hiding his face, he quickly left the nook, leaving Lily to wait until it was safer to come out.

The band was packing up their instuments, and most guests had already left, only a few scattered groups still enjoying the last drinks of the evening. Severus searched for Slughorn with his eyes, and spotted him sitting on one of the armchairs. The fish bowl was sitting next to him on a side table, surrounded by several empty glasses and goblets. Professor Sprout appeared to be sleeping on the armchair next to him, her mouth slightly open as she breathed heavily, so Severus walked over to the Professor.

"Ah, Severus", Slughorn mumbled, appearing as though he had a hard time focusing his eyes.

"I'm leaving for the night. I just wanted to thank you for the invitation", Severus said politely.

"Not at all, not at all", Slughorn said and made a shooing motion with his hand. "Is Lily all right?"

"She's fine", Severus said.

"Good, good... I thought that perhaps she had digested something...uh... inappropriate", Slughorn muttered quite unclearly. "That potion of yours went missing today..."

"Right, sir", Severus said. "Well, good night."

"Good night, dear boy... till tomorrow," Slughorn said and yawned. Severus didn't correct him, although he would have no classes with the Professor the following day. And looking at the state the Professor seemed to be in, Severus highly doubted he would make it to any of his classes anyway. So he just nodded to the Professor and left the attic room, making way to the place where he was due to meet Lily in a few minutes.

"The usual place" meant a hidden sixth floor room where he and Lily had often met in secret. The place was a forgotten room, hidden by a distinctive tapestry depicting dancing and embracing nymphs and fauns. It wasn't really a secret room as such; there was no magic or complicated hiding mechanisms. Lily had found it accidentally on their second year, when she had leaned against the tapestry and the partly open door had given way, making her fall inside. To Severus, it had become a place which served as an existing monument to their former friendship, only rivalled by their secret riverbank hideout back in Cokeworth. Since they couldn't meet up in their respective common rooms (save a few secret sneak-ins, usually on Lily's part, because Severus had always dreaded the idea of running into the Marauders in the Gryffindor common room where they had home turf advantage), and library had its limits when it came to noise levels, they had spent countless of hours in this hidden place and made it into their private unofficial common room.

Descending the stairs, he let himself contemplate what the events of the evening meant. Even if Lily would regret what had transpired between them that night, and would never speak to him again, still... Lily Evans had _kissed_ him. He could live off on that memory for the rest of his life, he thought, and that alone had made everything worth it. The happiness which had earlier evaded him came back, as he remembered how her lips had felt against his, how her flushed and hot chest had pressed against him... Maybe, if he managed to convince her to talk with him after the Potion had worn off, maybe they could be friends again, despite all that had transpired between them tonight... and just maybe it wasn't too late, maybe she could learn to feel also... _those_ kinds of feelings for him? He smiled in the darkness, suddenly feeling more hopeful than he had felt in years, perhaps ever.

BANG.

Something had hit hard him from behind, hurling him down the stairs. He hurt his hand as he fell, and tried to make out what had happened, but soon realised he was unable to move – he had been hit with a body binding spell, and was now lying at the bottom of the stairs, defenseless.

"Get him, James", a voice hissed in the darkness. The face of Sirius Black appeared before him, as he kneeled next to Severus, his handsome face distorted into a cruel, ruthless smile; a smile Severus knew very well, and which always foreshadowed either great pain or humiliation, often both. Another face appeared: James Potter had come to stand above his frozen form. He was smiling too, a foul, triumphant smile, and he was rotating his wand lazily in his hand as though contemplating how to best use it on his vanquished enemy.

"You know, Snivelly, I've been really quite lenient to you this year", he said in a light tone and kept on playing with his wand. "Much more so than I would have preferred. But I have a feeling that's going to change tonight. I do hate it when greasy gits such as yourself meddle into my business, you see..."

Black drew out his wand, too. Severus felt a rush of fear combined with anger, as the man pointed the wand at him.

" _Abeo"_ , Black whispered. He had Disillusioned Severus into invisibility, and as he did so, Severus suddenly knew what was waiting for him..

When Potter first kicked him, he could almost feel his ribs crack from the trauma. He kicked once, twice, a third time... then his boot met Severus's face, and he could feel invisible blood squirting from his nose as it broke from the impact. And as he did so, Black just sat next to him, smiling that horrible, cruel smile, observing Severus almost serenely, perhaps seeing his outline against the ground and enjoying every moment. He looked at Severus as though he were a dog who had just been thrown a particularly meaty bone, and Severus could only guess that he wished he could see him better.

"Oops, I guess I couldn't see you there", Potter said cruelly, clearly savouring the moment as he delivered the final kick. "I recommend that you mind your own business in the future. If you know what's good for you."

"We better go, mate", Black said and got up. The echoing sounds of distant footsteps were approaching them from upstairs, and Potter hastily pushed his wand into his robes, and the pair ran down the stairs as silently as they could, leaving Severus on the floor, frozen and feeling as though he might choke in the invisible blood pouring into his mouth.

He hated Potter and Black, hated them more than he could've ever thought he could hate anyone, more than he hated his father even. Blood coursed red hot in his veins as he thought how death would be too forgiving of a fate for them two. If he had his wand, he would go after them, and cause them such pain they would never recover, he would Crucio them until they were insane and begged for the sweet relief Death would grant them...

As he mulled over these dark and poisonous thoughts, he saw Lily appearing down the stairs, looking behind her shoulder as she walked right past Severus, on her way to the place where they were supposed to meet. She had a faint smile on her face.

And right then the true tragedy of the situation hit Severus, and his heart sank: he was unable to move, unable to make his presence known to her... she would go to their meeting place, and wait for him there, perhaps for hours... and when he wouldn't show up, she would think he had stood her up by his own desire. That he had rejected her, or had cowardly chosen to abandon her after a few moments of bliss.

She would never forgive him.

""

Note 2: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, although I must confess I found it somewhat difficult to write (it took me about twice as long as the other chapters) as I felt that they sort of had to address their fall-out, but I didn't want to turn it into a complete angst-fest,

and also because the chapter mostly revolved around dialogue instead of action.

I'm still not certain if I'm 100% satisfied with this chapter, but alas, it served the purpose I wanted to, so I suppose I should be happy with it, and I kind of do like the ending of the chapter. But enough about me – what do you think? Reviews are much appreciated.


	5. The loyality of a Slytherin

""

 _...One of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain._

 _-_ James Baldwin

""

How long had he laid there? It must have been hours. His body was numbing, the unmoving limbs falling asleep unpleasantly.

Severus had watched the rest of the party guests leave the attic one by one or in pairs; Slughorn and Sprout had left last, staggering towards the lower floors and giggling. Severus had tried in vain to struggle against the body binding spell, partly hoping to be noticed but also loathing idea of having to see the inevitable pity and shock on the faces of whoever might find him. But nobody did, and his faint, camouflaged outline remained invisible and unmoving against the dark floor. He felt trapped inside his own body; the pain of the bruises was almost unbearable, and he struggled to breathe inside his unmoving chest as the blood started clotting in his nose.

While outside Severus was unmoving, his insides were alight with hate, his blood rushing hotly in his veins, his heart beating in his chest like a war drum. He tried very hard to calm himself enough to wandlessly unbind himself, but his intense hatred towards Potter and Black, together with the haunting idea of what he might have lost tonight due to them, made it impossible to concentrate. He kept obsessively imagining all the satisfying ways he could act out his revenge on the pair, ways to torture them, to kill… it was a familiar game, his mind grasping at every wrongdoing, every cruelty he had ever endured, hoarding memories from beyond Potter and Black even; of his childhood, of the nasty Muggle school bullies, of his father's foul hangover moods. His hatred bred even more hatred, his bitterness pulsed inside of him every nanosecond he laid there.

 _Finite Incantatem. Finite incantatem. Finite incantatem…_

Severus could only measure time from the way the shadows slowly crept along the stone floors and walls as the moon was moving across the sky, its blue glow casting spots of light through the windows. It was eerily quiet in the castle, as not even the sounds of his own rustling robes or echoing steps penetrated the air like they usually would've, had he been out amongst the shadows by his own will. And slowly, as his body became number, also his mind calmed down, the pounding hatred replaced by quiet despair and the feeling of failure. The memory of warm hands and the warm glow of the candlelight felt unreal now, like a dream that was slipping through his fingers after waking up, the memory of bliss replaced by the starkness of his current existence.

 _Finite Incantatem…_

He wondered how long Lily had waited for him. Was she still there? Or had she immediately left after finding the hidden room empty? He imagined the look on her face as she realised he wasn't coming, imagined how she was feeling, and what she thought of him… her disappointment in him seemed to seep through the castle's walls, invisibly, terminally.

 _Finite Incantatem. Finite Incantatem. Finite Incantatem…_

Severus didn't know how long he laid there, over and over again chanting the counter spell in his mind and bleakly thinking of Lily's disappointed, closed-off face, until suddenly a feeling of intense physical relief washed over him as the body-binding spell vanished and his body relaxed against the cold floor. The relief was immediately followed by a sharp pain piercing his insides as the pressure on his broken ribs changed ever so slightly. He gasped in the darkness.

He laid there for another minute, afraid to move. His wrist was still hurting, as was his nose, along with the several spots where Potter's boot had met with his body, but none of them hurt worse than his ribs.

With effort, he finally dug his wand out from his pocket and pointed it at his wrist, mumbling _"Episkey"._ Then he did the same to his nose. However, as he pointed at his ribs, the pain diminished only slightly, and he realized he'd have to go to the Hospital Wing to get his bones fixed. But he found the pain so intense that it would be next to impossible to get up from the floor.

" _Dolordemorior",_ he whispered, pointing at his side. The pain was immediately gone, leaving behind only uncomfortable numbness and the obscure feeling of something being awfully wrong in the way his bones were arranged. But with the help of the numbing spell, he managed to get up by leaning against the wall. He tried very hard to avoid putting too much weight on his side, but it was difficult, and as he started making his way towards the Hospital Wing, he feared he only added to the injury.

As he arrived to the spider web of inter-crossing corridors on the sixth floor, Severus stopped and leaned against the wall. Hesitating, his eyes lingered in the darkness on the left, where several corridors crossed. Just a few turns away, there was the room where Lily and he had agreed to meet. Could she still be there…? It was dark, and no sound of movement penetrated the air, but he abruptly made up his mind to go and have a look in the room anyway. If there was even the _slightest_ chance she was still there…

His feelings a mixture of fluttering hope and dark forebodings, he gingerly turned to make way towards the meeting place, moving slowly and concentrating hard on his steps. As he pressed his hand on his side, he could feel his ribs moving in an unnatural position, and he quickly removed his hand because the feeling made him slightly nauseous.

The corridor where the tapestry was located was as quiet and empty as any other at that time of the night. Severus hadn't been there in a long time, not once since their friendship had dissolved into a bleak memory of misplaced words and erroneous reactions. There was no point to it; it had always been their room, and he had found it impossible to return when her laugh would no longer ring on its walls. But now, walking past the Ancient Runes classroom, he soundlessly pushed the tapestry aside, hoping against hope to reveal Lily's familiar form sitting on that old, worn-out armchair where she always used to sit on, perhaps leaning her head in her hands, or reading one of the abandoned books...or absent-mindedly amusing herself by some spell or another as she waited him, her eyes brightening as he came…

But as he pushed the tapestry aside, he was greeted by the bleak sight of a dark, empty room. Feeling miserable, he let his eyes wander about the room for any sign of her presence, a note; anything. But he found nothing, just the usual array of wooden boxes, old and discarded furniture, piles of old textbooks and confiscated items which some member of staff had once upon a time placed there, then forgotten. It looked as though she hadn't even been there.

Staring at an old Gryffindor Quidditch rosette, which Lily had once upon a time removed from her hair and left on top of an old divan as she teased the sour Severus about Slytherin's loss, Severus wondered why it hurt so much to see the room empty. After all, it had really been very unlikely she'd still have been there, so it's not like her absence came as a surprise to him. But he had to turn away, blinking rapidly as the unfamiliar and unwelcome feeling of moisture gathering in his eyes threatened to overwhelm his sight. Barely managing to reign in his emotions, he left the room, letting the tapestry fall back to cover the door.

The Hospital Wing was closed at this time of the night, but Severus knocked on the door sharply several times, trying to wipe whatever blood on his face he could to his sleeve. The numbing spell had started to wear off, the promise of burning pain so far only a throb underneath the numbed skin as he leaned against the door frame. It was quiet for a while, then the hasty footsteps of Madam Pomfrey reached his ears as she hurried to the door. Soon the door opened, revealing her clutching the front of her herringbone-patterned nightgown and hastily removing curlers from her hair as she peered out the door with puffy eyes.

"What is it, wh- oh dear! What's happened to you?" She asked, her eyes widening as she looked at Severus. She hastily opened the door to let him in, gesturing at him to sit on the nearest bed. He came in and sat stiffly on the bed, unable to find a position where his side felt even moderately comfortable.

"I have fixed the nose", he said, averting his eyes as madam Pomfrey looked at him with a mixture of something like pity and tenderness. "But I think there's something wrong with my ribs. I numbed them, but couldn't fix them."

"Let me see", the matron said briskly. "Off with your robes."

Reluctantly, Severus started undressing. It was rather difficult, as pain shot down his side every time he raised his left hand, and he felt quite awkward under her scrutinising gaze. He could hear from the matron's shocked gasps that the state of his torso was not good.

"What on earth happened to you?" She asked, lifting his arm gently out of the way so that she could see better and grazed her fingers along Severus's side, feeling the bones underneath.

"I fell down a flight of stairs", Severus said impassively, the old familiar lie rolling off his tongue easily. So many bruises, so many lies.

"Must have been quite a fall! And impact on both sides, too..." madam Pomfrey said. Her voice was a little doubtful as she gazed at his torso.

"The Owlery stairs", Severus said. "I was sneaking in there to send a letter. There was ice ."

Madam Pomfrey made a tutting sound and shook her head disapprovingly. The last remaining curler fell into the hood of her nightgown. "They do have rules in place for a reason, you know! You ought to count your lucky stars you didn't break your neck when you came tumbling down! Now, you'll need a dose of SkeleGro because two of your ribs are broken - and something for the bruising too. And that means you'll be staying here for the rest of the night."

Severus nodded without a word, relieved she had bought his lie. Of course he could have ratted the Potter and Black out to madam Pomfrey, but Severus felt himself above that sort of thing. Besides, the revenge was always sweeter when it taken by means provided by his wand, not detentions. Madam Pomfrey hustled and bustled around her medicine cabinet, and finally dug out a bottle of the medicine. Severus swallowed the offered spoonful of the foul liquid with barely a grimace. Madam Pomfrey also handed him a container full of BruiseBeGone, then told him to wash his face and get some sleep. Then she disappeared back to her own private chambers, which were located beyond the nurse's office.

Severus felt his bones starting to rearrange himself, and it felt as though his ribs were breaking all over again. He waited for a good twenty minutes before he dared to move anywhere from the bed; then he got up and went to the mirror near the medicine cabinet.

It was not a surprise that Pomfrey had been suspicious of his story. The dried blood from his nose covered most of his face and neck, making it look as though he'd dunked his head into a bucket full of red paint. The bruising on his torso was uneven and excessive. Rolling open the lid of the BruiseBeGone, he started rubbing the stuff on the worst bruises, avoiding the blue-purple area with the broken ribs; it still felt as though there were broken pieces of glass under his skin, looking to pierce their way out. Sighing, he washed the blood off his face, then put the cream back into the medicine cabinet and glanced at his watch; it was quarter past three in the morning.

Too tired to change out of his half-removed robes, he crawled back to the bed and fell among the covers, hoping to fall asleep quickly. But sleep evaded him despite his exhaustion, and he lied awake for a long time, only feeling the sharp pain of his bones rearranging themselves. Masochistically, he welcomed the physical pain; it kept the emotional pain away. But as he finally fell asleep, the physical pain fell away and left behind uneasy images of cruel, serene smiles and heart-shaped strawberries swirling in a peach-coloured liquid, and the soft amber glow of Lily's eyes where enlarged pupils gazed at him gently.

""

The sound of wind raging outside the Hospital Wing's windows woke Severus up early the following morning. He still felt exhausted. The door to the nurse's office remained closed, and it was dark outside the high windows, where wet snow was battering the windows and wind was wailing. He sighed as he sat up in the bed, missing the silence of the Slytherin dormitories, where there were no windows, only the green shimmer cast by the lake above.

The brief sleep had seemed to wash away some of his worry and fear, clearing his mind. Also his ribs felt better now. They seemed to have rearranged themselves while he had been asleep, the faint ache left behind only a shadow of the pain from before. In fear of having to endure another awkward body inspection, he quickly and silently got dressed, then sneaked away from the Hospital Wing before madam Pomfrey had the the time to appear out of her chambers. Glancing at his watch, he realised that it was only six thirty, meaning that not even breakfast had yet begun. Since the 7th year students didn't have any morning classes, it was unlikely that Lily would even come downstairs before nine, the breakfast ending at ten. He desperately craved to see her and fix last night's mistake, and intended to do it as soon as she came down for breakfast.

Deciding that perhaps a shower and a change of robes were in order, Severus made way downstairs to the dungeons. The hallways were still empty, only a few ghosts who preferred to haunt the corridors early were up and about. On the fifth floor he passed by the Bloody Baron and the Grey Lady who seemed to be arguing about something, and three floors down a fat monk passed him, rattling his chains and moaning intimidatingly at him. Severus rolled his eyes at the monk and stepped through a shortcut to make it into a staircase which brought him directly to the Slytherin common room door.

"Purge", he said to the wall where a door to the Slytherin Dungeons instantly appeared. Stepping through, he was mildly surprised to see that the common room looked as though a bomb had been set off in its midst; judging from the overturned chairs and tables, some of the students had celebrated Valentine's Day rather raucously. He was relieved to notice that the only person up was a fifth year, who was sitting on a partly torn armchair, holding fingers in his ears and mumbling to himself as he read the notes in his lap; he was clearly revising for his O.W.L.'s, and paid Severus or the surrounding destruction no attention. Severus stepped over a broken armour lying on the floor, and went down the carpet-covered steps and into his dormitory.

All the curtains were drawn around the four-poster beds, his dorm mates still fast asleep. He undressed next to his bed, grabbed clean robes from his trunk and went to the shower room, which was also empty. Checking his bruising from the mirror, Severus was glad to see that most of it was healing quickly, and only the area above his healed ribs where he hadn't put any BruiseBeGone was still an ugly mixture of blue and purple, the rest having faded into an unattractively yellow shade.

The shower felt heavenly, he thought, as he scrubbed at the traces of the dried blood on his neck, which he had been unable to completely remove over the sink of the Hospital Wing. As he washed himself, he thought of everything that had transpired within such a short amount of time. He felt rather hot and bothered as he spent some time reliving the tender moments between him and Lily, and then felt another surge of anger as he thought what had happened after he had left the party. He grimaced against the hot water as he thought of seeing Potter and Black at breakfast, but then decided that he could always deal with them later; the priority was to see Lily, to regain her trust. He was certain that once he explained to her why he had been unable to attend she would understand, but the hard part was getting her to talk with him in the first place. She was really rather feisty and proud... Making up his mind, he decided that this time he'd willingly stalk, beg and pester her until she listened to him, his own pride be damned.

After the shower, he went back to the dormitory, got dressed and sat on the bed. According to his watch, it was only half seven, so he still had plenty of time to kill before going up for breakfast. Snatching his Potions text book from his neatly organised trunk, he browsed its pages until he hit Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium. He jumped over the introduction to the brewing method, over the ingredients list which took up two pages, and turned until he hit the fourth page, describing the practical effects and history of the finished, non-adapted version of potion. Earlier he had only skimmed over this page before concentrating on the tricky ingredients list, not having dreamed in his wildest dreams that its effects would ever be tested in practice. One of Professor Slughorn's shortcomings as a teacher was, in his opinion, that the finished potions were rarely tested in practice, being only evaluated by the applied theory and technique.

Eagerly leaning towards the book, he skipped over some sort of a poem at the top, and read:

 _Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium, also known as the Brew of the Hidden Desires, is a brew often mistaken as belonging to the Love Potions II category due to some of its unique properties (further addressed in paragraph 3), but which, according to the Law of Magical Potions and Brews decree set in 1889 has been classified into the Incitement-causing Potions IV category. The effect of one dose lasts for 24 hours._

 _Like other potions in this category, the potion causes easily recognisable physical symptoms such as dilated pupils, sweating and on average raises the body temperature for half a degree. The most common psychosomatic symptoms include euphoria, heightened senses, unstable emotional swings, impulsiveness, and a remarkably lower threshold for suggestion. Rare side effects include high fever and bouts of aggression._

 _The confusion with Love Potions II category stems from the potion's remarkable ability to lower the threshold for initiation and response to romantic advances. A laboratory testing in 1922, comprising of 120 married subjects, showed that over 99% of the test subjects experienced increased romantic and erotic affection for their partners. In a later, affiliated test using the same test subjects, it was noted that the affection was not directed to previously unknown subjects, making it an ineffective Love Potion, which are classified as being able to induce powerful attraction and obsession to previously unknown or even disliked subjects. This potion has therefore become a staple product in marital counselling, where it is used to help couples overcome problems relating to communication, trust issues and declined physical attraction. What separates the brew from Love Potions II category potions is, that it does not directly impair judgement or create false feelings of attraction. Instead, it strengthens pre-existing bonds and physical needs. However, due to its effect of lowering the threshold for suggestion, along with its ability of inducing impulsiveness, some users have presented valid claims of becoming victims of exploitation under its influence. Controlled environment and care are advised._

Severus stopped reading, and couldn't help a grin spreading on his face. This meant that Lily hadn't been under the influence of some irresistible, obsession-inducing potion! She had kissed him because she had wanted to – she had wanted to kiss him! _Him!_ And had simply been in a state where she'd found herself less likely to resist the impulse! And what was more – the potion's effects lasted for another 14 hours, so if he could just talk to Lily, it was likely that she'd be receptive to his attempts at communication and trust-building!

Suddenly the world seemed a much, much kinder place than it had a few hours ago.

"Was the party that good? Why are you grinning like that?" He heard the flexing voice of Morland from the bed on his left. He turned to look as his dorm mate was pulling the curtains away from around his bed. Severus quickly snapped the book shut and pushed it back to the trunk at the foot of his bed.

"No reason", he answered. "The party was fine. But probably not as good as the one down here, judging from evidence."

"What are you talking about?" Morland was yawning as he waved his wand to summon his robes from his trunk.

"The state of the common room, of course", Severus said, frowning.

Morland raised his eyebrow and gave Severus a scornful look.

"The state of the common room is due to that little Mudblood who came here to look for you last night", he said lazily.

"Th- _what_?"

"That red haired Mudblood you used to hang out with. Came here in the middle of the night, wanted to see you, flat out refused to leave when we told her to get out -"

"She... she came here to see me? _Here?"_

"Well, she was drunk as a skunk of course – why else would she have walked right into the Slytherin common room... now really, no sense of her place, that one... demanded us to bring you to her, tried even to get all the way into the dormitory. We of course told her you weren't interested in Mudbloods like her, and so she proceeded to demolish the place. "

Severus stared at Morland, feeling all blood vanish from his face.

"You – you told her _what?_ "

Morland rolled his eyes impatiently.

"We told her that you aren't interested in touching a filthy little Mudblood like her with your wand, let alone any other appendix, so she should stop making herself ridiculous and go back to whatever Muggles or other human waste is desperate enough to settle with her kind. Certainly _Purebloods_ won't bother with her", he explained very slowly, as though Severus was somehow incapable of understanding him.

Severus closed his eyes, Morland' s haughty voice still ringing in his head like a chanting chorus of devils. _You aren't interested in touching a filthy little Mudblood like her..._

Without giving Morland another glance, he jumped up from the bed and rushed to the door. He heard Morland's surprised questions behind him as he rushed out. It was almost 8 o'clock now, and he simply had to see her, right now – he'd go to the Great Hall, and if she wasn't there, he'd go to the Gryffindor common room door to wait for her, Potter and his friends be damned... he had to see her, right now, immediately... had to explain...

He was so frantic that he accidentally rushed through the wailing, shackle-rattling monk, who stopped his moaning and looked at his retreating form with a scandalous expression, yelling after him something about proper etiquette towards the deceased.

As Severus rushed into the Great Hall, he was panting. The Great Hall was filled with people; a lot of students had been up late last night and had showed up for late breakfast. Potter and Black were sitting close to the door in the Gryffindor table, by a weak-looking Remus Lupin. Potter was sitting facing the doors and was craning his neck (probably, much like he himself, waiting for Lily) and as he rushed in, Potter poked at Black with his elbow. They both turned to look at him with similar nasty looks on their faces. Severus thought Potter looked more gleeful than ever as he gazed at him, his mouth in a foul grin, his eyes gleaming brightly, and Severus could guess he was reminiscing on his attack. But he didn't stop to punish them now; he thought he had seen Lily's red hair at the end of the long Gryffindor table and rushed towards her.

"Lily-", he started, but then the girl turned and it was somebody else, some other red-haired girl, younger than Lily, who gave him a cold look and regarded him apprehensively. He backed away.

"Severus!" he suddenly heard a female voice call out for him, and turned around eagerly.

To his disappointment, it was some random brown-haired girl who had gotten up from the Slytherin table, and who was waving at him eagerly while approaching him. He frowned, trying to think of who the girl was. She looked only vaguely familiar.

"What do you want?" He asked her rather rudely, peering over her shoulder at the door of the Grand Hall. Lily wasn't here, it appeared he should go to Gryffindor common rooms to find her... well, at least Potter and Black were here, instead of there, buying him time before the inevitable confrontation...

"Well, good morning to you too. I was just about to ask you where you went last night", the girl asked.

"Last night?" Severus asked, frowning as her words barely registered in his mind. He had no time for this nonsense.

"Yes, last night... I was about to come and talk to you, but you disappeared somewhere", the girl said and giggled. She was playing with her hair as she gazed at Severus.

Severus turned to look at her, nonplussed and a little irritated. He suddenly realised she looked familiar because she had been among the swarm of girls he had hidden into when walking to Slughorn's party last night. Right... The one with an ugly glitter rose in her hair.

"Talk about what?"

"Well...uh... just..." the girl giggled again and swirled the lock of hair. "I need help with Potions, I think, or... I mean, Dark Arts. I heard you're good. Maybe we could meet some time, just the two of -"

"Can't this wait?" Severus interrupted impatiently.

The girl looked taken aback. But Severus promptly forgot all about her, because behind the girl's shoulder, he had seen the person he most wanted to see in the world; Lily had stepped into the Grand Hall, and was looking around herself. She didn't look happy, her face set in a tired frown. Her eyes briefly lingered in the Slytherin table – and then she looked straight at Severus. Her frown deepened as she stared at him with defiance. She pursed her lips.

Severus opened his mouth, was just about to wave, or yell -

James Potter got up from the Gryffindor table and walked over to Lily, his steps light and a smile on his face, his hand messing with his hair. And as Severus stared, he lowered his head, as though he was about to whisper something into Lily's ear... but he didn't. Instead his smiling lips landed on Lily's lips, and he encircled his hands around her waist, pulling her body tightly against himself.

And as Severus watched blankly, Lily sneaked her hands up to Potter's hair, pulling him in even tighter, and eagerly reciprocated the kiss.

""

Thanks for the reviews and suggestions, guys! Hope you liked this chapter. It was certainly much, much easier for me to write :) I'll try to update again as soon as I finish writing the next chapter... now it starts to seem like there are at least 2, perhaps even 3 more chapters coming up.


	6. A deep dark thing

Sorry for causing such horror at the end of last chapter ;) I have been thinking about the story a lot lately, and have decided to morph two different stories I had in my head together, making this fic possibly somewhat (or a lot) longer than I originally intended. Originally I meant this to only be 4 chapters long and quite light-hearted, but as the other fic I wanted to write had a somewhat similar original setting, I decided to unite the two. However, that means this fic will turn quite a bit darker. But then again, it did have an M rating to begin with, so hopefully no harm will be done. Expect violence and somewhat graphic sexytimes. Thanks for reviewing!

""

 _The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet._

James Oppenheim

""

Severus had never much believed in fate. He believed that the world was a place where people did things for no purpose at all; or if there was a purpose, it was the fight for domination and survival in this wicked world. There was no fairness to it, no great master plan or higher powers which moved people like pawns on a chess board towards an inevitable, larger-than-life goal. He had always thought those were nothing but romanticised ideas thrown about by weak and delusional people who wanted to justify their actions and failures, or who perhaps tried to manipulate others to bend to their will. There was no fate, just the things people did.

But as he stood in the Grand Hall and watched Lily Evans run her hands up James Potter's hair, watched her lips hungrily explore those of Potter's, and saw their bodies joined together in an embrace, a bizarre feeling overcame him. He felt like this moment right here was the culmination of something larger, like this moment had always been, and had always been coming, like every action and memory he had ever had were always been leading up to this place in time, where he was forced to bear witness to the coming-together of Lily and James Potter. Memories flashed in his mind in blinks of painful visions: that time when Lily and he ate ice cream on the park swings; that time when he rowed with her over Petunia; that one time she took his hand and gasped as she pulled his sleeve up to reveal bruises; and that time when they climbed into trees to see Cokeworth's skyline; and even that time when they had changed compartments in Hogwarts Express to get away from the very person she was now kissing passionately. All those separate times, and they had always been coming here, eventually, inevitably. As though the success of Potter's persistent advances towards her had forever been engraved into the background of every moment they had ever spent together.

Everything was gone, everything.

He felt no surprise, not even shock. In fact, he had a peculiar feeling like he had parted with his physical body and was now floating somewhere above and away from the entire scene in atomic particles, watching the scene unfold before him detachedly and without emotion, only pondering at how silly he had been, for even one moment having thought that he could have stolen Lily for himself, that he could have taken her away from this moment in time where she had always been coming to. In fact, he felt as though he himself had escorted her there, taken her hand and pushed her into Potter's way. The dark, obsessive and misguided cupid to their disgusting, _wrong_ love story.

His mind a haze of peaceful, painful clarity, he walked right out of the Great Hall. The girl who had been talking to him said something in a surprised and hurt voice as he left, but he didn't register what it was. Lily and Potter were still passionately kissing as he passed by them, but he didn't even look at them. Everything felt surreal, almost ridiculous: the way that people around them kept eating their peanut buttered toast, the way the owls kept flying in and out of the hall and dropping letters on the tables, the way his own treacherous heart still continued to beat in his chest when it should have stopped, when it should have been torn to shreds and killed him on the spot.

Nothing around him had changed even though his life had been annihilated.

He didn't know how he made it back to the Slytherin Dungeons. He just suddenly found himself from his bed, where he laid and stared at the ceiling of his bed without seeing the green curtain which was covering the posters of the bed. His heart was beating as though he had been running, and his hands were shaking. He remarked that it was quite strange, because his mind was still calm, detached.

He had become used to loving Lily like a saint: in a distant, worshipping, obsessive way. Therefore he was surprised when he felt a sudden surge of rage and hate penetrating his calm mindset. And what was even more surprising, the hate was directed towards her. It took him a while to understand where the feeling was even coming from – why did he feel that way towards the saintly Lily he had coveted for so long? If anything, he had expected he would hate Potter. But he didn't care about him any more, didn't really even think about him. Potter had always been his enemy: that was nothing new. If Potter had finally managed to rip out his heart in a last, final blow, that was just the ultimate victory in a long battle between them two. But Lily… his old friend, sweet, sweet, lovely… naïve, selfish, lovable, treacherous, horrible Lily.

How could she do this to him? How dare she betray him all over again? Uninvited and painful memories of the end of their friendship overwhelmed him as he hit his closed fist down against the mattress he laid on. He had tried so hard to suppress them, for years concentrating only on what he could have done differently to deserve her friendship, had berated himself for his mistakes and thoughtless actions which had cost him her affection and approval, always thinking how right she had been to abandon him, how he had deserved what had been coming for him… but now he felt anger and bitterness, and it was all her, all because of her. And as he laid there, the small flame of anger seemed to ignite into a roaring, uncontrollable fire. How dare she betray him like this? How could she desire that man, a man who had never brought Severus anything but pain and humiliation, often in front of her very eyes? How could she touch him so intimately, mere hours after touching Severus the same way? How dared she toy with his emotions like this – to come back to him, just to push him even further away, with a knife buried in his back?

His anger, pain and love twisted and tangled all together into a tight, painful knot in his chest and throat, and he grimaced against the pillow, his body shaking violently as he buried his fists in his hair, tearing at the strands. Years and years worth of repression, oppression, regrets and buried emotions were tearing themselves out of him; some dark and horrid thing was pushing out of his very soul and into the surface. Lily's callousness and betrayal tasted like blood and copper in his mouth, and he found himself wishing she had never even been born to torment him, that he himself had never been born to be tormented by her. The deep, possessive attachment he felt towards her was something out of this world; it was never meant to be, it was an impossible, painful, grating thing, which was tearing his soul apart, and he wanted it out of himself. It was simply not meant to exist, he knew, because no one person could feel as much anguish and yet continue to live.

At that moment, if he could have torn out his heart and his soul, he would have. But instead he laid there clutching at his hair and the sheets, feeling that dark, deep thing crawling out of his soul and settle itself into his heart. He welcomed it.

When his convulsing body finally relaxed, he noticed the pillow was wet with tears he hadn't realized he had been shedding. They were still pouring, but his mind had returned to that bizarre, detached clarity which had possessed him earlier, and he lied with his eyes open and hazy with salty tears; but peacefully now. Everything felt rather like his ribs had felt under the numbing spell: shattered and wrong, but temporarily numb and thus bearable. And that thing, that beautiful dark thing, was still nestling in his heart, stopping the pain and whispering, promising to remove the exhaustion and fill the emptiness.

The saintly, other-worldly being which he had painted Lily into, and which he had craved and feared to possess with his unworthy hands and body for so long, had finally become flesh and blood in his mind. She wasn't an angel – she was a devil, which he worshipped like a sinner, but he knew now that he had to face the facts. He could no longer live in this absurd self-delusion, where he and Lily were somehow still linked and would forever continue to be so, and where he fooled himself by hoping they could perhaps grow into something more if he only bided his time and continued to worship her from afar. That was never going to happen. There were just the bittersweet memories of their childish friendship left: of her sleepy face as she appeared to the window of her bedroom when Severus stood on her yard and urged her to come out to play, of the dirty riverbank and trees which had somehow transformed into a magical forest of imagination for them two, of the cherished memories of the three hugs she had ever given him, and which he had etched into his mind and memory so that they would never leave him. And now, also that soiled memory of last night's brief bliss, which was probably nothing more than an echo of old affection and tension trying to manifest themselves through her meaningless, short-sighted and aphrodisiac-induced behavior.

But no, never again. He would leave behind his own naiveté now, his own fluttering hopes and romantic fantasies. His pain, his bitter loneliness and his inability to release himself from under her power - those things were reality. He had to accept them, and try to move on with his life for as long as his miserable heart continued to insist upon beating in his chest, denying him the relief of death.

""

Severus woke up slowly, his mind struggling to come back from the comfort the dreamless sleep had given him. He hadn't meant to fall asleep, and as he looked into his watch, he realized that he had slept around the clock, for it was a couple of minutes to nine in the evening. He had missed his afternoon classes, along with supper which had ended at nine, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He didn't even feel hungry. And besides, he did not wish to return to the rest of the students, for he felt the quiet resolution of someone who has finally realized their place was not among the rest of their peers. He was doomed for solitude, and he wished to make it into his armor and fortress against the painful happiness of the rest of the world.

And so he laid there, contemplating how best to withdraw from the world, when the answer came to him as though once again he was unknowingly knocking on the door of his own destiny, which he didn't even believe in. Silently, he got up from the bed and walked out of the dormitory. His dorm mates had not yet returned from supper, which he was glad for.

He took the longer route, avoiding the busy secret passage between the upper floors and Slytherin Dungeons, where he'd be sure to run into his classmates who were returning from the Great Hall. The way he had chosen was empty. As he reached second floor, he made his way towards the Gargoyle corridor, and from there, even higher, until he stood next to a stone griffin.

Standing there, he realized he did not know how to get in. He had only been inside Dumbledore's office once before, at the time sitting next to James Potter and Sirius Black, all three of them glaring at the floor stubbornly and confessing as little as possible. It had been after Sirius Black had tricked him into going to the Shrieking Shack, where he had seen a glimpse of a werewolf at the end of a hallway before Potter cowardly rushed in to save the necks of himself and Black, together with his. He now wished he hadn't bothered. If Severus had died then, he would have died Lily's friend, and she would have cried and mourned him, and blamed Black and Potter for his death. But since he had survived, she had instead abandoned him, and then rewarded Potter with her love. The dark thing in his chest stretched and tightened its claws around his heart.

Last time, the password to the Headmaster's office had been "chamber music". Tentatively, he tried a few different music-related passwords, getting only an arrogant glare from the griffin statue in response. But as he finally exasperatedly tried "hard rock", the griffin suddenly jumped aside to reveal a staircase. For a brief moment he was surprised, thinking he had guessed the correct, if unlikely, password, but then he realized Albus Dumbledore was standing at the bottom of the stairs looking at him with raised eyebrows.

"Severus Snape? My, isn't this an unexpected surprise", he said peacefully.

His calmness irritated Severus. It seemed as though Dumbledore wasn't in the least bit surprised to see him - as though it was an everyday occurrence that Severus should show up to his office, when in reality he had sworn to himself never to cross the threshold again, not after Dumbledore had just shrugged off Black's murder attempt, and settled on giving him six hours of detention and sending a note to his parents, whilst rewarding Potter with 50 House points for "bravery" and "quick thinking". How very surprising that Gryffindor had once again been rewarded for recklessness and rule-breaking. Just like Potter had been rewarded for his cruelty by Lily. Yes, fairness was a concept Severus had indeed stopped believing in long ago.

"I needed a word, Headmaster", Severus mumbled, trying to keep his voice as chill-free as he could. He needed the Headmaster, and it would not do to upset him.

"Of course", Dumbledore said without further inquiry and made way for Severus. "Please follow me."

He led way to his office, where Severus immediately settled on the same chair he had sat on all those years ago. The Headmaster walked to the opposite side of his large desk and sat down, interlacing his fingers in front of him on the desk and fixing his intense gaze upon Severus with a level of attention that seemed as though his unexpected appearance was something Dumbledore had been expecting all day.

"How may I help you?" he inquired politely.

Severus bit his lip, wondering how best to approach the subject, nudging at the dark thing inside him to help him. The Headmaster continued to look at him attentively, but did not hurry him. Finally Severus sighed and purposefully slumped against his chair as though relaxing, although he felt no such emotion. But now, if ever, it was imperative to keep up appearances.

"I have a request to make", he said and was surprised how well he managed to keep his voice in check. It sounded confident and indifferent, even to his own ears. "I wish to stop attending classes."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows, looking genuinely surprised.

"Stop attending classes?" He repeated slowly. "I must confess my surprise, Severus. I am under the impression that you have done exceedingly well in your studies throughout your time here in Hogwarts. And with only a few more months of school left, this request is indeed unexpected."

Severus didn't blink or turn his gaze away. "I have done well in my studies", he admitted. "I have top marks in every subject. Along with nine Outstanding O.W.L. grades. My request is not born out of wishing to renounce my education."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and eyed him curiously over his half-moon spectacles. "Then you must forgive my confusion and explain yourself. I must say you have managed to rouse my curiosity."

Severus nodded, feeling as though so far things were going rather well, even despite the unnerving gray gaze which seemed to be scanning his insides from across the desk.

"I requested to stop attending classes. However, I still do wish to continue my education", he said, his heart beating wildly in his chest. "I am sorry to say that all throughout Spring, the classes have had little to offer me in terms of new information or skills. Most classes put emphasis on revision for the upcoming N.E.W.T.'s, advancing on the terms of the, ah, less skilled students. I have often found myself idle and thinking I would benefit more from independent studies rather than from sitting on classes where I learn nothing. Independent studying would allow me to perfect my skills to the standard which I myself aspire to present at the examination. I am aware that this request is exceptional, and thus thought that I better approach you directly, Headmaster."

Dumbledore pressed the tips of his index fingers against each other and looked at him for a long time without saying a word. Severus felt rather uncomfortable. He had purposefully used his most boastful, self-confident voice, but as Dumbledore kept gazing at him, he couldn't help but wonder if he had gone too far after all. But then again, everything he said had been true: he had indeed been bored out of his mind on most classes all throughout the Spring term, ever since he had realized that the teachers clearly didn't intend to teach them anything new, but were now instead solely prepping them up for the exams by reviewing their entire seven year education in a nutshell. Of course, his true motivation for wishing to quit classes nevertheless had nothing to do with the curriculum, but rather with the wish to, no, _need_ to avoid Lily and Potter. So he tried very hard to keep his face neutral and earnest as he boldly gazed the Headmaster in the eyes, and willed him to say yes.

"This is indeed an unusual request", Dumbledore finally said. "But not exceptional. There always are some students whose skills exceed those of their peers. Occasionally so greatly, that special arrangements are made. However -"

Severus felt defeated, fearing the "no" he was certain the Headmaster was about to give him. It certainly wouldn't be the first time he came out of this office disappointed, he thought bitterly, reminiscing on his contemptuous feelings towards the Headmaster when he had last left the office, being trailed by Potter and Black who seemed overjoyed and not in the least bit surprised that they had gotten off with nothing but a slap on the wrist and increased House Points.

"- However, I am hesitant to give you an immediate answer. I promise to consider your request with utmost care over this weekend. But I would prefer to talk the matter over with your Head of House before making a decision one way or another. Hopefully you will find my answer suitable, for the time being."

Severus nodded, relieved to not receive a direct rejection.

"I will let you know when I have made my decision", Dumbledore said with finality.

"Thank you, Headmaster", Severus said. Dumbledore was still watching Severus attentively, and for the first time ever, Severus felt as though the man was gazing at him with something resembling respect or understanding. Or at the very least, with something that didn't make Severus feel like a 12-year-old. He looked into Dumbledore's eyes with defiance, hoping that he would read it as an expression of determination instead.

"Is there something else you wish to speak of?" Dumbledore asked him gently, his eyes greyer than ever behind his spectacles.

"No, sir", Severus said and got up. "Thank you. I will remain waiting for your answer. Good night."

After nodding at the Headmaster, Severus left the office, leaving Dumbledore to sit behind his desk. He could feel the man's eyes in his back as he walked out. After finishing his conversation with Dumbledore, he again felt like he was waging war on his emotions, trying to stomp them to the ground so that he wouldn't have to endure another bout of such heart-ripping agony as he had before. He was good at repressing things. He realised that the key was to keep himself busy; to have goals, and to bury his emotions under it all. So he started to plan his private study schedule, should Dumbledore grant him the privilege. And then he moved on to wondering how to avoid _her_ and _him_ if he should not be granted permission to skip the classes; the best way to do it would most likely be to pretend they didn't even exist. Not in the same way as before, where he had secretly been staring and drooling over _her_ any time he could; but rather to actually try and forget their physical presence.

Then he moved on to planning further: he thought of how to best hone his skills in order to be noticed by certain someones, who were most definitely keeping their eye on the Ministry and, according to rumours, recruiting new members as the results of promising N.E.W.T. results. His mouth turned into a grimace as the idea of being recruited mixed in with fantasies of appearing behind _his_ front door, wearing a mask and a cloak, holding his wand… he imagined how _his_ hazel eyes would widen as he took off the mask, when _he_ realized who and what he was dealing with… he would take his revenge, and it would be glorious...

Mulling his thoughts over, concentrating on plans of practicing wandless magic and dark spells, Severus returned to the dormitory where his dorm mates had arrived during his absence.

"Care to explain what came over you this morning?" Morland asked him sullenly as he appeared to the dormitory. "And why weren't you at Dark Arts? Or Herbology, for that matter?"

"I had a long night. I fell asleep after breakfast", Severus said curtly, his voice darker than usual. He didn't much appreciate Morland's way of talking to him, but he was rather influential and well-connected, and getting on his bad side would be tactless and ill-advised, especially now.

Morland humphed.

"Very well. I assumed as much, when you didn't come to the dormitory last night. So, who is she?"

Severus stared at him and frowned, trying very hard to understand what he meant. His brain seemed to be oddly slow today, concentrated only on his dark plans. The only _she_ he could think of was _her_ , and Morland certainly wouldn't be asking him about that.

"The girl you were out with?" Morland prompted him, changing into his pajamas.

"Oh", Severus realized, starting to undress and hiding his face. Of course Morland and the rest had assumed he had been out with a girl. _Her_ face and tender eyes blinked in his mind before the dark thing in his heart ripped the memory out of his mind and stomped it somewhere deep and inaccessible. "I can't even remember her name anymore."

""

Monday morning, after a weekend of very early breakfasts and late lunches and dinners, the purpose of which had been for Severus to avoid the two people he now wished he would never in his life lay his eyes on again (at least not before he could appear behind _his_ door with his wand), he sat at the Slytherin table and lamented over the fact that he had not yet heard from Dumbledore. That might mean he would be forced to attend today's Potions class. And that meant... but no, he would not go there. He immediately banished the emotions threatening to resurface, crushing them to the ground before they rose to the surface. He would never again let himself feel that way.

A large grey owl suddenly swooshed over his head and dropped a heavy letter on the table next to his plate of bacon. For a moment he just stared at the letter, at his own name which was written in an elegant, unknown hand-writing, and then grabbed it and tore open the envelope quickly. His fingers were trembling slightly as he smoothed the parchment under his hand.

 _Dear Severus,_

 _Returning to the subject of our Friday's conversation, I have discussed your circumstances with Professor Slughorn, who he has given me his highest recommendations regarding your abilities and self-discipline. He agrees with your notion that the content of the current curriculum might not be in accordance with your skills. Thus, I am pleased to inform you that I have decided to agree to your request and grant you the privilege of studying independently for the rest of the term._

 _However, I have not made this decision lightly, and would like to implore you to attend classes should you feel you require the help of a teacher at any point in your studies. I have also arranged with Professor Slughorn to take an hour off his busy schedule each week to check upon your progress, during which I expect you to be able to provide him with satisfactory proof of development in your independent studies. Please see him for additional details._

 _I wish you the best of luck with your N.E.W.T.'s studies, and look forwards to seeing the results of your examinations._

 _With kind regards,_

 _Albus Dumbledore  
Headmaster of Hogwarts_

Severus's lips curled as he re-read the letter. No Potions, no classes... he could concentrate on improving himself without distraction now. His heart beat quickly in his chest as he felt that a whole new door had opened up for him: a new goal, a new future, now filled with something else entirely than the deep green of _her_ eyes – he repressed that brief blink of a memory again. Just like he would do, again and again and again, until he would forget. Plans of the Library, Forbidden books, hidden practice places flashed in his mind. So little time, so many spells to create.

The dark thing shivered in his chest in anticipation.


	7. This nagging feeling

Prepare yourselves for a pretty immature Lily Evans. You have been warned.

""

 _Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid._

\- George Carlin

""

Lily had always prided herself in having a great sense of self-worth. Unlike many other girls, including many of her closest friends, she had never been particularly concerned with her looks: they were what they were, and all in all she was rather happy about the way things were. Deep down, she also looked down on girls who hussed about their looks, finding them shallow and silly. She didn't like shallow boys either, much preferring wits and strong character to a chiseled jawline or product-covered hair. However, she was well aware, that despite herself being above judging people by their looks, other people weren't; and thus, she felt she was in a rather good position herself. It wasn't just her looks, though. Lily also knew she could be witty and charming, and thus she saw no reason to settle for any less than she deserved.

Which is why she felt such anger and irritation at the way Sev had treated her.

Sorrow and anger had taken turns dominating Lily's moods during the weekend, until she felt sick of everything. Finally she had settled on being angry, because it was just so much easier that way. She had given Sev a chance, had bared her heart to him... and he had rejected her, made it clear he was ashamed to be seen with her, and then stood her up. Yes, anger was much easier. She didn't really like thinking sad things.

On Sunday evening, she was lying on her bed behind the drawn red curtains, hiding from the rest of the Gryffindors. She was uncomfortably aware of having become the subject of intense gossiping in the past few days. Not all of it particularly benevolent, she had realised the hard way: a lot of girls fancied James Potter, and hadn't taken the recent turn of events kindly. She had heard their mean-spirited and purposefully loud gossiping in the common room as she had peeked out the door. The words "cocktease" and "hypocrite" had been thrown around more than once, making her grit her teeth as a great amount of hurtful answers threatened to spill out of her mouth. Funny how easily people turn against you when you have something they want, she pondered. The same gossipers had been nice enough to her only a few days earlier.

But she had to admit that she hadn't been mentally prepared for the reactions of even her closest friends: she had caught Mary and Bunny huddled close together and in the middle of a juicy gossiping session on Mary's bed the night before. The girls had abruptly stopped talking when she had entered the dorms and busied themselves by enthusiastically pretending to search for a missing bracelet from amongst the sheets of the neatly made bed, but the act hadn't quite managed to fool her. When she had pointed out that Mary was wearing the bracelet on her wrist, they both had turned rather pink.

She couldn't think of a single person she wanted to see. Nosy buggars, the lot of them.

Least of all she wanted to see James Potter, who had been hopefully stalking at the bottom of the stairway leading up to the girls' dormitories all weekend long, apparently waiting for her to emerge and repeat their Thursday evening's activities (Lily blushed as she thought about it). But luckily N.E.W.T.'s were an excellent excuse to remain holed in bed along with a pile of books and tell everyone to sod it. She didn't really know what to do about James, and hoped against hope he would just get bored and decide to leave her alone. Fat chance, though. She had been wishing along the same lines for years, but to no avail. She somehow doubted his disposition would change after having had a heated roll on the Gryffindor common room couch with her.

She couldn't really explain, even to herself, why she had kissed him that night after Slughorn's party, and was tempted to just chalk it all up to the Potion's effect. After stalking back from the Slytherin Dungeons swallowing tears of anger and disappointment, she had made her way back to the Gryffindor common rooms, still fuming with anger and humiliation as she ran over her thoughts about the evening in her head. Somehow, Sev's rejection and Mulciber's harsh words and haughty voice had made her feel dirty, unwanted, rejected. Every emotion she experienced had felt magnified that night, and resisting any action that crossed her mind had seemed impossible. She had off-handedly exploded a couple of armours on her way to the common rooms, wishing she could've made Mulciber and Avery explode in their stead. Their arrogant grins haunted her every step of the way. Her body had ached for something. For Sev. For anyone.

When Lily had climbed through the portrait hole and into Gryffindor common rooms, she had met James Potter and Sirius Black huddled close together in an othewise empty common room, laughing at something private with tears of mirth in their eyes. For some reason – perhaps the Potion - she had found them both rather physically attractive at that moment, even forgetting to be angry at James for spiking her drink in the first place. She had looked at James's mouth and the thought of kissing him had crossed her mind - and to her immense surprise (and pleasure too, she had to admit) she had abruptly found herself eagerly kissing him, before the thought had even fully formed in her mind. Much like she had found herself kissing Sev earlier.

The surprise and pleasure on James's face had only spurred her on. Sirius had stared at them, his mouth a surprised 'o', until he had had the mind to slip away, throwing unbelieving looks behind his shoulder as he went. As they had kissed, she had felt immense satisfaction. Not only had her body desperately craved attention which Sev had earlier denied her, but she had also thought of Mulciber's sneering words, about how no pureblood would want to touch her... well, he'd been wrong! James certainly hadn't minded! And he hadn't minded the following morning at breakfast either, kissing her in front of all those people. She rather hoped she had made Sev jealous.

She wondered, for the umpteenth time, if she should write an angry letter to Sev, to berate him for being the stupid idiot he was. But every time she thought what to write him, tears welled up behind her eyes, banishing the anger she preferred to feel, and she realised she couldn't quite put into words whatever it was that had hurt her most about his behaviour. She herself wasn't even certain. The way he had stood her up? The way he had abandoned her, _again_ , without an explanation, like she was nothing to him? How he had sent his disgusting wannabe-Death-Eater pals to tell her he didn't want to see her, instead of manning up and saying it to her to her face?

 _...you should come a few minutes later... I wouldn't like to spread too much gossip..._

Yeah,the gossip following being seen with a _Mudblood,_ when Sev was clearly pretending to be a pureblood himself _..._ the bloody idiot! He'd never confessed to it, but Lily was certain he hadn't advertised his Muggle roots among his fellow Slytherins. He could bloody well come and explain himself to Lily if he ever wanted to speak to her again – she wasn't going to crawl to him like dog looking to get kicked, not after he had yet again rejected her. And why should she? Sev was meddling with Dark Arts, everyone knew that. All Gryffindors shunned him. He should have been glad Lily had even allowed him to speak to him, let alone for climbing in his lap and snogging him! But no – he fancied himself too _pure_ for that sort of stuff. Too pure for _her_.

Lily felt anger flame up inside of her and eagerly fed the feeling, wanting it to remain and not turn into tears and sorrow.

 _...you think he'd want to touch a Mudblood like you with his wand, let alone with any other appendix? No pureblood would, so go on, stop making yourself ridiculous and leave. Crawl back to whatever sewer rats or Muggles are desperate enough to hang out with_ your kind _..._

And it was also really quite obvious Sev had something going on with Generia Fern – why else would he have arrived to Slughorn's party with her and those horrible friends of hers? He had been talking to her in the Great Hall, too... Lily had intended to go and talk to him in the Great Hall that morning, to tell him exactly how she felt about his behaviour, but had decided not to after noticing he was with _Generia Fern_ again... Lily really couldn't understand what Severus saw in her. Fern wasn't particularly bright, and besides, she had once hexed Lily's eyebrows green on a third year Transfiguration class, supposently by accident, but Lily knew better. Although – Lily sniffed as she thought about it – she supposed Fern was tolerable-looking, at least if one liked mousy hair and didn't mind her horrible taste in hair accessories. And she was pure-blood, too. Perfect for Sev then. Lily sniffed again.

The more she thought about it, the more angry she felt. And then she just felt sad. Back there in Slughorn's party, for a moment she had thought...

Suddenly a sound, like a fog horn, pierced the air outside the dormitory doors. She heard shouts, then something that could have been either laughter or a shriek – the door of the dormitory was thrown open.

Lily scrambled up and wiped tears off her face, her wand in hand, her heart beating fast in her chest as she pulled open the curtains around the bed and peeked out.

"And _that's_ how it's done!" A familiar voice declared triumphantly as the fog bells went silent. "Told you I could!"

"Well done, mate!" Barking laughter carried from somewhere downstairs.

Lily stared. James Potter had managed to reel himself up the girls' stairway, which had turned into a slippery slide under his feet, by conjuring up a thick ropey vine which had attached itself to the wall next to the door. He was standing at the doorway, wiping his damp forehead and looking extremely happy about himself, still holding on to the vine.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked him as she quickly scrambled off the bed. She didn't want to give him any ideas. "You're not supposed to be here!"

"Why, I came to see you, of course", James said, sounding surprised. "I haven't managed to catch you all weekend. Not even at meals."

"I've been busy", Lily said. In truth, she had sneaked into the kitchen outside meal times in order to not run into him. Or into Sev. "Get out!"

"I'm not going anywhere", James laughed.

"I'm Head Girl, Potter!" Lily said, trying to muster up some sort of an air of authority, although she was painfully aware of the flush creeping up her chest. The last time she had seen him, his tongue had been in her mouth. She didn't really know what to think about that. "You _will_ get out, or I will duck House Points! Yes, from my own House!"

"Well, _Evans,_ I'm Head Boy, in case you haven't noticed", James said lazily and gestured towards the silvery pin on his chest. "So... I guess I can just reward them back to you? 50 points for looking outrageously fit, perhaps?" He winked.

Lily gaped at him. He was just so... he was so... why did he have to be so damn _adamant?_

James walked past her and threw himself down on her bed among her textbooks as though he belonged there, stretching himself. Then he looked at Lily mischeviously and mussed up his hair in that way he always did when he tried to assume an air of nonchalant sexiness.

"You're welcome to join me, if you want."

"Uhh... no thanks."

James pretended to pout. She hated herself for thinking he looked sort of cute, with his mussed up hair sticking into every direction. He took his wand out and started drawing blue rings of smoke to the ceiling of her bed. Lily didn't know what to do, so she just awkwardly changed her weight from one foot to the other, gaping at the man in her bed. She didn't find him as attractive as she had under the influence of the Potion, she decided, but he was nevertheless good-looking. She pushed the thought out of her mind and decided to think about what that meant later.

"Are you avoiding me?" James suddenly asked her. Lily blinked; she hadn't expected him to be neither so perceptive nor quite so direct.

"Umm... no..." She found herself replying, without stopping to ponder why she was lying. "I've just been busy. With the N.E.W.T.'s."

"Oh, good", James said. "Because I thought... you know. That maybe it was all happening too fast or something. That you had second thoughts about us."

"Like I said. Busy", Lily heard herself say. She wanted to slap herself; this was her way out, why wasn't she taking it?

James came to a sitting position on her bed, pushing the wand in his pocket. He smiled at her, a mischevious and happy smile, the kind that made a lot of girls practically melt.

"I'm glad. And... I will leave you alone now, if you want. That's actually what I came to ask you."

Lily nodded mutely.

James got up from the bed, but instead of exiting the dormitory, he appeared close to Lily, wrapping his arms around her. She lifted her eyes to meet his, and before she had any time to react, found James's lips pressed against hers. He kissed her twice swiftly, his lips wet against hers. No tongue. Then he quickly squeezed Lily's hip and skipped to the door, grinning as he went.

"See you at breakfast. 8.30, all right? Don't be late, Lils."

 _Lils?_

The horn started ringing its warning again as the stairs transformed into a slide. James jumped on it and glided down in one fluid motion. Lily waved her wand and closed the door behind him, blocking out the ear-splitting horn. Then she slumped down on her bed, feeling rather stunned. She had a strange feeling that she had somehow just ended up becoming James Potter's girlfriend.

God, why did he have to be so relentless? Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Although, Lily had to admit, there was something quite flattering in being pursued so eagerly. _Sev_ would never do that.

She was still sitting deep in her thoughts when Mary and Bunny came in. Again, they stopped talking when they saw her, then exchanged a pink-cheeked glance. Lily turned up her nose at them and climbed back into the bed, shutting the curtains behind her. She grabbed her Arithmancy textbook, but couldn't understand a single symbol or word on the page in front of her.

There was another emotion, mixed together in the jumble she was already feeling. She couldn't quite pinpoint what it was, but it was an uncomfortable, prickling kind of feeling which pierced through both her anger and the sadness lurking underneat the anger.

She decided that she would talk with Sev the following day at breakfast, even if she had to go to the Slytherin table in order to do so. If for no other reason, than for getting the opportunity to tell him what a fool he was being, what a mistake he had made. To tell him that this time, they were finally through for good, and that it was all because of him, because of his arrogance and stupidity. And then she would find a way to tell James she didn't want to be with him. Because she didn't want to be with him, she wanted to be with...

 _Shut up._

""

James waited for Lily in the morning at precisely 8.30, leaning against the column of the girls' stairway. His face lit up when he saw her and he grinned at her. Lily braced herself; this was it. Now she'd _have_ to tell him she just wasn't interested in him that way, no matter if her recent actions had seemed to suggest otherwise. This was the perfect moment -

"Oy! She's here!" James shouted before she had the time to open her mouth.

"Oh, finally, I'm starving..."

"Thought she had slipped out after all..."

It appeared as though Lily would not be having breakfast with just James alone. Remus, Sirius and Peter had gotten up from the couch near the fireplace, each still in various states of sleep, it seemed. Peter kept his puffy eyes closed as he fumbled about the room, like he was sleepwalking. Sirius was still wearing pajamas under his robes. Remus looked as though he had just flung himself out of a coffin; his face was ashen and sickly and he had dark eye-circles. N.E.W.T:'s were clearly sucking the life out of them.

"I'm going straight back to bed after breakfast", Sirius mumbled. "Sod Potions."

Something fluttered inside Lily. Potions. Yes, they had Potions today! She could talk with Sev there!

"You know Slughorn's about to fail you already", Remus warned him. "You can't skip it."

"I couldn't care less about old Slug... besides, he can't keep me from graduating so this will be the last I'll ever see of him anyway..."

James took Lily's hand in his and smiled at her, almost shyly.

"Is Mary coming to breakfast?" Sirius asked her.

"Uh, I think she left already", Lily said. "She's stopped waiting for you. You know, because you always bail out on her."

 _Stupid boys, the lot of them._

Sirius looked aghast. " _I'm_ not bailing on _her._ She's the one always bailing on _me!"_

Lily rolled her eyes. "Right", she said icily as the portrait flung open in front of them. She really couldn't help it – she just didn't like Sirius. He was good-looking, but far too aware of it, and Mary wouldn't be the first girl left crying over her broken heart once Sirius was done with her. And there was just something about Sirius that deeply bothered her, an undercurrent of bitterness and something dark, both of which he covered up with his charms and polished, lopsided smiles.

"How are your N.E.W.T.'s studies going, Lily?" Remus asked her. They spent the rest of the way to the Great Hall comparing their study schedules and guessing at what kinds of spells they would be required to perform at the examinations, and if the teachers would teach them anything new all Spring. Lily felt quite good about her own progress in comparison to the Marauders. Peter had hardly opened his books, insisting he was on the verge of an anxiety attack any time he as much as thought about the N.E.W.T.'s, Sirius or James didn't seem particularly worried about the whole affair, and Remus had studied diligently, but hadn't been able to quite master any wandless magic yet, and occasionally also struggled with wordless Transfiguration.

She was very aware of James's hand in hers, but it was somehow easy to avoid thinking about it too much, because the presence of the rest of the gang padded down the intimity of the gesture. And she couldn't help feeling something like satisfaction at the way a lot of girls looked at her sourly as they walked into the Great Hall together. She noticed Grover Vass looking at her, his expression a little crestfallen. Her eyes flitted towards the Slytherin table, but she couldn't locate Sev. But she walked in with just a slightly straighter back than usual, clutching at James's hand in hers – just in case he was watching. Mary and Bunny looked at her with strange expressions on their faces and then Bunny whispered something into Mary's ear. Lily purposefully chose to sit far away from them. Sirius skipped to Mary's side, kissing her cheek and saying something to her as he plopped down to sit beside her. Mary looked quite grumpy and Bunny leaned away from the two, as though Sirius's mere presence nauseated her.

Lily dared to throw another glance at the Slytherin table. She still couldn't see Sev, although she located Mulciber, Avery and Rosier sitting together, looking as haughty as ever as they munched on their beans on toast. Generia Fern and her gabbling group of girl friends were sitting a few seats further; Sev wasn't there either. She found herself relieved at that. Lily's gaze lingered on Fern. Lily realised she disliked everything about her, from the stupid glittery green bow fluttering on top of the pile of back-combed mousy-brown hair to the blue eyeshadow which did nothing for her pale blue eyes, and which Lily thought made her pink skin look rather ruddy. _What is the point,_ she wondered, of _wearing makeup if you don't even know what you're doing._ She turned her eyes away from the girl and forcefully stabbed a piece of bacon with her fork. Well, at least now she didn't have to go to Slytherin table to speak her mind. She could do so at Potions instead.

But Sev didn't show up to Potions.

Lily sat at the edge of her seat as students streamed in the door to the dungeons, craning her neck to locate Sev's tall, dark form among the masses, her body pumping adrenaline through her veins and preparing itself for the satisfaction of a good row, and feeling something else too, fluttering pleasantly inside her, which she decided not to dwell on. But when everyone had sat down on their respective desks, she had to admit that he simply appeared to be absent from class.

"Good morning, everyone!" Slughorn greeted the students as he walked in, belly ahead the rest of him. "Today, I have a tricky assignment for you! A little pay-back for letting you off without homework last Thursday, hah! You will need to work in pairs for this..."

Lily slumped back in her seat, feeling bizarrely deflated. She had looked forwards to seeing Sev... to make it clear what she thought of his behaviour, of course. And she didn't have a Potions partner now either.

"Professor!", James said from behind her. "Sirius is ill today, sir. So I'm missing a partner."

"Oh, is that so? I hope it's nothing serious? Black is lagging a little behind on his work..."

"No, sir. Just a cold."

"Hmm... very well then. Go sit with Lily Evans. She's also missing a partner."

James circled his desk and jumped to sit on Sev's usual seat next to Lily, giving her a grin which told her this was exactly the sort of turn of events he had been hoping for. Lily felt her mood drop as she turned away from him and started pulling our her textbook and setting up a fire under her cauldron. How on earth had it come to this? That bizarre nagging emotion which she couldn't quite pin-point was eating at her again, and she tried very hard to make out any sense of what it was that she was feeling.

"You will be making a Calamity Calm draught today. You should be familiar with its theory, it was briefly introduced last year. So - can anyone tell me what that is and how it's used?"

Lily raised her hand unenthusiastically. Slughorn nodded at her.

"It's a draught used to calm down a person who has just gone through a traumatic event" she said. "Its purpose is to stop the person from developing any lasting psychosomatic symptoms, such as nightmares, flash-backs or anxiety. It also acts as a sedative, allowing the person to temporarily detach himself from the situation."

"Excellently put, Lily! Five points to Gryffindor. This potion is rather tricky, and gone wrong, may cause the person to fall into a coma... so turn your textbooks to page 288, carefully read through the instuctions and don't hesitate to ask me for advice if you are unsure..."

James wasn't exactly bad at Potions, but as they started prepping their ingredients, Lily had to admit that their team work sucked. James didn't pay any attention to what Lily was doing, wasting time independently chopping up ingredients Lily had already prepped, and throwing things in the cauldron without measuring the exact amounts. And he didn't do it like Sev did, with an innate hunch about the correct amount, but rather with an air of indifference which backfired as the Potion unexpectantly jellied up. He also didn't read the instuctions all the way before getting to work, leaving the Potion to simmer for too long as he squinted at the instuctions through his fogged glasses, when he should have been paying careful attention to the temperature and simmering. Lily had to start barking orders at him, trying her best to re-liquidify the Potion by adding hefty doses of aloe vera and swamp water, and was irritated at him when he reacted with an attitude that could be at best be described as blasé, and at worst as amused.

She managed to fix the consistency eventually, but wasn't happy with the creation although she was almost certain it worked. She thought she saw a slight look of disappointment on Slughorn's face as he collected the flasks at the end of the lesson, but he nodded at the Potion approvingly and didn't say anything. She was fuming as she gathered her textbooks at the end of the lesson, and felt tears of irritation prickling at her eyes. She hoped Sev would return before Thursday's class, because things were just _wrong,_ and she didn't know what to do about it. She wanted to unravel her anger on Sev, to blurt out all the jumbled feelings inside her into his face, and she just _had_ to see him to make sense of anything. Where was he, anyway?

Luckily James didn't take Advanced Arithmancy, so Lily managed to shake him off after a hasty lunch as she made her way to the afternoon classes. She hadn't seen Sev at lunch, and was upset to find he was conspicuously absent from Arithmancy, too. She supposed he had to be ill; there indeed was flu going around the school, the by-product of a wet and chilly February. Professor Vector didn't mention anything about his absence as she charmed a large stack of parchments on their desks, announcing they were having a pop quiz. At least there would be no pair work going on at this class. Arithmancy was the one subject where most everything was done very independently, and the pop quizzed resembled more of a full-blown examination than a light-hearted test.

Lily felt exhausted at the end of the day as she dragged herself back to the Gryffindor common rooms and into the dorms. The dorms seemed empty at first glance, although Mary's bed curtains were drawn and she wasn't certain if someone was there or not. Throwing her bag on her bed, she decided to take a long bath and then go straight to bed, wishing the day was over already.

The hot water relaxed her a bit, clearing her thoughts a little. Now that she was no longer surrounded by James or the rest of Marauders, she couldn't help but to wonder what she was doing. Really, why the hell hadn't she yet dumped James? She didn't _want_ to date him, did she? She wished he'd just take a hint and give up. But of course he was thick-headed enought to assume she fancied him, no matter how many years she had spent rejecting him. But even as she berated him in her head, a nagging voice at the back of her own head reminded her that she _had_ kissed him. And she hadn't exactly whipped away his hand when he'd taken hers, either. Nor had she told him to get out of her sight when he had offered her a way out last night, lying on her bed. Sinking deeper into the bubbly water, she thought she would give up just about everything if things would just resolve on their own.

After the shower, she wrapped herself into a fluffy purple robe, then grabbed her toothbrush and toilet bag and went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Mary was there too, her hair wet from a shower, plucking her eyebrows with a pair of tweezers. She had plucked them too thin. Lily stiffened a little, not really in the mood to talk to her; she still harboured a grudge over her friend back-stabbing her and gossiping about her affairs. Mary looked at her through the mirror, her face a little sour. Lily didn't say anything, just went to the sink next to her and started digging through her toilet bag. For a moment the two girls were silent.

"So..." Mary finally broke the silence. "You and James Potter, huh?"

"Hmph", Lily muttered noncommittally and squeezed an unnecessarily large amount of toothpaste on her toothbrush.

"I thought you didn't like him?" Mary tried again. Lily pushed the toothbrush into her mouth and started brushing, irritation coiling inside her. Mary was clearly fishing out more material for gossip. Well, Lily wasn't about to give her the satisfaction.

"What's it to you?" She spit out in between spitting toothpaste into the sink. Mary stiffened beside her and stopped plucking her brows.

"Well, I was under the impression we were friends", she said coolly.

Lily laughed coldly. "Right. Well, you have a peculiar way of treating your friends."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Lily rinsed her mouth and turned to look at Mary, narrowing her eyes. "I've seen you and Bunny gossiping about me! Don't even try to deny it! Some friend you are!"

Mary looked as though she had swallowed a lemon. Then she pursed her lips in apparent anger. "And you don't think we have better things to do than gossip about your stupid love life?" She hissed. "Oh – I forgot, of course we don't! Queen Lily is so interesting that _of course_ we're following her every movement, holding our breaths for the next development in her super interesting love life! Maybe it's hard for you to comprehend, but _everything_ doesn't revolve around you!"

Lily felt anger, white hot and satisfying, filling her, pushing out everything else. She wanted to lash out, about anything anything, to anyone. "Don't try to pretend you haven't! I've seen you two, going all quiet and flushed when I come in to the dorms!"

"You don't understand anything", Mary said and angrily hurled her tweezers into the sink. They made a sharp, clattering sound as they hit the porcelain. "Not a single fucking thing. You're too self-absorbed to see anything beyond your own navel."

Then she left the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

"You plucked your eyebrows too thin!" Lily couldn't help maliciously shouting at the closed door.

She remained behind, her heart drumming in her chest as she washed her face. She felt a mix of pleasure, rage and something else too - that weird nagging sensation at the back of her mind again. Wishing she had a cauldronful of Calamity Calm to chug down, she stalked back to the dormitory, and straight to her bed. Mary had disappeared behind the closed curtains around her bed, and she could hear whispers from inside. She guessed Bunny was there too, and that the two girls were enthusiastically gossiping about her. _Hypocrite. Cocktease._ She could just hear the words of the other girls in her ears. She pulled her own curtains shut and threw herself on the bed, her hands closed in fists as she hated everyone around herself, every single treacherous friend she'd ever had.

It took her a long time to fall asleep. She heard Bunny get out of Mary's bed and slip into her own, then Alice coming in, the cheerful good nights which the other girls exchanged between themselves. Lily felt absolutely alone among her friends. Tears were forming in her eyes, as she thought about everything that had transpired in such a short amount of time. It felt as though something earthmoving had happened without her truly having realised it had, like some invisible line had been crossed, something broken and gone. She tried to push the insistent sadness away, trying to reach inside herself for the anger which felt much, much better. But it was gone, and she found nothing but panic and sadness in its place. And there was that third feeling too, involuntarily pushing itself to the surface.

As she laid there in the darkness and felt her cheeks flush, she realised what that feeling was.

It was shame.

""

Note: in British English, "fit" pretty much means the same as hot, or so I've been told.

Note 2: For everyone who are surprised by the irrational behavior of Severus and Lily: people are irrational creatures, especially as teenagers. That's pretty much the reason why they fell out in the original canon in the first place.


	8. He, who was there

Note: sorry for accidentally uploading the wrong version of the chapter (without the quote and with minor differences), hopefully not many of you had the time to read it.

 _""_

 _If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end;_

 _If you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth,_

 _only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair._

\- C.S. Lewis

""

The week had started with miserable, wet weather, and there was no end to it come Thursday. In the mornings, it rained. In the evenings, it rained. And it wasn't proper rain either; the raindrops were freezing cold and slushy, nearly solid but not quite, and they felt disgusting when they dripped down from the skies and into the insides of collars.

The slush never disappeared; it remained on the ground, and underneath it there was ice, ready to trip over anyone who carelessly hurried across the yard. The castle felt fuller than usual, with students huddled together by the fires of the common rooms and away from the nasty February weather; tired-faced students studying for O.W.L.'s and N.E.W.T.'s in the Library, in the Great Hall, in private study circles in empty classrooms. To Lily it felt like all the joy and coziness had been sucked away from the castle, and been replaced by drafty corners, the smell of damp clothes and wet shoes, by dark and empty corridors. She hadn't been warm in a week; she was always shivering, always cold. The absence of all that was warm and comforting ate at her insides, and Hogwarts felt like a stranger to her.

Within one week, Lily had become completely alienated from most of her friends. She felt offended at their gossip, at the way Bunny and Mary only hung out with each other these days and no longer invited her to join them at all; although if they had, she would've coldly rejected the offer, because she didn't want to hang out with such wily back-stabbers anyway. At least not until they both apologised to her for their unacceptable behaviour. So she tried her very best to not see them nestled together in the dormitory, whispering and then throwing glances at her when they thought she wasn't looking. But she had to admit she felt a little envious every time she saw them together; she missed Mary's dry, witty humour and Bunny's wide-eyed naivete and sweetness.

At least Alice remained neutral, and Lily hadn't seen or heard her join in on the gossip. She seemed to be avoiding Bunny and Mary too, and Lily was grateful for her loyalty. But Alice spent most of her time love-lornly gazing into Frank Longbottom's eyes by the common room fire, and their sheepish looks and awkward attempts to inconspicuously sneak closer to each other irritated Lily so much that she mostly remained holed up in the dormitory, at least until Mary and Bunny appeared. When they did, she usually gave them a sour look, grabbed her textbooks and moved on to an empty classroom or some other nook of the castle, trying her damn hardest to shut out all thought from her head. She didn't often stay in the common rooms, as that's where the worst gossipers hung out.

Sev had seemed to disappear off the face of the Earth. Lily had decided she shouldn't care, but she did, and she hated that she did. He hadn't been to any meals, as far as she knew. She hadn't caught him in the Library; nor was he at their 6th floor meeting place. She felt like a stalker as she sneaked around the school, inconspicuously trying to find him while pretending like she was just stumbling about her stalking-places by accident, nonchalantly, ready to act surprised and suitably contemptuous should she meet Sev there. And for what? She didn't even know. She had decided that she would further contemplate upon her feelings only if, and when, she saw him, and make up her mind about what to say on the spot.

Lily's thoughts were jumbled and often didn't make much sense. All in all, she just realised she was somehow messed up and not-herself now that Sev wasn't there, but other than that she didn't like to dwell on her thoughts about him. She reluctantly had to admit, that the fact that he had always been _there_ , technically available to her, should she ever want to reach out to him, even if for nothing else than for his sneers or anti-Muggle slurs, had made her feel secure, connected. He had always been there, _always_ , either seven floors down in the castle's dungeons, or thirteen blocks away on Spinner's End; always linked to her somehow, always a walking-distance, always just a decision to not see him away. For nine years; most of the years of her life she could remember. And maybe even longer: always there, thirteen blocks away, even before they had met, Sev, his black eyes and magic and the intensity of his presence, unknown to her then, but always connected.

Lily realised that she hadn't not known where he was at any given moment ever since they had first met nine years ago. But now that he wasn't available and she didn't know what was going on with him, she felt like one of the ghosts wandering about Hogwart's corridors, all pale and woeful and lost. She felt like she had lost herself along with him.

Unexpectedly, Lily found some comfort in James Potter. He was always _there_. She had to actively avoid him if she wanted time alone, because otherwise he would've spent every moment next to her, like a stubborn wart or a hungry pet cat insisting upon rubbing himself against her legs (quite literally). He was bubbly, fun and attentive, and Lily held on to him and his group of friends for her life, drinking in whatever it was about him that said to her _don't think, don't feel, don't stress, just chill._ He was like a giant cauldron of Calamity Calm: she felt all her thoughts and anxiousness and yearning slip somewhere into the back of her mind when he was around; him and his stupid pranks and raucous laughter that filled her silence. And so, she kept putting off having _the talk_ with him, even though her lack of spine swirled as an unpleasant nagging in her head every time she was alone.

Instead she tried her hardest to behave as normally as possible around James, not willing to tell him to go, but not willing to give him what he wanted either; pushing his hand off her thigh when he slipped it there, turning her head away any time she felt James might be misinterpretating the moment as appropriate for a little snog, and making sure they were never, ever left alone together. All week long, Lily had had her meals with the Marauders, and while the jokes and laughs and presence of other people eased Lily's mind, she no longer hoped to be seen by Sev. Every time she thought about Sev seeing her with James and his gang, her insides swelled with shame again.

On Thursday afternoon a week after Valentine's Day, after yet another breakfast and lunch of staring at Sev's empty seat at the Slytherin table, Lily decided that if Sev didn't show up for the Potions class beginning in half an hour, she'd swallow her pride and ask Slughorn where he was.

"What say you, Lils?" James voice reached her through her haze.

"Huh?"

"You're a million miles away", James laughed, his eyes sparkling. "So... yes or no?"

"Huh? Um, yes?" Lily muttered, shivering in the cold air of the Great Hall, unsure what they had even been discussing. Generia Fern had just showed up for lunch, and Lily had been eagerly peering at the posse behind her for signs of Sev, unable to relax until each and every one of those giggling, stupid girls had come in and taken their place. Sev hadn't been with them. _Good... sort of._

To her surprise and annoyance, James, Sirius and Peter burst out laughing at her 'yes'. Even Remus smirked from behind his textbook. Peter laughed an irritating, high-pitched, kiss-assery sort of fake laughter, and she wanted to throw a boiled egg into his stupid, guffawing face. She wondered why everything seemed to piss her off these days.

"Well, that proves it – Earth to Evans", James teased her, squeezing her knee affectionately. Lily's knee jerked instinctively. She crossed her legs.

"What?" She asked, irritated, when the boys exchanged amused looks and Peter kept on snickering like he'd just heard the best joke of his life.

"He, hm, asked if you wanted to meet him in the Prefects' bathroom tonight, to see this magic trick he could do with his... wand." Remus said and didn't remove his eyes from his textbook.

"Oh, ha, ha..." Lily dug into her eggs with a sour face. All throughout the week, the boys had been dropping irritating little jokes about the relationship between her and James. She disliked them intensely. They hadn't even kissed since that night in her dormitory, but she knew it was only because James was trying to not scare her off. She'd seen his eyes wander about her body and knew what it meant. She actually felt she would've preferred kissing him to his constant sex jokes, and to his habit of putting his hand on her thigh whenever they sat together, though.

Sirius was craning his neck, looking for Mary. They had probably been arguing again, Lily thought. Mary was sitting with Bunny and seemed determined not to even look at Sirius. As Lily's eyes trailed along the table, she noticed Alice glancing at them from a few seats away; she was smiling and then rolled her eyes at the boys. Lily suddenly felt a little bit warmer inside and replied with a smile. Alice got up and started walking towards them, dragging Frank behind herself. He was still eating his toast and looked a little baffled at being dragged up and away from his breakfast.

"Want to walk with us to Potions?" Alice asked as she came to stand next to Lily, directing the question mostly to her. Lily knew she wasn't very fond of the Marauders, save perhaps for Remus, who had tutored her for the Care of Magical Creatures O.W.L.'s a few years before.

"Sure", Lily agreed gratefully. She sat down her fork and got up.

"Oh, come on, Lils – it was just a joke!" James said, hurrying to get up.

"I know, James", Lily said coolly. "I'll go with Alice this time, so see you there."

And she hurried to leave with Alice and Frank. As they were exiting the Great Hall, Mary and Bunny got up and happened to reach the doors at the same time as they, resulting in an awkward coincidental meeting by the doors. Mary's long face soured immediately, and she gave Lily a dark sneer, which Lily mirrored, ignoring the little stab of guilt inside her. However, to her surprise, Bunny gave her a shy smile and moved her petite frame to give way to them.

"Hi, Lily", she said lightly as Lily passed her. "Horrible weather, isn't it?"

Lily was quite taken aback at the sudden, tentative peace offering. She glanced at the girl suspiciously, but Bunny smiled at her, her large blue eyes earnest. So Lily shrugged at her, threw a half-hearted smile towards the general direction of the two girls and hurried to follow Alice and Frank. She hoped she had seemed friendly enough, while still managing to radiate her disappointment at their gossiping behaviour.

"Everything all right with you and Mary?" Alice asked Lily tentatively as they made their way downstairs, breaking the slightly awkward silence, during which Lily absolutely felt like a third wheel. "I've noticed you're not talking to each other."

"We're not", Lily said, irritation creeping up again as she thought of Mary's words. _You're too self-absorbed to see anything beyond your own navel._ "They've been gossiping about me and James - Mary and Bunny, that is."

"Really?" Alice seemed a little surprised. "Doesn't seem like them."

"Hmph", Lily said.

"What _is_ going on with you and James, anyway? After that kiss... everyone's wondering about you two."

"Nothing", Lily blushed. "We just, hm, dated for a bit but nothing serious."

"That's not what I heard", Frank intervened, munching on the remaining piece of his toast he had brought with him. "James has been advertising that you're his girlfriend now – at least all the Gryffindor guys have heard of it. He's practically been gloating about it to anyone who'll listen. Grover was about ready to punch him Tuesday evening in the dorms. "

"He... he has?" Lily repeated, her heart sinking. Not that it was exactly surprising, but... s _hit._

"I've heard it too", Alice said. "And then Oriel said you two had, you know... been doing it in our dorms last weekend."

"We weren't!" Lily exclaimed, feeling herself flush from horror and shame. She found herself fervently wishing that particular rumour hadn't made it all the way to Slytherin dungeons. "He came there, yeah, but he didn't... we didn't - nothing happened! He was there for like two seconds - and who believes Oriel anyway! She's such a gossip!"

"She told everyone that she saw him get out of your bed and then snogged you when he left", Alice said. "And Clara said the same thing. I think they've spread it all around by now. Honestly, I'm amazed _you_ haven't heard until now."

Lily groaned. _Shit, shit, shit!_ If she broke up with James now, everyone'd think she was some floozy!

"I heard Samuel saw him grabbing your arse on his way out the door", Frank helpfully chimed in.

Lily wanted to cry as she scuffed behind Alice and Frank towards the Potions classroom and again tried to find Sev amongst the masses, almost certain he wouldn't be there. She was almost glad he wasn't there, not wanting to meet his certainly contemptuous glare. It had been one thing to kiss James in front of him, just to mess with him, perhaps to make him a little jealous, to show him that people of even purer blood than him didn't necessarily mind her blood status... but a whole other thing to suddenly become James's girlfriend. Did she just imagine it, or was everyone staring at them when James sat down next to her, on Sev's seat? And for Merlin's sake, why did he have to put his hand on her thigh again? She slapped his hand away and made a show out of setting up the fire under her cauldron, not sparing James another glance.

"Trouble in paradise, Potter? " Mulciber sneered as he and Avery passed them by, her gesture not having gone amiss. He eyed Lily with a bizarre, contemptuous glare, which made Lily feel extremely uncomfortable. "That's what happens when you mingle with bad blood, you know."

"Move along, you filthy fuck", Sirius hissed behind him before neither Lily nor James had had the time to react."Or I will mingle those pickled slugs with _your_ blood."

Mulciber turned to look at him, his expression that of indifference. "Ah, Sirius. My dear old friend. Heard your mother kicked you out last summer. About time, too."

"That old hag did not kick me out", Sirius barked. "I left. And speaking of last summer, I heard what _you_ did. You should be rotting away in Azkaban, you disgusting pig."

"Oh, well... obviously the committee didn't think along the same lines."Mulciber gave Sirius a cold half-smile before he and Avery shuffled to the back of the classroom. Sirius turned to throw one last disgusted look at him.

"Disgusting fucker", Sirius mumbled as he took the seat behind James and craned his neck between Lily and him. "Can't believe my mother made me play with him when we were children. Keeping a dead cat in a shoe box... He was such a creep, even back then. Always knew it, could see it in his eyes... You know, I made him swallow a jar of flobberworms once. He never came back after that. And good thing I did, too... last bit of justice he ever encountered. His family's so filthy rich and well connected, he gets away with anything."

"What did he do last summer? I mean, I heard he followed Mary to the bathroom on fifth grade and leered at her when she... well... you know. Was it something like that again?" Lily asked Sirius, remembering Mary crying on her bed in the dorms, all her witty sarcasm and dry humour gone, and again felt that stab of guilt and regret over them falling out. She quickly glanced at Mary, who was talking to Bunny and didn't notice. Sirius and James looked a little uncomfortable as they glanced at each other.

"It's nothing", James said and put his hand on her thigh again. "You don't want to hear it. Just stay away from him, all right?"

"Yeah, people aren't supposed to know – I only know because my brother was called in as a witness to the court... that was right before I moved out", Sirius said vaguely. "But Prongs is right, you don't want to know."

Before Lily had the opportunity to argue, Professor Slughorn merrily walked in to the dungeon.

"Ah!" He said, slapping his hands together and appearing to be absolutely ecstatic over seeing his class. "Here we are again! Don't bother setting up fires or cauldrons – you can turn those off, Lily, Bunny - N.E.W.T.'s are nearing, which means we're moving on to revising theory! Please open your textbooks and turn to page 16..."

The entire class groaned.

As the rustling of the pages filled the room, Lily heard James lean over and whisper something to Sirius; she tried to strain her ears but couldn't hear what they were saying. A smile, almost cruel, flashed on Sirius' face as he leaned towards James.

The class was one of the most boring of Lily's life. Slughorn, who usually tried to make his classes at least somewhat interesting, had resorted to all of Professor Binn's favourite techniques and had spent the entire class reciting the contents of the textbook in a monotonous voice, page by page, ingredient by ingredient, oblivious to the dull faces and snores of the students. Even Lily found herself slipping into some sort of a half-sleep, where black eyes leered through half-open doors and where slugs floated in jars full of red sticky liquid atop her bed in the dormitory. She twitched awake when Slughorn finished the class by loudly hinting at holding a pop quiz next time, beaming at the puffy-eyed students as though he expected applause and cheers.

"...And don't forget to bring your first year textbook for next class!"

"What?" James asked in a disgusted tone as he raised his head from the desk. " _First_ year textbook? Sir?"

"Why, of course – we have to start at the beginning, don't we? We're going to memorise all the important Potions learned during the years. Practice makes perfect, and you'll never know what they'll ask at N.E.W.T.'s..."

"You are joking, sir!"

The class had erupted into a buzz of loud objections and screeching noises as students turned around in their chairs to complain to their friends.

"I'd rather eat kneazle poo than sit through another one of these -"

"- 'M _emorise_ _all the important Potions' –_ what is this even _-_ "

"I used my first year book as tinder when we went camping, can I borrow -"

Slughorn concentrated on wiping the blackboard, by all appearences remaining oblivious to the uproar. Finally the students started leaving, still murmuring bitterly in their wake.

"No classes for the rest of the day... thank Merlin, I need a nap after this", Sirius muttered surly as he threw his book in his bag and eyed the door darkly. "Mary! Wait -!"

"Coming, Lils?" James asked Lily, ruffling his hair which had flattened during his own nap.

"Go ahead... I need to ask Slughorn something..." Lily said avoidantly.

"See you in the common rooms, then", James said and hurried after Sirius, who had just missed Mary and looked sour. "So, Sirius – when should we do it?" She heard him ask as they disappeared through the door.

"Uh... Professor?" Lily asked shyly. Slughorn turned towards her, frowning a little.

"Yes, what is it, Lily?"

"I just wanted to ask you... if... do you know where Severus is? Severus Snape? He's been missing his classes..."

Slughorn looked mildly surprised. "But my dear girl, certainly he's told you?"

"Uhh, no... I haven't seen him..."

"Ah, yes, probably working too hard, forgotten to tell... he's stopped attending classes, you see."

"Stopped attending classes?" Lily repeated, dumbfounded. She couldn't imagine a scenario where Sev, who was the most ambitious person she knew, would ever neglect his studies. He had barely taken a day off when his own mother had passed away the year before.

"Yes, he's studying independently for the rest of the semester, and won't be attending classes. Not just Potions, but any classes."

Lily was quiet, trying to absorb this piece of information, feeling a cold bang at the bottom of her stomach. The entire rest of the semester, without Sev... no Sev at Potions, no Sev at Arithmancy, no Sev in Dark Arts... she just couldn't imagine it. They hadn't willingly spoken to one another in class in a long time, but his presence had been like a magnet, impossible for her to ignore, always somewhere at the back of her head, soothing and a little exciting and _there._ His black eyes, _there_ , on her back, and her eyes on his back. She bit her lip and tried to stop the sudden moisture which threatened to gather into her eyes. She had always hoped that before they graduated he'd...

"Is everything all right?" Slughorn asked her, perhaps noticing her crestfallen look. Lily forced a smile on her face.

"Fine. Peachy", she said. "Thank you, Professor."

 _I'm fine. Peachy. I just want to be alone... I think._

She turned to leave, her palms clammy and her heart beating. She suddenly saw the rest of the Spring semester in her mind's eye: a long montage of wet snow and drafty dark corridors, eternal rain, hidden ice underneath the slush, sex jokes, gossip, Sev's empty seat, and the cold, the eternal cold, which pushed itself into her bones and made her shiver and her teeth clatter...

James was waiting for her in the common room, sitting with Sirius, who was absent-mindedly tapping at a pencil case with his wand. The pencil case kept changing colors at every tap. Remus was reading his Transfiguration textbook in the corner. A fifth year old had fallen asleep on a couch near him, an Ancient Runes textbook against his chest. Otherwise the common room was empty, as most students were still on their afternoon classes. Sirius and James were talking about Greece; she didn't hear why. She didn't resist when James pulled her to his side by the fire.

"You're shaking, Lils", he protested and warmed up her hands. She was grateful, his hands were warm and he lifted her hand and kissed her wrist. Then he gave her a slight smile and a sheepish look.

"Well, I'm taking a nap", Sirius said and yawned, grabbing the bright pink pencil case off the table. "Wake me up for dinner, won't you?"

He got up and walked up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. Remus shut his textbook, got up and stretched himself with a groan.

"I think I'll follow his example", he said, giving Lily a smile and then following after Sirius. And so Lily was left alone with James, for the first time since his unexpected visit to her dormitory a week ago.

She didn't resist when his lips found hers.

""

The next week, the first news started coming in.

First obscure and rare, then daily and disturbing. More and more. Students murmuring over their coffees and pumpkin juices, the teachers with worried faces as they gathered together to read the paper. Dumbledore at supper, a frown on his face, staring into nothingness.

 **Whatever happened to Edna Armistead?**

 **February 25 attacks: terrorist group calling themselves the 'Death Eaters' blamed!**

 **Unforgivable Magic blamed for disturbing discovery at Rowena's Valley**

 **Experts warn: Dementors breeding at alarming rate**

 **Have you seen this girl?**

 **New attacks: Ministry pleads the public to remain calm**

The rain didn't stop. It was always raining; cold, wet drops of snow inside upturned collars, the windows of the common rooms covered in fog, the draft blowing through the castle and making flesh shiver. Sev's empty seat at class; at the Slytherin table. Lily was cold, always cold, nothing could warm her. Not even James; not even his lips against hers, not even his body against hers.


	9. Cruelty, for a good cause

Sorry it's taken me longer than usual to upload a chapter. It certainly hasn't been for a lack of writing or inspiration!

I actually decided this time to finish two chapters before posting to make sure I wouldn't miss any details. Then, after about 25 pages, I realised that the sequence of the key scenes was all messy and wrong, and had a lot of trouble re-arranging everything because I had to move scenes between chapters.

I solved the problem by completely re-writing both chapters, mostly by memory, and re-arranged the key scenes into a better order. So, all in all, I ended up writing nearly 50 pages! I'm still polishing the second chapter, but should be posting it pretty soon. And as I said, they are both quite long. Enjoy, and please leave a review!

""

 _I must be cruel only to be kind;  
Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind._

\- William Shakespeare

""

As February turned to March, the weather started to improve. It was still foggy and uncomfortably humid, but at least the constant rain had subsided and it was now possible to go out without having to fear getting buried under a cauldronful of freezing slush falling off the roof. The fog filtered out most of the sunlight, but light-depraved students nevertheless started crawling out of their beds and out on the yard, raising their winter-weary, pallid faces hopefully towards the sun and sniffing the air for the first, pine-y scented promise of an approaching Spring.

Despite the approaching lighter days, the atmosphere of Hogwarts had seemed to permanently shift for the worse. The news and rumours going around the school made everyone nervous; students were suspicious of one another, gossiping was rampant, and the segregation between Houses was growing. After newspapers had publicly confirmed the ongoing rumours about most of the recent attacks targeting Muggleborns, the atmosphere had become even more paranoid. Some Purebloods, especially those from Slytherin, pranced around the school like only the sky was the limit, but a lot of Muggleborns had started avoiding walking alone even within the school. The news leaking from the outside strengthened pre-existing tensions, and there was an uncomfortable, foreboding ambience buried underneath all the daily routines, gossip and moaning about exams. Even Lily felt a little uncomfortable on those rare instances she was walking to the Gryffindor tower alone after visiting the Library or after the late Runes class on Wednesday, which none of the Marauders took. All in all, Lily almost longed for graduation, just to get out of the school which had become only a shadow of its former cozy glory. Without Sev, Mary and Bunny, the castle felt like a stranger to her.

There were other kinds of stress too: the exams were nearing, and students had finally seemed to wake up to the fact that the end of term was becoming uncomfortably close. Everywhere Lily looked, there seemed to be some glassy-eyed student reading for their O.W.L.'s or N.E.W.T.'s. They gathered in the common room, in the Library, in private study circles in empty classrooms. Lily couldn't help but to wonder how come she'd never noticed the amount of students reading for the exams before; surely there had to have been as many students last year as there was this year? Scuffles over the best common room seats had become routine, and as Head Girl and Head Boy, Lily and James had had to break up several rows during the last week.

Quidditch season was also getting closer, meaning that James was spending more and more time out on the muddy Quidditch stadium as he desperately tried to "make his mark as a captain before graduation", and while he had invited Lily to come and watch the practice more than once, she had rejected the offer as the mere idea of having to sit outside in the miserable March drizzle made her shudder. The absence of James from the common room left Lily with a lot of time to think, and it became harder and harder for her to lull herself into the thoughtless contentment his presence usually provided. So she masochistically wallowed in her thoughts when she was alone, thinking about Sev, about home, about her parents, about Petunia, about graduation, about every single thing that had gone wrong in her life. She wondered how she had somehow ended up with James, and why she continued to be with him, even though she had a hard time imagining any sort of a plausible future together with him. In fact, Lily was frustrated with herself for being unable to just leave him – the words were always at the tip of her tongue, waiting to roll out, but she always chickened out before they slipped out. They hadn't yet properly slept together, and Lily had the vague notion of breaking up with him before things got that out of hand – but that was somewhere far in the future, still. Although James's hands and kisses had lately become more and more demanding, and it was becoming harder and harder to not let things take their natural course. And it wasn't like it was such a big deal anyway, right? Lily had slept with Grover Vass last year. It had been clumsy, a little awkward, and sort of painful too; but certainly not that big of a deal.

Lily _did_ think James was sweet, and he certainly made an effort to keep her happy in every possible way: flowers, boxes of chocolates and other little gifts made their way to the foot of her bed on a regular basis. Lily admitted there had to be something very wrong with her for not being head over heels for James: he was essentially behaving like the perfect gentleman, and was an overall great catch. Other Gryffindor girls certainly seemed to agree with her assessment (many of them still made it clear they thought it was unforgivable that Lily had snatched James for herself, casting dirty looks at her from the common room shadows).

To Lily it seemed like there was always some intangible, invisible layer of soft, mindless fluff between James and her. Lily had noticed they never actually _talked_ , and she felt like his inner self largely remained unapproachable to her despite them sharing so much time together. James was one of those group-souled people who prefer to keep a crowd of people around at all times, and while it made dating him rather effortless and easy _(don't think, don't feel, just chill)_ , Lily realized that their lack of time alone meant it would be next to impossible to bond with him on any meaningful level. Sometimes she wondered why James even wanted to date her; he seemed perfectly content to share her company with all of his friends, and apart from snogging her when they were alone, she didn't feel like he ever tried to forge a private relationship with her.

She found herself remembering Sev's quiet intensity more and more, only now realizing how different he truly was from other boys; he had been the first boy she ever knew, and had thus come to symbolize _every_ boy, especially every wizard boy, in her mind. He had always been interested in what she had to say, attentive, insightful, perceptive, tuned in to her moods, needs and whims. Lily had grown up to assume that was something all boys were capable of. But now that she hung around the Marauders and was subjected to their ceaseless jokes and chatter and bragging, she had to admit that it seemed like Sev's attentiveness and natural privacy were hard to come by. The thought bothered her.

And what bothered her even more was that ever since Slughorn's party, Sev had started slipping into Lily's thoughts at very inappropriate times, such as when she was lying on her bed and her hands wandered on her own skin, or when James was kissing her neck and all she could see was black hair. In other words: at times when Sev absolutely had no business being on her mind. Ever since Slughorn's party, Lily had also started to see dreams of him, and they were so vivid and lustful that she deeply wished to forget them in the mornings when she woke up with clammy skin and wet knickers. Lily had admitted to herself a long time ago that a part of her had always found him oddly attractive, but she had chosen not to dwell on her shameful thoughts further than that, and for years had actively resisted the very same impulses to which she had so eagerly submitted to at Slughorn's party. _And with good reason,_ she thought. _Look what happened._

Sometimes Lily had thought Sev fancied her a little too, back when they had still been friends. But every time she had tried to scrutinize his behavior, she had found it impossible to read him, and because of the lack of any physical initiatives on his side, had finally figured she was just imagining things. After all, he had never made an initiative, and Lily had long ago learned that boys always made an initiative if they were interested. If they didn't, they weren't. It was as simple as that.

And then, at the beginning of fifth grade, it had become clear she wasn't the type Sev could ever fancy. It had started innocently enough: him suggesting they meet at the 6th floor hideout instead of at the Front Hall or straight after class; him pretending he didn't notice her waving at him in the Great Hall, him making up excuses why they couldn't study together in the Library… Lily had held on to him like a fool, hurt and offended, wondering if she had done something to make him mad. And then… the moment when she had finally understood.

Slytherin had lost to Gryffindor at Quidditch, and Lily had teasingly winked at Sev as she passed him by the front doors, for once ignoring his ghastly Slytherin dorm mates who always hung around him like a group of overgrown, moody bats. Mulciber and Rosier, who had been right next to Sev, had very loudly and bitterly called her a filthy Mudblood slut.

Sev had turned his eyes away, not saying anything, not even when Lily's voice had cracked as she told the boys to go fuck themselves.

She hadn't cried because of the insult. She had cried because she had finally understood that it hadn't been just some mistake that Sev had been sorted into Slytherin. And she also cried because she had, for the first time, realized that Sev was ashamed by their friendship; ashamed to be friends with a _filthy Mudblood slut_ like her _._

Lily hadn't spoken to him in a week after that, and had kept to the Gryffindor common room where she could lick her wounds in solitude. He had later sent her letters and apologised profusely, begging her to not be mad at him. She had cried, and missed him, and wanted to believe him when he said he hadn't quite heard what Mulciber had said over the noise of the crowd. She had missed him some more, and had finally agreed to meet him. Seeing Sev's anxiety-riddled face as he stammered his apologies had made her anger subside and so she had hugged him, and he had promised to never hurt her again.

She had forgiven him. But she hadn't forgotten, and when that word had slipped out of Sev's own mouth, she had known what heartbreak felt like.

""

Lily was no longer certain if Severus even still was at Hogwarts. She had spent a couple of weeks peering eagerly into the Slytherin table, hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but his conspicuous absence led her to wonder if he'd left the castle entirely; only Mulciber, Avery and Rosier sat at his usual spot, and they often glared at her bizarrely, as though knowing who she was searching for. She had to admit that Slughorn had never specified Sev would continue his 'independent studies' in the castle; he could be back at Spinner's End for all she knew. However, despite the evidence pointing to his absence, she had a hard time believing a scenario where Sev would willingly choose to stay in Spinner's End over Hogwarts. Nevertheless, it had started to seem depressingly likely she wouldn't catch a glimpse of him until the N.E.W.T.'s at the end of May; or, if she was lucky, at the Dark Arts practice lesson the next week. Which led her to hash up a plan to go to Slytherin Dungeons one more time, to see him, to maybe even talk to him… she was determined to speak to him one last time before graduation, even if for no other reason than to have a satisfying final row with him.

The problem was getting in to the Slytherin Dungeons. Last time, on that fateful Valentine's Day evening, she had simply stamped in to the dungeons alongside a couple of Slytherin second year students who hadn't complained about her tagging along at the flash of her Head Girl badge, perhaps thinking she was there on some official business; a misconception which they had certainly abandoned soon enough when Lily had started blasting her way through Mulciber, Avery and Rosier and towards the boys' dormitory. She didn't particularly wish to repeat the course of that night, and thus, the only way to get in was to somehow manage to sneak into the common room without anyone seeing her, find Sev, and make him talk with her.

Lily had also yet again considered writing him a letter. She started a few, but each of them ended up crumpled at the bottom of her bin. The letters all had started off rather maturely, asking him how he was and expressing the wish to speak with him in a polite yet convincing manner; but by the end were full of angry outbursts and demands that he tell her if he was dating Generia Fern or not. And the idea that he might not even answer at all ate at her; that would mean he really didn't want to contact her, thus rendering all her future attempts to contact him pathetic and probably just as useless. Lily finally settled on the notion that the only surefire way to get him to talk with her was to see him in person. She still wasn't entirely sure what she wanted to say to him, just that she needed to say _something_. The puzzle of getting into the Slytherin dungeons unnoticed kept nagging at her, although buried under the homework load and daily routines which took up most of her time.

One evening , Lily was up late studying with the Marauders. Along with the rest of the Gryffindor tower, it seemed. It was hard to concentrate: It was crowded and noisy in the common room, and Lily had over 250 pages of Ancient Runes to finish by the next day. James and Sirius acted hyper-actively and even more restlessly than usual, laughing raucously and throwing around inside jokes which Lily couldn't be bothered to decipher; nor could Remus by the way he kept rolling his eyes. Peter was watching at James and Sirius a little sulkily over his Muggle Studies textbook. It was clear he wanted to be part of whatever it was the two boys were up to.

When James and Sirius finally settled down behind their Defence against the Dark Arts textbooks, two fifth-year boys near them started to noisily wrestle over a solidary seat at a good spot behind a large ornamental yucca tree. Finally James flared up so badly at their loud bickering that he took 30 points off each, making Gryffindors lag behind in the House Points. Apparently his tolerance of loud sounds was considerably lower when he himself wasn't the one causing them.

"Oh, shut up!" He shouted at the surrounding complaining crowd, his glasses askew and cheeks pink. "Shut up and get out of my sight, or I'll take 10 points off each of you, too!"

"You're the worst Head Boy ever!" some fifth year boy shouted at him, but then quickly grabbed his books and disappeared into his dormitory before James had the time to carry out his threat.

"I hate children", James said with disdain as he plopped back down on the sofa. "Please kill me if I ever have any."

"Sure, mate. I reckon a Quiddich accident wouldn't be too hard to stage..."

"Ahh, loyalty! The most important of Gryffindor values! I think 60 points for Mr. Black are in order..."

Lily rolled her eyes at Remus. She had noticed James used his Head Boy privileges in a rather dubious way, which Professor Dumbledore probably hadn't had in mind when he had given him the badge. Lily couldn't understand why James had ever gotten the badge anyhow: he hadn't even been a Prefect, and during the last seven years had actively forced a career in mischief and rulebreaking.

"You've trained her well, Prongs. She's no longer even complaining about your shameless rulebreaking", Sirius said a little scornfully.

"All right, Lils?" James asked her and his hazel-eyed face appeared between Lily's eyes and the book she was holding.

"Quite, thanks", Lily said. James gave her a hard-mouthed snog and then got up.

"Well! Time for bed, I think. Anyone else?"

"Oh, Prongs, I thought you'd never ask..." Sirius joked and got up too. "I'm rather tired too." And he yawned dramatically and grinned at James.

Lily was one of the last people in the common room, after Remus and Peter excused themselves. One by one, the students started disappearing, rubbing their eyes and yawning as they went. Lily wished she could go to sleep too, and struggled to stay awake by the crackling fire which warmed her up pleasantly. She was determined to finish the textbook, but the wind outside the large windows lulled her to sleep and her thoughts kept drifting from Ancient Runes to Sev, to the feel of him underneath her... Lily occasionally caught herself twitching awake when a door to the dormitories was opened or closed. Eventually she slipped into a deep sleep, undisturbed even by the portrait hole silently opening and closing...

Lily jerked awake much later when the portrait hole violently flung open and the Fat Lady irritably shrieked something about disturbing her sleep. Lily threw the Arithmancy book off her chest and sat up, frantically peering around herself at the seemingly empty common room. She heard the sounds of approaching heavy footsteps, a pained moan, and then suddenly, James Potter and Sirius Black appeared in front of her seemingly out of nowhere. Lily gasped.

"James! What –!"

James stared at Lily, his face white and frighened. He appeared to have burn marks at the side of his face. He was supporting Sirius, who was pale and looked half unconscious. He was covered in blood: there was an enormous gash from the side of his neck, which continued downwards towards his chest. His robes were torn over the gashes and wet from the blood which was still fountaining over his robes, and over James's shaking hand.

"Help", James gasped.

Without stopping to think, Lily jumped up from the sofa and ran into her dorms. It was dark inside the dormitory, and it took her a while to frantically dig through her trunk, until finally her hand met the flask full of Dittany oil she was searching for. She grabbed it and ran back to the common room.

James had helped Sirius down on the sofa where Lily had been sleeping on just a few moments before. He had unbuttoned the torn front of Sirius's robes, and stood staring at the nasty wounds which tainted his robes and pale skin in red, swaying on his heels and looking utterly in shock. Lily sprinted at their side and opened the cork of the flask, then started pouring the oil over Sirius's wounds, hoping there was enough oil to cover all of them. They wounds sizzled and the bleeding stopped, but they didn't heal properly; no scar tissue appeared, and the wounds remained looking horribly deep and painful.

"We need to get him to the Hospital Wing", Lily whispered.

James shook his head, his mouth a straight line.

"We can't. Not tonight. We... listen, Lily", he turned towards her and grasped her hand. " In just a few moments, McGonagall is coming here. I need you to do something, Lily, please – I need you to tell McGonagall that Sirius went to bed early, and that I've been studying here with you all evening, and only just went to bed."

"But -"

"Please, Lily. Just... If you don't, we'll get expelled. Or worse. I'll explain later, ok? Just please. _Please_ , for me?"

James stared at her, his face devoid of color and all his usual cheerfulness gone. Riddled with doubt, Lily finally nodded. James seemed to relax and gave her a brief smile. Then he grabbed the flask of Dittany Lily was holding and sloppily applied some over the burn marks on his cheek, which healed swiftly. Then he pushed the flask into his pocket and shook Sirius roughly.

"Sirius. You need to go change. Right now."

Sirius opened his eyes and made a grimace. "Burning... it feels... burning..."

"I know, mate. But you've got to. _Right_ now."

"Help me up", Sirius muttered, and James supported him as he gingerly got up. James threw one last pleading look at Lily, then helped Sirius to the dormitory. Lily slumped down on the sofa, realising she was shaking and filled with bad foreboding.

Only a couple of minutes later, the portrait hole swung open again, and the tall form of McGonagall stepped through. She was clad in a checkered morning robe, and her hair was messy, but her unusually slack appearance did nothing to diminish the anger she was radiating. To Lily's surprise, another person also climbed through behind her. Professor Slughorn appeared, wearing a nightcap and a crimson-coloured morning robe. He looked tired and unusually serious.

"Lily, my dear girl... how fortunate that you should be awake, would you care to tell us if -"

"Have you seen Potter and Black?" McGonagall snapped at Lily, cutting through Slughorn's sluggish politeness.

"Uh... SiriuswenttobedearlyandJameswasherestudyingwithmeandonlyjustwenttobed", Lily spouted out the lie, feeling her ears turn hot. McGonagall looked at Lily very strictly, and after a few seconds, Lily turned her gaze towards the Arithmancy book at her feet, feeling extremely uncomfortable. She felt McGonagall's eyes piercing her and tied very hard to not look as guilty as she felt. She spotted a small stain of blood on the carpet next to her foot.

"We'll see about that", McGonagall said and walked straight to the boys' dormitories, pulling the door open and striding in. Lily held her breath and inconspicuously placed her foot on top of the blood stain. Her heart was beating very hard in her chest. What on earth had James and Sirius done?

"Potter. Black. Downstairs. Now", she heard McGonagall order. Then she re-appeared to the common room. Soon James and Sirius appeared behind her. Both looked paler than usual, and Sirius rather sickly, but Lily thought he managed to walk rather admirably, all things considered. They had both changed into black morning robes: Sirius was wearing a pajama under it, buttoned up all the way to his neck, and he had lifted the collar up so the side of his neck where the wound was remained covered.

"Sit", McGonagall ordered and pointed at the sofa where Lily was sitting. Sirius and James slumped down on both sides of Lily. With a startle, Lily realised she was now a part of this inquisition, whatever it was for. Her bad forebodings strengthened.

"Evans here claims that you two have not left your beds tonight", McGonagall said and glared. "I would like to ask you to release her from the need to lie on your behalf. I think it's very clear to every one of us that you two have not seen your beds tonight."

"What do you mean, Professor? We clearly were in our beds when you showed up, you saw us..."

"I was tired and went to bed at nine... It's the N.E.W.T.'s, you know, really tire you out..."

McGonagall raised her hand to silence the boys, who quickly snapped their mouths shut. Then she turned her eyes towards Lily again.

"Lily. Are you absolutely certain you were being honest just now?" McGonagall's voice was a little kinder now; she was clearly trying to coax a confession out of her. Lily felt her ears prickle again. James twitched next to her.

"Yes, Professor", she mumbled.

"That's not the story we have heard", McGonagall said, and her voice turned snappy again as she stared Lily straight in the eyes. Lily thought she looked rather like a hawk about to snatch a mouse. "The story _we_ heard is that tonight Mr. Black and Mr. Potter broke into the Slytherin Dungeons, and then proceeded to sneak into one of the boys' dormitories... And we have also heard that they used the Cruciatus curse on a Slytherin boy by the name of Morland Mulciber."

Lily's mouth was hanging open. McGonagall stared at all three of them in turn, her mouth a straight, unforgiving line.

"And why would we do that, Professor?" Sirius asked hoarsely from Lily's right.

"We didn't go near the Dungeons, we've been here all night long... ask the Fat Lady, she'll tell you she hasn't let us in or out tonight..." James said.

"My boys wouldn't lie about something like this!" Slughorn said passionately. "I have heard the testimonies of Morland's dorm mates! They all swear the same thing. They woke up to Morland screaming - Evan Rosier ran into something invisible as he rushed over to him, and for a moment all the boys saw you two standing there, Potter holding a wand at poor Morland! According to the testimonies, you only left when Severus Snape sent a curse at you, incapacitating Black! But not before trying to Crucio Severus, too! He was lucky he managed to dodge the spell!"

"This is an extraordinarily serious offence!" McGonagall snapped, her nostrils flaring. "To use an Unforgivable curse! There will be very serious consequences, mark my words! You are of age! You should know what happens to wizards of age who use Unforgivable curses on another living being! Not only was this a gigantic error in judgement on your part, but it will also reflect very poorly upon Hogwarts for years to come!"

"Where is your proof?" James snapped back at her, all his usual politeness gone. "Lily swears we were here, what more proof do you want that we didn't do anything? I am Head Boy – what possible reason do you have to believe I would do something like what you accuse me of, Professor?"

"It is well in our knowledge that you two hold a grudge against certain students of mine", Slughorn said, his chubby cheeks trembling. "I have been very patient with the constant bickering and fighting. Boys will be boys, after all... but this is no mere schoolboy scuffle! The curse you used is illegal and warrants a lifetime sentence in Azkaban! "

"If you are aware of the hostility between us and your dear Slytherins, Professor, you'll also be aware that they are by no means reliable witnesses! Sniv- _Severus_ Snape would lie about anything to get us into trouble! Probably cursed Morland himself, the greasy git, to get us into trouble!" James argued hotly. "And he might have claimed to have incapacitated Sirius, but as you can clearly see, we are both up and well! How do you explain that, Professor?"

Professors McGonagall and Slughorn stared at the three of them. McGonagall's nostrils were flaring as though she was about to start blasting fire out of her nose any moment now. Slughorn was red in his face. Lily tried to shrink away from McGonagall's menacing stare, feeling awful. James and Sirius had played their cards rather well, but there was no doubt in her mind that the horrible accusations of the Professors were true. And she guessed the Professors thought along the same lines.

"Potter. Black. You will be called in to the Headmaster's office tomorrow", McGonagall finally said. "Together with Mr. Mulciber, Mr. Avery, Mr. Snape and Mr. Rosier. I promise you, we will find out the truth. And if it should come to light that you have been lying, I will personally see that both Black and Potter will be called in for trials at the Ministry. And as for you, Evans... you will be expelled."

And she stared at Lily as though Lily had personally disappointed her in the worst way possible.

With that, the Professors turned and scuffled out of the portrait hole. After the portrait hole swung shut, Sirius slumped against the backrest of the sofa and wiped his forehead theatrically, looking like he didn't take the Professor's threats seriously at all.

"Phew. Looked bad for a moment there", he croaked and absent-mindedly traced the wound under his pajamas, then winced. "I've got to go to the Hospital Wing tomorrow or the day after though... this wound feels horrible. "

Lily turned towards the pair.

"I can't believe you made me cover up something like this! Scratch that – I can't believe you _did_ something like this!"

James had the decency to look ashamed. Sirius just looked pleased with himself.

"I'm sorry I had to drag you into this, Lils", James said. "We thought we'd make it out of there unseen, but my cloak slipped off when Avery ran into us." He pulled a silvery something out of his pocket. "It's a cloak of invisibility. I swear, we didn't intend to be seen."

"That's not the point!" Lily hissed angrily, not giving a toss about the cloak. "Why the hell did you go there to begin with? And why in Merlin's name did you get it in your head to use _that_ curse?"

"Mulciber had it coming, trust me! The things he's done... he's disgusting, and evil, and he deserved to be punished!"

"What could he possibly have done to deserve being _tortured_?" Lily almost shouted, not able to believe her ears. She stared at James, trying to fit into her head that the same person had tortured someone... and tried to torture _Sev,_ too...

"He..."James hesitated, his eyes flitting between hers. Then he glanced at Sirius. "Do you remember when we told you he was in court last summer?"

Lily nodded and crossed her arms.

"He was aquitted because his family is really well connected in the Ministry, so everything was just hushed up after a right joke of a trial. But there's no question he did it... he later boasted about it to Sirius's brother Regulus, who was called in as witness. He lied to the jury, of course, but told at home what had actually happened."

"And what did Mulciber do, then?" Lily urged, irritated at the story's slow pace.

"Things that disgusting Slytherin creeps like him do", Sirius said darkly.

"To begin with, he used the Imperio", James started. "Well... that's not really even the worst thing. He, uh, used Imperio to lure some Muggle-born girl to some alley, and then... well... you know. "

Lily didn't; she waited, her eyebrows high. James seemed to take his time thinking of what to say. He glanced at Sirius again.

"You know... _Violated_ her. And then finished her off with the Killing curse", James finally said, sounding apologetic.

"Oh", Lily said simply, all words dying on her lips as she digested what James had told her. They were quiet for a while. James's eyes had darkened and he glanced at Sirius again. Lily felt disgusted and shocked, imagining the last gruesome moments of that poor Muggleborn girl, who, in Lily's mind's eye, looked very much like her. Could Mulciber really have done something like that? Something didn't make sense...

"Hang on. Mulciber _loathes_ Muggle-borns. He thinks we're nothing but filthy garbage. Why would he even want to...?"

"Because he's a disgusting animal who is looking to humiliate and exercise power over anyone he deems beneath himself", Sirius said hotly, his pale face twisting with anger. "After he graduates, he's just itching to join You-Know-Who - so he can do even more damage. We should have killed him tonight - probably would've saved a lot of lives that will one day be lost because of him! This was the least we could do to pay back for that girl's life. Even if we messed up a bit..."

Lily couldn't bring herself to understand what she was hearing. She'd always known Mulciber was a horrible creep, but it felt impossible to think that one of her fellow Hogwarts students could have done something of that scale. The horrible news on the papers were easier to accept when they happened somewhere far away, by some unknown hand and force... not by someone who'd arrived to Hogwarts on the same boats as her on their first year of school, when everyone had been just little children, excited about their wands and textbooks and the impressive castle they were heading to. The memories and implications of Mulciber's staring at the Great Hall suddenly seemed much more sinister, and Lily trembled in disgust.

"Don't worry about tomorrow" James said and took her hand in his, misinterpreting her reactions. "I'll handle things tomorrow. They've got nothing on us. Just a bunch of whiny Slytherins who are always trying to get us into trouble – they can't prosecute us based on their word. The Fat Lady didn't see us, and if Sirius stays out of the Hospital Wing for a couple of days, they can't connect his wounds to the curse that Snivellus threw our way. Nobody will be the wiser."

Then he pulled Lily up and started making way towards the dormitories. He kissed her at the bottom of the girls' staircase, bid her goodnight, and turned to disappear to his own dorms after Sirius. But Lily called after him, suddenly remembering something she had meant to ask him.

"James! Wait."

James turned towards her questioningly.

"Why'd you try to Crucio Sev, too?" Lily asked him.

"Sev... you mean Snivellus?" James shrugged indifferently. "He got in the way."

Then he turned and disappeared to his dorms.

Lily stood there for some moments and then walked up the stairs, feeling dazed and shocked. She couldn't wrap her mind around James and Sirius, both of whom hated the Dark Arts, using Unforgivables... and Crucio, at that! She could sort of understand using it on Mulciber, but Sev...

 _He got in the way._

Lily felt grateful they had missed him. She felt dull, unable to fathom they had tried to Crucio Sev. How could they? They weren't like that... Gryffindors weren't like that. An old memory suddenly resurfaced: Sev, years ago, suggesting darkly that Sirius had tried to kill him the weekend before. She hadn't really believed him... he had been so vague about the details. But now – she didn't know what to think.

And Sev... apparently he was still in the school, then, despite having managed to escape Lily's attention for weeks. As she thought of Sev, her anger flamed up again; it was somehow easier to direct her anger at Sev than at James. How _could_ he spend time with someone like Mulciber? Did Sev approve of what he'd done? Didn't he realise that it might've just as well been Lily in the dead girl's place? Or didn't he just care? Lily felt tears prickle her lids when she laid on her bed. She now knew she absolutely had to talk to Sev. She _had_ to find a way to sneak into the Slytherin common room, she thought, right before slipping into a restless sleep.

Early the next morning, Lily woke up to a weight of something on her ankle. As she opened her eyes, and stared dully at the enormous box of confectionary's chocolate resting on her leg, she knew two things. She knew how to get to the Slytherin Dungeons without being seen, and she knew without a doubt that her days as James Potter's girlfriend were numbered.


	10. Secrets revealed

Thanks for the reviews! :) I always get excited when I notice I've got a new one... *hint hint*. Unfortunately I'm unable to answer to users who have not permitted replies to their reviews, but thanks nevertheless!

""

 _People, I have discovered, are layers and layers of secrets. You believe you know them, that you understand them, but their motives are always hidden from you, buried in their own hearts._

""

-Veronica Roth

As James had predicted, he and Sirius got away with their attack without as much as a detention. They had woken up early the day after the attack, and spent the morning exchanging James's wand between them and floating quills and pillows, summoning their textbooks and practising transfiguration charms; the purpose of this enthusiastic spell-casting was to erase all traces of the Crucio from James's wand, in case the teachers checked what spells the wand had last created. In fact, James mused, it had been very lucky that McGonagall hadn't thought to do it last night, as neither of them had come to even think about the magical trace until the morning.

Neither seemed particularly surprised to be absolved of all blame; they had climbed into the common room positively beaming after returning from Dumbledore's office (at least James had; Sirius was still unwell and just gave a short smile before slumping down on the sofa). Since nobody had seen them leave the Gryffindor common room, or go into the Slytherin common room for that matter, and because Lily, Peter and Remus witnessed they had gone to bed early, the Headmaster had thought it unlikely they had ever been there. Undoubtedly his doubt was partly influenced by the nature of the curse, as James thought he had seemed inclined to believe that if the curse in question had indeed been Crucio and not some other spell, it had most likely been cast by one of the Slytherins themselves. In essence, the bad reputation of the Slytherin House, as well as of the dorms' tenants themselves, had seemed to influence his decision very heavily. And so the only consequence of their nightly visit to the Slytherin common rooms was a note which appeared on the House notification board, announcing that anyone who was henceforth discovered trespassing inside the wrong House would be severely punished.

While Sirius and James celebrated, Lily felt dull and detached. While she was naturally relieved to hear James and Sirius weren't going to Azkaban and that she herself wouldn't be expelled (even though she later realised that McGonagall likely hadn't truly intended to act upon her threats), she found herself oddly disappointed in the Headmaster, as well as in James and Sirius. James kept on sincerely apologising for involving Lily in the attack, but he didn't take any responsibility for the attack itself, seemingly treating it as just another brilliant prank. In fact, he had later almost boasted to Remus and Peter how dumbfounded and flabbergasted the Slytherins had looked (the former had rolled his eyes and the latter had made admiring little gasps in all the right parts of the story).

Never before would it have been easier to break up with James, but Lily's plan to get into the Slytherin dungeons unnoticed largely depended on James and therefore she kept her mouth shut. Her plan involved getting her hands on James's invisibility cloak.

From Hogwarts: a History, Lily had long ago learned that there were only two ways of getting into the common rooms: being a resident of said House, or else being escorted there by someone who was. No Disillusionment charm or other means of concealment could fool the revealing spells which guarded the entrances to each common room (or at least history books didn't see fit to advertise any known methods of breaking in). However, puzzlingly enough, it seemed like James's cloak had somehow managed to fool the guard systems since he had made it all the way to the dorms, although Lily couldn't imagine how. Perhaps invisibility cloaks somehow could – she wasn't an expert on the subject of old invisibility cloaks, and she'd never heard of anyone other than James who owned one.

On Thursday, Sirius finally went to the Hospital Wing. Since he narrated the Quidditch match, it was imperative he was back on his feet before Saturday; he had caught a bad fever as it appeared that his cursed wounds were unable to heal on their own, having instead turned swollen and infected. He had made up a rather weak story about a failed attempt at creating a N.E.W.T.'s -worthy version of a Stinging Jinx for madam Pomfrey. James and Lily accompanied him to the Hospital Wing to make him feel better, as Sirius had taken offence to Mary's reluctance to "take care of him", as he put it; but were soon frightened away by madam Pomfrey, who had almost started shrieking from horror at the sight of Sirius's untreated injuries.

"Why in Merlin's name did you wait before coming here? These are infected, you foolish boy! A simple potion would have sufficed, but now we'll have to use a hook and a spoon to scoop out the pus -"

At this, both James and Lily had made a face and quickly dissolved away, leaving Sirius sitting by the side of the hospital bed looking utterly disgusted.

So Lily decided to wait until Saturday, when Gryffindor was playing Quidditch against Ravenclaw, to make her trip to the Slytherin common room. She felt that the game was the best time to do it, because it meant the common rooms were emptier than usual (she didn't fancy the idea of running into Mulciber in the Slytherin common room), James would be out of the way, and Sev would most likely be in the dorms, as he didn't usually bother with Quidditch games unless Slytherin was playing, preferring not to waste valuable time he could've spent studying on something so trivial (" _It's unavoidable to eventually hear who won, anyway",_ he'd always said). So on Friday evening, Lily inconspicuously asked James if she could borrow the cloak for the weekend, making it seem like she was purely interested in studying its exceptional magical qualities. Luckily James didn't seem suspicious, just glad she was paying attention to him (she'd been acting somewhat coldly towards him after the attack) and just seemed flattered by her interest. He handed the cloak to her with grandiose gestures.

"It's been in my family for generations and generations", he said proudly as he came to wrap his arms around Lily's waist, while she examined the fabric's silvery sheen in the fireplace's glow and tried to assume an applicable look of admiration on her face. "So long, that nobody really remembers who was the original owner. It's so old, my father jokes it's the cloak from the Tales of Beetle the Bard."

Lily chuckled non-committally, without having a clue what tales those would be. Bless his pride anyhow, Lily thought as she slipped the cloak into her bag. The cloak certainly was impressive to her eye, but for all she knew, most old wizarding families could have something like that stashed up at the bottom of their dusty cupboards. She didn't really have much points of reference, since she'd only been to Sev's house a couple of times, and it hadn't screamed wizardness as much as she had expected (he'd told her that his mother kept most of the magical stuff in a hidden room accessed through the sitting room because his dad couldn't stand it lying about). She'd also been to Mary's house one summer, but both her parents were Muggleborn and without the self-washing dishes and talking mirror, it could have almost passed for any Muggle house. They'd even had a telly in the sitting room.

James started kissing her neck, but Lily didn't catch on what he was after before his hand slipped to her thigh. Lily jumped a little, embarrassed as she glanced around herself at the students, who were lounging on the sofas and armchairs, most with books in hands or in the middle of a game of Wizard Chess.

"You know... I think the boys' dormitory is empty", James muttered into her ear. "If you'd like a tour..."

"Uh... you know, I'm actually a little tired", Lily said and turned towards him, flashing him a smile. "Better go to bed, huh? Big day tomorrow..."

"Oh. Yeah. It is. Important weekend", James admitted. He looked so crestfallen that Lily felt a sting of guilt and reached up to kiss him; he seemed to cheer up a bit.

"Okay, team! Time for bed!" James announced soon after. The rest of the team moaned, most still up to their eyeballs in notes. "Set your alarms at eight - let's do a quick fly around the stadium to test the wind resistance before the game. Everyone who complains they're tired tomorrow morning, will be force-fed dragon dung!"

More moaning ensued, but before long, the entire Quidditch team had slouched into their respective dorms. Lily was rather enjoying the quiet which followed their departure; somehow the Quidditch team managed to cause more noise than the rest of the House all put together. Must be because they're so popular, she thought. Lots of people to talk to.

That evening, she again fell asleep by the fireplace, and this time she slept uninterrupted throughout the night, seeing bizarre dreams. In her dream James insisted he wanted to have a baby with her; as she kept stammering objections to his outrageous suggestion, he suddenly pulled a crying baby that looked distinctively like Sirius from behind his back, flashing a manic grin as he told her he had given birth last night - then the dream morphed and she found herself alone in her dormitory with Sev, and everything was quiet, serene, wonderful; and Sev slowly wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck, and the world and gravity shifted as they fell onto her bed, or perhaps the bed fell into them, and he kept kissing her neck, her suddenly naked body, and lips, he kissed her lips hard and insistently...

Lily jerked awake at the very real and tangible feel of lips on hers. Groggy and only half-awake, she groped at whomever it was with her hands, trying to push him away.

"Good morning, my lovely girlfriend. It appears you really were tired last night – or maybe you just preferred the sofa to my bed", James said against her lips and didn't so much as flinch as she accidentally shoved his glasses askew. As her brain finally woke up, she saw he was already in his Quidditch robes and holding his broom. It was still early; the light filtering in from the windows was pale grey.

"Christ... you frightened me", Lily muttered as she hoisted herself up to lean against the backrest and rubbed her eyes.

"Who's Christ?" James asked, sounding a little jealous.

"Never mind... what time is it?"

It was only quarter to eight; Lily yawned and got up, longingly thinking of sneaking to her bed to sleep some more among the temptingly soft blankets and pillows... The game would start at ten, so there was still time...

"Have breakfast with me?" James asked her before she managed to disappear to her dorms. "Well... with me and the team, I mean. For good luck?"

He looked like an eager puppy, and Lily didn't have the heart to turn him down. She was feeling tremendously guilty for using him.

"Uh... all right then..."

"Let's go now, the rest of the team should be on the way soon... at least I hope so, because if McKinnon is late again, I will hex him..."

Together they made their way downstairs. Since it was a Saturday, the corridors were still empty and cold after the night. James kept enthusiastically chattering about the game, and didn't seem the slightest bit nervous or worried. He was confident in his team's abilities, and after glancing out of every window on the way, he had concluded that the weather was "not bad". All in all, he seemed to be in a jolly mood and particularly happy that Lily would be there to watch the game (Lily preferred to keep him under that impression), and kept pulling Lily towards him and giving her little kisses everywhere he could reach. Lily thought that if her hair wasn't messy after the night spent on the plush-covered sofa, it certainly was after James's attentions.

"Are you trying to make me look like a troll? Is that the way you prefer girls?" She couldn't help but laugh at him, as they entered the Great Hall and James kept tickling her and showering her head with kisses and she tried to push her messy hair out of her eyes. James laughed and said something, but Lily didn't hear him, because right there, sitting alone in the Slytherin table, was Severus Snape.

She stared. And he stared back; black eyes meeting green over the empty House tables and trays full of toast and oatmeal and black pudding.

Lily's heart stopped beating, and for that one second, she was horribly aware of her trollishly messy bedhead and what was most likely smudged mascara all over her face; and of James's hand around her waist, and his lips, which again kissed the side of her face as he laughingly said something into her ear. Her insides twisted uncomfortably. James was more hands-y than usual, probably making a show for Sev.

Then Sev turned his eyes back towards the gigantic book he was balancing against a jug of pumpkin juice, and James yanked Lily after him, plopping them both down to the Gryffindor table so that Lily's back was towards the Slytherin table. She sat there, stiffly, feeling the bizarre atmosphere of the Great Hall, her shock mingling in with whatever it was that Sev was feeling. She imagined his eyes on her back, and wished more than anything she would find the courage to turn to look. His face had been completely blank as he had looked at her. What did that mean? What was he thinking? He had been there, so close... if only James hadn't been there!

"... thought Snivellus had finally finished his metamorphosis into a vampire and no longer required food fit for human consumption... apparently I was wrong", Lily vaguely hard James sneer as he placed his broomstick on the table among the plates and cups, and started inspecting the twigs.

 _I'm a bloody Gryffindor... I_ must _and I_ will _turn to look at him,_ Lily willed herself, staring at the twig clippers in James's hand as he clipped away dried shrubs. Taking a deep breath, she turned her face fractionally, hoping to catch just a glimpse of where Sev was sitting, to see if he was looking her way. But she couldn't see him and had to turn her head even more.

The Slytherin table was empty.

James kept on chattering as Lily stared at the goblet and half-empty plate Sev had left behind. The sight of his half-finished toast was oddly moving; it was the only tangible proof he had been there and hadn't been just a fragment of Lily's imagination. _The last time I saw him, we kissed,_ Lily realised, and her heart beat a little faster at the memory. It seemed like such a long time ago now, like that moment had been just a part of her lust-fuelled dreams. But it hadn't been, it had been real – he had, for one moment at least, set aside their differences and wanted her... he had tried to hide it, but she had felt it.

 _I would like us to be friends again_ , his words from Valentine's Day's evening rang in her ears. Had he really meant it?

As the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and Sirius arrived and James started going over the game strategy with the yawning and groggy-eyed players, Lily found herself, for the first time, returning to the events of that night. Setting aside her emotions and only thinking of the facts, she remembered that in addition to telling her he wished they could be friends again, Sev had also said that he didn't care she was Muggleborn. Her heart beat faster as she thought of that. Was that again just one of Sev's lies? He had also said he didn't want any gossip about them... was it just him wishing they could be friends again, so he could continue to hide their friendship, continue to lie to his Slytherin friends, continue to be ashamed of her? She had a hard time trusting his word on that, since he had so often said one thing, done the other.

But there was something else, too... hadn't he said something about preferring her over his Slytherin friends? _I don't have to spend that much time with them..._ Lily deeply wished she could believe him. But she had wished the same so many times before, and he had always disappointed her in the end.

 _Today I will find out. I will ask him about everything,_ she thought, cheering up. _If all goes to plan, in only a couple of hours, I'll get to talk things over with him._

At a little past nine, James led the Quidditch team out after kissing Lily and telling her to wish him luck. She did, and he grinned, telling her how he'd always dreamed of her being there to watch him as his girlfriend... Lily felt guilty again, as she thought of the invisibility cloak in her pocket, and of breaking up with him, probably as early as the very next day.

After he'd left, Lily came to think that perhaps Sev was in the Library instead of in the dorms, and decided to go and check, just in case, before making way to the Slytherin dungeons. But the only person in the Library at that hour on a Saturday was madam Pince, who craned her vulture-like neck and cast a tremendously suspicious look at Lily from behind her desk. She quickly backed away.

Lily also peeked out on the yard to check that Sev wasn't outside, but because students had started to swarm out of the castle and towards the Quidditch field, she concluded it'd be impossible to notice him from the crowd. Fervently wishing he'd be in his common room, she decided to go and take a quick shower before sneaking towards the dungeons wearing the invisibility cloak. She'd been ashamed enough by her troll-hair to last through the day.

Lily tried to move as unnoticeably as possible among the crowd, nervous of running into Remus or Peter, to whom she'd have to make up excuses why she was going the wrong way. But luckily she managed to hide behind an armour when they passed, and make her way to the upper floors without being detected or questioned. She heard Sirius' narration from the Quidditch field as she made her way up the stairs of the Gryffindor tower, and felt herself relax.

As she entered Gryffindor common room, a nervous feeling wallowed in her stomach as she thought of what to say to Sev. While it had been oddly thrilling to see him at breakfast, she was also quite miffed that James had been with her; not only because it had prevented her from going over and talking with Sev, but because she suspected seeing her with James had set a bad precedent for their meeting. Without a doubt he considered her relationship with James a betrayal of the worst kind: she'd always sworn she loathed James, and her attitude had seemed to console Sev, who had always seemed convinced that the entire world was in love with James Potter and he alone saw him for what he was; an arrogant toerag. Deep in her thoughts, Lily pushed the girls' dormitory door open.

" _Oh my God_ , Lily! Get out -!"

Lily came to a standstill in the middle of stepping through the door, staring with her mouth open as she took in what she was seeing. Then she turned on her heels and rushed out, closing the door behind her and leaning against it. She felt her ears and cheeks redden. Then she heard steps from behind the door and it swung open again, almost making her fall in as Mary angrily peered out. She was pulling her robes over her bare shoulders, and her cheeks were bright red. Lily took a step back; Mary was quite a lot taller than she was, and looked ready to attack her.

"You – if you tell anyone what you saw -", Mary started hotly, the words slurring from anger and embarrassment. Bunny was trailing behind her, having wrapped a sheet around herself like a toga. Her hair was messy, and her cheeks were pink too.

"I... of course I won't -", Lily stammered, her cheeks turning redder by the moment. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to just barge in... I thought everyone was at the Quidditch match..."

"As did we", Mary said and glared. "But should've known _you'd_ be creeping around."

"Mary!" Bunny exclaimed just as Lily opened her mouth to angrily retort something back at Mary. "It's not like she came to watch on purpose..."

Mary sneered. She stared at Lily defiantly, daring her to say something, to judge her... for a moment Lily stared at her with equal defiance, but she felt the anger slipping away even as she tried to grasp at it... She finally understood, and realised she had no reason to be angry after all. Mary and Bunny hadn't been gossiping about her. They had just wanted to spend time alone.

"You could've told me", Lily finally huffed. "I thought... all this time, I thought you had been avoiding me and gossiping about me -"

"Of course you'd think so", Mary said scornfully, examining Lily with a sour look on her face. "As I said – _everything_ revolves around you, doesn't it? We have virtually no life outside _your_ life, right?"

"That's not what I..." Lily started, but even before finishing the sentence, she realised that Mary was right. She'd never even considered another explanation for those evenings when she'd discovered Mary and Bunny whispering to each other on Mary's bed... those nights when the curtains around the bed were shut and she'd thought they were inside gossiping about her..

"You think the whole world is out to get you!" Mary continued hotly. "You just make up your mind about something, and then you think that's the whole truth! You don't even bother to give people a chance to explain, you just make up your mind about everything the way you want to see it! Gossiping – as if we wouldn't have better things to do!"

Lily wanted to argue, but found no words. She averted her eyes and said nothing.

"Actually", Bunny started, flushing a cute shade of pink as she nervously twisted her sheet-toga with one hand. "I might have talked about you and James with Oriel one evening... I'm so sorry, Lily! I feel awful about it now – we were all just wondering what was going on! And she seemed to know!"

"As if Lily would tell _Oriel_ anything", Mary said, turning to Bunny and nudging her tenderly. Her angry face melted into that of tenderness. "She's such a gossip, you can't tell her anything." Then she turned back towards Lily, and the gentleness on her face melted back into a glare.

"But she always seems to be so well-informed -", Bunny continued, visibly embarrassed.

Suddenly Lily felt like hugging the two, realising only now how much she had missed her friends.

"It's okay, Bunny. I don't mind", she finally said, swallowing back unexpected tears. "And I promise I won't tell anyone about you two, either... not that people would mind, anyway, I don't think."

"Right, telling everyone – what a brilliant idea!" Mary said and sneered again. "Oriel would have a field day!"

Lily shrugged deflatedly. "Well, she had a field day with me and James, too. Don't see how it's any different, really."

They stood there for a while, the three of them, a little embarrassed and unsure what to say. Bunny took Mary's hand.

"So... Sirius is just...?" Lily finally asked, tentatively peeking at Mary.

"... Hard to break up with. And a convenient disguise – Bunny's father would probably kill us both if he found out", Mary finished Lily's sentence, shrugging defiantly and glaring at her, as though daring Lily to argue - but she was blushing a little, which diminished the effect. Lily didn't say anything; she whole-heartedly understood what Mary meant and couldn't bring herself to judge her.

"I'm sorry I've been such a _bitch_ ", Lily finally sighed; she hadn't meant to say it, but as the words slipped out of her mouth, she felt tremendous relief which surprised her. "I've just... my life's a mess lately, and... I guess I haven't been thinking straight..."

Another silence ensued; Lily kept her eyes in her shoes and felt terribly awkward; she didn't dare to look up at the two girls. "I should've asked you what was going on instead of making stupid assumptions..."

"Oh, Lily..." Bunny suddenly wrapped her arms tightly around Lily, and Lily reflexively hugged her back, not even minding the fact that Bunny's sheet almost slipped off of her. Mary didn't join the hug and instead pulled Bunny back against her and pulled the toga briskly back up.

"Of course you didn't ask. You like making assumptions way too much", Mary said as she hugged Bunny to her side and gave Lily a haughty glare. But there was something resembling amusement at the corner of her mouth. And right then Lily knew they would be fine. She laughed, relief and gratitude flooding her – and after a while Bunny chimed in – and even Mary eventually cracked a slight smile. And just like that, Lily felt like at least some pieces of her life click back into place.

The grandfather clock in the common room announcing that it was now half nine shook Lily from her happy bubble. Suddenly realising she was soon running out of time, she quickly bid Mary and Bunny bye, promising to talk more later, and after rushing to the bathroom to brush her teeth and hair, she practically ran downstairs. It would be a disaster if the Quidditch match would end before she had seen Sev, and she pricked up her ears for the narration. From what she could hear as she ran through the corridors, it seemed like Ravenclaw was leading a little; Sirius didn't sound happy as he narrated the course of the events. The game was still very much on. But still, it was hard to tell with Quidditch; the match could be over in a brief sparkle of the golden snitch.

As she arrived to the Slytherin common room's entrance, she quickly looked around herself and then pulled the invisibility cloak over her head. The world looked bizarre from through it; like staring through a glistening spiderweb. As she arrived to the wall, she whispered "Purge", expecting a door to appear into the wall, the way it had last time. But it didn't.

Oh, crap. They had changed the password! Somehow Lily hadn't come to think of that possibility at all.

"Uh... Slytherin? Pureblood! … Salazar? No? Oh, _come on_... snake! Serpent!"

Lily couldn't hear the sounds of the Quidditch narration all the way here; she kept glancing over her shoulder, afraid that at any moment now, a crowd of Slytherins would appear back from the stadium... she tried any Slytherin -related password she could think of, but the wall stubbornly remained made out of tile, and conspicuously lacked a door. She kicked the wall in desperation, but while her foot now hurt, the wall remained solid.

Then Lily head steps behind her and her heart sank. Oh, crap... was the game over already? Turning around, she saw Generia Fern appearing down the stairs, her hair in an enormous bun to which she had attached an uncharacteristically ungirly black fascinator, which made her look rather like a mourning widow. She wasn't wearing her usual blue eyeshadow either, but had instead embraced a more sombre look, her eyes made up heavily in black. She was holding books in her hand, and making way to the Slytherin entrance. She was alone. Lily felt almost happy to see her; a feeling she had never before felt in relation to Generia Fern.

"Parseltongue", Fern said. The wall at once transformed into a door, and Lily quietly sneaked in to the common room behind her, stopping in the doorway at the sight of Sev, who was sitting alone on a sofa near the fireplace, his nose buried in a book. He looked concentrated, and was absent-mindedly moving his wand in the air, probably learning the movement to some spell; his lips were moving soundlessly as his eyes traversed along the page. Lily's heart fluttered; she couldn't believe her luck! If Fern would just get into her dormitory, she could just walk up to him and -

"I found the books you wanted, Severus!" Fern said (her voice was still as high-pitched and girly as ever) and made her way towards Sev, who turned to look at her, stopping the movements he'd been practicing. "I had to ask madam Pince - ugh, she's such a horrible woman isn't she? Made me show how clean my nails were before handing them over - but anyhoo, I got them! There you go!" And she plopped down on the sofa next to Sev, tossing the pile of ancient looking books on the table in a carefree manner which would've made madam Pinch gasp.

And then, several things happened at precisely the same time.

Fern leaned towards Sev, and as Lily stared in shock, she puckered her lips, closed her kohl-rimmed eyes and kissed him right on his mouth, her hand cupping the side of his face; at the exact same time, Lily moved from the doorway to take a step inside, towards where Sev and Fern were sitting - and suddenly an ear-splitting screeching sound pierced the air.

At once, Sev pushed Fern away, sprang up and pointed his wand at where Lily stood, invisible under her cloak. The screeching sound continued, loud and awful. Fern was glancing around wildly into the general direction where Lily stood; she remained huddled behind the sofa's backrest, her mouth hanging open.

"Who's there?" Sev shouted in a commanding voice over the dreadful screeching noise, and pointed his wand at precisely the point where Lily was standing, as though he could somehow see her. "Reveal yourself!"

Without waiting for an answer, Sev flicked his wand and to her horror, Lily felt the cloak fly off of her, blown away by a gush of invisible wind. She managed to just catch it before it revealed all of her and flew into the now-closed wall behind her, but it was too late - Sev and Fern were staring at her, and she realised her face and shoulders were perfectly visible even though the rest of her remained invisible under the cloak.

"You!" Fern shrieked and scrambled up. "You're a Gryffindor! And Head Girl! It's you who's been sneaking here in the night – just you wait until Slughorn gets here -"

Lily stared at Sev, and he stared back at her over the sofa and through the greenish light of the Slytherin common room. His eyes were coal-black, his face pale, and for a brief second Lily realised she was almost frightened of him. She couldn't read what he was thinking or feeling, nor could she imagine what he saw upon her own face. He still hadn't lowered his wand.

"I... I just..." Lily started, but had no clue what she was about to say. She realised she was trembling. The horrible sound of the alarm drowned out her voice and she didn't even know if Sev could hear her - and Fern just kept on shrieking, ordering Sev to Stun her, and he was still pointing his wand at her, his hand unwavering -

"Get out", Sev whispered, and Lily could read it on his lips even though she could barely hear him. "Get out, right now. If you know what's good for you."

Lily clumsily stumbled backwards, hit her back against the wall which transformed into a door, and then she practically fell out of the common room, her eyes still locked with Sev's. His eyes burned through her until the wall started closing and he vanished from her sight. She barely had the time to hear Fern's shrieking cease as Sev Obliviated her, right before the door turned back into a wall, and the screeching sound vanished and she just remained there, clutching at the cloak of invisibility in her hands, and staring at the grey stones until tears clouded her vision.

When she started hearing the sounds of footsteps, she pulled the cloak on her and slumped up the stairs. She saw Slughorn, belly jiggling as he rushed towards the Slytherin common room to catch the intruder. Her entrance had clearly caused some sort of an alarm to activate; an alarm, which had probably been set up after the catastrophic visit of James and Sirius.

Students were avalanching through the front doors as Lily rushed into the hall - the match had ended. She pushed through the crowd, crying invisibly as she thought of Fern's lips on Sev, and her hand on his cheek. Nobody paid her invisible form any attention as she squeezed through the crowd.

When she finally climbed into the Gryffindor tower, she was met by the sounds of celebration; she wiped her eyes and pulled the cloak off of her as she made her way through the thick crowd, wanting desperately to get to her dormitory -

"Lils! There you are, I've been looking all over for you!"

James appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and grabbed her into a bone-crushing hug. He was radiating excitement, happiness, victory, and Lily felt like a miserable shell of a human being next to his exuberance. She clung on to him, wishing fervently for his happiness and carefreeness to rub off on her.

"Are you all right?" James asked her, whispering into her ear and hugging her even tighter. Sometimes he really was rather perceptive. Lily felt a sudden surge of affection for him. _Please make me forget everything, help me not to think,_ she thought.

And suddenly Lily knew exactly what she needed. She retreated from his arms, and then pulled James after her and made her way towards the boys' dormitory. He understood, and let her lead the way. They locked the door behind them, blocking out the sounds of celebration.

His hands were eager and clammy on her skin as he undressed her. He smelled of sweat, but not in a bad way, and he was warm against her as he himself undressed and directed her to lie on his bed. It was clumsy, and painful in a way that had nothing to do with physical pain, but afterwards Lily laid against James's shoulder and for a moment her emotions were in check, and she didn't have to think.

Nor did she need to know how she felt about the fact that quite possibly Sev was lying somewhere within the castle in very much the same way, together with Generia Fern.


	11. The duel

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm pleased to announce that I got a brand new laptop for an early Christmas present, and after taking a few days to set it up (gone be the awful Windows 8!) I'll now be able to write much more since I no longer have to tussle over the rights to use my boyfriend's table computer. Anyway, this chapter I was writing ended up waaaaaay too long, and I had to make it into two chapters. So as a Christmas present for you, I'll upload the second part tomorrow! :)

""

 _Study me as much as you like, you will not know me,_

 _for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me to be._

 _Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself,_

 _for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see."_

\- Rumi

""

"You have _got_ to be kidding me."

Mary stared at her incredulously. Lily felt very awkward under her gaze, as she sat with her legs huddled close to her chest on her bed. It was the evening after Lily had slept with James, and she had just finished telling Mary and Bunny about everything, having left out nothing except for Sev's part in the story, and the weird, unfathomable tangle of emotions she felt for him. As she looked at Mary's downturned lips, she was glad she'd left those out. Mary didn't look happy at all with what she'd told her.

"You don't think you've been acting a little, uh, rashly?" Bunny suggested shyly and pretended to be tremendously interested in a hole in her sock.

Lily shrugged tiredly. "I don't know what I'm doing", she said honestly.

Mary leaned against the headboard and looked at Lily contemplatively. "Why are you with James?" she finally asked in her usual tactless, direct manner.

Lily shifted uncomfortably. Mary and Bunny both stared at her and Lily fervently wished she didn't have to answer the question.

"He has like this effect... like I don't have to worry or think about anything", she finally managed, realising as she said it how silly it sounded. "I mean... when I'm with him, I can just shut down my brain. And I do – it's ridiculous, really. I mean, I've been with him for weeks, and I've never once remembered to even ask him what the hell he was thinking, drugging me with Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium! I just literally forget about it when I'm with him!"

"I suppose James Potter himself is so brainless that it's contagious", Mary said scornfully, and Lily's heart stung a little, because it was exactly the kind of a thing that Sev might say. For a moment the memory of Generia Fern's lips on Sev's flashed in her mind again; the image had seemed to sear itself into her brain.

"But why are you so eager to not think, then?" Bunny asked her. "I mean, excuse me for saying so, but – it seems to be like you're just looking for a way to shut off your brain. Sorry! And I know you said you want to break up with him... so what's holding you back?"

Lily picked at a loose thread on her blanket and didn't meet the girls' gazes. What indeed? She didn't like to contemplate upon her emotions, and felt very uncomfortable having to explain them to the girls. But then again, she had to admit she'd always had a hard time analysing herself and her emotions without the presence of someone who saw through her self-bullshitting and cut through all that with pure cold logic. A long time ago, that someone had been Sev, but for the past two years that he hadn't been there to push her in the right direction, she'd lulled herself to thoughtlessness, and consoled herself with the fact that a new day always came around eventually, so what did it really matter if she kept pushing things in the future? What did it really matter if she didn't really know why she reacted a certain way or why she felt the way she did – it's not like she was running out of time to contemplate on those things later, right?

Mary kept drumming her fingers against her thigh expectantly.

"I guess I just don't want to be alone", Lily finally admitted. "James is always so... _there._ It's _easy_ being with him – I don't need to do anything and the relationship just keeps on going, almost on it's own. I feel secure, because it's like... like he's always going to be there. He _never_ rejects me, and he gives me everything I want. Like he's simply made up his mind about being with me, and I can count on that, and I don't have to worry about him one day just... you know. Leaving me."

She glanced at the other two girls; Mary had crossed her arms and Bunny had an awful, pitying look on her face, which made Lily grimace.

"Why, isn't that _sweet_ ", Mary said and cocked an eyebrow as she examined Lily rather coldly. "Wouldn't those just make the perfect wedding vows for you - you know, for when you end up letting James Potter drag you up at the altar."

Lily flushed.

"You're one to talk, Mrs. Black", she retorted bitterly, raising her nose at Mary.

"Whatever", Mary said and yawned. "At least I haven't slept with Sirius."

"But Lily... you're so pretty, and really good at everything you do..." Bunny said in a much warmer tone. "I bet there's a lot of boys who could offer you exactly the kind of security that you're getting from James. And why are you so afraid of being left anyway – you dumped Grover, didn't you? And sorry to bring this up – but you also made the choice to not remain friends with Severus Snape way back when, didn't you? So why are you so afraid of being rejected or left?"

"Because... reasons", Lily muttered into her knees and plucked the loose thread off her blanket. She suddenly didn't want to talk about this any more. She got up from the bed and stretched. "I'm really tired. I'll go and get washed, and then go to bed."

"You've got to break it off with James", Mary said darkly as Lily made her way towards the bathroom. "You know it very well yourself, too."

Lily didn't answer her. But she had to admit Mary was right.

""

The conversation between Lily, Mary and Bunny pestered Lily relentlessly throughout the night, and she had trouble falling asleep. While Mary had an irritatingly valid point about the expiration date on the relationship between her and James, Bunny's words haunted her even worse. Lily had always thought she had a very good sense of self worth. She knew she was pretty, she knew she had enough charm and wits to be able to entice many a boy to become infatuated with her if she so chose to, and she had never been dumped in her life. So what was she afraid of, and where did it all come from?

It was ridiculous, really, she thought. She had nothing to be worried about. Even if she broke up with James, there would always be some new bloke coming along soon enough. Some new bloke who'd look at her just as besottedly as James, and who would be in love with her after a few dates, after a few tosses of her hair and some well-placed smiles and placements of her hand over his arm. But as she tossed and turned in her bed, in that lucid state between being awake and asleep, she admitted to herself that perhaps more than anything, she was afraid of being seen, truly _seen_ , and then abandoned. For a moment she wondered if it was because of Sev, because he'd been ashamed of her Muggle heritage... but there was something else too... she almost caught whatever it was... but then she slipped over the edge of awareness into sleep and her thoughts dissolved into dreams.

The following day at lunch, Lily dodged James and sat with Mary and Bunny in the Great Hall. It was Monday, so the Great Hall was full of buzzing students. The sky outside was a deep grey shade, making the Hall darker than usual; the floating candles were lit even though it was still early.

Alice and Frank had joined Lily, Mary and Bunny, both positively beaming. To answer Bunny's inquiries, Alice had finally showed them her ring finger, where a golden band gleamed in the light, and told them that Frank had popped the question after the Quidditch game on Saturday. The news were met with excitement, but also with poorly-masked confusion: although it had long been very clear to everybody that there was something between Alice and Frank, they had never actually officially dated – instead seemingly having leaped directly from friendship into engagement. In fact, when they had appeared in the Great Hall with their enormous grins, Lily had expected them to announce they had finally started dating – not that they were getting married!

"I know what you're thinking", Frank grinned. "But you know... we've known each other for seven years now. So I figured – why wait, you know? When it's right, you just know it."

And then he gave Alice such a loving, sheepish look that Lily felt like she might choke in the pumpkin juice she'd just taken a large gulp of to mask her confusion. She didn't know why the sight of Alice's ring made her almost tear up.

"I'm so happy for you", she croaked and tried to clear her throat from the pumpkin juice and the lump which had unexpectedly appeared there.

"Have you settled on a date yet?" Bunny asked.

Alice and Frank exchanged looks.

"Actually... we're getting married immediately after we graduate."

It was Lily and Mary's turn to exchange looks. It seemed a little hasty, even hastier than their unexpected engagement.

"You know... what with the times and all..." Alice said vaguely.

"Right..."

Suddenly the joyous atmosphere had changed, the smiles dying on everyone's lips as they concentrated on their pork chops. People didn't really talk openly about what was going on outside Hogwarts, but it was clear to everyone that when they graduated, they would enter the Wizarding World the way it had never been before. The news in the Daily Prophet had changed abruptly a week ago; the news of attacks towards Muggleborns had been replaced by light-hearted columns and news about the advances in the thickness of cauldron-bottoms. Around the same time, the back of the paper had become filled with announcements about open positions in the Ministry of Magic, each with the vague suggestion that "background checks will be carried out for all applicants." Nobody had to point out the obvious: the open positions had formerly been filled by Muggleborn employees, now sacked, and the background checks undoubtedly referred to the blood purity of the applicant.

For Muggleborns such as Lily, that meant that the fields where they could apply after graduation had become considerably fewer. It wasn't just the Ministry: also many private companies had started adding the same sentence about a background check to their job announcements. It seemed the private sector was beginning to choose sides, and while many maintained a neutral stance, others, especially old and prestigious companies, had chosen to go with the times and now strongly favoured pure-blood applicants. In fact, out of well-off, large enterprises, only Gringotts and St. Mungo's appeared to still remain neutral. Gringotts undoubtedly because the goblins didn't care one way or the other and because the Ministry didn't have any power over its finances; and st. Mungo 's probably because segregation went against their equalistic ideology.

Apparently Lily wasn't the only one whose thoughts had moved on to after-graduation career paths, because as Alice and Frank helped themselves to mashed potatoes and gravy, the conversation drifted into the subject.

"I'll apply to Gringotts", Mary said. "They have some very well-paying jobs on offer and they don't mind Muggle parentage either. Particularly if you don't mind travelling."

"Travelling?" Bunny asked and her face fell.

"What do you intend to do, Bunny? Lots more career opportunities for you... well, for all Purebloods..." Alice said, sounding a little apologetic.

"I don't know", Bunny said unenthusiastically and toyed with a piece of sausage on her plate. "My father just wants me to get married and become a housemaker... you know. Since it's _tradition_."

"You should just tell your father to stuff it", Mary said with disdain. "Your family does nothing but lounges around the mansion and rolls around in gold – you'd think that after generations of that, they'd get bored of doing nothing. I know _you_ would."

"I suppose", Bunny said non-committally.

"I'm going to work for my grandfather", Frank said. "He's in the imports business. And he doesn't mind hiring Muggleborns, in case anyone's interested."

"I'm applying to St. Mungo 's", Lily said. "I don't much care for banking or business. And they have this policy, where you have to work a couple of months as an intern before they properly hire you. That suits me – at least I can quit if I don't like it, then. And my O.W.L.'s are good enough, and hopefully N.E.W.T.'s will be, too."

At that, the conversation turned to the exams, and to the afternoon's Defence Against the Dark Art's practice class, where they were supposed to practice duelling. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Generia Fern step into the Great Hall. She was alone, but Lily couldn't help losing her appetite at the sight of her, and her eyes followed Fern as she made her way to the Slytherin table. She was again wearing black eye-makeup and had powdered her face unnaturally pale. Even her hair accessory was black. With a bang Lily realised that her change in appearance was probably due to Sev's influence; perhaps Fern thought she'd please him better by assuming such a dark look. Lily sadly had to admit that for all she knew, Sev might like it. She didn't really know what type of girls he found attractive, to be honest. And he certainly hadn't seemed to mind Fern pushing her mouth on his, Lily thought bitterly as she hurled her fork on her plate so hard that Mary gave her an odd look.

"Who are you duelling, Lily? Let me guess - James?" Alice asked. "I'll be duelling Frank – I just hope he doesn't break off the engagement when he loses..."

"Ha, ha..." Frank said sourly.

"Uh... I don't know about James... I think he's better suited to duel Sirius, to be honest", Lily said, thinking of their disastrous Potions team work. "Maybe I'll ask to be paired up with Remus."

After lunch ended and the tables cleared, they remained in the Great Hall, where the practice duel was supposed to be held. The Marauders appeared soon after lunch, and James's eyes lit up as he saw Lily. He hurried to her and gave her a proper snog, not caring in the slightest about Lily's friends, who awkwardly pretended not to notice by staring in opposing directions (with the exception of Mary, who shook her head in disdain).

"I've been looking for you", James said. "You left in such a hurry yesterday morning. I didn't even have the time to tell you about -"

"Silence, and go stand in line – Gryffindors and Slytherins separately!" Professor Wrench had arrived to the Great Hall, the rest of the students following in her wake. She was an extremely strict and humourless old witch, who had enormous, bulging eyes which constantly looked tortured, as though she'd seen enough to last her a lifetime. Upon her arrival, there had been rumours of her having been held captive for two years by some coven of foreign Dark wizards, whom she'd managed to finally escape by somehow killing them with her bare hands. Everyone fell silent at her order and sneaked into a line. Lily saw Mulciber among the students in line, his face as arrogant and expressionless as ever, and she shivered; she couldn't shake the extremely creepy vibes she was getting from him now that she knew what he had done. Remus passed Lily right then and obstructed her view of Mulciber, and she nudged him and gestured questioningly for them to pair up. Remus glanced at James, then shrugged in agreement and smiled, remaining next to her.

As Lily went to stand in line between Remus and James, her heart leaped as she suddenly saw Sev walking through the doors and into the Great Hall. Somehow she'd managed to completely forget the possibility he might be here, too!

Lily stared at him without daring to blink, afraid he'd disappear if she did, unsure if she wanted to run away or grab him by the collar and make him look at her; but he didn't look around himself, just quietly glided past the opposing lines of students and past Lily. Generia Fern craned her neck hopefully as he passed her, but he paid her no more attention than he paid to Lily – Lily's emotions were a war of longing, anger and hurt. James hissed on the other side of Lily as he passed, and Professor Wrench shot him a disapproving look which quickly silenced him. Sev settled to the end of the Slytherin line, his face passive. When Lily had stumbled upon him in the Slytherin common room, he hadn't had the time to properly appraise him, but now she noticed he looked even thinner and paler than usual. His high cheekbones were even more prominent, and he had dark shadows under his eyes. With a startle, Lily realised he had changed in some intangible way. He looked perfectly calm and collected; unlike she'd ever seen him before. Sev – no, _Severus_ , looked almost like a stranger to her. Lily's heart continued beating fast in her chest; she didn't know how to react to his presence at all. And she didn't know what to think about the fact that Fern looked almost equally confused as she felt herself; Fern kept making glances at Severus, but he ignored her completely.

"Duelling..." Professor Wrench started and Lily turned to look at her; she stood at the end of the two lines and stared at the students with her bulging eyes. "Some of you undoubtedly think duelling is just a fun hobby. And while indeed there exist duelling tournaments and other such follies, the art has long roots steeped in history full of blood, terror and death. The purpose of this class is not to teach you to prance around on a stage in a duellist's uniform – its purpose is to teach you to defend yourself - to save yourself from harm that might some day come your way. As I'm certain you know, there are things out there that might, and will, hurt you if you are careless. It would not do to let you graduate without arming you with the practical knowledge and skills to survive."

Everyone was quiet. The practice lesson was supposedly meant to give them an opportunity to safely practice for spells they might be required to demonstrate at N.E.W.T.'s, but the way Professor Wrench spoke, it seemed like she personally didn't give a toss about the examinations. She eyed each student in turn, remaining quiet for a long time as her gaze jumped from one student to the next.

"I wish to make this situation as authentic as possible", Professor Wrench continued calmly. "I want to lead you our of your comfort zones. That means that you will be paired, not with your friends, but with persons whose skills and combat style are previously unknown to you. _Silence._ "

The classes had erupted into worried murmurs, but quickly quieted down at the Professor's order.

"Now. You will be called in pairs. I will pair you up based on your House – Slytherins against Gryffindors – and according to your height. That's as much leeway as I'll give you - it helps with the aim. You will bow as you face your opponent. Unforgivable curses are naturally forbidden, but otherwise you can freely decide your strategy. The duel ends when one opponent is incapacitated."

The Professor put her hand inside her robes and pulled out a parchment, which she eyed with a slight frown. "I'll call out Gryffindors in alphabetical order, and then pair you with a suitable Slytherin partner. Abbott!"

Clara Abbott scrambled up, her eyes wild and frightened as she stood in the empty space between the opposing lines, already grasping her wand as though someone was about to jump at her. Lily pitied her even though her gossiping behaviour had often irritated her. Lily certainly wasn't looking forwards to duelling in front of all these people, especially now that she had to pair up with some Slytherin, and now that she had to perform in front of Severus... her hands felt cold and clammy, and she'd instinctively put her hand in her pocket where she'd curled her fingers around her wand. She nervously went through all the spells she could think of in her head, and guessed she wasn't the only one; she heard Remus mutter under his breath next to her.

"Abbott, you will be paired with Burke."

A boney Slytherin girl walked over to Clara and eyed her coldly. Clara took a step back, trying to put some distance between the two of them; they ended up standing about 13 feet from each other. A bright blue light flashed in front of Lily's eyes; the Professor had conjured a magical shield between the lines of students and the two girls. She glanced at Severus; he looked ghostly blue through the shield. Then the shield turned invisible.

"Once you bow, you may begin", the Professor said. Her voice sounded muffled through the now-invisible magical shield as she was standing on the Slytherin side of the Great Hall.

The two girls bowed stiffly – anticlimactically, Clara then fell over immediately, as the Slytherin girl had hit her with a Disarming spell so strong she'd tripped over the hem of her own robes.

Professor Wrench waved her wand and the shields disappeared. "Well done, Burke. Now, Abbott. What could you have done to prevent this from happening?"

Clara flushed. "I should've worn shorter robes", she muttered breathlessly as she scrambled up the floor. A few people laughed.

"No, Abbott. You could have cast a Shield Charm to prevent yourself from losing hold of your wand", Professor Wrench said without a smile. "If you lose your wand, you will lose. In a real battle, you might even die. That's that makes the Disarming Charm so dangerous. Next up – Black."

Clara and the Slytherin girl walked back to their lines; Clara looking embarrassed and the Slytherin girl quite content with herself. Sirius walked in their place in a carefree manner, his wand already out. His eyes followed the line of Slytherins hungrily, finally settling on Mulciber. He grinned darkly; Mulciber eyed his wand sourly and didn't budge. But no; Mulciber was the shortest boy in his class, much shorter than Sirius...

"Rosier. You're up with Black."

As Evan Rosier walked towards Sirius, Lily suddenly realised she was rather the same height as Generia Fern... perhaps they would be paired with each other. A darkly pleasant feeling coiled up inside her at the idea. She'd want nothing more than to blast the girl to smithereens for snogging Severus. Lily eyed the other girl apprehensively, wondering what type of a duellist she'd be. Then she again started going through spells in her head.

Sirius and Rosier bowed at each other, their eyes never leaving each other's face. Lily saw Severus staring at Sirius, and his face was no longer expressionless; he looked utterly loathing.

"Bow, then begin", Professor Wrench said. The two men bowed -

" _Conjunctivitium!_ " Sirius bellowed.

" _Viri deprimo!_ " Rosier shouted.

Both screamed in agony; Rosier fell on his knees and dropped his wand, pressing his hands over his eyes. Sirius had fallen over and seemed glued to the floor; the veins on his face were bulging and he was grimacing in pain, being pressed down against the ground by an invisible force.

"Finite Incantatem!" Professor Wrench screamed; Sirius got up, his face red and eyes watering as he threw Rosier a dark glare; but Rosier remained down, still holding hands over his eyes.

"Burke. Take Rosier to the Hospital Wing, please. He's been temporarily blinded, but madam Pomfrey should be able to sort it out in no time", Professor Wrench said calmly. The Slytherin girl who had been up against Clara came to help Rosier up and led him out of the Great Hall; he hit himself against the Gryffindor table as he groped his way blindly.

"There was no clear winner there, since both duellists incapacitated one another. In a real situation, both would have effectually rendered each other defenceless. Of course, Rosier's spell might have crushed Black to death in certain prolonged situations... I would advise you to take note and use the Shield Charm", the Professor said.

There was only one more Gryffindor before it was Lily's turn - a Lorelai Edgecombe, who managed to take down her Slytherin opponent with a quick Expelliarmus. Lily kept on staring at Generia Fern, her fingers curled around her wand...

The Professor looked down at the parchment and called out Lily's name. James squeezed her waist - Lily stepped up and pulled her wand out, very aware of all the eyes on her, aware of Severus's eyes on her.

"Mulciber. You're up against Evans."

 _Mulciber?_

Lily's heart leaped in horror as she turned from Fern towards Mulciber. Mulciber stared at her with those awful, cold eyes of his, giving her a smile that didn't reach anywhere near his eyes. Lily felt a sudden rush of horror as she remembered what Mulciber had done... remembered he had killed, raped... hated Muggleborns...

"That's not – I thought it was women against women!" James said loudly, sounding as shocked as Lily felt.

"Yeah, that's not fair, all others have been up against the same sex!" Sirius joined him. He looked quite worried, too, eyeing Mulciber angrily.

Professor Wrench turned her head towards the boys. "The gender is irrelevant. It's the magic that counts."

Lily felt her wand hand turning so sweaty she was worried the wand might slip through her fingers. She saw Severus out of the corner of his eyes; his face was as unreadable as ever...

The shields went up in a blue flash, and for a moment Lily felt desolated, alone with Mulciber, who was eyeing her bizarrely. Her mind was empty, all of a sudden she couldn't remember a single spell when Mulciber stared at her with those cold eyes of his, those same eyes that had watched somebody die...

"Bow", the Professor said, her voice muffled through the shield.

Lily held her wand tightly, trying to control her shaking hand. She bowed her head very slightly and raised her trembling wand, seeing Mulciber do the same... she knew there would be pain... Mulciber's arm started descending -

" _Protego horribilis!"_ Lily shrieked the only spell that pierced through her hazy mind and waved her wand ungraciously, not even attempting wordless magic in her haste.

" _Sectumsempra!_ " Mulciber bellowed and sliced through the air with his wand, as though it was a sword.

The shield Lily had managed to cast just in time was torn to two in blue shreds, the way her flesh would have torn had she not had the time to cast the Shield Charm. The Sectumsempra was so powerful that Lily felt it on her face like a searing hot gush of wind even through the broken remains of her shield, making her stumble backwards, trip over her robes like Clara had, and clumsily fall on the floor. She scrambled up to her knees, shaking from head to boot as she glanced around wildly, looking for Mulciber, who was still standing.

"Stop!" Professor Wrench shouted and waved her hands, but to no avail - Lily saw Mulciber raise his wand again, and he was smiling in earnest now -

" _Depulso!"_ Lily shrieked and pointed her wand, and Mulciber was thrown backwards by her repelling spell. _"Expelliarmus!"_

Mulciber's wand was thrown in the air and fell back down to the stone floor with a clatter. Lily slumped back on the floor, feeling absolutely deflated. She realised she was sweating profusely now, and pushed her wand into her pocket with a shaking hand. Mulciber scrambled up, his face red in anger and he stared at Lily with a look on his face that made it clear he would've liked nothing better than to strangle her with his bare hands. Behind him, Severus stood, seemingly frozen in place and staring at Lily. She looked right back at him (what was he feeling?) and next to her, Professor Wrench waved her wand and dissolved the magical shield.

"Very well done, Evans. For future reference, when I tell you to stop, you stop, all of you, understood? Mulciber – I am not familiar with the spell you were trying to use. What was it?"

"Just something I picked up", Mulciber spit through his teeth, still staring at Lily.

The Professor gestured at them to remove themselves. Lily got up and walked with wobbly legs over to James and Remus. Remus patted her back and James wrapped his arms around her, kissing her temple. "You did really well. Especially against a man."

"Oh, shut up", Lily muttered, adrenaline still coursing through her veins. James looked at her, surprised and hurt. She stared in front of her and shook his arms off of her, feeling a mixture of intense relief at still being in one piece, and irritation at James. Severus was staring at her still, with those beautiful black eyes of his. She couldn't read whatever it was that she saw in his eyes at all; could only guess at what it was he was feeling. Then he turned his face away and pushed his hands in his pockets, fixing his gaze upon the floor. Lily continued to look at him for a long time after he'd averted his eyes, but he didn't look up.

Bunny was up next; it was she who ended up paired with Generia Fern, being about the same height as both her and Lily. It turned out that Fern was a hopeless duellist; she accidentally dropped her wand and shrieked in horror before Bunny had even shouted her Expelliarmus, which was lucky, since Bunny wasn't much of a duellist herself. Bunny returned to the line, positively beaming. Lily didn't pay attention to anything, really. She felt at a crossfire of bizarre energy and wondered how it was that nobody else noticed; James was standing stiff and clearly offended next to her; Mulciber stared at her with his cold pale blue eyes as though he wanted to resume their duel, and she herself stared at Severus and willed him to look at her again (but he didn't; he wasn't even following the duels, just staring at his stupid shoes like they were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen).

Remus was up against a Slytherin boy; both tried to disarm each other and were knocked over by the spells, but the Slytherin boy managed to reach his wand and knocked Remus unconscious before he had the time to reacquire his. Soon after it was Mary's turn; she managed to knock her Slytherin opponent off his feet, but her victory was disqualified as she'd taken a head start; she returned to the line with a sour look on her face, and didn't look the slightest bit happier when Bunny patted her back, still looking exceedingly happy about herself.

"Potter. You're up next."

Like Sirius, James walked up to the opening without a care in the world. Unlike most other duellists, he didn't seem to mind being stared at; he tousled his hair and posed self-confidently. Mulciber turned his pale eyes towards James and stared at him, if possible, even more angrily than he'd stared at Lily; undoubtedly remembering James's visit to his dormitory.

"Snape. You're up against Potter."


	12. Letters and news

Part two! :) This chapter in itself is quite long (if I'd have published this together with Chapter 11, it would've been about 25 pages long, and I usually try to keep my chapters 9-12 pages long). Hope you'll enjoy it, please review if you do (or even if you didn't! I welcome all kinds of feedback).

Merry Christmas!

""

 _When time passes, it's the people who knew you whom you want to see;_

 _they're the ones you can talk to._

 _When enough time passes, what's it matter what they did to you?_

\- John Irving

""

"Snape. You're up against Potter."

" _No!"_ Lily gasped quietly. She felt her palms turn clammy again, as though she herself was about to have a second round with Mulciber.

"Good one, mate", Sirius whispered to James, who grinned in response.

Severus lifted his gaze from his shoes, and slowly diverged from the Slytherin queue, coming to stand opposite of James. He came to stand closer to his opponent than most other duellists, only about 10 feet away from James. James grinned at him, and it was clear that he'd hoped nothing better than to be paired up with him. James twirled his wand lazily in his fingers as he assessed Severus; Severus eyed the wand, then pulled his own wand out of his pocket. His expression was collected as he sized James up with his eyes. But Lily noticed his fingers were white against the dark wood of his wand. Lily's heart felt like it was trying to burst out of her chest any moment now; she didn't wish to see whatever was about to happen next.

(All of a sudden, a memory resurfaced. Sev, a thousand times, standing opposite her in their secret hideout as they practiced magic; him, practicing summoning charms, practicing transfiguration, practicing levitating her, practicing stunning her. Him; his fingers tender when he examined whatever bruises she might have gotten when she fell; his smiles and laughter brief and precious when he succeeded, his eyes worried and unguarded if he accidentally hurt her; his eyes that didn't look at all like those calm eyes he wore now.)

"First time I've ever been happy to lay my eyes on that huge nose of yours, _Snivellus_ ", James said through his teeth, so low that the Professor couldn't hear. "If you're lucky, you might end up with some permanent changes to its appearance - I'm thinking a snout."

Severus smiled dryly. "How... creative. I can see that revision of the first year Transfiguration textbook hasn't gone to waste on your part, Potter."

James angrily opened his mouth to retort something back – but then the blue shield flashed up. Lily bit her nails as the two men were separated from the rest of the class. Then the shield turned invisible.

"Bow", the Professor said.

Severus bowed very curtly, keeping his back straight and his eyes on James. James only nodded, his mouth a straight line. Lily swallowed, awaiting for the shouts of hexes and curses... but unlike most other duellists, James and Severus continued to measure each other up after bowing, their wands held in position, eyes locked. Lily stared – transfixed, her every cell tuned to what was about to happen -

" _Engorgio skullus!"_ James abruptly yelled and pointed his wand at Severus.

Absolutely nothing happened.

Lily stared at Severus, but his head remained perfectly normal sized. He'd moved his wand – almost unnoticeably. James stared at his own wand as though he thought it had suddenly stopped working. Then he raised it again.

" _Stupefy!_ " He shouted. This time Lily noticed the almost unnoticeable movement Severus did with his wand, which apparently caused some sort of a shield to go up between the two men.

"Your spells haven't much improved since third grade, have they, Potter? But then again, perhaps you prefer to use brute force instead of magic...", Severus mocked, his voice muffled through the magical shield conjured by the Professor, and his eyes gleamed darkly. James turned red in his face, and raised his wand again.

" _Transmogr-"_

"Stop!" Professor Wrench shouted over James's voice, her voice alarmed. "Stop!"

" _\- ify!"_

James pointed his wand at Severus and red light flashed, but the spell hit an invisible shield in front of Severus, making a deep, ear-ripping sound like an enormous gong was hit, and at the same time, Severus pointed his wand at James – a light flashed as he flicked his wand.

James was thrown back, there was a disturbing cracking sound, and for a brief moment Lily thought Severus had wordlessly cast a Depulso spell. But when Lily looked down at James who had cried out as he had hit the ground, she knew immediately that something was very wrong with him. He was lying in an unnatural position and his face was grimacing horribly in pain; tears were streaming from his eyes. He breathed out a small whimper.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Is he _crying_?"

"Prongs!" Sirius breathed in horror and rushed to his side.

The class had erupted into a mass of murmurs. The Professor waved her wand and removed the shields, then hurried to James's side, holding her hand up, wordlessly ordering everyone to remain still and not rush closer to stare. Sirius reached for James, but he made a pained noise in his throat as Sirius grabbed his arm. Lily took an uncertain step towards him; the Professor again gestured everyone to remain in their places and she remained near the Gryffindor queue.

"What spell do you think that was?" Lily heard Mary whisper to Bunny behind her.

"Where does it hurt?" Lily heard the Professor ask James; he remained rigid on the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks from under his closed lids, and didn't answer. The Professor turned to look at Severus, who was standing still as a statue and stared at James; there was something like amusement at the corners of his mouth. He was holding the wand in his hand with lax and relaxed fingers, very unlike before.

"What spell was that?" The Professor asked, her voice sharp.

"It doesn't have a name", Severus said and the amusement vanished from his face.

"What does it do, then?" The Professor asked, glancing at James in worry.

"It has dislodged every one of his joints."

"It– _what?_ Ever- Are you _mad_ , Snape?"

Severus pushed his wand into the pocket of his robes and shrugged. "The spell in question was not an Unforgivable Curse."

The Professor gaped at him for a while, then seemed to collect herself. "That was dark magic! I ordered you two to stop – you disobeyed my direct orders! How are we even supposed to move him now!"

"You bastard", Sirius hissed, his face distorted in rage, not minding the teacher next to him. "You fucking git!"

Severus eyed the Professor coldly and ignored Sirius. " _Potter_ disobeyed your direct orders, Professor. I merely protected myself from the painful transformation _he_ tried to inflict upon me. And now... if you don't mind. I have a very unforgiving schedule."

And with that, Severus passed by James, who was still lying on the ground. He didn't look around himself as he walked out of the Hall's doors. The students continued whispering to one another and gossiped shamelessly loudly about him as he passed. For a moment, Lily was torn between wanting to go check on James and wanting to run after Severus.

"Oh, hell..." she muttered. Before having the time to properly think it through, she found herself running past James's incapacitated form and after Severus.

"Evans! Come back here!" Lily heard the Professor shout after her as she turned the corner from the Great Hall and into the long corridor decorated with marble and bronze busts. She didn't stop. She saw Severus, he had reached the end of the corridor, where he was about to turn the corner into the maze of smaller corridors beyond.

"Sev! Severus!" She yelled at Severus's retreating back. He looked over his shoulder, and there was something like surprise on his face as he saw her. Lily's heart leaped; he stopped to wait for her! For a moment, as he stared at her, he again looked like himself, there was a flash of insecurity in his eyes, he looked like _her_ Sev -

A marble bust near him exploded. A dark-clad something ran past Lily.

"You piece of shit!" Sirius bellowed as he ran towards Severus. He aimed his wand at Severus again. "I will fucking kill you!"

" _Sirius!_ What -!" Lily yelled in shock as an enormous hole appeared into the stone wall near Severus's head; he ducked from the shower of rubble and dust, and pulled out his own wand.

"I'll handle this, Lily, don't worry about it! You can go back to James!" Sirius shouted over his shoulder.

"No! That's not what I -" Lily started, but both men had already disappeared around the corner. She sped up her steps and hurried after them, feeling sick as she heard the sounds of echoing steps and yet another explosion and shout. She sprinted around the corner and saw them both running, Sirius reaching Severus any time now...

"Think torturing is fun? You like it, huh?" Sirius's voice echoed on the corridor's walls as he bellowed. "Just like your buddy Mulciber you are, aren't you! I've seen plenty of your kind - could see it in your face the first time I ever laid eyes on you, you _filthy, disgusting piece of shit!"_

"Go back to Potter, Black", Severus shouted over his shoulder. "Unless you want to end up like him!"'

"Bring it, you slimeball!" And Sirius lunged at Severus, forgetting his wand and managing to tear the wand out of Severus's hand – he threw it on the stone floor. The two men fell down in a wrestling heap of black robes and black hair, and Lily couldn't even see which one was which as she ran towards them.

"Stop!" Lily shrieked and pointed her wand at them; they both froze in place, magically bound by her spell. She ran towards them and arrived with burning lungs at the strangely frozen shape of the two men whose fists were buried in each other's hair and collars... Severus's hand had found Sirius's throat. Lily flicked her wand and they were separated by an invisible force, then became mobilized again. Severus was up first, still breathing heavily.

"Right... right", Lily heard him mutter as he smoothed down his robes. His face was a little flushed. He pressed his fingers against his lips and with a bang in her heart, Lily noticed there was a smear of blood on his lower lip from where Sirius's fist had found its target. She reached for him.

"Sev -"

" _Don't_ talk to me, Evans."

Lily paused, her surname and the cold rejection a slap in her face. Her insides felt like lead as she looked at Severus and let her hand drop. He didn't look at her, instead staring at the blood glistering on his fingertips. Then he pushed the hand briskly into his pocket.

"You heard what Black said", Severus said through his teeth and turned away from her. "Go back to _Potter._ "

And with that, he grabbed his wand from the floor and stalked away, leaving Lily standing there with her wand still in her hand, and her heart throbbing in pain. She seemed to have momentarily lost her voice as she stared at Severus's billowing robes disappearing around the corner. Sirius was collecting himself off the floor. His left eye was black and his robes were wrinkled, revealing the pink, uneven scarring on his neck from where Severus's curse had once hit him.

"Sev! Wait!" Lily shouted after Severus when she regained her ability to speak, but he was already gone, and her words echoed hollowly in the corridor's walls.

She let Sirius lead her to the Great Hall, feeling numb. Sirius kept cussing at Severus, seemingly convinced that Lily had gone after him for the same reason as he had.

"...bloody idiot... wish I'd have hit him... next time I will... to ruin somebody's birthday like that... I swear that next time I'll see him, we'll have a... "

It all sounded nonsensical to Lily. She felt sick, horrified, when she played the meeting in her head again and again, and realised how it must have seemed to Severus... he probably thought she'd gone after him like Sirius, that she had wanted to hurt him...

Madam Pomfrey was in the Great Hall, tending to James. She was holding an enormous flask of SkeleGro, and was administering it with a pipette. James had barely moved; he was ashen faced and looked terrible. The duelling had clearly ceased for the day. The rest of Gryffindors were standing nearby in small groups; most Slytherins were lounging in their House table.

"Where is he?" Fern shouted half-anxiously, half-threateningly at Lily and Sirius as they appeared. Lily didn't answer her; Sirius told her to go and stuff it. Fern looked sour and left the Great Hall, undoubtedly going to the Slytherin common room to look for Severus. Lily wondered dully if Severus would let her take a look at his broken lip, and if she'd kiss him to console him, and if then they'd -

"We'll have to wait for half an hour at least, before moving him", madam Pomfrey said to Professor Wrench as she started administering drops of SkeleGro, dropping them one by one between James's lips.

As Lily watched James sipping on the drops of SkeleGro, she was suddenly filled with the clear understanding that she did not love him, and that she could never love him the way he wanted her to. She didn't know why she realised it at that precise moment, but for that one brief moment, her mind was completely clear. She could never love him, because there was always someone who meant more to her than all the other blokes in the universe put together; whom she had, even after all that had passed, chosen, gone after.

"I've got to go", Lily heard herself say to Sirius, aware of the social pressure to go and console James. _I'm his girlfriend, of course they expect me to go and swoon over him._

"What? Where?" Sirius asked, surprised.

"Just... I've got to go."

And Lily turned on her heels and rushed out, without caring about Sirius's objections. She didn't stop running until she had reached her dormitory. With shaking fingers, she took out a parchment and quill from her trunk, jumped on her bed and and the words practically wrote themselves down.

 _Dear Sev,_

 _I hope Sirius didn't hurt you. If it's just a broken lip, Dittany should help with it._

 _Can we meet? I want to clear things up between us, because I don't want to graduate knowing that we've gone our different ways for good and must therefore always remain angry at each other. At least let's make peace before school ends, please?_

 _Best,_

 _Lily_

 _PS. I wasn't trying to attack you today when I came after you. I don't know what I was trying to do, but that wasn't it._

 _PPS. But you shouldn't have cursed James like that, that was a horrible thing to do._

Lily re-read the letter, biting her quill absent-mindedly. Then she corrected the 'Sev' into 'Severus' in bitter memory of him calling her with her surname. She put the letter into an envelope and went to the owlery to send it to Severus.

She felt pretty good about having had the guts to do it, when she looked at the owl disappearing into the castle's grounds. To her surprise, it didn't go towards the lake like usually when she was addressing Severus, but instead turned towards the Forbidden forest. Perhaps he had gone for a walk instead of going to his dormitory... In any case, it shouldn't take long for Severus to receive the letter, it should reach him any moment now. Lily could do nothing but wait for his reply now, and was haunted by the image of him opening the letter, reading the words... she suddenly regretted putting that last bit about James in it. It had maybe sounded a little too patronising.

When she returned to the common room, Remus was there, waiting for her on the sofa by the fire. He was alone.

"James was moved to the Infirmary", he said as she came to him. " Probably has to stay the night."

"Is he okay?"

"His joints are not healing the way they're supposed to."

Lily sat down on the sofa, mentally cursing at Severus's unreasonable interest in coming up with horrible curses which were hard to heal. Luckily he'd never practiced _those_ on her. Remus gave her an odd look.

"He asked for you, Lily."

"Oh... right."

Lily got up again and sighed as she climbed back out of the Portrait hole. Guess she had to go to the Infirmary then. So this was it... her secret was out, she no longer filled in the role of a good girlfriend even superficially, and undoubtedly James would ask her why she'd abandoned him... to which she could only answer with the truth: that she did not feel for him the sort of feelings that a girlfriend should feel for her boyfriend.

Upon entering the Infirmary, Lily expected to find James alone, but she should have known better. Both Sirius and Peter were sitting by his bedside as she entered. Her mood sank.

"Lils!" James smiled at her as he saw her enter.

"Hi... um... how are you?" Lily said.

James made a face. "Well... I can't move, and my joints aren't healing as quickly as they should. But madam Pomfrey gave me some medicine that tasted like owl droppings, which totally took away the pain... and seeing you makes me feel lots better."

He flashed a charming smile at Lily, who came to take a seat next to him.

"Snivellus likes to come up with curses that can't be healed", Sirius said. His left eye was glistering with some gooey substance, but the skin underneath it was no longer black. "Madam Pomfrey had a hard time with my curse wounds too... after gooping out the pus, she had to manually stitch them up like some Muggle healer. They just wouldn't close."

"I heard Professor Wrench say she's going to ask Snape about the curse... she suspected it's not authorised for use. He's going to get into trouble", Peter chimed in, looking eager at the prospect.

"Nah, he won't", Sirius said darkly. "He's good at making up stories to save his skin. He'll probably say it wasn't supposed to be so strong, that he just overdid it accidentally.. or that he heard about it from somewhere but can't remember where... at most, he'll wind up with a few detentions. Unfair as it is." He sniffed, apparently failing to recall any incidents when he himself had saved his own skin in circumstances just as unfair.

Lily listened blankly. She wanted Sirius and Peter to go, so that she could break up with James.

"Lily, did Remus give you a letter?"

"Huh?" Lily awoke from her thoughts. "A letter?"

"Yes, a letter from my parents..." James frowned. "They usually mail me in the morning on my birthday, but today I haven't heard from them. I sent Remus to check the dorms for any post and tell you where I was."

"Your birthday?" Lily repeated slowly. _Oh, no..._

James grinned again. "Yeah, it's my birthday. Not the best way to celebrate, mind you... and don't worry, I didn't tell you earlier because I didn't want you to fuss. I was gonna, yesterday morning, but you were out in such a hurry..."

Lily felt awful. Yesterday morning, when she'd woken up naked from James's arms and had tried to discreetly sneak out of his bed and out of the dormitory without waking up any of the sleeping boys, felt like such a long time ago.

"Happy birthday", she mumbled. Of course it was his birthday... every year in March, the boys had arranged rather raucous birthday parties on James's birthday. Last year when James had turned 17, they had smuggled bottles full of Firewhiskey to the common room and proceeded to turn the common room into a huge and suspiciously authentic disco. She should have remembered.

"Thanks!" James beamed at her. Then he frowned again. "I do wonder about the post though... Peter, do you mind going to the owlery and check if Flidais is back?"

"I don't know what she looks like!" Peter said anxiously. "All owls look the same to me!"

"How thick are you?" James asked incredulously. "I've only had her for eight years, you buffoon."

"I'll go with him", Sirius said, getting up and stretching. "If I happen to run into Snivellus on the way, the better for me..."

And so Lily remained alone with James. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Should she do it now... or should she wait for another time? _Just do it_ , _you coward,_ a voice in her head said. _You keep putting it off, and then you forget about it or you chicken out at the last minute..._ Another voice shouted at her to shut up; _it's his birthday for God's sake! Out of all the days you could choose, this isn't it!_ But she concluded that the first voice was right. She was so rarely alone with him, and she never had the guts to do it. If she'd keep her tongue now, she very well might prance up all the way to the altar with him as Mary had suggested. She avoided James's eyes, feeling like a right bitch.

"Listen, James..." She started, staring at the white quilt which covered him up to his chest. "I hate to bring this up today of all days, but I think things have gone so far that I have to..."

"Hm?"

"I'm not sure if... if it's a good idea for us to be, you know... involved."

Silence. Lily glanced at James; he was staring at her with arched eyebrows. She hated herself.

"What do you mean?" James asked. "Are you saying that you regret what's happened? Sleeping with me, that is?"

Lily shifted again. "I don't... no, I don't regret it, not really. I mean, I started it, didn't I? It's just... things have been happening so fast. I keep thinking that I should be in love with you by now, but I just don't feel that way for you, and I don't think... I don't know if it's possible for me to love you that way. I'm so sorry..."

To her surprise, James gave a short laugh. She looked up at him; he was smiling.

"But Lily, that's normal!"

"How... what do you mean?"

"Well, come on, Lily! We've only been dating for, what, less than two months? That's _nothing_! My mother told me she didn't fall in love with my father before they were engaged!"

Lily stared at him. He was beaming at her and didn't look the slightest bit taken aback by what she'd just told him.

"That's... strange." Lily said, unable to come up with a better comment.

"My point is... I've had my eye on you for years. But for you, all this is new. _I'm_ new. So it's no wonder you're freaking out. Listen, Lily, no – listen. I know I come on a bit strong. I've just been so excited to finally have you. But if you want, we don't need to do anything you don't want to, until you're ready. Okay? I'll give you as much time as you want. And I swear I will be just perfect for you. I'll give you anything you want. I'll prove myself to you, just you wait."

Lily considered this. She was surprised, and a little alarmed at the course this conversation was taking. Whenever she'd thought of breaking up with James, she'd imagined him hurt and shocked, him telling her to go fuck herself... but he didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, it appeared as though he was positive she'd eventually fall in love with him, and not at all taken aback by what she'd said. But Lily remembered the feeling she'd had when she'd seen him in the Great Hall, and that sudden clear realisation that she could never fall in love with him. And she remembered he'd tried to curse Severus. So she gathered her courage, preparing for his inevitable disappointment...

"James... I'm impressed you are not mad at me. But the truth is -"

Suddenly a tapping sound from the window cut her off. James gasped.

"Flidais! The letter from my parents, finally! Lils, could you -?"

Lily unenthusiastically got up and went to the window. James's enormous Eurasian Eagle Owl was impatiently tapping at the coloured glass, and in its claws was a letter. Lily fought open the window and the owl flew in, settling on James's blanket, and shaking its feathers. It dropped the letter on James's leg.

"Could you? I can't move", James said sheepishly. Sighing, Lily went to pick up the letter.

"It's not from your parents... It's from St. Mungo's", Lily said, frowning as she saw the golden crest on the envelope. James stared at her, his eyebrows raised.

"St. Mungo's? Why would they be writing me... Well, what does it say?"

Lily opened the envelope and unfolded the heavy parchment. Then she read out loud:

 _Dear Mr. Potter,_

 _We are contacting you in regards to unfortunate news concerning your parents, Mr. Fleamont Potter and Mrs. Euphemia Potter, who were last night admitted into our urgent care department. We regretfully must inform you that they have been diagnosed with a very severe case of Dragon Pox._

 _Your presence has been requested by your parents, and your urgent arrival to St. Mungo's is advisable. Please see the attached parchment for arrival instructions. We have also attached a brochure about Dragon Pox to this letter, should you wish to become better acquainted with the disease._

 _With kind regards,_

 _Mrs. Ariadna Blanxard_

 _Head of Contagious Diseases Department_

 _St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries_

With shaking fingers, Lily started unfolding the attachments. "I've never heard of Dragon Pox", she said. "Perhaps it's not so bad."

"It is", James said weakly and swallowed. "My grandfather died of it. It's not serious if you catch it when you're young, but... it's fatal for elderly patients."

"But that's good, right?" Lily said hopefully. "Your parents can't be that old, can they?"

"My father is eighty two and my mother is seventy six", James said in a dull voice. His eyes were wet and he closed them.

"Oh..." Lily said, not knowing what to say. "I'm so sorry..."

"I've got to go there. Tomorrow. Madam Pomfrey has to find a way to cure me. I have to see them... in case..."

"Of course, James." Lily felt wretched as she watched tears flow through his closed lids. She felt a surge of affection for James, and would have hugged him if not for his injuries. She placed her hand gently over his, trying not to press too hard out of fear his painkilling medication would fail.

"Will you go with me?" James asked her. "Please?"

"G-go with you? To St. Mungo's?" Lily asked, alarmed.

"Yes. Please, for me? I can't face going alone..."

Lily hesitated. James opened his eyes and looked at her with those hazel, wet eyes of his. He looked vulnerable and pleading.

"Sure", she said. "I'll go with you."

""

As she returned to the common room later, it was already dark and the stars had lit up the cloudless night sky. Sirius and Peter had returned to the Infirmary and the three of them had stayed there until madam Pomfrey had thrown them out (Sirius had very loudly described every punch he'd given _Snivellus,_ trying to cheer James up). James had remained quieter than usual, and Lily hadn't said much either, letting Sirius and Peter do most of the talking. After eating a hasty, tasteless supper, where Severus once again hadn't showed up to (neither had Generia Fern; the implication of what that probably meant didn't go amiss from Lily), Lily made her way back to the common room, feeling quite depressed and longing for an early night's sleep.

Mary's bedside curtains were closed as Lily entered the dorms. She was too tired to care about the muffled giggles she heard from inside, and putting on earplugs, she changed into her pajamas and crawled into the inviting embrace of the soft blankets and pillows of her bed. Wishing she had someone to talk to about all of the wallowing feelings inside of her, she pulled the bedside curtains closed. Putting her head on her pillow in the wonderful darkness, she was startled to find something hard and rustling from under her cheek. She pulled that something out – it was a letter.

Lily was suddenly wide awake. She reached for her wand, and wordlessly lit up a light to the tip of it, pointing at the wand towards the letter. For a moment she was certain that the letter was from Severus – he'd answered her already! – but then the cheap paper of the envelope, the Muggle stamp, along with the passive-aggressive address of "Miss Lily Evans, Hogwarts, school for freaks" scribbled neatly with a ballpoint pen, crashed her down from her delusions, and she sighed. Petunia. What on Earth did she have to write her about? She'd never sent Lily a letter to her school before. Petunia had spent the last two years basically ignoring her, not even returning home for Christmas, choosing to spend the holidays with her new boyfriend's family instead. Feeling a mix of curiosity, irritation and unreasonable tenderness towards her sister, Lily tore open the letter and read the short message.

 _Lily,_

 _I am writing to let you know about Mum and Dad's changing living situation. They are leasing the house for some married couple from London. The period of lease they have agreed on is from 1.5. until 30.4. next year._

 _These days I am staying at Vernon's most of the time, so Mum and Dad are moving into my flat for the time being. And in case of developments, they are welcome to keep my flat for good. So don't bother coming home after you finish that school of yours._

 _Mum and Dad send their best and look forwards to seeing your diploma._

 _With regards,_

 _Petunia Evans_

Lily had to re-read the letter twice t make sense of it. She felt more nauseated by the moment. Apparently it wasn't enough that her life was already in shambles, but now she was graduating to become homeless, too. She couldn't imagine a reason why her parents would choose to lease their house! They loved the house! As did Lily. She had always lived there, her whole life, as her parents had purchased it right before she had been born, abandoning the stark block of flats where Petunia had lived the first year of her life. Angrily throwing the blankets aside, Lily jumped up the bed, grabbed her morning gown and stormed out of the dorms. Sirius and Peter were sitting by the crackling common room fire, playing Wizard Chess (Peter was losing and looked rather sour as he sat with his arms crossed and watched Sirius's Knight chop up his Queen).

"Hi Lily, having an early night?", Sirius greeted her. She didn't reply, instead demanding if they knew if Hogwarts had a telephone somewhere.

"Tele...phone?" Sirius repeated in a confused voice.

"Yes, Wizard Boy, a bloody telephone", Lily said. "Oh, never mind..."

"There's one in the Muggle Studies classroom", Peter said shyly. "I'm not sure if it works though. It might be just a prop."

"Where's the Muggle Studies classroom?" Lily asked him.

"1st floor. I can't remember the number...38, maybe?"

"Cheers", she said and gave him a brief smile before returning to the dormitory to hastily throw her robes over her pajamas.

She had no trouble finding the Muggle Studies classroom. It was rather easy to recognize by peeking inside, as it was cluttered with Muggle objects, including plastic binoculars, a record player, a broken-looking microwave and an ancient typewriter, which Lily suspected hadn't been used by a single Muggle in close to a hundred years. Somehow even Muggle objects managed to look glaringly wizardish in this setting. And at least some objects had definitely been charmed: she noticed that there was something resembling an eye inside a flashlight which laid on the teacher's desk. The eye's lids swiftly closed and the eye pretended to be asleep when Lily looked at it.

Lily noticed an old-fashioned partly covered telephone on the wall behind the teacher's desk: it was one of those ancient enormous wooden boxes which came with a separate earpiece, and where you had to stand close to the wall in order to speak into the horn. Lily hoped the teacher wasn't teaching that all Muggles used such archaic phones these days. Lily sneaked into the classroom, cast aside a grey business suit which had been hanging on a wooden hanger from the side of the telephone box, and grabbed the earpiece. For a moment she heard nothing but silence, and Lily's mood sank – perhaps the phone _was_ just a prop.

"Who may I connect to?" A friendly male voice said to her ear, startling Lily.

"Hi - uh... my sister - Petunia Evans. She lives in..." But Lily suddenly realised she didn't even know where her sister lived these days.

"Petunia Evans, got it. Little Whinging. Second floor flat near the railway."

"Right", Lily said, feeling tremendously sad. Apparently a bewitched telephone box knew her sister better than she did. She bit her nail nervously as she waited.

The phone rang six times until anyone picked up.

"H-hello? It's me – I mean... Petunia Evans speaking", a sleepy voice said. Lily felt a stab of unexpected longing at the sound of her sister's unguarded voice. Petunia sounded like herself the way she had been when they had been young, before each and every word she uttered had turned into a poisonous sting meant to hurt Lily. Lily suddenly had the urge to hug her sister, to feel her bony arms around her.

"Hello. It's me", Lily muttered.

It was quiet for a while.

"What do you call this hour, then? Couldn't wait for a respectable time, could you?" Petunia's voice had turned sour. "I didn't know they even had telephones in that freak school of yours. Would've called, if I'd have known."

"Yeah, that's what I called for. Your letter, I mean", Lily said quickly. "What's going on, Tuney? Why are Mum and Dad leasing the house?"

"To pay off the mortgage, of course", Petunia snapped. "They only had a year left when Dad was laid off."

" _Dad was laid off_?" Lily breathed into the horn, horrified. "How come nobody told me!"

"Well, I thought I just did", Petunia said, and Lily could picture the sour look on her face. "It's your fault for being away, anyway. You can't expect us to write to you about _everything._ "

"How are they doing? Can they afford the rent on your flat?" Lily asked, worried and choosing to ignore Petunia's jab.

"I'm paying the rent, thank you very much. _I'm_ not cold-hearted enough to leave my parents in trouble. And besides, Mum got a part-time position at the University. My flat's closer to the University anyway." Their mother had once upon a time worked as a teacher of English literature, before having Petunia. She hadn't worked a day during Lily's lifetime, but Lily supposed literature hadn't much changed in the past twenty or so years.

"Right", Lily mumbled. "Well... that's good, then."

"So... anything else?" Petunia snapped. Lily could picture her tapping her foot against the floor impatiently.

"Yeah... How are you?" Lily asked tentatively, wanting to prolong the call, to hear Petunia's voice.

"Fine", Petunia said, sounding a little surprised. Then her tone turned proud. "I think Vernon will propose soon, actually."

"Oh. That's nice", Lily said, secretly thinking the prospect of Vernon Dursley's proposal didn't quite warrant Petunia's boastful tone, but keeping the thought to herself out of gratitude for the fact that Petunia had willingly shared some detail of her life. That was probably what the potential "developments" that Petunia had mentioned in the letter referred to.

Holding her breath, she asked: "Could I... could I come and see you when I graduate?"

Another silence. Lily toyed with the chord of the earpiece, nervously waiting for the unnerving silence to end. She heard Petunia sigh at the other line, and tried to imagine the flat where she was standing, and where her parents would soon be moving into. Her mind's eye conjured an image of a tidy, practical flat. Gleaming kitchen counters. Linoleum floors. A flower-patterned plush sofa. Beige and peach walls. A place that oozed Muggleness, and where Petunia would be at home, and where she herself could never belong, where she would look glaringly witch-like with her long robes and her messy red hair.

"There's not a lot of room", Petunia finally said. "So maybe it's better if you don't bother."

"Right."

They were silent for another moment. Lily swallowed her disappointment.

"Well... I better go to bed, I have a big day at the office tomorrow. So..."

"Yeah. Yeah... it was nice talking to you. Tuney", Lily whispered. Her throat felt a little raspy.

"Well. Take care now."

There was a click at the other end.

Lily stood there for a few moments, holding the earpiece against her ear and listening to the silence at the other end. She imagined Petunia, her face tired and makeup-free, putting coffee into the coffeemaker for tomorrow, combing her hair and putting it up in curlers, reviewing her appointments for tomorrow from a well-organised diary. Looking forwards to seeing her co-workers and friends in the morning; people who weren't like Lily was, and whom Petunia therefore preferred.

"Tough luck", the telephone said to her, sounding empathic. Lily put the earpiece back to its place and turned to leave the classroom.

When she walked towards the Gryffindor common room, she saw that a large grey owl was perched atop the Fat Lady's portrait. The Fat Lady was eyeing it in disgust and covering her head with her hands.

"Finally – can you remove the letter from it and send it on its way, before I'm covered in its droppings?" The Fat Lady asked her.

The owl hooted softly and flew to sit on Lily's outstretched arm; it held out its leg, where a parchment had been attached. Lily held out her palm and it dropped the letter on it. She saw her own name on top of the parchment in a familiar, sharp handwriting. She opened the parchment with shaking fingers.

 _Lily,_

 _You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine._

 _\- Severus_

There was nothing else written on the note. Lily stared at the tightly-knit handwriting for a long time, until she could no longer see and realised the tears which had threatened to come already when she'd spoken to Petunia had started flowing over her cheeks. Numbly, she entered the common room and stalked into the dorms, grasping at the letter in her hand.

As she crawled back into her bed, Lily absent-mindedly thought that if even her own sister, who had once been her best friend, couldn't find it in herself to accept and love her for what she was, how could she ever expect anyone else to do it?

Deep down, she had always known one day Severus would reject her, too. She'd seen it in his eyes, felt it in her bones, when he'd first started ignoring her, when he'd started turning his head away from her when she'd greeted him in the Great Hall. Just like Petunia had started doing, right before she'd drifted away from her life forever. Lily had felt as powerless to stop it as she felt now, like her life and her most important relationship was slipping away through her fingers. All because she couldn't be Muggle, because she couldn't be Pureblood, because she was forever doomed to remain in the middle, not truly belonging anywhere.

Rejecting Severus before he rejected her had been the only way to keep any control over the situation. But now that he'd finally made it clear it was over for good, she didn't feel surprise. Just sadness.


	13. The right thing to do

""

 _There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions._

John Green

""

The following day, Lily sent a letter to her parents, making clear to them that she wished they'd let her know immediately if they needed any help or couldn't make ends meet (suspecting her father to be too proud to admit he needed help, she addressed the letter to her mother). Lily supposed she could get some sort of a job if need be, feeling dreadful of the idea of her parents' difficult living situation, and sad over having become perhaps irreversibly distanced from the rest of her family. She'd always thought she'd have more time to patch things up with them, and in her younger years, had never bothered to think what it meant to only see them twice a year; but now there would be no more time, and she might never life together with her parents again.

James did end up getting out of the Hospital Wing the following evening. Peter had heard right, and Professor Wrench indeed had gone to talk with Severus about the curse he'd used; she'd returned with a healing counter-spell, which had corrected James's joints into the correct position in just a few moments. Everyone except for Peter were studying in the common room as James arrived; Lily had managed to snatch the coveted velvet sofa near the fire, and they had sat there for close to six hours now, afraid to take a break from studying out of fear that someone would steal the seat - although Sirius had promised to put up a biting hex on the sofa to drive away unwanted buttcheeks.

"Prongs!" Sirius threw the miniature of the solar system he'd been studying on the sofa, got up and went to clap James on the back as he climbed through the portrait hole. "Good to see you've _joint_ us."

James grimaced. "I have indeed, mate. But everything hurts still, so try to keep the clapping to a minimum."

Sirius let go of him.

"So, what have I missed?" James asked, seemingly in good mood. Lily frowned; this was a change to his last night's brooding, which even Sirius's jokes hadn't been able to change.

"Oh, just an afternoon Potions revision class... Slughorn's moved on to reciting the third year textbook now", Remus said, not lifting his gaze from his textbook. "I thought you were going to London tonight?"

"Too late now, St. Mungo's no longer open for visitors. We'll leave tomorrow morning at nine. Dumbledore came to the Infirmary earlier, and told me he's arranged for transportation", James explained and stretched; his newly stiff joints cracked. "And I've just sent a letter to the Leaky Cauldron about our stay."

"How are you feeling?" Lily asked shyly, not so much referring to his cracking joints than to the surprisingly calm look on his face.

"I'm fine", James said and smiled. "I thought about it all morning, and I came to the conclusion that their Dragon Pox can't be that bad... I mean, my Grandfather was older than my parents when he caught it, maybe that's why he passed away... And he died within a day of the spots appearing. So..." his voice trailed hopefully.

Lily didn't say anything; neither did anyone else. She'd read the Dragon Pox pamphlet attached to the letter, and deep down she thought James was only fooling himself, but she'd rather have eaten her Potions homework than crashed him down from his delusions.

James didn't bother studying that evening, but seemed reluctant to go upstairs to bed either. He was probably avoiding being alone, Lily concluded. Instead he dug up a few firecrackers and set them alight in the fire of the fireplace; the noise and puffs they made made it very difficult to study. Soon enough he achieved what he'd apparently wanted all along, and Sirius packed up his textbooks and grabbed a few firecrackers too, lighting them. Neither paid any attention to the crowd complaining about the noise. Lily tried her best to bury her face into her books and discreetly cover her Head Girl badge with her notes; she certainly didn't feel like telling James off. Finally he abandoned the firecrackers and turned to Lily.

"You're awfully quiet tonight", he commented. "I'd have thought you'd have a thing or two to say about these firecrackers."

Lily tried not to look embarrassed.

"Well... I've just had a lot on my mind", she muttered.

"Like what?" James asked, then whispered loudly. "Not about... you know - what we talked about, yesterday?"

Remus and Peter lifted their eyes from their textbooks and looked at them in interest. Lily shot them an irritated look.

"No, just... news from home, that's all", she said vaguely to James.

"What news?" James asked. Damn him and his lack of tact, Lily thought in irritation and sighed, pushing her textbook off of her lap. But she couldn't come up with a better excuse on the spot, so she hesitantly told the boys about her phone call with Petunia, as well as her impending homelessness.

"I'm sorry to hear that", Remus said sympathetically. "But you'll still have a while before graduation, you'll probably find a flat before that."

"But you can move in with me!" James announced. Lily blinked.

"W-what?"

James waved at his hand. "It's all cool, don't worry about it. I mean, we have plenty of room. And my parents didn't mind Sirius moving in either. Once they get better -" Lily exchanged a glance with Remus, who shook his head "- once they get better and move back home, it's just good that there's someone there to keep an eye on them since we won't be there."

"Uh... what do you mean?" Lily asked him.

"Well, since Sirius and I are going travelling after school ends - I've told you about it, right? - they'd be left all alone. So in a way, it'd be perfect if you were living there!"

"Travelling?" Lily repeated, trying to remember if he'd ever mentioned anything of the sort. "What do you mean, you're going travelling?"

"I'm sure I've told you, Lily. It's sort of a tradition... well, it used to be, anyway. A lot of people go away for a year after they graduate and travel around the world. We're only travelling for two or three months, because of the times, you know... we're leaving for Greece two weeks after graduation."

Lily was quiet, trying to absorb this new information.

"Just think about it", James said and lit up another firecracker and threw it in the flames where it exploded in a series of blue and yellow sparkles.

Lily did. She was also thinking, that out of all possible scenarios she ever could have come up with, the day when she was considering moving in with James Potter and Sirius Black was certainly among the most unlikely.

""

The following morning, which was Wednesday, Lily found herself from the Leaky Cauldron in London, where Dumbledore's portkey had brought them. Lily had been under the impression that she was going alone with James, but she should have known better – Sirius had appeared out of the boys' dormitory alongside James, pulling his trunk behind him. It wasn't particularly surprising he was coming, since he was apparently well acquainted with James's parents, having lived at their house and all. But when Lily saw him, she couldn't help but wonder why James had been so intent on bringing her, too.

They had the entire rest of the week to spend in London, and James had reserved rooms for them from the Leaky Cauldron. He'd booked a shared room for him and Lily; it even had a double bed. She stared at it and felt uncomfortable, her intuition telling her that their conversation and James's promise to give her time probably wouldn't hold him back in the slightest. Otherwise the room was very comfortable, one of the largest in the Leaky Cauldron. Lily had once stayed the night in the Leaky Cauldron before, with her parents, but the first floor room they had stayed in had been much more basic. James had gone to Sirius's room across the hall, and so Lily moved her trunk to the end of the bed and went to the window, where she could see the cobblestone street and the shops which stood on its opposing sides.

Lily thought it felt bizarre, being in Diagon Alley at this time of the year, when she'd only ever seen it in the summer, its streets bustling with laughing students and tired-looking parents, its shops crowded and polished. Now, the Leaky Cauldron was half-empty, and most of the shops which she saw from her second floor window were closed. Some permanently, it appeared from the boarded up windows. People who exited the shops looked paranoid as they glanced around themselves before hurrying away.

As Lily stared at the stained, dark window of Flourish and Blotts she thought of the first time she had come to Diagon Alley, with her ogling parents and Severus, all those years ago. The street had been crowded and people had been sitting outside in the sun, enjoying ice cream and cold butterbeer. She'd never seen anything so magical in her life, and every shop had seemed like an intriguing world of its own with its distinctive area of expertise. Proper, real magic everywhere, unlike she'd ever seen before in her life, magic that was so much more advanced than the little charms she'd managed to cast and of which she'd been so proud of. Severus had been excited too, but had tried to assume the air of someone who'd seen it all before, boastfully pointing out magical objects in the shop windows which he could name, and leading way to the stores like he regulated them weekly. In retrospect, Lily realised that being a Halfblood, Severus had probably always felt uncertain of his own status in the Wizarding world. Lily's wide-eyed ignorance about all things magical had probably given him a rare opportunity to boast about his own knowledge and heritage. Perhaps that's the reason why he'd wanted to be friends with her even though he disliked Muggles and Muggleborns, she thought ruefully. He'd occasionally seemed taken aback and upset if she had unexpectedly demonstrated abilities he himself hadn't yet mastered, and had been known to sulk for hours if she beat him at something. _Perhaps he'd have preferred me to remain ignorant. Perhaps he'd have liked me better then, like Petunia would've had I been a Muggle,_ she thought bitterly.

Lily opened the window and pushed her head out, smelling the air. It had been raining in the night, and the cobblestones and rooftops were wet, and the air was fresh. The street was rather empty, only a few people entering and exiting shops. There was a larger crowd of people, standing by the junction of Diagon Alley and Knockturn Alley, which was usually empty. Severus had once taken her there when they had been thirteen, leading way to some dreadful shops where Lily had felt tremendously uncomfortable and had felt like she was being stared at by the other patrons. Severus hadn't seemed to notice, having gushed over objects and books which Lily had been disgusted by. Her complaints had only seemed to amuse him, and he'd walked with his head held high, pulling her behind him from one shop to the next. He'd finally agreed to leave when Lily had begged them to go – but she'd suspected he'd returned there on his own later. Lily felt sad as she remembered how early on Severus had started showing signs of being fascinated by the dark arts. For a very long time, she'd preferred to pretend it was just a phase for him; like the way Petunia had taken up smoking only to abandon it a month later when some bloke she fancied had mentioned she smelled like an ashtray. So Lily had patiently tried to voice her qualms over his interests, in the hopes he'd become discouraged. He hadn't.

Lily was so lost in her memories that for a moment she thought she saw Severus amongst the crowd of people; but when she looked again she could no longer see the man who had reminded her of him. A lot of shady people seemed to be walking about the street, and Lily made a mental note to remain with James and Sirius at all times when they were outside. After all, most of the people who made headlines these days were Muggleborn, and Lily still wasn't quite confident in her duelling skills: she felt more confident in treating injuries than causing them.

The boys seemed to think along the same lines, because Lily barely had a moment alone after they checked in to the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius stayed in the room across the hall; the boys kept the doors open so they could talk to each other without going to the other's room. Lily might've thought it sweet before, but now she found herself longing for privacy. She had started to realise that dating James also meant dating Sirius: save for climbing into the sack with them, Sirius had shared almost every moment of every day with James during the time Lily had been together with him, like some loud-mouthed, assertive shadow.

Before, Lily had drank in the presence of others, but now she found herself detached and uneasy in their company. James and Sirius shared some sort of a bond of souls, which Lily realised she simply couldn't ever replicate with James, not even if she could somehow grow to love him. It was the sort of a bond which was born out of years of shared secrets and of growing up together from childhood into adulthood; of seeing all the sides of the other, both good and bad. With an aching heart, Lily realised that she could never experience such a bond with anyone besides Severus or Petunia, both of whom wanted nothing to do with her.

She thought of a Korean word she had once read of, _jeong,_ which meant the kind of a mysterious, intangible bond which organically develops between two people at some point in their lives, and which remains even through distance and differences; even through hate and neglect. She and Severus shared that bond. Lily could feel it, even now, that link between her and him, and she knew it would never vanish, no matter how many horrible words were said or how many horrible things were done. That link, too, had been born out of shared secrets, of lazy childhood summer days, of notes passed secretly in class, of knowing each other's expressions and what they meant by heart. Of having seen the other happy, vulnerable, sad, angry. That bond was intangible to everyone else, and thus outsiders had always scoffed at her relationship with "that strange Slytherin git", unable to understand or feel the fate lines connecting them through time and differences. Petty words and angry outbursts had nothing on that kind of a bond, she realised. Lily thought of how she'd sometimes felt like she had always been connected to Severus, even before he had materialised himself to her in the park when she was nine years old. Like she'd always been expecting him to arrive into her life one day. She had never felt that with anyone else. She wondered if Severus had ever felt the same way about her. She wished she'd have had the time to ask him.

James peeked in to the room. "You ready to go? There's transportation leaving in 10 minutes."

Lily pulled her head in from the window. "Yeah."

It turned out that 'transportation' was an old beat-up looking green minibus standing on the Muggle street outside the Leaky Cauldron, in which a few witches and wizards already sat. There were worn-out tapes on its sides; Lily could barely make out St. Mungo 's name. Muggles didn't pay any attention to the bus, although a few people eyed them curiously as they packed themselves into it.

"Never seen black-clad hippies before", a passing man commented to his wife, eyeing Sirius's long hair and robes.

The ride to the hospital only took fifteen minutes, and they were left off by an old brickstone department store, which didn't look like it was in use. But Lily wasn't fooled – she'd long since learned that such inconspicuous fronts were prime material to hide magical destinations. James had turned ashier and ashier the closer they had gotten to the hospital, and Sirius had to practically push him through the magical window and into the hospital. They were administrated an antidote in the reception, which should temporarily make them immune to Dragon Pox, and were directed to the fourth floor.

The visit was not pleasant.

It was obvious that Euphemia and Fleamont Potter didn't have much time left; their pallour was greenish and spotty from the disease, their faces sunken and hollow. James burst out crying as he saw them.

"This is my girlfriend, Lily Evans", he said as he wiped his nose, and gestured at Lily. "I wanted you to meet her... in case..."

James's mother grasped at Lily's hand and asked her in a weak voice to take good care of her only son. His father, who looked distinctively like James, nodded solemnly from his bed, and told Lily he was happy his son had finally settled down, and that they couldn't be happier about his choice of a girlfriend, having heard him talk about her many times during the past summers.

Ashamed and avoidant, Lily spent the rest of the visit on the background, wishing she would have had the mind to break up with James weeks ago, and deeply regretting coming to London with James. It was quite clear to her that James's parents were on their deathbeds, and that they would now think she was to be married to James one day. As she watched James hug his mother, for a moment she even toyed with the idea of marrying him out of sheer duty and moral obligation. Certainly women had done worse, historically speaking, she pondered as she looked at James's handsome profile. And she'd definitely be envied by most of the girls on their class... Then she shook the ridiculous idea out of her mind: she would support James now that he was vulnerable, but after that, she would have to break it off with him, no matter how handsome his profile was. Things had been going much too far already, all because of her spinelessness and inability to put her foot down, and of wanting to do the right thing.

That evening when they returned to the Leaky Cauldron, Sirius and James proceeded to get quite drunk. There weren't many people in the pub, and they got quite emotional over their Firewhiskies as they reminisced upon the old good days, and pondered about the general meaning of life and death. Finally James crumbled and started straight out howling in his hands, and soon Sirius followed suit, leaning against James's shoulder as both of them wept unashamedly. Tom, the bartender, looked at them sympathetically as he wiped the counter. Lily felt very much like an intruder in the midst of a sorrow she couldn't access, so she moved over to the bar after noting that James didn't seem to need her.

"Come from a funeral?" Tom asked her as he positioned a goblet of Elfmade wine in front of her. "There's been plenty of them lately, what with the times... seems like half my guests are on their way either to a funeral, or coming from one."

"Uh... not as such, no. Just visiting sick relatives", Lily explained.

"Well. Not that that's much better."

Lily paid him, but remained on the counter, looking at the two crying men huddled against each other in the corner; they were the only remaining customers.

"Not very busy here nowadays. Is it normal, this time of the year?" Lily asked as she took a sip of her wine.

Tom shrugged ruefully. "It didn't use to be. But people are scared to go out these days. All sorts of news, and unfortunately Diagon Alley has started to attract a certain crowd, all coming though this pub... you're my only customers at the moment. Who stay for the night, I mean. There was another Hogwarts student, but he left this morning."

"There was someone here from Hogwarts?" Lily asked, surprised. She couldn't imagine many reasons why a Hogwarts student would be allowed to leave school during the term, and in the middle of the school week, at that. "Was he here for a funeral, then?"

"No, for a job interview. Not that he was willing to reveal that fact; he was a quiet bloke, I had to practically pry it out of him... and good for him, since he applied for the post of an Unspeakable, must be an advantage in a job like that..."

"Oh", Lily said, not knowing what an Unspeakable was but reluctant to reveal her ignorance. "Wonder who that might have been..."

"A young man by the name of Mr. Snape. Never caught his first name, I'm afraid."

Lily's heart fluttered in her chest and she settled her goblet down with a bang. It _had_ been him she'd seen from her window! He'd been here, in the Leaky Cauldron! The pleased feeling disappeared as soon as it had appeared, when she remembered that Severus wanted nothing to do with her... she gulped down her wine, feeling the reassuring warmth spreading through her veins.

She drank several goblets more by the bar, chatting with Tom, and waited for James to get tired and suggest going to bed. When he finally looked as though he was about to fall asleep on the table, she went to gently nudge at him and led way upstairs. Sirius and James followed, both puffy-eyed and pale. James fell asleep immediately, snoring loudly. Lily couldn't sleep; the morsels of information Tom had unwittingly given her about Severus kept her awake and restless. He had been here, in this very same guesthouse, perhaps even at the same time that she had been here... and he had applied for a job? As an... Unspeakable? Lily wondered what that meant, and made a mental note of asking James about it tomorrow. She stared at the sliver of a cloudless night sky visible through the curtains, and wished to fall asleep.

It took her a while to notice James wasn't snoring any more. She turned her head to look at him, and found his eyes open in the darkness, fixated upon her. He smiled softly at her, his eyes dark and gentle in the shadows, and he reached to take her hand. His palm was warm and soft, and he pressed a kiss on Lily's wrist, then laid her hand against his cheek.

"I was thinking today", James whispered, his voice hoarse from sleep. "Of how much I appreciate you. You always do the right thing. Always. Even when it's hard... you do the right thing, still. Like coming here to see my parents, even though it must have been difficult for you..."

He was quiet for a moment, gazing at her with those warm eyes of his. Lily's heart ached as she realised that right now, right here, in the silent coziness of the room and surrounded by the warmth of his body, she would fall in love with him if she was ever capable of doing so.

"I'm in love with you", James whispered. Then he kissed her, relieving her of the duty of giving him an answer.

 _You always do the right thing..._

What was the right thing now?

""

James's parents died early on Saturday morning. First his father, and then his mother barely an hour later.

James and Sirius had gone to see them one last time the evening before, but this time Lily hadn't joined them, unable to face the sorrow-filled atmosphere. On Saturday, the boys went to say their final goodbyes to St. Mungo's morgue; Lily remained behind, wandering around the Diagon Alley; but the empty streets where 'Missing person' announcements attached to walls and windows eerily flapped in the wind made her paranoid and she soon started imagining being followed. If she turned around, she saw nobody, but soon returned to the Leaky Cauldron because she was unable to shake the uncomfortable feeling. She packed up their things, and immediately when James and Sirius returned, they Portkeyed themselves back to Hogwarts, where James remained locked up in the boys' dormitory where didn't come out before the following week.

When he finally emerged out of the dormitory, he seemed like a new man; moody and depressed, his face covered in stubble he didn't bother shaving. Sirius seemed to naturally gravitate around James's feelings and adjusted his own moods according to him; but while James had become withdrawn and sulky, Sirius became mean and sardonic instead. Reading for the exams continued as normal, but James often had a glassy, empty look in his eyes as he stared at a page for longer than was natural, and Sirius hurled little jabs at everyone except James, making him thoroughly unpleasant company.

The funeral was on a weekend two weeks after the Potters had passed. The memorial service was held in the Potters' home. Lily attended together with the Marauders, insisting upon staying in one of the guest rooms instead of James's room, and marvelling at the utter wizardness and prestigiousness of James's childhood home. She had never before identified as strongly with her Muggle heritage than she did as she wandered around the quirky mansion, inspecting the bizarre ringing, talking, floating, thinking objects and golden decorations, and the ancient moving portraits of the Potter family, some of whom looked at her evaluatingly; others nodding in approval, and others shaking their heads in disdain at the black Muggle dress she was wearing to the memorial service (she didn't own any black robes appropriate for a funeral).

"I am glad I got to see them one last time", James read his speech to the people who had showed up, in the greenhouse of the mansion, which had been decorated with hundreds of white flowers. James was pale and had dark shadows under his eyes, and had to stop to wipe his eyes behind his glasses every few moments. "They lived a fulfilling life and were loved by many. They were kind, generous and good people, who leave behind many great memories for everyone who knew them..."

Sirius wept in his hands by Lily's side. Most of the other guests looked very mournful too; it was clear that Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had been well-liked and respected people.

"...my parents passed away the way they lived; together. They died holding hands. They were my role models, and I... I love them very much. My biggest dream in life is to build a life which is equally happy as theirs was."

James ended his speech hoarsely and abandoned the speaking post, giving way to his great-uncle who was so old he didn't look like he had many years left. James came to sit by Lily and buried his face in the curve of her neck; she hugged him, swallowing her own tears at the sight of his pain. She wished she could take it away, to heal him, and felt powerless as she realised there was nothing she could do but let him cry against her shoulder.

The night after the funeral, James asked Lily to come and join Sirius and him on their around the world trip. Lily declined the offer. Then James repeated his wish that Lily move in to the house after graduation, saying that he couldn't bear to think of his childhood home empty while he was gone, and that he'd at least have something to look forwards to after his return. Lily found herself accepting the offer. The following day, they returned to Hogwarts.

At Hogwarts, Lily felt depressed and trapped. She was seeing for the first time how far-reaching the consequences of a moment's weakness could be. She now bitterly wished she hadn't kissed James after Slughorn's party. If she hadn't looked for consolation in James, she would have remained lonely, but free. Her thoughts about making Severus jealous by kissing him felt utterly foolish now, her thoughts and actions of the time childish. Instead of making Severus jealous and getting a reaction out of him, Lily had driven him out of her life for good, and had simultaneously managed to trap herself into a relationship where she stayed out of guilt, shame and out of the vague desire to do the _right thing_. Now it was James who looked for consolation in her, and she felt forced to remain there for him, to push him up and towards the surface from the rock bottom of his depression. So she gave him anything he wanted and needed: her time, her shoulder to cry on, her fourth year Potions notes, eventually even her body.

The right thing would have been to madly love James. He had done nothing but give Lily everything she wanted, had invited her with open arms to his circle of friends when hers had abandoned her, and who wanted to protect her, even encouraging her to move in with him now that she didn't have a place to return to after school ended. Logically, Lily understood that she should be happy to have someone like James; should be happy to have the opportunity to pay back his kindness and support him in his time of need. But while she did pity James, she was unable to access any stronger feelings besides friendly affection, and shame. In fact, shame was the defining emotion she seemed to feel these days. She felt shame over not breaking up with James. She felt shame over _wanting_ to break up with him. She felt shame for kissing and making love to a man who had never taken responsibility for bullying Severus. She felt shame over the sex, because it was still a little awkward and she felt detached during it; it was all for James, so he'd feel better. She felt shame for ever having made Severus see the extent of her betrayal of their friendship, by kissing James in front of him. She even felt shame at sometimes imagining making love with Severus when James was on top of her. Shame penetrated every moment of her existence, and made her feel worthless, exhausted. It was exhausting. Being with James, it _exhausted_ her.

So she studied and studied and studied. She sent job applications: to a Potions laboratory in Suffolk, to the healer traineeship in St. Mungo 's she'd had her eye on, to a private teaching post in Surrey. She cleaned out her trunk, and threw away all the broken junk, spending a teary-eyed hour reading the old scribbled notes and letters Severus had once upon a time sent her and which she had discovered from the bottom of her trunk. Now wrinkled and torn, they reminded her painfully of the happier, simpler days of her life, when it had been natural for Severus to send her owls asking her to come see him in their 6th floor meeting place, or about wanting to show her this book he had managed to snitch from the Library's Forbidden section when madam Pinch had turned her back.

She was exhausted, and the time just kept on running, the ticking of the clock on the castle's high tower bringing them all towards the inevitable end of term, towards graduation, towards the end of life as they knew it.

""

The next chapter will move back to Severus's POW, as he's been entering a whole new chapter of his life while Lily has been struggling with James. I no longer have any stashed up chapter parts I've pre-written (like I've had for the last 3 or 4 chapters). Oh, well - I actually do have one, but that's not coming up yet ;)

Anyway, due to the lack of pre-existing material, it might take me a little longer to update this time. But probably not too long, since there's still holidays left! Please let me know what you think, and thanks for the reviews for last chapter :)


	14. Old Blood

""

 _He'll wrap you in his arms,  
tell you that you've been a good boy  
He'll rekindle all the dreams  
it took you a lifetime to destroy  
He'll reach deep into the hole,  
heal your shrinking soul,  
but there won't be a single thing  
that you can do_

 _He's a god, he's a man,  
he's a ghost, he's a guru  
They're whispering his name  
through this disappearing land  
But hidden in his coat  
is a red right hand_

\- Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, "Red Right Hand"

""

Severus waited patiently by the gates, eyeing what he could see of the mansion with interest, and, if he was being quite honest with himself, with something like envy too. It was enormous and reeked of the sort of ancient magic and heritage that he'd always dreamed of, and which was as far from Spinner's End as possibly could be. The yard was very well maintained and the sound of a fountain rippling carried through the hedges surrounding the gates. He checked his watch; it was five minutes to.

Right then the gates opened. Severus craned his neck but couldn't see anybody approaching the gates from the yard. Hesitating an instant, he finally stepped through, eyeing around himself, and put his hand in his pocket where the reassuring feeling of his wand awaited his fingers, although he wasn't truly expecting to be attacked by anyone hiding in the bushes. He simply felt uncomfortable at stepping into the unknown, which he assumed was the very purpose of the eerie welcome.

There were tidily clipped hedges in the forms of peacocks and pyramids across the yard. As he entered deeper, he saw a horde of tied up peacocks by a fountain as he quietly glided over to the house; they cooed stupidly at him as he passed, and he shuddered at the ostentatiousness. _If I lived in a house like this,_ he thought, _there would be none of these silly chickens and hedge sculptures._ _It's really not very dignified._

As he approached the mansion's front doors, he expected the doors to open up on their own, and wasn't disappointed. But to his mild surprise, a tall, blonde man stood waiting for him at the bottom of a grand staircase, a welcoming if brief smile on his face.

"Ah, Severus", Lucius Malfoy said, as though Severus's appearance was a complete surprise to him. And for all Severus knew, it could be; he himself had only been notified of his arrival last night. "What a pleasure to see you again. You had no trouble finding here, I hope?"

"Not at all, Lucius. It was the only mansion in the vicinity", Severus said and smiled crookedly. Lucius hummed in amusement and gestured at Severus to follow. He did, eyeing the portraits on both sides of the hall in interest. They eyed him right back, most of them looking rather haughty. A woman wearing an extravagant wimple bent her corseted body to whisper something to a moustached man in the portrait next to her as he passed. Severus wanted to ask Lucius what was going to happen now, but kept his tongue. He assumed that his arrival was purposefully arranged so vaguely, possibly to test his patience, or to make him the clear underdog. Well, under the circumstances, he would gladly allow it. Excitement flamed up inside of him, burning through the earlier nervousness.

"You simply must come back for tea when you're done", Lucius said to him as he led him to a drawing room, where a fire was warmly crackling in the granite fireplace, and more portraits glared from their frames. "To catch up on old times."

"Come back?" Severus repeated, but the answer dawned to him immediately, as Lucius took a glass jar off the mantelpiece and threw green powder into the flames.

"You're going to the Lestrange mansion", Lucius said as he gestured at Severus to climb into the green flames. "We can never be too careful, you see. So – until later, then. Please do send my respects."

"Lestrange mansion", Severus repeated and felt the green flames swallow him into a roaring buzz of flashing sitting rooms and kitchens, until he found himself firmly standing in the fireplace of a dark parlor. The curtains were drawn over the windows, and candles were lit along the walls, which were mostly covered in silver-embroided green velvet curtains. The room was grand and filled with valuable decorations, but it looked bleak, the enormous dark baroque furniture and paintings on the walls making it seem stuffier than it was. Hurried steps echoed on the stone floor.

"Severus Snape?" A woman's voice snapped. "You're nearly late. You must hurry."

A dark-haired woman with hooded eyes approached the fireplace. She was wearing expensive-looking velvet robes, and a ruby necklace. She looked arrogant, and examined Severus with a critical eye. Whatever she saw clearly didn't please her; she made a disapproving noise in her throat and turned to leave the room, expecting Severus to follow her. He quickly climbed off the fireplace, shook the soot off his robes and hurried after her. His palms felt clammy and his heart was beating fast, like the wings of a hummingbird against his ribs; the new surroundings disoriented him somewhat, and he had to collect himself to keep it together.

The woman led him along a hallway until they arrived to heavy, engraved twin doors made out of oak, on which she knocked quickly.

"Come inside", a cool, high voice said through the oak. Severus shivered in excitement and fear. The woman opened the doors, and stepped in, her head so high one might've imagined her stepping on a stage to be crowned a beauty queen.

"He's arrived, My Lord", the woman breathed and bowed exuberantly low.

"Very good, Bellatrix. Send him in", the high voice said. Bellatrix turned to look at Severus and nodded her head sharply to call him in, the dreamy look on her face quickly replaced by a sneer. Severus stepped through the oak doors hesitantly, eyeing the room. The room he'd arrived to appeared to be a dining room; his gaze immediately landed on the man sitting at the end of the long table which dominated the room. Severus shivered again; the man looked monstrous and disfigured, his eyes red slits, and the smile which he wore was nothing if not unnerving to say the least. Severus came to stand next to Bellatrix and mimicked her by bowing deeply, his heart quickly beating in his chest. He hadn't come to think what the Dark Lord looked like, but whatever he'd expected, this wasn't it. Finally Severus straightened his back but kept his eyes on the floor, afraid to commit some sort of a faux-pas by leering at the man. He wasn't certain if he was allowed to look at him.

"You may leave us, Bellatrix", the Dark Lord said. Bellatrix bowed again – Severus made a note of it – and left the room, closing the oak doors behind her. Severus continued to stare at the carpet, vary and uncomfortable at being left alone with the notoriously cruel and ruthless warlord. The silence seemed to stretch forever, and he had to fight the urge to grab a hold of his wand, as paranoid thoughts of a raised wand and green light permeated his over-excited mind.

"Severus... Snape", the Dark Lord savoured his name in his mouth. "I've heard so much of you. From my loyal comrades... Lucius... and Mulciber tells me his son speaks most highly of you, especially after that, ah, amusing little incident. Now, now. Don't be shy. We're among _friends_ here."

Severus glanced at the Dark Lord, and was startled to find he'd gotten up and soundlessly glided over to him, standing now much closer than Severus would have wished. Severus licked his dried lips. "Lucius... Lucius sends you his respects, my Lord."

The Dark Lord nodded and his red gaze didn't leave Severus's face. Abruptly, he reached one pale hand and touched Severus's face, taking a hold of his jaw – his fingers were cold, as though he was a moving, talking dead body. There was a sudden, cold pain in Severus's head; like he'd have eaten a cube of ice and gotten a brainfreeze, and he knew the Dark Lord was in his head, violently moving through his memories like they were scraps of garbage he had to sort through. Severus didn't try to resist, surrendering himself to his examination.

Images flashed in his mind; Morland on his bed, screaming from Potter's Crucio; his own contempt for both Potter and Morland – which seemed to amuse the Dark Lord, as he smiled – and then Severus's father, the sleeve of his old ratty denim jacket, his fist punching the wall next to Severus's head, _"man up,_ _boy!",_ and his heart beating in his chest like a wild animal in its cage as he prepared himself for a punch that wouldn't hit the wall; Potter holding Severus up in the air by the lake, a prisoner of his own spell _"who wants to see me take off Snivellus' pants?"_ , while people gathered around to laugh; a flash of green light, and a wet sewer rat now dead in a blue bucket on his yard; Dumbledore rewarding Potter House points for covering up his best friend's murder attempt _"quick thinking, James, you have proven yourself to be a true Gryffindor",_ and the unfairness of it, the rage towards the old bigot of a man – the Dark Lord smiled again, his red eyes burning through every memory he witnessed.

The memories changed, and the rage Severus had just violently relived died down and turned to sadness and pain: Lily's loathing, sixteen-year old face as she turned away from him by the Gryffindor portrait hole; Lily in Hogsmeade with Grover Vass, letting him sneak his hand under her top in the corner of the cafe where they'd thought no one was looking; her lips on Severus's lips, then on James Potter's lips, her hands in his dishevelled hair. The Dark Lord seemed to pass by his memories of Lily almost impatiently, moving on quickly, like they were inconsequential fluff obstructing his view of whatever it was that he was searching for. Severus's mother was now sitting by the side of the bed, telling him she'd thought of killing herself sometimes, just to get away from it all _"I'm sorry I couldn't be a better mother for you - but I do love you -"_ ; then she was screaming downstairs as his father threatened to take a knife and plunge it into her _"- you bitch!"_ , and Severus stood at the top of the staircase wearing his blue pajamas and holding a fluffy animal, crying. The Dark Lord smiled again, his cold fingers disappeared from Severus's skin, and a wonderful, relieving emptiness filled Severus's head as he pulled away from his head.

"Yes... you show promise. A burning desire for glory, for better things. Ah... Yes... there will be better things...", The Dark Lord said contemplatively and turned to go back to the table, seating himself at the end of it. He gestured Severus to take a seat a few chairs away from him. Severus slowly walked over to where he was gesturing, and sat down stiffly, feeling weak. His head was still aching and he was sweating and trembling profusely, like he'd just gone through a major trauma. His cheek was cold where the Dark Lord's fingers had been.

"What is your heritage?" The Dark Lord suddenly asked him, eyeing Severus almost hungily. Severus stiffened even further; this was the question he'd been most afraid of - a question to which the Dark Lord almost certainly knew the answer to already, having just had access to his private memories. Was he testing him when he asked? If so, what was the correct answer? Severus shifted uncomfortably, tried to find the right words – he couldn't lie, but if he told the truth, he might be told to leave, or worse, be killed on the spot...

"The truth, Severuss..." the Dark Lord said, and Severus's name sounded like the unpleasant hiss of a snake in his mouth.

"Halfblood", Severus managed to say and felt flush creep up his cheeks at his confession, pressing his gaze to the dark varnished surface of the table. He felt shame, unlike ever before. "I'm sorry, my Lord. My mother was a Pureblood witch, of the Prince family. My father was..."

But he couldn't bring himself to say the word 'Muggle' under the Dark Lord's gleaming eyes.

"Halfblood... Witch mother... Muggle father. Yes, I have seen." the Dark Lord said softly and confirmed Severus's qualms. Severus closed his eyes and waited for his reaction, sweating.

"Now, Severus. Why are you so embarrassed? As I said, we are here amongst friends... I promise, your shameful secret is safe with me", the Dark Lord said, leaning towards him.

"My Lord", Severus croaked eagerly and raised his head. "I will prove -"

"Your heritage is really quite inconsequential to me - a necessary evil, so to speak. I will have use for skilled men, no matter how shameful their parentage may be", the Dark Lord said, waving his hand, and Severus felt gratitude and relief swell inside him, the Dark Lord's gracious acceptance filling him with warmth. "Now, Severuss... I have heard you've been interviewed for a position", the Dark Lord said.

Severus nodded eagerly and tried to collect himself. "For the Ministry. For the Department of Mysteries, to be exact."

The Dark Lord nodded, looking pleased. "That position will be most useful for me."

Severus hesitated. "It's not certain, yet, my Lord. They have asked me to come for another interview."

The Dark Lord smiled coldly. "You will get the job."

"My Lord, I will try my -", Severus started.

"It is not a question of _trying_ , Severus." The Dark Lord cut him off. "Did you not wonder why you were called in for an interview in the first place, when you don't meet the department's requirements? Namely, your youth, and that you haven't worked at another Ministry position for five years before applying for the post of an Unspeakable?"

Severus shifted uncomfortably again. "I did, my Lord. I believed it was because of Mr. Mulciber's influence in the Ministry. I helped his son Morland - a classmate of mine - a while back, and he promised to speak to his father and help me with my career in return."

"Oh yes, the amusing little incident with the Crucio... oh, it brings me back my own Hogwarts years", the Dark Lord said almost wistfully, and Severus eyed him in surprise, trying and failing to imagine him as s student, with his red eyes and all. "Yes, indeed, Mulciber's recommendation has helped you on your career, but not in the way you presumed. It was he who personally recommended you to my service, and based on his good word along with Lucius Malfoy's, I have in turn helped you along on your Ministry career. Does that surprise you?"

"No, my Lord. I know the Ministry is under your power", Severus said quickly. "And I thank you for your trouble."

"It is no trouble. As I said, the position will be very useful for me", the Dark Lord said, his voice metallic. "I have another Unspeakable, but he's working in a position which isn't nearly as useful for me. However, he is able to arrange for your immediate hiring. Your second interview is just an unfortunate policy, another necessary evil... What I want from you is to report everything you learn of a certain field you'll be studying, and to which my particular Unspeakable has no access to."

"My Lord?"

"As you may by now know, the Department of Mysteries is divided into chambers, each dedicated to a certain field of study. In theory, all Unspeakables have free access to all chambers, but because the subjects are so time-consuming, most have specialised in two or three fields. My current Unspeakable works with studying the Brain room and the Hall of Prophesies. I need someone in one particular chamber, wherein lies information which greatly interests me. Namely, the chamber where the subject of death is being researched."

Severus was silent for a while, absorbing this information. Despite his job interview weeks back, he'd not heard any specific details of what the position entailed; the two interviewers had been extremely discreet and vague about the details. But it all certainly made sense, and it caused him no pain of conscience to promise the Dark Lord to do as he'd asked.

"Of course, my Lord. Anything you wish", Severus said, meaning every word.

The Dark Lord nodded solemnly, and gave Severus a look which suggested he took his word very seriously.

"You will be contacted", he said. "Now. Enjoy your last weeks in Hogwarts. And be reassured, greater things await... You may leave now, Severus. Ask Bellatrix to send Rodolphus in."

Severus scrambled up at the dismissing gesture of the Dark Lord and backed towards the door, not daring to turn his back towards the man. As he reached the door, he bowed deeply, as he'd seen Bellatrix do. The Dark Lord gave him yet another cold smile, seeming pleased at his manners. Then Severus backed away from the room, closing the heavy doors behind him. He felt a mix of relief and excitement flood him – the Dark Lord had had an impressive presence, and Severus savoured each word of acceptance and encouragement he'd received from this magnificent wizard, running his words in his head over and over again. The Dark Lord had looked at him like he wasn't just a Halfblood, just a young school boy... he had treated Severus like a man.

"Well? What are you waiting for? He's not going to call you back in if that's what you're hoping!" Severus heard a voice from behind him. He turned to find Bellatrix leaning against the wall, glaring her with the identical, sharp features and dark eyes as the two veiled women in the portraits on each side of her.

"The Dark Lord asked you to send Rodolphus in", Severus said, ignoring the woman's jab.

"Rodolphus?" Bellatrix hissed, glaring at him suspiciously. "Are you certain he didn't ask for _me_?"

"Quite", Severus said coldly and eyed at the woman. She didn't seem to be completely right in the head, he concluded. She was glaring at him wildly, her eyes large and a little mad. She looked somewhat familiar, but he couldn't pinpoint where he could ever have met her. She didn't seem like the type of a person one could easily forget.

"Very well", Bellatrix said. "Must not keep him waiting! I trust you'll find your way out. So - what are you waiting for? Get out!"

And she turned on her heels and rushed along the hallway towards another pair of oak doors at the end of it. Severus turned to walk back towards the parlor where he'd earlier come from. This time he kept his head high, the Dark Lord's valuable approval making him almost light-headed. Did he just imagine, or did the portraits look at him more appreciatively this time, too?

It took him a while to find Floo powder from the Lestrange mansion's parlour. It wasn't on the mantelpiece as was common in most wizarding homes, but he finally discovered it stashed up in an enormous porcelain urn by the nearby windowsill, and threw it in the flames, which burned emerald. He stepped in and soon found himself back in the now relatively homey-looking drawing room of the Malfoy mansion.

"Welcome back", Lucius Malfoy said as he hurried towards the fireplace and eyed him with something that looked like surprise or relief. "I see you made your way back quite well."

Severus shook the ash off his robes and nodded, wondering if Lucius's mild surprise suggested he'd made it back against all expectations. "Yes, the Dark Lord was most gracious."

"Oh. Well", Lucius said avoidantly and gestured at him to follow. "The tea is just about to be served. Come and meet my lovely wife, Narcissa. She's of the Black family."

Severus followed him, feeling a brief sting on irritation at the mention of the Black family. He couldn't help but picture a female Sirius, full of Sirius's sneer and dark hidden cruelty. But to his surprise, Narcissa Malfoy seemed nothing like her cousin, apart from the sculptural cheekbones and jawline which seemed to run in the family and which also Sirius had inherited. Severus was rather surprised to find himself admiring the older woman's pose and manners.

"Severus Snape is an old friend of mine, from Hogwarts. He is of the Prince family. I do not believe you two were ever acquainted", Lucius said to Narcissa as he gestured at Severus to follow him to the dining room where Narcissa had been waiting, and which was also relatively homey in comparison to the bleak Lestrange dining room, where the Dark Lord probably sat at this very moment.

"No, I do not believe I ever had the pleasure", Narcissa said graciously and gave Severus her hand; he kissed it briefly. She gestured at him to take a seat.

"We have been married for five months now", Lucius told Severus as food appeared on the table, in a similar manner to Hogwarts. "Although we were already briefly acquainted at school, we didn't properly meet until a Midsummer celebration at the Ministry last year. Narcissa is a year older than I am, you see, so we didn't share any classes at Hogwarts."

"Now, now, Lucius", Narcissa scolded him gently, amusement twinkling in her eyes. "Your inclination to announce my birth year to all the world makes it so much harder to throw yet another twenty-year birthday ball."

"Ah, I believe our guest is most discreet with your secrets, dear", Lucius said and nodded at Severus. "But please, do tell us how your visit to the House of Lestrange went? We're both dying to hear", he said.

Severus was silent for a while, wondering how much it was appropriate to share. "The Dark Lord has been gracious enough to grant me a task, which I do not believe I should tell the details of."

"And... and were you Marked?" Lucius asked, leaning towards Severus eagerly, but appearing to try and sound nonchalant. His wife shot him a warning look.

"Marked?" Severus repeated slowly, not knowing what the man meant. Narcissa shook her head and laughed lightly, slapping her husband on his arm gently.

"And did you have the time to meet my sister, Bellatrix?" She changed the subject, turning towards Severus. "I do hope she's well. I haven't seen her in a while, as also she was recently married, and is, I believe, under a great deal of pressure to be to perfect hostess for their, uh, guest."

"Bellatrix is your sister?" Severus asked, eyeing the woman again, critically this time. Now that she had mentioned it, he could see the resemblance between the two sisters – and between Bellatrix and Sirius, too, theirs even stronger than the resemblance between the two women. He now understood why Bellatrix had looked so familiar. He immediately made up his mind about Bellatrix – not only had she seemed arrogant and unstable, but nobody who looked so much like Sirius Black could ever be considered a trustworthy ally. His thoughts must have reflected on his face, because Narcissa smiled at him and rushed to explain.

"Yes, Bella is my older sister. She can be a somewhat passionate person", she said lightly. "But she may grow on you."

"Of course", Severus said politely, thinking he would under no circumstances let her grow on him. He couldn't understand why he hadn't immediately spotted the resemblance between Sirius and Bellatrix; she was her dark cousin in every way, from her mad glare all the way to her straight nose.

For the rest of the visit, Lucius and Narcissa chatted lightly about their wedding and the famous and powerful acquaintances which they had invited there. Severus found himself rather envying their life, though he hid it very well. Not only did Lucius and Narcissa seem perfectly suited for one another, they possessed that peaceful, self-assured quality of people who knew exactly where they were coming from. They had no shameful heritage, of that Severus was certain of. He felt rather privileged for having managed to achieve their friendship and Lucius's "good word", and felt that he'd at least managed to do _something_ right during his miserable Hogwarts years. And now that he thought of it, it had really been rather lucky that James Potter and Sirius Black had got it into their thick heads to sneak into the Slytherin Dungeons to amuse themselves. If it weren't for them, he might not be here, might not be about to become employed by the most prestigious Department of the Ministry, might not have become a trustee of the Dark Lord himself... excitement fluttered inside him again, as a whole new path seemed to open up in front him.

"It really is too bad you must go back to school", Lucius said to him later, having escorted him to the gates of his mansion. It was dark now, flames lit alongside the road lighting their way as they walked. "But luckily you'll only have a few weeks left. I would wish you good luck on your exams - but knowing you, I believe none is needed. So farewell, friend, and do not hesitate to turn to us should you need anything."

Severus nodded at him, thanking him for his courtesy. Then he Disapparated to Hogsmeade, which was almost as deserted in the darkness as Diagon Alley was these days. The curtains were pulled over the windows, and the gates to houses were pulled closed and locked. Only Three Broomsticks seemed to have any life inside, its windows gleaming with warm light and the shadows of customers. Severus walked past it, towards the lone and isolated house at the very edge of the village.

The Shrieking Shack was quiet and its boarded windows dark as he made his way inside. The old shack had served as his secret studying place all Spring long – as long as he tidied the place before full moon, no one would be the wiser about him using it for studying, and for getting out of Hogwarts should he need to do so. Since he was no longer missed on any of the classes, he had found himself wonderfully free to do as he pleased. This time he didn't stop in the shack, passing by the piles of books and Potions kits he'd hoarded there, but instead walked along the tunnel until he arrived to the exit in the Whomping Willow. Making certain nobody saw him leave the tree, he walked along the foliage by the side of the Forbidden Forest until he was far from the shack, and only then turning towards the castle.

Hogwarts looked magnificent against the blue of the night sky. His eyes lingered briefly on the high windows of the Gryffindor tower, where a warm yellow light flickered. He wondered if Lily was there, what she was doing, but banished the thought almost immediately, assuming he probably wouldn't like whatever it was, most especially if it involved Potter in any way. Wrestling with the anger he still felt whenever he thought of Lily and Potter, he walked over to the castle's front doors and sneaked into the staircase leading to the Slytherin Dungeons.

The common room was full of people reading for their N.E.W.T.'s and O.W.L.'s, and for once it was blissfully quiet; just the rustling of pages and quiet murmurs cut through the silence. People had finally started to take their studies seriously. He sneered a little; the exams were only a few weeks away, and as far as he was concerned, anyone who hadn't bothered to study until now might just as well fail. Severus didn't feel like studying that evening. He tried to quietly sneak into the dormitory, but was stopped by a hand grabbing him.

"Severus! I've been waiting for you! I haven't seen you around in sooo long!" Severus turned to see Generia clutching at his sleeve, her face heavily powdered and her hair braided into an intricate braid, on top of which was a black fascinator. He frowned; he'd tried his best to avoid the girl for a few weeks now, having grown tired of her chatter and stupidity.

"Why?" Severus asked, feeling genuinely confused. He thought he'd made it clear to the girl that their so called study sessions were over. She hadn't even learned any wordless magic, for Merlin's sake, no matter how much he'd tried to teach her. He knew a lost cause when he saw one. And while the other activities they'd come up with had been pleasing on their own right, he'd grown tired of that, too. She'd seemed to want something out of him, which he was unable and reluctant to give her – having lingered in his bed, wanting to cuddle, seeking some sort of an emotional connection with him that he under no circumstances wanted to forge with a girl as silly as her. In fact, while he felt some amount of satisfaction at the thought that Lily had seen the girl kiss him on her surprising visit to the Slytherin common room – what had that been about, anyway? - he also felt a little ashamed at the idea that Lily now thought he cared for a girl as vapid as Generia.

"I wanted to talk to you", Generia said and bit her lip, letting go of his sleeve.

"Then talk", Severus said, crossing his arms.

"No", Generia giggled, the white powder she used making the skin around her eyes look prematurely wrinkled as she smiled. "I mean, I want to talk to you _alone._ "

"Oh... very well, then", Severus sighed and pushed the door to his dormitory open. "Come in, then."

Morland was sitting on his bed as they entered; he opened his mouth, perhaps to ask Severus how his meeting with the Dark Lord had gone, but when he saw he had company, he closed his mouth and got up from the bed.

"I'll leave you to it", Morland said and flashed an amused smile at Severus as he passed them. He eyed Generia scornfully as he left the dormitory.

"He gives me the creeps", Generia said as she plopped down on Severus's bed. "All the girls say it, you know. All sorts of rumours going around..."

Severus closed the dormitory door. "People who don't have anything productive to do with their time are always inclined to spread lies and rumours."

Generia giggled again. "True. I don't believe half of the things they say about him... or you, for that matter!"

Severus turned towards her, eyeing her critically. "And what, exactly, do they say about me?"

Generia toyed with a lock of hair that had escaped her braid. "They are saying that... well, for instance... that you fancy that horrible ginger Gryffindor girl. You know. The Head Girl, who's dating Potter – or was it Black? I never remember which one... I heard you were seen together on Valentine's Day. But that's not true, is it?"

Severus forced a smile on his face. "As I said. People have nothing else to do than spread gossip."

Generia laughed, appearing relieved. "I thought so. Because... well..."

Severus waited patiently, wondering what exactly was the purpose of this inane chat.

"... because I was thinking..." Generia continued bravely, "that... maybe... you wanted to be with me? I mean, be my boyfriend?"

Severus stared at her, dumbfounded.

"And what, exactly, gave you that idea?" he managed, a little more bluntly than he'd meant.

Generia looked terribly offended as she eyed Severus from the bed. She crossed her arms and hugged herself.

"Well, you did sleep with me!" she said accusingly.

"I... yes, I did. I didn't think it constituted as a formal contract of any kind", Severus said. "I thought it was clear to the both of us what that was."

Generia stared at him. "And what was it, then?" She asked, and her voice was icy now.

Severus shrugged. "Just... a way to pass the time."

Generia jumped up and stalked over to him.

"How can you even say that! What we shared was... it was _special!_ " she shouted, and to his horror, he saw tears gathering in her eyes. He backed against the door; he couldn't stand crying girls. Well, most girls, at least.

"You're just like the rest of them!" Generia continued, her lower lip trembling. "I thought you were different! You don't even – you don't even care about everything I've done for you!"

Severus stared at her, horrified at the turn the conversation had taken. He hadn't expected her emotional reaction at all.

"What do you mean?" he asked her, baffled. "What have you done for me?"

"This!" Generia wailed and gestured at herself. Severus's eyes followed her gesture, and he remained perplexed as his eyes skimmed over her robes and settled on her heavily made up eyes, where mascara was now running down her cheeks. Then he understood.

"Oh – you mean that... that... the clothes and the face paint?" he asked her.

Generia trampled her foot. "Yes!"

Severus couldn't help the sneer that appeared on his face. "It's not like I asked for it! I don't even like your makeup – or those ridiculous hair pieces!"

Generia howled and rushed past him to the door, sobbing as she pushed him aside.

"They kept saying you're a cold-hearted bastard, but I didn't think you'd be that cruel! Stay away from me, Severus Snape!" She sobbed as she slammed the door closed behind her.

Severus went to sit on his bed, feeling deflated and baffled. He had expected the day to be emotionally draining, but little had he known that it would be this perplexing, and that the root of it was not his visit to the Lestrange mansion, but this unexpected conversation. _Women..._

The door opened again. Morland stepped in.

"Fern didn't look quite happy", he sneered as he made his way to his bed. "I do find it very amusing when they cry, though..."

Severus chose not to comment.

"So? How was your little visit?" Morland asked him, eyeing Severus almost enviously; the look on his face was certainly a change, as he usually looked contemptuous at best. But he had seemed to take Severus more seriously now that he'd saved him from Potter's Crucio, which had turned out to be advantageous to Severus.

"It was good, thank you", Severus said. "I'll remain waiting for further instructions."

Morland stared at him for a moment. "And... did you get the Mark?"

Severus frowned. This was the second time that came up. He made a note of it.

"No", he said simply.

"Well, don't worry. Play your cards right, and you will. Once you prove yourself", Morland said and bent to grab his Transfiguration textbook from his trunk.

"Have you, then? Been Marked?" Severus asked him, remembering Lucius's earlier question.

"Of course", Morland said haughtily. "Last summer."

Severus didn't say anything. Morland pulled the curtains around his bed closed, and soon Horton and Evan arrived, chatting about next weekend's visit to Hogsmeade. Severus followed Morland's example and closed the curtains around his bed. He wondered about the Mark, and thought of the Dark Lord's smile, his words of encouragement... yes, all in all, today had been a good day. Next week, he'd have his second job interview in London, and after that... a world of possibilities opened up in front of him. He smiled.

Severus sneaked his hand under his mattress and pulled a neatly folded note from under it. It was quite worn from the many times he'd read it. He read the words on it again and again, thinking of the hand that had written them. His insides ached with anger and yearning.

 _Dear Severus -_

 _Can we meet? I want to clear things up between us -_

Severus folded the note again. He mostly read just those sentences over and over, temporarily allowing himself to fall into his fantasies which she still dominated - usually not bothering with the rest of the letter, because it only made him enraged to think she wanted to resume some sort of a lukewarm friendship with him, while allowing _Potter_ to fuck her. His blood boiled at the mere idea. He would never stand by in the sidelines as a friend and watch her with _him_. Severus had torn up the last part of the letter about Potter ages ago, wishing not to see the proof of her irritating worry over that putrid toerag. What did she expect? Severus to go to tea with her and her _boyfriend_ , to attend their fucking wedding? That's undoubtedly what she was after – resuming their friendship like nothing had happened, like she hadn't ever kissed him and ground against his lap, and moaned in his mouth in pleasure! It was insufferable! Like he hadn't been humiliated enough! No – he would never let such a thing happen. And if the opportunity ever arose to arrange for the violent, painful death of James Potter, by Merlin, he would take it.

He fell asleep, much later, still thinking of her.


	15. Life outside these walls

Happy New Year! Sorry for taking so long to update, the end of the year was very busy. I'll try and update sooner next time! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

""

 _Sometimes I still feel that there are two of me: one clean, flawless picture, the other imperfect and cracked; one boy, one girl; one voice that speaks aloud and one that whispers in my ear; one publicly known to have been troubled but be on the mend, the other who has privately lost something to do with innocence and gained something to do with knowledge and adulthood that can never be undone. I feel sometimes there are things that tear me in two directions, that there are two sets of thoughts that grow side by side._

Abigail Tarttelin

""

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Snape", the man said and held out his hand, which Severus shook. The man smiled brightly. "Augustus Rookwood. Please have a seat."

Severus took the proffered seat on the opposite side of the enormous, dark wooden writing desk. Rookwood sat informally on the edge of the table and opened a heavy folder made out of leather, taking out the parchments contained within. Severus recognised a brief glimpse of the upside down copy of his N.E.W.T.'s grades, before Rookwood took it in his hand.

"Very good, Mr. Snape", Rookwood said, eyeing his grades with raised eyebrows. "Let's see - Outstanding, Outstanding, Outstanding... how very... outstanding."

And he winked merrily and chuckled at his own little crack, laying the parchment back on the table. Severus shifted in his seat. For an Unspeakable, the man seemed surprisingly extroverted, very unlike the glum bearded old man and his silent assistant who had interviewed Severus the first time around. Severus deeply mistrusted strangers who smiled too much.

"So! Let's see..." Rookwood said and took out another parchment, skimming its contents. "Only child... city of birth, Cokeworth... House, Slytherin... mother, Eileen Snape, neé Prince. Now deceased."

He let the hand holding the parchment drop and stared at Severus. Severus lifted his chin and stared right back at him. Rookwood smiled.

"Sorry about this. Unfortunately I must ask some questions about your private life, too. You understand... " His smile turned slightly apologetic. "It's the nature of the job. We can't leave any stone unturned."

"Of course", Severus said, but felt uncomfortable. Whatever it was that Rookwood intended to ask him was, by default, more than he was willing to share – in fact, the list of stale facts the man had just read from the parchment had already crossed that line. Severus tried not to look too discouraging as he fixed his eyes upon the man. Rookwood got up, went to discreetly close the door, and then returned to the edge of the table where he towered over Severus. He wondered whether it was some sort of purposeful power play masked as informality, and straightened his back, staring at the man rather defiantly.

"Are you unmarried?" Rookwood asked. "Living alone?"

"Yes. And yes."

"Any... special someones?" Another smile.

"...No."

"When did your mother pass away? If you'll excuse my impudence..."

"A little over a year ago. In February."

"And how did she come to pass away? If you don't mind me asking..."

Severus fought against the sneer that threatened to appear on his face. He did mind, thank you very much. What the hell did these questions have to do with anything? Rookwood continued to gaze at him, an expectant look on his face.

"Accident with a Mandrake", Severus said.

"Ah." Rookwood smiled emphatically and rustled his papers. "Nasty plants, those. One of my uncles went the same way - mistook it for a bonsai..."

Severus said nothing.

"Were you close to your mother?"Rookwood asked, sounding almost off-handed, not lifting his eyes from the papers.

Severus blinked. What the hell was this – an impromptu attempt at a therapy session?

"Um. Moderately", he said.

Rookwood smiled again, nodding encouragingly. "Go on."

Severus felt a little irritated. What did his mother have to do with anything? He didn't want to talk about his family with this man. Or with anyone, for that matter.

"She was my mother", he said finally, shrugging. "I spent a large part of the year at Hogwarts. We drifted apart, as is normal under the circumstances, I suppose."

Rookwood nodded, looking pleased at his admission.

"Of course, of course... And your father? I see there's no mention of him here", Rookwood said and eyed the papers in his hand as though new information might appear there at any moment. "Is he still alive?"

"I'm unable to say, I'm afraid", Severus said, pursing his lips and raising his chin. "I never knew my father. My mother never spoke about him. I assume he was of the Snape family in Northern Ireland - but I have never tried to contact him or any other members of the family to confirm this."

There was a brief silence. Severus shifted in his chair, but didn't turn his eyes away from Rookwood's.

"Very well", Rookwood said and turned his eyes back towards the parchment. "Any other deceased family members?"

"No."

"... Or deceased friends?"

"No."

Rookwood put the parchment down on the table and gave Severus yet another smile.

"Very well then. Everything seems to be in order. Superb, in fact!" And he clapped his hands together in excitement. "So. On to the last question – when can you start?"

Severus relaxed and flashed a brief smile at Rookwood, not particularly surprised but glad that the intrusion to his privacy was over.

"I am graduating next week. I can start immediately after that. Whatever suits you."

"I admire your work ethic already", Rookwood chuckled. "But after studying hard all term long, I'm certain you prefer a week or two of leisure before starting. I suggest June 19th, what do you think?"

"June 19 suits me very well. Thank you, Mr. Rookwood." Severus wasn't particularly looking forwards to going back to Spinner's End where he'd have nothing to do all day but woefully wander about the old house and miserably wallow in his memories. At least work would undoubtedly serve to take his mind off of things. But he tried to look grateful for Rookwood's suggestion.

"Please – call me Gus. Most people do. Well – that, or "old Rookwood", but I much prefer Gus", he smiled, teeth sparkling. "'Old Rookwood' makes me feel like my grandfather."

Severus nodded, hoping ridiculous nicknames weren't a thing at the Department of Mysteries. It just didn't feel right to call a man Rookwood's age Gus. Although he had to admit the man had a point – it was better than 'old Rookwood'.

Rookwood got up from the corner of the desk, and extended his hand again. Severus rose from his seat and took his hand.

"Thank you for coming in", Rookwood said, squeezing his hand. "Come at 9 on June 19th. The job description will be specified further then - after you've signed the contract, of course."

"Thank you, Mr. Rookwood. Gus, I mean", Severus said as Rookwood raised his eyebrows. "I look forwards to it."

Severus stepped out of Rookwood's office, nodding at the man one last time before shutting the door behind himself. The noise of the buzzing Ministry encircled him as he made his way along the corridor towards the downstairs Atrium. The interview had been bizarre, but not nearly as stressful as the first one had been, since he'd already known the job would be his. Severus felt rather light as he walked along the corridors, where dignified-looking witches and wizards made their way from one office to the other, carrying or floating piles of papers and books, and where owls rushed over their heads carrying urgent messages to their recipients.

Unlike Hogwarts, the Ministry wasn't a particularly quirky establishment. The magic was controlled and refined here, its users dignified and accomplished. Severus found himself admiring the prestigious atmosphere as he eyed the marble floors (which were covered in owl droppings in places; there were cleaners hard at work everywhere he turned) and the Ministry employees whose ranks were easy to spot from the way they carried themselves, or from the way they dressed. Severus could feel it: he belonged here. He saw in his mind's eye himself as he would be once he worked here: equally dignified and respected as any one of these people now walking past him; a world away from the Severus who had been bullied, who wore school robes and who shared a dormitory with peers whose company he didn't particularly enjoy. Rookwood with his nicknames and chattiness had seemed like a bad omen, but certainly most Unspeakables had to be more like that old grumpy interviewer and his assistant? Blissfully silent and minding their business, that is. Yes, Severus was almost certain he would very much enjoy working here. His step was light as he descended to the Atrium, where the countless fireplaces flashed emerald to reveal more and more employees on their way in. He stepped into one of the fireplaces and soon found himself standing in the fireplace of Spinner's End's sitting room, from there continuing his way to Hogwarts by Disapparating to Hogsmeade.

It was almost noon, and he walked leisurely towards the Shrieking Shack, enjoying the warmth of early June. Hogsmeade was fuller than usual. The exams were over, it was Friday, and it was the last Hogsmeade weekend of the term. In the case of seventh year students, their very last Hogsmeade weekend ever, at least as Hogwarts students. Severus saw several of his classmates on his way. He passed by Generia and her chatty group of friends, whom she had seemed to welcome back into her life after shunning them during their brief... well, relationship. Or whatever it had been. Generia gave him a sour look as she walked over to some Hufflepuff boy and pushed her hand decidedly into his; Severus passed them by without sparing another glance at the couple.

As he walked past the Three Broomsticks, he saw the familiar red haired figure of Lily Evans as she was just about to step through the door; he couldn't help staring at her greedily for the brief moment she was within his field of vision. She was with MacDonald and Greengrass, who were holding hands. Lily was walking a little behind them, and looked a little miserable. Or was he just imagining it? Or hoping it? The door of the bar closed behind her before he could make up his mind. She hadn't seen him. He quickly glanced around himself, a little worried someone – Potter, perhaps - might've seen him leering at her like a creep, but nobody paid any attention to him.

Severus continued towards the Shrieking Shack, where he found, to his vexation, a couple of third year students leering at the old house through the fence, arguing over which one had the guts to go in to Britain's most haunted house.

"No, _you_ do it! I heard the ghosts there are, like, _so_ violent... my brother said you can hear trashing and wailing from inside some nights..."

"Don't be silly, Arn – ghosts can't break stuff... maybe Peeves is using it as his weekend house..."

"You know", Severus said conversationally as he walked to stand next to the young boys, who whirled around to look up at him. "When I was your age, I once made a bet with my friend, and the loser had to go in to search for ghosts. My friend lost the bet."

The boys stared at him, taken aback at his sudden appearance. The other pushed his hands in his pockets and spat on the ground, trying to look tough.

"Yeah?" he asked defiantly. "Well - what was in there, then? He see any ghosts?"

Severus eyed the boy coldly. "I don't know. He never came back out."

"Let's go, Timothy", the more timid-looking boy said nervously and backed away from the fence.

"He's just messing with us", the other said, but eyed the shack with a startled look on his face, and seemed a little relieved when his friend pulled him after himself. Severus waited until they were far off before stepping in through the drooping gate. He frowned as he noticed that the door to the shack was ajar; he'd been there to move his books the night before, and was certain the door had been closed then.

Taking his wand out, Severus quietly sneaked in through the door. The corridor in front of him was empty, but his skin prickled; he was certain he was not alone in the house. The corridor was dusty and dark, and he felt the old terror try and claim his heart as the floorboards creaked and the slowly moving walls sighed in the shadows – the horrid vision of a drooling werewolf at the end of this very hallway had never truly left him in peace. But he quickly pulled himself together and proceeded. It was still light, and the next full moon wasn't until Monday. He had nothing to worry about, save for perhaps some school boy or another, as foolish as the two who had been outside, someone who'd gotten it into his head to sneak in and have a look at the haunted old house. But he couldn't help the little hairs on his arms rise up as he soundlessly glided over the floor, avoiding the creaking floorboards.

As he started descending the stairs, he suddenly heard someone speak, and stopped, holding his breath.

"- this old house, but at least it will be the last time, huh?"

"Well, I don't know. At least this was a safe place. I suppose I'll need to move somewhere really remote, now..." Severus recognised the voice as belonging to Lupin.

"We'll visit a lot. Well, you know. In three months when we return from Greece", said a voice Severus recognised as Black's.

Severus sneaked in closer to the room where the voices were coming from. The door was half-ajar, and a light was flickering through the crack. Several figures were moving inside; probably all of them, Severus thought and his lip curled in the darkness.

"You're always welcome to ours if you get lonely", said Potter's voice, and Severus saw him through the crack between the door and the doorframe as he passed by the door. "I mean it. Even when I'm not there. Since Lily will be living there on her own for so long, I'm sure she won't mind your company until I come back – I don't think she felt quite at home in the manor, you know, it being so big and all..."

Severus let his wand arm fall weakly against his side. _Lily was moving in with Potter? To his... manor?_

"...in fact, if you promise not to try and get your way with her – just joking, mate, don't look at me like that! - I don't think it'd be a problem to convince her it's a good idea you move in there with her for the time being. As long as you go somewhere else for full moon, of course", Potter continued.

"I don't know", Lupin said, sounding hesitant.

"Actually, it's a brilliant idea, now that I think of it – no, listen, Mooney", Potter said. "You know what's happening to Muggleborns, right. Bad stuff. Especially to pretty Muggleborn girls like her. It's those bloody Death Eaters – I talked with old Mad-Eye at the funeral. He told me awful things about what they do. I'd feel a lot better about leaving her behind if you were there to take care of her."

"Well... if she wouldn't mind it..." Lupin said, sounding hesitant still, but like he was thinking it over.

"She won't", Potter said impatiently. "And if she does... well, I'll just pout a bit and she'll say yes to anything. Eventually. It's my secret weapon, really."

Black laughed. "Charming, mate. Is that the way you'll handle the proposal, too? Pout until she says yes?"

"Laugh all you want, Padfoot, but they do say all's fair in love and war... And besides, I'll tell you right now – when it comes to Lily, resilience definitely pays off. Hey – the fact that I'm shagging her is proof enough of that..."

Severus had heard enough. If he could've, he would've gladly covered his ears and pretended he wasn't hearing what he was hearing. In a matter of moments, he'd learned more terrible details about the relationship between Lily and Potter than he'd ever wanted to know in his life. Words like "manor", "proposal" and "shagging" made him want to violently throw up all over the floor. Or alternatively, walk inside and slit Potter's throat, watch his blood spill over the shack's dusty floorboards, watch him gurgle and try and resuscitate the bleeding, while Black and Lupin stared in mute horror... for a moment Severus was lost in his blood-lusty fantasies. But Potter wasn't quite done yet.

"You know, my father once told me something that I've found to be true. _Women just don't know what they want, so you have to know for them, and never take no for an answer._ Take Lily for instance - I always knew she fancied me, right? And what do you know – all it took was some Potion to make her run into my lap and snog me senseless. But would she have done it had I not, uh, helped her along? No. Because _she didn't even know she fancied me._ Bless my father. He really was the best..." Potter's voice trailed.

"Well, I propose a toast", Black said briskly. "To the memory of your wise old father - and to your lovely mother, whom he managed to cunningly marry despite her qualms. May your advances with the equally lovely Lily "Ice Queen" Evans be just as successful. Oh, yeah – and lest we forget, let's also drink to the last full moon here in this sad old shack!"

"Cheers", Potter and Lupin said. There was a clinking sound, then a brief silence as the men drank whatever they had stashed up. Severus felt oddly weak; he'd crashed back down from his earlier delusions of grandiosity, hard. Old feelings of powerlessness filled him; no matter what he did, no matter how bright his future – someone else still had what he desired most, someone else still had it all. _Would_ have it all. And of course that someone had to be _Potter,_ the spoiled brat _,_ who'd never had to work for anything in his life. The grandiosity of the Ministry of Magic seemed a world away now, and Severus again felt like nothing but a schoolboy... he squeezed the wand in his hand, and felt himself tremble in emotion. Graduation couldn't come fast enough, as far as he was concerned. He'd leave all this shit behind. He'd leave behind this blind Lily who'd let herself to be manipulated and taken in by someone she knew to be nothing but a filthy toerag, and who wanted _him_ to be okay with it...

"Where's Wormtail?" Lupin asked. "He's late."

"Probably got lost, the bloody idiot", Black said. "You'd think that after seven years -"

"Sirius", Remus said with a sigh. "You should stop that."

"Stop what?"

" _That._ For weeks now, you've been at everyone's back, relentlessly. It's just... sorry, but it's getting tiresome."

"Should have known _you'd_ have too sensitive skin to not recognise a joke when -"

"Oh, for heaven's sake..."

"Just shut up, the both of you", James said suddenly. "I think I heard something."

Severus froze, even momentarily stopping breathing. Had he been making noise? Hearing quickly approaching steps from outside the door, the willed himself to become Disillusioned, not even having the time to raise his wand. Before he had the time to check whether he'd succeeded in his hasty attempt, the door opened, and Potter's loathsome face appeared in the doorway - staring directly at him.

His eyes seemed to bore into Severus's, who instinctively raised his wand, ready to curse Potter, but no, he couldn't see him – his eyes moved from Severus's face to the space behind him as he craned his neck towards the staircase, trying to see if someone was there. Severus noticed he looked tired; he had stubble and an uncharacteristically cranky look on his face. But after peering into the corridor, Potter seemed to relax and turned back into the room, where Black and Lupin were sipping something out of golden goblets they had probably nicked from the kitchens.

"Who cares even if there is? It's not like we're doing anything forbidden..." Black said. "And it's not even time for Mooney's hairy little problem."

"Shhh..." Lupin said in exasperation.

"Yeah, it's just that..." Potter started, but was interrupted by a door opening at the hallway – the door leading to the tunnel and the Whomping Willow. Potter grabbed his wand and whirled back around – Severus silently ducked in case Potter's rashness would send hexes flying about - but it was only Pettigrew who appeared, his breath whizzing.

"Oh", Potter said indifferently. "It's just you."

"S-sorry I'm late", Pettigrew said and clutched at his side. "You didn't drink it all yet, did you?"

"Just get in", Potter said and pushed his wand back into his pocket, turning back towards the room and grabbing his goblet from atop a chair missing its leg. "Thought it was one of those Slytherin creeps or something... Mulciber's been sneaking around lately, staring at us oddly... creeping Lily out... I don't think he took it well when he lost to her in that practice match. "

"Yeah, she got pretty lucky with that win", Black said. "Thought she'd be toast myself. Anyway – what took you so long, Wormtail? Got lost?"

"N-no..." Pettigrew said, walking in behind Potter – Severus silently slumped against the door to let him pass – and wiping sweat off his brow. "I met Dumbledore on the way. Get this – he asked us all to go into his office tonight at eight! Well - us, and Lily, Mary MacDonald and Frank and Alice, too."

"What? Why?" Potter asked. "We haven't done anything! Well. Anything he'd know of, anyway."

"Oh, no way", Sirius said in a disgusted tone. "I'm not going anywhere with Mary."

"Oh, get over it _already,_ Padfoot... just 'cause she's the only girl who's ever dumped you doesn't mean you have to avoid her..."

"I wonder what Dumbledore wants", Lupin said pensively. "Did he say what it's about, Peter?"

"No... just that it was "of the utmost importance"... you don't think it's... maybe he found out I cheated in D.A.D.A. theory exams?" Peter asked, sounding distressed.

"Unlikely, unless he's decided to hold half our class accountable for your stupidity" Black sneered. "Fine. Let's just go there and find out, then."

"I'll have to get going", Potter said. "Lily's waiting for me at the Three Broomsticks, and I think I'll quickly pop in to to the shops to buy something nice for her. Lingerie, I think..."

"So, are you getting a gift for her, or for you?" Black said and everybody laughed. Severus gritted his teeth. Potter handed his goblet over to Pettigrew.

"Here, finish this. See you back at the common room at latest – before eight. I'll let Lily and Mary know. You find Frank and Alice."

Severus pressed himself against the door as Potter walked past him. Potter was smiling smugly to himself as he went, and an almost unquenchable desire to smack him in his stupid fucking face gripped Severus. He couldn't help his childish whim – he put ahead his foot and tripped Potter, who almost fell over, letting out a yelp, and then hit his leg against a cupboard by the side of the wall. He straightened himself, cussing as he felt his leg. He eyed the place where Severus's foot had been just a moment ago, and for a moment Severus was afraid he'd guess he was there – but then Potter seemed to decide he'd tripped over the threshold, and limped up the stairs, still rubbing his leg. Severus felt some amount of satisfaction, mixed in with slight embarrassment over his undignified behaviour. All right, so it hadn't _exactly_ been the same as slitting Potter's throat, but...

The rest of the Marauders began talking about Black's recent and unexplained breakup with Mary MacDonald. Severus couldn't have cared less, so he quietly sneaked to the door leading towards the Whomping Willow, which Pettigrew had left ajar. He tried very hard not to think about Potter shopping lingerie for Lily, and tried to keep the mental image of her wearing whatever it was that Potter bought out of his head; but he couldn't help it. The vision his mind's eye conjured up was Lily lying on a bed, wearing a black, racy thing, inviting, not Potter but himself, in with her... with a mixture of anger and arousal, Severus made his way towards the castle, and from there to the Slytherin common room, and from there to the dorms, and from there to the thankfully empty showers... where he spent a good half an hour wrapped up in an elaborate fantasy involving Lily both with and without the black lacy negligee, on her knees and wet and begging for him...

The truth was that ever since Slughorn's party, he'd been virtually obsessed with thoughts of shagging her. While he'd always fantasised of it, the fantasies had changed greatly after what had transpired on that Valentine's Day. Earlier he'd thought of what their hypothetical first time together might have been like, had fantasised about making love to her. But his anger and disappointment at Lily had now mixed in with his lust and conjured up powerful fantasies where he dominated her, punished her for all that she'd done by fucking her mercilessly, where she begged him to fuck her even harder, told him he was so much better than Potter had ever been, that he wanted nobody else inside her, just him, faster and harder...

Later, when he sat on the shower floor washing himself, hating Potter and his good fortune, a stray thought suddenly wandered into his head: Potter had had a point. He'd gotten Lily because, being the meatheaded idiot he was, he hadn't taken no for an answer, pestering her for years until she'd caved in. Was that something Lily wanted? Relentlessness? Had she just caved in to Potter's advances out of pure spinelessness? The idea angered Severus, not least because it suggested that perhaps _he_ would have had a chance with Lily, had he not given in quite so easily. He stored away the thought, making a note to think of it later.

And Potter was leaving her for months at a time, it seemed. Severus felt unreasonably angry at that; what the hell was he thinking, running off abroad in the middle of a war, leaving Lily to fend for herself? While Potter apparently well understood the danger she was in, he'd rather choose a nice tan over her safety. The imbecil! He was careless in a way that only spoiled brats could be, not understanding the value of things – not understanding that things could be forever broken and lost, and that some things couldn't be fixed with gold...

Severus felt some amount of increased dignity for himself as he contemplated upon the many vices and flaws of James Potter. Potter was lazy, arrogant and careless; a man who had everything in the world without deserving any of it, and who couldn't be bothered to use his name and his heritage because he didn't understand their advantageousness. In that respect, Severus knew he had an advantage. When the government would finally fall completely apart, he would have a promising future ahead, while Potter would be left without useful connections, and to top it all off be branded a blood traitor for flaunting his relationship with Lily and his loyalty to Dumbledore so publicly. For a moment Severus wondered if he'd care for becoming a blood traitor for Lily; he decided he wouldn't, but also considered himself clever enough to find a way to avoid that fate completely.

Severus would become so much more than Potter. From what he'd heard, it seemed like it wouldn't be impossible to fast achieve status and gold in the Dark Lord's ranks. If he'd play his cards right, he'd finally be equal to Potter in every way that mattered. He would also have the means to protect Lily if she was ever in trouble; Death Eaters would not touch her if a high ranking member forbade it. Yes - while Potter undoubtedly intended to live off his family money, Severus would make something out of himself. A stray thought entered his head as he washed his hair; would Lily look at him differently, if he were able to provide her with anything Potter could, and more? Would she look at him like he wasn't just her old friend from an impoverished area of Cokeworth, someone who was below her in both class and in looks... but instead, like he was someone whom she could take seriously, who could offer her anything that any other man could...

The far-fetched idea excited him so much that he spent another fifteen minutes in the shower, reliving his sexual fantasy of Lily and that black negligee. God, yes. He wanted to make her beg for him, to beg him to take her hard, ( _please Sev please fuck me you make me so wet)_ , and for the first time in a long, long time, he experienced a brief flash of something resembling hope...

""

Lily stepped on the podium, biting her lip nervously as all eyes turned towards her. Her Head Girl badge attached to the front of her white graduation robes flashed in the candlelight as she rolled open the parchment. She looked small up there, even when wearing her pointed hat, standing in the spot where Dumbledore had recently stood. Severus let his eyes roam over her, for once being able to do so freely; it was dark in the Great Hall, the light of the candles burning more dimly than usual. The atmosphere was ceremonial.

"I remember the first day I came to Hogwarts", Lily started. Her voice quivered a little, and she cleared her throat. "I remember sitting in the train and thinking that it was the first day of my new, magical life. The first time I saw this castle, I knew it was true – it was better than I ever could have imagined it to be. This school has been more than just a place for studying for me and, I believe, for most of us. This has been a home, and a sanctuary, and a place of learning. A whole new chapter of my life started here, and it was at this school that I grew up to be what I am today: a witch. An adult. Many things have changed in the past seven years. I have learned a lot – I no longer light my hair on fire when I try to light up my wand, for instance -" there was laughter in the crowd, which quickly died down "- and I have also learned a great deal about myself, and about the world."

Lily was quiet for a moment, rustling the parchment in front of her. Severus thought of their first day at Hogwarts, how they'd stepped on the train hand in hand, babbling excitedly about all the spells they could now practice. He devoured her with his eyes; she looked thinner than he remembered, her face more mature. The pure white of her robes set the red of her hair alight. Professor Slughorn was wiping his eyes in his sleeve behind Lily - Professor McGonagall reached out her hand to pat him comfortingly on the shoulder. Lily raised her green eyes from the parchment; they gleamed in the light of the candles. She took a shaky breath and continued.

"Now, seven years after I first arrived to this school and opened up my first textbooks, it's finally time for a new chapter. Time to go out and explore what life has to offer beyond these walls. Time to find other sanctuaries. Other lessons in life. Other places to call home. On behalf of all of us students here, I want to thank the Professors and other staff of Hogwarts, for their continuing patience and guidance. And I personally want to thank my fellow students and friends; without you, my time here would not have been nearly as magical as it was. Today is the first day of our new life. Let's go out and turn the first page. Thank you."

The students erupted into applause. Some stomped their feet against the floor so that the goblets shook on the tables. Severus heard a wolf-whistle from the Gryffindor table, and turned to see Black throw his pointed hat up in the air. Lily stepped off the podium, smiled shyly at Dumbledore who came to claim back the podium; he briefly put his hand on her shoulder as he passed, smiling and saying something. Lily walked away from the platform and hurried to the Gryffindor table; Severus saw Potter wrap his arms around her and whisper something in her ear. He wanted to vomit at the sight.

"Thank you for the wonderful speech, miss Evans", said Dumbledore, clapping his hands together softly and nodding at the Gryffindor table, then turning to smile serenely at the sea of faces in front of him. "Graduation. It is a remarkable time. A rare occasion, when it's appropriate to feel both sadness and joy at the same time. I remember my own graduation – although it was so long ago I hardly have the gall to confess how long it's been. I gave my heart to Hogwarts, and Hogwarts never gave it back; graduation never changed my feelings about belonging here in the slightest. But since not every one of you shall presumably graduate to become wistful old wizards looking for a way to move back to this castle, I wish you the best of luck in whatever roads in life you may choose. But I do wish to leave you a few words of wisdom, and a warning."

Morland leaned towards Horton to whisper loudly: "Just shut up already, old mould-ear... Nobody's interested in your ramblings. This is worse than that sob story the Mudblood just cooked up, for Merlin's sake..."

Horton sniggered. Severus felt a flash of anger and had to purse his lips to not say something he'd later regret. His eyes lingered in the Gryffindor table; Potter was leaning his head against Lily's shoulder. Severus turned his eyes back towards the Headmaster.

"...There is a storm brewing outside these walls. Many of you will get caught up in it, one way or another. Some of you already know people who have ended up hurt, or even dead. I advise you: stay true to your moral characters. Love will unite us, but hate, scheming and jealousy will tear us apart. Do not give in to temptation. Be strong. And know, that Hogwarts is always there for those who seek sanctuary. _I_ am always here if you need help."

Severus sneered in the darkness. _You were never there for me. A new time is dawning – a time where those who have the will to seek power and change the world will rule. Step aside, old man._

Dumbledore smiled widely over his halfmoon spectacles. He raised his hands. "Now, for the final time: enjoy the feast, and the company of one another! There will be no curfew tonight!"

The crowd applauded again. Dumbledore waved his wand and the lights dimmed even further. Music started playing somewhere even though no band was visible. The plates filled with food.

"Just imagine", Horton said as he reached for the stew. "Tomorrow at this time – no more school! Never again! No more of that shrew old hag McGonagall... no classes. No homework!"

 _And no Hogwarts... no breakfast or supper in the Great Hall under the candles and the sky... no Lily, seven floors up in the Gryffindor tower..._

"Right", Evan said and grimaced. "No school – just work, for the rest of our lives..."

"What would you know about work?" Horton laughed. "You won't have to work a day in your life!"

"You are wrong – my father has demanded me to apply for a position at the Ministry... says it's good for me, and that it might be advantagious in the future."

Severus didn't listen. He felt sad and joyous at the same time, just like Dumbledore had described. But also excitement. In fact, he felt like he was about to shake off the shackles of his teenage existence, and finally enter the world of dignified adulthood for good. The idea was incredibly liberating. And besides, as far as he was concerned, the Hogwarts golden years had ended for him two years ago, when Lily had taken away her presence in his life. She was what had made Hogwarts so magical. He glanced at the Gryffindor table again; Potter's hand was on Lily's thigh, but she had turned her head towards Mary who was sitting on the other side of her. Pursing his lips, Severus discreetly pointed his wand at Potter's hand, concentrating upon aiming...

"Ouch!" Potter yelped so loud it rang all the way to Slytherin table and pulled his hand away. To Severus's irritation, Lily turned towards Potter to inspect the red blisters which had appeared on the back of his hand. Potter turned around to look at Severus, immediately guessing the culprit to his sudden injury – Severus coldly eyed him right back, mustering all of his loathing into the look. Really, in the honour of his last day as a student – why couldn't he be a little childish?

The feast lasted long that evening. Unlike on other evenings, the House segregation seemed to momentarily vanish as students moved from one table to the other, saying teary goodbyes to their friends, and nobody was in a hurry to go to bed. Severus kept glancing at Lily, torn between wanting to go to his dorms, and between staying up and memorising every angle of her back, and the exact shade her hair looked in the shimmering candlelight. He didn't know when he'd next see her. Why wasn't she going back to Cokeworth, anyway? Was she so in love with Potter she couldn't wait a day to move into his fucking _manor_? Severus had never not known where she was, and to his surprise, even after all that had happened, even after avoiding her like the plague for months, he found himself terrified of the thought. But then he remembered he'd only need to find out where Potter lived to be able to find her if need be. Hardly difficult, considering that his family was well-known and lived in a fucking _manor._ Of course they did...

Severus felt wistful as he imagined how things would be if he was still in contact with Lily, even as just a friend. They too, would be sitting together, for the first and last time in all their school years. He'd probably be in the Gryffindor table, sitting somewhere away from Potter and his gang, Lily by his side, and she'd give him a teary hug and he'd try to hide his raging erection, and they'd reminisce on their years... and tomorrow, they'd sit together on the train, chatting about their plans... Severus wondered what Lily would do after graduation. Due to the recent restrictions, Muggleborns had a hard time finding places of employment; Severus was sorry this affected Lily, as she was clearly a particularly skilled witch, very unlike most other Muggleborns, _special_. Gritting his teeth, Severus thought Potter would likely throw so much gold her way that she wouldn't even need to work. Potter seemed the type who didn't consider work to be anything other but an inconvenience to be avoided, not the opportunity which Severus considered employment to be.

"I'm going to bed", Severus muttered to his dorm mates and got up without waiting for an answer. As he passed the Gryffindor table, another idea occurred to him, just in case – he cast a strong locating spell to Lily's back as he passed her by. As he disappeared through the Great Hall's doors, he could faintly sense her in the back of his mind, could sense the stone walls of the Great Hall and the mass of people around her. He'd leave no loose ends; wouldn't allow her to disappear without a trace.

The following morning dawned; it was a windy and cloudy day. Severus stared at the clouds of the Great Hall's ceiling and he tried to memorise every candle, every stone in the walls. Would he ever return here? Most likely not. But, like Dumbledore, Severus felt like he'd given the school his heart, and it would always remain his favourite place in the world. He ate alone, being up earlier than nearly anyone else; students usually woke up quite late on the day the school ended. A part of him wished Lily would show up at the Great Hall, that he'd catch a last glimpse of her in this surrounding, but of course she didn't. She was probably asleep still, perhaps with Potter. Severus didn't dare Scan her, did not wish to sense her in Potter's arms. Severus lost his appetite thinking of it, and decided to go and take a walk.

He'd already packed his trunk last night after the feast and had nothing better to do, so he wandered around the quiet corridors and grounds for the last time, looking at the ghosts, portraits, and the wind-beat surface of the lake, deciding he'd never forget a single thing about the school. Finally, as students started swarming in the corridors, dragging their trunks behind them and chatting about their summer plans, he returned to the Slytherin common room to fetch his own trunk. The other boys were there already, reminiscing upon their school years. Severus would've wished he could've left the school completely alone, but found himself unable to come up with any excuse to not remain in their company. When they left the dormitory and made their way towards the train, he realised he hadn't really even remembered to look at the common room before leaving.

As he sat in the train's compartment with the boys and stared at the grey landscape, he heard a familiar voice from outside the compartment. He turned his head to see Potter peek inside the compartment.

"Nah, this one's taken and smells like rotten Slytherins", he said as he pulled his head back in. "Come on, Lils."

And Severus watched, Lily peeked inside the compartment, her hand in Potter's bandaged hand. Her eyes moved from Morland and Evan to Severus. He looked back at her, and did he just imagine it? It seemed like she gave him something resembling a slight, sad smile, before Potter pulled her after him. Morland hissed when she was gone.

"That bloody Mudblood doesn't know her place", he said. "And Potter disgusts me even more - the filthy Blood traitor."

"Oh, shut your mouth, Morland", Severus surprised himself as the words escaped his lips. Everyone turned towards him in apparent surprise, and he stared back, defying anyone to object to his choice of words. He felt white hot anger course in his veins. That word, 'Mudblood', had been pure poison to his ears ever since it had destroyed his friendship with Lily, and he hated it when Morland referred to her with such crudeness. Morland smiled coldly.

"Oh, right. I forgot you used to spend time with her", he said. "Perhaps you should remember where your loyalties lie, though. I don't take it kindly when people tell me what to do or what not to do."

Severus didn't answer, but turned his head back towards the landscapes flashing by. He Scanned Lily from a few compartments away, sensing the room around her, Potter's presence next to her, and soon Black, Lupin and Pettigrew joined them. The way the locator spell worked was that he couldn't exactly see the place where she was, but he could pinpoint her location and surroundings quite accurately, and could sense whether or not she was with other people. Her presence in the back of his head gave him some comfort, and he Scanned her for most of the ride, thankful for having come to think of this handy little spell. Now that he thought of it, he couldn't understand why it hadn't occurred to use it earlier – it would've given him relief from missing her on those lonely summers when he'd wondered what she was doing...

The train continued its way towards London, where Severus would Disapparate to Cokeworth as soon as it arrived. As he dragged his trunk out of the train, he continued to Scan for Lily in his mind. She came out from another side of the train. He didn't catch a glimpse of her again, and so he bid his goodbyes to Morland, Evan and Horton (who promised him they'd soon see him again 'when called') and turned to leave Platform Nine and Three Quarters for the very last time.

He wondered when he'd see Lily again.

""

I had a hard time with this chapter, because as you can see, I had to skip ahead in time, assuming that nobody likes to read chapter-fuls of their last months in Hogwarts, where story-wise nothing much happened at this time.

Please leave a review, and thanks for those of you who have reviewed last chapter! :)


	16. Free lunch, free supper

Gahhh! I accidentally uploaded the wrong version of this chapter - managed to delete it in about 30 seconds, but I really hope none of you had the time to click on it, since I've noticed that some of you are really quick!

This will be such a long chapter! And it's taken me ages, and two separate attempts, to write (the first attempt resembled too much of a laundry list of stuff I had to squeeze into the same chapter rather than something actually enjoyable - that's the one I accidentally uploaded first, so hope nobody had the time to read it). I have also almost finished two subsequent chapters. There will be Lily/Severus interaction in the next one!

Enjoy & please let me know what you think.

""

 _There is the past, and there is the future. The present is never more than the single second dividing one from the other. We live poised on that second as it's hurtling forward—toward what?_

 _-Laini Taylor_

 _""_

The first two weeks of June passed excruciatingly slowly. Severus was back at Spinner's End, in the house that was full of the ghosts of his past. Despite having graduated, despite having become an adult in all of the ways that counted, he felt miserably connected to his childhood in the house. His memories and his old self just wouldn't vanish no matter how much he wanted them to; the house and the Muggle district seemed to exist as a living monument to the Severus Snape who had been trapped in an impoverished life where his only ray of light had been escaping the house to meet Lily Evans, who was now conspicuously absent from his life and the entire town.

He spent the first days locked inside the house, Vanishing things he didn't wish to keep in his home – off went his fathers' clothes and the old ratty armchair which he always used to sit on, guzzling beer and watching the never ending football reruns when he wasn't at the corner pub or who-knows-where for nights on end; the same one where he sat also on his sober weeks, eyeing the door of the kitchen and the mudroom and looking for excuses to flare up to anyone who passed by. Severus also got rid of the collection of his father's (very) old high jumping medals from a time when he hadn't yet been a miserable old drunk who envied his wife's talents and who barely had the coordination necessary to climb up the stairs on his worse weeks. In fact, Severus cleaned away most of the Muggle stuff in the house, leaving behind only a select few electronic appliances, such as the fridge and some lamps. He hid the telephone into a closet, unable to throw it away (he had fond memories of late-night phone calls with Lily) but not wanting it to remain in his sight.

Severus tried to give the TV a chance and spent an afternoon channel-flipping through the mindless Muggle shows. He watched half of some kind of a zombie film, raising his eyebrows at the ketchup-looking blood which squirted comically from the necks of the screaming victims. The only possible reason he'd ever have enjoyed such inaccuracies was if Lily had been there with him, scornfully pointing out the mistakes but still shrieking and grabbing his arm at unexpected jump scares, and trying inconspicuously to hide her eyes behind her hand when she was expecting them – she'd probably thought he didn't notice, as he hadn't dared laugh at her out of fear she'd get embarrassed and want to quit watching the films with him. Thinking of those times with tenderness, he switched the channel in the middle of a gruesome flesh binge. Then he spent some five minutes watching football in the memory of his father, trying to understand what was so interesting about kicking a deadbeat ball across a muddy field – unable to, he again swung his wand to switch the channel. Shopping channel was next; a shirtless, oiled man with long curly hair and a short beard advertised a cream which would allegedly make anyone's beard grow into a luscious, lady-enchanting erotic mane of pure manliness. Unlikely – unless the cream contained whisked eggs of a patuca bird and loads of magic, which Severus very much doubted. Finally he came to the conclusion that he didn't get why anyone would waste their time with such an inane invention as television – he carried the TV upstairs to the now-unused bedroom of his parents, where he buried the thing under piles of his mothers' old clothes, which he in the end hadn't had the heart to get rid of. Finally he moved on to his own miserably bleak bedroom, where he Vanished everything in his sight, until the room was echoing emptiness.

When the house was finally empty of the old ratty furnishings, he started drawing new ones in their place. He rather revelled in positioning new bookcases over the spot on the wooden floor of the sitting room which still bore the worn-down marks of his father's armchair. When the furniture was ready, Severus went to the hidden basement accessible through the sitting room and carried up all the objects his mother had tried to hide from his father, and which she'd insisted on keeping hidden even after he was gone, delusionally refusing to believe he wouldn't be back; the books, the cauldrons, the laboratory kits, the dragon hide gloves and the albums full of moving photographs of his mother's teenage years. In the end, as Severus stood at the sitting room's entrance and admired his handiwork, he thought the house didn't look half bad now - or at least it was now less recognisable as the same house where he'd lived most of his oppressed youth. It was still dark and quite sparsely decorated, but he couldn't push his imagination enough to come up with anything more eye-pleasing than the angular grey and black furnishings he'd drawn.

Severus went to the Evans' house one evening after dark, although he knew she wouldn't be there. There was some middle-aged couple and their pigtail-haired young daughter living there now. He could see them through the sitting room window, watching TV and having dinner, seemingly living exactly the sort of an idyllic life as the house's former inhabitants; the sort of life that Severus had always pettily envied and found fascinating in all its untainted simplicity. The furniture was the same as it had been when Lily and her family lived there, he noted with confusion – perhaps her parents hadn't moved away permanently. Also the post box still bore the name Evans, and he ran his fingers over the faded letters as he stared at the upstairs window over the patio; Lily's old bedroom window.

He'd climbed up the fire escape which conveniently led directly into her room on so many evenings, back when they'd still been friends. Originally it had meant nothing more than friendly visits (they used to play with Lily's dollies, for Merlin's sake, he remembered and flushed violently in the darkness), but when they got older it had occurred to Severus that there was a certain erotic element to his evening visits; Lily barefoot in her pyjamas, hushing him as she listened at the door and made sure Petunia wasn't snooping around, him sitting on her bed as she sneaked under the spread. When they'd been younger, she'd sometimes asked him to come in with her if she was cold, but as they got older she'd stopped doing it.

He tried to remember how it had felt, lying in the bed with her – tender, nice. He vaguely remembered having felt the first ripples of something resembling sexual feelings for her back when they had been nine or ten, and she'd told him to close his eyes so she could test 'how much of a drunkard he was' – the 'test' consisted of her very slowly running her finger from the inside of his wrist up his arm, and he was supposed to tell her when she had reached the inside of his elbow (it was surprisingly difficult to tell). He had gotten goosebumps and thought it was the most pleasurable thing he's ever felt in his entire life. Even after getting the hang of it, he'd nearly always purposefully messed up so she'd repeat it, having quickly decided that it was his favourite game ever. They had done it so many times that Lily had tired of it and declared him the 'worst drunkard she'd ever tested'.

Severus often Scanned Lily. All throughout the beginning of June she was somewhere with lots of space, heavy furniture and high ceilings (probably at Potter's manor) and occasionally in London surrounded by people whose presence Severus didn't recognise; when Severus took out an old globe and concentrated, he could pinpoint her from St. Mungo 's Hospital. She didn't seem to move around much, just going back and forth those two locations, and sometimes popping by Diagon Alley. Then one day, Severus could no longer Scan her when she was at the Potter manor, and guessed the safety measures there had been upped.

For the rest of the slow-paced days, Severus practiced his old spells. His Secrumsempra Profundus was now impeccable; on a good day it could tear a wide treetrunk in half, and while the earlier and more feeble version he'd created during his school years had only caused a mild-ish easily treatable infection, it now induced a deadly high fever leading to the death of the victim if he didn't get immediate medical attention. Severus sometimes went by the riverbank to catch rats, bringing them to the back yard where he practised his newer inventions on them. He made their blood boil in their veins, and watched them shrivel from the inside. Later, when he thought about their gruesome deaths, he felt a little sick. But it didn't stop him from going back, finding new rats and new ways to take their lives, and a part of him revelled in having power over the miserable little animals. He buried them by the river near the mill, far away from the place where he and Lily used to play as children.

Finally, finally, the 19th of June dawned, and he found himself back at Rookwood's office, sweating as he read the contract before him, and cursing himself for not having come to think that of course the secrecy clause would be magically binding. He read and re-read the contract, trying in vain to find a loophole in the text.

 _I, **Severus Snape** , hereby agree to be silent of any work-related fact or secret that comes to my attention during my employment by the Ministry of Magic's Department of Mysteries. I agree to not give any information regarding my job description to another living soul, excluding reports directly to my superiors and leaders, OR as instructed by my superiors and leaders to reveal information to the newspapers, OR as instructed by my superiors and leaders to reveal information to buyers OR as instructed by my superiors and leaders to give information to other employees of the Department of Mysteries OR by the direct order of the Minister of Magic under code W. _

_I understand that the duty to protect the Department's secrets does not end even if my employment with the Department of Mysteries ends._

 _This oath will hold for as long as I live and throughout any subsequent forms of spiritual existence in this world. I hereby swear to forever bind my tongue._

 _Signature:__

Rookwood sat opposite to him, with an expectant look on his face.

"Everything all right, Severus?" He asked cheerfully and crossed his arms.

"Yes", Severus said and licked his dry lips. "What does this mean, 'reveal information to newspapers... or - or buyers?'"

"The Department has a list of appropriate newspapers personnel to whom some scraps of information are occasionally revealed when we have a breakthrough with some of the subjects we study here. Likewise, we have a very short list of buyers, who occasionally buy information or inventions from us - Hogwarts, for instance", Rookwood explained.

"And what about the code W, what is it?" Severus asked and eyed the contract again, thinking feverishly. There had to be a loophole somewhere...

"Code W means our current state – war", Rookwood said. "You will learn these things from the Department's official Handbook, which I have right here for you", he opened a drawer of his desk and pulled out a brown leather-bound volume, on the cover of which golden letters 'Guide to working at the Ministry of Magic' sparkled, and handed the book to Severus, looking almost amused. "Would you like some time to read this through, prior to signing the contract?"

"No need", Severus said with resign. He could hardly wish that the content of the contract would change no matter what the Department's Guidebook advised about convulting information to newspapers, so he took the quill from the holder and wrote his name under the contract, where the angular letters glistened wetly until they absorbed into the paper. The parchment rolled into a tight neat roll on its own, and a still-bubbling red seal carrying the Ministry's coat of arms sealed it closed. Immediately, Severus felt the uncomfortable sensation of his tongue rolling in his mouth, binding him from ever revealing the secrets. Suddenly he came to think of something...

"Hypothetically, could someone force us to reveal information by using Legilimens?" Severus asked Rookwood when he was back in control of his mouth, trying to keep the hopefulness out of his voice as he remembered the Dark Lord shuffling though his memories.

"No", Rookwood said jovially and took the roll of parchment containing Severus's signature, and went to a giant book case on one side of the wall, sliding it into a diagonal container within. "If someone were to take a peek into your mind and try to force any information out of you, they would only see a grey haze. The binding is absolutely foolproof – brilliant, eh?"

"Right. Absolutely", Severus said, and his mood sunk. So his employment by the Ministry wouldn't help him after all. What would the Dark Lord do to him when he learned that he had failed, that his information wouldn't be of use to him after all? Severus spent a few terror-filled moments pondering if he should flee the county to avoid being killed ( _this_ was real terror; it had nothing to do with gushing ketchup blood) , but then he reigned in his emotions. If he fleed, he'd have no future; this was his only chance to make something of himelf - if the Dark Lord spared him by some miracle, that is.

"So!" Rookwood started and again sat on the edge of the desk, eyeing Severus with a very pleased look on his face. "Now I can tell you more about what we do here."

Severus leaned back in his chair and nodded eagerly. Finally, he'd hear what it was that he was actually doing here.

"We have twelve chambers within the Ministry, all of them containing a specific subject of study. You are welcome to go to any chamber - and you may be required to fill in at any of them if someone is sick. But primarily you will be working in the Chamber of Death, in the Chamber of Time, and in the Chamber of Love. Very interesting chambers, those. Of course, they all have several rooms, and it will take you a very long time to become acquainted with everything they contain. Myself, I work in the Space Room and the Hall of Prophecies, and after fifteen years here, I still haven't learned all their secrets."

Severus shot the man an evaluating look. He remembered the Dark Lord saying that his Unspeakable worked in those specific rooms. But as he eyed Rookwood's ruddy, smiling face, he concluded that it'd be very unlikely he was a Death Eater. Unlikely, but not impossible...

"Any questions, Severus?"Rookwood asked. Severus shook his head. "Excellent. Then, I'll lead you to the chambers!"

And he led Severus in to the lifts where he happily rambled greetings with other Ministry employees while Severus tried to make himself invisible behind the backs of Rookwood's chatty acquaintances. Finally Rookwood waved his hand goodbye and led Severus out of the lifts, down three levels onto Level Nine. Severus stepped out of the lifts, eyeing his surroundings with interest. The corridor was long, and a little ominous with its black shiny walls and echoing floors and the cool blue light of the torches on the walls dancing on the shiny surfaces. Severus liked Level Nine immediately; the dark space had a certain pull and exclusivity which attracted him. And most importantly, it was empty, as all of the chattering Ministry employees had continued on to the next level. There was just one black door at the end of the hallway, and he eyed the door greedily as Rookwood led him towards it. Yes, he belonged here, in this wonderful cool darkness and quiet. Rookwood didn't seem to share his enthusiasm; he shivered as he reached for the handle of the door.

"I never get used to this corridor", he said and pulled the door open. "But don't worry, it's nicer and warmer inside."

Severus followed him through the door. He could only assume Rookwood meant the chambers beyond would be nicer, because the room they had just entered didn't look at all cozier than the one where they had just come from. In fact, the only difference was that instead of just one door at the end of the hallway, this room had several doors. Rookwood cleared his throat.

"I, Augustus Rookwood, demand entry to the Chamber of Time", he said authoritatively. Severus felt almost dizzy as the room started to spin; the floor the other way and the doors to the other. But before he had the time to lose his balance, the spinning stopped. Rookwood nodded, not seeming to have minded the illusion at all.

"All right, Severus? You don't feel like hurling, do you? Good, good... I did, the first time around - it's the Spin, it messes with the head... but you'll get used to it..."

And so Severus was given a tour to the Chambers of the Department of Mysteries. They went through all of the spinning doors one by one, until Severus had a dreadful headache and learned to keep his eyes shut when the walls started moving. He saw the spaceless and dark Space room, the Hall of Prophecies with its towering rows and rows of glass orbs, and the rooms beyond where cross-eyed Unspeakables were inspecting the newly arrived prophecies and cataloguing the dates and persons of interest. Rookwood showed him the Chamber of Love, which required a special key for entering, and cryptically said he'd let Severus inspect the two rooms on the sides alone sometime; the first room they'd arrived to had been filled with random objects Severus had learned were mementoes of old loved ones.

Later still, he saw the Thought Room, where Unspeakables were measuring each others' brain activity and tried to affect each others' thought processes, and where he heard Legilimency and Occlumency had once upon a time been invented. They went to the Department of Experimental Magic and he almost wished he could ask to be transferred there – the Unspeakables often looked pretty strange (there was one with horns grown on his head and one whose mouth had shrunk half its size and who now had to eat everything in a liquid form through a straw), but Severus thought he'd almost be ready to risk damage to his looks (which he didn't care much for anyway) in order to get to create new spells as a job. Finally he was led through a door to a chamber where flickering lights danced on the walls, and where thousands of clocks ticked.

Once Severus teared his eyes off of the lights, he noticed the woman in the room. She was middle-aged, with very long, graying hair and enormous spectacles, and she lifted her eyes from something she'd been inspecting with a large magnifier as Severus and Rookwood entered. As she positioned the something on the table in front of her, Severus realised she had been inspecting a Time Turner – though he'd never seen one before, he immediately recognised it from books.

"Severus Snape?" The woman asked, and her voice was sharp and rather humourless as she eyed him from head to toe. "They certainly weren't joking when they said you are young. Where did you work before?"

Before Severus had the time answer, Rookwood had waved his hand cheerfully.

"Ah, archaic rules, Lydia! It's about time we give up on those..." he said lightly. Lydia smiled dryly but eyed Severus warily. She looked strict, and Professor McGonagall immediately sprang to Severus's mind.

"Severus here will be left to your gracious care for the day", Rookwood said. "Please show him around, show him the ropes, so to speak.. I need to get back upstairs to sign a great big pile of papers, I'm afraid. Boring, but comes with the administrative duties, you know how it is..."

"Indeed, I wouldn't, Augustus", Lydia said icily. "Since my application for the position was inexplicably rejected."

Rookwood blinked, his smile faltering for only a brief moment. Severus remained silent but made a note of everything.

"Ah, well... it's the big guys upstairs", Rookwood said vaguely, backing towards the door. "I'll be back later, then. Have a pleasant first day, Severus!"

And he was out of the door before Severus had the time to say anything. Lydia stared after him with an irritated look on her face, and then turned towards Severus and extended her hand.

"Lydia Roebuck", she introduced herself, her handshake brisk. "I've been working with the Department for sixteen years now."

"Severus Snape", Severus introduced himself. He tried to remember if he'd ever heard the name Roebuck before, but couldn't remember. Deciding to just wing it, he innocently inquired if she was perhaps of the Roebucks in Wales, introducing himself as of the Prince family. Lydia again smiled dryly.

"Oh, you're one of those", she said. "Don't have anything else to do besides snoop up other people's heritage? Very well, if you must know, my father was Muggleborn. So, no – I do not believe I am of the Roebuck family in Wales."

Severus couldn't think of what to say to her direct, almost proud admission – he'd never heard of anyone throw their lack of purebloodness out there quite so boldly. But Lydia clearly didn't expect him to comment, instead turning towards the flickering lights on the walls and waving her arm.

"This is the Chamber of Time. You'll be working here, too, but I've been instructed you should start in the Chamber of Death. Now – do you have any close family members or friends who have passed away?" Lydia asked him.

Severus sighed. Again with this. "My mother."

Lydia pursed her lips. "Right. Let's see, then. We'll need to go through the Spin, follow me..."

She turned on her heels and gestured at Severus to follow. Severus did, and she led him through the Spin to a dark, cold room, which reminded Severus of a dank cave; the walls and floors were made out of uneven stone, and there was a sunken stone pit in the middle of the room. There was nothing else besides a high stone arch in the middle of the pit, covered in a smog-like black veil which rippled, even though the air there was heavy and still. Severus stared at the arch as they descended the rough stone stairs towards the pit. It was mesmerising; he found himself unable to turn his eyes away from it.

"Now, this if the Chamber of Death, Room 1", Lydia said. "This here is what you're here for. I take it you took Numerology and Ancient Runes at Hogwarts?"

Severus nodded, still staring at the rippling black veil.

"Good. Because the truth is, we don't know what this thing is. All we have are these runes written on the arch's sides, as you can see, here -" Lydia walked around the arch and pointed along one of its towering sides "- but the runes are so small and worn, you can hardly read them, and nobody's had the tim- _what are you doing?_ "

Severus froze and blinked. Without realising it, he'd been inching towards the rippling veil, had reached out his hand to touch the fluttering fabric or smoke or whatever it was that covered the arch. Lydia walked briskly to him and slapped his hand away, eyeing him almost disappointedly.

"If you want to work here, you should have a little more self control than that. Didn't Augustus warn you?" Lydia reproached him.

"Warn me about what?" Severus asked, pushing his hand in his pocket and feeling embarrassed over the woman having to scold him like a schoolboy. He could hear faint whispering through the veil, and inexplicably itched to peek on the other side, to see what was behind the veil...

"That if you have lost anyone close to you, you'll feel the desire to go through the arch, of course – unless you didn't care much about them, that is. He really should've warned you..." Lydia said and eyed him with a worried look on her face. "You all right? You're not going to jump through the veil or do something else equally stupid?"

Severus shook his head. "No... I'm fine. I was just caught off guard."

Lydia nodded and turned towards the arch. "Good, because your first assignment is to translate the runes on the sides. See that, carved on the highest point of the arch – you can just barely see it through the veil. That's the only thing we've had the time to translate so far. It's not written with the same symbols as the rest of it. Can you read it?"

Severus raised his head towards the arch's highest point and eyed the large runes carved into the stone. Despite the size of the runes, he wouldn't have noticed them in the dim light from the uneven and worn stone, had Lydia not pointed them out. It took him a while to decipher the Hälsinge runes; the result was confusing. 'A soul enters through Death's door to request life anew, and shall be granted if deemed worthy, body and soul renewed."

Lydia nodded. "We call it the Death's door because of that. It seems to be some sort of a passage to the underworld, or so we assume, because you can hear your dead loved ones through the veil, so the limits between realities must be very thin here - this chamber has been sealed off for years, it was reopened only a month ago. Orders from the big guys. Apparently they used to research this thing, but for some reason, some two hundred years ago, they locked the door and chucked away the key, so to speak... Nobody's found any research of it, it's all gone, and Merlin knows we've tried to look for it..."

Severus eyed the veil in growing interest, listening to the muted whispering. He desired to go closer to the veil, to listen closer... but no, this was not the time to get sidetracked. The forlorn whispering continued, but he couldn't make anything out of it, and turned resolutely towards Lydia, who was also eyeing the veil with a vacant expression on her face. But then she turned towards him and shook her head.

"Anyway, in the next room – Room 2 - we are experimenting with Shells. If the veil gets to you, you should go there instead", Lydia said.

"Shells?" Severus repeated, trying to understand what the woman meant.

"Exactly. Individuals who've had their souls sucked out by Dementors, that is - we keep the Shells in room 2... and in room 3, there's -" Lydia eyed him and went quiet, and Severus wondered what she had seen on his face. "You all right? You look a little nauseated."

"I'm fine", Severus said, pursing his lips angrily. Lydia raised her grey eyebrow.

"I won't lie to you. If you can't keep your emotions in check, you won't last long in your job", Lydia said a little proudly. "This is no place for weak-willed and overly emotional people. These chambers are the most demanding, in many ways. If you want easy, you should ask to be transferred to the Hall of Prophecies, _there_ you could lounge around all day, look at all the pretty crystal balls and wallow in your feelings... But if you wish to remain _here_ , leave your redundant emotions at home, please."

"I will", Severus said snappily.

Lydia nodded. "Good. Brush up on your Occlumency, that should help. I think it's time for lunch now – y ou will return here this afternoon and start with the translation. There's a library on Level 2, you should be able to find anything you need from the Runes and Symbols section."

To Severus's relief, Lydia didn't suggest they go to lunch together. Finally alone and free, Severus made his way towards the higher floors. He assumed there was some sort of a lunch canteen in the Ministry, as an enormous group of employees got off the lifts on the fourth floor, complaining about being hungry. But Severus continued onwards to the Atrium and Floo'd himself to a restaurant on Diagon Alley his former dorm mates had recommended to him. A perky-looking young waitress greeted him as he stepped out of the fireplace and shook the ash off his robes. The restaurant was nice looking, with a dim lighting and small tables covered with white tablecloths. In fact, Severus had never been to a restaurant as nice, not having had the time nor the means to ever visit such a place when he'd been younger. To his mild surprise and nuisance, he found that Morland was there too, waving his hand lazily at Severus from a table near the window. He was wearing expensive-looking purple robes, and looked strange without his school robes; more adult.

"Severus! What a pleasure. Please, join me. I often have lunch with Evan, but he couldn't make it today. My friend will have the pheasant – put it on my account", Morland said to a passing waitress without waiting for Severus's answer. The girl nodded and Morland stared after her as she went behind the counter to write the order down. Severus walked over to Morland and sat down on the chair opposite to him. They exchanged pleasantries for a while until the waitress appeared with the courses, and Morland told him in a hushed voice what he'd been up to since the school had ended, and how he was currently not in a hurry to find employment for himself, being more satisfied with being at the Dark Lord's service, as well as engaging in 'other hobbies'.

"And what other hobbies might those be?" Severus asked him, barely interested. Morland liked to pretend he was more mysterious than he actually was, which undoubtedly accounted to his outrageous reputation, of which Severus didn't believe half of. Now, too, Morland just raised his other eyebrow and sniggered.

"What about you – I heard you have started this week?" Morland changed the subject, pouring some wine to the two glasses on the table. He took a sip of his wine, his eyes trailing behind Severus as though he wasn't really even waiting for an answer.

"You have heard correct. It's my first day today", Severus said. "Unfortunately I can't tell you much about it, besides having enjoyed myself so far..." his voice trailed as he stared at Morland, who'd rather ungraciously spat his wine back into the glass and was now wiping his grimacing face. He set the glass down with a clang and gestured sharply at the waitress to come over.

The perky waitress, a young blonde girl, came over wearing a polite smile and wiping her hands on her apron.

"You", Morland said and gave his wine glass a violent nudge which almost made it fall over the table - Severus quickly grabbed the glass before its contents spilled all over the white tablecloth, looking at Morland in surprise; the other man leaned towards the waitress, his nostrils flaring. "What is this?"

The girl's eyes trailed over to the bottle which was on the table between Morland and Severus.

"It seems to be a 1972 cloudberry wine, sir", she said with a thick accent, sounding confused. "Something wrong with it?"

Morland eyed her with a loathing look on his face.

"It's spoiled. It tastes absolutely rotten", he said coldly. Severus took his own glass, gave the wine a sniff, and, not smelling anything out of the ordinary, took a sip.

"It tastes perfectly normal to me, Morland", Severus said as he set the glass back on the table. But Morland didn't pay any attention to him, instead continuing to stare at the waitress, who was now nervously wringing her apron in her fingers. Morland slowly folded his napkin and set it on the table. His eyes trailed over the girl from her face to her toes; she blushed and looked a little anxious.

"What family are you from?" Morland suddenly asked the girl; his voice was cold and commanding.

The girl bit her lip.

"That- that has nothing to do with anything... we don't have to give out our names to customers..." she said and her eyes flashed nervously over to the counter, where another waitress was pouring wine into glasses and didn't pay any attention to her surroundings.

"Oh, indeed", Morland said in a nasty voice. "I cannot imagine a girl from a respectable family working in an establishment like this. I can only assume your blood is equally _spoilt_ as this wine which tried to make me drink."

And he shoved the glass so hard that this time it spilled over before Severus had the time to grab it. A few customers were starting to turn their heads towards their table. The waitress gaped.

"You - you're wrong, sir – I'm pureblood -", she stuttered and blushed a deep shade of scarlet. Severus felt himself flush, too, in embarrassment over Morland's behaviour – he took out his wand and quickly dried the scarlet stain which was slowly sinking into the white fabric.

"Morland, I believe we should go", he said firmly and got up. "I need to get back to work anyway."

"Did you, or did you not, pour my wine with your filthy Mudblood hands?" Morland demanded the girl in a frenzied voice; the girl was now inching towards the counter. "Answer me!"

"I... " the girl looked like she was about to cry, and her eyes trailed between the door and the other waitress.

"Come on, Morland", Severus said quietly and pulled the other man roughly up by the arm. The other waitress had finally realised something out of the ordinary was going on, and was hurrying towards them. "It's fine, we're leaving", Severus said to her quickly and pulled Morland behind himself. The little bell on top of the door jingled merrily as he pushed himself and Morland out of the door.

"What are you doing?" He snapped as they were finally out on the half-empty cobblestoned street and the door had closed behind them. "You can't just go around attacking people like that -"

"Severus – don't you understand? She was a _Mudblood_. You know they can poison your food, your drinks - trying to weaken you so they can steal your powers..." Morland said, his voice low and conspirational. He was still eyeing the door over Severus's shoulder. The waitress and her colleague were peeking timidly out of the window, then their heads disappeared from view as soon as they noticed Severus and Morland were still there.

"Steal... your... powers?" Severus repeated slowly, waiting for the punch line.

"Yes, yes– didn't your parents ever warn you?" Morland said impatiently and craned his neck towards the restaurant's windows, grabbing at Severus's sleeve and pulling him closer, whispering fervently. "You ought to be careful! Now more than ever – they're realising we're on to them, and they're trying to use any means necessary to infiltrate our society – trying to poison us, or – or _seduce_ us to weaken the blood... we have to fight back – teach them their place..."

Severus stared at Morland with his mouth ajar. He had never heard anything as mad in his entire life, and he eyed the other man with worry.

"That's why they're so desirable, you see – the Mudblood women – they're trying to seduce us, take our seed and weaken the magical lines..." Morland continued his excited, mad ramblings as he stared greedily at the restaurant's windows. "You ought to be careful, Severus – you can't trust anyone outside the family – you know, if you mate with a Muggle or a Mudblood, the spawn will suck out all your magic... the women will try to fool you and take you under their control, that's what they'll do - and if you don't deal with them after fucking them, they'll impregnate themselves -"

"Right. That's... well..." Severus tried to find something to say as he stared into Morland's wild eyes. There was a trail of spit on the man's chin. "I... I need to go back to work now."

And he whirled around and left Morland standing alone on the street. His heart was drumming in his chest as he made his way along the empty street, and he felt disgust mingle with his shock. Muggleborns trying to steal powers? Women trying to impregnate themselves so their babies could steal their fathers' magic? What a load of nonsense! Certainly most Muggleborns, Lily of course excluded, lacked severely in knowledge and skills (and Severus liked to think that part of her success was because he had been there to tell her all about magic before she received her letter; or perhaps it was due to the combination of her red hair and green eyes, the mark of a powerful witch), but Severus had no clue where Morland had gotten it into his head that they were somehow dangerous.

Didn't Morland understand that the only reason why Muggleborns were driven out of their positions of power was so that the supporters of the Dark Lord could be put into their place, so that the Ministry could slowly fall into the hands of the pureblood families who were supporting the cause? It was a tactical manoeuvrer, nothing else! The ultimate agenda was to one day come out and subject Muggles under the rule of the Ministry, as any simpleton could understand that it was ridiculous how the wizarding folk had to hide away just so that dull-minded Muggles such as his father and Petunia Evans could go on living their lives without knowing about magic. Severus had to conclude Morland was simply insane. Or was he? Was what he had said something purebloods actually believed in? His mother had never mentioned anything of the sort, but of course she wouldn't have – she'd married a Muggle. Severus felt uncomfortable as he made his way towards the Disapparation point, and Scanned Lily absent-mindedly in his wake. She was in London, too, at St. Mungo 's. Her being so near calmed Severus a little.

Diagon Alley's streets were quiet and so Severus decided to Disapparate before even reaching the nearby Disapparation point. He Apparated directly to the red telephone booth above the Ministry, and quickly glanced around himself to make sure he wasn't seen. When he again found himself from the Atrium, he made his way swiftly towards the library, pushing the earlier meeting out of his mind with effort.

The library was enormous, even larger than the library at Hogwarts. That, more than anything else, sealed the deal for Severus. He was in his element. He wandered between the colossal mahogany bookcases, touching the backs of leather-bound opuses and browsing the yellowing pages, his fingers trembling. By Merlin, he could've moved into this library and spent his entire life never removing his eyes from the pages of these books, and he still wouldn't be finished reading them all by the time he shrivelled from old age and died under a giant pile of them. Moving on to the Runes and Symbols section, he grabbed a few standard opuses with him and went back downstairs to the Department of Mysteries.

Severus made it to the Chamber of Death without a problem, the Spin giving way to him as he demanded entry. He went to the arch, dropped the pile of books he'd brought next to him on the ground and kneeled to inspect the side of the arch. Frowning, he tried to make out the symbols, but the stone was worn and it was difficult to make anything out in the dim light – the text on the bottom was so worn that he couldn't make out anything at all. He lit a light to the tip of his wand and positioned it to lean against the side of the arch as he tried to make out what types of runes or language was scribbled to the stone. A little confused, he finally had to conclude that the text was written in runes, but it wasn't in any language he could understand. He had an inkling as to why nobody had bothered to try and decipher the text before. Sighing, he grabbed his wand and made his way back to the library.

He didn't do much progress for the rest of the day. He made several trips to the library, bringing in books on all sorts of languages, but the problem was that he had no idea where the arch originated from, or how old it was. And translating the runes without understanding the language was useless. The constant background noise of the whispers made his head hurt; as irrational as the desire was, he still wanted to go around the arch and peek through the veil, and the more tired he became, the more irresistible the desire. Finally he slammed the books closed in irritation and decided to quit for the day.

Glancing at his watch, Severus realised it was already half five; the day had passed by quickly. He felt tired and a little cranky, and wished he would have someone to talk to about his frustration, and about the meeting with Morland, which he'd tried not to dwell on all afternoon long. He wondered what Lily would say if she'd been there to hear his ramblings. She'd always loathed Morland, had tried to convince Severus he was a 'creep'; Severus now wondered if she'd seen something about him which he himself hadn't. Morland had always been nasty towards Lily, ever since first grade (one of the reasons why Severus had remained on rather distant, although friendly terms with him) and now that he was older, Severus was deeply ashamed of the several occurrences when Morland had insulted her in his presence. He wished he'd have had enough spine to stand up for her, but back then he'd tried very hard to belong into the group and had always assumed Lily would forgive him for his need to remain on terms with his dorm mates. And she had, until that damn slur had slipped off his own lips. He could've kicked his younger self for his stupidity. Why did it have to be so that while he was usually so emotionless and in control, whatever emotion he _did_ feel had to become magnified by a thousandfold, erupting from him in violent spasms of jealousy, rage, desire and love? Why couldn't he be like the rest of the world; having moderate amounts of each?

Severus mulled over the day's development as he packed up. He wondered if he should go and return the books to the library, but decided to leave them as they were – dragging the same pile back downstairs first thing in the morning wasn't a particularly appeasing idea. Just as he was about to leave the Chamber, he could've sworn he heard his own name, and paused in the middle of piling the books into a neat pile next to the arch, listening. There was the same old background noise of muffled whispering, but other than that, it was quiet. He got up and wiped his inky hands on his robes, assuming he'd just imagined it. Then -

 _...Severus..._

He froze. He recognised that voice. Without waiting to hear it again, he rushed out of the Chamber, his hands sweating as he turned the door handles, eager to get away from the veil. The room gave him the creeps, and he wished he didn't have to go back there, ever again...

"Ah! There you are! How the time flies – I'm afraid I completely forgot to come and check on you before!"

Severus stopped; he'd almost ran into Rookwood's open arms in his haste to get out. Rookwood was standing in the doorway of the entrance hall of the Department of Mysteries, beaming widely and inspecting Severus over his piggishly short nose.

"Everything all right?" He asked and came around Severus to chummily put his hand over his shoulder; Severus stiffened even further.

"Yes, quite all right", Severus said, pulling himself together. "I was just leaving for the day."

"Excellent, excellent... However, I was given the task to deliver you a message", Rookwood said and clapped his shoulder.

"A message?" Severus repeated, shaking the man off him and trying not to push him away too forcefully.

"You are expected tonight", Rookwood said, smiling widely.

"Expected by who?" Severus asked, frowning. His head was throbbing.

Rookwood's smile slipped; it was the first time Severus saw him without that signature grin of his. His features were actually rather rough without it. He leaned towards Severus, his mouth close to his ear.

"By the new master of the Lestrange mansion", Rookwood said, his voice quiet. "Eight o'clock sharp. Don't be late."

And with that, Rookwood again smiled jovially, and turned on his heels. "Until tomorrow, then!"

And he stalked off, leaving Severus to stand in the corridor.

""

The Lestrange mansion was as bleak as it had been last time; now even darker as the rays of the setting sun had become too weak to sneak in through the closed curtains of the corridors and the dining room, where a house elf led Severus. Torches were lit along the walls, the long table was set for dinner and the Dark Lord's red eyes gleamed in the flickering light of the candles as he stared at Severus, who bowed deeply upon entering.

The Dark Lord wasn't alone. The woman Severus now knew to be Bellatrix Lestrange sat at the dining table beside the Dark Lord, her hands on the table and her head tilted towards Severus. Her face was contorted into a frown as she eyed him like he was a particularly large roach she'd have liked to trample to death. Next to her, a large-sized blond man with blank eyes was concentrated upon cutting the raw steak on his plate into small pieces; Severus's eyes briefly lingered upon the unknown man as he walked over to the table, but his eyes remained fixated upon the bloodied pieces of meat. Then Severus turned his eyes towards the Dark Lord; his powerful presence and magic washed over him, both terrifying and calming in its enormousness. He wondered if he would die tonight, if his life would be taken away by the pale, long-fingered hand which laid on the table next to a yew wand.

"Severus", the Dark Lord said in that high voice of his, sounding pleased. "I'm afraid we have begun without you. Come, dine with us."

He extended his left hand and elegantly gestured at a seat opposite Bellatrix. Severus bowed again and, thanking the Dark Lord's generosity, came to take the seat, trying not to mind the widened eyes of Bellatrix (Sirius's eyes, he noted) as she softly hissed at him and leaned back in her chair as though finding him physically repulsive. Severus briefly eyed her, wondeing what she had against him and feeling equally loathing towards her, but then turning towards the Dark Lord. He had already finished his dinner, and so Severus didn't dare to start eating the meal which had appeared on his own plate. In fact, only the blank-eyed man beside Bellatrix was still eating, and Severus listened to the wet sounds of him gorging himself on the bloody steak in mild disgust as he waited and feared when the Dark Lord would decide to push himself into his head only to find him useless. But the Dark Lord turned his scarlet eyes towards Severus's plate.

"Do you not find the meal appealing enough, Severus?" He asked him. Severus quickly grabbed the cutlery lying on both sides of his plate.

"Not at all, my Lord, it looks very... appealing", he said and started to hastily cut up the steak which he hadn't even taken a look at before. The Dark Lord didn't say anything, and Severus felt sweat trickle down his neck as he ate. He didn't even taste the steak, feeling horribly uncomfortable as the Dark Lord continued to stare at him from inches away (Severus didn't dare turn his head towards him), Bellatrix doing the same from opposite of him, and the blank-eyed man just kept on loudly gobbling up his own steak; Bellatrix's lips curled in disgust. The atmosphere was oppressive, and Severus wondered if he was perhaps eating his last supper.

Finally Severus had managed to force the last piece of the steak down, and set his cutlery on the plate. The Dark Lord smiled unnervingly.

"You seem nervous, Severus", he said. "Something is bothering you. Tell me."

But before Severus had managed to get a word out, Bellatrix leaned towards the Dark Lord and grasped his hand – in Severus's opinion – rather boldly.

"My Lord – I know exactly why he is nervous", she said fervently. The Dark Lord turned towards the woman; her eyes were almost bulging out of their sockets. "He's trying to hide his filthy roots – his impure blood, my Lord!"

The Dark Lord moved Bellatrix's hand away and eyed her coldly. But Bellatrix continued, leaning towards the Dark Lord without seeming to realise her presence in his personal space was not welcome.

"He can't be trusted!" She said passionately. "I have studied the family tree most ardently, my Lord, and it has confirmed my suspicions – Snape is not a name belonging to any wizarding family! He is unworthy of being in your presence, my Lord! Just say the word, and I will remov-"

"Enough, Bellatrix", the Dark Lord said icily, and the woman silenced mid-sentence. "Do you not think I have become acquainted with our guest most thoroughly? Do you doubt my judgement – or perhaps my abilities as a Legilimens?"

"No, never – of course not, my Lord", Bellatrix breathed, sounding aghast. "My Lord knows I have the utmost respect for his -"

"Then I wish to remove all doubt in regards to the heritage of Severus Snape", the Dark Lord said strictly. "Do not let me hear another word regarding this subject, Bellatrix."

"Very well, of course, my Lord", Bellatrix said and looked like somebody had slapped her, but bit her tongue. The Dark Lord's rejection didn't stop her from fixing Severus with an ugly, distrusting glare, which he ignored. For a moment his heart was beating in excitement over the Dark Lord's approval, until his happiness was extinguished as he again remembered the harrowing news of his failure, which he would have to share with the Dark Lord.

"Now", the Dark Lord turned back towards Severus. "What is it that troubles you, my friend?"

"My-my Lord", Severus said and felt uncomfortably hot in his robes, despite the cold air of the dining room. "I'm afraid I must deliver you bad news."

The Dark Lord's eyes flashed briefly and Severus twitched in his chair.

"For your sake, Severus, I deeply wish that is not the case", the Dark Lord said softly. Beside him, Bellatrix perked up and smiled nastily. "But please, do deliver these... news of yours."

Severus straightened himself. If he had to die, at least he wouldn't die a coward. The Dark Lord stared at him with his snake-like red eyes.

"I'm afraid I am unable to give you any information regarding my employment by the Ministry", he said, mustering up all his courage to keep his voice from quivering. "The contract which I have today signed is magically binding – I am physically unable to divulge any information to third parties, not even to you, my Lord, even though I deeply wish to serve you to the best of my abilities."

The Dark Lord stared at him for a while. Then his mouth twisted, and goosebumps rose on Severus's skin as he heard the Dark Lord laugh. It was a horrid sound; high and twisted. His face looked even more awful when he laughed, the already disfigured features becoming even more distorted. Bellatrix joined to his laughter, and her laughter was mean and nasty. The blank-eyed man had finished his dinner and had turned his colorless ambivalent eyes towards Severus.

"Old Rookwood likes his little jokes", the Dark Lord finally said and his face again fell into its usual humourless, pale mask. Bellatrix stopped laughing immediately. "He perhaps would have done wisely to inform you of the manner in which he himself, among my many other Ministry employees, are able to divulge information to me without breaking their contract. But he undoubtedly felt it would be more amusing to let you dwell in uncertainty instead."

Severus blinked, feeling abashed. "My Lord?"

"There indeed is a way – do you not think I would have been prepared for magically binding contracts?" The Dark Lord said, sounding slightly amused still. "But I do admire your bravery for coming here with such a straight back, Severus, even to tell me the news of your perceived failure... yes... such bravery will be most useful for me."

Bellatrix looked like she'd swallowed a lemon. Severus slumped against the chair's backrest, feeling tremendously relieved. Perhaps he wouldn't be killed tonight, after all...

"Now, do tell me, Severus", the Dark Lord said. "Was that all? Or is something else troubling your mind? Do you have any other bad news to deliver, perhaps?"

Severus hesitated. "No, my Lord."

"Ah... but you did think of something just now", the Dark Lord said, and his voice was suddenly colder. "Something else. _Show me._ "

And before Severus had even the time to agree, the Dark Lord was again in his head, painfully sorting through his thoughts and memories, and settled on the memory of the trail of spit on Morland's chin, and on his bulging, frenzied eyes. _That's why they're so desirable, you see... the Mudblood women... they're trying to seduce us, take our seed and weaken the magical lines..._ Lily's face flashed in his mind briefly, her eyes amber-colored and tender in the subdued candlelight as she sat in his lap, her hands in his hair. The Dark Lord pulled out of his head.

"You have doubts about our cause, Severus", the Dark Lord said, leaning over the table towards Severus and smiling coldly. "Let me purify your mind of such harmful thoughts. You have deduced our true goals yourself most admirably: we intend to reconquer the Ministry, to return the power to old families where the magic is strong. We intend to purify our world of those who are unworthy and lack skills. And we intend to remove the secrecy clause, take back our place as Britain's rightful rulers. But of course, there are always those who believe in old wives tales such as the ones your worried friend told you -" he looked amused "- and I can see it troubles you on a... personal level. While it is wise to stay away from persons with such unfavourable blood, you need not worry about your powers diminishing because of such acts of youthful folly. Shameful as they are – they are forgiven, seeing as there were no, ah, _permanent_ consequences to your actions."

It didn't cross Severus's mind to correct the Dark Lord's apparent impression that he'd had relations with Lily, and was now worried about Lily's blood status posing a threat to his own powers. He nodded respectfully at the Dark Lord, nevertheless satisfied to have heard that Morland's mad ramblings had not represented the official views of the Dark Lord's party.

"And now, Severus", the Dark Lord said and smiled, his short teeth gleaming in the flickering light. "I wish to hear what you have learned on your first day at work. But first... we must deal with the little problem of your bound tongue. Please kneel by my side, and pull up your left sleeve."

Severus did what he asked without question, kneeling by the Dark Lord's side and pulling up his sleeve. Bellatrix craned her neck over the table, looking resentful. The Dark Lord lifted his wand from the table; Severus couldn't help but eye it warily. The Dark Lord grabbed Severus's arm into his cold and tight clasp, and turned it around so that the inside of his arm pointed upwards. He pressed his wand against Severus's left arm. Severus stared at the tip of the dark wand burrowing against his skin in the exact point where Lily's fingers had once upon a time softly trailed their path upwards towards his elbow.

"Severus Snape", the Dark Lord said and his voice was like crystal, high and echoing in the dark corners of the dining room. "I have chosen you from among thousands of eager and skilled men for the highest of honours; I have chosen to Mark you as my Death Eater. Will you, Severus Snape, accept me as your ultimate Leader and Master, above every other Leader and Master, above every other commander?"

Severus lifted his eyes from the place where the wand was pressed against his skin. The Dark Lord's eyes gleamed scarlet in his pale face.

Severus hesitated for an instant.

"I will", he said.


	17. A life of luxury

Cue for AU in one...two...three..

Note 1: Trigger warning for all sorts of disturbed-ness for this chapter. We're moving on to claiming that M rating, people!

Note 2: in my story, Diagon Alley has a Disapparation and an Apparation point. People can Apparate outside of these points as they are mainly there to prevent people from Apparating on the busiest areas and hence cause injuries to shoppers, and to calculate the customer flow. Severus knows this (hence how he Disapparated before reaching such a point in the last chapter) but Lily doesn't, thinking that people must be inside the designated areas in order to Apparate or Disapparate.

""

 _I would rather sit on a pumpkin, and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion._

\- Henry David Thoreu

""

It was the establishment of the Order in the last days of school that started the chain of events which eventually made Lily find herself from a rather bizarre living situation. Upon learning about Dumbledore's group of opposition, James and Sirius had decided to move their voyage into the far future only a couple of days before they were due to depart, and so suddenly Lily found herself living in the Potter manor not only with them, but also with Remus, whom James had invited to stay before knowing his trip would be cancelled. Lily liked Remus, and knew he had a hard time finding employment as well as a proper home he could afford (he had told her about his condition when he had moved into the manor), but still couldn't help but to notice that James has never asked her whether or not she minded the changed living arrangements. Later James also realised that his manor was the perfect base for the Order meetings, and so there was also an endless cycle of of Aurors, former Hogwarts students, teachers and other people Dumbledore had rustled up from somewhere going in and out all day and night. Personally she liked Mary's visits the best; she also sometimes brought Bunny with her, although Bunny hadn't joined the Order (she had concluded her D.A.D.A. grades were insufficient; a view apparently shared by Dumbledore, since he hadn't invited her to the meeting where he had first proposed the establishment of an opposition group).

The living arrangements were confusing to say the least, but slowly they settled into some sort of a routine, which mostly consisted of Sirius and James making a mess of the manor, of the resigned-looking house elves cleaning after them, and Lily lecturing them like unruly children when they set the sitting room curtains in fire or kicked a Bludger through the attic window in the middle of a Quidditch practice, and trying not to mind how she sounded exactly like her mother. The constant visitors meant that she was rarely alone with James, and she rather preferred it, again finding consolation in not having to scrutinize their private relationship too deeply.

Nevertheless, Lily couldn't help noticing that her life had suddenly become almost unrecognisable; gone were the shelters of Hogwarts and her own childhood home, and in their place, an enormous and slightly creepy mansion where she lived with three men and a string of Order members popping in and out. Even she herself looked different. The enchanted wardrobe in her bedroom continued to hint she should dress herself with more dignity and stubbornly kept on pushing silky and velveteen creations on her, while sneakily hiding her Muggle clothes and simpler robes. She tried to trick, beg and bribe the wardrobe, but finally resigned and took to wearing the fancier clothes, which depressingly only served to remind her of exactly the kind of a person who should be living in the manor; someone who wouldn't mind wearing an evening gown made out of silk on any old Tuesday.

While at her own home Lily had always felt glaringly witch-like, at James's childhood home she felt miserably Muggle-ish, and below his class in every possible way. The enormous mansion, while having every comfort she could think of just didn't suit her. It was just too grand and fancy. The dark, long corridors and numerous locked doors of the mansion freaked her out, and the whispers, creaks and odd noises which the portraits, ghosts on the attic and the house elves made served only to over-excite her imagination. The thing was, due to her relatively limited knowledge of magical objects, it almost seemed like anything she touched could be a potential trap. The manor was like a whimsical but gloomy mausoleum full of things and objects that might unexpectedly jump out of closets or start talking to her when she passed, or which were just plain creepy on their own. Lily nearly had a heart attack one evening when was on her way to the loo, and accidentally opened the wrong door only to find herself staring at a ghoulish mummy preserved inside a glass coffin and haphazardly pushed into a spare room.

"Yeah, that's my great-great-grandfather Ralston", James offhandedly told her when she returned to the parlour and told him in a shaking voice what she'd discovered. "He's the one who built this manor – he was a bit of a strange bloke, put it into his will that he should never be removed from inside these walls... they tried to cremate him so he'd be easier to store, but in the end they never did manage to fit him into any of the fireplaces..."

After that incident, Lily found herself longing for a life in a nice, regular-sized house without talking mirrors which whistled at her when she came out of the shower, or old mummified relatives. As weeks rolled by, Lily found herself terribly home-sick, sorely missing her own childhood bedroom in Cokeworth even with its slanted ceilings, peeling wallpapers and lack of wardrobe space. She'd sometimes been scared there too, during her childhood nights, but there had always been that cozy homey atmosphere even under all the frightening night-shadows; her mother making her hot chocolate if she couldn't sleep, and the calming, gurgling sounds of pipes in the walls and cars passing on the street across the yard; and Severus living nearby. As silly as it now sounded, when she had been younger she'd always consoled herself with the fact she could just escape through the window to his house if some creepy monster from her imagination threatened her, and he would take care of it, of course he would, he knew everything about anything that could be even remotely threatening... But here, Lily only had the acres of old, rustling trees outside the windows, and the sounds of howling wind rattling the high windows. She sometimes thought of going to Petunia's flat to visit her family, just to manage to briefly manage to connect with her roots.

"That's a great idea, Lils!" James said, sounding excited. "When are we going?"

So Lily kept on putting it off, uncomfortable with bringing James along. As things were, she only had her part-time internship at St. Mungo 's (two to four days a week at the Care of the Elderly Ward or the Injuries Ward) where she had time on her own, and she found herself often popping by Diagon Alley after work, lingering longer and longer on the half-empty streets, and going home only after the sun started setting. But at the Potter manor, she kept herself busy by rummaging around the old manor, helping the house elves with cleaning, and chatting with the Aurors. They taught the Order members protective magic and showed Lily pictures of the Death Eater's robes and masks. Every time Lily looked at the pictures had tried to imagine Severus's eyes staring at her from behind the mask. Her heart hurt as she thought of it, but she was almost certain he had gone to their side; that's where he had seemed to aim ever since fifth grade, anyway.

While Lily kept herself busy, James and Sirius certainly didn't. Remus was away a lot of time; searching employment and in Yorkshire for his transformations, but James and Sirius hung around the house most of the days, spending their time in the most pointless ways possible. Lily found herself oddly disappointed with James, who had always seemed so energetic and active at school. But without the daily routine the school had provided him, he'd turned into a nocturnal being who spent most nights playing Wizard Chess or binge drinking with Sirius by the drawing room fire; two jobless adolescents who seemed to be completely lacking direction in their lives. Since they both had more than enough money, they had the luxury to do not much at all, and had seemed to fall into a comfortable, static existence, where their days consisted of waking up after noon, having elf-prepared brunch and then lounging around for the rest of the day, only occasionally going to the village dressed up in hideous, mismatched attempts at Muggle clothing (on one such evening, Lily had caught them in the front hall with James wearing long fleece pyjama pants and a turtleneck, and Sirius wearing a mustard-yellow windbreaker and thick women's tights; they had both looked absolutely ridiculous and Lily had promptly sent them off to change, trying to reign in her laughter).

What was more, James seemed to consider her own internship at St. Mungo' s as something akin to a hobby, instead of a stepping board to a lifelong career. Finally Lily stopped telling him anything that upset her at work (and there was plenty of things to upset her at the Injuries Ward) because every time she did, James just shrugged and told her to quit the job if it wasn't 'fun'. Lily started to question whether his own mindless existence was a product of after-graduation aimlessness after all, or if it was simply typical of the offsprings of old, rich wizarding families – as she herself came from a background that could be considered Middle class at most, it seemed insane to her how pointlessly Sirius and James could spend their days. Lily had often heard Bunny lament how her well-off wizarding family spent their days drinking tea with their equally rich neighbours and getting their hair done by house elves, but she'd always assumed she had just been exaggerating. But as she watched Sirius spend two entire days trying to transform the pond in the garden into a fountain of sparkling wine, she thought that perhaps she should have taken Bunny's stories a little more seriously after all.

"James, what did your parents do for a living?" Lily asked James one evening at the dinner table. Sirius was in town, trying to hit up some Muggle girl, and Remus was in Yorkshire for his monthly transformation.

"For a living?" James repeated and sounded puzzled. "Well... my mother never worked, of course. And my father invented the Sleakeazy's hair potion – he sold the rights some fourty years ago."

"And after?" Lily asked.

James shrugged.

"He traded some property rights. I don't really know, to be honest." For a moment he gazed at the roasted duck with a pondering look on his face. "I guess I have the papers somewhere in my father's old study."

"Perhaps you should take a look at them?" Lily encouraged eagerly, seeing an opportunity to push him into action.

"Nah", James said and reached for the jus. "Not my thing. I almost fell asleep just listening to my father talk about it – there's no way I would ever stay awake long enough to go through the papers."

Lily didn't say anything, but a week later she went to James's father's old study and discovered a neatly-organised, if very old, pile of papers which confirmed that about fifteen years ago, Fleamont Potter had been quite active in real estate business and stock trade. He'd owned and sold a number of houses, not just in Godrick's Hollow, but in many counties both in England and Scotland, and had also dabbled with Muggle stocks. Lily discovered he – well, now James – still owned a couple of houses where the lease agreements had expired years ago, and she eagerly went to show the papers to James, certain he would be interested in taking a look at them. James eyed the first page of the pile of papers Lily had brought him.

"Are you afraid I'll turn poor or something?" he asked in an amused tone. "Because I can assure you, I'm not running out of gold in a few centuries. Your future is quite secured, darling."

Lily felt herself flush.

"That's not why I brought these for you to take a look at!" She said defensively. "I'm just saying that these houses are just sitting there, being of no use to anybody – they should be rented again, or sold. Of course their condition should be checked, first..."

"Sounds like a lot of trouble", James said and handed the papers back to her. "And very boring, too, don't you think? Who cares about some old shacks, anyway."

His blasé attitude vexed Lily, but she didn't think it was her place to start lecturing him on what he did with his possessions. Instead she herself carefully studied the papers Fleamont Potter had left behind, which included surprisingly accurately actualised predictions about future stock fluctuations, along with methods of using Divination to confirm the outcomes of investments. Lily hadn't studied Divination at Hogwarts because its studying schedule had clashed with Ancient Runes, but after reading a couple of books and following Fleamont Potter's detailed directions, she tried a couple of simple predictions. A week later, the Daily Propher's stock news confirmed her predictions had been correct. Encouraged by her success, Lily braved herself one afternoon and visited Gringotts.

"What sort of investments are you interested in, Ms. Evans?" The dignified-looking goblin asked her as he inspected the vault key she had given him.

"Something low risk", Lily said hesitantly. "I have a list of a few fields I'm interested in."

And she pushed a piece of parchment to the goblin, on which she had written down the few fields she had concluded had the most potential. The goblin eyed the list, and then nodded.

"Very well. Here's a list of firms you can choose from." And he gave Lily a booklet. Lily went to sit down on a bench in the marble lobby and meticulously looked through the list of firms the goblin had given her, finally settling on investing in two firms: thirty Galleons for a struggling firm which prepared protective charms meant for young children, and twenty Galleons for a private firm which offered private refresher courses on protective magic; both of which she assumed would be popular. The protective charms allowed children to either Disapparate or conceal themselves wandlessly in case of an emergency by reciting a spell carved on an enchanted bracelet or locket. And the refresher course was mostly meant for older people, who hadn't practised any defensive magic since Hogwarts.

Leaving Gringotts, Lily felt pleased with herself, but also like she'd just done something slightly illicit. She hadn't told James about her little investment experiment, preferring to keep her ventures into the world of business to herself. Her very own little secret. She felt her heart skip happily at the little spark of stolen independence, then spent the way home pondering whether it was normal she should feel so happy over hiding something from her boyfriend. She just seemed to have so little independence these days. Was it normal to feel like she was being consumed by James's life, drowning into him, feeling like she was losing herself and turning into somebody else? She'd never lived with anyone before. Maybe it was a normal feeling. But the idea disturbed her, and after her trip to Gringotts, she found herself a little more guarded in James's company.

September arrived. The weather was uncharacteristically cold, rather reminding Lily of late October, the mornings so cold she woke up shivering under the thick velvet covers. She assumed the weather was so bad because of the Dementors continued to breed; the whole summer had been miserable and rainy, and it seemed like Mother Nature had rather wished to skip the entire season. The grounds of the Potter manor were muddy and misty outside the windows. James and Sirius no longer played Quidditch outside, having closed themselves indoors instead. When they were home-bound, both had again taken a turn for the worse; Sirius was constantly on the edge and James again became more withdrawn, while simultaneously demanding ample amounts of physical affection from Lily, which Lily felt reluctant to grant him; after her realisation about her lack of independence, she'd wanted to keep at least her body in her own control. The times when she gave it up to James out of pity or shame were over. He hadn't told her he loved her ever since that one, drunken night in the Leaky-Cauldron, but now Lily often saw out of the corner of her eye that he was giving her dark, meaningful looks, and she knew James thought it was about time for her to take the next step.

Through the Order, Sirius had learned his brother Regulus had recently joined the Death Eaters and had been sighted in a duel with some Aurors. Despite him trying to convince everybody that he'd always known his good for nothing brother would turn that way, Lily could feel the pain of his loss permeating the room whenever he was alone, and recognised the haunted look in his eyes; it was the same as James had worn right after his parents had passed.

Both Sirius and James had also became frustrated over simply having to stay home and learn protective spells; they wanted to get out there, to fight. One day when Dumbledore was visiting, Lily heard them trying to convince him to let them join the Aurors in fighting the Death Eaters, and she heard Dumbledore promising to think about it. Lily herself was not in a hurry to join the battles any time soon. She didn't want to be put into a situation where she'd have to face Severus among the Death Eaters, not only because she was fairly certain she'd lose the duel, but also because she couldn't quite make up her mind which would be the worse fate: to be killed by him, or to have to incapacitate him, then let someone take him to prison – if there even was such a thing these days. Whenever Lily thought of him among the Death Eaters, she felt terribly sad and wondered if the Severus she had known had stopped existing altogether. Nobody who could spend their days hanging out with such a crowd could have any amount of goodness left in them. Lily had seen what they did; their victims made up a large section of the patients of the Injuries Ward.

One evening, when Lily had been on her way to Diagon Alley to meet Mary and Bunny for late night drinks (Mary had recently returned from a work-related trip to the Middle-East and Lily was sorely missing them both), she found herself alone with Sirius in the kitchen. James had gone to take a bath while she had dressed up for the night out, and Remus was in Yorkshire, and she immediately saw her chance to try and gently inquire if Sirius really was okay. Sirius turned his eyes from his cup of tea and pursed his lips.

"I'm fine", he snapped. "I know you're trying to help, but this really doesn't have anything to do with you anyway. I don't ask you about your sister, do I?"

And he grabbed his tea cup and disappeared upstairs to his room, leaving Lily alone in the kitchen. She sighed. She should've known Sirius well enough by now to expect his jabbing. Getting up, Lily was just about to write a note for James, when she felt hands encircle her from behind, and jumped.

"You look _so_ hot in those robes", James muttered into her ear. His hair was wet against Lily's cheek as he pressed his bathrobe-clad body against her back and nuzzled his nose against her ear. "But I think you'd look even hotter without them."

Lily stiffened.

"You know I'm supposed to meet Mary and Bunny in like twenty minutes", she said, trying to sound nonchalant. "So I think the robes will stay on."

James kissed her neck. "Well... twenty minutes is plenty of time..."

Lily gave a short laugh and turned around. "Is that supposed to tempt me?"

James looked at her darkly as she separated herself from his arms. Her heart was beating quickly in her chest and she wanted to sprint out of the room, very aware of his glaring.

"Are you really going to meet Mary and Bunny?" James suddenly asked her. Lily had just bent to reach for her purse and froze mid-movement.

"What do you mean?" She asked him, puzzled. "Of course I am."

James eyed her with a strange look on his face. "You've been away a lot lately", he said.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked again, wondering what was going on. "I've been at work... and, you know, Diagon Alley..."

"Meeting who?" James asked her, cocking an eyebrow and crossing his arms.

"What's this about?" Lily asked him impatiently, straightening herself. She felt a throb of irritation as James continued to stare at her with a blaming look in his eyes.

"Are you cheating on me with someone?" James finally demanded, gritting his teeth. "You've been away a lot lately, and you won't tell me what you've been doing. And you haven't wanted me in weeks."

"I... what? No, of course I'm not cheating on you... I wouldn't -" Lily started.

"Then what have you been doing – why can't you just answer me?" James asked and red spots had appeared on his cheeks now. He glared at Lily and looked like she had somehow offended him.

"Because... because it's private – and I haven't been away 'a lot'! I've been away for a couple of times, just... shopping", Lily lied quickly.

"So which one is it – it's private, or you've been shopping?" James asked, immediately catching her in the act.

"I've got to go", Lily said in exasperation. "I promise you, I haven't been cheating on you – and I'll be back in a couple of hours, three, tops. Can't we talk then?"

James opened his mouth, perhaps to tell her that he wanted them to talk right now, but Lily grabbed her purse and backed towards the doorway.

"Three hours, tops!" She yelled over her shoulder as she sprinted up the stairs and to the front door.

Lily practically escaped the mansion, running out of the front door and Disapparating immediately when the heavy dark wooden door closed after her. When she Apparated to the Diagon Alley's Apparition point, she realised she'd left in such a hurry she hadn't even remembered to take her cloak with her, and was now trembling in the cold London drizzle. Shit! Lily felt miserable, not just because of her poor clothing for the weather, but because James's sudden jealousy had stirred some sort of a long-lost defence reaction inside her, and the emotion made her tremble uncontrollably.

She absent-mindedly made her way towards the Leaky Cauldron and thought she'd pop by Madam Malkin's on her way back to the Disapparation spot. Lily was at the bar ten minutes early, and went to the counter to order a Firewhiskey, double. Tom eyed her cloakless, now-wet attire curiously but didn't say anything. Lily chugged the drink down on her way to table near the warmly crackling fire, where she sat and waited for Mary and Bunny. She wished she didn't have to go back to the Potter manor, seeing in her mind's eye James's blaming and hurt eyes, hearing the conversation which she'd have to get over and done with... Finally Mary and Bunny walked in, both looking soaked – as Lily glanced out, she noticed that the cold drizzle had turned into thick drops of slosh.

"Lily!" Bunny shouted cheerfully and waved her hand at her as she approached; Mary went to get them drinks. "How are you?"

"Uh", Lily said, and to her horror, felt tears rise up in her eyes at the sight of her smile. "I'd love to say fine, but..."

"What's the matter with you?" Mary asked her, appearing to the table and carrying two glasses in her hands. She eyed Lily with worry. Bunny sat next to Lily and wrapped her arms around her. She felt soft and homey, and for a moment Lily wished they were back at Hogwarts, in their dormitory, back when everything had been so much simpler. And Lily found herself spilling out everything; everything about James, about the ghastly mummy in his spare room, about the way she felt so guilty for still not being able to love him, about his sudden bout of jealousy, about feeling like she was losing herself into his life.

"Get it together, Lily", Mary finally said. "You have got to get it together. That's not normal. That's not okay. You have got to dump him – I've been saying it all the time, but it's about time now. Why the _hell_ are you still with him?"

"I don't know!" Lily cried, trying to hide her puffy and teary face from the two wizards who walked past their table at that moment. "It's like... I feel like I'm supposed to be with _someone_ like him, like that's what everyone's expecting of me... Like I'm supposed to be all over him, love him, want to marry him and live in his... his fucking _manor_. But I don't! I feel like such a failure... why can't I just bloody learn to love him? Why's it have to be so hard!"

"Well. I don't think you can just choose who you love... I mean, look at us", Bunny said and gestured vaguely towards her and Mary. "It would certainly be a lot more convenient if we could just choose it, like we choose our clothes or friends or... but we can't. These things just happen. And you know, it shouldn't matter what other people think of the person you date – it matters what _you_ think of the person you date."

"And why do you even think anybody cares who you date?" Mary asked before Lily had the time to answer, frowning. "Believe it or not, but I don't think most people give a toss about anyone else's business, unless they're looking for a few minutes of cheap gossip. And why should you let your whole life be determined by what some nasty hags are gossiping over for fifteen minutes? You're not even in Hogwarts anymore, for God's sake! Nobody cares if you chuck James Potter! Well... he might. But nobody else."

Lily wiped her eyes into a napkin and thought it over.

"I think, because... because I went against all my principles when I started this relationship with him... and maybe I thought that it'd be more justifiable if I fell in love with him", she finally said, feeling terribly sad as she realised her admission was true. Why couldn't she just have learned to love him? Then she wouldn't have needed to feel half as guilty.

"What principles?" Bunny asked her. "I mean, sure, you always said you loathed him – but what sort of a principle is that, anyway?"

"Not that.. well, sort of that", Lily said and folded the wet napkin, staring at it intently. "It's just... he used to be so _awful_ to Sev, and I guess I felt like I was betraying _him_ by being with James. And I feel like I should have a justification for it, you know. Like, if I was in love with him I wouldn't have to think I did wrong, or something..."

She didn't need to look up to guess that Mary and Bunny were exchanging looks over the table. Bunny shifted in her chair.

"So... let me recap...you're still dating James Potter because you feel you have to... out of loyality for Severus Snape?" Mary finally asked her, sounding incredulous. "A bloke you haven't even spoken to in years?"

"Well... about that", Lily said and felt flush creep up to her face. "I didn't want to tell this to you before, but I sort of... may have kissed him last Valentine's Day. And... uh... tried to shag him, too."

"WHAT?" Mary and Bunny asked her in chorus. Lily lowered her head and felt terribly embarrassed.

"Spill it", Mary said. And with a sigh, Lily did, telling the girls the whole story from the beginning, leaving nothing out, nothing at all. When Lily was finished, she was certain she had turned red from head to toe, and was afraid of ever meeting the judgemental gazes of her friends again. There was a long silence, during which Lily started to tear the wet napkin before her into little pieces, and waited for their sentence.

"Lily... are you in love with Severus Snape?" Bunny finally asked her, her voice terribly gentle. Lily jerked.

"What! No!" She laughed incredulously and her fingers froze in the middle of tearing the napkin. "No! I just... sort of fancy him, I think. A little bit."

"Still?" Mary asked.

"I- I guess", Lily said vaguely. "I mean – _no_ , of course not. I haven't even seen him in ages. How could I? I barely even know him anymore – he might be a Death Eater... I just feel... after Valentine's Day, you know... _closure_..." her voice trailed as she started to stutter. For fuck's sake.

"Why don't you go get some closure, then?" Mary asked her. "What's stopping you?"

"I told you – he doesn't want to see me", Lily said miserably. "And besides, he was with Generia Fern last time I heard - not that I _care_... but I'm afraid he's joined the Death Eaters, has changed too much... I think it's too late now..."

"He's not with Fern anymore", Bunny said knowingly and leaned towards Lily. "Oriel said she saw her snogging Caspian Bellamy from Hufflepuff in Hogsmeade. You know, Caspian had been snogging Malina Murray just before, Oriel told they had a terrible row after the graduation feast -"

"Thanks, Bunny – I think we got the picture." Mary cut her off. Bunny looked a little embarrassed and took a sip of her cider.

Lily felt a slight pleasant nudge inside herself as she thought of Severus having broken up with Fern, but kept her eyes fixated upon the mangled piece of napkin on the table. Mary leaned her chin in her hands and looked out of the window into the downpour of slush with a pondering look on her face.

"You know, I won't object to admitting Snape's a weird creep who enjoys the Dark Arts a little too much", Mary said. "And the crowd he hung out with..." She shivered and Lily knew she was remembering Mulciber leering at her through the bathroom door. "But... things aren't always what they seem, you know. You do have this habit of rushing into conclusions where everything and everyone supposedly works against you, without really stopping to think things through from other perspectives. I mean... remember how you thought Bunny and I were tattling about you?"

Lily felt a little sour. "Well, it was a perfectly logical explanation to your behaviour", she muttered defensively. "I mean, should I just have assumed you were sleeping with each other instead? Felt a little far-fetched, that..."

Mary turned her eyes towards her. "Yes, but as it turned out – there _was_ a perfectly reasonable explanation, far-fetched or not. One that you just didn't come to think of."

Lily was silent and digested what Mary had said.

"So..." she said slowly. "You think that he might've wanted to see me? You don't think he's a Death Eater?"

Mary shrugged. "How should I know. He does seem the type, doesn't he... but you never know. You'll never know unless you, well, find out."

"But you know what Dumbledore says at the meetings – we can't just go and take matters like these into our own hands where Death Eaters are concerned", Lily objected weakly. "What if Sev _is_ a Death Eater? What if I contact him and they get some sort of a... a... _tactical_ advantage from it?"

Mary laughed. "Now you're just grasping at straws there. Fine – be a coward if you want. I won't try and convince you to do anything you don't want."

Lily blushed. "I'm _not_ a coward."

For a moment Mary looked like she might argue, but Bunny kicked her in the shin so hard the entire table shook. Lily sighed.

"Never mind. I'll think about it. So... change of subject. How was the Middle East? Where did you go?"

For the rest of the visit, Mary chattered about her exciting job at Gringotts, and even Lily had to admit that the way it sounded, banking wasn't nearly as dull as she'd always assumed it to be. In fact, Mary sounded rather like a proper adventuress, at least from the way she was telling the story. Bunny eyed her with utter admiration, and Lily couldn't help but cheer up a little. Lily told the girls about her little investments, and Mary thought it was a great idea, which infused Lily with courage. She came to think of how long it had actually been since somebody appreciated her for something else besides how she looked in a dress. Mary's words still rang in her head, and she started to wonder if she really was making assumptions about Severus... wasn't she really just afraid to face the truth, deep down? Didn't she just prefer to assume the worst out of him so that she could justify to herself not trying to fix things?

The bar was filling up, the nasty weather pulling people in from the nearly empty streets, and for a moment Lily almost felt like there was no war as the arrivals bemoaned about the abnormal September weather as they tried to make their slosh-covered hair and makeup presentable, and the buzz of the customers filled up the bar... they drank a couple more Firewhiskies, and Lily felt nice and warm now, her clothes having dried by the fire, the windows fogging up from the warmth and the drying outfits of the dozens of other customers. Finally Lily happened to glance at the ancient, dusty grandfather clock behind the bar.

"Oh, no! It's nearly ten o'clock already!" she exclaimed, getting up so fast she almost fell over her robes. "I'm sorry, but I've got to go – James is expecting me, and I'll need to pop by Madam Malkin's on the way... I forgot my cloak", she said sheepishly and quickly hugged her friends. "Thank you, thank you for this wonderful talk. We have to see each other soon again, and I'll tell you all about what's happened, then."

"Dumped James, I hope", Mary said lightly. "See you – and take care of yourself!"

Waving her hand one more time, Lily hurried out of the bar; she had twelve minutes to make her way to Madam Malkin's, find a suitable coat, and leave. She was immediately hit by the freezing slush as she exited the bar, and hurried over the slippery cobblestones, shivering. The streets were completely empty, and the dark windows of the stores seemed to stare at her; she felt uncomfortable as she continued towards the shadier North side, towards Madam Malkin's and the Disapparation point. She had lately avoided the Diagon Alley after dark, like most people. Even the flats above the stores seemed darker than usual, curtains pulled over the windows. Many of the torches had gone out when the slush had started pouring down, and Lily eyed the dark side streets paranoidly, imagining hearing someone else's footsteps behind her... but when she turned, she could only see the dark wet street. She was freezing, and hugged herself as she continued. As she turned the corner to the side street where madam Malkin's was, she abruptly stopped in her tracks.

The store was closed. The windows were dark and there was a note on the door; Lily didn't bother reading it. Cussing to herself, she turned back around. It couldn't be helped - it was a five more blocks to the Disapparation point, so she better get going, lest she freeze to death. Irritated, she wrung most of the slush off her hair, and started sloshing back towards the way she'd come from. Then she came up with a handy solution to her problem and cast a warmth charm around herself; it made her glow oddly in the dark, not unlike a glow-worm, but at least she could feel her clothes turning a little drier and warmer around her body, and it also turned the slush warm, like she was walking underneath a nice temperate shower. Thinking she must have looked rather silly (not that there was anyone to see her), she consoled herself with the thought that at least nobody could tell she'd been crying earlier – the slush took care of smudging her mascara well enough. She didn't notice that her steps weren't the only ones echoing against the cobblestones.

When she was only two blocks away from the Disapparation point, a cold, strong something suddenly grasped at her wand arm. Yelping, she turned around in time to see a pale hand, but didn't have the time to do anything before a force threw her violently against the wall of a narrow side street. The warmth charm disappeared from around her. The hand which had grasped her was gone, and she looked around herself wildly, tried to reach her wand -

"Accio Mudblood's wand", she heard a voice from behind her, and to her horror, felt her wand fly through her reaching fingers and into the hand of someone else... she hurled to look behind herself, and to her horror, saw two Death Eaters standing before her, one short and one tall; the masks and the cloaks exactly as she'd seen in the Aurors' pictures. They both had their wands out, and the shorter one was also holding her wand now. Gasping, she tried to scramble away from them, but in her panic slipped over the slippery cobblestones and her long robes and fell back against the stone wall. The tall Death Eater chuckled.

"How very considerate of you", the shorter Death Eater said, and his voice sounded familiar. "- to advertise yourself with such a light show. And, to have removed your cloak already... _thank you._ It makes everything so much easier."

"What – what do you want?" Lily asked, trying to sound braver than she felt, but couldn't help her knees shaking as she fumbled her way backwards and tried to get away from the two men, holding on the cold wet wall with one hand. She wondered if she could wandlessly Accio her own wand from the man, but her mind was blank and too panicky – she couldn't, the wand didn't budge. _Oh, come on, please,_ she almost begged her wand. _Accio! Accio!_

"You see... we had a very stressful evening. And we thought we'd need to _relax_ , if you know what I mean."

The taller Death Eater chuckled again, then looked around his shoulder at the empty main street behind them, making sure they were alone...

"And do you know what Death Eaters do when they want to relax?" the short man asked, taking a step towards Lily.

Lily couldn't find her voice. She shook her head and backed away from the two men; they were walking towards her. The shorter man handed Lily's wand to the taller man.

"I can show you", the short man said softly, and was now so close Lily could see his pale blue eyes, which were staring at her from almost at the same height as her own were. With a horrific startle, she realised who the man was – it was Mulciber! The same man who had raped, had killed – who hated Muggleborns, and who hated _her._

"But don't worry. I'll be gentle. You might even like it", Mulciber said and reached out his hand to touch Lily's face. Her heart was throbbing in her chest almost painfully as she waited for his fingers to violate her skin. She closed her eyes –

Mulciber yelped, and Lily opened her eyes again. Yes! She'd managed, for the first time in her whole life, to cast harmful emergency magic, having cast something akin to a stinging hex towards the man – he raised his gloved hand, which was now smoking in the wet air.

"Then again", Mulciber said coldly and stared at his palm through the mask, and his voice was now quivering in contained anger. "I don't think I _want_ to be that gentle. I'll make you regret that hex, you little Mudblood whore."

And he raised his wand and Lily tried to scramble away from him, terrified and hoping for another miracle, knowing what her fate would be if she didn't succeed, expecting pain -

"Imperio", Mulciber whispered. A wonderful, warm sensation spread over Lily, all her fears and worries draining away from her. What had she been panicking about again? She tried to remember, but she couldn't...

 _Get on your knees,_ a voice said in her head. Obediently, Lily slumped on the cold cobblestones, trying to remember a reason why not to... there was something... it slipped off her mind. She stared dully in front of her when Mulciber started unbuttoning his trousers in front of her face, the slush falling into her eyelashes and making everything a little blurred. She watched one button after another come out of their holes, and there was something, something she should remember... the cobblestones felt cold under her legs.

 _This feels uncomfortable,_ she thought vaguely and shivered as the freezing soot on the stones seeped through her tights. _My legs are freezing._

 _Suck me off, Mudblood_ , the strange voice in her head said, and Lily stared at the last button come out of its hole, blinking dully.

 _No, I'm cold. I want to get up_ , Lily thought. _No, I don't want to do this. I want to get up. I don't -_

Suddenly panic filled her lungs again as she struggled against the Imperio, becoming half aware of what was about to happen.

"Fuck!" She heard Mulciber exclaim and felt like her head would burst open, struggling fiercely against the powerful Imperio, whimpering as it tried to force her back into deep sub-servitude.

"If that's how you prefer it, you stupid bitch!" Mulciber barked and Lily felt his hands on her, tearing at her robes, and she screamed in pain, still not completely out of the Imperio and unable to move, lifting her eyes up at Mulciber who was towering over her, his right hand grasping painfully at her shoulder and his left digging something out of his trousers, and Lily screamed again, in fear this time -

Suddenly, it seemed like Mulciber burst open before her eyes – the other Death Eater screamed. Lily's eyes widened in shock as his torso, his chest, and his neck gashed open in a flood of deep red and torn flesh – she just saw Mulciber's eyes widen in shock before his skull cracked open in two with the most horrible sound she'd ever heard, and the mask he'd been wearing flew off his face in two pieces - she stared at his revealed, torn face in utter shock, feeling his hot red blood spilling on her hair and her forehead.

For a split second, Mulciber's torn-apart body hovered above her, before he started to fall towards her, squirts of blood falling through the air. Lily was unable to move, staring at his horrid already dead body in utter shock, before he suddenly froze in the middle of the fall, magically bound in a slanted position, even his bursting blood solidifying in a formation of squirts. Lily was trembling, unable to tear her eyes away from Mulciber's dead eyes which seemed to still stare at her from both sides of the terrible deep gash in his skull. One of his eyes was filled with his own blood.

"Y – you!" She vaguely heard the taller Death Eater yell from somewhere behind Mulciber's terrifying corpse. " _You_ did -"

"Avada Kedavra!" She heard a familiar voice curse. There was a thumping sound, and then silence. Lily was trembling, cold and in shock, her brain seemingly having stopped working in her head. The Imperio was long gone, leaving behind only emptiness and headache. She was unable to stop staring at Mulciber's blood-filled goggling eye; it seemed to stare through her. Her knees were slipping on the wet ground.

She heard quick steps from behind herself. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine... she counted them in her head, but didn't understand what anything meant. There was that eye, that bloody eye, staring at her. Then she felt someone's hands on her shoulders, and the intrusive sensation shook out of her emptiness. Screaming, she struggled against whoever it was that had grabbed her, tried to scratch and claw at him.

"Shh... easy now", she heard the familiar voice say. "I'm not going to hurt you."

The voice was familiar, low and soothing, but Lily didn't believe it. She scrambled away from the man, wildly staring around herself. She screamed again, covering her mouth with her hand, finally seeing the man. A third Death Eater, kneeling beside her and wearing the same kind of a cloak and mask than the two dead men behind her.

"No," she sobbed helplessly and tried to crawl away from him. "Go away."

"Lily. It's me", the Death Eater said, exasperatedly. "I won't hurt you. I swear."

Lily stared at him, his black eyes, through the mask, and she recognised the Death Eater.

"No... not you", she sobbed and her heart broke. "It can't be you."

Severus stared at her through the awful mask for a moment. Then he got up and walked around her. Lily remained kneeling on the ground, and cried in her blood-covered hand. Mulciber's blood was dripping off her hair to the ground. She heard Severus move behind her, and then he was suddenly grabbing her by the arm, and Lily opened her mouth to scream again, tell him to get away from her – but she felt herself Disapparating, and the next thing she knew, she was standing in a dark gloomy kitchen somewhere. Severus let go of her arm and took a step back from her. Lily swayed on her heels and slumped weakly on the nearest chair she could find. She raised her eyes to stare at Severus, at the _Death Eater_ , whose kitchen she had somehow ended up in.

Severus swept his hand over his face and the mask dissolved in black smoke, leaving his pale and serious face visible. Lily stared at him, not knowing what she felt. He looked alien to her, wearing those horrible Death Eater robes. She turned her head away.

"You need a shower", Severus said. "Can you, uh, walk? There's a shower downstairs... but I think you should go to the upstairs bath so you can change -"

Lily scrambled up before he'd finished his sentence.

"I should go" she said, her voice sounding like it was coming from somewhere far away. Severus paused.

"Go where?" he asked, hesitantly.

"Home", Lily said, thinking of her old home and her own bedroom with its slanted ceilings and cotton bedding thirteen blocks away, before she remembered she should go to James's manor instead. Severus stared at her.

"You can't go anywhere looking like that", he said softly. Lily frowned. She looked down at herself. There was blood on her clothes, and she realised her robes were torn where Mulciber had grabbed her (for a moment she wondered if he was still there on the street, in the middle of the fall and frozen and staring with his bloody eye where she'd been) and her shoulder was bare; there was blood on her skin, too. And her hands were sticky and red. She stared at them.

"Right", she said, mostly to herself. "Okay. Shower."

And she walked out of the kitchen, and heard Severus follow her nearly silently. Lily had been to his house only a couple of time before, but she didn't stop to look around herself. She made her way straight upstairs, and stopped only after reaching the top of the stairs. Severus got up behind her and didn't turn his eyes away from her; she didn't mind his staring, feeling rather detached. He raised his hand and for a moment, looked like he was about to put it on her shoulder, but changed his mind; his hand hovered in the air for a moment and then he let it fall back against his side. He walked in the first room on the right side of the stairs and Lily followed him.

"You can change here. The bathroom is the room next to this one. There's towels there. I'll, uh, try to find you something to wear while you're in the shower", Severus said and gestured at the door. Lily nodded and started unbuttoning her robes.

"Right. I'll just... go", Severus said and backed towards the doorway, hitting his shoulder against the door frame in his wake.

Lily didn't listen, concentrating on trying to shrug the wet and torn robes over her shoulders. Severus disappeared through the door, his silky Death Eater robes billowing behind him. Lily threw her disgusting robes into a heap on the floor, took off her knickers and her bra and threw them on top of the pile, then walked naked into the bathroom, not stopping to ponder how awkward it would be to run into Severus on the way until she was almost half in through the bathroom door; but he was not in the hallway, though Lily could hear him moving in some of the upstairs rooms. She went to the bathroom, climbed into the bath and pulled the shower curtain closed, turning the water hot. The hot water felt gorgeous on her skin, purifying her, and she revelled in how everything inside her felt contained and dull. When the tub was full of hot water, she reached to turn off the tap and leaned her head against the porcelain, closing her eyes. It was wonderfully silent, only the water softly rippling against her chest as she breathed. She felt exhausted.

Then she heard Severus walking outside of the door. Irrationally, Lily's heart jumped into her throat, and she scrambled up from the tub and rushed to the door to turn the lock, suddenly afraid of him, afraid when she realised she was completely at his mercy, without her wand even – did he have it? Was it still on the slushy, bloody-covered street in London? She stood near the door for a while, dripping water all over the bath mat, and shivered in the humid air of the bathroom. She could no longer hear movement on the other side of the door, and wondered if he was gone, or if he'd stopped in his tracks when he'd heard her move inside the bathroom. Her heart was beating quickly in her chest. What the hell was she doing here? What was he going to do to her? Why had he brought her here? Why was she naked in his bathroom?

Trembling in the cold air, Lily climbed back into the warm water, sitting on the tub's bottom and hugging her legs against her chest. She felt trapped, frightened, disgusted as the memories of the what had happened crashed over her. It felt like an eternity ago when she'd left the Leaky Cauldron. She tried to push the memory of Mulciber's unbuttoned trousers off of her mind, feeling a wave of nausea crash over her. The sensation didn't leave her, and she again had to scramble up the tub, and had just enough time to raise the lid of the toilet seat before she hurled. She sat on the soaked bath mat for a long time, until she was no longer sick, shaking as the warm bath water cooled on her skin. She was crying, she realised, and pushed her wet hair away from her eyes, feeling wretched and filthy. Lily spat in the toilet, flushed, and then rinsed her mouth with tap water, using the mug perched by the side of the sink. Then she again slipped into the bath water, eyeing around her miserably.

The bathroom was impeccably clean; Severus had always been obsessed with cleanliness and tidiness, and she felt herself even more messed up in comparison to the neat order of the objects above the sink; as she stared at the now wrinkled and soaked bath mat she'd recently sat on and the mug she'd carelessly left in the sink, and thought of the pile of blood-covered clothes she'd left on the bedroom floor. She wondered if anything would be well ever again. Then she thought of James, and wondered what time it was. She'd said two, three hours - he'd probably be worried by now, would perhaps think that she'd been attacked by Death Eaters... she couldn't help the brief burst of hysteric laughter escaping her lips when she realised that that's exactly what had happened. And not only that, but now she was sitting in the bathtub of one Death Eater, naked, wandless, and had just drank water from his toothbrush mug. She laughed again, unable to stop this time, and wiped tears of hysteric mirth off her eyes.

There was a soft knock on the door.

"Everything all right?" Severus's muffled voice asked her through the door. Lily tried to swallow her laughter.

"I'm fine", Lily answered, her voice bubbling with repressed laughter. There was a brief silence.

"I'll be downstairs", Severus finally said, and she heard the sounds of his retreating steps as he walked down the staircase. Lily wiped her eyes and chuckled quietly. She noticed the water she was sitting in was rust-coloured. Her laughter died. Disgusted, she scrambled up for the third time, pulled the plug, and turned on the shower, washing herself briskly under it, not once but three times, using Severus's soap and shampoo, which were quite strongly scented. She was disturbed to notice that she was almost aroused by the scent, and scrapped it up to the recent trauma; she was quite clearly messed in the head, as evidenced by pretty much everything she'd done since she'd seen Mulciber's body rip into scraps in front of her eyes.

When she was finally satisfied she was squeaky clean, she grabbed a towel from a cupboard near the door and wrapped it around her hair. Then she took the grey bathrobe hanging from the rack by the tub and wrapped it around herself. She hesitated by the door for a while, before she pulled the door open and stepped out, glancing paranoidly around herself. The hallway was empty, and she sneaked in to the bedroom where she'd undressed earlier, locking the door behind her. It was Severus's bedroom, she remembered from her teenage visits, but it didn't look the same as she remembered, as she eyed around herself. It had been scarcely furnished then, and it still was, but he'd thrown out the rickety chair he had back then used as a nightstand, along with the narrow bed. There was a large bookcase near the window, and a dark divan in the middle of the room, and proper nightstands on both sides of a wide bed, which was neatly made. Lily's wand was on top of the dark bedspread, next to a folded thing that looked like black robes. The pile of wet clothes she had earlier shrugged off of herself was still on the floor where she'd left it; her white, blood-splattered lacy bra on top of the messy pile.

Lily sat on the bed, shrugged off the towel in her hair and the bathrobe, and grabbed the black folded thing. It was a dress, she noticed. Probably Severus's mother's, judging by the style and old-fashioned cut. Having a bad feeling about its fit, Lily got up and started pulling it over her shoulders. As she'd expected, it got stuck halfway over her torso as she tried in vain to wiggle it over her boobs and hips. She pulled it back off, grabbed her wand and pointed at it. The dress stretched a little, and she quickly lowered her wand, afraid she might tear the fabric if she wasn't careful. She pulled the dress over her head, and was glad to manage to pull it down this time, although it was still rather snug in places. She didn't dare to stretch it any more. Staring at the disgusting, blood-stained pile of clothes on the floor, she decided she didn't want any of them. Lily pointed her wand at it and the entire pile disappeared with a pop.

Lily threw the wet towel and the bathrobe over the bed's headboard. Then she dried her hair with her wand and got up, realising as she nearly tripped over her hem that Severus's mother had also been considerably taller than she was. With a sigh, she shortened the hem (which was much easier than enlarging the dress had been) and then sneaked to the door.

She heard Severus moving downstairs.

""

Sorry for abusing the Fanfiction clichée of a damsel in distress! But then again... I guess everyone saw it coming, what with my Mulciber being the way he is.


	18. Facing fears

Thanks for reading, and for all the reviews! :)

 _""_

 _Am I out of touch?  
Am I out of my place?  
When I keep saying that I'm looking for an empty space  
Oh, I'm wishing you're here  
But I'm wishing you're gone  
I can't have you and I'm only gonna do you wrong_

 _Oh, I'm going to mess this up_  
 _Oh, this is just my luck_  
 _Over and over and over again_

 _I'm sorry for everything_  
 _Oh, everything I've done_  
 _From the second that I was born it seems I had a loaded gun_  
 _And then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved_  
 _Oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved_

\- Imagine Dragons, "Shots (Broiler remix)"

""

Lily sneaked down the stairs as quietly as she could, leaning against the railing with her fingers wrapped around the wand in her pocket. Half-formed plans of sneaking out of the front door or leaping into the kitchen and stunning Severus crossed her mind, but before she could do either, Severus walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway. He stopped as he saw her standing on the lowest steps of the staircase, hand in her pocket and half-crouched against the railing. He blinked. Lily straightened herself with as much dignity as she could muster, noting with relief that he didn't have his wand in hand. Severus didn't say anything, just kept on staring at her with a blank expression.

"What are you going to do to me?" Lily blurted out ungraciously.

"Nothing", Severus said and turned back towards the kitchen. "I made tea, though."

Lily stood on the stairs for a few moments, contemplating upon the best course of action. A part of her felt oddly calm, as though it was every day that she popped by for tea at Severus's house. Another part of her kept on screaming that he had just killed two people in cold blood, right in front of her very eyes. What was one supposed to say to someone after _that_? Oh, great, I'd love some tea and scones? How have you been Severus, long time no see? She extinguished the hysterical laughter that threatened to spill out again. There was nothing particularly funny about the situation, but she seemed out of touch with her self-control, unexplicable emotions bursting in through the cracks of her calmness.

Suspicious and paranoid, Lily finally sneaked to the kitchen's doorway and peeked inside. She hadn't paid any attention to her surrounding upon her unexpcted arrival, but now let her eyes wander around the room. The kitchen was dimly lit, a candle-lit iron chandelier hanging from the ceiling, and there were shelves surrounding the walls, upon which countless of flasks and neatly labelled containers were arranged into perfecly straight rows. Otherwise the room was quite spartan, having no other furnishings besides a dark table and two chairs by the covered window; there were two mugs and plates on the table. Severus was standing with his back towards the door. He was clipping mint leaves off a plant near the window, dropping them into the tea pot by the sink. As he gestured with his hand, a sugar container flew out of a cupboard and landed on the table. Again Lily wondered whether she should stun him – just in case – but felt unable to go through with it. What would she do after she'd have stunned him anyway? Call Dumbledore? James? What would she tell them anyway? So Lily settled on silently sliding through the door and sitting on the chair nearest to the door, eyeing the back of Severus's Death Eater robes. She kept her wand in her hand under the table and pointed it towards Severus, although she came to think that he probably wouldn't have given her her wand back in the first place if he intended to cause harm.

"You shouldn't be walking around alone at night time." Severus said abruptly, his back still turned towards her. He was rummaging through an open cupboard, finally digging out a foil-wrapped packet of biscuits from its depths. He turned around and tossed the packet unceremoniously on the table.

"Why?" Lily asked him, raising her eyes from the packet to meet Severus's eyes. "So I don't run into your lot?"

"Yes", Severus said. "Among others."

Lily didn't say anything, just turned her eyes away from his. He was putting up walls around himself, she could tell from the way he stood and by his guarded tone. Instictively, Lily did the same, arranging her features into an expressionless mask. However, sensing no immediate danger and eyeing Severus's crossed arms, she pushed her wand back in her pocket and grabbed the packet of biscuits off the table and tore off the foil rather angrily. She took a couple of biscuits and hurled one on her plate and the other on Severus's plate so violently it crumbled upon hitting the porcelain. The tea pot Severus had recently filled floated to Lily's peripheral vision and started pouring its steaming contents into the cups on the table, and Lily listened to the gurgling of the tea hitting the bottom of the cup as she picked at her biscuit. The domesticity of the situation disgusted her a little; it felt unnatural after the horrors of the alley. Her heart was still beating adrenaline-infused blood though her veins and she felt cold even in the kitchen air warmed by the fire of the cadles.

Severus came to sit on the opposing side of the table. Lily didn't look at him, just kept on picking at her biscuit, until it too had crumbled. His presence was unnerving, and Lily couldn't wrap her head around the combination of his Death Eater robes and the domesticity of the kitchen and the tea, and over how they were sitting there like nothing had happened, when in fact basically just about _everything_ had happened.

"You just had to join them, didn't you?" She finally said, angrily glaring at the crumbs on her plate and found that her voice sounded sadder than she'd intended it to. " _Death Eaters,_ Severus... why do you always have to be such an idiot?"

Severus didn't say anything in a long time. He just swirled his spoon in the mug and stared into the depths of his tea. Lily raised her eyes and was just about to repeat her earlier question, when he finally set the spoon aside and fixed his eyes upon Lily. He looked even more guarded now.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have joined them", Severus said quietly and grabbed the mug, though not raising it to his lips, just keeping it between his hands on the table. "Even one."

"Because they're evil!" Lily gasped in exesperation. How did he still not get it? "Everything they – _you_ – stand for is evil! They want to kill everyone like me! You saw it yourself tonight!"

Severus shook his head. "You don't understand. Morland was insane – and apparently Horton was, too, or perhaps he was just drunk, we had a ceremony earlier – but it was a secluded case, which had nothing to do with the cause. But the cause of the Death Eaters – our cause... we are not looking to kill Muggleborns. We're looking to overthrow the Ministry so that the secrecy clause can be abolished. So that we can be free, all of us – free to practice magic in public, to live without having to hide."

Lily laughed bitterly.

"Right, and the term 'Death Eater' has nothing to do with killing! Don't tell me you actually believe that!" She said. "Fine – if that's the case, then I'm sure you've told all of your new friends about _your_ Muggle dad? If heritage is such a non-issue?"

Severus pursed his lips. "A part of our cause is to return power in the Ministry to the old wizarding families, because they're the ones who currently support the Dark Lord -"

"Yeah – I wonder why", Lily said angrily. "Because he's the one who keeps telling them that Muggleborns are second-rate witches and wizards! That they should rule over people like me!"

Severus opened his mouth angrily, then closed it and took a deep breath. He seemed to decide not to condescend himself by starting to argue with her; instead he took a sip of his tea, pretending to be calm. Lily glared at him across the table.

"Right, and now you're stonewalling me, how very mature of you! You just can't think of a thing to say to that, can you?" Lily said scornfully. "Because it's true, all of it. They've taken you for a childish fool if you've bought their lies! Just grow up already, Severus! One day they'll find out you have a Muggle father and that's the end of that!"

Severus's lip curled and he set his cup down with a bang. For a moment he stared at Lily very angrily, and she flinched a little; he'd never looked at her like that before.

"You don't know what you're talking about", he said in a voice that seeped restrained anger. "So shut up. My Muggle father is not an issue. The issue is that I've just killed two Death Eaters."

That shut Lily up. Severus got up and went to the cupboard. He brought a bottle of elf-made wine with him as he came back, along with two glasses.

"I don't want any", Lily said sourly.

"Fine", Severus snapped.

Severus poured a glass for himself and then they both sat there, silently glaring at each other over the mugs and the glasses and the plates full of crumbled biscuits neither one of them had touched.

"What are you going to do?" Lily finally asked him, wondering what would happen if the Death Eaters ever found out who was responsible for the murders of their own. She felt a sudden flicker of worry over Severus, and the feeling momentarily pushed away her anger. "About Mulciber... and Avery?"

Severus shrugged. "Nothing. Nobody saw us. Nobody has any reason to suspect it was me."

"But that spell", Lily forced herself to say. "It was Sectumsempra, right? They could find out, couldn't they? That you wrote it?"

A look of uncertainty briefly crossed over Severus's features. Lily instinctually grasped his hand into hers over the table.

"They'll find out", she said, suddenly panicking, the adrenaline in her blood making her pulse pound in her ears. "They'll find out it's your spell – Rosier might know, might recognise it, he'll tell -"

Severus glanced at their joined hands. Realising what she was doing, Lily quickly pulled her hand away and hid it under the table. Severus seemed to think something very hard for a moment, and then got up.

"I'll go back there", he said. "There's no reason why any Death Eaters would be there at that time of the night - or anyone else for that matter. I'll Apparate right on that alley and make sure there's nothing left to recognise in the morning."

"Go – go _back there_?" Lily repeated in astonishment, stumbling up too and grasping his arm again, this time to stop him from leaving. "You can't! What if somebody sees you! What if somebody has found them and called for help, and there's already people there - and then you show up, and they recognise you _and_ the spell? You can't explain your way out of that one!"

"What do you propose then?" Severus snapped and ran his free hand through his hair. The gesture betrayed his anxiety, and Lily found herself panicking even more. If Severus was anxious, the danger had to be real; she grasped his arm even tighter. At that moment, Lily forgot that Severus was a Death Eater, that he had just killed two people, that she was supposed to be angry at him. For a moment he was just Sev, her old friend, in trouble and in need of her help and protection. She'd always give it to him, always, she realised with surprise, feeling a strong rush of emotion as she looked into his worried eyes.

"I'll go there", Lily said. Severus made a disbelieving noise in the back of his throat and stared at her incredulously. "No, listen", Lily continued."Even if I'm seen, I can just pretend that I stumbled upon there by accident - scream and act shocked. I'll just pop by the street and – and... can dead people be Vanished? I know living people can't... but what about the dead? Do they still count as... people?"

"I don't know", Severus said, sounding exasperated. "But this is an absolutely mad idea. I can't let you go back there! What if you run into someone else -"

"But you just said that Death Eaters aren't looking to kill Muggleborns, apart from the two I'm just on my way to deal with", Lily said, unable to keep the iciness out of her tone. She dropped her hand from Severus's arm and crossed her arms. "So, according to you, I should be fine, right?"

"I..." Severus hesitated and swallowed. "But it's not just Death Eaters. There's all sorts of people around, looking to make use of the situation, knowing that the Death Eaters are blamed for pretty much everything these days. No - I can't let you go, Lily."

"Well, it's not your bloody decision", Lily snapped. "I'm going, all right?"

And she turned on her heels, only to find Severus grabbing her wrist. She jumped a little and whirled around, remembering Mulciber's hands on her – Severus quickly let go of her.

"If you can't Vanish them", Severus said quietly, looking resigned. "Leave Horton as he is because Avada Kedavra can't be traced to me specifically, but slash your wand vertically over Morland and say _'Consectocorpus'_ . That should get rid of the slash marks. Got it?"

"Consectocorpus", Lily repeated. "Consectocorpus."

Severus nodded. Lily soundlessly repeated the word, moving only her lips. Consectocorpus, consectocorpus... Severus's eyed briefly trailed over her moving lips.

"Will you come back here?" He asked her.

"Yeah, of course", Lily said. Severus raised his eyes to meet hers. "I'll come and tell you what happened. I'll try to be quick."

She turned to walk out of the kitchen and towards the front door, stepped out and Disapparated. She found herself from Diagon Alley, next to Madam Malkin's (she had been aiming a couple of blocks closer to the alley, but always struggled a little with Disapparation when she was tired), and for the second time that evening she realised she had left without a cloak. Shivering and cussing her own stupidity, she started walking towards the alley where she'd nearly met her end, and had a dreadful feeling like she was repeating her earlier walk to doom. She kept her wand out, holding it so tightly her fingers soon became numb, determined to keep her hold on it no matter what. The closer she got, the more uncomfortable she became; the temporary calmness which the tea and Severus's company had provided her with were gone, and as she quietly sneaked along the dark street she started to feel the tremors of panic again, imagining the cold, glove-covered hand reaching for her from the darkness...

It was no longer properly raining, but the air was full of little drops of drizzling water which clung to the skin and hair, pushing through the clothes and making her tremble in cold. There was not a soul out on the streets. Even more torches had been quenched by the rain since she'd been away, and there were spots of absolute darkness on the streets, not even the stars lighting the way through the thick clouds in the sky. She tried to walk quickly but quietly, the sound of her own footsteps freaking her out. As she passed through one of the dark spots on the street, she felt the little hairs on the back of her neck rise, and almost shrieked when something that could've been either a large rat or a small cat unexpectedly ran across the road right by her legs. She had to muster up all her courage to not sprint into a terrified run, and took deep breaths to stop herself from hyperventilating as she started to get near the narrow alley, behind the corner of which the horrific vision of the two dead men would await her. The streets were completely empty still, and there was not a sign of anyone being near. Taking a deep breath, Lily glanced around herself, then turned the corner into the narrow alley where the men would be.

It was as dark as could be; she could hardly make out the small sliver of sky in the distance between the buildings and some light high up on the walls, but the narrowness of the alley meant that no light fell all the way to the ground. Lily tried to calm herself, straining her eyes as she tried to make out shapes on the ground and stopping at the corner as she was afraid of stumbling upon Avery's corpse and falling on top of it or something equally digusting; she raised her wand, pointed at a spot ahead of her at random and cast a silent Lumos Duo. An orb of light jettisoned from her wand, lighting Avery's body on its way, and she was disgusted to find the orb landing on the back of Mulciber's head. He was still in a half-standing position; Severus had cast a very powerful body locking spell. The orb of light Lily had cast had gotten stuck to his hair, and the shadow his body cast looked eerie with its reaching arms and fingers. Lily shivered and almost wished she had let Severus come and deal with this after all.

 _Pull yourself together. You're a bloody Gryffindor, for God's sake!_ Lily berated herself. _It's only a couple of dead blokes – they were much more scary alive than dead!_ But Lily wasn't entirely convinced that was the case; she gave Avery's body a wide berth and approached Mulciber's ghostly form gingerly, moving along the wall which Mulciber had earlier thrown her against. In disgust and horror, she noticed that the contours of Avery's face were now purple with the tell tale sign of death; livor mortis. She forced her eyes away from him and concentrated on Mulciber; he was number one priority, in case somebody happened to stumble upon the alley while she was there. _Talk about conquering your fears..._

She didn't quite dare to go and face him, realising his face and the staring, blood-stained eye would be shrouded in complete darkness; the whole idea of his unseeing eye staring at her through the darkness horrified her. So she quickly raised her shaking wand and pointed it towards Mulciber's neck.

" _Evanesco"_ , Lily thought. Nothing happened. She repeated the spell, then exasperatedly whispered the spell out loud in the darkness, but Mulciber's body stubbornly remained in existence, hanging in the air like the corpse of a man hanged with invisible rope. Lily pointed her wand at him again.

"Consectocorpus", Lily whispered and slashed her wand down across the length of Mulciber's torso. The corpse seemed to start crumbling; then, to her horror, Lily realised he wasn't crumbling; he was melting. His hair started falling out in clumps and the skin of his back was bubbling and as she watched, his head dipped and the bubbling corpse fell and hit the ground with an awful splashing and crashing sound. The skin continued bubbling, blood bursting through the skin and the hair and the clothes, finally drowning out the bewitched light on his neck. Lily continued to hear the horrible hissing and bubbling sounds of the body melting against the cobblestones, and could no longer contain her horror in the darkness; she turned, nearly tripped over Avery's corpse, and gathering herself back up sprinted away from the horrifying side alley where she no longer wanted to set her foot into ever again. She ran nearly two blocks, slipping on the cobblestones, her heart beating harder than ever before, until her lungs were bursting and she had to stop. As she leaned against the nearby wall, she realised that it was still unsafe for her to be aimlessly wandering around the dark streets, and Disapparated.

Lily appeared by Severus's gate and rushed across the dark yard towards the door, again feeling sick. She didn't even have to knock; the door opened before she'd reached halfway through the yard and Severus appeared into the doorway.

"Finally!" He said, sounding relieved. "I was just about to come after you... you took longer than I -"

"How could you have come up with a spell like that? It was yours, wasn't it!" Lily snapped at him, gritting her chattering teeth as she reached the door. Severus went quiet. Then he glanced around himself.

"At least come inside from there", he said, a little roughly, and pulled Lily inside. "It worked, didn't it?"

"Yeah, it worked all right..." Lily muttered and weakly slumped on the floor next to the door. She was shaking from head to toe, and her teeth kept on clattering. Severus noticed this, because he took a cloak from the wardrobe by the door and kneeled to wrap it around her.

"Come to the kitchen, it's warmer there", he said and left the hallway. Lily sat on the floor for a while, darkly staring at the umbrella stand by the door and thinking of the bubbling sounds Mulciber's corpse had made, until she heaved herself up from the floor and walked to the kitchen. Severus was leaning against the counter, and raised his head as she came in.

"Why do you do it?" Lily asked weakly as she slumped back on the same seat she'd sat on earlier. "I don't get it. Why are you so attracted to such horrible things?"

"You wouldn't understand", Severus said and rubbed his eyes; he looked tired. Then he gave Lily a guarded look, probably thinking she would start yelling at him like she had when they'd been younger and she'd found some nasty book or spell he'd been studying. But Lily turned her eyes towards the untouched mug of tea on the table in front of her, and reached for it. She swirled her finger absent-mindedly on top of the mug and steam started rising from the surface. She felt, if possible, even more exhausted now than before, and her head was throbbing again.

"Try me", Lily said finally. "Because I just don't get it."

"You can't understand it because you're not me", Severus said, sounding as tired as she felt. "You're the sort of person who gets everything by default. You're one of the lucky ones."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily asked and frowned as she took a sip of the now hot tea and pulled the cloak tighter around herself. She raised her eyes when Severus remained silent.

"Never mind", Severus muttered and rubbed his eyes. His eyes glanced at the door, and as Lily followed his gaze, she realised he'd glanced at a clock above the door. Her heart jumped to her throat as her eyes took in what she was seeing.

"It's three o'clock?" Lily cried out and almost dropped the mug she was holding. " _Three_ o'clock? Oh, no! I've got to go, right this instant!"

"Right", Severus said quietly and let his hand drop to his side. He leaned against the counter and turned his eyes away, staring at the plants and herbs by the window. "I forgot... _Potter_ must be wondering where his precious girlfriend is."

Lily scrambled up the table. She was unable to come up with anything to say and felt a little embarrassed. For a moment she just hovered uncertainly on her heels. What on Earth could she say to Severus? Bye, thanks for the evening – must do it again sometime? A part of her wanted to just rush out the door to avoid the weird goodbyes. A part of her didn't want to leave at all. Would she ever see him again? He definitely had chosen his way; the proof of that was standing right in front of her, wearing Death Eater robes. Despite the strange developments of the evening, it was clear that he intended to continue on the path he had chosen for himself.

"Well", Severus said to the plants. "I hope you're very happy with him."

But he didn't sound like he was; his voice was seeping bitterness and he seemed to be gritting his teeth.

"I..." Lily started uncertainly, but didn't finally come up with anything to say. She shut her mouth.

"Can you tell me one thing before you go", Severus said slowly, and continued to avoid her gaze. "At Slughorn's party..."

Lily stiffened, the memories of the night suddenly flooding her. Him underneath her, his dark eyes hooded as he gazed at her in the flickering candle-light, his lips slightly swollen and parted from her kiss. Lily's eyes briefly lingered on Severus's lips and she remembered how they had felt against hers, before she tore her gaze away from them and towards his face, her heart galloping in her chest.

"...why did you kiss me?" Severus finished the sentence. He was very still, an angular black-clad thing against the backdrop of angular black cupboards. Lily tried to find the words, hovering uncertainly between blurting out something she would regret and between lying her way out.

"Because I wanted to", she finally said. "I wanted to kiss you that evening."

Severus ran his hand through his hair and was silent for a while.

"And Potter", he finally said; it was a statement, not a question. Lily shifted uncomfortably. There was a bizarre sort of energy building up between them, the sort which meant that secrets were about to be spilled, lines crossed, things changed. She threw her caution to the wind.

"Well..." she said uncertainly and took a step towards him. "Yes, and no... not the same as James. Like I said, I wanted to kiss you. And... and I would've wanted even more..."

Lily felt herself flush as her raw admission rang in her ears. Severus glanced at her quickly, then turned his head away. Lily was surprised to notice he looked even more upset now.

"What?" She asked him a little shyly.

"I'm just trying to wrap my brain around how you ended up James Potter's girlfriend within a day of that", Severus said. "And I keep wondering... was it all because of the potion? Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium? The one I made?"

He looked anguished as he said it, and again glanced at her. Lily felt another sudden rush of emotion for him; for one mad second she wanted to rush into his arms and force him to look at her, but his clenched hands and stiff stance didn't look particularly receptive to physical advances, and so she remained where she stood.

"I don't know", Lily said truthfully, trying to ransack her memories of that evening. "I guess it affected things up to a degree. Although... it didn't just create new emotions or, uh, desires. I guess they were all there to begin with."

"So... all along, you wanted to shag Potter?" Severus asked, and swallowed. He was staring at a planter full of bay leafs like it had somehow personally offended him. "All these years? Even back when you still called him an arrogant toerag and claimed you couldn't stand him?"

"I don't know", Lily said exesperately. "No! I mean, I don't think I did... I guess I did secretly find him fit, but..."

"How long? How long did you have those sorts of feelings for him?`" Severus demanded, and now he sounded angry, having finally turned his eyes towards Lily. They were blazing as he stared at her. "How long did you, as you said, find him 'fit'? Since sixth grade? Fifth? Since the first bloody time he sat down in the same train compartment as us?"

"I don't know! I swear, it wasn't something I ever really thought about!" Lily pleaded. "I didn't mean to find him attractive, and I didn't even intend to kiss him back on Valentine's Day! It just happened! It was you I w-"

" _'It just happened'?_ You mean to say you had no say in the matter? Oh, come off it!" Severus sneered coldly. Lily had the sudden urge to punch his arrogant face. She was suddenly enraged by the whole situation; why did she have to explain her doings to Severus? It's not like he had explained any of his to her!

"Look, what's the big deal?" She snapped. "When I'd drunk that sodding Potion and went to the common room I even found Sirius hot - might have just as well been him, I guess. It was an aphrodisiac, after all!"

Severus looked like Lily had slapped him.

"So, basically you're just going around snogging people who just happen to be conveniently present, and not only that, but you go as far as _move in with them_?" Severus croaked, his voice quivering in rage.

"How the hell do you even know I live with James?" Lily demanded to know. "Have you been spying on me? Is that how you found me on Diagon Alley?"

"I haven't been spying on you!" Severus snapped. "I happened to overhear Potter talking about it. I did put a locating spell on you before the school ended, but I haven't been follo-"

"You what?" Lily shouted, stomping her foot. "You did _what_? Remove it this instant!"

Severus gaped at her for a moment.

"Fine", Severus said, breathing heavily. He pulled out his wand and waved at it. Lily didn't feel any different, and she stared at him suspiciously. "It's gone!" he said upon seeing the suspicious look she gave him, and pursed his lips.

"You have no right to be Scanning me – or putting your nose into my relationships!" Lily berated him angrily, feeling almost relieved at having something tangible to blame him for. "You haven't heard me scream at you over _Generia Fern_ , have you? I saw her snogging at you in your common room as you bloody well know!"

"Generia has never done anything to you", Severus said angrily. "It's completely different."

"That's not true! That one time in Transfiguration class she turned my eyebrows green -"

"Oh, shut up!" Severus shouted, losing his self-control. Lily took a step back. "Who the hell cares about your eyebrows! McGonagall fixed them in like one second, nobody saw it, and Generia apologised to you! That was four years ago! You just got upset about it because you're so vain you can't stand it when you look ridiculous!"

"I am _not_ vain!" Lily objected. "You know I'm not! I don't even think about how I look, my face is just - there!"

"Yes you do! Ever since you started wearing makeup, you never even came outside when it was raining, because you didn't want your mascara to get smudged! You're vain, and you're selfish, and you want everyone to think you're perfect!" Severus hissed triumphantly. He looked and sounded younger than he had earlier, and Lily could see his fifteen-year-old self peeking through the cracks of adulthood. She feared she wasn't faring any better herself. She pursed her lips and stared at him in anger, wanting to hurl something at him, but settling on clenching and unclenching her fists.

"...And you sometimes make unpleasant comments about other people's looks!" Severus continued. "And you think you're better than others because you're good looking! And as you just said yourself, your relationship with Potter is pretty much dependent on how 'fit' he is – you might just as well be dating Black now, if only you'd ended up stumbling into his lap instead of Potter's while you were under influence! Or _maybe_ you're just into blokes who are rich? Which is it?"

"Neither! You are so wrong! I'm dating James because – because -" Lily felt tears of rage rise into her eyes as she couldn't come up with anything even slightly resembling a good reason, at least nothing that didn't have something to do with his manor, what she fellt was expected of her, or the fact that James kept on buying her stuff and thus she felt guilty over leaving him. Swallowing her words, she changed tactique.

"Who are you to say that stuff to me anyway!" She sneered. "Everybody knows you're begrudging and you hate everybody! You think the whole world is against you! I know _exactly_ why you like dark magic – because you want to control everything in your life! From the exact angle of your bloody bathroom mat to knowing where I am even though you're not even speaking to me - to having the power to make others hurt and die! You think you'll be a big man if you exercise power over others, don't you, just admit it! Well – you're not! You're still just you – halfblood Severus Snape from Cokeworth, barely an adult!"

Severus took an angry step towards her, then stopped in his tracks. He was shaking from head to toe. He looked on the edge of throwing something, and Lily felt dark pleasure over her cheap win, feeling high with her own power over having managed to crack the mask of indifference he'd tried to put on. Their mingled rage felt good, it was releasing that bizarre coiling energy which had been slowly filling the room.

"Well", Severus finally said in a silky voice, forcing his face back into expressionlessness and relaxing his stance; only his hands still remained clenched into fists. "At least I'm not cavorting with the _enemy_."

"The enemy", Lily repeated and gave a short laugh, throwing her hair over her shoulder in disdain. "The _enemy –_ you have to be joking! You did nothing besides cavort with the enemy for seven years, Severus! At least I stood up for you - you were too much of a coward to ever stand up for me when those twisted mongrels walked all over me!"

"Funny", Severus spat, his lip curling. "I thought I just did tonight!"

Lily pursed her lips and they stood in silence, angrily glaring at each other. Lily was trembling, but not from cold this time; the cloak around her felt uncomfortably warm as blood rushed through her veins, and her emotions were all over the place, a tangle of pleasure and aggression and something else. Severus's presence so near her stirred something inside her, which pulsed inside her and throbbed in her chest and belly. She briefly wondered since when his presence had started to have this effect on her; when they had still been friends, he certainly hadn't yet possessed the ability to make her quiver in this manner.

"What do you care about who I'm cavorting with anyway", Lily finally said, straightening herself. "If you cared so fucking much, maybe you shouldn't have stood me up that night after the party!"

"I 'stood you up' -" Severus said in a tone steeped in poison, " - because your _boyfriend_ and his meathead best pal Black incapacitated and beat me up when I was on my way to you. And _perhaps_ you would have heard of this had you only bothered to come and ask me, instead of, oh, I don't know – _throwing yourself at Potter instead._ "

For a moment Lily hesitated, but then she pursed her lips. Severus was obviously lying. "Then why didn't you come and explain it to me? You didn't even send me a letter! And then you and Generia Fe-"

"Forget about that stupid girl already", Severus snapped. "If you cared to know what happened, you could've asked me your bloody self! But no - you _prefer_ to judge and make others crawl under your feet! Why would perfect, pretty Lily Evans run after anyone? Just admit it! You don't want to act, you want others to act _for you!_ Or why else did you end up bedding Potter like a fucking _sheep_?"

Lily was gaping at him, angry tears thretening to spill out of her eyes. She could feel her face and chest reddening as rage flared inside her like never before; she stormed closer to Severus, wanted to hurt him, to wipe that smug sneer off his face, to grab him by the front of his robes, to tear - - How _dare_ he accuse her like that – she was _not_ a sheep. He had no right! At least James was on the _good_ side, he could be trusted, unlike this... this... this person who looked like Severus, but was nothing but a disgusting Death Eater!

"Don't insult me, Severus Snape", she hissed, stomping her foot again, and felt high-headed from rage and exhaustion. "Don't pretend you're so stupid you didn't realise how it seemed when you didn't show up! Why didn't _you_ come and explain to _me_ what happened? I waited two hours for you! Besides, I did try to talk to you - I came to your common room that evening, spoke with those disgusting rapist friends of yours! What – did you somehow miss the signs of my visit? I'm so _sick_ and _tired_ of you running from your problems instead of solving them, and hurting me in the process! At least James has always been nice to me - and he loves me! And unlike you, _he's_ not a Death Eater! He's not running around cursing – and... and _killing_ people!"

"Oh, how chivalrous of him!" Severus spat venomously, and his fists had turned white as he continued to clench them. "You're saying that he would have left you in the hands of Morland and Horton rather than kill them? You're a _fool,_ Lily, if you think that the difference between Death Eaters and your lot is the willingness to cause harm or kill! Given a good enough reason, e _veryone_ kills - get over it!"

They were standing very close to one another now, so close she could feel his breath on her face, feel his presence in her every atom, and her entire body quivered in the bizarre energy between them that was half rage, half something else, and which made her want to close the distance between them – to hurt, or to _be hurt_ by him – she felt strange pleasure at every lash; she wanted him to lash at her, she wanted to lash at him - the little hairs on her arms were rising, her heart beating pulping red hot blood inside her, a powerful rapturious dark wet hot pleasure coiling inside her -

"Right, Mulciber and Avery!" Lily spat. "Your friends, your fucking best pals, the same ones you chose over me! Some taste you have! No matter what _you_ think, my lot doesn'tkill. Not intentionally, we never, never would! And we don't go around intimidating people... or _torturing_ people, like Death Eaters do! Like your lot does! I've been working at the Injuries Ward as you perhaps know, seeing as you've spied on me like a right creep! I've seen the cases that come up day after day!"

"Speak for yourself", Severus sneered, his eyes sparkling like blazing coals in his pale face, just a foot away from her now. "I seem to recall a few instances when Potter and Black have proved otherwise! Including the night when I 'stood you up' - when Potter kicked my ribs and nose to a broken bloody pulp! You and your high horse - you think like a child!"

"You're INSUFFERABLE!" Lily screamed losing herself completely, raging fire against his icy disdain. " _You're_ the one being childish! You just – just _swoop in_ , in your _fucking Death Eater robes_ \- and you judge _me_ -?"

"Yes, I do", Severus said and his voice was suddenly perfectly contained and colder than ever as he towered over Lily and examined her. "You are the worst hypocrite I've ever laid eyes on. But I can see that I'm just wasting my time. You prefer to not think for yourself as usual. I wish you a pleasant rest of your life - being controlled and fucked by _Potter._ "

And as he said it, he grabbed Lily by her arm. She jumped, something turning to wet hot liquid inside her – but before she had the time to even scream, she found herself from the empty central plaza of Godrick's Hollow, swaying and almost falling into a muddy gutter. He had Apparated, pushed her away from him - then he was gone. Lily was now alone amidst the grey slush again falling from the skies, with nothing but the sounds of water dripping into the gutter keeping her company. She shivered in a mad whirl of emotions as she stared at his footprints dissolving in the sleet, wanting to throw something, to hit and kick at Severus – to grab him, to torture him, to force him take away the blazing coiling inside her - if only he were here...

Instead she found herself weeping uncontrollably. She cried so hard and shamelessly she could hardly see in front of her as she wailed, and she didn't care even if someone happened to see as she wiped snot off her face. A car drove past her, spilling wet greyish brown gutter-slush all over her, and she didn't care even then.

She wished he wasn't gone.

After collecting herself, Lily Disapparated closer to the Potter manor, not even feeling the cold, just utter exhaustion as she walked through the dark creepy woods surrounding the manor without paying any attention to her surroundings. She was wet, cold, and miserable. Tonight had, without a doubt, been the single worst night of her life. She tried to imagine what Severus was doing back at Spinner's End. _Probably cleaning his neat house back into the perfect order I disturbed,_ she thought bitterly. Then, with a stab of regret, she realised she hadn't even thanked him for saving her life, and her mood sunk. Her head was hurting and she felt weak, just longing to put her head on a pillow and fall asleep. Why did she have to make such a mess of everything these days?

It felt like it had been years since she had burst out of the manor's front door for a few drinks with her friends. The candles in the front hall were lit when she opened the door and sneaked in. The front hall was quiet and empty, and she blew out the candles and made her way upstairs to her bedroom. All she could think about was the bed, with its soft velvet covers and thick pillows. She'd deal with James tomorrw, would come up with some story for him... right now her head was completely empty and she thought of her soft bed with longing. Rubbing her eyes, she opened the bedroom door.

"Where were you?" she heard a voice as she was about to cross the threshold.

Lily lifted her eyes and saw James sitting on an armchair by the window, his expression uncharacteristically serious. He was wearing black pyjamas and a snitch-patterned dressing gown, and next to him was an empty teacup; it appeared like he'd been waiting for her for some time. Lily stopped in her tracks and sighed; of course he was up and waiting for her.

"James... can't we talk tomorrow?" Lily said and opened her cloak, feeling so tired she barely knew what she was saying, just wanting for James to get out and let her sleep. The bed looked so inviting...

"Where were you?" James repeated, a little more forcefully this time. His eyes skimmed over Lily and he pursed his lips. "And why have you changed?"

"Listen, James", Lily said, not coming up with any lies on the spot. She rubbed her eyes again; they felt puffy and sensitive. "I am so tired, I'll fall asleep standing. Can we talk tomorrow morning? I promise I'll explain everything then."

James got up. "No. I don't want to wait until tomorrow morning. I demand you tell me where you've been, right now."

"James -" Lily started.

"I sent an owl to Mary four hours ago", James continued, coming to stand very close to Lily and eyeing her intensely. "She replied you'd left the Leaky Cauldron at ten, saying you were on your way to Madam Malkin's. Madam Malkin's is closed – I got worried and called the boys and we went looking for you. The store's been closed for weeks. Why were you lying to Mary? Who were you meeting, really?"

"I wasn't going to meet anybody", Lily said and sighed again. "Honestly, I get how this looks like..."

"Do you? Then explain!" James nearly shouted the last word, and Lily flinched. James took a deep breath and then seemed to force himself to remain calm. "You lie to your friends, spend the entire night away – you show up wearing different clothes and... and is that a man's cloak?"

Lily's eyes followed his gaze and skimmed over the soaked hem of the long, trailing cloak, only then realising she was still wearing it.

"This... I borrowed it from somebody", Lily said. "I forgot mine when I left..."

James reached over his hand and grabbed at the fabric like he thought he could somehow sense its former owner by touching it. Then he let his hand drop to his side.

"How can you treat me with such disrespect?" He asked, sounding both angry and sad; his eyes were big and hazel and the look in them made Lily feel awful. "Have I ever been nothing but good to you? Have I not given you everything you want?"

Lily was quiet. Now that she stood there, feeling shame wash over herself, she realised exactly how suspicious she probably looked, with her smudged makeup and messy hair, with the dress and the cloak... she was suddenly very glad James couldn't see through her clothes and realise she had lost her underwear along the way, too.

"I think I've been a good boyfriend to you", James continued in a quivering voice, and Lily didn't dare raise her eyes to his. "I believe I've treated you with the respect which I thought you deserved. So how can you do this to me?"

James remained quiet, waiting for her to finally answer. Lily rubbed her eyes again, feeling light-headed from tiredness, then raised her eyes to meet his.

"James, I'm sorry. You have been -" Lily started, but then stopped. James waited, his eyebrows high and his mouth a straight line. Lily took a deep breath. "You know what? Now that I think about it, I'm not sure you have been such a perfect boyfriend after all. Or that you have always treated me with respect, for that matter."

James opened his mouth angrily. "What in Merlin's name are you talking about! Give me even one example of how I have ever disrespected you!"

"Well... how about the fact that you drugged me with Apscondita Adpetevi Absinthium?" Lily asked him, feeling an echo of her earlier fight with Severus in her heart, but unable to quite reach the anger she had felt with him.

"That – that doesn't even count as drugging!" James said and red spots appeared on his cheeks. "You fancied me! You know that you did – that you do! It just helped you -"

"No, it helped _you_ ", Lily said tiredly over his objections. "I've fancied dozens of blokes, you know. Doesn't mean I have wanted a relationship with each of them. And I didn't want one with you, but I ended up in it... for reasons which I now am starting to think were completely wrong to begin with.

"Wrong how?" James asked.

"Well... I didn't love you, for one", Lily said. James made a disbelieving sound in his throat.

"Come on, Lily. As I told you, feelings change over time, my parents were a good example of that – are you really blaming me for giving you another chance?" James asked incredulously.

"No, I mean -" Lily hesitated, "- under other circumstances it would have been very understanding and nice of you... but then everything just turned so serious all of a sudden - with your parents, and you asking me to come and see them..."

"Oh! So you didn't want to come?" James asked angrily. "After I'd offered you the chance to come and live with me when you didn't have a place to go, coming with me to visit my dying parents was too much to ask for? Supporting me when I had nobody else was too much to ask for?"

"No, of course not, James! But you weren't exactly alone, were you? I never would have come if I'd have realised Sirius was going to be there with you, especially since I was so uncertain of my feelings for you, as you very well knew", Lily said tiredly. "And you could've asked Remus and Peter... but you asked me, because I think you knew that if I came, I'd have a much harder time breaking up with you. And while we're on the subject – why do you even want to be with me, James? I mean – we're never alone together. I feel like I'm dating all of your friends, too."

"What's gotten into you?" James asked her, and he was now quite red in the face. "You've changed, Lily."

"Have I?" Lily asked. "Well, maybe it's about time. Because I haven't been happy, James. I know I should have been, but I'm just not."

"This new you..." James said and stared at her like he'd never seen her before. "Is kind of a bitch."

Lily blinked, then nodded curtly. "Right... thanks, James. I guess... that really summed it all up."

James stared at her. Lily turned and went to the drawer, started pulling clothes out haphazardly and throwing them on the bed. She grabbed the small pile of letters from her parents and from Bunny and Mary, which she kept by the nightstad – they looked as though someone, probably James, had gone through them –, along with her toilet bag, and opened the wardrobe to grab her own robes and Muggle clothes. For once, the wardrobe pushed them into her arms without a word of complaint.

"What are you doing?" James asked her.

"I'm moving out", Lily said. "Tonight."

"Come on, Lily! You can't go out there at this time of the night!" James said and sounded a little frightened now. "Okay, okay... so, just go to sleep now. We'll talk in the morning, all right?"

He started backing towards the door.

"Don't, James", Lily said tiredly as she grabbed a pile of socks from the drawer and threw them on the bed. Then she waved her wand and her trunk which was at the foot of her bed opened, and her belongings thudded inside. "Believe me, I'd love to go to sleep and deal with this in the morning, but I just realised that if I do, I'm never going to leave. I'll just keep on living here with you forever, no matter if I'm happy or not, simply because it's easy and I feel like it's expected of me... but now that I think of it, I think it's only you who expects it of me. You expect me to love you, even though I don't even know you. I don't – you're shielding everything meaningful about you behind jokes and pranks and other people. I don't know you, and if I haven't fallen in love with you by now, James, I don't think I ever will. I'm sorry -"

Lily jumped when a lamp by the side of the bed suddenly exploded, and a hand grabbed her in exactly the same spot on her arm where Mulciber had grabbed her. She whirled around in fright to find that James had stridden to her side and was now holding her tightly by the arm. He was very pale, and his warm hazel eyes were wet as he gazed at her through his long lashes.

"I was going to propose to you", he said, his voice trembling. "That's how much I love you. I love you, Lily. I do. I can ask Sirius and Remus give us more time alone if that's the problem. Please don't leave."

Lily stared at him and wanted to cry, but could muster up no tears; she'd spent them all. She reached out her hand and cupped his cheek, realising at that moment that she had grown to love James after all; not the way he wanted her to, but the way that still made her heart hurt as she saw tears gather to his eyes. She wished she could wrap him into her arms and drive away all his pain. James's eyes fluttered closed and he turned his face into her hand, resting his cheek against her palm. Then he opened his eyes and let go of her, turning away from her.

"You smell like him", he said in a dull voice. "You smell like the man you were with."

"James -" Lily started, swallowing the lump in her throat. She took an uncertain step towards him.

"Don't", James said. "Just... leave."

Lily stared at his snitch-patterned back and her insides felt like lead as she understood that it was over. For a moment she wanted to run and share just one more moment of honesty with him, to thank him for everything - to wish him luck and to make him understand how sorry she was for everything, how sorry she was that she couldn't be to him what they both wished she could be. And for a moment James stood there without moving, his shoulders slumped, like some part of him was hoping she would.

Then James straightened himself and walked out of the room. The door closed softly behind him, and then Lily was alone.


	19. Different kinds of families

Note 1: First of all, I was horrified to learn last week that Alan Rickman passed away. I was absolutely gobsmacked and very saddened! I have lit a candle for him and may he rest in peace. I'd like to dedicate this fanfic to him.

Note 2: Thank you for all the reviews for last chapter. I think I received more reviews for that chapter than any other, and I was so happy to get feedback since I think it was a fairly important one and I enjoyed writing it. I'm particularly happy it managed to rouse so many emotions!

 _""_

 _You must remember, family is often born of blood, but it doesn't depend on blood. Nor is it exclusive of friendship. Family members can be your best friends, you know. And best friends, whether or not they are related to you, can be your family._

\- Trenton Lee Stewart

""

The tea pot made a satisfying sound as it hit the wall, the cracked porcelain smashing into tiny shreds and the cold tea staining the curtain. Severus strode out of the kitchen and into the sitting room, the innocent plates and cups on the table suddenly enraging him, the now empty chair opposite his mocking him. How dare she call him childish? What right did she have to call him an idiot - a creep? How could she compare him to _Potter_? The stupid, rich brat of a boy! Where had Potter been when she was on that alley? Severus paced around the sitting room, wishing he had said that to her, fervently wishing he had pointed out all the flaws in her arguments, wishing he had said a great many things to her.

For some time Severus just fumed, kicking furniture out of his way as he paced and wallowed in righteous anger, Lily's sneers and taunts ringing in his ears, until he started to calm down and a brief morsel of doubt creeped into his mind. Had Lily even had her wand on her when he had thrown her out? Severus rushed back into the kitchen, suddenly certain he had sent her off into the dead of night without her wand, alone and defenceless. His eyes skimmed over the plates and glasses on the table, and over her now-empty chair, and he even crouched down to check under the table, but her wand wasn't there either. Maybe she had left it upstairs? He rushed up the stairs, peeked into the still-steamy bathroom and then into his bedroom, checking the bed, but her wand wasn't there either; just the wet towel she had used and his own bathrobe casually thrown over the headboard. He relaxed a little. He hadn't truly expected her to just leave her wand upstairs; if she'd found the dress he'd left her, then she had certainly seen her wand, too. She had seemed frightened by him and therefore wouldn't have left her wand willingly, and who could blame her after what had nearly happened to her tonight – she had clearly been in shock.

Nevertheless, now that Severus had calmed down, a nagging feeling that perhaps he'd acted a little too rashly was starting to grip him. Lily _had_ been in a shock, after all. It was the middle of the night – they had both been tired and in her case, probably severely traumatised. It had been a very bad time to vent out his frustration. Now that his anger subsided Severus felt shame wash over himself, realising he probably hadn't helped her at all. He should have reassured her, not provoked her. And now that the gates of doubt were open, a sudden fear gripped him - what if something happened to her? What if she was in such a shock after the night's events that she couldn't Disapparate, couldn't defend herself – and he had just chucked her alone out on the street? What if she would somehow get lost on her way back to Potter's? Severus wasn't certain where Potter's manor was (it was unplottable) and so he had just chucked her out somewhere in its vicinity. What if Lily didn't know the area? What if it was impossible to Apparate to the manor and she was left wandering around it in the middle of the night? A flurry of horrible scenarios flashed through his mind. Making up his mind in an instant, Severus grabbed his wand, hurried downstairs to the mudroom and grabbed a cloak from the wardrobe, and wrapping it hastily around himself, he Disapparated.

The central plaza of the town where he had left Lily was, to his disappointment, completely empty and quiet. It was so late that everywhere was closed, even the numerous little bars, theatres and kiosks which bordered the plaza from both sides; perhaps luckily, as he only now came to think how publicly he had been Apparating. The wet ground sloshed under his shoes as he rushed to the opposite side of the plaza, keeping his eyes open for any movement from the empty side streets, looking for a glimpse of red hair. He wasn't entirely certain what he intended to do if he happened to find Lily - Apparate back to his house? Escort her to Potter's manor? He had a feeling he couldn't bring himself to do the latter. But he didn't need to make up his mind as there was no sign of Lily anywhere on or near the plaza, just two teenagers passionately fogging up the windows of a nearby parked car, and a dim-eyed drunkard who was pissing into a garbage can on a side alley, and who told Severus in a slurring voice to find his own pissing spot when he passed. Severus eyed the man in disgust but gladly turned away from the alley, throwing one last glance at the empty plaza. Apparently Lily had made her way somewhere, and Severus had to grudgingly admit that it was the best case scenario if she had made it to Potter's place. Out of sheer habit Severus tried to Scan Lily, but met only emptiness in the place in the back of his head where her reassuring presence had been for months - then remembered with a bang of regret he had removed the spell from her. He was so tired he had completely forgotten about it. He kicked the side of the slosh-covered curb angrily. What had he been thinking? Lily had been right – he really was an idiot. Cussing his explosive emotions, he went into a secluded side alley and Disapparated again, slumping down on the same chair in his kitchen where he had sat when Lily had been there.

The cups and plates on the kitchen table opposite Severus disturbed him, the crumbled biscuit and half-empty mug of tea serving as a reminder of exactly how badly he had cocked up again, and he glared at them angrily, like they were the reason for his current misery. She had been _here_ , in his house, for Merlin's sake. Lily Evans had sat right there, on that chair, and had held his hand over the table, telling him she had wanted to kiss him at Slughorn's party. She had been vulnerable and in need of comfort, perhaps at some point or another would even have welcomed it if he had hugged her. And how this miraculous situation – which in his fantasies ended up with her huskily whispering she had always loved him and that Potter had just been a foolish mistake, followed by him taking her passionately against the kitchen table – had ended up with him shouting at her that she was a hypocrite and a sheep for shagging Potter, and with her shouting at him that he was an insufferable creep, was incomprehensible to him. Severus buried his face in his hands. If he could live the last few hours again, he would do everything differently. For a moment he seriously considered the pros and cons of going to work and stealing a Time Turner, but then had to admit that even if he could somehow get away with it, he would have to risk some sort of a messy paradox situation since he'd have to come to the house and knock himself unconscious while Lily was in the bath. _Well done, Snivellus,_ he berated himself. _Way to ruin everything. She's never coming back, you pathetic git._ The thought depressed him tremendously, and the kitchen seemed gloomy and empty now that she was gone. He had to turn his head away from the broken shards of smashed tea pot and from the irritatingly innocent-looking plates and cups on the table.

Glancing at the clock above the door, Severus realised it was quarter past four in the morning. He felt exhausted, like he had been up for weeks. He hadn't managed to make any progress at work with the Death's Door, and was starting to think that perhaps the runes scribbled on its side were nothing but utter gibberish, and other than simply chucking somebody through the arch and seeing what happens, he hadn't come up with any solutions to finding out what its purpose was. But because the Dark Lord seemed to think it was important, Severus had found himself stressed and on the edge, ashamed by his monthly reports of failure and as a result his mind had grown too restless to fall asleep. But right at that moment he felt like he simply couldn't stay awake if he tried.

Sighing, he got up and scuffled upstairs, absent-mindedly removing his clothes on his way. It would be worth a try to get a few hours of sleep at least. He folded his clothes and left them on the divan in his bedroom, then fell on the bed. He was peeved to discover that despite his exhaustion sleep evaded him, and he was left staring at the still wet towel and bathrobe hanging on the headboard of the bed above him in the darkness. He tried to imagine Lily wearing the bathrobe, but instead of the usual thrill he got from those sorts of fantasies, he just felt deflated and unhappy, her very real pale and frightened face popping into his head and making it impossible to enjoy the fantasy-Lily he had tried to conjure up. He gave up, and wondered if she had made it to Potter's manor by now. Would Lily tell him what had happened? Would she let him comfort her? With a mixture of jealousy and loathing, he imagined Lily sleeping next to Potter, his disgusting hands and body all over her, and suddenly didn't feel quite so tired any longer. It was a familiar game, thinking about her with Potter; his special way of torturing himself. Once he got started, it was nearly impossible to push the intrusive thoughts out of his head, no matter how he tried to clear his mind into the empty stage of feelinglessness which Occlumency required. He rubbed his tired eyes and fervently wished he could use Occlumency on himself, but he was absolutely rubbish at it when it came to his jealousy; it seemed to be the single feeling he couldn't push down no matter how hard he tried.

When Lily had been here, he had for a moment thought that there had been some kind of a spark between them. Had there been? Severus couldn't tell; he had hoped and imagined things so many times he didn't trust his judgement any longer. He didn't trust her behaviour either; not after what had happened at Slughorn's party and everything that had followed since. But he couldn't have helped the fluttering warmth spreading inside him when she had grasped his hand over the table, when she had worried for him, and he had still hoped against hope... but then, she had gone back to Potter, her _boyfriend._ Severus hated the entire word, and he hated Potter.

 _James has always been nice to me, and he loves me! And unlike you,_ he _'s not a Death Eater!_

 _Potter_ loved her? Severus's heart beat even quicker and he wished he had another teapot on hand to smash. Potter hardly even knew her! And even if he did love her, his love was nothing compared to what Severus felt for her! Severus was hers, in a way that Potter could never be. Why couldn't it just be enough? Severus grimaced in the darkness, wishing with all his heart that the world could be a different kind of place. As a young boy, back when he had been too young to really understand how the world worked and what sort of men girls like Lily ended up with (good-looking, rich, without tarnishing family backgrounds), Severus had naively assumed they would grow together from childhood into old age, get married and start a family of their own somewhere along the way, and he would be freed of his own loneliness and messed up family by slipping naturally into hers. When he had finally realised how the world really worked, he had guarded her ardently and jealously, terrified of losing her and the dream of a life he had envisioned for them together, feeling a rush of burning resentment whenever she had as much as mentioned some other boy.

For Severus, Lily was _home_ , much more than the bleak house Severus lived in, much more even than Hogwarts had ever been. She had been his first touch into the wonderfully simple routines of a happy family, the sort where people cooked together in a kitchen where the lamps weren't broken and where the sink wasn't covered in dirty dishes, and which ate together in a nicely furnished sitting room, cuddled together by the TV in the evenings; through Lily he had seen a glimpse of a life that lacked the charged, oppressing atmosphere of his own family life (at least save for Lily and Petunia's occasional scuffles). In his mind, she had come to embody this very carefree, loving existence he craved so deeply. He wanted to keep her safe, away from the miseries of life which he had to deal with, he wanted her to keep her idealism and the naïve notion that the world was a good place, because it was that naivete that had made her find _him_ good and worthy, once upon a time. He wanted her. He wanted to live with her, to have her fill his shell of an existence with life and light. She made his blood burn and his body yearn, and she was the keeper of everything that had been dear to Severus in his youth, every single happy moment he could think of. He could never let go of her, because to let go of her meant to let go of himself. And by Merlin, he wanted her, even now when he was so angry at her. But he couldn't have her, or the life he had always wanted to build with her – Potter would. That useless, perfect, rich little prat! As if he didn't have everything else already! Couldn't he have chosen some other clueless girl to throw his stupid infatuation at, why did it have to be Lily? Sometimes Severus had a feeling like Potter had started fancying her out of pure spite, just to add to his misery.

Now that Severus thought of it, it had all been Potter's fault from the beginning. Even tonight - Severus could have perfectly contained his emotions if Potter hadn't been involved; it was his mere existence and the fact that Lily had returned to him at the end of the evening which had caused Severus to lose his temper. Severus clutched his hands into fists in the darkness of his bedroom and let anger consume him. How he hated the pampered imbecile! How much easier his life would be if only Potter didn't exist. Severus had quite often thought about killing him; in fact, Severus had thought of it ever since he had first become acquainted with him, and back then his desire to be rid of Potter and Black had played a large part in his ever-growing interest in the Dark Arts. There had been something reassuring about knowing that there were ways in which their sneers could forever be quenched. Something rousing about having the power to take their lives away, should he choose to do so. When Severus had finally mastered the Unforgivables on his sixth year at school, he had felt like he was carrying around a dark, thrilling secret, and it had been that power which had made it a little easier to bear his separation from Lily, and everything else that had been going on at home around that time. It had been his only source of strength, the only thing that wouldn't ever fail or leave him. It had been _his_.

Of course, things could have been different if after graduation Potter had simply gone his own way, disappearing forever from his life and becoming just a ghost of his memories. Perhaps Severus would have been able to forget about him then. But of course the imbecile had finally succeeded in wooing Lily just in time for graduation, and Severus hated the part he had unwittingly played in their coming-together. But Severus would never allow him to keep Lily. He would _not_ allow for him to make her his wife or the mother of his undoubtedly equally spoiled, dim-witted children. The mere idea made his blood turn into fire in his veins, and he had to fight the urge to explode something. _Never._ No, even if he himself could never have Lily, he would make sure Potter couldn't keep her either. He was the _last_ person on the planet Severus would allow to keep her.

With a rush of adrenaline, Severus suddenly realised he was ready now, and his eyes opened in the darkness. What was keeping him? He had finally killed, had finally tested his skills on something other than river rats; he didn't even feel remorse for killing two of his former dorm mates. Why would he care for Potter, then, the person who had caused him perhaps more misery than any other? A nagging part of him reminded that Lily might not like it if he killed her _boyfriend_. But another part shouted over that tiny voice; she didn't need to know who had killed Potter, she would never find out if he didn't tell her. It was the war - people died all the time. And besides, so what if Lily thought it was wrong? She didn't even love Potter, that much was clear, remaining with him out of convenience - or perhaps because of his money. She would get over Potter's death. And besides, she already thought Severus was doing wrong anyway, he could do no right in her eyes it seemed – she didn't even understand what a great opportunity it was that he had managed to become a Death Eater... but once the Ministry fell, then she would understand. She would understand that he had only become what was wise and necessary, that he could protect her now, and perhaps then she would finally look at him with the same trust and admiration with which she had, a long time ago...

He could do it, couldn't he?

Severus mulled over his thoughts for a long time, unsure whether he was planning or just fantasising like so many times before, his mind too tired and excited to make sense of anything. He felt only a brief lingering stab of doubt as he fostered the satisfying image of Potter's mangled corpse at his feet, at having him at his mercy, begging for death... he felt some dark part of himself humming in satisfaction deep inside him... he imagined Lily telling him she finally understood why it had been necessary he had become a Death Eater... imagined holding her in his arms, kissing her... finally the thoughts slipped from him and turned into restless dreams.

""

Lily had never been to Little Whinging before, and she ended up miscalculating her landing spot slightly. She materialised upon some uneven surface which she soon discovered to be railroad tracks, and her heart jumped into her throat when she upon looking up realised she was staring right into the piercing lights of a train which was speeding towards her – she managed to just leap out of its path and into the thickets next to the tracks, feeling her ankle twist painfully as she fell and rolled down to a shallow. The train sped up past her, its horn ringing in the otherwise silent night. Lily came to a sitting position, and again found herself to be soaked up to her underwear, or, at least would have been had she been wearing any: she'd landed straight into a deep ditch surrounded by shrubs, the bottom of which was full of slush. Her ankle was hurting. She had twigs in her hair. And most of the people she cared about thought she was a traitor. This had to be the worst night in history. For a few miserable moments Lily just sat at the bottom of the ditch, feeling so exhausted she contemplated upon simply conjuring up some sort of a tent and spending the night right there among the shrubs. Might as well start living like a proper homeless person, she thought miserably.

Wiping slosh off her shoulders and trying to collect herself from the pit of despair she felt had made her its permanent resident, she finally inspected her ankle. It was hurting, but not broken. Well, something good at least, she thought as she calculated the total tally of the night. Within hours, she had nearly become murdered, had unwittingly used Dark Magic, then had exploded at Severus like an ungrateful brat, then had severed her ways with James in the worst way possible. That meant that not only had she become homeless, but it would now be unthinkable for her to ever return to his home for the Order meetings. Did that mean she no longer belonged in the Order? Would Dumbledore just allow her to walk away from the Order, when she knew so much about its operations? Thought she had to admit she had been kept in the dark most of the time – she hadn't even taken part in any active resistance. But if she had to go back there, could she ever bear to see James again, see him look at her with those disappointed eyes?

From James, Lily's thoughts jumped back to Severus, and she felt even more wretched as she thought of her childish behaviour towards him. Lily had definitely ruined everything with him for good this time. Killer or not, he had also saved her life, and Lily had only spewed venom on him as thanks. No wonder he had thrown her out. What had she been thinking? Why had she concentrated upon trying to win their petty argument, when what she really should have tried to do was to convince him to leave the Death Eaters? Lily felt utterly miserable, like a right cock-up. She could've kicked herself. The night had been one of the worst ones of her life, a true disaster in every possible way; she felt almost detached from it all, just concentrating on one awful thing at a time, reciting her failings in life like a laundry list. And she still missed Severus, her longing burning inside her like an inextinguishable fire, worse now that she had seen him. For a moment she wondered if Bunny had had a point after all. Was she in love with him? Had that been the reason why she hadn't been able to fall in love with James? Was that why she had found Severus so damn irresistible at Slughorn's party? Then she shook the notion out of her head. She could never love a Death Eater, that she knew for sure. She could never love somebody who thought people like her were below them, somebody who could call her a Mudblood. She had more self-respect than that. Though it certainly didn't feel like it at the present moment when she was sitting in a freezing puddle at the bottom of a ditch somewhere in Surrey.

Lily finally grovelled out of the gutter, shivering, hurting and hating the world, and tried to locate her trunk among the dark shrubs; it had landed a few feet from her, and as she heaved it from the bottom of the shrubs she realised that not only was it soaked, it had also landed on top of a big pile of dog shit. She glared at the trunk angrily, as though it had chosen its landing spot on purpose. Seriously – couldn't this night just be over already? Sighing, Lily scraped away most of the poo with a stick she tore off the bushes, wondering if karma was getting back at her for something, then cleaned up the rest with her wand. She was so cold she could hardly feel her fingers, and for a moment she had an odd desire to giggle. She had to concentrate upon containing herself, and realised in alarm that she still quite clearly wasn't all right in the head. Looking around herself, she saw that there were some buildings in the distance and started limping towards them, hoping she was going the right way. Lily didn't dare put up another warmth charm, bitterly remembering what had happened last time she had decided to advertise her whereabouts, and so she was trembling and cold to her bones by the time she reached the metal fence surrounding the rails, her tiredness making everything worse. Feeling exhausted beyond measure, Lily didn't bother to walk along the fence trying to locate a gate or other opening, but instead dug out her wand and straight out melted the metal, then crawled right through the uneven hole she had created, which painfully ripped at her hair and Severus's long cloak.

Lily could hear the sounds of some youngsters talking and kicking cans inside the open-air train station, but other than that the only person who seemed to be around so early in the morning was a pudgy dog walker in a windbreaker, who stopped her cocker spaniel and eyed Lily with curiosity as she limped from the dark gated area behind the station building.

"You all right, there?" The woman asked Lily as she sloshed out of the muddy grass between the buildings.

"Yeah, thanks", Lily said, wiping wet strands off her face and again had a weird desire to giggle. "Uh, just out for a, um, morning walk..."

She quickly heaved her trunk behind her and tried not to trip over Severus's long cloak as she sloshed towards the row of buildings she figured must include the one her mother had mentioned in one of her letters. The buildings around the train station were identical three-storey buildings, which lacked both in character and good building materials. Even in the darkness Lily could see that the walls bore stains caused by acid rain, and that some of the rain chutes were broken. The neighbourhood was a world away from the comfortable and spacious house her family had used to live in. She reached for her pocket and pulled out the letter she had haphazardly eyed before Disapparating from the Potter manor, skimming over the text written in a ballpoint pen.

 _Hello darling,_

 _Your father and I were so excited to receive your diploma! We couldn't have been prouder of you love, your grades were superb. Not that we ever doubted you for one second!_

 _About those other news of yours: how very exciting to hear this James Potter has invited you to live in his manor, although I'm surprised we haven't heard of him until now if you're already that serious about him. Your father absolutely insists upon meeting him, so you must bring him over for tea some time. Shall we prepare ourselves for news of an engagement sometime soon..?_

 _Our current address is Engine Driver's Street 15 AB 12, 287890 Little Whinging. Very easy to find, as it's right next to the train station. Don't be a stranger!_

 _With love,_

 _Mum  
_

The cocker spaniel walker loitered around Lily, too close to her liking, and so she pushed the letter back into her pocket and tried to find number 15 among the row of houses. To her immense relief, number 15 really was easy to find, as it was the second house next to the train station. Lily shuffled towards the building and tried the door. It was locked, but it clicked open with a simple Alohomora. Slightly embarrassed about showing up at her parents's doorstep at that time of the night but too tired to stop and think of another place to go, she walked up the stairs to the second floor, dragging her trunk behind herself and rang the doorbell several times. She pushed her wand in her pocket and tried to smooth down her hair to the best of her ability as she waited.

It was quiet for quite some time. Lily had just pulled out her wand again, ready to blast the whole damn door out of her way if necessary to get into a bed, when she finally heard steps from inside. The door opened a crack; his father's dazed face appeared into the doorway. His eyes widened in shock as he took in her probably miserable form.

"Lily! My goodness!" He yanked the door open and stared. "What on Earth's happened to you?"

"Dad", Lily breathed in relief, feeling focused for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. Her father was wearing flannel pyjamas and a dressing gown he had mistakenly put on inside out, and his blond hair was messy; he looked so homey that Lily felt her heart could burst any moment now, and she found herself from his arms, wiping away sudden tears falling from her eyes.

"What is it, Mark? Who is it?" Lily heard her mother's voice from somewhere behind him.

"It's Lily – Lily's here!" Lily's father said, sounding shocked still but hugging Lily tightly. He tried to pull her inside but Lily hung around his neck like a heavy sack of potatoes, never wanting to let go of him, and he had to almost lift her inside the flat to be able to close the door. "What is it, darling? Come inside, tell us what's happened."

Lily shook her head, not knowing where to start. She took in a small flat with a small kitchenette to the right, and a tiny sitting room where a door led to a bedroom. Lily's mother was standing by the kitchenette door, wearing a dressing gown, her face covered in some sort of a green facial mask and her curlers hidden under a silk scarf. Underneath the green goo she looked just as shocked as Lily's father had.

"Good gracious, Lily! You're soaked!" She exclaimed as Lily's father walked her into the sitting room. Lily didn't object when she grabbed a blanket from atop a sofa and came to wrap it around her. Lily removed the uncomfortably damp cloak from around herself and threw it over the sofa's armrest, then let her wrap the blanket around her shoulders.

"Rose, can you make us some tea?" Lily's father asked, and Lily's mother disappeared into the kitchenette, where Lily soon heard the sounds of water being poured into the kettle.

"What's going on, darling?" Lily's father inquired again as he sat her down on the sofa. Lily shivered inside the blanket and tried to control her chattering teeth. Her father wrapped his arms around her and she curled to his side the way she had as a little girl. She wondered how she could summarise the events of the night. She decided to not mention the attempted rape and murder, or the bubbling corpse hitting the cobblestones, or Severus's part in any of it; her parents weren't the type of people who would understand, they would probably think they were mad, the lot of them. She suppressed a chuckle, then wiped away the tears gathering in her eyes, and saw her father eye her in worry.

"It's over between me and James", she finally said when she managed to calm herself down, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself. "This has been the worst night of my life. Everything's so messed up."

Lily's mother appeared back in the doorway, holding a packet of biscuits in her hand. Lily was again reminded of Severus and the crumbled biscuits they'd picked at. She turned her head away and sniffed.

"Did James leave you?" Her mother asked her, sounding shocked. "At this hour!"

Lily shook her head. "No, I left him... sort of... long story."

Lily saw her mother exchange a glance with her father, and had she not been so tired, she would have blushed a little. She felt like an utter failure. Supposedly an adult, crawling to her parents' home at this hour, having messed up her life. She suddenly didn't feel like laughing anymore, but the tears continued to stream out of her eyes. Her mother dug out a packet of tissues from somewhere and handed it to her.

"Anyway... can I stay here for the night?" Lily asked, avoiding the eyes of her parents and blowing her nose.

"Of course you can, sweetie", Lily's father said and patted her shoulder. "You don't need to even ask."

"Stay as long as you want", Lily's mother said and came to give her a kiss on the forehead, then gently wiped off the smear of face mask she had left behind on Lily's forehead. She smelled of her expensive vanilla hand cream, the same one Lily and Petunia had nicked and ate with a spoon as children, and which had caused them both to vomit for hours. Lily felt new tears gather into her eyes; her emotional swings were getting ridiculous.

"If you don't mind", she started, swallowing the tears and blinking rapidly. "I think I'd like to skip the tea. I'd rather just sleep..."

"Of course. We'll talk in the morning. I'll make the bed - well, the sofa – for you", Lily's mother said and disappeared to the bedroom. Lily's father helped Lily up and hugged her while Lily's mother made a bed on the sofa using the sheets and blankets she had brought with her from the bedroom. Lily's mother also brought her pyjamas, and after bidding her good night her parents disappeared into the bedroom. Lily changed and fell on the sofa. The bedding smelled like home and she buried her face into the pillow, immediately wetting the fabric in tears. She was asleep in seconds.

Much, much later, Lily woke up groggily, having mummified herself wonderfully inside a heavy, fresh-smelling blanket, and for a moment she thought she was back in her old bedroom in Cokeworth. The air was full of homey scents; the sheets smelling of the washing powder her mother used, the morning-scent of coffee wafting in from downstairs; even the reassuring gurgling of pipes in the walls was there. Lily rolled on her back and peeked through her eyelids, expecting to see the slanted ceiling above her old bed, on which she had glued glowing stars as a child. She didn't; instead, she saw a perfectly ordinary, starless ceiling where paint had chipped slightly. She blinked in the pale light, her eyes puffy and sore, and remembered where she was. Everything that had taken place the night before crashed back to her mind. Her eyes trailed towards the armrest of the sofa, but Severus's cloak was no longer there; turning her head slightly she saw that it was hanging from a hanger by the door, together with the muddy dress she had been wearing when she came in. She wished it had still been on the armrest; she'd have wanted to wrap herself into it, muddy or not.

"Morning, peanut", Lily heard her father say and turned her face to see him sitting by a small round table by the window, drinking coffee from a large yellow mug. "Your mum went to the store. Coffee?"

"Thanks, dad", Lily muttered in a hoarse voice and heaved herself up into a sitting position, still clutching the blanket around herself. She sat there for a while and stared at her surroundings, trying to wake up. Her mind felt empty and hollow, like somebody had carved away all the happiness in her. Even the scent of home didn't ease her emptiness. Lily heard the faraway sound of a train passing by, its horn echoing over the distant noise of traffic pushing through the thin walls of the building, and couldn't understand how she had managed to sleep in all the noise. She had no idea what time it was, but her head was still hurting like she hadn't been sleeping for very long.

Taking in her surroundings, she noticed that the flat was exactly as she had expected it to be; peach walls and ugly paintings of salmon-coloured flowers, a patterned sofa and rust-coloured kitchenette cupboards. There was a bookshelf but there were no books on it, just decorations. Every decoration in the room practically screamed Petunia, from the ugly glass poodles on the bookshelf to the beige blanket Lily had wrapped around her shoulders last night, and which had now been folded on the armrest where Severus's cloak had been. The only thing missing from the flat was Petunia herself, but Lily could easily imagine her there, wearing some yellow flower-patterned apron or another, humming out of tune as she flipped bacon on a frying pan in the kitchenette. Lily almost wished she was there, having one of her rare moments of deep longing for her sister. The flat wasn't quite as neat as Lily assumed Petunia would keep it; their father was messy and had conquered the space as his own by happily showering the surfaces with his miniature airplanes (his hobby and passion) and half-finished jars of jam (his other passion) and there was a large pile of washed laundry on the chair opposite him. Finally Lily gingerly got up (her ankle was still hurting a little from last night's fall), wiped her messy hair out of her eyes, and still clutching the blanket around herself moved to the third chair next to her father.

"I'll get you a cup", her father said and set down his cup, getting up.

"It's okay, dad", Lily said and gestured towards the kitchenette. Her father sat back down and looked at her in interest as a coffee-filled cup soon fled across the room and Lily grabbed it mid-flight, then poured a heapful of milk into it.

"I thought you needed a wand for that", he said, sounding admiring.

"Well, not for everything, not anymore", Lily said and shrugged, out of habit feeling a little proud of herself. Then the feeling disappeared, making way for despair, and she fixed her face towards her mug. There was a plate full of ham sandwiches on the table, and realising she was famished, Lily took two.

"You feeling better now, love?" Her father asked her, eyeing her gently over the plate. Lily shrugged.

"No more nightmares?" Her father asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Huh?" Lily asked, her mouth full of sandwich. She swallowed and frowned.

"Don't you remember? You had night terrors last night", her father said and raised his eyebrows. "I rushed in swinging a bedside lamp - we thought someone had broken in by the way you were screaming."

Lily shook her head and felt herself blush. She hadn't had night terrors since she'd been a little child, but after last night it didn't particularly surprise her they had come back. Mulciber's slowly opening trouser buttons, his leering blood-soaked eye and the bubbling, hissing corpse hitting the cobblestones sprang to mind, and she shivered. She was very glad she couldn't remember what she had dreamed of.

"So... settling in?" Lily asked, quickly changing the subject and eyeing the jars of jam and the clutter on the surfaces. Her father beamed.

"Surprisingly well!" He said. "It took us a while to get used to the trains, but now I don't even wake up to the sounds. Petunia offered to let us keep the flat, but I think not - the view's not my cup of tea, to be honest." And he gestured vaguely at the bleak, industrial view of the train tracks outside.

"Has Tuney moved out for good, then?" Lily asked, chewing on her sandwich.

"Yes, right after the engagement -"

Lily dropped her sandwich, her stomach lurching. "She got engaged? When?"

Her father scratched his head. "Three months ago, maybe? Hasn't she told you?"

"No", Lily said and stared at her half-finished sandwich.

"Oh. Well, she's probably been busy with the new house and all... you do know they bought a house here, in Little Whinging? She's been very excited about renovating and furnishing it..."

"Oh, right." Lily said, thinking of peach coloured walls and not coming up with anything else to say. So, Petunia hadn't just gotten engaged, she had bought a house, too. One more thing Lily had missed completely. Her father looked at her a little uncertainly, then sipped his coffee. Lily did the same. They were both avoiding talking about her unexpected arrival; Lily because she didn't want to go to the details, and her father probably because he didn't really know how to broach the subject.

"Anyway. So, as I was saying, a better view would be nice", he finally started again. "After Petunia suggested we keep the flat, we started thinking... and now we're seriously considering buying a new flat for just us two, somewhere closer to the University. Never could've imagined living anywhere else than back home, but to tell you the truth, the house was starting to feel a little empty with both you and Petunia gone. The couple that's living there now, Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins, they have something to do with the committee intending to reopen the factory, you see, and now that that's confirmed, they have actually made an offer on the house, can you believe it?"

Lily nearly choked on her coffee.

"That – that's... " she coughed, tears rising to her eyes. "And... and what have you decided?"

"Well, nothing, yet", her father said and ran his hand through his hair, looking pensive. "I love the house. Thought I'd live there for the rest of my life. Die there, too. The idea of some strangers moving to my house of dreams is weird. The house where you were born." He smiled. "But then again, they have a lease agreement until the end of April, so we don't need to decide yet."

Lily was quiet for a moment, digesting the unexpected news. She couldn't have imagined it possible to feel even more homeless and alone than she had last night, but apparently it was. Her childhood home – gone. Slanted ceilings, creaking wooden floors, the wild rose bushes out on the yard that nobody ever bothered to care for, but which bloomed every June anyway. Summer mornings on the patio, drinking tea under blankets and listening to the faraway humming of traffic at the intersection, and her mum complaining about having to re-paint the house 'one of these days'. Lily tried to imagine never going back there, but couldn't, the hollowness inside her growing a thousandfold. It felt like she had left a part of herself there. Last Christmas, she never would have imagined it would be the last time she went there. Had she known, she would have said tender goodbyes to every awkward angle and nook and creaky floorboard...

And Petunia engaged and moving into a proper house, having started a whole new chapter of her life without Lily even knowing about it. With sadness, Lily realised that their relationship as sisters would probably never be mended either. She would just remain another person in Lily's life with whom she had messed up everything with. And she had always thought they would have more time... Lily suddenly didn't feel very hungry any more, and settled on just silently sipping her coffee, swallowing back a lump in her throat. She wished she hadn't come here – even sleeping on the bottom of the ditch suddenly felt like a better idea than coming here only to hear she had grown out of her family, had lost everyone and everything she cared about...

"All right, peanut?" Lily's father shook her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, sorry", Lily muttered. Then she sighed and pushed her cup of coffee away from her, leaning back in her chair. "Actually, no. How come I keep hearing about this stuff months after it's happened, dad? How come Petunia didn't tell me she's engaged? And how come you didn't tell me you're moving here? That you're thinking of selling the house?"

She couldn't keep the blame out of her tone. Her father scratched his head and looked uncomfortable. Lily stared at him, suddenly afraid to hear that it was because they had grown irreversibly apart. She couldn't bear it if he said it, not now when everything was so messed up already. She felt tears threatening to rise to her eyes again and blinked them away angrily.

"I'm sorry, sweetie", her father said and looked unhappy. "You've been away a lot. It's hard to remember you don't see what's happening in our day to day life. And you have your own exciting life to live, and -"

"Exciting", Lily muttered petulantly. "Well, that's one word for it."

Lily's father was quiet for a while, and Lily stared at the carcass of her sandwich, feeling like everything was against her.

"So... about this situation of yours. This James must have done something pretty bad to have you running off into the night like that, huh?" Lily's father finally asked her, apparently deciding that the subject of Lily's failed love life was lighter than discussing their deteriorated family relationships.

"No, James didn't do anything in particular", Lily sighed, disappointed at the change of topic. She wondered how much she should tell her father. Her parents knew nothing of the tensions between purebloods and Muggleborns, of the war, or the way her heart leaped into her throat every time she thought of Severus. In fact, they knew nothing of him these days, since she had glossed over their separation years before, having told them that Severus had simply started hanging out in a different crowd at school; that they had grown apart like so many did, instead of having become ripped apart from each other like a bandage from a sore wound. Lily's father continued to eye her expectantly.

Lily sighed again. "I just cocked everything up, dad. I don't know what I was thinking. I just sort of ended up with James, and then I was so miserable... and then last night..." she leaned her head in her hands and stared at her coffee mug in anguish, unable to explain without going into too much detail. "He could have been _perfect._ Not for me, but for somebody else. You would have loved him. He would have made such a perfect son-in-law."

"Well, not to us, it seems", Lily's father said and gave her a weird look. "Why did you move in with him in the first place, if that's how you felt?"

"Because I'm bloody stupid", Lily muttered.

"You're not stupid, peanut", her father said and set his coffee mug aside, taking her hand over the table and giving it a squeeze. He looked at her with a terribly gentle look on his face, like she'd have scraped her knee and he was about to put on a plaster on the cut. "And even if you were stupid, you're allowed to. You're still young, you know. Plenty of time still to get some extra stuffing into that nut."

He knocked Lily's head gently, then cupped her cheek. Lily managed a small smile.

"Why didn't you come sooner?" her father asked. "Even just to visit? We missed you."

"To tell you what?" Lily said and gave a small laugh which only sounded sad. "Tell you how amazing my post-graduation life is? How great it is to live in a manor? Tell you all about my perfect boyfriend and my – what was it – 'exciting life'?" She shook her head. "I'm sorry, dad. I did want to, but I just couldn't. I wouldn't have come even now if I'd have come up with any other place to go. Not that I didn't want to see you guys... but I'm just so..."

She didn't finally come up with a proper word for the wallowing mess of emotions inside her, so she just snapped her mouth shut and stared at the surface of the table.

"Listen to me, Lily", her father said and sounded strict as he spoke. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. You're our daughter, and we love you no matter what. You're always welcome to come to us when you need help. Always welcome to tell us of anything that troubles -"

"But we never even talk any more! Unless you count me sending you my school reports by owl as talking!" Lily lashed out, shaking her father's hand off. "Not even at Christmas! Why does nobody tell me anything these days? Why didn't you tell me you were getting laid off, dad? Just another minor thing you forgot to tell? I had to hear it from Petunia, for God's sake! All you did was ask me about my school marks and boyfriends, or whether or not I liked the Christmas pudding! Like there was nothing more important to talk about!"

Lily's father sighed. Lily bit her tongue, nearly about to continue the stream of unintentional words escaping her lips, but reminding herself just in time that her latest arguments had brought her nothing but grief. She took a deep breath. Her father sipped his coffee calmly but looked a little embarrassed.

"Do you remember Mr. Huggles?" Lily's father asked her out of the blue. Lily slumped against the back of her chair, narrowing her eyes.

"Yeah...?" she said cautiously, having a feeling like her father was just trying to derail the conversation. "What about him?"

"Well... I happen to have him here somewhere", Lily's father said and smiled slightly mischievously. He got up and disappeared into the bedroom, leaving Lily to sit in confusion. She heard him rummaging around the cupboards, and soon he re-appeared, carrying an enormous blue teddy bear, which he pretended was waving at Lily, just like he'd done when Lily was a child. "We packed up most of our stuff and left it in the cellar of the house... But I couldn't just leave him behind, could I?"

Lily reached for her teddy bear but her father didn't hand it over to her, instead fixing a scrutinising eye to the bear, smoothing its worn blue fur. He looked nostalgic.

"I don't suppose you remember when I won him for you?" He asked. "In Blackpool, at that fair?

"Yeah, I do", Lily said and let her hand drop. "You won him at darts. I was like seven or something."

"Ah. You have a very good memory, peanut", Lily's father said and gave her a tender smile. "Although you were six, actually."

Lily sighed and crossed her arms. "What's Mr. Huggles got to do with anything, dad?"

"Well... I have this lovely memory of you after I'd just won him for you", her father said and handed her the teddy. He cleared his throat and Lily noticed his cheeks were a little red. "One of my absolute favourites, in fact. When I gave you the teddy, you hugged it – it was the same size as you, almost! - and you looked up at me with those sparkling, pretty eyes of yours, and with the biggest smile I've ever seen... and told me, and I quote: 'Daddy, is there _anything_ you can't do?'"

Lily's father bent down to cup her cheek again, giving her another tender smile. Then he turned his face away, cleared his throat again and sat back down. Lily hugged the teddy against her and looked at her father, wondering where he was going with this.

"You know... it's hard to explain this to one's own child", her father continued, scratching his chin and fixing his gaze somewhere over Lily's shoulder. "But children often have this strong need to look up to their parents. And parents usually fear more than anything that they are going to be a disappointment to their own children. And you, little lady, held me in such high regard to begin with that I just hated to imagine not meeting appropriate standards."

He was silent for a while and continued to scratch his chin, staring at a spot behind Lily. "I originally thought I'd find a new job... turned out I was too old. Nobody would hire me. And then... I guess I just didn't want you to know I was failing so miserably in life. I meant to tell you at Christmas... but, well. Turns out your father is a wuss."

He cleared his throat again and looked terribly embarrassed.

Lily grabbed her father's hand and squeezed it in hers, her heart aching for him. "I would never think you're a failure, dad. Never, okay? Your job's got nothing to do with it. Nothing. I thought you were the best even back when I didn't even know what you did for a job, okay? You're the best, because you're my _dad_."

Lily's father stared at the table and smiled sadly. Lily again felt tears rise to her eyes, but managed to reign them in for once.

"Hey", she said and squeezed his hand again, attempting a smile. "You do know you're the best dad I've ever had."

The corner of Lily's father's mouth twitched. Lily smiled and poked at him on the arm.

"Actually, I chose you as my dad just because of your superb dart throwing skills", she teased him, swallowing the lump in her throat. "So don't worry, you're not completely useless."

"Well, you know, I chose you as my daughter because you inherited my mother's eyes", her father answered, sounding almost serious, but then poked her back and smiled. "Even at the risk of your appalling sense of humour. Now, give us a hug, peanut."

Lily jumped up and hugged her father, planting a wet kiss on his cheek. Her father wiped it off laughing.

"So... why'd you choose Petunia as my sister, then?" Lily asked.

"So someone in the family would have an even more appalling sense of humour than you", Lily's father answered. "Now. You better help me iron this pile of laundry, or else your mother will have my head. Or hide all my jam."

Lily giggled and helped her father dig out the ironing board and iron, and she didn't even attempt to use magic, rather enjoying the old familiar routine of manually ironing and folding the laundry, and listening to her father's chattering, her heart bursting with tenderness towards her family, with its flaws and all. Perhaps she had come to the right place after all.

""

Lily sneaked out of the shadows near the wardrobe like some sort of a nightmare character, but not frightening at all. She climbed into the bed with him, her body wonderfully heavy against his lap. She was wearing his bathrobe and she shook it off her shoulders, revealing valleys of naked pale skin as she leaned against him and kissed him with wet, swollen lips, tasting of mint tea and honey, smelling of home. She whispered she had waited for him in the kitchen and he told her he was so sorry, that he hadn't known she had waited for him. She started undressing him, trailing hot kisses on his exposed skin, making him sweat and tremble underneath her, and he wanted to melt into her, become an extended part of her. There were light beams coming off her skin and sinking into his naked stomach and chest every time she separated from him, and he pulled her closer, and she made them both glow. He laughed against her mouth, feeling so happy his heart was about to burst. Lily laughed too, and their laughs mingled like silver bells. Then suddenly her laughter died as she grabbed his arm painfully, staring at the revealed Dark Mark on his skin, and the light beams disappeared. He tried to pull his hand away in shame and fear, struggling against her tight grasp, but she held on and stared and her nails bore into his skin where the Mark was, so deep that hot blood poured out from under her fingers...

Severus woke up to searing pain, clasping his arm in half-sleep. The Dark Mark burned black on his arm, and he was up in a flash and grabbed the first robes which his hand met upon thrusting it inside the wardrobe, dressing up in hurry. The Mark continued to burn unpleasantly throughout him dressing up, and he stopped what he was doing as his head cleared a bit and he realised he should of course wear his Death Eater robes instead of the ones he had pulled on. He changed quickly, conjured the mask in place, and Disapparated, having an inkling that this had something to do with the two bodies in Diagon Alley.

Severus Apparated directly to the Lestrange manor, the burning Mark pulling him towards his destination like an invisible rope tied around his arm. He didn't arrive alone; all around him, black-clad figures were appearing in swooshes, the masks turning towards one another as they turned their heads and silently wondered what was going on, why they were being summoned en masse so soon, right after last night's meeting. The Dark Lord sat at the head of the dining table like usual, and his Death Eaters crowded on the edges of the room, afraid to be placed near him. By now, they had all learned to recognise his good days and his bad days. This was quite evidently one of the latter.

It was silent for a long while, and the Dark Lord glared at his followers with burning eyes, seeking eye contact behind the masks; he had the appearance of a frightening gargoyle, his face disfigured and his white, black-clad figure perfectly still. Severus silently retreated behind the backs of some Death Eaters near him, not wishing for his master to learn what he had done last night. He had been practising his Occlumency all throughout the summer, looking for relief from the whispers in the Chamber of Death, but didn't wish to put his skills to the test if he could help it, especially so early in the morning when his head was hurting and his mind was dazed from the lack of sleep. He tried to calm himself, blending to the masses of black robes and masks around him.

The Dark Lord leaned over the dining table, as though trying to physically push himself into the mind of whomever it was who had stumbled upon his view. The single other character sitting at the table on the other hand leaned towards him, eagerly awaiting for his words; Bellatrix Lestrange, the only person not wearing Death Eater robes. Only she would have the nerve to defy rules in such a manner, but the Dark Lord didn't seem to even notice her lack of suitable attire. But then again, Severus had long since noticed that the Dark Lord put up with much more impudent behaviour from her than he ever would have accepted from his other followers, and had often wondered why; perhaps the Dark Lord enjoyed cuckolding Bellatrix's husband so much that it was worth putting up with her madness. Or perhaps he appreciated the fact that she was the only person mental enough to truly be willing to risk their lives for him personally. Or perhaps she was fantastic in bed, Severus thought, and grimaced behind his mask as he tried not to dwell any further upon that particular disturbing trail of thought.

"So, it is true", the Dark Lord finally said as he eyed the crowd around himself, shaking Severus out of his disturbing imaginings. "We are missing two of our... family members."

Severus heard whispering from behind himself, but the sound died down as the Dark Lord's eyes again ran over the cowering crowd. Severus admired his way of silencing everyone with nothing but a well-placed look, and fixated his eyes upon the Dark Lord. Now that he was out of the Dark Lord's immediate view, he felt slightly more relaxed.

"It has come to my attention late last night", the Dark Lord continued and let his eyes wander over his followers. "That two of my Death Eaters have been discovered in Diagon Alley, dead."

More whispers, confused this time. It wasn't particularly unusual that some Death Eater or another died, sometimes falling victims to Aurors in battle, and sometimes getting killed in other circumstances. While every death was disturbing up to a degree (people always wondered how they themselves could avoid the same fate), the Dark Lord hardly ever mentioned such deaths. And this was the first time he had summoned them only to make such an announcement. Severus was curious too, and slightly nervous – why did the Dark Lord care? He tried to again push his emotions down, concentrating on breathing in and out, slowly, in and out, in and out. Finally he was back in control of his emotions, almost convincing himself that he was as oblivious to the circumstances surrounding his former dorm mates' deaths as the rest of the Death Eaters. His shields locked into place, and he looked on, unemotionally and detachedly.

"I can see that it is surprising to many of you why you have been called here", the Dark Lord said. "But have I always not said that this is my true family? Yes, each and every one of you -" he gestured around himself and Severus saw Bellatrix lean even closer to the Dark Lord and gaze upon him like he was a living god sitting in their midst "- you are my true family. And it troubles me greatly that my family members should be slain in such a way as has come to my attention."

Severus stared at the Dark Lord. He hadn't expected him to feign false personal interest in the deaths; Severus knew for a fact that the Dark Lord hadn't much appreciated Morland, only having made him a Death Eater because of his father, as seemed to be a tradition in certain families. The Dark Lord favoured very few people, and Severus was pleased to count himself into that group, for a moment revelling in the idea that he had been chosen for such an honour even among the Death Eaters. But then he remembered that also Bellatrix Lestrange belonged into that group. The idea disturbed Severus a little, and he eyed the woman in contempt. He hoped the similarities ended there.

"My Lord", Bellatrix breathed. "How do you wish for us to avenge their deaths? I volunteer myself for any crusade you see fitting, my Lord..."

"A crusade..." the Dark Lord said contemplatively. "No, I shall not require any services of yours for now, Bellatrix."

Bellatrix looked terribly offended, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms, looking very much like a petulant child. The Dark Lord paid her no attention, instead getting up and eyeing the Death Eaters again.

"I need the services of the press. Amorin!" he said and walked into the middle of the room, the Death Eaters backing away from his path. There was movement in the crowd, then a tall Death Eater stepped out from behind the others and bowed deeply. The Dark Lord turned towards him.

"At your service, my Lord", the Death Eater said. The Dark Lord nodded.

"I wish you to write a front page-worthy news piece about the tragic murders", the Dark Lord said and smiled his terrifying smile. The crowd behind Severus started whispering again.

"News about the murders?"

"When my father was blown up by Aurors, he didn't even mention -"

"-thought all our losses were supposed to be kept hushed -"

"If you have any opinions you'd like to present", the Dark Lord said and turned abruptly towards the crowd, his wand in hand and scarlet eyes gleaming dangerously. "I implore you to step out and speak."

The crowd fell silent in a second, silenced by his dreadful glare. The Dark Lord eyed the Death Eaters around himself challengingly and finally turned back towards the Death Eater in front of him, satisfied with the stony silence which had fallen upon the crowd of his followers.

"Now. I do not wish you to mention anything about the identities of the victims, nor about them being Death Eaters", he continued. "Write a captivating news piece about a double murder, two men killed – ah so terrifyingly - by Dark Magic, and promise a hefty reward for anyone who has any information leading to the capture of the killer. Say – 10 000 Galleons."

The man from the Daily prophet nodded solemnly. Severus felt some tremors of fear breaking through his shields before he pushed his emotions back into oblivion, analysing the situation objectively. It hadn't crossed his mind last night that of course the Dark Lord would be interested in the murders, since the mere fact that they had been committed by Dark Magic suggested that one of his own Death Eaters was responsible, that the men hadn't just been killed in a fight or as a result of an accident. The Dark Lord certainly wanted to find out and kill the person who was out of his control, who had turned against his own... he should have realised this was going to happen. But they wouldn't find anything. Would they?

"Now – every one of you, my friends, should of course come forth with any information you might possess..." the Dark Lord continued.

"My Lord!" A woman from the crowd said at once and bowed. "Mulciber and Avery left the ceremony early last night! I saw them sneak out while you were dismissing us, my Lord!"

"I heard them speak earlier that they were going out for some drinks -" another started, describing in excruciating detail how he had heard Morland tell Horton that he knew a place where their Death Eater robes guaranteed them good service.

The Dark Lord nodded and looked pensive.

"Very well. Now leave", he finally said and made a dismissive gesture. He walked back to the table and sat down. The Death Eaters around him started Disapparating, relieved to get back to their homes. Severus was just about to Disapparate, when -

"Severus", the Dark Lord said abruptly, and he halted, his heart seemingly stopping beating for a moment. The Dark Lord stared straight at him, as though he had recognised him from the crowd all along.

"I need to have a word with you, Severus", the Dark Lord said and smiled terrifyingly. "Bellatrix, leave us."

Bellatrix, who apparently hadn't been expecting to be told to leave, hissed and gave Severus a nasty look, then got up so quickly that her chair fell on the ground, and stormed out of the room.

Severus soon found himself alone with the Dark Lord, for the first time since the time he had first met him. He bowed deeply and then straightened himself, trying to remain calm as he realised that if the Dark Lord tried to push himself into his mind, he would for the first time need to conceal something from him; it wouldn't be easy, not in such close proximity, not when he actually had something to hide. He pushed every memory and thought of last night to the background, concentrating only on the Dark Lord; the respect and admiration he felt for him, the way he felt his enormous power wash over him, on his thoughts about how he longed for the day wizards could walk freely on the streets, without having to worry about dim-witted Muggles...

"Severus", the Dark Lord said, and Severus was relieved to feel him merely dipping into his head before removing himself, seemingly content at whatever loyalty he saw reflected there. "Sit. What news do you have about your subject of study?"

Severus sat down quickly but hesitated. The Dark Lord eyed him expectantly and Severus had to turn his eyes away from the horrid face before him, afraid he would go deeper into his mind, that he would discover everything if he was careless...

"I must yet again give you disappointing news", Severus said, lowering his head in shame that was only half faked, and praying to any and all deities that he wouldn't push deeper into his mind. "I have not been able to crack the mystery of the Death's Door, as I find myself unable to determine the language in which the runes are written. But I have had more success with the Shells -"

"The Shells do not interest me", the Dark Lord said, his voice metallic and cold, and Severus felt compelled to turn back towards him, eyeing the wand on the table, his own hand curling around the wand in his pocket instinctively, then turning his gaze towards the scarlet eyes. "I have been very patient with you, Severus. I had such high expectations of you... all throughout the summer, I have waited. I have grown tired of waiting."

Severus waited without a word, forcing himself to keep his gaze in the Dark Lord's eyes. It was like looking into the eyes of a beast, and he wondered whether or not he was provoking him; he couldn't tell, the Dark Lord's eyes always burned, always looked so ominous.

"The Death's Door is of utmost interest and importance to me. Now perhaps more than ever..." the Dark Lord said and absent-mindedly traced the wand lying on the table next to him with one finger. He had a strange look on his face; he looked almost like he was worried. "Recite me again what the writing says – the one you have managed to read."

Severus cleared his throat. _"_ Roughly translated... _'A soul walks through Death's door, to request life anew, and shall be granted if deemed worthy, body and soul renewed.'"_

"If deemed worthy, life anew..." the Dark Lord repeated and stared at Severus with a look on his face that looked almost hungry. "This arch intrigues me, Severus - very much indeed. I believe it will be of use to me. I wish you to continue remaining out of battles, and to concentrate all your time and energy on this arch. If you succeed and the information will be of use to me – I will make you a man rich beyond your dreams. But should you fail..."

Severus waited, the hairs on the back of his neck raising, already knowing what the Dark Lord would say.

"It will be a waste, but I have no use for disappointing soldiers, Severus", the Dark Lord said and eyed him with an unreadable expression. "You have until the end of the year. Do not disappoint me. Now – leave."

Severus scrambled up and Disapparated, barely remembering to even bow, soon finding himself from the mudroom of his house and immediately slumping against the wall. He Vanished his mask and wiped the sweat off his forehead, his mental shields cracking and emotions pouring out.

For the first time, he felt ripples of uncertainty about the path which he had chosen for himself. His days were numbered if he didn't manage to crack the riddle of the damn arch. He had tried and tried, having scrounged the Ministry's library from floor to ceiling, having found no book that would help him understand the language matching the one of the Runes. All he ever got was a terrible headache at the end of each day as he tried to resist the pull of the Veil, and to not mind the whispering from beyond it, sometimes calling his name in a familiar voice...

So this was how it was going to be. He wouldn't have the time to reap the fruits of his labour after all, not unless by some miracle he managed to crack the runes on that arch. For the first time Severus found himself wishing he hadn't accepted the job as an Unspeakable – it had never even crossed his mind he wouldn't be able to succeed at whatever job was bestowed upon him. But now that he thought of it, he realised it wasn't entirely impossible that he had been given the task exactly because he was disposable; a new recruit who could easily be replaced. Rookwood's smiles and the Dark Lord's gleaming gazes suddenly took on an entirely new meaning. Severus clenched his hand into a fist and hit the wall next to him. A cloud of plaster fell from the ceiling, covering him in white dust. He wiped it off his face and hair angrily and slumped to sit on the floor, in the same spot where Lily had sat last night after coming back from Diagon Alley. Had he been mistaken? Did the Dark Lord not favour him after all, had he just been a pawn like any other to him? Or was he testing him?

Severus didn't know how long he sat there, inhaling the dust which had fallen off the roof and staring at the legs of an umbrella stand near the door. Despite the lack of sleep, his mind was clear and calm, as he finally saw the situation for what it was. He inspected his situation almost emotionlessly. Unless he cracked the mystery of the arch, he would die an utter failure. He would die without having succeeded in anything. He would die, a prisoner of this house, a failure at his job, alone, never having made it anywhere. _Halfblood Severus Snape from Cokeworth, barely an adult._ They might as well make it the inscription on his tomb stone, he realised. In a little over three months, he would leave behind a world where he had not managed to do anything at all, leaving the life as just as much of a failure as he had ever been, leaving behind a world where the Ministry would fall but he would not be there to benefit from it, leaving behind a world where nothing would keep Potter from keeping Lily forever to himself, from making her his wife, from stealing the life which Severus had always wanted for himself, while he rotted away in the ground... unless...

The solution dawned to him and he felt like all puzzle pieces finally clicked together, banishing all remains of doubt and hesitation from his mind.

Unless he killed Potter first.


	20. Lost causes

Sorry for the long pause in updating. I'll update really soon again though, as I have two more chapters almost ready. Thanks for the reviews!

""

 _If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?_

-Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

""

After Saturday night's horrors, it felt almost unreal to be at the tiny flat which oozed Muggleness, and where her parents fussed and everyone in the Muggle neighbourhood lived on their lives as though nobody had a care in the world. Lily felt disconnected from everything, like a broken piece in a machinery that otherwise worked seamlessly. Sunday seemed to pass by slower than usual, and Lily tried very hard to concentrate on getting through the day without dwelling on the horrors and drama of the night before. James's wet hazel eyes and Severus's cold sneers tried to push through her haze, but she banished them out of her mind with determination.

The attack on the alley had shaken Lily very deeply, and in daylight it seemed incomprehensible that she had ever had the courage to willingly go back to the dark shadowy alleys to dispose of corpses. She shuddered at the mere thought, deciding to never go back to the alley in her life. As her parents talked about perfectly ordinary things such as insurance bills and washing the windows, Lily sat on the sofa and wondered how very unsafe their non-magical existence actually was. It was like she only now realised it for the first time. The door of the flat would be so easy to break out of the way, she realised. And if somebody had a broomstick, nothing would be easier than to fly in from the window – it would smash to pieces with a simple spell. How could her parents stand living without wands and magic, when at any moment somebody could attack them and they would be defenceless? How could they sleep their nights knowing that only a feeble door and a lock stood in the way of potential destruction?

To ease her nerves, Lily started casting some basic protective enchantments around the flat, starting with making it unplottable (it was done by taking out a map, and crossing over the house from it, then casting a certain spell over the cross). Luckily there was no fireplace and so she didn't have to worry about anyone using Floo powder to get in to the flat (although she wasn't certain if Muggle fireplaces even could be added to the Floo network). In the summer, Dumbledore had showed the Order a very handy little enchantment which made any person who hadn't been invited in by the inhabitants confused and disoriented trying to find their way to the residence, and Lily cast that too, feeling a little more secure after having some amount of magical control over the dwelling - although she had to admit that it was very unlikely any Death Eaters even knew of the existence of Little Whinging, let alone ever happened to stumble upon her parents's doorstep. Her parents watched in confusion and amusement as Lily walked along the flat's walls and muttered to herself, tapping at the corners and stroking the door's sides, but neither of them asked what she was doing.

Lily's parents kept on reassuring her that she was welcome to stay with them for as long as she wanted, but the flat was simply too small for three people to live comfortably in. A big change to the enormity of James's manor, the flat offered no privacy to her at all, since the sitting room where she slept was the heart of the home and a constant centre of action. However, Lily found herself glad for the constant distractions and company, reluctant to think about everything that had happened on Saturday night and the news she had heard after, and she didn't even have work until Friday to take her mind off things. So she settled on helping her father glue his miniature airplanes, cooked lunch with her mother, and helped them with a few chores best taken care of by magical means, such as removing mould off the bathroom tiles and fixing the cracks in the sitting room ceiling. She also offered to fix the mudroom's broken light fixture, but her father seemed to get a sudden bout of male pride and insisted upon fixing it with his own hands instead, spending an entire hour scratching his head and staring at the yellow, green and red chords before managing to finally connect them in a manner that made the light come back on.

That very same Sunday evening, when Lily had lulled herself into peaceful dullness of mind by watching TV with her parents, an owl unexpectedly appeared behind the window, knocking its beak against the glass. Lily's parents immediately turned towards her (who else would get owl post?) and she got up, half-expecting a note from Dumbledore or some other member of the Order, inquiring about her present location. But to her surprise, she recognised her name in Severus's handwriting, and her heart skipped a beat. Clutching the letter against her chest, she let the owl fly to the kitchen sink for a drink, and then shut herself into the bathroom, where she rolled open the parchment with trembling fingers, equally afraid and eager to read whatever the note contained. The note was short and terse.

" _Don't tell anyone about anything. -S"_

Lily stared at the sentence. In all its meagreness it was more than she had expected to hear from him again. Was the note a peace offering, or just a precaution he had deemed necessary – or perhaps some sort of a threat? Did he expect her to send a reply? Still unsure, Lily finally Accio'd her quill and parchment through the ajar bathroom door and scribbled a hasty _"I haven't, and I won't. -L",_ then went to the kitchen and tied the note to the owl's leg, sending it on its way.

As she watched it disappear to the darkening sky, she felt like she had sealed some sort of an unspoken pact with him, a secret which still bound them together by some amount of lingering mutual trust, reaching even over the explosive and hurtful row, reaching even over the disturbing fact that he was a Death Eater and she belonged in the Order of the Phoenix; two completely opposing sides. The thought of him in their robes and with a mask on his face still filled Lily with sadness and disgust. But deciding that the least she could do to pay him back for saving her life was to keep his secret, Lily swore to herself she would never tell anyone he was a Death Eater, although she was very aware that it was exactly the sort of thing that the Order expected to hear about, especially since she also knew where he lived and had survived to tell the tale. She wondered if keeping his secret was bad or not, but couldn't quite make up her mind. But still – she couldn't tell them. She couldn't bear her guilt if he was captured because of her.

She put Severus's note into her pocket, and went back to sit with her parents, but found herself utterly unable to concentrate upon the TV show, the note seeming to burn through the fabric of her skirt. Before bed that evening, she took the note back out and inspected the familiar, angular 'S', feeling a funny little nudge in her stomach as she laid in the darkness, listened to the sounds of the trains passing by, and thought of its writer.

Last night Lily had all but told Severus she had wanted to shag him at Slughorn's party, and he had acted like he hadn't even heard her, having become fixated upon James instead. Had he just wanted to know why she had betrayed him by becoming involved with his old school bully? Was that all he had cared about? Had the kiss itself meant as little to him as his fling with Generia Fern had apparently meant? Stupid girl, he had called her... Lily felt tears threatening to rise to her eyes as she thought of his indifference, and cursed all men to hell. For once, she had put herself out there and bared her thoughts to him, and it hadn't been any good at all. In fact, things has just gone from bad to worse after her confession. Now that she thought of it, it really had been her who had tried to fix things all along, not him. She had gone to the Slytherin common room, not once but twice, to see him. She had sent him a letter after his duel with James, offering him her friendship. And he had rejected her, over and over again.

And still, that night at Slughorn's party... Lily was certain that he had wanted her then, she had felt it as strongly and clearly as she had felt her own desire for him, she had seen it in his heated gaze... and the things he had said to her then... Lily blushed as she thought of it. And _he_ hadn't been under the influence of any aphrodisiac, though he had perhaps been a little drunk. Was it possible for him to be so good at acting? Or had his feelings changed after she had become involved with James? Was that what he had tried to tell her last night? That she was ruined goods now as far as he was concerned – no longer worthy of even his friendship? And what did it matter now anyway, when it had never been more clear that he had chosen his way and she had chosen hers? Lily stayed awake for a long time, staring at the moving lights across the ceiling and listening to the sounds of the trains, feeling like a fist was clutching her heart.

On Monday morning, right after the morning post, the howler arrived. Even before Lily had snatched the bright scarlet envelope off the barn owl's claws she knew who had sent it, had almost known to expect it. Luckily, her mother was at the University and her father had gone to take out the rubbish; she opened the envelope with trembling fingers and quickly trapped it under a sofa pillow and her duvet, but Sirius's voice bellowed through the plush-covered lump of foam rubber and blankets, so loud that her ears rang and the neighbour banged the wall.

" _James has just told me what you've done, and you should be sodding ashamed of yourself! He was too good for you anyway, I never understood why he fancied a ginger bint like you to begin with, but don't you dare step your foot into this house ever again, you hear me! Just stay away from him!"_

The howler left burn marks on the duvet which Lily quickly fixed with her wand, but her father still sniffed the air and went to check the stove when he returned. Lily sat down on the sofa, her cheeks burning, until her father asked her if she was coming down with something. After reassuring him that everything was fine, Lily started making the bed she had messed up when the howler had arrived. Of course Sirius would be fuming over her treatment of his precious best pal... Lily felt a rush of irritation as she thought of him and his bad temper. It seemed like all he cared about was James. Though Lily grudgingly had to admit that she was a little envious of James for having such loyal friends. Deciding not to mind him and his howler, Lily threw the ashy remains of the red paper into the bin and shook Sirius out of her mind, deciding she had bigger things than Sirius Black's indignation to worry about.

Within the few following days, Lily settled into some sort of a daily routine at the flat, and the routine helped her relax a little, providing her with some measure of security she desperately yearned after her life had turned upside down so quickly. She enjoyed waking up at the same time every morning to the sounds of her parents moving around the flat, having breakfast with her father (and her mother if she was not at work), reading the paper and then making the bed... it was the little, homey things that Lily had truly missed while she had lived with James, because his life style had all but been characterised by the lack of any sort of a routine.

Lily was relieved every time she remembered something about James that she hadn't liked, or which had bothered her about him, because it made it easier to convince herself that despite her current situation, she had done right by leaving him. And there were plenty of things that suddenly came to mind now that she was away from him; for instance, the unfair way that James had first promised to give her time, but then had nevertheless used every opportunity to corner her, from getting a shared room and bed at the Leaky Cauldron to throwing his sudden confession of love to her face. Lily felt a sudden anger towards him as she mulled over his behaviour, feeling for the first time that he had taken advantage of her and the fact that she could have hardly left him while his parents were lying on their death beds. And yet, when she remembered his teary eyes and slumped shoulders the night when she had left him, she found herself utterly unable to hate him. In her heart she just wished him well. And then she just became mad at herself instead.

Lily was disturbed to remember that she also hadn't as much as thought of him having used an Unforgivable curse ever since those early days of her disappointment - she had almost forgotten about the whole thing! She wondered if it was simply because she hadn't been present at the scene, hadn't actually seen it happening, and it had simply been so hard to imagine James with his smiles and jokes and broomsticks doing something so awful and evil. Much harder than imagining Severus in all his occasional gloominess and with his extensive collections of books about the Dark Arts attempting something like that, anyway. Somehow James's boyish sweetness made it very hard to hold him accountable for much anything. _Hypocrite_ , Severus's words reminded her, and she had to scrub the entire kitchen from floor to ceiling in an effort to shake the thought off her mind once it had entered it. _You're the worst hypocrite I've ever laid eyes on._

Had he been right? Lily had always assumed that the line between being good or being bad was a line which could be crossed in an instant by using Dark Magic. But Severus had used Dark Magic – to save her. James had used Dark Magic – to pay back for Mulciber's sick actions. Lily herself had used Dark Magic – on a dead person, but still – out of the desire to protect Severus.

Did that mean all three of them were evil? Or was neither of them? Was Dark Magic something that could be used for good, not only for bad? Lily realised that despite Severus having gone as far as having killed, she still couldn't lump him into the same category as she lumped You-Know-Who and Mulciber and Avery, no matter how she tried. And yet, certainly even You-Know-Who and Mulciber and Avery had once upon a time been children and somebody had cared about them, like Lily cared for Severus. Was she just letting her own feelings and memories blind her? Or was it possible that Severus was still good despite his actions and awful interests? A Death Eater who was still good? Was that even possible? The whole idea seemed so laughable! If only he weren't a Death Eater! If only she could somehow convince him to get out now, before it was too late and he got himself killed or something else awful happened to him. Lily's head was spinning from all the thoughts and emotions crammed inside it.

One Wednesday afternoon Lily was helping her mother change the bed sheets in the bedroom, when Mrs. Evans asked her a question which Lily had tried to avoid ever since her arrival.

"Are you all right, darling?"

Lily crouched to pull out a pile of pillowcases from the drawer next to the bed. She could feel her mother's eyes at the back of her neck.

"I'm fine now that I'm here," she said evasively, getting up and grabbing a pillow off the bed. "Thanks again for letting me stay, mum."

"Of course you can stay, don't be silly," her mum said. "Mark told me that he told you about us thinking of selling the house. How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know," Lily cringed her nose. "It will be weird, won't it? Do you really think you'll like living in a flat after having an entire house?"

"It's an old house. Too old. It was built in 1916, right after the factory was first opened," her mum said. "Now it's nothing but crooked walls and creaky floorboards, and the ivy peeling paint off the facade. We meant to start renovations years ago, but you know how it is. We just never got around to actually do it. Maintaining a flat is so much easier."

"But it's perfect the way it is," Lily said nostalgically. "I love the crooked walls and creaky floorboards. And the ivy. And I think the ivy loved me too, because it kept on pushing itself through the window into my bedroom... oh mum, why would you even want to change any of it?"

"But Lily, it just wasn't all that... presentable," her mum said reproachingly, and Lily thought she sounded rather like Petunia as she said it. "All the neighbours had renovated theirs."

"I don't care about the neighbours," Lily said petulantly. "Our house was the best."

Her mum was quiet for a while, and started pulling sheets off the comforters.

"Have you found a flat yet?" she then asked. Then she hurried to add: "Not that we're pressuring you to move out! Stay as long as you like."

"No," Lily sighed. "I've checked the Daily Prophet every day, but there's these, um, restrictions that make it hard for me to rent."

"What sort of restrictions?"

"Um..." Lily said. She didn't really want to explain to her mother about the wizarding world's prejudice against Muggleborns, or how lately it had seemed to extend from job announcements to house markets, and how these days every single announcement in the Daily Prophet included that ominous little sentence, 'background will be checked'.

"It's hard for recent graduates to find housing, you need references from your employers," Lily made up quickly. "So I think I'll have to start looking for Muggle housing options instead."

"Well, it's not that different anywhere, is it?" her mum said and shook her head. "You'll need to present some sort of proof of employment, along with references, to the landlord anyway. Even if you're looking for, uh, normal housing."

"Oh, yeah..." Lily said and her mood sunk. She hadn't even thought of that, having no prior experience of renting. She wondered how difficult it would be to fake some sort of references. Perhaps she could pretend she was working as a nurse in some hospital in London. She yanked a sheet off a comforter quite forcibly, hating You-Know-Who and the whole blood issue.

"And are you feeling any better about your break-up with James?" her mum asked tentatively, picking fluff off the sheets.

"Yeah, I made the right choice," Lily said truthfully, deciding it best to keep it to herself that in her weakest moments she had sometimes thought of going back to him, just so she could sink back into his life and not have to worry about building a life of her own. "I never should've even started dating him."

"Was he really that bad?" her mother asked empathetically.

"No, it's not that... James was, uh, perhaps not the best boyfriend, but he was always very nice to me," Lily said. Then she hesitated for a moment. "But he wasn't always very nice to other people. But still. When I left him I think I gave him the impression that he was to blame for everything, and it wasn't really true. I was the biggest problem. I tend to make a mess of all of my relationships, it seems."

"But you have a lot of friends, don't you?" her mum asked, seemingly determined to cheer Lily up. Neither one of them was actually changing any sheets now. "You've always been so popular."

Lily shooed her words away like a distracting fly.

"Yeah, but every time I actually really like someone, it goes to hell," she said and sighed. "Just look at Petunia and I, for instance. You can't exactly call our relationship the pinnacle of exemplary sisterhood, can you? We've practically turned into strangers who just happen to be related to one another."

Her mother sighed again.

"I wish you two would just grow up enough to put your disagreements behind yourselves," she said, suddenly sounding very mother-like. "You can always make more friends and find new boyfriends, but she's the only sister you have, you know."

"It's not my fault Petunia is intent on treating me like I've killed her pet cat or something," Lily objected. "She just hates me! What am I supposed to do when she's the one with the problem?"

"Darling, Petunia doesn't hate you," her mother said gently. "She's just trying to protect herself from feeling inadequate by distancing herself from you."

"Inadequate?" Lily asked, aghast. "Since when does Petunia think she's inadequate? If anything, she thinks people like me are freaks of nature and she represents the natural order of things!"

"Your skills were a big shock to Petunia," her mum said and frowned. "You must understand how it was for her. You two used to be so close, and then all of a sudden there's this huge, strange thing that she can never share with you - that she doesn't even understand."

"I can't help it that I'm a witch," Lily said tiredly. "Or that she isn't. I wish she was, I really do, then maybe she wouldn't have to be so jealous all the time."

"Of course you do. But your wishes don't make it any easier for her to accept," her mother said. "And we always gave you more attention because we worried about you, because we knew you were different... I knew even before you were born. I had these strange dreams... but anyway, it's been hard for Petunia, missing a skill like yours. It's like you have received some amazing, big birthday gift she never did, and you're flaunting it in front of -"

"I'm not _flaunting_ anything," Lily said in indignation and grabbed a comforter, trying to angrily ram it inside a duvet cover. "She's the one who always followed me around, who spied on me! It's not like I did magic at home, I wasn't allowed to, not inside the house anyway."

Her mother looked thoughtful.

"But it wasn't just the magic, surely you understand it, darling. You always had it, and she knew what you could do, and that didn't stop you from being the best of friends. It's everything else that came with the magic," she finally said. "You going to Hogwarts and leaving her on her own for much of the year... and then there was the issue of the boy you met, when all of a sudden you spent all your time with him, and Petunia wasn't welcome to play with you two. It's almost like she lost a sister the moment you discovered what you are."

Lily stopped trying to push the comforter inside the bedsheet and stared at her mother. "You don't actually think Petunia wanted to play with Sev and I?" She asked incredulously. "She absolutely loathed him!"

"I think it was a mutual dislike," her mum said and sounded tired again. "Petunia understandably felt left out - but I don't know why that boy disliked _her_ so much. And I won't pretend that Mark and I sometimes didn't wonder whether he was good company for you or not."

"Don't you start, too," Lily said and plopped down on the bed, crossing her arms. "I've already heard it all from Petunia, mum. But Severus was the best friend I ever had. There was _nothing_ wrong with him, not back then anyway. Just because he was from Spinner's End -"

"It's nothing to do with that," her mother said, looking a little uneasy and sitting next to her. "But his parents had a very questionable reputation around town. We never spoke to you about it, because we didn't like to participate in the gossip and because we didn't want you judging him because of his background, but I was very uncomfortable with the idea that you went over to his house -"

"You and him both," Lily said bitterly. "I used to beg and beg and he only let me in once or twice when his parents were out. And he hated it when I was there, every minute of it, I could tell."

Her mother smiled softly. "Well, I'm glad to hear that. Don't misunderstand me, we didn't dislike him, not at all. I felt bad for him, actually. But we were a little concerned about the sort of influence he had over you. We sometimes wondered if his attachment to you was normal. It was very odd, in any case. He was an odd boy... we thought..." she looked even more uneasy. "We thought that perhaps he didn't really have anyone else and that's why he was so deeply attached to you, and so jealous of Petunia. And we thought that when you grew up... well, we worried that he wouldn't take it too well if eventually you got other, uh, boys in your life. I mean, his father..." her voice trailed.

"What are you trying to say?" Lily asked her mother, a little more forcibly than she had meant to. She felt uncomfortable discussing Severus with her mum. Her mum suddenly became interested in some fluff on the bedspread again.

"I'm simply saying that he didn't have the best role models in his life," her mother said diplomatically, avoiding her eyes. "And that's why we were relieved to hear he found new friends at that school of yours, that he had somebody else in his life besides just you."

"But I lied about it, mum," Lily confessed. "You got it all wrong. He did get these new friends but we didn't just grow apart. They were awful people, mum, if only you knew! I hated all of them. I wanted him to stop hanging out with them... _I_ wanted to keep _him_ to myself, not the other way around. And then we had this horrible row over... some stuff... and I told him that I no longer wanted anything to do with him! But I just wanted him to choose me over those awful boys! I didn't mean for us to become estranged forever!"

Her mother looked confused. "Then why didn't you just patch things up with him?"

"Because I couldn't just... just _swallow my pride_ ," Lily said, aghast. "He didn't want me, so why should I want him, then! He never even tried to talk to me after that row... he called me a really bad name, mum. Something that his new friends called me. He later apologised, but I was just so fed up with it all..."

Lily's mother was quiet for a moment, and pushed a lock of hair behind Lily's ear.

"I once saw his father in a shop with his mother," she said finally. "He called her a... well, the exact wording doesn't matter -" she hurried to say "- but that's what I meant about Severus lacking good role models. He was probably so used to hearing all sorts of insults at home that he was half-expecting you to forgive him just like that. It was good that you didn't let it slide, darling. It shows you have self-respect. It's a terrible thing, to respect yourself so little to accept it when others treat you poorly. Nothing good comes out of it. I mean, his mother is a tragic example -"

"But he didn't expect me to just let it slide, mum," Lily said miserably, feeling like her mother was missing the point. "He regretted it so much. I wasn't even as much upset over what he said, but afraid that I was losing him, or - you know, that he really thought of me the way his friends did. He had never called me something like that before, never. Before he always just made me feel like... like I was important and special and... he just made me feel good, mum."

"You seem very insisted upon defending him," her mum said, raising her eyebrows. "If you've forgiven him, then why don't you try and reach out to him? Certainly he's changed and grown up by now?"

"Well... he certainly has..." Lily muttered. "I don't know, mum. It's just complicated." She sighed again.

"Well, then why won't you start with trying to reach out to Petunia, then," her mother suggested and patted her hand. "You don't have much to lose there, I think."

"So you think that Petunia's not a lost cause, then?" Lily asked, glad for the change of subject.

"Nobody's ever a lost cause, darling," her mother said and smiled.

Lily didn't say anything. She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out her wand, and the comforters slipped neatly inside the duvet covers like fluffy caterpillars into their cocoons.

That evening in bed Lily again pulled out that terse little note Severus had sent her, and traced the sharp, tight handwriting with her finger, thinking of him the way he had been as a child. It was true he had always been very possessive of her company, but Lily had always liked the exclusiveness of their friendship; his intensity and his absolute focus on her. It had never crossed her mind that her parents or anybody else might have found it odd (although Petunia had teased her about him lots of times, but as usual, Lily had just let her words go in from one ear and out of the other), because to her it had always seemed like the most natural thing in the world, and she wouldn't have preferred it any other way. Lily had thought he would never leave her, not the way that Petunia had; she had blindly trusted that he would always be there for her.

But he hadn't, had he? Gradually he had started slipping away from her, had started spending more and more time with other Slytherins and the Dark Arts books which he had tried to hide from her. In her panic Lilly had reacted the only way she had known how, by starting to ignore him right back. She had barely spoken to him during their OWL examination week. She had wanted him to become distressed and fearful of losing her, the way Lily herself had felt when Petunia had started shunning her years ago. It had hurt so much, the fear of losing the person you cared about, she remembered. And shunning him had made her feel in control, like he wasn't just slipping out of her life as much as being willingly pushed away by her. Had that been what Petunia had felt, too? Had she started shunning Lily in order to coerce Lily to abandon Severus - the way Lily had started shunning Severus to coerce him to abandon his Slytherin friends? It felt like something clicked into place in Lily's brain the more she thought of it. She had always had a strange feeling like her failed relationship with Petunia and her failed relationship with Severus had been interlinked in some way, but she had never before been able to make sense of it.

But hadn't her mother been right when she had said that the peculiar, possessive friendship between her and Severus would have meant that Severus would eventually have grown jealous of other people in her life anyway, having wanted to keep her all to himself? And Lily knew she definitely would have felt threatened if, say, Generia Fern had entered the picture when they were fifteen or sixteen. Perhaps that would have ruined their relationship anyway, Lily thought, trying to console herself. Perhaps their friendship would have become ruined not because of that day on the lake, but because neither one of them had been emotionally equipped to deal with other people invading the space which before had been reserved for the other. Well, unless... unless _they_ had started to... unless their exclusiveness had at some point turned into a whole other kind of exclusiveness, before any other boys or girls had ever entered the picture. Lily felt hot and restless as she contemplated upon this long-lost possibility.

But she had fancied him back then, hadn't she? And not just in the hormonal, teenage-y way like she had fancied some other boys, but in a way where she had sometimes wanted just to be held by him, to be close to him. Lily remembered times when they had been doing their summer assignments on her bed and she had absent-mindedly wondered how he would have reacted if she had curled to his side and buried her face against the crook of his neck. Or what she would have seen in his eyes if she had dared to push a lock of hair out of his eyes and leaned to press her lips on his cheek. But back then she hadn't really thought much of these random notions, having simply accepted them as part of their unusually close relationship, and perhaps as some sort of a reaction to the new self-consciousness caused by their changing bodies which made them a little awkward around each other, the fact that they were of different sexes having slowly become more meaningful somehow. It was strange to think that that young, skinny Sev who had laid on her patchwork quilt writing his Herbology essay with a concentrated look on his face had grown up to become that tall, adult man who had proved himself capable of killing two people in cold blood.

Lily fell into restless sleep very late, and the following morning, which was Thursday, she heard from her mother that she had had night terrors again, and added her shameful nightmares and (as she heard from her parents) crying in her sleep to the list of reasons why she should move out as soon as possible.

That morning as she sat and nursed her cup of coffee and rubbed sleep off her eyes, Lily realised she had to shake herself out of the state of passivity where she had fallen after spending so much time indoors. It couldn't be helped – things just didn't become resolved on their own. After breakfast she dug out a quill and parchment from her trunk, and with a sigh, started writing James a letter, determined to get some closure. She wrote several attempts, berating him in some of them, but finally decided to concentrate on the things she regretted from her side; after all, no matter how she felt about him having used Dark Magic and having manipulated her, she could hardly regret them on his behalf. The letter turned out quite vague about the circumstances surrounding the night they broke up, but as she re-read her creation, she figured that it was the best she could do.

 _Dear James,_

 _I hope you are well. I am writing to you because I feel like I should apologise to you. Not for the thing you accused me of, but for letting things get so far before putting my foot down._

 _At the time when we got together, I thought I was pleasing both myself and you, but I have since come to realise that by avoiding taking responsibility then, I was only leading the both of us toward eventual even worse heartache and disappointment. We both definitely made a lot of mistakes, but I can only apologise for my own actions, so here goes: I behaved very childishly and hurtfully, and I'm sorry you had to suffer as a consequence, especially since this year has been so rough for you._

 _I also wanted to say that I told you the truth about not having been with anyone else while we were together. I had changed my clothes and returned late that night because of an accident I had been in, and someone who helped me gave me the dress and the cloak. I wanted to tell this because there are enough hurt feelings about the end of our relationship without that weighing in on it, too._

 _I wish you all the best._

 _Love,  
Lily_

She hesitated a little with the ending of her letter, but finally left the 'love' there, because she did love James. Perhaps not quite unlike a cousin or a brother, though Lily had never had neither so she couldn't really compare her feelings to anything tangible (somehow comparing her feelings for James to her feelings for Petunia seemed to make things just even more confusing). In the aftermath of last weekend she had sometimes missed James and his calming effect; it would have been nice to just kick back and forget. However, Lily knew she could never get quite the same calming effect from him ever again; that carefree James and that foolish Lily now belonged in the past. And she never wanted to let herself become so disillusioned again.

Settling on this humble apology, Lily bribed the owl bringing in the morning post with a piece of dried ham to take the letter to James. As she watched it disappear to the cloudy skies behind the train station, she felt her heart lighten just a little bit. She knew she wouldn't receive a reply.

Feeling encouraged by her lightened heart, Lily braved herself and grabbed the telephone the very same evening, choosing the new telephone number of Petunia's which her parents had scribbled to their phone book. At first, the phone call wasn't quite as much of a success as Lily had hoped.

"I heard you went and did it now", Petunia gloated, and Lily could practically hear the boney smirk on her face. "You were living in a mansion and now you're staying on our parents's sofa! Riches to rags!"

However, after indulging herself to her heart's content with Lily's failures in life, followed by a detailed description of the layout of her own brand new home and the cost of Vernon's new Volvo, Petunia turned almost nice.

"The colour of the sitting room walls is so difficult to describe. It's almost eggshell, but in morning light it has a faint cornflower hue to it. I'll tell you what – come by for tea when you have a day off and you'll see what I mean. Vernon's at work, of course, so you won't be bothering him either. Just ring me a day in advance, all right?"

Lily agreed to go, feeling hopeful. It had been over a year since she had even seen her sister, and Lily swore to herself to be on her best behaviour when they met, just in case her mother had been right and there was even a little hope about them still mending their relationship.

For a moment she toyed with the idea of contacting Severus, but in the end decided she wasn't ready to face him, not when there were no guarantees of a welcoming reception. But he had to leave the Death Eaters, Lily thought. He just had to. She had to be able to somehow convince him. She had half-heartedly waited and hoped for another letter from him, but as the days had passed and none had arrived, Lily had taken his silence to mean that he didn't want to hear from her again. Perhaps his note had been just a precaution after all, not the indirect peace offering she had made it out to be. She tried to imagine the closed-off, haughty look on his face if she showed up behind his door and tried to talk to him, and realised he would probably make her crawl even if he didn't have the intention of accepting her apology for her part in the row... so she chickened out and decided to let things cool down, buying her more time to come to grips with her confused feelings about him before testing whether or not the feeble gates of communication were still open.

On Friday, five days after Lily's arrival to Little Whinging, Lily was lurking behind the sitting room window and waiting for the owl to bring her the morning's Daily Prophet. She hadn't bothered to quit her subscription even though the paper no longer published anything worth reading, just an eternal string of coverage about the weakened quality of dragon hide imported from abroad and tips on banishing tics from cat fur. She had given up on hope of finding a flat, but still dutifully scanned the Prophet's For rent- section every morning. Back at James's manor she had hardly even noticed the arrival of the morning post, but at her parents's flat, the arrival of the newspaper was turning into quite an athletic morning ritual. Since it was a Muggle neighbourhood and the sitting room window was only one floor above the train station, she had to wait for the owl to show up, turn the bird invisible, then wait for it to fly closer to the window before letting it in. She thought it looked less suspicious than having an owl knock at the window morning after morning, and yanking it inside right by the noses of the commuters below.

When Lily finally saw the barn owl approaching over the roof of the station, she pointed her wand at it and shot an Disillusionment charm at the bird, missing it barely. It took her a few tries until the bird was finally close enough for her aim, and then it disappeared from view. She opened the window and waited to feel the gush of wind on her face as the bird flew in. There was a thumping sound somewhere in the room, the sensation of an invisible beak grabbing the knut on her open palm, and then the owl was off again.

Lily quickly rushed back to the window, almost tripping over the long dressing gown belonging to her mother, and aimed blindly somewhere in the general vicinity of where she assumed the bird was to remove the spell. Again, it took her a few tries before it turned visible just above the electricity lines, and she triumphantly lowered her wand. Glancing to her left, she saw the cocker spaniel owner she had seen before, standing at her window a few floors up, having a cigarette and staring at her. Lily gave her a sheepish smile and quickly pulled her wand back in, wrapping the dressing gown tighter around herself. She must have looked quite stupid waving a twig out of the window, with her morning hair and all. The woman probably thought she was some local looney.

Finding the newspaper was the hardest part. The bloody owl kept dropping it all over the room, and as Lily crawled on all fours and tried to feel the carpet around the area where the owl had dropped it the morning before, she thought there had to be a better way to deal with this - though she did have to admit this woke her up better than coffee ever did. Unable to find it, she finally Accio'd it, and an invisible flap of paper hit her in the eye. Still rubbing her eye, she turned the paper back into visibility and sat at the table and poured herself a tall glass of orange juice, ceremoniously rolling open the parchment. Expecting another boring front page full of knitting patterns or apple crumble recipes, Lily spat out the huge gulp of juice she had just drank when her eyes landed on the headline on the front page.

" **From Ministry cover-up to country-wide man-hunt: record bounty for bringing person responsible for gruesome double homicide on Diagon Alley to justice** ", the now juice-covered newspaper screamed, and under it was a huge photo of the horrible side alley which Lily had never wanted to lay her eyes on again. The photo features a couple of men covering up the two bodies in white sheets, giant orbs of light lighting up the scene. Her eyes skimmed over the photo and jumped to the text below, her heart thumping violently in her chest.

 _On Sunday morning, the bodies of the offspring of two well-known pureblood wizarding families were discovered upon Infern Alley, a side street of Diagon Alley, the popular shopping destination for families and many London visitors. The officials present at the scene confirm that the causes of death have not been natural. Sources have finally confirmed this discovery despite the Ministry's efforts to conceal the crime from the public in a desperate bid to stop the public from panicking. The Aurors present at the scene of the crime confirm that Dark Magic has been used in the killings, and suspect a 'dangerous and twisted' Dark Wizard or Witch to be responsible for the gruesome discovery, best described by terrified eyewitnesses at the scene as 'meat explosion'._ **Continues on page 3...**

With shaking fingers, Lily turned to page 3.

 _The exact causes of death are not disclosed to the public, but the time of death is estimated to be between 10 pm. on Saturday and 2 am. on Sunday. Mr. Rootnip, the first Auror at the scene of the crime, describes the discovery as "utter carnage unlike ever seen before" and blames the Ministry's ineffective control of street crime._

" _It is clear that such a thing could never have happened had the decisions been in better hands", says Mr. Rootnip, an Auror of the Ministry for 20 years. "Should the Minister of Magic reconsider the official policies of controlling and preventing street crime? Absolutely. Personally, I feel that the Minister of Magic should resign because of her utter inability to control the rampant crime wave gripping the country, of which this crime is just the latest example. It is time for a drastic change."_

 _Another Auror at the scene of the crime, Mr. Pulpwick, says the murders are clearly linked to the multiple killings, disappearances and nasty cases of torture which gripped the nation in the winter and spring, and is convinced that the killer is the same one. "His methods are evolving", says Mr. Pulpwick, Ministry Auror for 12 years. "The Ministry is hushing everything up, but some undisclosed details of the earlier crimes are very similar. It is clear that this cannot continue, and that drastic changes in Ministry staff are needed in order to prevent this from happening again. The higher up, the better. It is very telling that the Ministry's first order was to keep quiet about the murders, but now they have suddenly gone public with it and are even offering a reward for the lead leading to the capture of the murderer. That's exactly the sort of poor and inconsistent decision-making which to me is indicative of the Ministry's inability to handle a crisis."_

 _The official spokesperson for Minister of Magic Millicent Bagnold has declined to comment upon the case, but rumour has it that a new Minister of Magic is already in the polls in case of the Minister's resignation over the fiasco._

 _Meanwhile, a bounty of 10 000 Galleons has been offered for any lead leading to the capture of the Dark Wizard or Witch responsible for the killings on Infern Alley. This astonishing sum is rumoured to be just another desperate means of the Ministry to control street crime, pushing the responsibility of the capture on the shoulders of the common folk after the Ministry's inability to capture the killer in silence. Nevertheless, this considerable sum can be expected to help the department in gathering eye witness statements. If you have any information about the crimes, please contact the new hotline..._

Lily stopped reading and covered her mouth with her hand, fighting over her rising panic. Whatever aftermath she had expected to the night, this wasn't it. _Everyone_ was looking for Severus. This biased and twisted article would guarantee that the entire country would be after the killer, either to get the murderer sowing fear onto the streets behind bars, or for the less noble motivation of getting the hefty reward.

Was Severus safe? Had somebody seen him that night? Lily realised she honestly didn't know. Somebody easily could have seen him when he was on his way to the alley – she didn't even know where he had been coming from. She tried to calm herself with the fact that he had been wearing Death Eater robes and a mask – surely at most they could link some random Death Eater to the killings? Thanking the stars that she had gone back to the scene of the crime and gotten rid of the marks of his Sectumsempra, Lily calmed down a little, trying to remain logical. It was certainly strange that this case was trumpeted in the news when for months the most exciting headline had been a new breed of gnomes appearing to the gardens of unsuspecting wizarding folk, but they had nothing to worry about. Severus should be safe. Right?

Lily drummed her fingers against the table, and thought. She was tempted to think that Severus must know what he was doing – probably better than she did – and just leave it at that, reluctant to go to him and face him so soon after their row. But then she hated herself a little bit for her cowardice. What if he would be captured? Would she really leave his fate to chance simply because she didn't want to go and apologise? Not a very Gryffindor thing to do, she decided. No, she had to know, had to help him if she could. It was the last she could do, considering that she was only alive because of him.

Checking the clock next to the TV, Lily realised she had to be at work in an hour. She wouldn't have the time to go to Severus's now. But she would have plenty of time to go see him after her work shift – her parents would probably just be relieved to have an entire evening to themselves for a change. After finishing her coffee and sandwich, Lily jumped into the shower, her insides squirming when she thought of seeing him. She was half nervous, but also secretly a little relieved to have an excuse to go to him without having to swallow her pride. If possible, this time she would try and talk him into leaving the Death Eaters, and not give into any childish arguments. Lily took extra care dressing up, feeling like she was putting up some sort of an armour as she chose one of her favourite robes (deep purple, which accentuated her skin and hair tone) and brushed her hair until it was very shiny. As she admired herself from the mirror in the mudroom, her mood sank a little as she remembered Severus having accused her of vanity. _But this doesn't have anything to do with being vain_ , she thought stubbornly. _I just want to feel confident._

Lily scribbled a hasty note for her parents ( _'I'm off to work, might be back a little later than usual, xxx Lily'_ ), then put on her cloak and, before Disapparating, shrunk Severus's cloak and folded it into her pocket. Then she was gone.

The personnel's entrance of St. Mungo 's was located behind the building, and one had to sneak behind the rows of dustbins in order to reach a hidden cellar door. It was hardly a dignified entrance, but it was more shielded than the front of the building with its mall windows and wandering Muggle eyes. There was ample room for Apparation too, although one had to be careful - Lily had, much to her dismay, once accidentally materialised inside a dustbin and then spent the rest of the morning scraping dried yoghurt and apple sauce off her tights. But this time Lily managed to Apparate directly to her usual spot behind the dustbins. It was the first time she had been outside of the flat since last weekend, and the sudden space around her made her feel exposed; she nervously glanced behind her shoulder as she made it to the door.

Lily walked over to the front desk and signed in by tapping at a giant book perched on the side of the desk with her wand, then walked up to the fourth floor to the Elderly Ward and changed into her green work robes at the changing rooms. She was thankful that this week she was working there instead of the Injuries Ward.

"Lily! Here to help me wash my hair?" One of the elderly patients hopefully greeted her from his floating wheelchair as she entered the ward.

"Sorry, Mr. Appleby," Lily said and gave the old, bald man a smile. "I don't think we'd ever manage to Accio them all here."

"Oh... but I do miss a woman's touch," Mr. Appleby said sadly and rubbed his bald egg-like crown. "It's been so long since I felt the sensual touch of a woman rubbing my temples..."

Lily smiled vaguely and gave him a wide berth as she went to the box labelled with her name by the door (he sometimes had wandering hands), reeled a chart out of it and checked what she had been assigned to do today. Fearing she might have been assigned to give Mr. Appleby a bath, Lily was relieved to learn that she was only supposed to prepare a Sleeping Draught to one of the elderly witches who had taken to sleep walking, check another witch's heart medication, and take a couple of patients outside for a walk. Easy peasy. Lily liked her work at the Elderly Ward because most of the patients lived there and therefore there was a nice routine to her work, rather than the messy, shocking cases at the Injuries Ward which often left her in tears. A lot of elderly witches and wizards, especially those from pureblood families, got into trouble when their memory started failing them; they essentially forgot magic, and when magic was all they had, they couldn't take care of themselves well enough to live alone, at least without a horde of house elves attending to them. Many had never in their lives even as much as lighted a fire in their oven without a wand. And so they came here instead.

"Lily! How come you're here?" A familiar voice called out for her. Lily turned around, chart still in hand, to find Mrs. Cotterill, the Ward's brisk Matron, coming toward her.

"Hello, Mrs. Cotterill," she greeted, then frowned, turning back to the chart in her hand. "But I wasn't supposed to be at the Injuries Ward today, was I?"

"No, you should be at the first floor waiting lounge", Mrs. Cotterill said. "I sent Martha to tell you, you have a visitor, he's been waiting for at least fifteen minutes now, so better hurry."

"Oh!" Lily's eyes widened. "I haven't seen Martha. Thanks - I'll be right there."

The Matron nodded and left, her tight bun jumping atop her head as she went. Lily pushed the chart back to the box labelled with her name, excitement and nervousness flooding her. She couldn't think of anyone else than Severus who would know to come here looking for her.

Hurrying towards the lifts, Lily made her way to the first floor waiting lounge. She met Martha, another healer trainee, on the way and she passed along the same message as the Matron had. As Lily entered the waiting lounge, it occurred to her that also James might know to come and look for her here – her head had again been so full of Severus that that particular option hadn't even crossed her mind before now. The room was large, and quite full of people, and she looked for either sort of black hair from the rows of chairs; straight long hair, or messy short hair. However, she found neither; another familiar tall figure rose from a chair by the door, smiling serenely as he took in her surprised form standing in the doorway.

"Ah! Lily!" Albus Dumbledore said, opening his arms as though intending to embrace her in all his bearded, lilac-clad glory. "How long it's been."

Lily gawked at the man, and it didn't even cross her mind to remind him that they had only just seen each other two weeks ago at the latest Order meeting. Her first thought was that Dumbledore must have somehow found out about Severus if he had bothered to come personally, and her heart leaped like a galloping horse. Then she quickly arranged her features into a smile.

"How nice to see you, Professor – my apologies for keeping you waiting", she said. "Though I'm a little surprised to find you here."

"Ah, whereas I am simply relieved to find you, full stop. Forgive my intrusion – I did not know where else I might reach you. But I think it's best to talk over a cup of tea, don't you think? If I remember correctly, there is a perfect little place here on this very floor," Dumbledore said and glided to her side, offering her his lilac-sleeved arm. His eyes twinkled. Lily hesitated a moment, then took his arm.

She felt rather strange to find herself abruptly escorted through her work place at the arm of Albus Dumbledore himself, who, despite his frequent visits to the Potter manor, had remained rather distant from its individual residents, Lily included. Some of the hospital's visitors whispered and gawked, Dumbledore being well-known to many. As they glided over the spotless floors towards the cafeteria, it occurred to Lily that since she was wearing her work robes, it probably looked as though he was a patient she was escorting to some ward or another, and she found the idea rather amusing. As though hearing her thoughts, Dumbledore suddenly spoke.

"I find myself lucky that the Elderly Ward has not a set of their own distinctive work robes," he said cheerfully. "If that were the case, I'm afraid people would get the impression that I have finally gone bananas."

"Quite right, sir," Lily said and laughed. "I can see why you wanted to wait at the first floor waiting room instead of at the fourth floor."

Dumbledore hummed in agreement. When they reached the rather humdrum cafeteria, where patients limped and wheeled themselves in wheelchairs, and where tired-eyed employees bought their coffees to go before rushing back to work, Dumbledore beamed like they had just entered the fanciest of parlours.

"Ah, and here we are. What can I offer you?" He asked politely, letting go of Lily's arm and pulling out a chair for her at a secluded table far away from the bustling counter.

"Um, just tea, thank you," she said and sat down on the proffered chair a little stiffly. Dumbledore nodded and disappeared towards the counter. Lily remarked that he seemed to somehow skip the entire queue without actually cutting in on anyone; how he managed this, she couldn't tell. The boy behind the counter gawked at him shamelessly. It didn't take Dumbledore long to reappear, followed by a floating trail of two cups, saucers and plates, a round ceramic pot of tea, two scones, an assortment of marmalades, a sugar container and a small jug of milk, all of which gracefully glided on the table in their appropriate places. Dumbledore took a seat.

"No tea without a snack – old man's eccentricities," he said and smiled, taking a scone.

Lily answered his smile and poured tea into their cups. It occurred to her then that she had never really been alone with the Headmaster before, and the realisation made her a little nervous. As she buttered her scone, she wondered what his sudden visit was all about – if he simply wanted to know where she lived, all he had to do was send her an owl and ask.

"While the tea really is rather excellent, I'm certain you have by now deduced that I did not simply come here to share the pleasure of tasty scones with you?" Dumbledore asked her, setting his cup down on the saucer.

"Well," Lily said. "I would have been very surprised if you had. Though very flattered, of course."

Dumbledore hummed again, his eyes twinkling, and Lily smiled charmingly. She again thought of Severus, and wondered if it was somehow possible that Dumbledore had found out about him... but it wasn't – how could he have? Nobody knew, not even her own parents. As far as anyone was concerned, he was just some person who had disappeared from her life years ago. Well, Mary and Bunny knew she had snogged him on Valentine's Day. But Lily found it unlikely that either of them had ran to share that particular piece of juicy gossip with Dumbledore. So she just kept on patiently sipping her tea and waited for him to tell why he was here.

"I have come here, because it has regretfully come to my attention that you are no longer living in the Potter residence," Dumbledore said. "As a smart young woman, I'm sure you realise why this interests me - other than simply to pay my regrets for this unfortunate turn of events?"

Lily nodded. "Because I know about the operations and the identities of members, and you wish to know if me moving out means I have also left the, uh, Order," she lowered her voice as she said the last word, glancing at the empty tables around herself. "I was wondering whether somebody would contact me about it. Thought I was expecting an owl..."

"And right you are," Dumbledore nodded. "So, my question is this – are your changed living arrangements simply that, or does this mean you have left more than just the affections of one James Potter behind yourself?"

Lily wiped scone crumbs off her knee and hesitated for a while, knowing Dumbledore was indirectly asking her whether she wanted to continue her affiliation with the Order of the Phoenix.

"I don't know," she said finally. "I don't really even know much about what the Or – I mean, what we did to begin with. I didn't really learn much besides how to protect a house from burglaries, to be honest. And how to cure scrapes. Not that the latter skill hasn't come in handy here at work..."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled again.

"Would you like to learn more, then? More useful skills?" He asked.

"What skills would those be?" Lily asked. "What sort of magic?"

"Magic which is useful in a confrontation with a person of harmful intent," Dumbledore said. "The sort of magic which Aurors, among many others, use."

"Do you mean Dark Magic?" Lily asked him directly, feeling a little uncomfortable. _Everyone kills..._ Severus's words sprang to her mind.

Dumbledore eyed her penetratingly over his half-moon spectacles. "It is very important to understand how certain types of Dark Magic work in theory. Aurors are, by law, allowed to use even Unforgivables under certain limited circumstances. But no, you would not be learning to use that sort of magic, I don't think."

Lily took a sip of her tea and thought.

"I can't imagine enjoying causing harm, or taking part in any fighting," she finally said, still thinking of Severus. "Even against... well... Death Eaters. If you had asked me before I started here and saw the Injuries Ward, I would have probably been more excited... but not any more."

"Very understandable," Dumbledore said. "And quite rare for a person as young as you to come to such a conclusion. Of course, there is much else you can do. You would not be forced to actively seek any such confrontation – though these days, you may find yourself at a tricky spot no matter where your allegiances lie, of course."

"But James is... things are a little tricky between James and I," Lily said and sighed. "I don't believe I would be welcome back to his house, not even for meetings."

"Oh, well, then you will be surprised to hear that I have had a word with him and he seems open to the idea of seeing you," Dumbledore said and took a sip of his tea. "We have a meeting at nine tonight. What time do you get off work?"

"At eight," Lily admitted reluctantly.

"Excellent. I propose you Floo yourself to the Potter residence directly after work and talk things over with the young master of the house. And then stay for the meeting, of course."

"And he gave you the impression that I'm welcome?" Lily asked a little incredulously, thinking of the letter she had sent, and to which James had never replied to. She couldn't help but feel nervous at the prospect of facing him so soon after the break-up.

"Well... James is a reasonable man. I do not think he has much interest in harbouring grudges," Dumbledore said lightly, tactfully avoiding directly answering Lily's question. "Much like yourself, I believe."

Lily sipped her tea and thought over his suggestion. It would mean that she wouldn't probably have the time to go to Severus's tonight.

"I'll think about it," Lily finally said.

"I can ask nothing more of you," Dumbledore said and eyed her in approval. "But I hope you will see him. Getting over disagreements is the first step towards harmony. There will be a turn of events soon, and our allegiance will be of utmost importance. You have of course read today's Daily Prophet?"

"Yeah," Lily said and avoided his eyes.

"Yes, it was quite a change to the usual knitting patterns – not that I didn't enjoy those. This startlingly suggestive article however seems to be a rather clever tactical ploy to get the Minister of Magic to resign, I'm afraid," Dumbledore said. "And unfortunately it seems like it's working - there's a riot outside the Ministry as we speak. They did their job well. The Daily Prophet has of course long been in the command of Lord Voldemort, and so they can print whatever they want – but most people still think the paper is independent and neutral, and unfortunately Lord Voldemort is taking advantage of this ignorance. So, we have a murder, fake Aurors suggesting a large cover-up operation at the Ministry, then the record bounty... they certainly went out of their way to plant seeds of doubt against the authorities. Whether the murders were staged for exactly this purpose, I can't say."

"Does that mean that You-Know-Who is intending to become the Minister of Magic?" Lily asked, alarmed.

Dumbledore seemed to thoroughly ponder this for a moment.

"Well... probably the only person who really knows what he intends is himself," he finally said. "Although I have my own suspicions."

Lily eyed him warily, but finally couldn't help but ask. "May I ask what do you suspect, then? Professor?"

Dumbledore fixed his intensive eyes upon her. "I am no longer your Professor, Lily. But to answer your question, I suspect that Lord Voldemort does not want to chain himself behind a desk and drown himself in paperwork. It is much more likely that the new Minister of Magic is either a supporter of his, or someone who is under his Imperio. This, of course, depends on how many of his men are sitting in the electoral body as we speak. I dare say nobody besides him knows the answer to this, either. But we shall see, on Monday at latest I believe."

Lily took a bite of her strawberry marmalade covered scone, a sneaking feeling of dread creeping up her spine as she imagined the impending changes in the Ministry and what it might signify. Dumbledore smiled over his half-moon spectacles, like they had been discussing nothing more alarming than the rainy September weather.

"Now it is my turn to ask you a question, Lily," Dumbledore said. "Do you wish for Lord Voldemort's reign of terror to end?"

"Yes," Lily said without a hesitation, thinking of a world where Severus would no longer be a Death Eater, and where she would feel safe, and would be free to seek employment and housing wherever she wished; where the Minister of Magic wouldn't be on You-Know-Who's side. "I do."

"Then you know what you must do," Dumbledore said and reached his hand over the table to give her hand a soft squeeze before withdrawing it.

Lily was silent for a while. Finally she nodded again. "All right. I'll go to James and speak things over with him. And I guess, for now, I will also remain in the Or – with you, I mean."

"Excellent." Dumbledore smiled as though her decision wasn't a particularly big surprise, and took another sip of his tea. Lily mimicked him.

"Professor... I mean, sir, can I ask you one more question?" Lily asked, making up her mind.

"Certainly," Dumbledore promised, peering at her over his half-moon spectacles.

"Last spring... there was that incident," Lily said shyly. "Uh, the incident where James and Sirius were accused of going into the Slytherin dungeons -"

Dumbledore raised his hand to quiet her.

"I think that in the present company, it's quite safe to use correct terms," he said. "You mean the incident when James and Sirius indeed went to the Slytherin dungeons and used Crucio on the late Morland Mulciber?"

"Right," Lily blushed. "So... you knew all along..."

"That you lied to cover up for them?" Dumbledore said seriously. "Among other things, yes."

"Then why did you let them get away with it?" Lily asked tentatively, unable to decide if the Headmaster had sounded reprimanding or not.

Dumbledore gazed contemplatively somewhere over her shoulder for a while.

"The Ministry takes the use of Unforgivable curses very seriously," he said finally. "Perhaps you disagree with my decision -" he raised his hand again when Lily opened her mouth to interject that she wasn't blaming him for an error in his judgement "- but at that time I thought that a lifetime prison sentence was a punishment much too harsh for two young men who were driven by a desire for justice, justice which the Ministry had failed to distribute - yes, I know about Morland Mulciber's shocking hobbies, I was present at his hearing a year ago. Had I chosen to put James and Sirius into detention or otherwise showed I took the accusations of Mulciber and his dorm mates seriously, I have no doubt in my mind that Mulciber's father would have made certain that the boys would have been tried like any other criminals and be thrown into Azkaban. And despite the nature of James and Sirius's crime, I did not see it fit for them to be tried on the same grounds as Death Eaters and other such criminals are tried for – or, should I say, should be tried for. In fact, that very incident was part of the reason why I approached every one of you involved in it about joining our cause."

"So – so you _approved_ of it?" Lily asked, unable to keep shock from creeping into her tone as she digested the unexpected crumb of new information.

"I most definitely didn't approve of it," Dumbledore said and turned his eyes towards her again. His eyes were no longer twinkling, but they were grey and piercing as steel. "It was reckless, and they put themselves at great risk. However, laws are not always moral or good, neither are crimes always immoral and evil. That is the whole point of the resistance, and I'm afraid that should the Minister of Magic be replaced, it will become even clearer still. And as I said, Aurors are sometimes allowed to use Unforgivable curses as part of their job. Does that make their actions evil? No – it makes them neither evil nor good."

"So... do you think that Dark Arts can be used for good? Or at least neutrally?" Lily asked him.

"I believe... I believe that the means themselves are irrelevant. It's the motive which counts," Dumbledore said. "The same way that you can use a wand for both good and evil, you can use all magic for either good and evil. Even the most common household spell can be deathly if incorrectly used. The evil lives inside the person wielding the wand, not in the wand or the spell. And I like to think myself capable, with an accuracy that sometimes surprises even myself, of recognising such sordid and shady characters. But to my understanding, neither James Potter or Sirius Black are what you would call evil."

Lily had a sudden feeling like she had been reprimanded by the Headmaster, even though neither his tone or his expression had changed. She snapped her mouth shut. Again, it seemed like Dumbledore guessed what she was thinking, because he spoke again.

"You are allowed to ask questions, Lily," he said, in a gentle tone. Lily gave him an insipid smile.

"Then... do you think that all Death Eaters are evil?" She asked timidly, deciding that now that she had the opportunity, she might as well use it.

"Ah..." Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and an almost dreamy expression passed on his face. "That's an interesting question. One that I don't really have an absolute answer to. They have certainly sworn themselves to the service of a cruel master. Many of them are ruthless killers who want to act out their twisted desires. But Lord Voldemort is known for his ability to charm and deceive, and I wouldn't think it at all impossible that some of his followers have joined his cause without having complete knowledge of where they have put themselves into."

"So if a Death Eater wanted to abandon You-Know-Who, you would protect him?" Lily asked nervously, feeling like she was perhaps revealing a little too much, but unable to stop herself.

Dumbledore's eyes turned towards her and Lily tried to look as innocent as she could, though his eyes seemed to bore straight into her heart and the secrets she kept within. She forced herself to stare right back at him.

"If such a person indeed would come forth," Dumbledore finally said. "I would naturally be willing to give this person a chance. Call me an old sentimental mould-ear - but I do not believe in lost causes."

Lily remembered how her mother had said something similar and felt a slight flutter of hope inside her.

"I was just curious..." she mumbled, averting her eyes. "I always used to think things are so black and white..."

"Yes, as did I," Dumbledore said. "A very long time ago. I still reminisce upon those times quite fondly. But I can assure you, once you're as old as I am, the only thing you will find black and white anymore is the layout of a chess board. Unless of course it's green and yellow; I've seen the new collection at Zonko's. The colour scheme is really quite appalling."

Lily raised her eyes. Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling again.

Dumbledore said nothing more of either the Order or the day's headlines, and instead kept up a light conversation until the scones were finished and the pot of tea was empty, after which he insisted on escorting Lily back to the lifts, and Lily again found herself at his arm as they strolled along the hospital's pristine corridors.

"Thank you for the tea," Lily said as she entered the lift, leaving Dumbledore to stand in the corridor.

"Thank you for the lovely company. I hope your colleagues will forgive me for keeping you so long. Until this evening, then," Dumbledore said and bowed gracefully as the bars of the lift slid shut. Lily couldn't help but do a clumsy little curtsey in return, which seemed to amuse Dumbledore quite a bit, and left her with red cheeks as the lift slid upwards and obstructed her view of his bearded smirk.

Lily returned to her ward, her mind buzzing with the unexpected, yet oddly consoling meeting with the Headmaster. She made up her mind to go to Severus's house the next day straight after work, feeling resolved to make him see the err of his ways and abandon the Death Eaters. After all, Dumbledore could protect him, he had said so himself. He would be safe in Dumbledore's camp.

"Ah, Lily," Mr Appleby sighed dramatically as she entered. "Who was this chap that came looking for you? A boyfriend? Were I thirty years younger and out of this wheelchair, I would challenge him to a duel!"

"Sorry, Mr Appleby, but I don't think thirty years would cut it," Lily said. "And I'm not so sure you would have won that duel, anyhow..." she added, thinking that if Dumbledore had managed to vanquish Grindelwald, Mr. Appleby and his shiny head would hardly be a challenge.

As Lily started preparing the Sleeping Draught for the sleepwalking old witch, she felt just a little stab of anxiety as she thought of whether or not Severus had yet read the Daily Prophet article; whether or not he knew that the whole country was looking for him because of her.


	21. Sources of information

I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.

\- Kurt Vonnegut

""

Like Lily's, also Severus's Friday morning had started with an owl knocking behind his covered kitchen window, the day's Daily Prophet in its claws.

The morning had dawned as pale and nasty as any other September morning that year, and after sourly peeking through the kitchen's curtains while he cracked the window to let the owl in, Severus had decided that this day, like every other, would undoubtedly be a miserable, deep dark pit of utter failure. The morning's Daily Prophet and its screaming headline didn't lighten his mood at all, although he had known to expect it, having checked the paper every morning of the week and waited.

He had read the parts of the article where the Ministry was tarred with interest, assuming that the Dark Lord now intended to take over the Ministry once and for all, using the deaths of Horton and Morland to rise alarm and to sow distrust. He had to admire the strategy; after all, there had been a lot of rumours about sudden deaths and disappearances for months, but when the papers hadn't published any stories, the public had slowly lulled themselves into believing that perhaps nothing was going on after all; that the stories of last spring and winter were a thing of the past, that the persons responsible were already locked up. The suggestion that the Ministry had tried to cover up last weekend's murders of course made everybody wonder whether they had been just kept in the dark for the last six months. The Dark Lord didn't need to take over the Ministry by violence - the people would be demanding for a new Minister. Severus approved of this method wholeheartedly; all in all, it was both a clever and humane way to seize control. If all went without a hitch, the secrecy clause could be abolished in as little as a year and the Dark Lord's men would be in control of every Department of the Ministry.

Severus was almost tempted to tell the Dark Lord about his part in this stroke of luck, but then remembered he could hardly give a believable explanation for why he had attacked two of his fellow Death Eaters, at least not without bringing unnecessary attention to his unorthodox interest in a Muggleborn woman, which he was certain would cause his fellow pureblood Death Eaters to whisper and question his loyalties. Besides, he wasn't entirely certain what the Dark Lord himself would think of his feelings towards her. Something inside warned him about ever revealing his deep affection for her to the Dark Lord, even though he had seemed to find Morland's superstitious beliefs just as ridiculous as Severus had. And what if the Dark Lord would kill him to make an example out of him, a warning of what happened if somebody turned against their own? No, it was best to keep silent about his part in this lucky accident.

But Severus himself had nothing to fear in regards to being linked to Morland and Horton's deaths, he was certain of it. The alley had been completely deserted, it had been dark, and he had been fully covered. Apart from Lily, nobody would ever know. And perhaps, as he grudgingly had to admit, Potter - if she had told him despite having insisted in her letter that she had told no one. Hate towards Potter flamed up inside him again at the mere thought of him.

But then again, thick as Potter undoubtedly was, it was nevertheless a stretch to believe he was _so_ thick he had failed to notice his girlfriend staying out until early morning and then showing up wearing a different set of clothes and behaving strangely. Severus knew he himself would have been absolutely livid had it been him waiting for Lily at home – not least because he would assume she had dropped dead in some ditch if she unexpectedly failed to show up at a normal hour. No, Lily had certainly needed to tell Potter _something_.

For a few moments Severus wondered if Potter would stoop so low as to go and turn him in if he indeed knew what he had done. But Potter certainly didn't need the gold, and since Severus had only killed Morland and Horton in order to rescue Lily, he assumed Potter would be at least grateful for getting her girlfriend back alive and in one piece. Not that it meant much – perhaps Potter would turn him in just for the kicks, being the nasty brat that he was. Black certainly would. Maybe he should write Lily another letter, just to double-check she hadn't told anyone, Severus thought as he chucked a handful of Floo powder into the sitting room's fireplace.

Severus was in a foul mood as he made his way to work. Running into Rookwood in the lifts and having to listen to his jolly drivelling only served to remind him how unusually challenging and frustrating his own work was in comparison to the other employees of the Department of Mysteries, and he still couldn't wrap his head around the man being a Death Eater. Not only was the man irritatingly talkative and social, he was also a lousy manager, who spent most of his hours popping in and out of other people's offices and gossiping (which Severus grudgingly had to admit might be useful for the Dark Lord, though he had a hard time imagining Rookwood with his wide smirks in a room together with the Dark Lord), and he seemed to pay no attention to anything that happened in his department. After months of working under him, Severus had better started to understand Lydia Roebuck's grudge towards Rookwood; she would have made a much more efficient manager than he did, and Severus could only assume he had gotten the promotion they had both been after simply because of his allegiance with the Dark Lord. The realisation bothered him a little, since he had gotten used to thinking that the Dark Lord only chose the very best to his service, and Rookwood didn't embody any of the virtues nor vices Severus admired. In many ways, Lydia would have made a much better Death Eater than Rookwood did.

Severus's bad mood didn't shift all morning. He was sick of the arch. He was sick of the stale, cold, unmoving air in the chamber, and he was sick of the whispers and the constant frustration his work caused him. Severus wasn't the type of a person who was used to not being able to figure out something, and his frustration led him to have bouts of self-doubt about his intelligence as he continued to dumbly stare at the runes scribbled to the arch's side (a mortifying feeling; he couldn't remember a time in his life when he had ever doubted his intelligence). Resisting the pull of the arch and trying not to listen to the whispers behind the damn veil made his head hurt and it took every ounce of his self-control to not start hurling books at the arch in his frustration. How long would this continue? For how long did he have to spend time here, locked into this room and staring at a crumbling piece of stone? _You know how long_ , a nasty voice said at the back of his mind. _Till the end of the year. And that's all the time you're ever going to get._ He threw the book he's been inspecting back into the pile of books he's already read and grabbed another one, trying to push the nasty voice to the back of his head.

 _Severus..._ the voice softly whispered beyond the veil, calling for him, and he tried his best to ignore it, to clear his mind from all thought and emotions as he peered at the thin, yellowing pages of _Ancient Philology of Britannica_. His concentration was slipping and he realised he had started the same sentence over and over again without understanding it. Ten weeks to live...

The veil just kept on fluttering, its rustling mixing in with the whispers calling his name. The lack of sleep made it harder to shut his mind. Finally, after a particularly loud and insistent whisper, Severus lost it.

"Shut up! Just _shut up_!" He yelled in vain at the fluttering veil, his voice echoing on the stone walls of the empty pit as he scrambled up and away from the arch. "Leave me _alone_!"

He could have sworn he heard a sad sigh in return, and kicked the pile of books in anger as he hurried out of the chamber for a very early lunch.

The language on the arch didn't exist. Severus was certain it didn't. The glorious library of the Ministry had failed him, or the language simply didn't exist. He chose to believe the latter, and spent his lunch in an empty café in Diagon Alley (lunch hour hadn't even started yet), trying not to mind the splitting headache as he apathetically toyed with a piece of carrot on his plate and imagined hearing the seconds pass him by, the precious seconds which would run out in a matter of weeks as far as he was concerned. He wished he didn't need to return to the chamber ever again.

Sometimes he wondered if his Occlumency was good enough to fool the Dark Lord; it had certainly gotten much better since he had started working at the Department of Mysteries. Shutting his mind was the only way he could resist the constant, magnetic pull of the veil for eight to ten hours a day, but was it good enough to plant a believable false memory? Would it be possible to get away with such deception against the Dark Lord, one of the most accomplished Legilimens of the century? If he only dared to take the risk, he could just _pretend_ he had cracked the arch's mystery. Perhaps the Dark Lord would be disappointed when his false information would not be of use to him, but still spare his life... not that Severus was entirely certain what it was that the Dark Lord hoped him to discover, anyway. Then he felt a sting of anxiety as he imagined the Dark Lord finding out about his treacherous thoughts, and couldn't help but glance paranoidly around himself in the half-empty café where only a single goblin sat at a corner table and gorged on something that looked like a boiled rat on a bed of lettuce.

To get rid of his splitting headache, Severus decided to pop by the Ministry's infirmary on his way back to the Department of Mysteries and ask for some potion. The infirmary was located in the basement near the courtrooms, and it was more like a combination of an infirmary, an apothecary, and a nurse's office. The ceilings were high here, as high as in the court rooms, and most of the walls were covered in shelves upon which thousands and thousands of potion flasks glimmered in the light of the torches. The young bob-haired witch at the reception next to the doors sighed as she saw him enter.

"You again?" She asked and tutted, throwing the Daily Prophet she had been reading on the desk and crossing her arms before he had as much as opened his mouth. The Aurors were covering Morland and Horton's bodies in sheets in the photograph on the front page of the paper. "You're not developing an addiction to Cottonbrain Potion, are you?"

Severus eyed her sullenly. "If I was, I'd be at home drinking it to my heart's content instead of at here, talking with you."

The witch gave him a sour look, which Severus returned. He didn't much care for her; she had made him fill out a nasty and intrusive survey regarding his health and family history on his first week of work. But then the witch took out a quill and a pink piece of parchment from the pile next to her, and sighed. Severus tapped his fingers against the counter and waited.

"Right. Date... name of patient... Severus Snape," the bob-haired witch muttered as she wrote. "Prescription... Cottonbrain Potion... cause of visit... let me guess? Headache again?"

"I'm astonished by your excellent guess. Since that's what Cottonbrain Potion is used for."

The witch duplicated the pink slip she had scribbled on and then handed one copy to him, and pretended she hadn't heard him.

"You know where to get it," she said, filing the original copy of the pink slip away into a leather folder which she placed upon the bookshelf behind her.

"Thank you," Severus said surly and went to the medicine counter, deciding to brew himself a cauldronful of the stuff this weekend to avoid further visits to the infirmary.

After receiving and taking a hefty dose of Cottonbrain Potion, Severus felt a little better. The potion worked almost instantaneously; he could almost feel it travelling in his bloodstream and through his brain, shutting down pain receptors in its wake and leaving his head a little fuzzy. One reason why Severus liked this particular potion was that it also relaxed him nicely. Developing an addiction to it didn't sound half as bad now that he thought about it; the buzz was a welcome change to the constant state of alertness he had been in since the early weeks of June. Now calm, he decided to give himself a break from the arch and go to the Shells instead.

In a morbid way, the Shells both fascinated and repulsed him. It was normal to feel uncomfortable around them, as they were against nature in every way, and yet they were oddly calming. They laid on metallic hospital beds in room 2, their eyes empty but their chests rising and falling in tune with their slow breathing. There were sixteen of them, some younger and some older, but Severus recognised only one of them, a man who had murdered his entire family in a fit of insanity some five years earlier; his picture had been all over the newspapers at that time. His hair was now long and dirty, and he laid on a bed between two other men, as harmless as any of the others around him.

Apart from the occasional twitch, sigh or dilation of pupils, the Shells were pretty much vegetables. An old healer came in from the infirmary to feed them a couple of times a day and for the occasional bathing, but otherwise the room was almost always empty and peaceful. Except for when they did experiments. Sometimes Severus was required to participate, though he found the Shells twice as repulsive during the experiments. The experiments usually consisted of shoving a separated soul (kept in room 3) into a foreign Shell and watching the newly born being try to come to grips with its horrid existence. Usually they had to be separated after only a few hours because of the being's erratic and unpredictable behaviour. Sometimes they begged for death; he loathed those the most.

But today the room was empty, and Severus sat on a chair at the end of the room and stared at the bodies. Their silent breathing and thoughtless existence was calming, which was the reason why he came here. He felt himself relaxing even further, the Cottonbrain Potion working its magic in his brain. It was strange how this room, while technically full of people, had such a calming effect on him, while the empty chamber containing nothing but the arch caused such havoc on his mind and sanity. But then again, they weren't really people, were they, Severus languidly thought as he eyes the blank brown eyes of a woman lying on a bed next to him; she occasionally clenched her hand into a tight fist and ground her teeth. There was nothing but nerve impulses left in them, nothing human inside their head. She was essentially dead, apart from her body, which kept on living and reacting to some basic stimuli, such as pain. Or was there something else, too? What did it feel like, to lose one's soul?

Impulsively, Severus tried Legilimency on the woman. He immediately pulled back out. There had been nothing; just the lamp hanging above the woman, and his own face at the corner of her eye, but no understanding of anything her eyes took in. No emotions or feelings to decipher, no usual jumble of stimuli and memories; just a dull, cold, empty mirror of the room around her. Being inside her head had felt rather like sinking one's face into cold snow and expecting to see the stars. And the worst part of it was that it had almost felt like the body was so eager for a soul that he had felt a strange suctioning feeling, like the body had wanted to consume his very mind into itself.

Severus got up, the instinctual revulsion winning over his desire for peace. Choosing the calls of the arch over the off-putting Shells, he made his way back to the chamber and keeled in his usual spot by the arch's side. But before he had grabbed the topmost book from the pile he had kicked aside in his earlier bout of anger, the Dark Mark on his arm started burning, and he clasped it, stumbling up again.

What did the Dark Lord want now? This was the third time within a week Severus had been summoned; a big change to the usual once-a-month reports and occasional Death Eater meetings. And it was weekday, a work day. He had never been called at such a time before. Having a very ominous feeling, Severus rushed out of the chamber and then out of the Department of Mysteries, towards the corridors where he could Disapparate. He no longer felt relaxed. After the Dark Lord had suggested his life was soon coming to an end, Severus was no longer quite so certain that the Dark Lord cared about or appreciated him. After making it to an empty corridor, he let the Dark Mark pull him to the Dark Lord's side.

This time he didn't find himself from the dining room of the Lestrange mansion, as he had come to expect. Instead, a sight of the familiar drawing room of the Malfoy mansion greeted him. He turned around, and then took a startled step back, having suddenly realised he had Apparated much closer to the Dark Lord than he would have liked; his pale, disfigured face stared at him from just three feet away. He was sitting in a green velvet-covered armchair by the unlit fireplace, and Lucius Malfoy stood next to him, pulling down the left sleeve of his his black velvet robes.

"That will be all for now, Lucius," the Dark Lord said. "Take care of our prisoner. And come back after I have had my talk with Severus."

"Of course, my Lord," Lucius said, bowing and already backing away from him. "Thank you."

Lucius gave Severus a hasty nod and left the room in much longer strides than was typical of him. Severus turned towards the Dark Lord and he bowed too, using the opportunity to push the memories of last weekend's massacre to the furthest corner of his mind. As he straightened himself, he assumed the blank look which he always tried to keep on his face at the presence of his master. The Dark Lord looked somehow even more frightening in this setting, and Severus came to think he had never before seen him in natural light (unlike at the Lestrange mansion's shadowy dining room, the curtains were open here) and the pale sunlight which fell on the Dark Lord's face made him look practically corpse-like. The little veins on his face were more visible, and he looked unnatural, ghastly, like something that had been dead for days. Though not usually one to mind somebody's looks, Severus realised that he felt repulsed by him.

To his surprise, the Dark Lord stood up and gave him a very calculating look which filled Severus's mind with alarm. He approached Severus slowly, his red eyes gleaming strangely, and Severus's heart started beating quicker. The Dark Lord had never looked at him like that before.

"Have you read today's Daily Prophet, Severus?" The Dark Lord asked, coming to a halt very close to Severus.

"Yes, my Lord," Severus said quickly. "It was very wise, to use the killings to force the Minister to resign. The whole Ministry will soon be in your hands."

The Dark Lord just stared at him, and Severus fell silent. He swallowed, and the Dark Lord's eyes flickered to his throat.

"I made the most of the situation," the Dark Lord finally said. "However... the murders alarm me."

Severus still said nothing, nervously waiting for the Dark Lord to continue. But he turned away from Severus and walked past him, slowly, until he came to stand somewhere behind Severus. He felt the hairs at the back of his neck rising, feeling like he was being stalked by a snake. He forced himself to remain rigid, kept his emotions in control. He was filled with ominous foreboding.

"Do you know why the murders alarm me?" the Dark Lord asked, and Severus felt his breath in his hair. He fought against a repulsion which was even worse than in the room with the Shells; he realised there was something unnatural about the Dark Lord, just as there had been about the Shells.

"No, my Lord," Severus said.

"They alarm me, because they were committed by someone adept at Dark Magic. Someone who is not afraid to send me a message," the Dark Lord said, and was then silent, as though expecting Severus to comment; he knew better, and kept his mouth shut.

"...Someone who is not afraid to slay my followers," the Dark Lord continued. Severus could feel the Dark Lord moving behind him again. "In other words... someone who is not afraid to challenge _me._ "

The Dark Lord circled back around Severus, fixing his red glare into Severus again. Severus swallowed again.

"My Lord," Severus said. "Perhaps that was not the motive for the killings. Perhaps they just got into an argument, or a fight... they had plenty to drink at the celebration on Sunday evening before leaving..."

"They were killed in a manner that only a person with thorough knowledge and skill in the Dark Arts would have chosen. They were killed using a spell I myself am not familiar with," the Dark Lord said coldly. "And that... that is what interests me. No, it was a message to me, Severus. There is no doubt about it. A _challenge_ , to me! To the greatest Dark Wizard of all time. A challenge, a message, a threat... to Lord Voldemort."

He eyed Severus with that same calculating look in his eyes. Severus forced himself to stare back at him.

"Do you know why I have called you here, Severus?" He then asked, in a dangerous voice. "Do you know why I wanted you to pause your valuable work at the Ministry, and come here to see me?"

Severus stared into his red eyes and pushed his memory deeper. _I went home after the celebration. I read Ancient Philology of Britannica. I went to bed._

"No, my Lord," he said softly, afraid the Dark Lord would hear his nervously beating heart through the bone and the skin and the air between them.

The Dark Lord smiled.

"Because, Severus, I _know_ who is the person responsible for the deaths of Mulciber and Avery."

Severus felt his heart stop in his chest and he couldn't help the slight twitch of his wand arm that itched to pull the wand out. If the Dark Lord noticed this, he didn't let it on, as he just continued to stare at Severus, his eyes gleaming dangerously, calculatingly. Then, without a warning, he was in Severus's head.

Severus desperately pushed his false memory out to his view, imagining the rustling, yellowing pages of _Ancient Philology of Britannica,_ and the grandfather clock under the stairs which said ten o'clock, and the grey sheets of his bed as he pulled the covers aside. The Dark Lord pushed through the false memory of his Saturday night in a cold, uncaring manner, and Severus was confused for a moment as he realised the Dark Lord was searching for something else.

And then, without a warning, there was Lily. Her loathing sixteen-year-old face as she turned away from him at the Gryffindor portrait hole, her letting Grover Vass sneak his hand under her top in a corner table in a café in Hogsmeade, her lips pressing against James Potter's lips. Her eyes gleaming amber in the flickering candlelight of the corner nook of Slughorn's party as she kissed his lips.

Severus's emotions fluctuated violently with jealousy, sadness, desire and happiness as the Dark Lord inspected the same memories he had seen once already, all those months ago, but unlike last time when he had moved through them like they didn't matter, this time he paid attention to them and carefully examined every memory he pulled out like they were a story he was trying to piece together. And as he still bore deeper, Severus finally got over his surprise and had the mind to try and shut away the rest of his memories about her.

The Dark Lord was busy examining a memory of a fourteen-year-old Lily climbing up a tree by the river and the accidental glimpse of the thin cotton knickers her short Muggle skirt had revealed to Severus, and so he seemed to fail to notice how the rest of his memories of her slipped away. After Severus had relived the powerful rush of raw teenage desire the memory had reignited inside him, the Dark Lord moved on to try and find other memories of her, but to no avail. He groped around Severus's mind coldly, finding only a few inconsequential snippets of memories – Petunia's horse-like sour face as she sat on a sofa in the Evans's sitting room, a glimpse of one of Severus's sexual fantasies of Lily, the faded name 'Evans' in the post box in front of her childhood home, a flash of her bare, wet legs as she rose from the muddy water of the river where she had paddled. Finally the Dark Lord pulled back from his head, leaving behind a dull, aching pain that throbbed even through the Cottonbrain Potion's effects, and Severus had to grasp the backrest of an armchair to steady himself.

"This Mudblood," the Dark Lord said and turned away from Severus. "You had a sexual relationship with her."

It wasn't a question, and Severus made a vague sound in his throat that sounded more like a gasp than anything resembling agreement or disagreement. But the Dark Lord didn't seem to listen, having interpreted the memories he had seen in his own way. He walked over to the green armchair by the fireplace and sat down, stroking his lip contemplatively with one long, pale finger. Severus straightened himself and tried not to mind the weak, violated feeling the Dark Lord's examination had left behind. Somehow it had felt worse now that he had tried – and succeeded, he realised with a rush of relief – to hide things from him, and his mind was fuzzy, like it was trying very hard to come back to focus. Then he realised what it meant that the Dark Lord had looked at _her_ , and his mind cleared in an instant.

"I recognised her immediately," the Dark Lord said quietly, like he was talking to himself, as he stared at the black pile of ash in the dark fireplace. "I never forget a face. _Lily Evans._ "

Severus was alarmed when the Dark Lord suddenly laughed a joyless, creepy laugh that made him shudder, and turned his scarlet gaze upon him.

"To imagine that a Mudblood would challenge _me_ ," the Dark Lord said, his face stretched into a smile that made his skull prominent through the skin. "The gall!"

"She? Challenge you, my Lord?" Severus repeated weakly.

"Indeed, Severus," the Dark Lord said. "In this house there is a man currently kept prisoner, who has been a great source of information for me. He has told and shown me a great many things. He was after the bounty promised in the Daily Prophet, of course -" he waved his hand lazily "- but he has turned out to be very useful for me. It just so happens that this man saw this sweet little Mudblood of yours – now Severus, do not take offence at my choice of words, I know your relationship with her is merely a folly of the past – killing my two Death Eaters."

Severus stared at the Dark Lord.

"But she... I do not believe her capable of such a thing," Severus finally said and licked his dry lips. He was thinking very quickly. "As my Lord said himself, she is just a... Mudblood, and a Gryffindor at that. While I confess to never having gotten to know her more intimately than was, ah, required, she never showed the slightest inclination or interest for the Dark Arts. She was just a foolish young girl, interested only in her looks and stale gossip. Your source of information must be mistaken, my Lord."

"My source of information is not mistaken," the Dark Lord said and his voice was suddenly very cold and metallic. "I have looked into his mind most thoroughly. He has kept no secrets from me. It was she I saw in his mind, Lily Evans - and the murders of my two soldiers."

Severus remained silent, his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. He should have gone to deal with Morland and Horton himself, it had been a mistake to let her go, a foolish, stupid fucking mistake, and now everything was hanging by a thread...

"Now, Severus," the Dark Lord said. "Are you able to fill in the gaps which my source was unable to fill? Can you tell me where the object of our interest is?"

Severus bowed his head. "My Lord, I regret to have no knowledge of her whereabouts. As you must be aware, I have had no contact with her in years."

"I'm aware, Severus," the Dark Lord said impatiently. "But there are other ways to reach her. Certainly you must know where her parents live, seeing as you have spent time with her outside of Hogwarts?"

Severus sighed in relief but tried to masquerade it as a sigh of frustration. "I wish I could, my Lord. In my youth, her family used to live near myself – but I'm afraid they no longer live there. I have no knowledge of the whereabouts of either her parents or her horrid Muggle sister. The house is now inhabited by some Muggles - complete strangers to both her and her family."

"That is very disappointing," the Dark Lord said. "It is your luck, Severus, that I have my reasons to be fond of you. If my other Death Eaters had failed with my tasks as consistently as you have, I would have dealt with their failures long ago."

"My Lord..." Severus said, but was silenced by the Dark Lord's gesture.

"Silence, Severus. Luckily for you my source of information has also been useful in other ways, having led me to information which will help me to be able to capture Lily Evans this very night."

Severus felt like somebody had poured freezing water over his head, and he suddenly felt weak again.

"My Lord?" he forced himself to say. "I'm relieved to hear that. May I... may I ask what information is this?"

"My source of information tells me that the old fool Albus Dumbledore has been building up some sort of a pitiful army of renegades," the Dark Lord said and smiled nastily. "Young fools, mostly, but there are some Aurors involved, too. The Order of the Phoenix, he calls it. Apparently the delusional old man thinks he can stop me with a bumbling band of bloodtraitors and Mudbloods fresh out of school. However, my source of information has helpfully informed me that the girl may be snatched from the group's headquarters a little before their next meeting. Of course, it would have been more convenient to get her through her parents... I would hate to think of losing further soldiers to Aurors."

"I volunteer myself for the mission," Severus said immediately, cursing Lily in his mind. Of course she had gone and joined some foolish resistance group and put herself in danger's way. "I volunteer to be there to bring her to you, my Lord."

The Dark Lord leaned towards him in his chair and he quickly cleared his mind again.

"You already have a mission, Severus," the Dark Lord said coldly. "Or have you forgotten already?"

"No, my Lord, of course not..." Severus said quickly. "I just thought... since she knows me, I might be of use..."

"But as you said yourself, you no longer know her," the Dark Lord said, and though it was hard to tell from his gleaming eyes and skullish features, to Severus it looked like he was amused. "Do not let your lust blind you, Severus. Yes, do not try to lie to Lord Voldemort, because I have seen -" for Severus had made a disagreeing noise in his throat "- I have seen in your mind that you still desire her, and because of your blinding lust it would be unwise for me to let you go to her. Of course, I allow my Death Eaters to have their little fun with Mudbloods if they so wish, but my intention is to firstly try and recruit her to my side, as it would be a waste to spill such talented blood, no matter what her shameful background may be. The spells she used to kill my Death Eaters prove that she is neither as innocent nor as loyal to Dumbledore as everyone, including yourself, seem to take her for, and thus she should be willing to join me when she realises how much she may gain if she joins, and how much she will lose should she not. No, I will not let my Death Eaters play with her." For a moment the Dark Lord was silent and looked contemplative, tracing his lip with his finger again. "Of course, should she refuse to join me... I might let you keep her for a while before killing her. As a reward, _if_ you succeed at your current task."

Severus stared at the Dark Lord. It slowly dawned to him that apparently the Dark Lord thought his intentions for Lily were of the sordid kind; that he thought Severus perhaps wanted to do to her what Morland and Horton had intended to do. Severus was repulsed by the idea, and especially the allusion that this was something that the Dark Lord approved of, something which had actually happened with his knowledge and approval, and which he would allow to happen again. He forced himself to smile.

"Thank you, my Lord," he said. "I apologise for not being of more help to you. However, if I might -"

"Do not fear, Severus, you will have the time to participate in other missions," the Dark Lord said impatiently. "At least, should you not fail me."

Severus bowed, realising he was being dismissed.

"Now, bring Lucius to me," the Dark Lord said.

Severus nodded and backed away from the drawing room, his head spinning. How could Lily have let herself be seen that night? Why hadn't she told him somebody had seen her? And why, why hadn't he asked? And why had he even let her go back to that alley when she clearly hadn't been thinking straight? He cursed both himself and Lily; he should have kept his head together and not become like wax at her hands at the slightest suggestion that she had wanted to help him, that she maybe still had cared for his well-being... and now the Dark Lord was after her, thinking she was some powerful Dark witch! The idea would have been laughable had it not been so terrifying.

Severus didn't need to look far for Lucius, because he was waiting in the corridor near the doors, and Severus could guess that as opposed to Bellatrix Lestrange who usually lingered behind closed doors to eavesdrop and because she couldn't wait a second to see her precious master, Lucius had remained behind out of fear that the Dark Lord would be displeased if he was being kept waiting.

"He expects you," Severus said.

"Thank you, Severus," Lucius said as he hurried towards Severus, and before passing him, leaned closer to him to whisper. "Do stay for tea, will you? He will be gone soon."

"I will, thank you", Severus said, realising that the only person from whom he could fish out the information he needed was Lucius.

Lucius didn't remain in the room with the Dark Lord for long. After barely five minutes, he swept out of the room – which Severus now saw was empty – looking tremendously relieved.

"Ah, excellent, you're still here," Lucius said as he saw Severus loitering in the corridor near the place where he himself had waited not too long ago. "Forgive my earlier lack of manners, old friend. The sudden appearance of our master is always somewhat disorientating."

He now came to shake Severus's hand, then wrapped an arm around his shoulder as he led him towards the dining room, passing by a house elf who was wearing a dirty pillowcase and dusting an expensive-looking vase.

"Dobby – bring us tea, to the blue parlour. For two. I'm afraid my wife isn't here", Lucius said to Severus as the house elf scuttled away. "She had to, uh, run some errands. You know how it is, with such a large estate as ours."

"Of course," Severus said, glancing at the house elf and thinking it very unlikely Narcissa Malfoy ever ran any errands for their extensive estate. Most likely she had simply fled the manor after the Dark Lord's sudden appearance.

Lucius led them to a blue-hued parlour dominated by a table with six chairs by the window, a china cabinet displaying an extensive old collection of cups and vases, and a blue silk-covered divan by the fireplace; there was a large yellow rug with golden embroidery under it, and the contrast of blue and yellow made the room look perkier than any other room Severus had so far seen in the mansion.

"Narcissa redecorated the room," Lucius said, perhaps noticing him eyeing around himself. "We had to move my great-aunt Marnella's portrait to the foyer, she didn't approve of the colour scheme - kept complaining that the brightness made her cataract worse." And he pointed at an empty wall where Severus could see the faded mark left behind by a removed painting.

The same house elf they had seen in the hallway entered, carrying a large tray which he set on the table.

"Dobby, after you've served the tea, go and set back the spells preventing Apparation and Disapparation in the drawing room," Lucius said as he took a seat and gestured at Severus to sit to the opposite side of the table. The elf bowed.

"So I heard you have an exciting mission ahead," Severus said as the elf poured tea into his cup, trying to sound like he wasn't too interested. Lucius had just taken a sip of his tea and set the cup on the saucer with a grimace.

"Indeed," he said, but didn't look too happy. "We're meant to bring that girl to him – that Mudblood, whom you used to spend time with when you first arrived to to Hogwarts, if I remember correctly. Though Merlin knows why he bothers himself with some young girl... it's something to do with the prisoner, that much I have gathered."

"Who is the prisoner?" Severus asked.

"I'm afraid I really have no clue... he was in Gryffindor, that I remember. Same year as you, I believe. But I can't for the life of me remember his name," Lucius said. "He was only brought here a little over an hour ago. Had the surprise of his life. He thought he'd get a large sack of gold, you see - not an audience with the Dark Lord. "

"Well... the Dark Lord told me he was of excellent use to him," Severus said.

"Indeed," Lucius said. "What a foolish idea of Dumbledore's, really, some sort of a pitiful resistance group... well, it has been in general knowledge for some time now that he has been losing his grip."

Severus sipped his tea in silence. He didn't quite know how to approach Lucius with what he desperately needed to know, not when the man quite obviously remembered his affiliation with Lily, and might become suspicious if he showed too much interest in the mission to capture her.

"Do tell me, how is your work at the Department of Mysteries?" Lucius asked him before he had the time to make up his mind.

"It's... good," Severus lied. "I can't really tell much about it. You understand, surely."

Lucius waved his hand graciously, and Severus could see by the look on his face that he had noticed the slight pause.

"I am familiar with the Department's codes of conduct. And it doesn't take much imagination to know why you have been sent there."

"It doesn't?" Severus asked, unable to stop himself from becoming interested.

"There is only one chamber in the Department of Mysteries that I can imagine is of interest to the Dark Lord," Lucius said. "When you have the, ah, privilege to spend as much time with him as I have, it becomes rather obvious what interests him especially."

"I'm afraid I haven't been granted that privilege as of yet," Severus said and sipped his tea. "What he wishes me to discover is as much of a mystery to me as is the subject of my studies, if I'm being entirely honest with you."

Lucius set his cup on the saucer. He briefly glanced around himself as though he was afraid he would find the Dark Lord hiding behind the china cabinet, then leaned conspiratorially towards Severus, who instinctively mimicked him. Lucius lowered his voice.

"A few weeks ago a new recruit came through here to the Lestrange mansion. He had had a very interesting chat with the Dark Lord, very interesting indeed."

Lucius paused, as though wanting to prolong the excitement. Severus leaned even closer, eager to hear what he had to say. Had he leaned any closer, their heads would have bumped against each other.

"It is well known among us whose fathers have been supporting him since the start, that he seeks to prolong his life. It is rumoured -" Lucius lowered his voice to a bare whisper "- that he has dabbled with very old, very dangerous Dark Magic in order to succeed at his endeavours. You must have wondered why he looks the way he does? According to my late father, he looked nothing like it when they went to school together. Now, you remember young Regulus Black surely - one year below you at Hogwarts? He remembered you, at least."

"I do," Severus said, conjuring up a fuzzy memory of a shy, tall, dark-haired boy who often sat alone in the common room, and wondered what he had to do with the Dark Lord's endeavours.

"He's the new recruit," Lucius continued in a low voice. "So, he went to the Lestrange mansion through here to get his Mark, and upon his return he stayed for tea and told me that the Dark Lord had -"

He was interrupted by the door of the parlour opening. Both Lucius and Severus jumped a little. Lucius promptly leaned backwards in his chair, and Severus reluctantly did the same, silently cursing the bad timing. The house elf who had served the tea was holding the parlour door open, and two well-dressed women stepped in. Both Lucius and Severus stood up.

"Is he here?" Bellatrix Lestrange demanded immediately. It was the first time Severus had seen her next to her sister, and thought she looked twice as unpleasant for it; as dark as her sister was blonde, and as a contrast she was wearing black while her sister was wearing light blue robes which flattered her eyes and skin and seamlessly blended into the blue colours of the room. Nevertheless, Severus had to admit that now that he had the chance to compare their looks in person, the resemblance between them was even greater. And had Sirius Black stood next to them, he could have passed for their younger brother.

"I'm afraid he's left," Lucius said while Narcissa came to greet Severus; he kissed her proffered hand and then she went around the table to sit next to her husband. The men sat back down. "He did not, uh, wish to stay for tea."

"Very well. I shall meet him at home, then. I only came to check the prisoner anyway," Bellatrix said impatiently and sat down on a chair next to her sister as though she hadn't even seen Severus (this suited him just fine as he was in no mood for her jabbing). "Dobby, bring us more tea."

Severus took a sip of his tea and wondered about whatever it was that Lucius had been about to say. So the Dark Lord wanted to prolong his life... and had told something to Regulus Black. What could it be? Then he suddenly remembered Lily and felt very guilty for having forgotten the danger she was in. He quickly made a note of everything Lucius had said to him about Regulus, deciding to ponder about what it all meant later; for now, there were more urgent things to worry about. How could he find out what the Dark Lord's plan was for Lily? He couldn't just ask, especially not now that Bellatrix had showed up.

Glancing at Lucius's blue eyes he wondered whether the man had had training in Occlumency. Deciding to risk it, he very carefully jabbed at his mental barriers, and then sneakily slipped inside. Lucius didn't seem to notice anything, as he eyed Severus in benevolent silence while Narcissa was busy telling Bellatrix about the shop she had bought the yellow rug from (Bellatrix looked positively bored).

Lucius was thinking of Severus, too - Severus gathered from his topmost emotions that Lucius was worried that his own reputation might become tarnished in the eyes of the Dark Lord if Severus should fail in his task, as it had been he who had recommended Severus to the Dark Lord. Trying to avoid triggering any emotions that might alert Lucius of his presence, Severus slipped deeper.

The Dark Lord's gruesome, corpse-like face and red eyes appeared in a memory, his thin lips moving as he gave Lucius directions regarding Lily's abduction.

Severus set down his half-finished cup and got up.

"I'm afraid I must take my leave already, Lucius, Narcissa – Bellatrix," he said hastily. Narcissa cocked her eyebrow, Bellatrix glared at him nastily, and Lucius looked at him with a confused look on his face; he had spilled his own tea into his lap at Severus's sudden movement. "Forgive my abrupt departure, but I have just realised that I should be back at work, it's only a little past midday. Work completely slipped my mind after my meeting with the Dark Lord."

Bellatrix made a scornful noise in her throat. Severus paid her no attention.

"Very understandable," Lucius said, wiped the front of his robes with a napkin and rose to shake Severus's hand. "I'd be delighted to host you better some other time."

"You must come for supper one of these evenings," Narcissa said. "We shall send you an invitation."

"I look forward to it. Good luck with... everything," Severus said (realising that it was best not to let Bellatrix know he was even aware of Lucius's mission) and, with a slight bow, left the blue parlour, passing the house elf carrying tea on a large tray on his way. He had barely gotten out of the manor's front door when he Disapparated.

Despite what he had claimed, he didn't go to work, Apparating instead directly to St. Mungo 's backyard. Lily had mentioned she was working at the Injuries Ward, so after scanning the shiny placards of the arrivals hall, he made his way along a long corridor until he came to bronze-coloured lifts which took him to second floor. He couldn't help but to nervously smooth his hair, which hung straight around his face as always, as he eyed his reflection in the shiny surface of the lift's doors. Then he straightened his back. If he could choose, he wouldn't have showed up to her work place out of the blue like this, but he had to stop her from going back home today after work. The lift dinged softly as he arrived to the Injuries Ward.

The first sight that greeted him was a bleeding old wizard lying on stretchers, who was crying out in pain as two healers tried to stifle the bleeding on his leg, which was missing a large chunk, and a third healer was pouring potion down his throat. None of the healers was Lily, and Severus went around the stretchers, craning his neck for any sight of her familiar head of red hair. The atmosphere at the Injuries Ward was hectic; green-clad healers were running around, carrying flasks and blankets and bloodied gauzes, harassed looks on their faces, and everywhere he looked, there was someone crying or bleeding. The Ward seemed to be full, as some patients were lying on temporary-looking beds in the corridors; one old witch was lying three feet in the air without any sort of a bed or stretchers under her. But Lily was nowhere to be seen.

"Excuse me," Severus said, grabbing a healer by her sleeve as she ran past him. He quickly let go and took a step back when he realised the witch was holding a bedpan. He tried to keep his eyes away from its floating contents as he addressed the healer. "Do you know Lily Evans? Is she here?"

"Lily who?" The witch barked impatiently. "Ask the reception if you don't know the number of the room!"

"She's not -" Severus started, but then had to jump out of the way as the witch hustled past him, the contents of the bedpan disgustingly splashing against its sides. He turned on his heels and stopped another healer.

"Excuse me, do you know Lily Evans? She works here." He asked the young man, who was luckily carrying nothing more disgusting than a bag that seemed to be full of laundry.

"Lily... uh, red hair?" the man asked absent-mindedly. Severus nodded. "Yeah, mate, sorry but she's not in today. She's not working here every day. I can take a message if you like?"

"No," Severus said, his mood sinking. "It's all right."

"Yeah, best not, probably would've forgotten to give it to her anyway. It's a right circus here today, typical Friday," the man said and shrugged, swinging the bag of laundry over his shoulder. "But hey – try the Elderly Ward. Fourth floor. She works there sometimes."

Severus thanked the man and went back to the lifts, impatiently banging the lift's button and waiting for it to come back from the first floor. He felt even more nervous now, and wondered how Lily would react to seeing him. Would she give him the cold shoulder again, just as she had at school? He's have to drag her away with him by force if that's what it took.

The Elderly Ward was a stark contrast to the hectic Injuries Ward. Despite having a similar layout as the Injuries Ward, it looked twice as large because the corridors were mostly empty. The floor was very quiet. Just a few mellow-looking healers were pushing elderly witches and wizards around in wheelchairs, and a couple of seniors were lounging by the window in one of the first rooms where Severus peeked in to, playing wizard chess. One old witch was wandering around the corridor, wearing furry slippers and a bedsheet attached to her thin curls like a bridal veil.

"Has Thomas sent you for me?" She asked Severus as he passed her. She had wide, owl-like eyes.

"Uh, no," Severus said.

"Oh, that's a shame. He was supposed to send for me," the woman said and looked so crestfallen that Severus almost felt bad for her for one odd moment. Then he just nodded and left the woman wandering along the corridor.

"Excuse me," he said as he reached one of the healers pushing a man in a wheelchair along the corridor. "Is Lily Evans working here today?"

"Lily?" the woman asked, a surprised look on her round face. "I haven't seen her... who's asking, anyway? _Ooh!_ You're not James Potter, by any chance?"

"I'm not," Severus said icily and turned away from the woman and her patient. He started making his way back to the lifts.

"Lily is not here," he suddenly heard a voice behind himself. Severus stopped and turned to see a small, bald man in a floating wheelchair; he had come through a door leading to one of the room on the sides of the corridor. He wheeled himself closer to Severus.

"She's not?"

"No," the man said, staring at Severus with his round, blue eyes. "You have just missed her."

"She's _just_ left?" Severus asked, silently cursing the bad timing for the second time that day.

"She has," the man said sadly. "She left to meet some man. She wouldn't even wash my hair."

"Right," Severus said and felt like kicking something. "Well... is she coming back?"

"Who knows, who knows..." the man bowed his head and sighed sadly."My wife never came back."

"Right," Severus said again, in a reserved tone.

"We were married for fifteen years," the man continued. "Then, one day... puff." He gestured with his hands. "Gone. Just a note on the table."

"...Right." Severus started slowly backing away towards the lifts. "Well, uh, thank you..."

"I think it's because I didn't remember to bring her flowers on our anniversary," the man yelled after him. "Or perhaps because I had another wife in Aberdeen. But I'm betting it was the flowers. So take heed, young man – always buy flowers!"

Severus slammed the lift doors closed behind himself. What a ghastly place to work, he thought with a shudder as he pressed the button, once again pitying Lily because Muggleborns had a much harder time to find employment even if they had good grades. The chamber of death in its bleak, stale emptiness suddenly felt like a luxurious place to work in comparison to this loony bin.

As Severus exited St. Mungo 's he realised that it couldn't be helped – he would have to go and try and snatch her from the Order of the Phoenix's meeting before the other Death Eaters found her. He supposed that if somebody recognised him he could always try and chalk up his unauthorised appearance to his youth, to his eagerness to prove himself to the Dark Lord... but he _would_ get her out of there, he swore to himself. Failure was not an option.

As Severus Disapparated back to the Ministry, he suddenly realised that also James Potter would most likely be present at the meeting. His heartbeat quickened as he briefly sunk into a fantasy featuring Potter's mangled, dead corpse, and he realised he probably wouldn't get another chance to act; not before the end of the year when his time would most likely run out.

James Potter... the bane of his existence. Severus had no doubt in his mind that Potter would be perfectly capable of killing _him_ if ever the opportunity arose, despite Lily's blue-eyed naivete and blind trust in her boyfriend's character. Potter was vicious. He was cruel, and he enjoyed hurting people, and especially he enjoyed hurting Severus. _I recommend you mind your own business in the future. If you know what's good for you,_ he had said that night, after smashing Severus's nose and ribs to shards, right before he had gone to his common room to kiss Lily.

Severus thought back on that cursed night when he had laid Disillusioned on the floor, unable to move and feeling like he would choke on his own blood, hate pulsating in every cell of his body. He might not have used the killing curse, but Potter hadn't cared whether he choked or not. He hadn't cared that day on the lake either when he had tried to choke Severus with the Scouring Charm before dangling him upside down in front of half the school.

It was a question of domination, really, Severus thought as he entered the Chamber of Death. Which one would ultimately triumph over the other in this game they had been playing ever since they had first laid eyes on each other?

Hadn't they always been coming here?


	22. End of games

Thanks for all the lovely reviews!

""

 _We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another_.

Veronica Roth

""

The healer who was working the night shift that evening arrived quarter to eight and told Lily she could leave a little early, apparently thinking she was doing Lily a favour. But Lily was so nervous about facing James that she lingered behind at work, trying to come up with just one more task she had to do before leaving, and then another. She absent-mindedly watered the plants on the ward's windowsills before the other healer had the time to point out that they weren't real and therefore didn't need taking care of, and took her time writing her report of the day in a much neater and curvier handwriting than usual, buying herself time. For once, she wished she could just take a bus or a subway to James's like a Muggle; the fact that a simple decision and mere seconds stood between her being at work and her being face to face with an ex-boyfriend was nerve-wrecking.

At five past eight, she was running out of menial tasks to do, and in her desperation offered even to take the bedpans downstairs to the house elves for scrubbing; then, finally, she resigned to go and get changed. After changing into her own robes in the locker room and having nervously checked her hair from a mirror, Lily went down to the reception, checked out of work and went to the line of fireplaces along the reception's wall, where visitors and personnel swooshed in and out of the hospital in flashes of emerald flames. Lily grabbed a handful of powder from the enormous bucket by the fireplace, threw it into the fire and, taking a deep breath, stepped in.

"Potter manor," she said. Just as the flames swallowed her and the flashes of sitting rooms, restaurants and parlours started playing in front of her eyes, a horrible idea came to her: what if, despite what Dumbledore had suggested, James _didn't_ want to see her? What if he had changed his mind and hadn't activated the manor's Floo network in time, and she would be left spinning in the network of wizarding households until nine when the Order meeting was due to begin and the network of the manor became activated? But before she could contemplate upon this worrisome notion any further, Lily found her feet land safely into a pile of ashes and half-burned logs at the Potter manor's upstairs drawing room fireplace. She glanced around the room and stepped out of the crackling fire. Behind her, the flames quickly re-assumed their golden glow. The room was quiet, and she was alone.

Lily pointed her wand at her shoes and removed the ash and soot off them, then sneaked to the door and peeked out, feeling like an intruder despite clearly having James's unspoken invitation to enter the house, as evidenced by her having made it to her destination without getting stuck inside his chimney.

The corridor was empty and dark. Lily noticed that the fireplaces in several other rooms she passed had a fire lit, probably so that when the Order members would start tumbling in, there wouldn't be too much traffic in any single fireplace. However, James was nowhere to be seen, nor did Lily see Sirius or Remus in any of the rooms. But as she peered over the upstairs railing and into the quiet downstairs foyer, she saw the dancing light cast by the grand sitting room's fireplace through the unclosed doors on her far left, and guessed that was where James was waiting for her. With a sigh, she started descending the winding staircase and went across the foyer to the ornamental twin doors, upon which she shyly knocked after a moment's hesitation. She could see a sliver of the fireplace through the crack between the doors.

"Yeah, come on in," she heard James's voice. Lily thought he sounded just as resigned as she felt. With clammy hands, she pushed the doors open and entered.

James was sitting in an armchair close to the fire. For a brief moment Lily was relieved to find him alone - then realised that she was actually _alone_ with him, and suddenly felt even more nervous than before. They had rarely been alone during their relationship except for the nights they had slept together, and she couldn't remember a time they had actually properly talked – not counting the night they had broken up. _Well, there's no time like now to start,_ she thought with resolution. James had a small pile of papers in his lap, which he had probably been studying, but as Lily had entered he had raised his head.

"Hello," Lily said shyly and didn't quite dare enter any further, remaining close to the doorway.

"Hi," James said. He looked polished, with a close shave, nice robes and sleeker than usual hair, and Lily wondered if he too had taken extra care dressing up that morning. But the look he gave her was weary, as though his exterior didn't quite reflect what was going on inside.

"Come in, then," he said and gestured Lily towards the other armchair by the fire, though perhaps looking just a little reluctant. Lily took the seat, eyeing around herself with unnecessary interest; the room was exactly the same as it had been a week ago, but she wanted to avoid his gaze. A portrait of a haughty old woman in a puffy-sleeved dress hung above the fireplace made a face at her.

"Thanks for having me here," Lily said, a little breathlessly. "That was very, uh, nice of you."

"Yeah, well." James said non-committally, and as Lily glanced at him she noticed he had turned his face back towards the papers in his lap, as though he wasn't really even interested in her presence.

They were silent for a while. Then, just as Lily was about to open her mouth, James sighed and raised his head.

"I got your letter," he said. "It was... well, I won't deny I hated you a little when I read it. But I appreciate you sending it anyway."

"Right," Lily said lamely. She was unsure if he had meant to sound offensive or appreciative.

"Did you really tell the truth?" James asked directly and squinted at her. "That you weren't fooling around?"

"Yeah," Lily said solemnly. "I wouldn't have done that to you."

James nodded slowly, then opened his mouth, then shut it again.

"Are you moving back in?" he finally asked, pursing his lips and glaring at her as though she had forced him to ask it. Lily stared at him. The look he gave her wasn't particularly inviting, but there was something resembling hope at the bottom of his eyes, and she didn't quite know what to make out of the confusing combination.

"No," Lily said gently. "I think it's best I don't."

James nodded, and looked like two emotions were warring inside him; he looked equally relieved and sad. Finally he leaned back in his chair and seemed to truly relax for the first time since Lily had entered. Lily bit her lip and was almost about to ask him if he had still hoped she would move back in, but decided not to at the last minute, since she wasn't sure if she even wanted to know the answer to that question.

"Listen, I have thought of what you said, uh, that night," James finally said. "About me not really giving you a chance to even get to know me. I think you were right."

"James, you don't have to -" Lily started, a little uncomfortable and confused by his sudden frankness, and also slightly worried the conversation might veer towards him asking for another go at their relationship despite her reluctance to move back in with him.

"I want to," James said and gave her another weary look, which silenced Lily. "The thing is, I did it on purpose. Well... not all of it. But..." he looked thoughtful for a while, absent-mindedly re-arranging the pile of papers in his lap. "I fancied you for years. Five years, to be exact. And you just stubbornly hated me, no matter what I did. So when I finally got a chance with you, I was so afraid you would get bored of me if I didn't keep up some sort of an act. I thought that if I could make you fall in love with me, then I could finally relax and we could be... but... well. You didn't, did you?"

He sounded quite bitter when he said it, not like his usual self at all. Lily sighed.

"James... I wasn't being fair to you the night I left," she said. "I shouldn't have tried to pin the failure of our relationship on you, because the truth is that it was me who was the biggest problem. I mean... you weren't perfect, of course. Giving me the potion and, uh, pressuring me to remain involved with you, that wasn't exactly ideal. But still, you deserve so much better than whatever it was that we had. So much better. And I'm not just saying it to make you feel better, I'm saying it because it's true. I was just trying to find fault in you to feel better about everything I did wrong myself."

James scratched the side of his nose. "Well... I was... I was quite selfish, I think." He sounded a little reluctant as he said it. "And I'm not exactly proud of some of the things I said and did. I'm sorry I called you a bitch. And about the... you know... the potion."

Lily gave him a tired smile. "It's okay."

"But the thing is..." James continued slowly. "We could have been happy, Lily. If only..."

Lily avoided his gaze, and he swallowed and again turned his face towards the papers.

"I'm not sure I really saw the real you either," he said to the papers. "When we were together, I mean. You were always so closed off... I never knew what was going on inside your head. One moment you seemed into me, and then you just withdrew... sometimes I actually thought you found me repulsive. And then you were acting sweet again and I thought I was just imagining it."

"I didn't find you repulsive," Lily said miserably, but James held up his hand.

"Anyway, I never knew what I was going to get," he continued, frowning as he let his gaze wander around the room, looking at anything but her. "Which Lily. The sweet and nice, or the cold and distant. It was quite scary, to be honest. I never knew what set you off. So I think that it was just easier to continue on painting this picture of you that I had in my head for five years. You know, the perfect, unapproachable Lily Evans..." he sighed. "I guess my fantasy was so vivid after all those years that I didn't know where that ended and you began. I would have wanted to know you, though. I really would've. And we could have been happy, if only one of us had had the courage to actually show what was going on below." He gave a short, sad laugh. "Some Gryffindors we are, huh?"

Lily couldn't laugh with him. She felt horrible, much worse than she would have if James had yelled at her. Somehow, in all the months they had been together, she hadn't even once come to think how James might have perceived her and their relationship. How he felt about her sudden mood swings and erratic behaviour. She thought back on those months and months they had spent together, and realised that all along, Severus had been looming there in the sidelines like some invisible third party to their relationship. In fact, Lily hadn't really properly even seen James through him. But James hadn't known of him, had he? He hadn't known of the abrupt moment of tenderness between them at Slughorn's party, or anything that had followed it. For James, there had been nothing but the relationship between himself and her, and the weird fluctuations in her feelings and behaviour, which he of course hadn't been able to understand because she had withheld so much from him.

Lily had blindly assumed that James was happy just to have her, or that he didn't care how she felt and behaved as long as he could call her his girlfriend, as though her physical presence had been all he cared about. But hearing that he had just tried to play time, to wait for her feelings to change so that he could finally dare to reveal himself to her was a new, and very sad, insight into their relationship. No wonder he hadn't been able to trust her enough to let her in; after all, she had never trusted him, had she? And it's not like she had ever made an effort to really push through his shell, either. But now that he looked at her with those sad, hazel – oh God, they were wet again – eyes, Lily felt like he really never had had a chance. Not because of him being someone she couldn't possibly love, but because she had been so wrapped up in another relationship which had been slowly unfolding in the sidelines.

"I'm sorry, James," she finally said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I came here knowing I've been really unfair to you, but I didn't understand just how unfair I've been to you until now. I'm sorry, I really am. I think... I was going through a really messy time of my life when we got involved. I still am, actually. I shouldn't have gotten involved with you when I was still lacking closure from other relationships."

"Is that the real problem?" James asked her, peering at her through those wet lashes again, and forcing Lily to turn her eyes away. "That you have feelings for somebody else?"

Lily was quiet for a long while. James was so perceptive sometimes; it was odd, since he gave such an impression of nonchalance and superficiality. She then thought of that weird energy between her and Severus that night when they had screamed at each other in his kitchen, and at the dreams she sometimes saw of him, and at the memory of his black eyes gazing at her when he was under her in that secluded nook at Slughorn's party.

"Maybe," Lily finally said reluctantly. "Or rather... I have _unresolved_ feelings for somebody. Yeah... that sounds about right..."

"Is it Grover?" James asked her, his lips a bitter line. "Because I cornered him in the locker rooms after the last Quidditch game of the season and he told me he still had feelings for you. Feelings which he promised me he wouldn't act on," he added, pursing his lips even tighter, and Lily couldn't help put wonder by what means James had managed to squeeze that promise out of him.

"It's not Grover," Lily said, slightly surprised to suddenly learn that Grover still even thought of her; it felt like their sixth grade fling had happened centuries ago. "You didn't beat him up or hex him or something, did you?"

James didn't say anything.

"You _did_ , didn't you," Lily said, her eyes widening.

She suddenly remembered how Severus had claimed that James had beaten him up that night after Slughorn's party. She hadn't believed him, but as she stared at the strange look on James's face, she suddenly didn't think it was entirely impossible he had told the truth after all.

"You can't go around doing stuff like that, James!"

"I've never liked him," James said defensively. "He's a decent Beater, I'll give him that, but that's all he's got going for him."

"Yeah, well, that's not an excuse to go around hexing or beating somebody up!" Lily said, shocked at his nonchalant attitude which seemed to suggest that to him beating somebody up was not a big deal at all. "What were you thinking, James?"

"That was so long ago - things have changed since than. And it's not like it was such a big deal anyway. He didn't go to the teachers or anything," James said and crossed his arms. "That's just the way it is. But you're a woman, that's why you don't understand it."

" _Excuse_ me?" Lily asked, her eyebrows high. "Understand what?"

"Blokes always fight and wrestle with one another," James said and shrugged. "It's like a...well, like a game, or a test, you know, a part of growing up into a man. It's just the way it is. Girls don't do it, so you don't understand it. But you can ask Sirius or Remus, they'll tell you. It's completely normal for boys. My father was teased at school a lot when he was young, you know? People thought his name was funny. He always said that it only built character - and his duelling skills, too."

"You're right, I don't understand it, and it's not because I've got the wrong bits in my trousers or whatnot!" Lily said. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, James! A _game_? I thought you had put all that behind you, all that bullying crap!"

James ran his hand through his hair, its unusual neatness immediately turning into familiar messiness. His expression changed and he had the decency to look a little embarrassed with himself.

"I have!" he said, sounding defensive again. "I mean, we're not in school any longer, are we? It's not like I go around hexing people _now_. And I nearly never did it on seventh year anyway. I knew you didn't understand it, so I tried to be better, I really did. For _you_."

"I'm not so sure the people you've bullied are living by those same weird unspoken rules you seem to be living by!" Lily said incredulously. "You can't seriously think that every bloke thinks the same way you do, especially those on the receiving end of your bullying? Because in case you've forgotten, I was friends with one of your victims for years and I can assure you that he didn't think your tussles were just innocent fun between two blokes!"

"Well, Snivellus always was a whiny little git," James muttered.

"Shut up!" Lily said, feeling her cheeks redden in anger. "Shut up about him! You don't even know him!"

"Well, neither do you any more," James said, and sounded almost amused. "What do you care? I happen to remember you've called him a disgusting, blood-supremacist git yourself once upon a time. It was the highlight of my year."

"Well, that's because..." Lily tried to find the words, then straightened herself with dignity. "That was a long, long time ago, when I was mad at him. But I've grown up since then. And so should _you_. And I think you should apologise to Grover and... and... everyone else you've bullied."

James snorted. But then his expression turned a little contemplative and withdrawn. He didn't say anything in a long while.

"So what made Grover such a special case, then?" Lily finally asked. "Why him – if you really tried to stop?" _Or Severus?_ Lily thought, but didn't ask.

"I guess I was just jealous," James said and scratched the side of his nose again. "I saw the way he looked at you in the Great Hall. You don't just go around looking at other people's girlfriends like that, you know, you just don't. It didn't take much deducing to realise he was still into you. So to go back to our earlier conversation... who was it then, if not Grover?"

"Why, surely you should be able to deduce it with your brilliant detective skills, Mr. Holmes?" Lily asked sourly. "Or didn't our stealthy gazes in the Great Hall alert you this time?"

But James's words suddenly made a lot of sense. All those years he had bullied Severus... had he been jealous of him, too? Lily tried to imagine Severus's face if she told him that James Potter had quite possibly been jealous of him, but then remembered that it's not like they were best mates any more. She could hardly scribble him a letter just to tell him _that._

"Never mind, then, if it's such a big deal," James muttered. "I would have liked to know to whom I lost though."

"You didn't _lose_ to anyone, you plonker, I'm not a bloody Quidditch trophy. And it doesn't matter who it was," Lily said. "Okay? It wasn't really a romantic relationship. Just... old, unresolved stuff. Even so, I can now tell that I wasn't nowhere near ready to get into a relationship with you, or with anyone else for that matter." Lily sighed, thinking back on the last months and on that guilty, shameful nagging feeling, which she had stubbornly ignored. "Back then it didn't feel like such a big deal to start dating you without really having feelings for you. You know, it's not like I had any for Grover either when we were together – on our sixth year it just seemed like all girls suddenly had a boyfriend, and I was feeling lonely... so I figured that hey, if everyone else has a boyfriend, maybe I should give it a try, too, right? So getting together with you... I didn't think it was a bigger deal than that. It never crossed my mind how difficult things can get when there's actual feelings involved, even if they're not _my_ feelings. I didn't think it was serious, but more like... like... I don't know. Like we were playing house, or something. Like we could quit at any time we got bored, without repercussions."

James stared at her.

"Playing house?" he said, incredulously. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Relationships are hard work, Lily," he continued in a reproaching tone. "My parents were married for over fifty years. You can't take relationships lightly – you need to be ready to put your everything into it. It's not a game you can play and then quit when you get bored or want to go and play something else."

Lily hung her head in shame, only now realising how childish her confession had sounded.

"I'm sorry," she said miserably. "I guess I really am crap at this relationship thing, aren't I? I wish I could give all these months back to you, so you wouldn't have to waste them all on me."

"Well, _I_ don't," James said. "And I don't need your apologies, either." He suddenly straightened in his armchair, and Lily thought he looked like a lord or someone equally noble and proud, all his earlier vulnerability gone. "My father always said that even the miserable times in our lives are put forth so that we can learn something from them. So – what would I ever learn if you just went and undid everything?"

It was Lily's turn to stare. "What on Earth have you learned from all this, then?"

"I don't know," the proud curve of James's shoulders slumped a little. "Maybe that it's better to just face the reality, even if it's unpleasant, than choose to continue living in delusions and fantasies?" he added as an afterthought.

Lily gave him a weary smile. "Yeah. I guess it is. "

For a moment, they sat there, eyeing each other in silent harmony. Lily opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it again when she realised that she had said everything she had wanted to say to him, and to add any more would be unnecessary. She felt unexpected relief spreading through her. In some way, it felt like they had only now truly broken up. But as opposed to a week ago, when she had torn herself away from him the way one might violently tear a plant with its roots out of soil, the separation didn't hurt this time; she just felt like a baggage had been lifted off her shoulders. The silence which had fallen into the room was perfectly comfortable, and Lily realised she felt completely in tune with James for the first time ever. She knew he didn't want to discuss their failed relationship any further; James was the sort of a person who looked ahead, not behind himself. She felt no need to look back either.

"Where are you staying now?" James finally asked her in a very practical sort of tone. "You do have a place to stay, right? If you don't -"

"At my parents's," Lily said quickly, before James again had the time to suggest she move back in or something like that. "I'm fine, don't worry about me."

James nodded, looking a little relieved.

"I've been looking at these papers you found from my father's study. Of the houses my father owned," James said, turning his face towards the papers in his lap. Lily now noticed that the topmost paper was an expired lease agreement of a house in Cornwall. "Thought you might want to stay in one of them for a while if you don't have elsewhere to stay. And anyway, it's time I did something... now that the weather's been so bad, there's not much else to do around here besides ransack the drawers. I'm thinking of renting out the houses in the spring, actually. At least some of them seem to be in okay condition. Maybe Remus can move into one of them, it's quite secluded and safe for his transformations... and Peter's mum is sick and she has to sell their house, so maybe I'll offer one of these to her use... and Sirius and I have been thinking of moving somewhere smaller."

"That sounds nice," Lily said. "It's good that you're going through the papers. Doing something else besides cause mayhem in the house." She smiled tentatively, and James answered the smile with one of his lopsided ones.

"You left some stuff of yours here," he said. "I meant to send them to you by post, but now that you're here..."

"What stuff?" Lily frowned, thinking back on the contents of her trunk back at her parents's flat. "I think I got everything..."

"The bracelet and some other jewellery I got you," James said, sounding a little awkward. "And some, uh, clothes."

Lily flushed, suddenly realising James was referring to the presents he had gotten her during their relationship, among which there had been some jewelry, a hat and – Lily flushed harder – some lingerie. She had left them behind purposefully, not having felt it right to take anything like that with her, not after the way they had broken up. Suddenly the idea of James ever even having given her something as intimate as lingerie felt horribly awkward.

"It's, uh, okay," she said quickly. "You can do whatever you want with them. I don't need them."

James's face fell. "What in Merlin's name would I do with them? Wear them myself? Sorry, but they're not exactly my style. And I don't think any subsequent girlfriends are going to want your old knickers."

"Err... probably not," Lily agreed. "Okay, then. Thanks."

James got up and pushed the small pile of papers under his robes. "I'll go get them. I packed most of the stuff already, it's just the necklace I haven't found. If anyone from the Order arrives, tell them I'll be right back. And tell them also that I got an owl from Dumbledore, and he's still at the Ministry, but Mad-Eye should be able to fill in for him in case he's late..."

He disappeared through the twin doors and Lily heard his retreating steps go up the stairs. There was a small, golden clock on the mantelpiece; it was twenty to nine. The Order would arrive soon. Lily felt relieved at not having to be alone with James for much longer, since as relieving as it had been to get some closure, it would probably take time for them to learn how to act around each other now that they were no longer dating.

As Lily looked around herself in the grand sitting room and tried to avoid the blaming gaze of the portrait above the fireplace, she wondered how strange it was that she now found everything rather cosy, despite never having felt quite at home there while she had lived at the manor. They had spent so many evenings here in the sitting room. James and Sirius playing chess by the fire and throwing dungbombs into the fireplace; Lily reading through the Daily Prophet's stock section and scolding them when the unpleasant scent of manure started drifting from the fire and into the room; Remus reading some book or another in the corner, coughing into his scarves and shaking his head at James and Sirius. Now that that part of her life had turned into past, she found herself a little wistful.

" _Lily!"_ She heard James calling for her. Lily went to the twin doors and peeked into the foyer, confused when she didn't see James. Then she realised he was upstairs, leaning over the railing, a brown paper bag in his hand.

"I can't find the necklace in your room, but I think it might be in mine. You were wearing it when..." he didn't finish the sentence, but Lily knew he was thinking of the last evening when they had been intimate, three weeks ago, when Lily had slept in James's room. She tried to push the memory away.

"Anyway – catch!" James said and raised the brown paper bag he was holding. Lily went closer and James chucked the bag over the railing, where it fell into Lily's hands. Then he disappeared further down the hall, towards his room.

Lily returned to the sitting room, and peeked inside the paper bag. The golden bracelet laid on top of some clothes (among them, the several pieces of lingerie), and she was embarrassed to notice James had also packed the contraceptive potion Lily had prepared and drank all throughout spring and summer. James had never asked her anything regarding contraception while they had been together, and she had assumed he had simply preferred to remain blissfully oblivious to whatever mysterious magic women employed to remain childless, but apparently he had at least known where she kept the flask (in a cupboard in the bathroom). As she further rummaged around the bag, she also noticed a box of tampons neatly wrapped inside a silk scarf. She groaned and quickly shut the bag, deciding not to dwell on James packing all that any further than was necessary.

Lily reduced the bag's size by magical means and pushed it inside her robes with Severus's similarly shrunk cloak. She heard steps from behind the door and assumed James was returning, and tried to banish the uninvited blush from her cheeks and chest. But then, she heard the voice of belonging to another man and whirled around.

"You!" Sirius Black said. He was standing in the doorway like a handsome portrait in its frames. A portrait with a particularly loathing look on his face.

"You have a lot of guts, showing your face here!" Sirius spat, his face distorted into a sour grimace which suggested he would have rather found You-Know-Who himself from the sitting room than Lily. He strode into the room. "Did you not get my letter? I thought I made it loud and clear that you're not welcome!"

Lily mirrored his frown. "Yeah – I got the howler. But It's none of _your_ business to dictate if I come here or not. It's between me and James."

"If you think you can just butt your way back to live with us -" Sirius started hotly.

"That's not why I'm here!" Lily said and crossed her arms. "I just came to talk to him, to tell him -"

"About you being a cheating slag?" Sirius asked scornfully, his eyes flashing darkly. "To imagine, that while us four were looking for you all over London and James was worried sick thinking something had happened to you, you were just somewhere frolicking around like a tart -"

"I did not cheat on James," Lily said defensively, liking Sirius less by the minute. "Why do _you_ care so much anyway?" She said and straightened her back proudly. She eyed him scornfully. "You in love with James or something?"

"James is like a brother to me!" Sirius said angrily, red spots appearing on his cheeks. "He's like my brother and I'm just trying to look out for him when people are trying to hurt him - people like you!"

"I'm not trying to hurt him!" Lily said in indignation, lifting her chin even higher. "And I think he can look after himself perfectly well!"

"James is -" Sirius started, but then paused mid-sentence, and for a brief moment Lily smirked in triumph, thinking he was lost for words.

But somewhere upstairs, the sound of large, chiming bells was ringing. They sounded like servant bells, Lily thought dumbly. Sirius's mouth was hanging open and his eyes had widened. And then Lily remembered that here, all James had to do was call a house elf... and the sounds of distant banging joined the chiming of the bells...

"Death Eaters!" Sirius breathed, his face pale now.

"Are you joking?" Lily asked, her heart jumping in her chest. "What do you mean -"

But the sound of James's panicked shout pierced the air from somewhere upstairs and she forgot what she was about to ask.

" _It's them - Death Eaters! Two – no, three!"_ There was a scream, then more banging.

"James!" Lily breathed in horror, feeling her legs go wobbly underneath her as she realised it wasn't some sick joke. "He's upstairs!"

Sirius seemed frozen in place, his face still very pale, and his mouth still hanging slightly open. Lily knew he was thinking the same thing as she was; should they go upstairs to face the Death Eaters and help James, or should they hide now that they still had the chance?

" _Stupefy!"_ An unknown female voice shrieked from somewhere upstairs. Then she shrieked again, in apparent rage, and Lily guessed she hadn't hit her target.

" _There's more of them coming!"_ Lily heard James scream somewhere far away. _"Run! Run!"_

Before they had had the time to as much as move, a sudden ear-deafening bang pierced the air, and Lily and Sirius floundered backwards, turning towards the twin doors leading to the foyer just in time to see the glass coffin in which the mummified remains of James's great grandfather Ralston laid parachuting through the air, crashing through the upstairs railing and taking the chandelier with it, until it crashed to the marble floor of the foyer.

Before the dust had settled around it, the fire at the sitting room fireplace behind them had abruptly flashed emerald. Sirius grasped Lily by the wrist, and started roughly dragging her towards twin doors on the other side of the sitting room, which led to a corridor. Lily saw the black-clad form of a Death Eater spinning in the fire as they ran past the fireplace. Sirius waited until Lily was inside the corridor, then slammed the door closed behind her; Lily eyed around herself wildly. There were three doors in the corridor apart from the one where they had just come from - leading to James's father's old study, to a bathroom, and to a library.

" _I saw someone go through that door there!"_ Lily heard the voice of some male Death Eater, probably the one who had come through the sitting room fireplace. Quick steps were approaching the doors behind them. Lily's heart was pounding wildly, and she was just about to run to the nearest door, which led to James's father's old study, when Sirius again roughly pulled her behind himself and dragged her along the corridor to the library door which was the door furthest away from the sitting room. He hurled Lily inside the dark, windowless library, then silently shut the door behind themselves. A second later, they heard a loud bang as the door between the corridor and the sitting room was slammed open.

" _I swear I saw somebody go through here!"_ The voice of a male Death Eater said.

" _I'll deal with it. Go check upstairs. There might be two others,"_ a husky female voice ordered.

"Get behind the bookcases!" Sirius hissed silently and pushed Lily towards the direction of the bookcases, now invisible in the darkness. Lily heard rustling as he pulled his wand out. Lily ran blindly and tripped between the rows and rows of high bookcases. The room was windowless and jet back, and Lily groped her way along the wooden shelves until she came to the furthest corner of the room. She heard Sirius following her, and so she grabbed his hand and pulled him down with her on the floor. Lily crouched against the bookcase, let go of his hand and pulled her own wand out, trying to hear what was happening in the corridor. She heard distant steps, and a door being slammed open again; the Death Eater or Death Eaters who had come after them were probably now inside James's father's study.

"How did they know to come here?" Sirius whispered very quietly, and Lily felt him turn towards her in the darkness. "How did they know the Floo network was going to be open at this time?"

"I don't know," Lily whispered back, her heart beating vigorously in her chest. "They must have somehow found out about the Order. Maybe they just got lucky with the timing..."

Sirius didn't say anything. Lily leaned her head against the bookshelf next to her and tried to calm herself. The sounds of the alarm bells died down abruptly, leaving behind an ominous silence only pierced by the sounds of occasional bangs and hexes.

"We should have gone to the study, not here," Sirius whispered. "I panicked, I wasn't thinking..."

"I wasn't either. At least you did _something,_ " Lily said and swallowed. She suddenly realised that they were trapped inside the library, unable to Disapparate inside the manor and unable to escape through a window. They were just waiting for the library door to open, for whomever it was that was looking for them to find them... she heard Sirius breathe heavily next to her; his arm was pressed against hers and she could feel her sleeve turn damp from their combined sweating. The air of the library was dusty, and Lily fought against the need to sneeze.

Lily heard a lot of distant bangs and crashing sounds, which sounded like they were no longer coming from upstairs. She wondered what had happened to James. It must be nine o'clock already, she thought, when she heard a shriek that sounded surprised from somewhere far away. Had the rest of the Order started arriving? Oh, if only Dumbledore would come! If only he would come and send the Death Eaters scurrying away...

The door of the library opened, its hinges croaking ominously. The sounds from the other rooms became louder for a moment, until the door closed after whomever it was who had entered. Sirius reflexively clamped his hand on Lily's mouth, though it didn't even cross Lily's mind to as much as whimper. She barely even dared to breathe. For a moment it was completely silent, and Lily wasn't even certain the person who had opened the door had entered. All she could hear was the thumping of her heart in her chest.

" _Lumos Maxima,"_ a woman said in the darkness.

A bright pale light rose to the ceiling and illuminated the room, the eerie shadows of the bookcases surrounding Lily and Sirius. His eyes flickered to hers. Lily saw fear at the bottom of them. His hand was trembling against Lily's mouth.

"I know you're in here," the woman said softly. Her steps were soft against the carpeted floor as she moved inside the library, stopping after every bookcase, looking at the shadowy corners. She was tiptoeing, walking in uneven steps, as though she was dancing or skipping lightly.

Sirius's eyes were wider than ever when they again flickered to meet Lily's, and he looked frightened, more frightened than Lily had ever seen him. He was still grasping his wand in his hand, and his other hand was clammy and cold against Lily's mouth, but she didn't dare to move it, afraid to make any noise that would alert the woman searching for them. Lily felt her own fingers slip against the wooden surface of her wand, and her heart beat quicker than ever in her chest. _If only Dumbledore would come... please, let him come..._

The woman's muffled, light steps moved closer and closer as she moved between the rows of shelves. She didn't seem to be in a hurry.

"Playing hide and seek?" She asked in a sing-song voice. It sounded like she was close, just a few rows away. "I will find you! I'm so _good_ at this game!" And she gave a short, high-pitched laugh, and it sounded like she had taken an enormous leap. Then she stopped for a moment, before starting tiptoeing again.

Lily tried to see through the books, but the large leather-bound volumes were so large that she couldn't see over them. Sweat was trickling down her forehead, her legs were numb under her, and Sirius's hand felt almost suffocating against her mouth, but she still just couldn't move. They were both shaking. Perhaps she should just jump out and try to Stun the woman, Lily thought wildly. Perhaps she would manage to surprise her. But she just couldn't move; she was frozen with fear.

And the woman's dancing steps just came closer and closer, and any moment now, she would turn between the last rows of bookcases and see her and Sirius crouched in the corner... and then they would both be dead...

"Come out..." the woman hummed, just one row of bookcases away. "Come out and we'll play..."

The steps just came closer... Lily turned her head fractionally and met Sirius's eyes. He stared at her, his handsome face pale and expressionless.

Then, very slowly, Sirius let his clammy hand fall from her lips and brought his shaking finger to his own lips, silently telling her to be quiet. He turned his wand fractionally so that it was pointing at Lily. His dark eyes were deep and unreadable.

" _Abeo,"_ he mouthed soundlessly, and Lily saw her own hand holding the wand dissolve into the shadows, turning invisible to the naked eye. She turned her eyes towards Sirius, silently asking him what he was doing before realising that he could no longer see her. Something gleamed in the depths of his eyes.

And suddenly Lily understood what he was intending to do, and she grabbed his arm -

Sirius pushed her hand away and scrambled up from the floor, his eyed wild in the flickering light and his wand hand extended. He was already aiming when he turned between the bookcases.

" _Stupef -"_ he roared, raising the wand above his head.

" _Avada Kedavra!"_ The woman shrieked, her high-pitched shout piercing the air of the library.

Something swished through the air. Sirius's wand slipped through his extended fingers and clattered on the floor, rolling somewhere beyond the bookcases.

For a heartbeat Sirius swayed, and then he started falling, his black hair fluttering over his face. He hit the bookcase in the corner behind him, and the enormous opuses fell from their shelves, hitting him on their way down, showering him in rustling pages and heavy leather bindings. His head was tilted on its side as he remained unmoving at the foot of the bookcase. Lily stared, feeling like her own heart had stopped.

"Ah, cousin," Lily heard the woman say, and her voice was low and husky again. She stepped into Lily's line of sight; a tall, wild-haired and pale woman, and examined Sirius over her nose with her hooded eyes. She wasn't wearing Death Eater robes, nor a mask. "A disappointment, as always."

Then she turned her eyes towards the shadowy corner where Lily remained huddled against the bookcase, but Lily didn't even comprehend the potential danger, she felt no fear – she just stared at a thin trickle of blood running over Sirius's chin, where one sharp-cornered book had hit him before landing on his chest. His eyes were still open.

Then the woman lowered her wand in disappointment, and turned away. Lily heard her retreating steps against the carpet and then a clattering rolling sound when she kicked Sirius's wand out of her way. The sound made Lily jerk. Her pulse pounded in her ears like a raging flood knocking against a dam, as she scrambled up from the corner where she had cowered like a frightened little child, and she raised her wand as she saw the woman's retreating back. The woman turned, perhaps hearing her footsteps, and she frowned as she tried to find the source of the noise, seeing nothing but shadows and Sirius's limp form on the floor.

" _Stupefy!"_ Lily cried and pointed her invisible wand at the woman. The woman's eyes rolled back in her head and her knees gave out from under her. She hit her head against the side of a bookcase as she fell, and her wand clattered on the floor next to her. She no longer moved.

Lily turned back to Sirius and rushed to his side. Even though she already knew there was nothing she could do, she still grasped him by the arms and shook his limp form, willing him to move. He looked like a human-sized, limp rag doll.

"Come back," she pleaded stupidly, her voice sounding like it was coming from somewhere far away. "Come _back_!"

But he didn't. As Lily shook him, his head just lolled from side to side, and his lips opened slightly, a trail of spit falling between them and trickling down his chin. Lily wiped it away with her shaking hand. Sirius's eyes were blank and expressionless, devoid of all their natural passion. She couldn't stand to look at their emptiness, and so she raised her hand again and closed them gently. His skin was still warm, as though he were alive. She wiped the trail of blood away from his chin.

"Why did you do it?" Lily croaked, feeling like the lump in her throat might choke her. "You don't even like me!"

But Sirius remained unmoving against the bookcase, his face smooth and calm and handsome, all his secrets eternally buried inside him.

As Lily looked around herself, she spotted Sirius's wand underneath a bookcase where the woman had kicked it, and she crouched to pull it out. With shaking fingers, she pressed the wand into his right hand, closing his limp fingers around them. Then she gently laid his hand in his lap. Now he looked peaceful, like he was just asleep, asleep in some horrible, unnatural way, half-buried under the piles of books.

There were more shouts and a loud crash from somewhere far away.

" _Expelliarmus, you bastard!"_ Lily heard the loud yell of Mad-Eye Moody, and realised that the rest of the Order had finally arrived. But what had happened to James? He had been upstairs when the Death Eaters had arrived. He wasn't – he couldn't be... not him, too -

Lily scrambled up and away from Sirius, stepping over his murderer's stunned form and kicking her in the ribs on her way. The Aurors would deal with the woman later, and Lily didn't care even if they killed her. She hoped they would. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and her heart ached dully as she rushed to the door.

The corridor was empty, but the door leading to the sitting room was ajar. There were flashing lights and shrieks on the other side of it, and the sounds of hexing and things falling and crashing coming in from the sitting room and beyond. Lily kept her wand out and rushed towards the door. But before she reached it, she ran into something invisible and solid, and couldn't help the frightened shriek that escaped her as she jumped back.

"Who is it?" She heard a familiar voice. "Lily? Is that you? _Finite incantatem!_ "

Lily knew she had become visible. And then she saw the air ripple strangely in front of her, before James appeared to her view from under his invisibility cloak, looking unharmed but pale-faced. He had his wand out. A relieved expression spread on his features as he saw Lily.

"You're alive." Lily breathed. She flung her arms around him and pressed her face against his neck. "Oh, James..."

"Thank Merlin's saggy old sideburns I found you. It's a mess out there," James said, trying to gently detach himself from Lily's arms, but she held on to him for dear life. "I was trapped inside my bedroom for some time, but then I remembered my cloak. Managed to sneak out while they rushed in, cursing everything in their way. I think they were looking for _you_. There's at least six, maybe seven Death Eaters. I figured you probably came here. We've got to go. Where's Sirius?"

"Sirius..." Lily cried against his collar, not registering another word of what he had said. "He's dead, James. Sirius is dead."

James stiffened against her.

"What are you saying?" he said, and sounded almost angry.

"He's dead, James. There was some woman... I don't know who she was," Lily said, wiping her eyes and letting go of James. "I stunned her, she's in the library. We were trapped there, me and Sirius. She came in, and she knew somebody was there. And he just..."

But Lily couldn't go on.

James stared at her, his face even paler than before, his eyes serious. Then he rushed past Lily, leaving her standing alone in the corridor. She clutched at herself and stared after him. The door of the library closed behind him, but Lily still heard his anguished howl as he discovered Sirius, and it rang even over all the sounds of the hexes and curses and crashing sounds. The sound of his anguish triggered another bout of tears from Lily, and she stood in the corridor and waited for him to come back, hugging herself and crying.

She didn't sacrifice even a single thought to her own safety until she was abruptly shaken back to reality by a sudden feel of a hand grasping her by the shoulder. She swung around and, to her horror, saw a Death Eater, who had sneaked behind her silently as a ghost.

Lily jumped back and let out a cry as she tried to struggle out of the painfully the tight grasp, blinking back her tears and trying to see through their haze. She flung her wand wildly around until the Death Eater unceremoniously snatched it from her.

"Lily! It's me!" she heard yet another familiar voice, and gasped. Black, familiar eyes swam to her view. The rest of the face was covered by a mask. "Shh – be quiet!"

"Severus!" Lily breathed, her head spinning. It hadn't even crossed her mind that Severus might be here too, among the Death Eaters. She stopped struggling, but Severus grabbed her wrist and didn't let go. "What -"

"You need to get away from here, right now," Severus said. He was holding Lily's wand in the same hand as his own, and his eyes were gleaming with the same resolution which Lily had seen in Sirius's eyes before he had rushed out of their hiding place. He looked over his shoulder at the empty doorway leading to the sitting room. "Is it possible to Disapparate here?"

"No," Lily said. "And I can't just leave everyone!"

"You have to," Severus said sternly. "I'm not supposed to be here, do you understand?" He shook Lily. "But I came to get you out of here. And I _will_ get you out."

"But James... we have to take him with us!" Lily said helplessly.

"You must be joking!" Severus sneered. "I didn't come here with bloody a minibus! We don't have the time for this!"

"But -" Lily started.

Before she had finished her sentence, an enraged, surprised cry pierced the air from behind her.

"Let her _go_ , you filthy Death Eater scum!"

Severus turned his head and looked over Lily's head. Lily whirled around.

James was standing at the library's doorway, wandless, and looked slightly mad with his hair sticking up in all directions like he had just been tearing at it, and his eyes were red and a little glassy. He looked almost unrecognisable.

Severus pushed Lily against the door leading to the study and raised the hand holding both his wand and Lily's. His eyes had narrowed in the eye sockets of his mask. Lily stared, her mouth open, wondering what he was playing at.

"Get in," Severus commanded Lily, gesturing at the door of the study. She had no intention to do as he told her.

James made a sudden movement, like he was about to reach for the wand in his pocket. Severus noticed it, because he flicked the wands in his hand and James's wand flew from his pocket, through his fingers and into Severus's hand; he had Accio'd it wordlessly. James cried out in surprise.

Severus was now holding all three wands and had them all pointed at James. James just stood at the end of the corridor, his eyes gleaming and his face pale, his back straight; he looked like a man who had accepted his fate.

"What are you doing?" Lily shouted at Severus.

"I wouldn't move, if I were you," Severus said softly, directing his words to James, as though he hadn't even heard Lily's question.

"It's you," James said, and his voice was flat. _"You."_

Lily rushed between James and Severus.

But Severus made a movement with the wands and Lily suddenly felt all power leave her limbs, and her legs gave out from under her. She slumped against the wall and tried to hold on to it, but couldn't help but fall on the floor. He had cast something over her – Lily didn't know what, but it had seemed to suck away all of her strength. She could barely stand sitting up, wanting nothing more than to go and lay down on the floor.

There was a sound of an explosion somewhere from upstairs. Severus and James stared at each other across the corridor.

" _Go!"_ Lily heard Mary's voice from somewhere far away. There was another explosion. _"Everyone! You... can't... Floo! Just get out! Out!"_

"Please, please don't," Lily repeated, swallowing her tears, trying to get up but failing. "You can't! He's wandless!"

For a moment the three of them remained frozen in their places, the moment stretching; Lily leaning against the wall and panting as she tried to struggle up, Severus with the wands out and pointed at James, and James by the library door, his back straight and fists clenched. Severus's eyes were cold and narrowed as he stared at James.

There was yet another explosion somewhere. Severus's hand twitched. Lily gasped.

But then, just as Lily was certain that he was about to finally curse James, Severus lowered the wands.

"Oh, fuck it." Severus muttered, sounding almost shocked.

He chucked James's wand on the floor between them.

He then turned on his heels and grabbed Lily by the wrist almost angrily, pulling her up and through the door and into the dark study. She felt the strength return to her limbs as she stumbled behind him.

"What were you playing at?" Lily started angrily. "You were going to curse him, weren't -"

" _Bombarda maxima!"_ Severus cried without listening to her, and pointed his and Lily's wands at the grand arched window behind James's father's old desk, where moonlight streamed inside. The window smashed to pieces, taking parts of the surrounding tiling with it; Lily raised her hands to shield her face as the shards of glass flew around the room, shattering against the wood of the desk and the bookshelves. She heard the sounds of several similar explosions, and could guess they weren't the only ones who tried to flee the manor through the windows, trying to get out onto the grounds where they could Disapparate. She had no idea what was going on, who was winning and who was losing, who was dead and who was alive.

"I can't just leave everyone!" Lily objected as Severus continued to drag her towards the dark, shattered hole in the wall where the window had been. "I have to stay and help! Please, Severus!"

"No you don't. You just need to get yourself out of here," Severus hissed. "It's you they're looking for!"

" _Me?_ "

"I'll explain everything later, just go -"

"But _James_ -" Lily started. Severus's hold around her wrist tightened.

"If Potter has any brains in that big head of his, he'll leave, too," Severus said, separating her wand from his and pushing it into her pocket. "But he's of no consequence to me, you are. And I'm getting you out of here - with or without your permission. Now, _climb_."

He pushed Lily quite roughly towards the window and then up on the windowsill. Lily tried to struggle against him, hurting her palms against the broken shards of glass on the windowsill.

"Listen, I told you - I'm not supposed to be here, but if it makes you feel better, I will stay behind and tell them I saw you leave," Severus said impatiently as he forced her through the window so harshly she almost fell out of the hole and on her bum, managing to keep her balance barely as she stumbled on the grass. Severus remained on the other side. "They will go, then... I think."

There was another explosion and Lily saw the window of the sitting room smash into pieces near them; a Death Eater fell out, his black robes billowing around him. Someone jumped out after him. Lily recognised Mary as she ran into the darkness without looking around herself and Disapparated. The Death Eater laid unmoving on the ground; he was either unconscious, or dead.

"You can't stay here," Lily said weakly and turned back to Severus, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the hole in the wall. "Come with me, then."

There was movement in the doorway behind Severus.

"First good idea I've h - " Severus started in a relieved voice.

" _Avada Kedavra!"_ Somebody cried behind him.

James's face was white and bloodless as he stood in the doorway of the study, his wand pointed at Severus.

""

Note: No. This was not the last chapter. I'm not that cruel.


	23. Calamity Calm

_I want to weep, she thought. I want to be comforted. I'm so tired of being strong. I want to be foolish and frightened for once. Just for a small while, that's all...a day...an hour._

 _-George R.R. Martin_

 _""_

" _Avada Kedavra!" James cried._

Severus's eyes widened, Lily cried out and grasped his hand harder, and for one long, horrible moment, she stared into Severus's eyes on the other side of the window, expecting for the surprise in them to turn into emptiness.

Then Severus blinked and Lily realised that he was still, somehow, alive. Just a thin trail of blood trickled down his neck over his Adam's apple, visible on the pale sliver of skin between the mask and the high collar of his robes.

Behind Severus, James was standing in the doorway, wand still pointed at Severus. His spell had hit Severus in his back, but the curse had been too weak to kill; James stared at his wand incredulously for a second, but then aimed again.

"James, no!" Lily cried out in disbelief and tried to pull Severus through the hole in the wall, away from James. "Stop it, James!"

Severus resisted her attempts to pull him into safety and whirled around, his wand in his hand, but too late - James had already slashed the air with his wand.

" _Sectumsempra!"_ James shouted.

Lily shrieked. Spatters of blood swooshed out of Severus's chest and neck, and he staggered. His hands flew to his throat, trying to obstruct the flow of blood.

Severus half-fell out of the hole in the wall and Lily grabbed him by the shoulders as he fell on his knees in the grass next to her. She looked in horror as blood poured out of the gash which had appeared to the side of his neck and chest. Severus opened his mouth, tried to say something, but then Lily heard James running towards the window, the broken glass on the floor crunching sharply underneath his boots.

" _Lily!"_ Lily heard his shout as he approached. _"I'm coming, hang on!"_

Severus raised his wand towards the window and aimed with a shaking, blood-covered hand. Without stopping to think, Lily curled her fingers around his wand hand. Using his wand and wishing and praying for all the forces in the world to allow her to Apparate directly into Severus's house, Lily was gone, pulling him through space with her. The last thing she saw was James's wild-eyed face peeking through the hole in the wall, but then it was gone too. She closed her eyes against the swirling shapes and nasty squashing feeling of the Disapparation.

Mere seconds later, Lily felt some soft and dry surface beneath her legs.

"Oh, thank God," Lily groaned as she opened her eyes and found herself kneeling on top of the rug in the dark, quiet sitting room in Severus's house. She slumped on the rug, exhausted, and threw threw a paranoid glance around the room, her heart still pounding painfully hard and adrenaline coursing through her veins. It was too dark to see much anything, but the room was quiet and deserted. Severus didn't resist when she gently separated his fingers from his wand and pointed it towards the light fixture hanging above them. The room suddenly bathed in dim yellow light. She turned towards Severus.

Severus was lying on the floor next to her and he was breathing heavily. His mask was on the floorboards next to him; he had either removed it or it had fallen off when they had materialised. Lily was alarmed to find that his face had turned very white, almost as white as paper. He was covered in blood. In addition to the wound on his neck and chest caused by the Sectumsempra, he also had a nosebleed, probably courtesy of the failed Killing Curse. He was losing a lot of blood, very fast. Even as Lily watched, a small puddle of dark blood started to form on the floor, dripping from the gash in his neck and chest and disappearing between floorboards.

"Oh, no," Lily breathed and pressed her hands against his chest to stop the bleeding, trying not to mind how the wounds in her own palms hurt terribly when she added pressure on them. He winced, but she didn't let go.

"Do you have any essence of plantain?" Lily asked him. His blood felt sticky and warm against her hands, and a sudden fear gripped her when she realised how close it had been, how inexplicable that he was still even alive...

"Lily," Severus said in a strangled voice, trying to get up despite the pressure Lily kept on his chest. "You have to use... _Vulnera Sanentur... Vulnera Sanentur..._ "

He paused, and stared at Lily blankly for a moment, like he had forgotten what he was about to say. His eyes looked even blacker than usual in the dim yellow light, against the red blood and the white of his face. Then his eyes rolled in his head and he lost consciousness, his head hitting the rug with a thudding sound.

"No, no!" Lily breathed again.

She set his wand on the floor and started to quickly unbutton the collar of his robes, very gently lifting them off his left shoulder, revealing blood-stained white skin, a patch of black hair on his chest and an enormous, red gash. The wound looked very bad; it was an inch in thickness and nearly twelve inches in length, reaching from the side of his neck all the way to the middle of his chest. Blood was pulping out of it at alarming speed. Lily had to try his pulse to make sure he was still even alive. To her relief, his weak but steady pulse throbbed against her fingertips.

Repeating the counterspell in her head, Lily quickly pushed her hand into the pocket of her robes and reached for her own wand, which Severus had put there before they had escaped. The wand felt a little weird between her fingers, but it wasn't until she had pulled it out of her pocket that she realised it wasn't hers. The wand in her hand was long and mahogany, and thicker than hers was. It was James's wand.

Not having the time to stop and ponder about the abrupt change of wands any further than that, Lily pointed the wand at Severus's wounds.

" _Vulnera Sanentur,"_ she muttered.

Absolutely nothing seemed to happen. The wound remained just as nasty-looking as it had been before the incantation. But as Lily started wiping away the excess blood from the skin around the wound, she noticed in relief that the bleeding had stopped. However, the wound remained open, just like Sirius's had, all those months ago, when he had refused to go to the Hospital Wing after Severus had used the curse on him. Lily jumped up and rushed to the kitchen, lighting the iron chandelier hanging from the kitchen ceiling on her way.

" _Accio_ Plantain," she called hopefully, and was relieved when a bunch of flasks on one of the kitchen shelves fell over when a small flask at the very back of the shelf pushed through them before racing through the air and towards her. She grabbed it in the middle of its flight, grimacing when it pushed a shard of glass stuck to the skin of her palm even deeper, and hurried back to the sitting room.

Lily felt a chill in her heart as she took in Severus's unmoving, white-faced form lying on the sitting room floor. He looked like a dead man amidst the pool of blood staining the floorboards, and Lily had to race back to his side to again try his pulse. It was still there. Lily sighed in relief and slumped back on the floor next to him. She opened the cork of the flask with trembling fingers and poured a generous amount of the light green liquid on the wound. Then she ran her fingers through the air and concentrated; soon the air between her fingers turned thick and tightened until it quivered and then turned solid, and soon she was holding a long snippet of gauze between her fingers. She positioned it on the length of the wound, and watched as the essence of plantain and traces of blood slowly soaked through it. Severus remained pale and unconscious, and Lily realised she needed to deal with his blood loss.

Getting up again, Lily went back to the kitchen and started rummaging around the cupboards. Their contents were extremely organised, and for once Lily blessed Severus's natural neatness which allowed her to find everything she needed in a matter of minutes; a cauldron, and empty flasks appeared out of the depths of the cupboards. Lighting a fire under the cauldron, she started pouring into it the contents of several flasks she _Accio_ 'd from the kitchen shelves: belladonna, the rest of the plantain, grated ginger, dang gui, cat's claw, astragalus. Together they formed a greenish, thick substance which smelled mossy, and she was deeply thankful for his habit of hoarding random herbs and potion ingredients. Finally she pulled a shard of window glass out of her palm and poured a few drops of her own blood into the cauldron. The liquid inside the cauldron turned blood red and started bubbling. The kitchen air was soon filled with thick fumes which smelled distinctively of iron.

Letting the potion simmer on low heat, Lily returned to the sitting room and peeked underneath the gauze on Severus's chest. The edges of the wound had started healing fractionally, but the wound wasn't healing the way it was supposed to; it actually just looked worse than before, the colour around it turning purple, as though it was bruised. And what was more, as Lily again tried Severus's pulse, she was alarmed to notice his skin felt clammy and hot under her fingers. He was developing a fever. Cursing, she rushed to the kitchen and grabbed the potion she had prepared, burning her fingers in her haste. She cooled the potion with James's wand (accidentally freezing it at first; the wand was rebelling against her) and then went back to Severus's side and poured seven drops of the red liquid between his lips. Then she went back to the kitchen, poured the rest of the potion she had prepared into an empty flask and started preparing another potion, which would bring his fever down.

The night passed in a haze. Lily was too wound up to relax, and desperately needed something to do to keep her mind busy and emotions in check. The fumes in the kitchen made her sweat uncomfortably and her hair was soon glued to the back of her neck, but she didn't stop to pause, fearing what she might feel if she did. She rushed to Severus's side every fifteen minutes to check his pulse, unable to shake the terrible and irrational fear that his life was slipping out of him despite her best efforts. She cleaned the blood off him the best she could, but he still remained ominously pale and lifeless-looking.

Lily tried every single healing herb and potion she discovered from his kitchen shelves, but the wound on Severus's chest stubbornly remained open. But the colour started to slowly return to his cheeks and the purple bruising around the open wound disappeared, and she was satisfied when she felt his pulse strengthen. Coming up with nothing else she could do but continue to check his state until he woke up, Lily conjured a pillow and a comforter and covered Severus up. At some point in the early hours of the morning, Lily finally sat down on the sofa and started pulling the shards of glass out of her own palms.

It was still dark outside the windows, and it was very, very quiet. The sort of a quiet that could only fall during the early morning hours, when the entire neighbourhood was sleeping and nobody was out. The ticking of clocks was the only sound that broke the silence, though Lily had no clue what time it was. She had a hard time getting all of the glass out of her skin, as most of it was buried in her skin in tiny sand-like crumbs, but after finally succeeding she rubbed Dittany on her wounds and watched new skin grow over her palms. At least _something_ was easy to heal. Lily leaned against the backrest of the sofa, wiped sticky iron-smelling hair off her eyes and closed them for a moment.

She had known to expect the flood of memories and ache overtaking her. Sirius's empty eyes, James's clutched fists as he stood at the doorway of the library, and his anguished howl as he found Sirius. Severus, intending to curse James, James cursing Severus. So much had happened, and Lily felt like her exhausted mind couldn't process it all.

Sirius... dead. He was dead because of her.

She just couldn't understand it. If only she could go back in time, to go back to the corridor and pull Sirius to the study, not to the library. She had been so useless. She was always so useless. Severus had been right all along, absolutely right. She always forced others to act for her, because she was so afraid to act herself. And because of that, Sirius was now dead. Was he still lying on the library floor against the bookcase, like he was just asleep?

And what had become of James? Had he managed to escape from the Death Eaters? _Don't let him be killed,_ Lily silently begged nobody in particular. _Don't let him be dead._ _He can't be dead._ But anything could have happened. She had no idea what had happened in other rooms, or what had become of the Order. They could all be dead, for all she knew. Or they could all be captured. The entire manor could have been destroyed in the battle, and everyone inside died. Anger pushed through her despair, and she hated the Death Eaters, hated Voldemort, even hated Severus – how could he have joined a group like that? Lily thought of the wild-haired woman in the library, and felt nauseous. They were insane, all of them. Mad, blood-thirsty killers.

Lily sat there for a long time and thought of everything that was wrong with the world, feeling lonely and helpless. She hadn't intended to fall asleep, but slowly her jumbled thoughts slipped into restless dreams.

Lily jerked awake at the feel of a hand nudging hers. She had jumped up and grasped at James's wand before realising where she was or what was happening, and her heart was pounding very fast, and she felt groggy and nauseated, having woken up much too abruptly. The room was bathing in pale light which had managed to sneak through the gaps in the closed curtains, and she heard the sounds of faraway passing cars out on the streets. It was morning.

"I didn't mean to startle you," Severus muttered.

Lily turned to look towards where his voice came from. He was still on the floor, but he was now sitting and leaning against the sofa where Lily had fallen asleep, and he was frowning as he inspected the slimy gauze taped to his chest. The comforter Lily had covered him up with was bundled into a lump next to him. Severus still looked quite ash-faced and sickly, and in the pale morning light Lily could see some traces of dried blood on his face and neck - but he was wonderfully alive, and better yet, conscious. Glad she had something to concentrate on again, Lily pushed James's wand in her pocket and crouched next to him, trying to banish her grogginess. Without waiting for Severus's permission, she stuck her hand against his forehead and tried his temperature. His skin still felt warmer than was normal.

"How are you feeling?" Lily asked him, moving her hand from his forehead and against his cheek, which was burning even hotter, before letting her hand fall in her lap. She eyed him and tried to decide how alarming his state looked. He looked like he had been sweating, his hair having become glued to the sides of his face, and he had a pallid, sickly complexion. His eyes gleamed unnaturally bright. "You feel really feverish."

"I'm fine," Severus muttered. He seemed a little awkward and tried to pull the shoulder of his robes back up.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked him and frowned. "I've got to check your wound."

She pushed his hand away and pulled the shoulder of his robes back down. Severus stiffened as she started pulling the slimy gauze off the wound, and she hoped she wasn't tearing at the wound. She gasped as she saw what was underneath the gauze. While she had slept and hadn't attended to the wound, it had become infected again, the purple hue having returned to its edges and the skin having swollen around it. The actual wound had taken on a greenish yellow hue and now looked very nasty and painful.

"This looks really bad," Lily sighed. "I've tried everything I know, but it's just not working. I think we need to take you to the hospital, or you'll wind up with sepsis."

Severus touched the swollen edge of the wound with his finger and then grimaced. "Didn't you use the counterspell?"

"I did, but it didn't do anything," Lily said. "Well, the wound stopped bleeding, but it didn't heal."

"How many times did you say it?"

"What do you mean? Just once, of course," Lily said, puzzled.

"It needs three times," Severus said. He took his wand off the rug and then gingerly lifted himself up from the floor only to sink on the sofa with a pained gasp. Lily sat next to him. Severus pointed at his wand to his chest.

" _Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur,_ " he chanted in a low voice and moved his wand over the wound. Lily saw the wound starting to close before her eyes, new flesh and skin growing over the greenish gash which turned back into a healthier colour, until there was nothing left but a purple, fresh scar. Lily reached out her hand and traced the new scar on the side of his neck with her fingers. It was perfectly smooth, the swelling around it having disappeared instantaneously. It wasn't until she realised that Severus had stiffened uncomfortably that Lily realised that since he was no longer unconscious, it was hardly appropriate for her to be groping him so freely. She pulled her hand away quickly.

"Too late now to get rid of the scarring," Severus mumbled, staring at the rug. He pulled the torn, blood-crusted robes back over his shoulder and buttoned the robes back up, though quite unnecessarily, since the front of his robes were so torn that the pink scar and white skin remained quite visible through the torn hole. He straightened himself against the sofa and rubbed his eyes, and then looked around himself. Finally his eyes settled on Lily.

Lily stared back at him, numbly. She came to think that they hadn't yet discussed their row a week ago, but as she tried to remember what they had actually argued about, she couldn't remember anything; her brain felt like it was full of fluffy cotton. She just wanted to put her head on a pillow and go back to sleep. But Severus's sudden shout shook her out of her daze.

"The Dark Lord!" He exclaimed so suddenly that Lily jumped and whirled around in her seat, for one wild moment thinking You-Know-Who was crouching behind her. She turned back towards Severus, clutching at her chest. She was just about to tell him to stop frightening her like that, when what he said next silenced her.

"He's looking for you! Somebody saw you that night when you went back to the alley!" Severus said passionately, looking much more alert than he had a while ago. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Lily stared at him. She now remembered that he had said something along those lines last night, but it had completely slipped her mind since.

"But... but there was nobody there on the alley that could have seen me," Lily said.

"Did you go _straight_ to the alley?" Severus demanded, scrutinising her strictly.

"I... n-no," Lily admitted, remembering how that night she had failed to Apparate where she had intended to. "I Apparated near Madam Malkin's and walked from there."

"What! Why would you do that?" Severus barked and struggled to straighten himself against the backrest of the sofa. "Anybody could've seen you, from the windows, or -"

"There was nobody, honestly!" Lily said tiredly, cowering away from the sudden anger radiating from him. "All the windows were covered and there were no lights anywhere. I would have noticed if there was any movement or anything, I was so paranoid."

"Well, _somebody_ saw you, somebody from that stupid resistance group of yours – somebody's seen you and that somebody went to the Dark Lord, and he now knows about the resistance group _and_ about you. And that somebody didn't just see you near the area, but he actually saw you cast that spell on Morland!"

"But... but that's impossible!" Lily said in alarm, her exhausted mind trying to remember every second of that night on the alley. She felt a lump in her throat, and Severus's cold eyes seemed to bore straight through her, making her feel even worse than before. "There was nobody on that alley! I would have noticed!"

"Then how come the Dark Lord knows what you did if there wasn't?" Severus demanded.

"I-I don't know -"

"You were careless, Lily!" Severus said mercilessly. "Somebody saw you! You were careless, and because of that the both of us are now in jeopardy!"

"I'm... I'm sorry," Lily breathed, and felt hot tears form in her eyes. "I'm sorry! I thought there was nobody there."

Lily had to turn her back on Severus because she was utterly unable to fight back her tears. She covered her mouth in her hands and tried in vain to stop, but the more she tried not to cry, the harder it was to reign in her tears, and strangled sobs started escaping her. It was like trying to fight a flood. She had ruined everything. Sirius was dead because of her, and who knew how many others had gotten killed, and they had all died because she hadn't made certain she wasn't seen that night...

"I..." Severus said behind her, sounding alarmed. "You don't have to _cry_ about it... it came out wrong... I'm sorry, all right? Lily?"

Lily just shook her head, reluctant to show him her puffy, red-eyed and weeping face.

"Listen, it wasn't really your fault," Severus said. Lily heard him shift uncomfortably. "I shouldn't have let you go there alone, or at all. So don't cry, all right? I didn't mean it that way."

But Lily couldn't stop crying, and she felt ashamed but too tired to care about weeping openly in front of Severus. She wished he would have continued talking, that he would have tried to convince her that there was nothing to cry about, or perhaps that he would have hugged her and held her so tightly she wouldn't have fallen apart; that he would have done anything, really. But he remained silent and unmoving behind her, and she felt utterly foolish as she wept.

"I... I should go," Lily hiccuped finally when she had calmed down enough to get a word out. She still couldn't turn to look at him. "My parents must be worried... and I should go back to the manor to see if... and... and I have work today, so..."

"You can't go," Severus said quietly.

"I'm fine... really. I'll just -"

"No... I mean, you really can't go. You can't leave this house," Severus said and Lily heard him shift in his seat again. She wiped her face and finally turned to look at him.

"What?" She asked, frowning.

Severus looked very uneasy. He turned his eyes away and smoothed the torn, blood-crusted front of his robes.

"The Dark Lord is looking for you," Severus said, avoiding her eyes. "We don't know what happened last night. For all we know, he could be holding everyone you know prisoner -"

"Don't say that!" Lily said anxiously and hugged herself.

"- and there could still be Death Eaters in the manor, waiting for you to show up," Severus continued ruthlessly. "They might be at your work, waiting for you. Or... or they could have put the people you know under the Imperio, so that if you show up, they'll capture you. I'm sorry, Lily, but you can't go back home. Or to work."

"But..." Lily said, her mind spinning. "But I can't just quit going to work!"

"Well, you can't go back there either," Severus said grimly. "People disappear all the time these days – they leave the country or go into hiding. They'll just assume that's what you are doing. And, in fact, that is precisely what you _will_ be doing."

"But of course I must go home, and to work!" Lily objected, clinging on to whatever remains of normalcy she still had in her life, feeling like everything was slipping through her grasping fingers. "If You-Know-Who knew where I worked, he would have come there already, wouldn't he?"

"Who all know where you work?" Severus asked.

"Uh... I don't know," Lily said, rummaging her fuzzy brain. "Bunny... Mary... James... Remus, I think... and Dumbledore... I sent a letter about it to Alice, but she's on her honeymoon in the Seychelles... my parents, but they don't know where it's located..." _And Sirius knew,_ she thought, but didn't say because she didn't want to think about him right now.

"That's already plenty of people he can fish out the information from, if the other Death Eaters managed to capture someone last night," Severus said.

"But... but it's St. Mungo' s!" Lily said weakly. "He can't come there! It's a public place!"

Severus just looked at her without saying anything, and Lily realised how feeble her reasoning sounded. She sighed and ran her hands over her face, feeling exhausted. She didn't want to think about this. Her head might burst if she did. What little foundation her life had found within the last week had been wiped away in a matter of hours. There was nothing safe and familiar left. She felt alone and overwhelmed by everything, and Severus's unreadable gaze and the way he sat, tensely and unmoving, only made her more uncomfortable.

"So..." Severus finally continued, cautiously this time. "I think it's best if you stay here. For now."

Lily jerked.

"Here?" She asked, struggling to understand what he was saying. "Here at your house?"

Severus shifted uncomfortably and didn't look at her.

"I'm sorry," he said simply.

"You must be insane!" Lily said and laughed in shock. Severus said nothing and continued to stare at the Death Eater mask on the floor in front of him.

"But... but... I should go back to my parents," Lily stuttered, the brief laughter dying on her lips. "They'll be worried – they already are – and even Dumbledore didn't find me there, so You-Know-Who won't either..."

"I'm not letting you go to some _Muggle_ residence," Severus said and frowned. "Do you have any idea how unsafe that is?"

"I made it unplottable!" Lily objected. "I put up all sorts of enchantments around it!"

"Well, that's good - for your parents, that is," Severus said. "But I'm not letting _you_ go there."

"It's not your decision to make!" Lily said, starting to get angry at him and the calm, matter-of-fact tone he spoke with. She scrambled up from the sofa and straightened her back. "You can't go around deciding for me! If I want to go to my parents, then I'll go!"

Severus opened his mouth angrily and for an instant looked like he was about to start shouting to her again. Then he snapped his mouth shut and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, he had pulled on that expressionless look back on his face, which Lily had grown to hate.

"You're right," he said calmly. "I'm sorry. Of course you can choose yourself."

Lily peered at him suspiciously, but his face remained as hard to read as ever.

"However..." Severus continued slowly. "You should realise the danger your presence in their home poses to your parents. If the Dark Lord hears you are staying with them..."

"I know what you're trying to do, Severus, so cut it out!" Lily interrupted him. "You're trying to manipulate me into staying here! You know perfectly well that it poses them no additional danger, because if You-Know-Who finds out where they live he'll go there anyway! But he won't find out, because nobody knows where they live! Not a soul!"

Severus sighed in exasperation and pursed his lips, the mask of indifference he'd tried to put on disappearing as quickly as it had appeared. He crossed his arms.

"Fine," he hissed, his cheeks reddening slightly. "I want you to stay here because I can't relax if I don't know where you are and what's happened to you. All right?"

"I knew it!" Lily cried out, relieved at having something tangible to get angry over. "You're just trying to control everything again! You're just trying to -"

"Oh, just shut it," Severus said and glared at her. "All right! I'm controlling and you hate it when I have to have my bathroom mat in a straight angle and when I have to know where you are at all times. I've heard it all before. Will you just stay here?"

Lily glared at him angrily, trying to find something to use against him.

"Please?" Severus added reluctantly. Then he sighed. "Honestly. If I have to constantly wonder whether something has happened to you, I'll never be able to keep my mind shut if the Dark Lord decides to go rummaging about there..."

"You do know you're like the worst Death Eater ever, right?" Lily spat. "Do you actually do _anything_ You-Know-Who tells you to, or do you just like the cut and colour of the robes? Why don't you just _quit_ it already?"

"Because I believe in the cause!" Severus said in a nauseatingly proud tone. "I want the secrecy clause abolished! I want the freedom which..." but then he paused and sighed, like he had lost his trail of thought half-way through the sentence. "Never mind. Look... will you just stay here or not?"

"I..." Lily started, the words that she was going to her parents's almost rolling off her tongue, but then she looked at Severus's anxious, tired face, and suddenly realised that if she left, there was no telling if she would see him again. What if You-Know-Who _would_ look into his mind and see that he had betrayed him? What if Severus would get killed and she wouldn't even know about it? It would be her fault if something happened to him, anyway. She had messed up that night, and Severus would suffer. Could she live not knowing what had happened to him? And what if she could convince him to leave the Death Eaters by staying? His eyes were imploring as he stared at her.

"All right," Lily said weakly. "I'll stay here."

"Thank you," Severus sighed. He leaned back against the backrest of the sofa and smiled in relief, and Lily's heart jumped when she realised she hadn't seen him smile like that in a very long time; he always smiled with his eyes, not so much with his lips, and it was a beautiful, rare thing to behold.

But then the smile suddenly died and he looked a little awkward, and Lily realised she had gawked at him more shamelessly than she had intended. She then realised that she had just promised to stay with him, and that meant that she would actually... well, _stay_. She suddenly couldn't think of anything to say, and Severus eyed her like the feeling was mutual. She wondered if he had just realised the same thing.

The atmosphere changed slightly and an undercurrent of another kind of tension started to form; all the things they still hadn't talked about suddenly seemed to hang between them, distinctive and heavy as a curtain, and Lily realised how very weird the whole situation was. How bizarre their relationship was.

What the hell was the driving force between their unlikely allegiance anyway? They weren't friends, but nor were they enemies, or if they were, they were the sort of enemies that apparently saved one another. Nor were they quite lovers, but they had a certain history, and she was acutely aware of the physical tension between them; the aftermath and permanent result of their stolen moment of tenderness months ago. It felt like Severus played all roles at once, and it was extremely confusing and unsettling, and Lily wished she could just pick one category where to lump him just to make some sense of it. And she had agreed to _stay_ with him... for how long, exactly? To what end? Severus smoothed the front of his robes again, and avoided her eyes by looking at the red, dried puddle on the floor where he had bled, and Lily wondered if he felt just as awkward as she did. The silence stretched.

"Uh..." Lily finally said just to bring the tense silence to an end. Her voice sounded very loud to her own ears.

Severus's dark eyes flickered in hers, penetrating and unreadable. Lily swallowed, and felt like she should continue, to say _anything_ , and thinking quickly, she pushed her hand under her robes and pulled out the shrunk cloak she had intended to bring him yesterday. "Here's your cloak back."

Severus's eyes turned towards the tiny piece of fabric, which in its current state looked like a black, dirty napkin. Lily quickly pulled out James's wand and pointed it at the cloak, which started swelling in size.

"It's, uh, a little muddy and torn in places. Sorry," she said as she pushed the cloak into his lap. It was an understatement; it was in horrid condition after she had sloshed through a gutter, a bush and a steel fence wearing it. As she watched it grow and the spots of dirt became more prominent, she suddenly wished she hadn't even brought it back. To make matters worse, the bundled cloak just continued to swell in size in Severus's lap, until it was the size of a tent. Severus eyed it expressionlessly, and then set it aside; it continued its abnormal growth on the sofa next to him.

"Sorry," Lily said. "It's this wand. I can't control it."

"What's wrong with it?" Severus asked and fixed his eyes upon it, frowning. Lily lifted it up for him to see. For a second he stared at it expressionlessly, but then understanding dawned on his face and he pursed his lips.

"That's Potter's wand," he said, quite unnecessarily.

"Yeah, you must have given me the wrong one," Lily said miserably. "Which brings to mind, I've got to see James... I've got to know what's happened to him, and I want my own wand back..."

Severus's pursed his lips even tighter and stared at the wand, looking as though he wanted to lunge at it and snap it in half.

"Potter tried to kill me," he said quietly, and his eyes flashed coldly.

"But he didn't," Lily said. "I mean, the curse didn't work because he didn't truly want you dead, right?"

Severus laughed darkly.

"The curse didn't work because he was using your wand," he said. "Trust me, if he'd been wielding _that_ wand, I'd be dead now."

"But that can't be right!" Lily hurried to say. "The only reason the curse doesn't kill is if the person casting it doesn't truly want the other person dead, surely _you_ should know this! James is not a killer - he didn't want you dead!"

"Don't be ridiculous, Lily!" Severus barked, his eyes flashing again. He got up from the sofa and Lily took an automatic step back. "You were there!" he continued. "Potter tried to kill me! You saw it yourself! The only reason I'm not dead is that the core of your wand is notoriously bad for Dark Magic!"

"There's nothing wrong with the core of my wand!" Lily objected, starting to get frustrated and angry again. Severus had a manic glint in his eyes which Lily recognised very well, and which meant that he had made up his mind about the root of all evils being James Potter, a view which he had brought up more than enough times during the years Lily had known him.

"If he had truly wanted you dead, you would be dead, even with my wand!" Lily continued. "Or do you mean to say that if You-Know-Who himself would have wielded my wand, he couldn't have killed you? It's the intention that counts, not the wand! Even Dumbledore says so!"

That wasn't strictly true, but Lily concluded that Severus didn't need to know that. But as she had correctly assumed, Severus seemed to have made up his mind not to listen, having immediately become blind and deaf to reason at the mention of his old foe. He strode closer to Lily and stared at the wand still in her hand with a loathing look on his face.

"I forgot, you always look through your fingers when it comes to your precious _Potter,_ " he spat venomously. "By all means, blame _me_ for my academic interest in the Dark Arts, but look through your fingers when your fucking boyfriend frolics around with the Killing Curse and my Sectumsempra -"

"Your _academic interest_ in the Dark Arts?" Lily shrieked incredulously and backed away from him. "You're a bloody Death Eater, Severus! It's a little too late for _that_ excuse!"

"Potter has always wanted me dead!" Severus shouted. "You're just too blind to see it, even when he's cursing me in front of your bloody eyes!"

"I'm not so sure it's me who's being blind here!" Lily shouted back. "It was hardly personal, Severus! What was he supposed to do, huh? You show up in Death Eater robes and start dragging me out of there! Was he supposed to think you're trying to save me? Because I think that's asking a little too much! Especially after you seemed ready to curse him! And what _was_ that all about -"

"I wish I had!" Severus shouted over her, red spots appearing on his white cheeks. "I wish I had killed him when I had the chance! He always... he just... fucking _Potter._.. and you just..." but he had started sputtering and seemed lost for words, which only seemed to make him angrier. He again closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but Lily could see a vein throbbing on his forehead. His hands were clenched into fists.

"Look," Lily said, forcing her voice to sound reasonable and calm, even though her insides were sizzling. "I spoke with James yesterday. About the whole... bullying thing. He said it was just something that, uh, blokes did when they grow up into men. It's stupid, I know. But he didn't really want you dead, I'm sure he didn't!"

"Of course Potter says that to _you_ ," Severus barked, opening his eyes again. It seemed like his attempts at calming himself hadn't worked, because the vein on his forehead was still throbbing and his eyes were still glinting obsessively. "He'd say anything to not have you run off! Can't you see he's just putting up an act for you, playing the perfect boyfriend, so that you wouldn't see what a prick he is? So you'd stay with him!"

"It's a little too late for that now!" Lily said and crossed her arms. "We already broke up!"

"He -" Severus started angrily, but then snapped his mouth shut. A weird look passed on his face. He stared at Lily. "You _what_?"

"We broke up last weekend!" Lily said. "So he has absolutely zero reason to lie to me now. And if he says he wasn't serious about all that bullying crap, I believe him."

Severus stared at her for a very long time without moving, standing so still that it looked as though somebody had petrified him. Then he opened his mouth as though intending to say something, but deciding otherwise, snapped it back shut.

"Look, James can be really thoughtless," Lily said, calming down. "And I know he's been really nasty to you. I know you can't forgive him for that, and I'm not asking you to. But that doesn't mean he's _evil_ , Severus. He doesn't want you dead, okay?"

Severus seemed to wake up from his trance.

"Maybe he's just saying so to win you back," Severus said paranoidly, and Lily could tell he was determined to not believe her, though his voice now lacked its earlier vigor. Lily sighed and ran her hands over her face, lingering on the edge of exhaustion and breaking down again.

"I can't make you believe me," she finally said and let her hands drop to her sides, giving in to her exhaustion. "But I am exhausted, and I'm tired to arguing about this with you. So if you want me to stay here, just drop it, all right? I've got to write letters to my parents, and to work, and to James... and I think we both need a shower and something to eat... so... truce?"

Severus looked at her, and then down at his chest where the torn remains of the front of his robes hung sadly, as though only now realising that they both looked like they had crawled out of a war field. He smoothed his blood-crusted hair and looked a little self-conscious.

"Right..." he said. "Yes. You're right. Um... I think I'll need to go to the store. I don't think I have anything in. _Evanesco_." He directed the last word to the muddy cloak, which had swollen to the size of a large circus tent while they had been arguing, and had started to inconspicuously wrap itself around his feet, having finally become too large to remain on the sofa. It vanished soundlessly.

Lily turned on her heels and walked into the kitchen, hearing Severus follow her. She peeked into the cupboard where she remembered Severus had dug out the packet of biscuits last week. The same packet sat at the bottom of the drawer, but otherwise the cupboard was empty.

"Jesus..." Lily said and sighed, turning towards the door. "Don't you eat, Severus?"

Severus avoided her eyes.

"I'll go and take a shower," he said. "Then I'll go to the store. You write to... well, to whomever you want to write." He pointed his wand towards the kitchen door, and Lily heard a drawer open somewhere in the sitting room, then close, and soon a quill, a bottle of ink and a roll of parchment glided through the air and fell on the kitchen table. "I don't have an owl, though... I can go and rent one from the post office while I'm going to the store if you'd like?"

"Nah, it's all right," Lily sighed. "I can bribe the post owl. I've gotten a lot of practice at that... though I'm not so sure he'll find these biscuits appealing enough," she raised the lonely tinfoil covered packet. "Can you get ham or something?"

"There's dried worms in that cupboard over there," Severus said and pointed at a cupboard near the window.

"Oh, so dried worms you have, but not food. You're certainly taking the concept of a bachelor pad to a whole new level," Lily couldn't help but say. Severus looked a little embarrassed.

"So... I'll just go then," he said awkwardly. "Just... you can't tell anyone I came to get you out of there yesterday, all right? If that gets out..." he didn't finish the sentence, but its dark implications didn't go unnoticed by Lily. When she didn't argue, Severus disappeared out of the kitchen and she heard his steps go up the stairs. Soon the door of the upstairs bathroom banged shut, and Lily heard the shower turn on. Lily suddenly felt very lonely.

To keep her mind off the emotions she feared would soon grip her, she sat by the kitchen table and grabbed the quill, rolling open the parchment. The first letter, addressed to her parents, was relatively easy to write, the words and lies basically writing themselves.

" _Hi mum, dad,_

 _I'm sorry if I've made you worry by not showing up last night! I spent the night at an old school friend's place, and it turns out I can actually stay here from now on, there's lots of room here. I'll come and pick up my things as soon as the circumstances become a little clearer. For now, I'm all set. Use the owl if you wish to send a reply. Just put the letter into its claws, tell it to find me, and put it out, that should work._

 _Lots of love and hugs,_

 _Lily"_

Lily paranoidly glanced around herself in the empty kitchen, and then childishly pressed a kiss on the rolled up parchment; an old habit from her first years at Hogwarts when she had been terribly homesick. She was already missing her parents, and could only hope they hadn't called the police or something like that when she hadn't showed up last night.

The next letter was even easier to write.

" _Dear Mrs. Cotterill,_

 _I'm sorry this comes at such a short notice, but due to urgent, personal reasons I am unable to continue working at the Hospital, starting immediately. Please consider this letter my resignation._

 _It has been a pleasure working with you, and I hope to one day be able to reapply for the position. I hope my resignation will not be a major inconvenience._

 _Best regards,_

 _Lily Evans"_

Lily duplicated the letter and, after throwing away the extra copies James's wand had insisted to make, changed Mrs. Cotterill's name to the name of the Matron working at the Injuries Ward for the other copy. She hoped the Matrons would understand and not think too badly of her for resigning mere hours before her next work shift was due to begin. But Severus had been right: these days people disappeared all the time, even though nobody spoke openly about it. They would probably think she had gone into hiding, like many other Muggleborns. However, she couldn't help but feel like losing her job to top everything off did nothing for the horrible feeling that the ground under her feet was crumbling away. When she compared her life to what it had been just a week ago, there was hardly anything familiar left.

Finally, Lily reluctantly tore a third piece of parchment off the roll and stared at its blank surface, wishing the words would appear on it on their own. She didn't want to write them. She didn't want to think. But finally she dipped her quill into the ink, and set it onto the parchment. She wrote hastily, without stopping to think or feel.

" _James,_

 _I hope you will receive this letter, wherever you are. I hope you got out of the mansion and are unharmed and well. Or at least as well as you can be under the circumstances._

 _I am so, so sorry about Sirius. He died like such a hero, and he saved my life. I would not be alive if he hadn't been so brave. I know you must miss him terribly, and I wish I could be there for you. If you can, can you let me know of your whereabouts? I keep fearing the worst has happened!_

 _As for me, I luckily managed to escape by struggling away and Disapparating. I can't tell you my present location, but if it's at all possible, we should see each other as soon as we can arrange it. I also have your wand, and I assume you have mine._

 _Please let me know you are all right!_

 _Love,_

 _Lily"_

Her handwriting was terrible because she was now trembling, and a choking, heavy feeling was spreading inside her. She wished she could banish the memory of Sirius lying at the foot of the bookcase from her mind, and she didn't want to think what might have happened to James after she had abandoned him to the manor. Lily rolled up the parchment quickly, wanting to block the words she had written from pushing through the numbness, and let her eyes wander around the kitchen.

Grey morning light streamed in through the curtain covering the window; the clock above the door informed Lily that it was seven thirty. The kitchen surfaces were still covered in flasks, and the cauldron Lily had used was still on the kitchen table, its contents dried against the sides, surrounded by several half-full flasks hap-haphazardly littering the table. Lily was mildly surprised Severus hadn't had a stroke when he had seen the state of his kitchen. She felt very out of place in the house's dark angularity, and wished that Severus would come back from the shower soon; even their childish bickering would be better than this feeling of loneliness and helplessness. She wished she could go upstairs to wait for him, or better yet, that he hadn't left at all. She didn't want him to go to the store and leave her alone in the house.

To get her mind off things, Lily pulled out James's wand, intending to clean the kitchen before Severus came back. But it turned out that the wand was unmanageable at things requiring any sort of precision. She broke a flask as she tried to make it float into the cupboard, and when she tried to vanish the ruined contents of the cauldron, the cauldron just made a loud banging sound and shot up in the air like a catapult, spilling its contents all over the cupboards and her hair. It fell back on the table with a loud cracking sound.

"Fuck!" Lily cursed. The next thing she knew, she was sobbing uncontrollably.

She buried her face in hands and slumped to sit on the cold stone floor, letting James's wand fall on the floor next to her. The gooey potion was dripping from her hair to her neck, but she couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. Her entire body was trembling from the emotions and memories flooding her; Sirius's pitiful, empty-eyed body against the bookcase; James's anguished howl as he discovered his best friend dead; her own helplessness which had caused everything.

How could she just sit here, when anything might have happened to James? Even if he was alive, he was alone and missing Sirius, and Sirius would never come back, because he was dead. She hadn't been able to save him, and she couldn't even make a stupid cauldron clean itself. What good was she to anyone? She wished she could just go home, to her real home, the one across the park from here, and go under the covers in her own bed, and then sleep until she woke up and realised all this had been nothing but a nightmare.

Hasty steps rushed down the stairs.

"Lily?" Severus's worried voice called out from the hallway, approaching the kitchen. "What happened? I heard a loud bang..."

"I'm fine," Lily cried against her hand, unable to stop now that she had started. "Sorry. It's just this wand... I think I broke the cauldron..."

She heard Severus enter the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway, probably to take in the potion-covered kitchen cupboards and curtains, and her weeping form on the floor. Then Lily heard him move closer. He kneeled beside her, bringing with him the strong scent of his bath soap.

"What's wrong?" He asked, sounding worried.

Lily wiped her face and tried to hide behind her hair. She was very aware of Severus's gaze, could almost feel it boring through the curtain of hair between them.

"Everyone who's dead... they're dead because of me," She croaked in a strangled voice. "They died because somebody saw me on that alley..."

"Lily..." Severus sighed. "It wasn't your fault. I didn't mean to blame you about it. You went through a major shock that night, it was irresponsible of me to let you go back there. It was my fault, not yours. You can blame me, if you like."

"But it was me they were searching for yesterday," Lily said, swallowing her tears. "And I was so useless there... I couldn't do anything... and now I don't even know who's alive and who's dead..."

"I came in through a fireplace in one of the upstairs rooms," Severus said slowly. "I went through all the upstairs rooms when I searched for you, and then crossed the foyer and the room with the large fireplace before coming to the corridor where I finally found you. I didn't see anyone dead on my way. Perhaps there were no casualties. As far as I know, there were no direct orders to kill, only to capture you and get out before the rest of your lot came... although that clearly didn't go as planned..."

"Sirius is dead," Lily interrupted him, and her voice rang flat in her own ears. "Some horrible woman got him... his cousin, I think," she added, suddenly remembering the woman's haughty words as she had stood over Sirius and examined him coldly, like he had been nothing but a vermin she had gotten rid of. "We were hiding in the library, and she came in, and Sirius tried to surprise her, but she just killed him... just like that..."

Severus was quiet for a moment, and Lily tried to dry her eyes into her sleeve without him noticing. Finally Severus spoke again.

"If Black was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange, he got lucky if she simply used the Killing Curse," Severus said, sounding indifferent. "I've heard she likes to play with her victims. She likes it, you know. Killing."

Lily drew in a shaky breath.

"How can you _say_ it like that, like it doesn't even matter?" Lily sputtered and tears started falling again. Severus's indifference made her sick. "How can you say he got lucky? He's _dead_! She killed him like he was some... some... _animal."_

Lily had to bury her mouth in her palms to stop the sobs from coming again, but she couldn't help the violent trembles shaking her body. Her teeth started chattering, and she felt cold to her bones. She heard Severus shift uncomfortably next to her.

"I'm sorry," he said finally. "I just didn't really, uh, like Black." He sighed. "I'm probably not the right person to mourn him with you. Do you want me to leave?"

"N – no! Why can't you just comfort me?" Lily hiccuped between sobs. "Why do you always have to be so _cold_?"

"I... I don't know what I could do to make you feel better," Severus said, sounding helpless. "What do you want me to do?"

"I-I don't know," Lily cried, wanting him to take charge so she shouldn't have to think; wanting him to somehow pull her together when she herself wasn't capable of it. "Can't you just... hold me or something?"

She wiped her eyes and turned to look at Severus. He was sitting very close to her, wearing a black bathrobe. The skin on his neck around the new scar was glistening with water and remains of soap, courtesy to his hasty exit from the shower, and his hair was wet and pushed back, making his face look oddly revealed. His eyes were very serious as he examined her, and Lily suddenly became very aware of how ghastly she must have looked with her puffy face, and hair that was dripping potion.

"All right," Severus said slowly. But the angle of his shoulders was tense and he ran his hand through his wet hair back nervously, like he was reluctant to actually touch her. Lily turned her head away from him.

"Never mind," she hiccuped, wiping the remains of the potion off her face, and feeling self-conscious. "Forget about it." She suddenly realised how ridiculous it was to even ask Severus for something like that. He was simply bad with things requiring any sort of emotional or physical intimacy; she should have remembered. She wiped her eyes again and drew her legs up to her chest, and couldn't help but feel a little rejected and discouraged. For a moment neither of them said anything, and Lily didn't know if she wanted him to stay or leave. Finally Severus broke the silence.

"Wait," he said, getting up. He went to one of the cupboards. He rummaged around for a while, finally pulling out a large, green flask. He checked its contents against the light, then took a small glass out of another cupboard, and poured a couple of inches of the liquid inside. He returned to kneel next to Lily.

"Calamity Calm," he said in an uncharacteristically soothing tone, and pushed the glass into her hand. "I think this will make you feel better."

"But I should go and take a shower... and post the letters... and I've turned your kitchen into a mess..." Lily objected feebly, though she had to admit she wished nothing more than to drink the potion and feel her worries be washed away by whatever wonderful piece of art he had created and was now offering her.

"The kitchen doesn't matter," Severus said quietly. "And I can post the letters on your behalf. You don't have to worry about any of that. Just drink this, and you'll feel better, I promise. Okay?"

His eyes looked at her imploringly, their blackness warmer than usually. Lily nodded weakly and raised the glass to her lips, secretly glad about his insistence.

"Thanks," she muttered.

Lily thought the potion tasted vaguely familiar, and for a moment she just pondered what the familiar taste was, but as soon as she finally decided it reminded her of liquid marshmallows, the first wave of relief washed over her and a warm, content feeling took over her mind; the sort of a deep contentment that made it hard to imagine there were unpleasant things in the world - or if there was, they were somewhere far away. The potion seemed to warm up her insides, and she relaxed against the cold tiling of the kitchen floor. She wiped the last remains of tears and potion off her cheeks, thinking how ghastly she must have looked. Her hair was still covered in the exploded potion and hung limply over her eyes, and she had cried so much her whole face must be puffy. But somehow, she didn't really care. She didn't really care about anything at that moment. Severus was still observing her, his face serious and bare when his usual curtain of hair was out of his eyes.

"All right?" Severus asked in that same low, soothing tone, and Lily nodded. She liked the way he spoke, it made her feel like everything was safe and nice and steady. Severus nodded too, seeming satisfied with her response. "Good. I'll go and wash up, then you can take a shower and go to bed while I go to the store and get us something to eat. Okay? Are you all right alone?"

Lily nodded again. She got up, then slumped on the chair by the table, lifting her legs up on the chair and back against her chest, leaning her head against her knees. Now that she was relaxed, she felt very tired, and she longed to go and take a long nap.

Severus got up too, still eyeing her like he suspected she was lying to him. Then his expression softened, and he seemed to hesitate for a moment. He raised his hand and wiped a drop of potion off her forehead with soft, cool fingers, withdrawing his hand quickly, like he was afraid she would slap it away or something. Lily's forehead felt warm where his fingers had grazed at it, and a warm feeling spread inside her as she looked up at his unusually soft eyes and revealed face,

"I'll go and finish washing up," Severus said quickly. Then he frowned. "Are you sure you're all right alone?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Lily said. Severus eyed her suspiciously. She smiled a little. "I like your hair like that. I can see your face better."

Severus didn't say anything, but he raised his hand and again ran it through his wet hair.

"See you in a moment," he muttered and then turned on his heels and left the kitchen. She heard him go back upstairs, and then the bathroom door closed again. She listened to the sounds of the pipes gurgling in the walls for a while, and felt very cosy. It wasn't long before Severus reappeared from the shower. He looked a little odd wearing a Muggle shirt and dress trousers, and Lily was a little disappointed to notice that his hair was now dry and hanging on both sides of his face as per usual.

"I'm going to the store now," he told Lily. "Are those ready?" He nodded towards the rolls of parchment on the table in front of Lily.

"Yeah," Lily said.

He walked over to the table and took the letters. "I'll go and send these while I'm at it. You can't possibly send them all with just one post owl anyway. If you want, go and take a shower and then go to bed. I'll come and wake you up when I'm back."

He turned to leave, but then stopped and turned on his heels. He hesitated for a moment.

"You are safe here, all right?" He said softly. "Nobody can Apparate inside the house - not without my wand anyway. And if somebody unwelcome crosses the line I've drawn around the house, an alarm goes off. See, there?" He pointed somewhere over Lily, and she turned her head towards the window. It took her a moment before she realised he was pointing at a large bell Lily hadn't noticed before, which was hanging on the wall over the window. "If you hear that ringing, somebody's crossed the line. If that happens, I want you to hide. All right?"

"Yeah, all right," Lily said, and suddenly felt warm and a little moved when she realised he _was_ trying to comfort her, in his own way. It was exactly what she needed and wanted; the feeling that somebody still cared.

"I won't be long," Severus said. He turned to take his leave. Lily heard him go to the mudroom, and soon the front door closed, and she was alone.

Dreaming of a bed, Lily dragged herself up the stairs and into the bathroom, thinking of the last time she had been there, just a week ago, though it might as well been years ago. She washed herself sloppily, paying attention only to scrubbing the remains of blood and potion off her skin and hair, and then eyed around herself for a bathrobe. Only the black bathrobe Severus had been wearing earlier when he had come downstairs was hanging from the rack by the bath, and Lily dried it with James's wand and wrapped it around herself. She didn't quite dare to dry her hair out of fear that the wand would set her hair in flames or something, but she hastily ran a towel through her hair until it was half-dry.

She then sneaked into the bedroom next to the bathroom where she had changed her clothes a week before, and finally, there it was: the bed. Lily crawled among the covers and buried her face in the pillows which smelled exactly of Severus; like the soap he used, and like something soothing, homey and masculine which was all him, and which made her feel safe and calm. She cocooned herself in his comforter and closed her eyes. She was asleep in seconds.


	24. Sunday breakfast

I'm really sorry it's been ages since I updated! Many of you thought I've abandoned the story all together, but this was not the case. This chapter was really important to me because it sets the mood for the future, and I ended up writing like 30 pages of it (now it's divided in two different chapters) and then got utterly stuck with it. Something just wasn't right with it, and I couldn't make up my mind what it was.

Then we started renovating our kitchen which completely killed my creativity since I've pretty much been living in a construction yard for the last two weeks, which hasn't been fun at all. Dusty, and smelling of wood varnish, yes, but not fun. However, the kitchen is now ready, the flat is clean and tidy, and I can finally concentrate again.

Incidentally I also figured out what was wrong with what I had written while it was 'on hold', so I re-worked both of the following chapters, and I'm back now and will update the second part much, much sooner!

 **Happened previously** : Following the Death Eater attack to Potter Manor, Lily Apparated to Severus's house together with him. After she healed the injuries he had sustained, they agreed she will stay in his house, where she is presumably safe from the Death Eaters looking for her. He offered her Calamity Calm to help her get over her initial shock over Sirius's death, and she crawled to his bed for a nap while he left for the store.

""

 _My heart moves from cold to fire._

 _I love you only because it's you the one I love;_  
 _I hate you deeply, and hating you_  
 _Bend to you..._

 _-Pablo Neruda_

""

Early on Sunday morning Severus woke up to find himself from the bed in the cluttered, stuffy bedroom that had once belonged to his parents. He blinked and peered at his watch through half-closed lids, still feeling quite dazed and tired. He had to squint at the clock face for some time until he concluded it was six o'clock; the room was bathed in nearly total darkness which made it hard to make out much anything. He heard the rhythmic drumming of rain beating the roof above himself, but otherwise it was quiet, much too early on a Sunday for the deserted neighbourhood to be awake yet.

Having slept uninterrupted and deeply for once, Severus was tempted to just roll over and fall back asleep, but the dusty smell of the old pillowcases and the sharp drumming of the rain disturbed him, and so he swung his legs out of the bed and rose to a sitting position, only to sit there under blankets for a few moments more, long enough to clear his head. Despite having a habit of waking up early, Severus didn't consider himself to be what one would call a morning person, but this morning his usual worry over work had become replaced by a sense of odd calmness. Even the piles and piles of clutter surrounding the bed, which last night had invoked unpleasant feelings and memories of his parents, now didn't seem to bother him all that much. Nothing did, because Lily was in his house, somewhere beyond the feeble walls separating them. In his bed, possibly.

Upon remembering how he had come home the day before, only to find Lily fast asleep in his bed with his bathrobe wrapped around herself, the last ripples of his sleepiness vanished. Severus held his breath and pricked up his ears, trying in vain to hear Lily breathe or toss around in his bed or just _exist_ , but naturally all he could hear was the sound of rain hitting the slate tiles on the roof above his head. Finally Severus pushed the dusty comforter off his lap, and after groping around the floor without finding his wand, touched the wick of a candle on the bedside table next to him with his finger. A flame burst out of it, bathing the room in its flickering light which made Severus blink. He reached for his robes which he had folded on the chair next to the bed, and paid no attention to the piles of cardboard boxes, or the old TV by the window, half-covered by his mother's old coat and dresses. Finding his wand from the floor, he pushed it into his pocket and then sneaked quietly to the door, which opened with a low screeching noise that made him grimace and hold his breath.

The hallway outside the bedroom was windowless and therefore shrouded in nearly absolute darkness, the faint light of the lone candle alight in his bedroom not reaching far along the corridor. Severus couldn't see anything, but he glided soundlessly over the wooden floors with the aptitude of a person who had lived in the same house all his life, avoiding all the creaky floorboards. Eager to wash the dust of the stuffy bedroom off his hair and skin, he made his way towards the bathroom near the stairway, and absent-mindedly swiped his fingers over his bedroom door on his way, expecting to find the door closed the way he had left it the day before, after his half-hearted, ultimately failed attempts at waking Lily up. But the door gave way under his fingers, and he stopped in his tracks when he realised it was slightly ajar. He pushed it open.

"Lily?" He whispered quietly and tried to make out anything in the dark bedroom. She didn't answer, and so he lit up his wand and entered quietly, partly covering the light with his sleeve so it wouldn't wake her up, in case she still remained asleep. When he moved closer to the bed, abrupt fear grasped the pit of his stomach as he finally made out the wrinkled covers and pillows cast aside. The bed was empty. Lily was gone.

For a second Severus simply stood there, aiming at the corners of the room with his wand, although not truly expecting its light to reveal Lily, until his body kicked into action and he rushed out of the bedroom, making his way towards the staircase. He had been so stupid! Of course she hadn't slept this long - if she had, she would have been asleep for almost 24 hours straight! She had probably sneaked out while he had been asleep. She had left him after all. He felt the terrible grasp of dread in his heart at the prospect of her being who knew where; captured, possibly.

He groped his way down the stairs, but stopped half-way down to stare at the yellow light from the chandelier in the kitchen, which was reflecting on the glass front of the grandfather clock under the stairs. Immediately after noticing the light, he heard the sounds of someone walking in the kitchen, the bubbling sound of boiling water, and quiet slams when the cupboards were opened and closed. Severus slumped limply against the wall of the stairway, and for a moment just listened to the unmistakeably domestic sounds of Lily moving around in the kitchen. Thank Merlin, he thought and ran his hand over his face, wiping cold sweat off his forehead. She was still here. As he tried to calm his still-galloping heart, Severus suddenly realised just how frightened he had been for a moment. He turned off the light in his wand and pushed it back in his pocket. Then he turned quietly on his heels and climbed back upstairs and disappeared into the bathroom, feeling slightly embarrassed at his reaction.

Severus stripped out of his robes and stepped into the bath, turning the shower on as cold as it got, and then stood under the repulsively chilly water trying to calm his palpitating heart; but his explosive anxiety had driven out his earlier calmness for good, and he was now gripped by worry over the living arrangements. All throughout Saturday when Lily had slept, he had been euphorically congratulating himself over the fact that Lily had promised to stay with him, that she had asked him to hold her even – though he had failed to get over his shock soon enough to actually do it, a mistake he wouldn't do twice - and that Lily had broken up with Potter. The sudden new living arrangement which had offered Severus more strokes of luck than he had ever in his wildest dreams dared to hope for, had fuelled his dreams and fantasies for the entire day and long into the evening when he had laid in bed. But his fantasies were now running out, and the knowledge of the impending talks and – without a doubt – failing attempts at communication between them weighed Severus down, and he felt another kind of fear, unlike his earlier burst of panic, gripping him. His lack of suaveness and tact might easily cost him dearly if he made as much as one mistake. The problem was, every time he lost his temper, he made mistakes. Every single time. And each of them had driven Lily away even further. Severus was very aware that the impending meeting with Lily would set the mood for, potentially, the rest of her stay, and he couldn't afford to make any mistakes. So, by Merlin, if she wanted to yell at him, he'd just have to take it without losing his own temper. If she wanted him to hold her again, he'd have to turn off his brain and simply do it. If she wanted to ignore him, he would have to accept that too, and give her time to approach him. Severus washed himself, the pit of his stomach prickling uncomfortably at the thought of having to give up all control over the situation.

When he had become so cold he was trembling under the icy water, Severus climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his midriff and wiped the steamy surface of the bathroom mirror, critically taking in his appearance for the first time in a long time. The new purplish scar which travelled across his neck and upper torso did nothing for his looks, he decided, quickly changing into his robes and buttoning up the high collar to cover it. And there was the matter of his nose, which he usually paid no attention to, but which now seemed to look even more enormous and hooked than he had remembered. And had he always had such dark eye-circles? Severus couldn't remember when was the last time he had actually looked at himself from the mirror – around the time he had admired the newly minted Mark on his arm, probably – and he had to conclude that despite blissfully having forgotten what he actually looked like, he still had hardly anything to offer Lily in the looks department. The single thing he considered even slightly impressive about his physique was safely tucked inside his robes and he'd most likely never get to present that particular part of his body to Lily, thanks to the rest of his looks. After glaring at his blurry reflection in disgust and hating his unfortunate genetics, Severus tried to comb his hair into something presentable that Lily might like, and finally left it wet and pushed back, the way it had been the day before when she had deliriously complimented it. As he threw one last look at the mirror, he felt exposed and a little ridiculous, but decided that he was by no means beneath employing such desperate means to make himself more attractive to her.

The cold steam in the bathroom made Severus's robes cling against his skin uncomfortably, and so he couldn't linger behind the locked door for long. Sneering at his reflection one last time, he exited the bathroom into the considerably drier air of the hallway, and started descending the stairs. On his way, Severus was suddenly stricken with how small and dingy the house was, and his mood turned even gloomier when he thought of what she must think about having to stay there after living in an actual mansion for months. He promptly vanished every unsightly spiderweb dangling inconspicuously from the lamps and ceiling as he made his way downstairs. He could hear Lily still moving in the kitchen, and the cold shower clearly hadn't helped him as much as he had hoped it would, because he felt his skin turn sweaty and clammy inside his robes as he arrived to the bottom of the stairs and approached the kitchen door.

The kitchen was full of light, and smelled of coffee and toast, and Severus stopped in his tracks when he entered it. It currently looked a world away from the dark hallway or the creaky stairway where spiderwebs dangled in the passing draft, and Severus briefly experienced a distinct feeling that he had entered the kitchen in some weird parallel universe where the place actually looked quite nice. The candles of the large chandelier were flickering happily, and the surrounding counters and the table were cluttered with the contents of the fridge he had filled the day before. Bustling in the middle of it all was Lily. She had swung around when he entered the kitchen, holding a mug in her hands. She briefly looked a little startled at his sudden appearance, but seemed to get over it quite quickly. She was still wearing his black, over-sized bathrobe, but looked like she had been awake for some time. She wiped hair off her face and gave him an appraising look, which he returned.

"You're awake early," Lily said, and her eyes flickered above the door to glance at the clock.

"Yes," Severus said lamely. "Good morning."

For a moment they continued to awkwardly stare at each other, and Severus felt more exposed than ever for not having his usual curtain of hair to hide his face behind. It seemed like Lily felt similarly exposed, because she sneaked her hand to her waist and tightened the bathrobe around herself. She had a somewhat dishevelled appearance, but Severus didn't mind it at all; instead he had to trample the inappropriate desire to go and give her a long, hot, wet kiss. He straightened his back stiffly and tried to look like he didn't care about how luscious she looked in his bathrobe. Lily's eyes skimmed him over, but he couldn't tell what she was thinking. But then Lily flashed him a slight, weary smile and set the mug she had been holding on the table.

"I made breakfast," Lily said unnecessarily and pointed at the table. Her tone was light. "I didn't think you'd wake up this early though. I'll get you a plate."

"It's all right, I can get it myself," Severus hurried to say, but she had already turned back towards the cupboard, pulling out another mug and a plate, which she set on the table. As she straightened herself, she gave him another long, exploratory glance which made Severus self-consciously run a hand through his wet hair, before turning her back on him to fish a pair of forks and knives from a drawer, placing them on the table. When she straightened, Severus noticed that despite the ample amounts of sleep, also she had dark eye circles.

"You didn't have to do all this," Severus said quickly, feeling a little awkward as he turned his eyes towards all the food on the table. There were plates full of toast, slices of apples, oranges and watermelon, poached eggs and sausages, and crispy slices of fried bacon, all of it surrounded by the yellow glow of a spell that kept everything warm. The arrangement reminded Severus rather of Hogwarts, and it was unlike anything this particular kitchen had ever witnessed before. He vaguely remembered how, as teenagers when they had had breakfast together, Lily had simply fished out a few crumbling pieces of toast from the toaster and dug out a couple of yoghurts from the fridge, which they had eaten sitting cross-legged on her sitting room carpet or lounging on the patio if it was sunny. This elaborate feast was a world away from that. The yellow light from the chandelier, and the table covered in breakfast made the kitchen look utterly unfamiliar, and Severus felt oddly like a visitor in his own kitchen.

"Well... the fridge was so crammed I couldn't make everything fit again. And anyway, I didn't have anything else to do," Lily said without waiting for an answer and gave half a shrug. Severus thought she sounded a little nervous. "I woke up at three in the morning," Lily continued. "You know, since I didn't wake up from my nap yesterday." She eyed Severus with a mildly blaming look.

"Sorry," he said and tried to keep his face as expressionless as possible, the memory of her pale leg peeking out from under his covers flashing in his mind. "I did try to wake you, but you threw a pillow at me and told me to get out and leave you alone. So I, uh, figured you needed the sleep."

"Oh... sorry. I don't remember doing that," Lily muttered.

"I don't think you were awake, exactly. You sounded a little... strange."

"Right," Lily said and flushed a little. "I didn't say anything else, did I?"

"Such as?" Severus asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Never mind," Lily muttered. "Uh... coffee?"

"It's all right," Severus said, remembering with a stab of irrational irritation that she was, of course, still using Potter's wand. It hung limply in her hand and reminded Severus unpleasantly of all the times Potter had wielded the wand against him. He wrenched his eyes away from it and went to sit down at the table. "It's better you use that wand as little as possible so you don't blow anything up. I'll get it..."

"I wouldn't have needed a wand to do it," Lily muttered.

In truth, Severus couldn't have cared less about any potential coffee pot explosions, he just wanted the damn wand out of his sight. It was incredible that Potter managed to haunt him some way or another even now when he should have been completely erased from the picture. Though Severus was, even to his own surprise, somewhat relieved he hadn't killed Potter (especially after hearing he and Lily were no longer an item) he wouldn't have minded if Potter had died by someone else's hand. The idea that Lily was stuck using something as personal as Potter's wand made Severus uncomfortable, and just its presence in his house made his mood take a turn for the worse. But to his irritation, as Lily came to sit down opposite him, she settled the wand on the table next to her, where it laid in front of Severus like James Potter's long, obscene middle finger. Severus couldn't help his lips curling downwards as he stared at its mahogany carvings and slightly worn handle; he could easily picture Potter's hand around the offending item. As he dug out his own wand to summon the coffee pot, he became consumed by a nearly irresistible, childish desire to poke at the other wand with it until it burst into flames or chipped into tiny little wooden splinters. Just as he had thought of it, a couple of angry red sparks erupted from the tip of Potter's wand and charred the surface of the table, making Severus wonder if the wand was somehow aware of his malicious thoughts.

"Honestly, this wand is impossible!" Lily huffed incredulously and smoothed the surface of the table with her finger (the burn marks disappeared). "I'm not even touching it and it's still trying to wreak havoc!"

"Considering who its owner is, I'm somehow not even slightly surprised," Severus said gloomily, getting a tight-lipped glance from Lily in return. He turned to wave his own wand at the coffee pot, which promptly jumped up from the stove. Lily crammed Potter's wand into her robes and looked miserable.

They watched in uncomfortable silence as the coffee pot painstakingly slowly floated through the air and started to leisurely empty its contents into their cups, like it was some particularly fascinating display of magic. Neither of them said anything. Severus kept peeking at Lily from the corner of his eye. The loose bathrobe around her made her look twice as fragile as usual, and he realised he had scarcely ever seen her look so dishevelled and strained. He wondered slightly nervously if she wanted to talk some more about Black's unexpected death. He hoped not; the rain was sharply drumming against the window-glass next to them, setting an ominous backdrop for a conversation involving lots of crying and awkwardness on his part. There were other questions he wanted to ask her too; other conversations they were yet to have, but Lily's downturned lips and slightly puffy eyes made the words die on his tongue.

"Did you manage to sleep all right?" Severus finally asked her.

"Why, did I do something?" Lily asked, pinning the intensive gaze of her green eyes on him. They were even greener than usual against the purplish hue of her eye circles.

"Uh..." Severus said, perplexed. "No... why, what do you mean?"

"Nothing. I slept all right, thanks," Lily said. "And you?"

"Fine, thanks," Severus muttered, feeling deflated as he couldn't think of anything else to say, at least nothing that didn't include recent events that might upset Lily.

When the coffee cups were filled and the pot had happily settled on the table between them and Lily continued to remain quiet, Severus reached out to grab a piece of toast from the plate set on the table between them. Unfortunately, Lily had decided to do the same, and their hands touched above the plate; Severus jerked at the unexpected contact of her skin on his, and Lily pulled her hand away like his skin was made out of burning ember. Startled and feeling even more deflated, Severus reached for the jug of milk instead. But Lily had decided to do the same, and so the same thing happened again. Lily smiled stiffly at him.

"After you," Severus muttered nervously and pushed both his hands deep into his pockets, determined to not fumble around the table again until she had taken whatever she intended.

"Thanks," Lily said and quickly grabbed a slice of toast and started buttering it. When her hands were safely on her side of the table, Severus mimicked her.

When the silence stretched on and on, and started to feel seriously oppressing, Severus wondered if he should just grab the bull by the horns and bring up the new living situation with her, or ask her if she wanted to talk some more about what had happened at the Potter manor. It felt quite surreal to sit at a breakfast table with her, with her clad in his bathrobe like this was the morning after to some of his unsavoury little fantasies (but, of course, it wasn't), and he couldn't help but feel like the calmness might any moment now explode into a fierce row or hysteric crying from her side. But Lily seemed to have decided to pretend like them having breakfast was a completely ordinary occurrence instead of something they had last done some four years ago, when Severus had popped by the Evans' on some summer morning or the other, and so Severus just settled on munching his toast and remaining quiet. The wind was howling against the window, through the sounds of the rain, and Severus didn't need to peek behind the curtain to guess there was a storm outside.

"Did you post all the letters yesterday?" Lily finally asked him, and Severus immediately tensed up. She asked it too nonchalantly, like she didn't really even care. He remembered that tone very well. _Why are you late, Sev? Did you meet Mulciber again, Sev? What was that book you were reading just now?_ It was nonchalant, but the undertone was something else. _Don't make any mistakes_ , he reminded himself.

"Yeah," Severus said in a slightly reserved tone. "Didn't you find your parents's reply? It arrived yesterday afternoon – I left it on the table?"

"Oh, yeah," Lily said in a nonchalant tone. "Yeah, I found that. And I found Madam Cattrell's reply too. It's just that..."

"What?" Severus asked her, though already guessing the reason behind her strange demeanour. His pulse quickened.

"Well..." Lily said and bit her lip. "It's just... James hasn't replied, and..."

"And you thought I might not have sent the letter you wrote him?" Severus said, and though he tried to calm himself, he couldn't help the slightly spiteful tone creeping into his voice.

"No!" Lily said. "No, that's not what I meant... but... but you did, didn't you?"

"I did," Severus said. He took a sip of his coffee and avoided her gaze.

"Of course you did," Lily hurried to say, and she sounded a little apologetic. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so suspicious. It's just that I keep wondering why he hasn't replied yet... and I guess I was just... almost _hoping_ you hadn't posted the letter..."

"Because now you think he might have gotten killed instead," Severus finished her sentence. _I can't say I would cry over the loss,_ he thought but managed with effort to keep the words from rolling off his tongue. Lily sighed and looked even more tired than before. She didn't answer immediately, and instead reached to slightly open the curtain of the window. It was much too dark to see anything except the streaks of rainwater running across the glass, and so she let the curtain fall back over the window. Severus continued to gaze at her instead, scrutinising her, trying to interpret what she was feeling.

"Yeah," Lily finally said absent-mindedly. "I was still kind of buzzed when I woke up - thanks for the potion, by the way - anyway, I managed to not really think all that much. But I think it's starting to wear off now, and all I can think is that I'm stuck here without knowing what's happened."

She turned to look at Severus.

"You couldn't go and find out from... you know? Your... lot?" She asked a little breathlessly, and Severus had the distinct impression she had wanted to ask it of him ever since he had entered the kitchen. Her eyes were pleading and for a second Severus almost found himself agreeing. But then he shook his head.

"No, I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "Not today, anyway. I wasn't supposed to know about when the, uh, mission took place, so it would be very suspicious if I showed up a day later and started asking questions. But I can ask around next week."

Lily's shoulders slumped in defeat but she nodded. "All right, then. Next week."

"I hope you'll settle in here," Severus said nervously after another moment's silence, deciding to carefully approach the subject of her indefinite stay, because he had a nagging feeling like the subject was hanging between them, intangible but thick as fog. "The house isn't, uh, at its prime -" his eyes scanned over the spiderwebs hanging from the ceiling and the crack in the wall behind Lily and he cringed slightly "- but make yourself at home."

"Oh, right, about that," Lily said suddenly, and turned her eyes towards him. She sounded more like herself now, the pretentious airiness long gone from her tone. She frowned. "I meant to ask you. I think I must have stolen your bedroom from you. Sorry – I wasn't thinking straight when I went to bed. Your bedroom, I mean," she added hastily and her cheeks reddened slightly.

"It's all right. You can stay there," Severus said quickly. "I'll just move my personal belongings to my parents' old bedroom."

Lily's face fell.

"But I wouldn't feel right -"

"I insist," Severus said, thinking he'd be damned if he let Lily stay in the cluttered bedroom full of his family photographs and his mother's old girdles and dresses. "I've moved most of my parents's belongings to their old bedroom. I'll finally get a good excuse to sort them."

"But what about the third bedroom?" Lily asked him.

Severus's eyes flickered in hers.

"The one that's here, downstairs?" She continued. "At the end of the hallway?"

"Oh, that," Severus said. He was quiet for a moment.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to go snooping around or anything," Lily said quickly and sounded apologetic. "I was just bored after I woke up, and I started wondering what was behind the door, and so I peeked inside. I was quite surprised there was a third bedroom, actually. You don't often see bedrooms on the first floor."

"This house was originally built for the factory workers," Severus said quietly. "There were three men living in each house - that's why there's another shower room downstairs, too. The layout is not typical for a family home." He ran his hand through his hair. It was starting to dry, and he had the sudden urge to push his hair back over his eyes. "But no, the downstairs bedroom is no good." Lily raised her eyebrows. "Mould," he added quickly.

Lily wrinkled her nose, and Severus cursed the fact he couldn't have come up with a better lie on the spot, something which would have made the house seem less like a dump.

"You could get rid of it, you know," Lily said. "It's a pretty basic spell, really. But all right. I'll stay in your bedroom, then. If you're sure..."

"I am," Severus said, relieved she didn't push the issue. "And you don't have to worry about 'snooping around'. Feel free to do what you want here."

Lily gave him a small but genuine-looking smile, which made Severus's heart skip a beat.

"Thanks," she said quietly. "Despite everything that's happened, I really -"

But she was interrupted by a sharp knock on the window, which made them both jump a little. A soft hooting sound echoed through the sounds of rain. Severus had jumped up and pulled out his wand before realising that any impending attack would most likely not arrive via owl post. Lily stood up and pulled the curtain away from the window, revealing the large, mildly blaming eyes of a soaked owl perched on the windowsill. It raised one of its legs to reveal a large parchment in its claws. Severus pushed his wand back in his pocket.

"It must be from James!" Lily breathed in relief. "Finally! Thank God - he must be all right then!"

She tried to wrestle open the window, but the worn wooden window frames were swollen with humidity and didn't budge. The owl was flapping its wings in irritation – water droplets spun off its feathers and splashed against the window - and screeched a clear command to let it inside. Severus helped Lily push the window open, and the table immediately became covered in water which rained inside at an angle which left half their breakfast soggy. The owl flew inside and flapped its wings so hard that cold droplets rained on top of both of them. It dropped the parchment on top of Lily's toast and then slumped on the table, looking very content to be inside. It was half-feral looking, and Severus suspected it wasn't a trained post owl, but rather some unfortunate bird the writer of the letter had managed to catch from the wilderness for post delivering purposes. Severus closed the window while Lily snagged the parchment and rolled it open with trembling hands. She flopped back down on her chair to read. But her face fell slightly when her eyes skimmed over the writing.

"It's not from James – it's from Remus," she said. "But hang on... James is alive, he's with Remus! Oh, thank God! Remus says that James is not feeling well... oh... he couldn't write to me. But they are at a secret location and he can come and pick me up if I want to see James... oh, great, I'll get my wand back..."

"It may be a trap," Severus interrupted quietly. Lily raised her eyes from the letter in apparent surprise. "Lupin might be trying to lure you out."

Lily's expression changed and her lips tightened.

"This is not the time for your prejudice," she said, quite sharply. "Just because you don't _like_ him -"

"This has nothing to do with my personal feelings towards Lupin," Severus said. "But he might well be under the Imperio and act against his own will."

Lily's eyed widened, and she held on to the parchment so hard that it crumbled slightly.

"Oh," she said simply.

"If Death Eaters captured someone at the Potter manor, it's entirely possible, even probable, that they have cast an Imperio on their prisoners," Severus continued cautiously. "Therefore, if Lupin is under their control and you go and meet him, he might capture you himself."

"But... but doesn't that mean I can't meet any of them?" Lily asked, in shock. "Not even James?"

 _Yes, that's what exactly what it means. You can't ever see Potter again, never ever,_ Severus thirsted to confirm, but again managed to hold his tongue.

"You ought to just try and be patient," he said reluctantly. "I can find out what's happened in a few days."

Lily looked terribly anxious and bit her lip. She turned to stare at the owl, which had seemed to survive its wet journey pretty well, and was now sitting in the middle of a plate full of sausages and was now using its contents as a breakfast buffet. But then Lily's face brightened.

"But Dumbledore will know!" She exclaimed so loudly that the owl gave her a disapproving look and dropped the sausage it was trying to gorge down. "I mean, surely Dumbledore will find out what's happened, otherwise the Order will simply cease to exist! He has to have some sort of a backup plan in case something like this happens!"

"Perhaps," Severus said non-committally. "Meanwhile, try and calm down. You can't go and meet Lupin until you're sure. And there's not much you can do about it right now, not when you're stuck here."

"I know, that's what bothers me," Lily said and frowned. "I wish I could do something. I _want_ to do something. Anything to help..." her voice trailed, and she swallowed. For a moment she looked lost in her thoughts. But then she glanced at Severus with a weird, evaluating look on her face. Severus got the impression that she had only now realised that they weren't strictly speaking on the same side. Severus stiffened too, realising that this was another subject that they were bound to discuss further at some point, but he was reluctant to approach such a loaded subject as of yet, out of fear Lily's indefinite stay would swiftly turn into a short sitting of breakfast before she rushed out of his house in anger. But to his relief, Lily seemed to think along the same lines and so she turned her eyes away from him and left the subject alone. She folded the letter and pushed it into the pocket of the bathrobe.

"I'll let him back out," Lily said, nodding at the owl, and rose again to open the window. The owl looked positively offended as Lily gently poked at it to guide it towards the rainy outside. "Oh, go on," Lily said, and the owl tried to take a bite of her poking fingers as though they were a paler version of the breakfast sausages it had just been enjoying, and hooted angrily.

"Let it stay," Severus said. "You might want to write to Lupin later."

"Oh, that's right," Lily said and sounded a little embarrassed, ceasing her efforts. "I feel like I've lost half of my brain cells in the last week or so. I can't think straight at all."

Lily closed the window and the owl swaggered back towards the plates, giving Lily a contemptuous look as it took a bite of her toast.

"Well, it seems like I'm done with my breakfast," Lily said and smiled lukewarmly, as she watched the last remains of her toast disappear into the owl's mouth. "Well, I wasn't all that hungry anyway. The fridge was so full I couldn't make a bag of pears fit again after opening it. I wound up eating half of them."

"I wasn't sure what you wanted to eat," Severus said nervously. "So I got a bit of everything."

"I noticed," Lily said. "I think you over-estimated how much I eat, though. Oh, well, _you_ could do with some food, I guess."

She poured herself another coffee and sipped at it, eyeing his body like it was much too thin for her taste, which immediately made Severus feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable. Severus turned to stare at the owl, which was now drinking water from his glass.

"Do you watch TV?" Severus asked her to change the subject.

"The telly?" Lily repeated, sounding confused at the sudden change of subject. She frowned. "Sometimes. Why - something good on?"

"No," Severus said and then smiled slightly. "Well, I wouldn't know. It's not really my thing."

"I thought so," Lily said and eyed him with a somewhat amused look on her face. "Thank God. I thought you were going to recommend some ghastly documentary about flora photosynthesis or toad gutting or something. Then why do you ask?"

"Well, since you'll be spending some time inside the house..." Severus said cautiously. "Well, seeing as you don't have a job, and... anyway. I can set it up for you if you'd like. It might take your mind off things."

"Oh," Lily said, and a dark look passed over her eyes briefly, before she banished it and smiled forcedly. "Yeah, why not. It's been a while since I've watched it anyway. Might as well catch up on the latest shows, huh?"

She sounded falsely cheerful again, but Severus could sense the tinge of sadness underneath as she eyed the cupboards and the grey curtain over the window. She probably wasn't all that thrilled about remaining in his house watching TV with no contact with the outside world, while such big things were going on. Severus didn't really know how to console her – after all, he himself would go bonkers if he was in her shoes, and he suspected his (apparently) mould-infested, gloomy house didn't make her feel any better.

"If you need anything else, just ask me," he said sincerely. "I'm not exactly used to, uh, hosting, but I hope you'll feel at home here. As much as possible, anyway," he added, thinking that if he himself didn't feel at home in his own house, it was unlikely that Lily would warm up to it either.

"Yeah, why not," Lily said in a higher-than-usual tone. She laughed shortly. "I mean. I've lost my entire life, including my job... and all my friends might be dead. And now I'm living back in Cokeworth, with a Death Eater. But hey..."

She laughed again. Severus averted his eyes, and didn't know what to say. Lily fidgeted in her chair and snorted slightly, like she was trying to reign in laughter. Then she was quiet for a moment and hugged herself.

"I'm sorry," Lily said after a moment's silence. Her voice sounded a little strangled. "I don't know why I said that. That sounded really ungrateful, and I didn't mean it like that. I'm thankful for everything, really. Thank you. Thank you for coming to get me out of there. And... and for helping me last weekend, too."

"Don't mention it," Severus said quietly. He got up. "I'll go and set up the TV."

Severus left the room quickly, leaving Lily to sit with the owl, which had started to busy itself with his toast. He dug out the TV from below a pile of his mother's old clothing. He tossed them aside and guided the TV downstairs with his wand. When he returned, Lily had moved to the sitting room and was now inspecting a pile of books on the side table. She cast an anxious glance at him, and Severus could tell she was afraid he had gotten upset at her.

"Do you need a hand?" She asked him shyly, and he shook his head.

"No, thank you," he said. "I don't think pushing the plug into a socket requires two persons."

"Unless it's the start to a really poor joke," Lily said nervously and tried to smile, and he smiled back rather dryly.

He set the TV on a bookcase and crouched down to pull the chord towards an outlet hidden behind the bookcase. Truth be told, sneaking it behind the bookcase was harder than he had anticipated, and he had to sneakily use magic to fit the plug behind the tiny crack between the bookcase and the wall; however he assumed he managed to do it without Lily noticing.

"You have a lot of books about languages," Lily noted, seeming determined to hold up some sort of a conversation. Severus glanced around and saw that she had opened the _Ancient Philology of Britannica_ he had brought home with him from work. He made a vague sound in his throat and turned back towards the TV. He heard Lily shuffle through the pages and then set the book back down.

"I've got to pop by my parents'," Lily said suddenly. He turned around with the chord still in hand.

"I beg you pardon?" He said incredulously.

"Well, I don't have any clothes, as you can see," Lily said a little surly, gesturing at the bathrobe around herself. "Unless you count that crusty, torn, blood-covered thing I wore when I arrived."

"You can wear my mother's clothes," Severus said and straightened himself after quickly plugging the chord into the point. "It's a _really_ bad idea for you to go outside."

"Look, as much as I love your mum's fashion sense," Lily said dryly, "the clothes don't fit me at all. She was a lot skinnier and taller than I am. I can probably make do for a few days with them and the clothes I happened to have with me when I arrived, but I'm going to need more eventually. And my parents are expecting me to show up eventually, anyway."

"So, you're willing to risk your life for some stupid bloody clothes?" Severus said, unable to contain his angry tone, and stood up. "What if somebody attacks you when you go there!"

"Well, what do you expect me to do then, hang around the house in my underwear?" Lily asked him. Severus wouldn't have objected to this option at all, but Lily's sour face revealed she probably wouldn't take his agreement kindly.

"I'll go and buy you clothes, then," Severus said desperately.

"What's my size?" Lily asked him, cocking an eyebrow.

"Eh..." Severus said, and quickly measured her with his eyes. Lily crossed her arms and stared at him with an expecting look on her face. Feeling like he was sailing in dangerous waters, Severus decided to proceed with caution.

"Small?" He suggested warily.

"In _inches,_ Severus. You're getting me robes, not a poncho!" Lily said and pursed her lips. Severus's eyes skimmed over the bare triangle of her chest and her hips which were currently hidden under his bathrobe, and to his horror, he felt himself flushing vigorously. Lily relaxed her stance and sighed, and Severus hoped she hadn't noticed.

"Never mind," Lily said. "You're not going to go shop my clothes for me! I'm sorry, but the things you'll bring me... I might as well wear your mum's clothes, I guess."

"I wouldn't bring you clothes my mum would wear," Severus said defensively, thinking that the sort of clothes he'd prefer to dress Lily up in would be much more revealing than his mother ever would have worn. But he had to admit his eye for ladies' robes probably wasn't the most refined.

"All right, then," he agreed with a frown after thinking it over for a moment. "You can go and visit your parents to get some clothes. But I'm coming with you."

"What, to my parents'?" Lily asked and cocked her eyebrow again.

"If I must," Severus said.

"And how will that look?" Lily said. "They think I'm staying with a friend from school!"

"Well, you are," Severus said.

"Right," Lily said and eyed him like he had lost his mind. "But if I tell them I'm staying with a friend and then bring you over, they're going to think I'm staying with _you_!"

"Well, you _are_ ," Severus said dryly, and now it was his turn to cock his eyebrow.

"But I don't want them to know that!"

"And why not?"

"Because you're a bloke!"

"It didn't seem to bother you before," Severus said and crossed his arms. "As a matter of fact, it didn't seem to bother your parents either. So I don't see why they would care now."

"Yeah, when we were fifteen! But it's different now!" Lily said. She set down the book she was holding and fixed a determined look on him. "Especially because they know we haven't hung out in years. They would get the wrong idea if I brought you over all of a sudden."

"And _what_ idea would that be?" Severus asked coolly, though full well aware what she meant. He received some type of dark pleasure at seeing the awkward, embarrassed look on Lily's face, and he wanted to push her into saying it out loud. She flushed but didn't take the bait.

"Well, you know," she said vaguely. She then turned her eyes away. "You can escort me over if that makes you feel better, but you can't come in."

"All right," Severus said curtly. "It's better they don't know about me anyway. Safer for everyone."

He then pointed his wand at the TV, and the picture came on; a smiling newsanchor reading the news.

" _...rainy weather will continue until Tuesday afternoon..._ " the newsanchor said and shuffled her papers. Severus flicked his wand and the channel changed into a daytime soap opera, where two women were having a heated argument over some man.

"Your TV," Severus said a little scornfully as the other woman threw a drink in the other's face. "Enjoy."

"What are you going to do then?" Lily asked him.

"I'm going to read that book, actually," Severus said and pointed at the _Ancient Philology of Britannica_ which Lily had set on the side table. He wordlessly Accio'd the book to himself and smiled dryly. "It's a captivating read."

"I'm sure," Lily muttered. "I could hardly contain myself."

"Excuse me," Severus said and turned to leave the room, leaving Lily to stand in the sitting room by the TV.

"Wait!" Lily called after him.

Severus turned back around and raised his eyebrows. Lily's face had fallen and she was biting her lip. "You don't have to go – I mean, you can stay and read here, can't you?"

"The TV is a little distracting," Severus said quietly, though his blood had turned a degree hotter in his veins as he realised Lily wanted him to stay with her _._ What did that mean? Was she simply shaken by the recent events, or did she actually want to spend time with him? He couldn't tell her motives from her wide, anxious eyes, but was again stricken by how fragile and small she looked in his bathrobe, among the dark, heavy furniture surrounding her.

"I don't really fancy watching the telly anyway," Lily said and looked a little embarrassed. She flicked her hand and the TV turned itself off. "So there won't be any noise."

"What are you going to do then?" Severus asked her, puzzled.

"Read," Lily said quickly. She eyed the towering bookcases surrounding them from all sides, and snagged a book randomly from the nearest bookcase.

"' _Swamp flora and fauna: a splendid symbiosis'_ , yeah, I think I'll just read..." She stared at the book for a second. "Uh... well, perhaps not this particular book... did you actually read this?" She raised her head and gave Severus an incredulous look.

"To be honest... no," Severus admitted honestly. "It's on my bucket list, though."

Lily pushed the book back into the row of books and ran her fingers over the leather-bound volumes. "Do you own anything not related to herbs? Or... well... the Dark Arts?" She pursed her lips as she moved over to the next bookcase and stared at the row of black-covered books. A dark look passed over her face, and Severus felt uncomfortable as he realised she was staring at the worn cover of ' _Out with the bad blood: a study of medieval torture methods'_.

"I have all sorts of books," Severus said quickly, his hands holding the book turning a little clammy when Lily didn't turn her eyes away from the book cover, which she was eyeing with a clear expression of loathing. "Some which I haven't even had the time to read yet. I'm, uh, an impulsive book shopper. What sort of literature are you looking for?"

Lily turned towards him. Her expression was unreadable.

"Fiction?" She asked.

"Fiction... uh..." Severus frowned. "I think my mother had some. Just a second. _Accio_ _cardboard box full of my mother's books_."

He heard the far-away sound of the box bursting though the other boxes he had piled into the corner of his parents's bedroom. Judging from the sound, a few other boxes crashed on the floor as it departed the pile. It soon glided through the air and fell on the floor between them with a thump, puffing a cloud of dust into air. The owl flew into the sitting room and perched itself atop a bookcase, staring at the box curiously, perhaps thinking it was a particularly squarely shaped bird.

Lily kneeled beside the box and started pulling books out, checking their titles and backs. Severus stared at her in worry, hating the fact that he didn't know what she was thinking. He was quite sure his collection of Dark Art books – which he had no longer needed to hide away in his own house – had put her off and again reminded her of the opposing sides of the war they were on, but she didn't say anything about it. He highly doubted she was all that interested in reading anyway. Everything they had so far said and done had a slight tinge of pretence about it, a desperate bid to keep things light and conflict-free, but the pretence was slowly eating at him and he almost wished she would have exploded at him instead. Yet at the same time he appreciated the fact that she was trying so hard, and it gave him hope that perhaps when time went on, things actually might return to normal. He scratched his neck, wondering again if he should try and break her act, but again eventually decided against it out of fear she would leave.

"Your mother certainly enjoyed her Harlequin novels," Lily remarked.

"Her what?"

"Never mind," Lily said vaguely. A hint of a smile flashed in her eyes as she read the back cover of a book she had pulled out of the box. "I think these should keep me entertained for a while. Thanks."

"You're welcome," Severus said, and sat down on the sofa and opened his book where he had left off. Lily remained kneeling on the ground, pulling out books from the books, and despite having opened his book, Severus couldn't take his eyes off of her. Far more than the TV, she was distracting him with her existence and sudden presence in his life, and he was at an utter loss as to what she might be feeling and thinking. Was she staying here simply because of some sort of duty? Out of fear? Because of convenience? His mind was buzzing with questions which he could hardly hope to get answers for.

Lily finally seemed to choose a few books, then leaned against the foot of a armchair and opened one of them. Severus tried to stay focused in his own book, but found it difficult. They hadn't fought yet; a feat in itself, but he couldn't help but worry if it was just the calm before a storm. There was that constant, distinct feeling of unaddressed emotions and thoughts in the room. Fights were inevitable, he realised. The realisation was oddly comforting. He knew it, and probably Lily knew it too. It was her decision to not start the row sooner rather than later. That was good, right? And what if they would be fighting again before long? So what if she was probably putting on an act of being all right, and would probably crumble again before long? He could take it, Severus decided. He could take anything and everything that came his way. He would do anything to keep this. Anything at all.

 _But you won't be here long, will you?_ An uninvited, nasty voice reminded Severus at the back of his head, startling him. _Even now when you're sitting here, pathetically leering and lusting after her, your life is running out. You won't be around for much longer to enjoy it. Tick tock, Snivellus. Fate is playing a cruel joke on you again._

 _Shut up,_ Severus thought with hate, realising that despite the book in his hand, he hadn't really paid any thought to his mission since Lily had arrived into his house. _Just shut up. I will crack the Arch before time runs out. I can't fail now. I can't die. Especially not now when Lily doesn't have anyone else but me._

 _Well, isn't that good for you,_ the nasty, dark thing inside him said dryly. _But it's not like you being alive will do you much good either, will it? She's never going to love you the way you want her to. She likes pretty boys. She likes men who can seduce her and make her knees weak. And do you really think_ you _could ever do it? Face it, Snivellus. Even if you live, the best case scenario is that you manage to keep her alive and protected just long enough to see her run off with some other bloke._

 _Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!_

The voice remained quiet. But it felt like an iron fist had closed itself around Severus's heart as he stared at Lily who was sitting so close to him and eyeing the first page of some book, and yet she might as well been in another world entirely, her with her smooth skin and flawless face and everything that made her what she was.

The little voice in the back of his head was right. Even if she would in time grow to care for him again, why would she care for him any more than she had back when they had been friends? And he might not even have enough time for that. The question was simply whether he had the guts to even try and seduce her before it was too late, or whether his feelings would follow him to his grave, unspoken and unrequited. The mere thought of approaching her with seduction in mind was enough to make Severus feel like a nervous school boy again, and he hated it. He hated not knowing how to do it. He was an adult, for fuck's sake. He was no longer some fifteen-year-old virgin.

To his irk, Severus had to admit that he had no experience to speak of of any sort of seduction. He had only ever been with Generia, and she had basically just chucked his Defence Against the Dark Arts textbooks off his lap and flung herself in their stead one late evening in the Slytherin common room, and Severus had been too surprised, and admittedly also curious, to stop her when she had started showering his neck with clumsy kisses and teared off his robes. Besides, the situation had been very arousing, not least because it had reminded him of how Lily had climbed into his lap in the dimply lit corner nook of the attic and ground against him, and when he had closed his eyes it had almost felt like he had been with her instead. Almost, but not quite. Generia had smelled different, and her body had felt lankier, longer, thinner against his. He had buried his face in the nape of her neck and had tried not to notice the difference when he had fucked her.

Later, when his weekly intimate encounters with Generia had become routine, it had been much, much easier to act aloof and seductive with her, because Severus hadn't cared enough to worry about rejection. But that horrible 'r' word always rung in the back of his head when he was with Lily. He found himself physically unable to make a move on her out of fear of seeing the look of loathing on her face, which would shatter once and for all each of his carefully guarded little fantasies. And as much as he wished it wasn't so, he had to admit that Lily could hardly be expected to passionately fancy a bloke who turned into snivelling pudding at her feet every time he made skin contact with her. No, without a doubt she preferred someone like _Potter_ , who hadn't seemed to have any qualms about approaching her. That particular thought was another can of worms entirely, and made Severus want to hurl the book off his lap and go and take a long walk to get away from her, because the thought of Potter shagging her made him sick, no matter if their relationship was over now or not. It _had_ happened, he realised, as he stared at the sliver of Lily's bare legs peeking from under the bathrobe. Potter had, without a doubt, shagged Lily.

 _She'd be begging for it,_ Potter's taunting words months ago rang in his ears, clear as if he had just spoken them.

Had she? She probably had. She had probably _enjoyed_ it, Severus thought, and remembered the irritatingly self-pleased way Potter had pranced around the school after finally getting his heart's desire. Severus tried not to imagine Potter on top of Lily, but jealousy and sudden hate ground his insides and made him sick, and the harder he tried not to think about it, the more vivid the image in his head became, until it felt like he was watching a film about it and feeling somebody carve his heart out of him in slow motion. He sat petrified on the sofa, staring at Lily's bare ankle, consumed by his abrupt burst of jealousy. Lily turned the page of the book she was holding and absent-mindedly scratched her leg, her eyes following the text on the new page, seeming perfectly unaware of the raging emotions consuming him. Her innocence made him even more angry, seeming to choke him. Didn't she know what she had done to him? Severus turned his eyes away and reached to turn the book page with shaking fingers, unable to see anything in the book, just seeing Lily under Potter as he fucked her. Came into her.

"It's odd," Lily muttered suddenly, with a tone of slight surprise. She had raised her head from the book and was now gazing at Severus.

"What is?" Severus said between his teeth, harsher than he had intended, his insides seething in rage.

"The sound of rain, and reading..." Lily said dreamily. "It's so calming."

"Calming," Severus repeated slowly, unable to fathom how it was possible for her to feel calm when he himself felt like a storm was brewing inside of him.

But Lily sat on the rug with her legs crossed and seemed perfectly at peace. She pushed her legs up to her chest and leaned her face on her knees, a thoughtful look on her face as she stared somewhere over his shoulder. To his great surprise his anger subsided, and he took a deep breath like he had just escaped drowning.

"Yeah," Lily said. "It makes it seem like everything that's happened was just my imagination, or something. Like this is just any other morning..." Her voice trailed, and she looked a little guilty. Severus sighed. He averted his eyes.

"You aren't doing anything wrong, Lily," Severus said. "Mulling things over doesn't serve anybody, least of all you. You'll do what you can, when you can. But right now you can't. There's no point wallowing in it."

"I suppose," Lily said, sounding a little doubtful. "It just feels disrespectful to not think about it."

She was quiet for a while, and Severus could feel she was struggling with something. He waited patiently, feeling himself calming down now that he had something else to concentrate on. Lily was staring at the book in his lap.

"I keep thinking I should have done something," Lily finally said. Her voice was fragile. "The only reason I'm alive is because of Sirius. I feel like I let him down."

Severus marked the page and closed his book. He took in Lily's worried eyes, and a sudden shame over his earlier thoughts grasped him. He understood that this was what had been eating at her more than anything else.

"You're not honouring anybody by torturing yourself," Severus said gently. "You can't blame yourself when there was nothing you could have done differently."

Lily was silent for a while, and she closed her book too, setting it on the rug next to her. She gazed at him solemnly.

"It's weird that I'm here," she said finally. "Weird, but... I don't know. I feel relieved about it."

"Do you?" Severus asked her, a little nervously. She looked earnest and serious, and there was not a hint of pretence in her eyes. Her vulnerability was striking, disarming. The look in her eyes was so raw that Severus almost wanted to turn his eyes away from her, ashamed by his earlier hate and afraid she would somehow see traces of it in his eyes.

"Yes," Lily said quietly. "It's not just the rain and the reading. I feel calm here."

Severus's brain kicked into overdrive as he tried to decipher whether she meant she felt calm in the house, or in his presence, or what. He flashed a short smile at her.

"I'm glad," he said simply, afraid to reveal to her what her words had done to him. Lily looked at him for a long time, and Severus realised she hadn't looked at him like that in a long time; like they were friends still, like she trusted him.

"I feel like I should have been able to save Sirius," Lily continued finally. "I always used to think I'm a capable enough witch. But it's just party tricks I'm good at... turns out I'm pretty useless at fighting."

"You're not useless," Severus said softly. "You defeated Morland at duelling, didn't you?"

"Barely," Lily said and sighed.

"What would you have done differently then?" Severus asked her. "If you could go back and save Black. How could you have saved him?"

"I could have done what he did," Lily said quietly. "I could have tried to kill the woman who came to the library. Or I could have surrendered myself. That's what they wanted, wasn't it?"

"If you had tried to ambush Bellatrix Lestrange, you probably would have gotten yourself killed," Severus said. "And had you surrendered, she probably wouldn't have spared Black anyway. I think she was glad for the chance to kill him, to be honest. She hates bloodtraitors, especially those who are related to her, I should imagine."

"But I could have Disillusioned Sirius, the way he did to me," Lily said miserably, speaking more boldly now. "But it never even crossed my mind."

"Black has had a lot of practice with that spell," Severus said, and his lip curled as he remembered how Black had Disillusioned him so that Potter could assault him the night of Slughorn's party. "It was probably the first spell that popped into his head. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it."

"We didn't really even like each other," Lily said and sighed. "I don't understand why he saved me."

"And yet, here you are, wondering how you could have done the same to him," Severus pointed out. "Things don't always make sense like that. Maybe he didn't like you, but that didn't mean he wanted you dead any more than you wanted him dead."

"Look at you, speaking so sagely," Lily said and smiled wearily. "Isn't that what I said about you and James?"

"That's _completely_ different," Severus snapped in disgust, but then sighed and shook his head. "Sorry. I disliked Black, nearly just as much as I dislike Potter. I won't lie and pretend otherwise. But right now, I'm thankful for him. And do you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"I'm thankful that he's dead instead of you," Severus said. "I'm thankful that for once, he did the right thing."

"That's not a very nice thing to say," Lily muttered and hugged her knees even tighter. She was blinking rapidly and Severus could tell she was trying to fight back tears.

"I know. I wasn't trying to be nice," Severus said and frowned. "I was trying to be sincere, and that's how I feel. Nice or not. Black died so you could live, and you're doing him no favours by sitting there feeling sorry for yourself because you're not dead in his place. All right?"

"I suppose," Lily said quietly, and looked like she was lost in her thoughts for a while. Then she gave Severus another weary smile. "No, you're right. I think he would think I'm being pathetic if he knew what I've been thinking. If he was here he'd probably say something like ' _keep it together, you pathetic ginger bint_ '."

"Well, most likely if he was here, he'd probably just ask ' _what the fuck am I doing in Snivellus's house?_ ' and then try and curse me," Severus said dryly. "So I suppose I ought to be thankful he didn't stick around as a ghost."

Lily laughed and wiped her eyed in her sleeve. It was a short laugh, but Severus felt inexplicably relieved, as though he had subconsciously waited for it all along. He smiled at her, and then opened his book again.

"I suppose I should get back to the wonderful world of linguistics history," he said a little apologetically.

"The book must really be good," Lily said. Severus made a non-committal sound in his throat and shrugged.

"It's for work," he said avoidingly. "I need to have it finished by tomorrow."

"Work?" Lily asked him, sounding incredulous. He raised his eyes from the book.

"Yeah," he said warily. "Why the tone of surprise?"

"Sorry," Lily said and sounded a little confused. "I just didn't come to think that..." her voice trailed.

"That I'd be working?" Severus sneered, feeling a little offended.

"No, that's not it, of course you're working," Lily said and bit her lip. "I was just being stupid. I guess I just never came to think that... that, uh, your lot was working. With anything else besides the... obvious."

"Oh," Severus said. He absent-mindedly made sure his left sleeve was covering his arm in full. "Yeah, I work. In the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry. But I can't really talk about it any more than that. It turns out Unspeakable isn't just a general term – they actually enchant the contract so that I can't really speak of anything regarding what I do."

"Right," Lily said and tried to sound unconcerned. She turned her eyes towards the book on the rug next to her, and picked it up. "It must be a fascinating place to work. Anyway, I guess I'll get back to the romance between the duchess and the farm boy, then, and leave you to it."

She turned the page and started reading. Severus eyed her for a moment before turning his own eyes back towards his own book. He couldn't interpret Lily's silence, but since she still seemed keen to avoid conflict, Severus relaxed and had soon become so concentrated upon the regional dialects on Britain that he forgot to mull over the things they both had again left unaddressed. Lily turned another page, as did Severus, and after a while an almost comfortable silence fell over the room, interrupted only by the sounds of rustling pages, and the occasional sound of Lily correcting her position on the rug.

But Severus was soon shaken from his thoughts, when something rather unexpected happened.

He had a second to register a strange glow of light passing over the page of his book, when Lily shrieked in surprise and, possibly, fear. Severus let the book fall from his lap and his wand was in his hand before he realised he had pulled it out. Lily stared somewhere in the vicinity of his shoulder with a look of terror, and he whirled around. The reason for Lily's distress was a bright, pale flash of light had entered the room from around the vicinity of the window he was sitting in front of; silent as a ghost, but bright and very much real. And it definitely shouldn't be there.

" _Revelio,_ " Severus shouted and pointed his wand at the moving shape, his first stunned thought being that it must be some sort of a ghost or a poltergeist which had managed to penetrate the protective enchantments around the house. But the spell didn't seem to work, and the eerie light moved into the center of the room. Severus strode around it and pushed Lily out of the way, slightly behind himself. She had taken out Potter's wand and was now staring at the light with her mouth slightly open. Unruly red sparks were again pushing out of the tip of the wand in her hand. The light was approaching them slowly, but with determination. Severus raised his wand again.

Before he had hit it with another spell, the silvery flash of light changed shape; it wavered, and the wavering parts took on the form of enormous, flamboyant wings. It looked like parts of a bird were blossoming out of the orb, one by one, until it had become an undeniably clear Phoenix. And yet it wasn't a real Phoenix; it remained silvery and slightly transparent. Its eyes were fixed on Lily, who fumbled up and backed away from the strange bird – Severus took a step closer to the bird and tried to determine what it was. The owl was hooting from atop the bookcase, the ward bells in the kitchen remained silent, and the Phoenix just lingered in the air, looking non-threatening, yet very out of place. Both Lily and Severus gaped at it in confusion. Then, suddenly, the bird spoke.

"Don't be frightened, Lily," the Phoenix said calmly, and Lily made a surprised sound behind Severus. The Phoenix's voice was familiar, and it took Severus a second to identify the voice as belonging to Albus Dumbledore. He immediately froze.

"D-Dumbledore?" Lily stuttered, and took a cautious half-step towards the bird.

"Oh, yes. Well, I am Albus Dumbledore's Patronus, so close enough," the creature said. Its eyes stared at Lily penetratingly, just like the old Headmaster's eyes would have, had the man stood in its place. Severus was immediately filled with loathing for the creature, and he didn't lower his wand. But the creature didn't pay him any attention at all; it only seemed to have eyes for Lily. "I have come to you with a message," the creature continued in a calm tone.

"All right," Lily said, sounding a little wary. Severus suddenly realised she was holding him by his arm, though he couldn't remember at which point this had happened. Just as he realised it, Lily let her hand fall to her side. She stepped closer to the Phoenix and her worried eyes flickered in his, and he knew she was wondering the same thing: could this Patronus see? Did it know whom she was with? Severus remained as quiet as he could, and lowered his wand slowly and silently. The Phoenix didn't seem to notice the movement, as its silvery eyes were fixed upon Lily.

"I am reaching out to all of you present at the Potter residence at the time of the Death Eater attack," the Patronus said. "I wish to meet you in person to discuss the matter further. I will take you to a safe place where we can talk."

Lily remained frozen in her place, and Severus's thoughts were running wild. Was this some sort of a trap? He didn't know the spell, and by default he mistrusted everything he didn't know, especially magical birds which suddenly appeared into his sitting room without as much as a jingle from his wards. He quietly grabbed Lily by her wrist, and their eyes met again. He silently shook his head. He didn't dare to speak, in case the creature was still unaware of his presence. Lily turned back towards the Patronus.

"How do I know it's you? How can I be sure that this isn't some sort of a trap?" Lily asked in a tense voice. Severus squeezed her wrist in approval.

The creature stared at Lily and something like amusement flashed in its eyes.

"We had a pleasant rendez-vous at St. Mungo' s on Friday," the Phoenix said. "We had tea and some rather excellent scones at the first floor cafeteria."

"That was no secret," Lily said tensely, and Severus whole-heartedly approved of her paranoid tone. "Dozens of people saw us together."

The Phoenix's eyes twinkled in a familiar way.

"And right you are, Lily," the Patronus said and nodded its beak, and Severus could imagine Dumbledore's polite nod in its stead. "I admire your cautiousness. Very well. I told you that I was glad the employees of the Elderly Ward do not have their own distinctive work robes. And I believe I mentioned my distaste for the new colour scheme of the chess boards available at Zonko's. I also pointed out that household spells might prove deadly in the wrong hands. You told me you have become adept at securing a house from burglaries, and in curing scrapes, which has worked to your advantage at work. Will this be suitable proof, or shall I continue?"

Severus eyed Lily with raised eyebrows. It appeared the Headmaster had either paid her the most inane social visit, or they were speaking in some sort of secret code. But Lily paid him no attention. Severus could tell she had become convinced that the Patronus belonged to the person it claimed to belong to, because she relaxed her stance.

"All right, I'll go with you," Lily said, though she still sounded a little hesitant. "What should I do?"

"I shall offer you my arm – excuse me, my wing – and I shall lead you to the place where we will meet in person," Dumbledore's voice said. Lily's eyes flickered in Severus's again.

"I can't Disapparate," Lily said. "Not at my current location."

"Then I request that you lead me to the nearest secure place where you can."

"Okay..." Lily said tensely. "Should I, uh, lead you by your arm – wing... sir? Or can you, uh, see?"

Her worried eyes again flickered towards where Severus was standing.

"You don't need to touch me. I can follow you," the Phoenix said cryptically.

Severus grabbed Lily by her wrist again, before she had the time to leave. She turned to look at him. They exchanged a brief, confusing and silent attempt at communication consisting of Severus narrowing his eyes and pointing at the mudroom, and then his wand, and then Potter's wand in Lily's hand. Lily frowned at him in confusion.

"Shall we?" The Patronus suggested serenely. In his desperation, Severus pushed into Lily's head with a hasty Legilimens and clumsily positioned an image of her Apparating directly back to the Mudroom. It was easy to get into her head, and he registered her surprise and slight offense at the sudden intrusion, right before he pulled back out. She looked at him strangely for a moment. Then she turned back to the Patronus.

"Let's," Lily said to the Patronus and nodded at Severus. She straightened her back in determination. He was left alone in the sitting room when Lily turned to walk out of the room, and the Phoenix gracefully flew over her head, following her. It didn't turn to look at Severus, but he had a nasty feeling like it knew he was there anyway. The front door opened, and a cold draft swooshed into the sitting room, before the door closed again.

It wasn't until then that Severus realised that if Dumbledore knew the Death Eaters were looking for Lily, it was likely he would insist on hiding her himself. What guarantee did he have Dumbledore would allow her to come back? Especially if he knew where she had been hiding - and whom with? Severus threw his caution to the wind and rushed to the front door, and the door swung open, spellbound, as he approached. He stopped in the doorway, his heart racing.

But the threshold outside was empty; just a drizzle of rain pouring down from the roof and splashing against the cracked stone steps leading from the front door out to the yard. The rising sun had dyed the rain clouds in the distance with a golden hue. Lily was gone.


	25. Fabric against fabric

This is going to be a LOOOOONG one. Enjoy and please review if you do! :)

""

 _Outside this circle lay everything that was strange and frightening, and the darkness seemed to reach higher and higher and further and further away, right to the end of the world._

 _-_ Tove Jansson

"

Disapparating with the Patronus was like trying to use water as Portkey. Lily's fingers slipped right through the creature's silvery, oil-like feathers when she tried to find leverage. Confused, she tried to desperately grab a hold of something which didn't repel her touch - but then she felt a sharp tug behind her belly button, and her insides jolted nastily when she suddenly left behind the rainy doorstep and was pulled through a haze of lights and colour.

Her stomach lurched back into place when she materialised into a large round room with high, arched windows. Her hand was grasping at emptiness; the Phoenix was gone. On the windowsill of the high window in front of her sat a chubby grey pigeon; Lily looked at it suspiciously for a moment, for a fleeting moment wondering if the Phoenix had perhaps taken on another form – but the pigeon stared right back at her with just as much suspicion in its eyes, then flew off with a soft coo. The scenery outside the window was bleak, but it wasn't raining here; Lily's heart jumped into gallop when she realised she was taking in the pointed rooftops of Hogwarts' many turrets, coloured pale gold by the sun rising far in the East. She was standing atop the Astronomy tower, looking out towards the castle's yard below, where the shadows of the early morning still crept over the ancient cobblestones.

Lily took a step closer to the window and eagerly drank in the comfortingly familiar sight in front of her. Nothing had seemed to change here. A few students were strolling across the mostly empty yard, like small ants, their colourful House scarves flapping in the biting wind. Hagrid's hut looked like a miniature house near the edge of the forest. Smoke was rising from its chimney and as Lily watched, Hagrid himself stepped out to collect rain water into a pot from the two large barrels outside. It was like time had simply stood still while she had been away. Despite feeling utterly exhausted and lost, Lily's heart swelled in bittersweet happiness when she spotted the Gryffindor tower, a yellow, cosy light gleaming in its window.

"I've heard rumours the ladies fashion is taking a turn for darker colours," a voice said behind her, and Lily turned to see Dumbledore, who was standing next to an enormous telescope, and eyed her outfit with amusement in his eyes. "Little did I know the style is also becoming quite so casual."

Lily quickly wrapped her arms around herself. She had to admit Dumbledore's amusement was warranted, because Severus's loose bathrobe wouldn't have been her first choice of garment for the meeting had she had other options available at such short notice. Dumbledore himself was impeccably dressed in a silvery long cloak and pointed hat, elegantly blending in with the silver telescopes and other delicate equipment around them, making Lily feel twice as shabby in comparison. She hadn't even looked into the mirror that morning.

"Sorry, sir," Lily muttered. "I wasn't expecting to get whisked away so early in the morning."

"Ah. Perhaps not by me," Dumbledore chuckled and eyed the bathrobe knowingly. Walking closer to Lily, he twirled his wand in the air and two large, old-fashioned chairs spun into existence, and fell on the stone floor with a smack. He sat on the other and gestured Lily to do the same. Making sure her bare legs were fully covered under the bathrobe, Lily took the seat. She couldn't help but glance around herself: she fervently wished that her outfit wouldn't be witnessed by any students potentially wandering into the tower.

"We're quite alone," Dumbledore said, as though guessing what she was thinking. "It's much too light and cloudy for stargazing - and I understand that on Sundays students prefer to lay around in bed until the very last moments of breakfast are at hand instead of eagerly rushing to complete their star charts."

"Oh, I know," Lily muttered. "But a lot of students come here for snogging on weekends, sir, for precisely that reason."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows; Lily hoped he wouldn't ask her how she knew.

"If some lovelorn couple gets it into their heads to forsake breakfast to do so at this very moment, I'm certain they will be more flustered to run into us here than we are to run into them," Dumbledore reassured her. "But do accept my cloak. I'm certain you'll be more comfortable, too."

And he jumped up and removed his cloak before Lily had the time to as much as raise up her hands in refusal. Underneath the silvery cloak, his long robes were a rather bold shade of yellow, and Lily thought that had his pointed hat been yellow too, he would have quite resembled a large bearded banana removed far from its natural habitat. Dumbledore smiled serenely at her and waved his cloak in her face.

"But sir, you'll get cold now," Lily objected guiltily. "I can't accept it."

"Not at all, not at all..." Dumbledore said. "I shall simply design myself a new cloak."

And he did. As he twirled his wand elegantly in the air, a blue sleeve burst out of its tip, followed by the rest of a long cloak which pushed itself out of the wand not unlike whipped cream shooting out of an icing syringe. Dumbledore examined the freshly conjured cloak with satisfaction and then wrapped it around himself.

"I try to keep my skills from getting rusty," Dumbledore said lightly, sitting back down and thrusting the silvery cloak into Lily's hands. "The embroidery is the most difficult part."

"Thank you," Lily said. When she didn't come to think of any further objections, she resolved to wrap the light, but surprisingly warm cloak over her shoulders. She couldn't help but add: "That was seriously amazing, sir."

"You flatter me, Lily," Dumbledore chuckled. "Unfortunately I suspect Madam Malkin is not quite as taken by my self-reliance - she seems to think it a personal insult towards her tailoring skills that I haven't used her services in a while... but that's a story for another day." His expression turned more serious. "I apologise for calling you so early, but after speaking with James even earlier, I thought it's best I waste no more time."

"So he _is_ alive!" Lily breathed in relief, forgetting all about bathrobes and cloaks as she eagerly leaned towards the Headmaster. "I received word from Remus earlier... I didn't know whether to trust him or not."

"They are together in one of the houses James has inherited from his late parents," Dumbledore said. "Unharmed... at least physically," he added heavily."But under the circumstances, I'm relieved you didn't rush to meet him before receiving confirmation from me. I had to first use Legilimency on them to make certain they weren't under the Imperio."

"Is that why you wanted to meet me?" Lily asked nervously. "To do the same to me?"

Her insides prickled uncomfortably as she imagined all the secrets she was currently keeping; not only her own, but Severus's...

"No," Dumbledore said to her surprise. "No, I have reason to believe that had you been caught and taken to Lord Voldemort, you would not be sitting here right now, under the Imperio or otherwise. I'm here to first and foremost make certain you are alive and well. I trust you know it was yourself that the Death Eaters were looking for?"

"Yes," Lily said. "I heard."

"James told me of your lucky escape," Dumbledore said and eyed her curiously... or carefully?

"My lucky escape?" Lily repeated, momentarily confused, before she realised that James had naturally told Dumbledore that Severus had grabbed her and Disapparated with her (even though in reality it had been pretty much the other way around). She stiffened. "Oh... right. Yeah. It was lucky that I, um, managed to struggle away."

"It must have been quite a shock for you," Dumbledore said compassionately.

"Very," Lily said stiffly.

"Not least because as I understand, the Death Eater in question used to be a friend of yours," Dumbledore continued. He shook his head before turning his intensive grey eyes back towards Lily. "Severus Snape... yes, it must have been very shocking for you to find your old friend on the opposing side. Only one of the many shocking and unfortunate circumstances that took place that evening."

Lily tried to find the right answer, but her head seemed to be completely devoid of anything clever to say. She started sweating inside the bathrobe. But Dumbledore continued to gaze at her with compassion in his eyes.

"Are you all right, Lily?" He asked her, quite kindly.

Yes, Lily was on the point of saying, but couldn't. She swallowed, and tried to get the words out. But they seemed stuck somewhere inside her, and to her embarrassment she felt tears rising to her eyes. She looked up at the stony ceiling and blinked them away rapidly, uncomfortable with feeling the Headmaster's eyes on her.

"Uh..." She finally managed to say. But in the end she couldn't get anything else out.

"I understand," Dumbledore said gently. "I heard what happened. I'm sorry."

"Thanks," Lily managed, her eyes still in the ceiling.

They sat for a while in silence. Lily was glad that Dumbledore was discreetly giving her a moment to wipe her eyes into the sleeve of the bathrobe by staring out of the window at the pale morning sun, which was slowly inching higher and higher in the horizon.

"Did you find that woman?" Lily finally asked. "The one who got Sirius?"

"Bellatrix Lestrange," Dumbledore said and turned his eyes back towards Lily. He looked quite tired as he gazed at Lily. "No, I'm afraid not. She had escaped before I arrived."

"But I knocked her unconscious! How on Earth did she manage to escape?" Lily said, her sadness vanishing out of the way of anger flaring up inside her at the thought that the mad-looking woman was still walking free.

"She was still unconscious when James, soon followed by Remus, went back to the library. But then some unindentified Death Eaters entered the wing, and James and Remus found themselves cornered in the library, much like you yourself earlier. But luckily James came to think to call a house elf, and they managed to Disapparate together with Sirius's body. Ten minutes later, the whole house was empty of both Death Eaters and Order members, and at some point also dear Bellatrix managed to flee the house. Only Alastor Moody remained waiting for me when I arrived."

"I can't believe she's still walking free..." Lily said in shock. "She's a murderer! She should be rotting in Azkaban!"

"It's natural to want justice," Dumbledore said seriously. "But I dare guess she never would have ended up in Azkaban either way. The justice board of the Ministry is simply too corrupt. It's no longer what you have done, but whom you know, that matters in the courtrooms."

"Then she should have been killed by one of us!"

"The Order of the Phoenix is not an execution squad, Lily," Dumbledore said gently. "Casualties are sometimes unavoidable, but we do not go around distributing death sentences."

"But, then, how can we win against You-Know-Who?" Lily asked, feeling, if possible, even more shocked at the apparent hopelessness of the situation. For the first time she had welcomed the idea of killing, only to have her hope over justice taken away from her. "If his supporters can't be tried in court, nor killed, then how can we win?"

"Love and loyalty will always triumph over hate and selfishness," Dumbledore said. "Lord Voldemort does not know this, but I do. He will eventually perish by his own inability to understand this fact."

Lily snapped her mouth shut and stared at him in surprise. His eyes were bright and serious as he gazed at her, and Lily didn't quite know what to say to such a strange, and what appeared to her as slightly naïve, remark. But Dumbledore appeared not to notice her apprehensiveness, or perhaps he just didn't feel like explaining himself – and Lily simply had to conclude that he probably had some sort of a plan he just didn't feel like sharing with her. She wouldn't have admitted it to anyone, but it made her feel just a little slighted.

"Alas, time is running," Dumbledore finally said after a long and heavy pause. A worried crease appeared between his white eyebrows. "Please forgive me for moving on to the next subject. It has taken me some time to piece together what actually took place at the Potter residence on Friday evening, but it appears one of our own has given information to Lord Voldemort." He sighed. "I assumed at first that the attack was orchestrated to eliminate as many Order members as possible, but it soon emerged that this seemed not to be the case. I learned from James that the Death Eaters were looking for you, and things suddenly became much clearer. That also explains why St. Mungo 's was raided last night."

"It was?" Lily asked, startled. "What happened?"

"It was a quiet affair. A few men who claimed to work as Aurors demanded access to the employee records and work shift lists. I believe it was your address they came for."

"Then they only have James's former address," Lily said in relief. "That's the one I gave them when I started my internship."

Dumbledore nodded, looking pleased.

"Good. My source at the hospital also informs me that you have resigned from their employment," he said, and eyed Lily without blinking for slightly longer than Lily thought was pleasant. "That was fast thinking, Lily."

"Yeah, I... I was supposed to work yesterday. I guess I was so shocked and scared after what happened that I thought I couldn't go through with my shift," Lily said.

"That was very lucky," Dumbledore said. He leaned back in his chair and scrutinised Lily for a while. "Do you have any idea why they are so intent on finding you?"

"No," Lily lied guiltily. "I have no idea."

"I see," Dumbledore said. A short silence ensued, during which he continued to peer at Lily over his half-moon glasses, and Lily tried to quench the impulse to fidget in her chair.

"I, for once, have my suspicions," Dumbledore finally said. "You were on Diagon Alley on Saturday night a week ago, were you not?"

"Where did you hear that?" Lily asked, stiffening again. Was it possible that he somehow knew what had taken place there that night?

"James told me," Dumbledore said calmly (Lily slumped back against the chair in relief). "Earlier this week, when I tried to convince him to make peace with you for the sake of the Order meetings. He told me that he and his friends went looking for you on Diagon Alley, because Mary MacDonald told him that's where you were last seen - on your way to Madam Malkin's. Isn't that right?"

"Yes, that's right. Madam Malkin's wasn't open, so I went for a... stroll."

"It is my understanding that this night time stroll of yours possibly coincided with the much advertised double murder that took place not far from where you were strolling," Dumbledore said. "After I have considered this matter most carefully, I have come to the conclusion that most likely Lord Voldemort has somehow gotten it into his head that you might know something about the deaths, and this is his reason for trying to find you so intently."

"I thought you said he quite possibly orchestrated the murders himself?" Lily asked quickly.

"It seemed possible at that time," Dumbledore agreed. "But it is just as possible that somebody else killed the two men. And of course, you can see why this would make Lord Voldemort very worried."

"Why's that?" Lily asked.

"Because it has since come to my attention that the two men were Death Eaters," Dumbledore said pensively. "Morland Mulciber and Horton Avery. Both from prominent pure-blood families – their fathers were among Lord Voldemort's first followers. He wouldn't have sacrificed them for a sheer publicity stunt. But they did not drop dead on their own accord either. If I am correct – and I often am – Lord Voldemort probably assumes he now has competition. He is probably terrified as we speak; worried that there's another dark wizard at large, not one of his own Death Eaters, but an independent, and therefore dangerous, individual. Without a doubt he is eager to eliminate this competition, and thus he's trying to find eye-witnesses to the crime, anyone who might help him find the killer. All things considered, I think this is the most likely reason he's trying to find you."

"Right," Lily said lamely, and felt chills go down her spine upon remembering that Severus had told her that somebody had seen her curse Mulciber. She suddenly realised that not only was she hunted for questioning – she was actually hunted as the _murderer_. She had the sudden urge to tell everything to the Headmaster, and had to bite her tongue to not blurt out the whole story. Only the fact that she had promised to herself that she would never reveal Severus's secret kept her from spilling out the beans right then and there. Well... at least she didn't intend to reveal his secret without his _permission_. But would he give it to her?

"You must be quite frightened to hear about this, Lily," Dumbledore said compassionately. "Whether you actually saw something or not makes no difference; you are in danger and need additional protection. The moment I heard, I made arrangements to have a safe house prepared for your arrival."

"A what?" Lily asked, startled out of her ominous thoughts.

"A safe house," Dumbledore repeated. "You are free to move there at any time. The sooner, the better. I can come with you right now while you pick up your belongings, and escort you there."

Lily swallowed.

"I'm safe where I'm staying now," she said. "I live with my Muggle parents. Nobody has their address – it's my sister's old flat, you see, and I put up all sorts of protective enchantments there... it's unplottable and there isn't even a fireplace there... and it's in a Muggle neighbourhood..." she realised she had started babbling nervously, but she simply couldn't go to a safe house. Not only because she would then have to take Dumbledore to Severus to pick up her stuff, but also because she didn't _want_ to go. The word 'safe house' brought to her mind nothing but loneliness and isolation. And she thought of Severus, how he certainly wouldn't be welcome in any safe houses... and she wouldn't even have the time to convince him to abandon the Death Eaters and join their side...

Dumbledore eyed her seriously.

"Your parents are welcome to join you, if that's what worries you," he said, frowning.

"I would prefer to stay where I'm now," Lily said and straightened herself. "Do I have to move?"

Dumbledore was silent for a moment.

"You are of age," he finally said, but his frown deepened. "As such, I cannot force you to do anything. Not even at the risk of your own well-being."

"I will stay where I am then," Lily said. "I feel... safe there."

"I see," Dumbledore again said simply. "And are the security measures good enough to hide you indefinitely?"

"I..." Lily started. She hesitated for a while, the word 'indefinitely' ringing ominously in her ears. "Yes, they are," she said. "I've put up every enchantment I could. And like I said, nobody knows where the flat is."

"I won't say I am pleased at your decision," Dumbledore said, sounding very displeased indeed, and Lily could feel his dissatisfaction washing over herself like someone had just emptied a cauldronful of cold water over her head. "But, as I said, it's your decision to make. I am no longer your Headmaster."

He was quiet for a long time, and let Lily sit there and stew in her own guilt. She had an inkling he wasn't done trying to convince her. And her inkling was correct.

"Perhaps you'd prefer to move to the house where James and Remus live?" Dumbledore asked her after a brief, but somewhat frosty silence. "I'm certain you would be welcome. They are quite shaken by the recent events, James especially."

"No, definitely not," Lily said. "Thank you, sir, but, uh... I don't think it's a good idea, what with me and James having broken up and everything..."

"I cannot force you to accept my help, Lily," Dumbledore said quietly. "But I do not wish to learn you have been killed or captured. I have no doubt that Lord Voldemort is far from having finished with trying to find you. I would feel better if you told me where you and your parents live – I can arrange for surveillance and additional protection there, if you'd prefer."

"I would feel better if nobody knew where we currently live," Lily said unhappily. Her insides were shrivelling with guilt. Somehow it felt profoundly _wrong_ to say no to Dumbledore, like it was an offence of the gravest sort. Despite his acknowledgement that she was an adult, she felt like a little school girl under his disappointed eyes. "I'm sorry, but I'd rather keep the information to myself," she nevertheless continued bravely. "It seems like you have other methods of reaching me, anyway."

Dumbledore sighed.

"If only youth wasn't quite as stubborn," he said, shaking his head. "Very well then, Lily. I must respect your decision - as much as it may displease and worry me."

Lily tried to meet his steely eyes without looking guilty or ashamed.

"Thank you," Lily said timidly. She again thought of Severus and how it would feel to to leave him behind now that they had just been reunited; how it would feel to just sit alone in some safe house, keeping her ears prickled for any news about Death Eaters discovered dead in some attack or another... trying to inconspicuously pry information about their identities... it was unthinkable.

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and stroked his beard. He was gazing at her with a thoughtful look on his face, and Lily quickly arranged her features. She expected him to dismiss her, and would have gladly left the Headmaster's company and escaped back to Spinner's End - but what he said next surprised Lily.

"I think I might have been neglecting your role in the Order," Dumbledore said. "I believe it's time you became more involved."

"Sir?" Lily asked.

"I asked you before if you would like to learn to defend yourself," Dumbledore said, sounding much less cross with her than he had just a moment ago. "You seemed open to the idea. I think it's time I taught you."

" _You_ , sir?" Lily asked, startled.

"Yes," Dumbledore said simply, and looked at her pensively. "Yes, I think I won't trust your education in the hands of anybody else."

"But how is that going to help the Order?" Lily asked him, thoroughly confused. "If I'm going to be stuck inside for who knows how long, I can't really help all that much with any Order business, can I?"

To her surprise, Dumbledore smiled.

"On the contrary, I believe you can be of great help," he said. "Students often seem to be under the impression that I don't take the time to get to know them as individuals, but they are mistaken. I do keep my eyes and ears open. Therefore it's been in my knowledge for a long time now that you are loyal and determined. Both of them personality traits which I value greatly – and which I believe will be most helpful for the Order." Lily tried not to look pleased with herself, but it was very hard not to feel validated by the Headmaster, especially after his previous displeasure with her, which now had clearly evaporated. "But now, I think you have enjoyed more than enough of Scotland's refreshing countryside air." Dumbledore got up from the chair and Lily swiftly followed his example. " I will let you return to your parents, and will call on you when it is time for us to meet."

"All right, sir," Lily said and took off the cloak she had been wearing, and handed it back to Dumbledore. "Am I able to Disapparate from here?"

"Within the next twenty minutes, yes," the Headmaster said.

Lily nodded and pulled out James's wand, then hesitated for a moment.

"Something else on your mind?" Dumbledore asked her kindly.

"Just that... where were you, sir? When they attacked?" Lily couldn't help but ask him, avoiding his bright, half-moon framed eyes. She was very aware she was pushing her limits. Dumbledore sighed tiredly.

"At the Ministry," he said. "At the time I thought I should prioritise my meeting with the Minister, since she might not be Minister for much longer. Of course, I soon realised I had made a grave error. I'm sorry, Lily."

Lily was surprised when the Headmaster set his hand on her shoulder and patted it gently. There was not a trace of displeasure in his voice when he spoke.

"Do not feel like you can't send me an owl if you change your mind about your living circumstances," he said. "And stay safe, Lily. Everyone you shall henceforth meet or hear about is either your friend or your enemy. Therefore you must be careful with whom you decide to place your trust in. You will do well to remember this." He patted her shoulder once more, then gave Lily a nod and turned on his heel to disappear down the winding staircase leading away from the Astronomy tower.

Lily looked out of the high window next to her, at the grey clouds churning above the castle's turrets, and thought of everything Dumbledore had said. In addition to her current state of emotional turmoil, she now also had a prickling, strange feeling in her gut, like despite everything that had already taken place, this was only the beginning to something even greater. As she looked down at the tiny, ant-like students strolling about the castle's yard, she couldn't help but feel a little envious at their carefree lives.

""""

To her relief, Lily managed to Apparate back to Spinner's End without splinching - she had seen enough gruesome cases at work to fear doing it with a wand which didn't quite seem to bend to her will. But she had finally come to the conclusion that it was either that, or slowly freezing into a block of ice in the cold draft blowing in through the Astronomy tower's high windows. Or alternatively, running bathrobe-clad into the Great Hall for help in the middle of breakfast; an idea which she found equally unappealing.

To her immense relief, when she next had opened her eyes she was staring at the peeling green wallpaper in Severus's mudroom, all limbs still securely attached to her body. Outside, the English autumn storm continued to rage even harder than before, rain beating the front door like an angry neighbour, smothering all other sounds. Lily nearly jumped out of her skin when, upon turning around, she found Severus standing in the doorway in all his tall, black-clad stillness, staring at her. He had either stood there waiting for her, or he had appeared there silently like a ghost – or perhaps she just hadn't heard him over the sounds of the rain and gushes of wind shaking the house. Nevertheless, his sudden appearance into Lily's field of vision caused her to yelp in surprise.

"Christ, you scared me," Lily gasped, pressing her hand over her drumming heart. "I didn't hear you come in."

"Sorry," Severus said quietly.

"It's okay," Lily muttered.

Much like that morning when Severus had come downstairs, a short moment then ensued when both measured the other with their eyes. Lily hadn't yet gotten used to the idea that Severus had suddenly become a part of her life again, and every time he unexpectedly sprung out from somewhere, she found herself having to re-adjust to the situation. She now smoothed her hair self-consciously. But then Severus seemed to relax a little, and relieved, Lily gave him a shy smile.

"I was almost certain Dumbledore wouldn't let you come back," Severus said.

"Well, he did... and I actually managed to get back, which is even more surprising," Lily said, attempting a light tone to hide her awkwardness. "I wasn't certain I would be able to, with this wand and all. Thought I'd wind up legless or something."

Slinking past him into the sitting room, Lily could practically feel Severus's eyes boring into her back, and the little hairs at her neck rose. She heard his robes rustle as he followed her.

"What did he want, then?" Severus asked from behind her. "Dumbledore?"

"He knows You-Know-Who is after me. He wanted me to move to a safe house."

"And what did you say?" Severus asked sharply, and the rustling of his robes stopped abruptly. Lily turned to see that he had stopped in his tracks in the doorway. He crossed his arms and stared at her.

"I told him thanks, but no thanks," Lily said.

"And you didn't tell him about me, did you?" Severus asked in a tense voice. "Because if he knew, he would -"

"No, of course not," Lily reassured him. "I wouldn't tell anyone anything without your consent. Though I must admit, I was a little tempted. Dumbledore is so... well, he's _Dumbledore_. It's really hard to hide things from him - but I didn't tell him anything, don't worry."

Severus scrutinised her for a moment with narrowed eyes, like he suspected that she was blatantly lying to him. Lily met his gaze calmly, but felt her face grow warm. Finally he seemed convinced she was telling him the truth and flashed her a brief smile, which made Lily think that he really looked quite nice when he smiled, especially with his hair pushed back the way it was. Her face grew even warmer.

"Good," he said simply.

To hide her confusion and suddenly red cheeks, Lily turned and plopped down on the sofa. She grabbed a book from the side table and shuffled through its pages without paying any attention to its contents, then threw it back on the table. She noticed Severus was still staring at her, and suddenly became very aware of her bathrobe yet again. She quickly checked it hadn't slipped away from covering any strategic places.

"So you're... staying?" Severus asked her after a moment's silence. Lily quickly lifted her head.

"Why, is that not okay?" She asked him, fearing he had come to have second thoughts about the matter during her absence.

"No, you're welcome to stay as long as you want," Severus said. "I just wanted to make... sure."

"Thank you," Lily said shyly. "Yeah, I'm staying. As long as you're certain you don't mind."

"I don't mind," Severus said quietly. "Really."

Then for a moment they both just goggled at one another awkwardly. Lily thought of how strange it was that she had ended up in Severus's house of all places. He seemed both familiar and strange at the same time, and the whole situation was extremely confusing. And Lily wondered how to bring up what she really wanted to ask him: if he would consider switching sides and joining the Order. Severus's expression was hard to read, but he seemed a little happier than Lily had seen him as of yet. Maybe she should wait at least until tomorrow before bringing up any loaded subjects, to get settled in first...

After a while Severus spoke, apparently in silent agreement over avoiding tough subjects.

"I'll go and bring you some of my mother's clothes to see if any of them suit you," he said. "They're probably not, uh, your style -" Lily said nothing but remembering the frock she had worn the weekend before, thought he was probably right " - but they're bound to be better than my bathrobe."

He disappeared upstairs, leaving Lily to her garbled thoughts, but soon returned with a large cardboard box in his hands. Looking slightly apologetic, he emptied the contents of the box onto the sitting room rug, and a large pile of black, starched dresses and heavy robes rolled out, each uglier than the previous. Lily kneeled by the pile of dusty fabric and lifted the garments up one by one. None of them looked even remotely like something she would have worn under any other circumstances, but Severus was right: at this point anything was better than the garment she was currently wearing.

"If I manage to squeeze myself into these, I'll definitely feel like a proper witch," Lily said as she examined a set of heavy, rustling robes with long, wide sleeves. "You know, the kind that eats children for supper and has a large mole on her nose."

"Well, I think the one you wore last time suited you," Severus said. "It was very..." but he paused and didn't continue, probably unable to come up with anything nice to say about the gloomy, too-tight dress Lily had squeezed herself into the week before.

"...close to ripping at the seams," Lily finished the sentence for him. She made a face as she spread one particularly gloomy looking set of dark grey high-collared robes against her body and tried to stretch the fabric over her midriff. "God, your mum was skinny. Is eating a banned activity in the Snape family or something?"

Severus looked a little embarrassed. His eyes lingered on the ghastly dress she was trying against herself, and then he went to the window and peeked out of the curtain. It was still raining, the brief glimpse of the yard that Lily saw was bleak and stony. The lone tree standing by the gate – a runty thing which looked like it would have been put to better use as firewood than as yard decoration – was presently being mauled by the strong wind. As Lily peered over Severus's shoulder, a branch came off of it and flew over the gate where it fell on the ground. A lone, miserable dog was barking somewhere in the distance, begging to be let in from the storm. Lily threw the dress into the pile of discarded outfits and sighed.

"Never thought I'd say this," she said dispiritedly. "But I sort of wish I was Dumbledore right now. Or at least that I was as skilled as he is. He could shoot perfectly tailored clothes out of his wand, like it was nothing."

"Well, he was a Professor of Transfiguration," Severus said, without turning. He sounded thoughtful, like his mind was working on something completely else. "I suppose we know why he was hired in the first place, then."

"Dumbledore in a job interview. That's a bizarre thought," Lily muttered as she examined another dress against her body, before throwing it into the pile of potentially acceptable garments. "I don't suppose you're any good at transfiguring clothes?" She asked desperately.

"No," Severus said. He let the curtain fall back down and turned towards her. "It hasn't exactly been at the top of my list of things that interest me. But I can check the Ministry's library for some books about it, if you want..."

"I think that's probably a good idea," Lily said as she inspected a corseted set of muslin robes with a stiff, high collar which looked ready to strange anyone who dared to pull the garment over their head. "Honestly. How did your dad not realise your mum was a witch before they married? Because I've never seen a more witchy collection of robes in my life."

"I guess she wore more Muggle-ish clothes back then. And those are not robes, by the way. That's one of her summer dresses."

Lily gave the gloomy frock another glance, and thought it best to keep her opinion about the garment to herself. She chucked it into the pile of discarded clothes rather quickly, thinking that after having had an intimate look at Eileen Snape's outfit collection, Severus's weird childhood clothes suddenly made a whole lot more sense. She didn't know if the thought made her more amused or sad.

After sorting through the clothes, Lily carried the pile of acceptable clothes into her room to see if any of them actually fit her, while Severus took the rest back up to his room. Apart from an old dressing gown nothing was really her size, but after she had poked at the garments long enough with James's wand, a few stretched enough to allow her to squeeze herself inside. Some of the dresses just ripped at the seams; one happily caught fire, making Lily throw it off her hands with a shriek. To her horror, James's wand chose to stop working altogether at that moment, dripping just a few badly odoured drops of something resembling pus on the floor when Lily attempted to spray water out of it; meanwhile the fiery garment had set the dry floorboards on fire. Luckily her magical mishap didn't wind up burning the whole house down; Severus rushed in to spray water over the bedroom floor just in time before the fire had reached the bed, while Lily just hovered uselessly by the door, stuttering her embarrassed apologies as she stared at the utter destruction before her.

"I'm _really_ starting to hate this wand," Lily muttered as she stared at the charred, wet floorboards, which Severus was slowly mending with his own, enviably functioning wand. "It just rebels more and more the longer I have it. I swear I might just as well go and break a sprig off the tree on the yard and use that instead – it would probably do a better job. I can't wait to get mine back."

The idea that James was alive and she would soon enough be getting her own wand back cheered her up slightly. Severus just gave the wand in her hand a dark look, and after Vanishing the sad, still-smoking remains of the dress, left her to get changed in the bedroom which now smelled considerably more like smoke and burned wood than before. Resigning to her fate, Lily simply chucked James's wand into the drawer of the bedside table and made up her mind to practice wandless spells instead.

Because Lily's sleeping rhythm had turned upside down, she found herself getting drowsy before long. After changing out of the too-large bathrobe for good, and after putting on one of Eileen Snape's dresses (she had Vanished most puff sleeves and starched collars to varying degrees of success), Lily thought she might take a nap; the idea of turning off her brain for a moment was tempting. But just as she was crawling between the sheets, there was a knock on the door and Lily shuffled back up to let Severus in. After one look at what must have been Lily's ghastly ashy and tired face peering at him through the ajar door, Severus's face fell.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you. I just thought it would be a good idea to tell you a little bit about the security," he said, hesitating. "But you look tired. I'll come back later."

"No, it's all right," Lily hurried to say before he had had the time to turn on his heel and disappear down the creaky stairway. "I'll come with you."

And so she dispiritedly trudged behind Severus as they descended back downstairs, while Severus listed all of the security measures he currently employed, while Lily just nodded, trying hard to remember everything, but too tired and dull-headed to remain enthusiastic.

"I enchanted the windows while you were gone, so that nobody can see inside... and I already showed you the ward bell, didn't I? It sets off an alarm if anyone comes in through the gate or is at the door. If it ever goes off when I'm not here – actually, scratch that, even if I _am_ here – there's a hidden room where you can go and hide," Severus said and showed Lily how to access a lever behind the large, green-bound opus in one of the bookcases in the sitting room. "I want you to go inside and stay there until I tell you it's safe to come out."

"But the Death Eaters don't come _here_ , do they?" Lily asked him nervously as she peered at the lever, momentarily lost in a frightening idea of You-Know-Who himself showing up behind Severus's door for an impromptu social visit.

"They never have," Severus reassured her, but Lily noticed he looked slightly worried as he said it. He pulled the lever. "I'm usually called, if need be. This sort of area... it's not the kind where they would come willingly. But that doesn't mean they might not one day."

"Just how do they call -?" Lily asked, but forgot what she was about to ask because she had to jump backwards so that the opening bookcase wouldn't hit her in the face, and she nearly tripped over the long frock she was wearing and fell towards Severus, just barely managing not to collapse straight into his arms. She quickly straightened herself and pretended to check the lever behind the green opus again to hide her flushed cheeks.

Severus gestured at her to follow as he disappeared through the dark doorway. Lily followed him into the cold, slightly damp room, and chills went down her spine when she found herself standing somewhere very close to him in the cramped space, in impenetrable darkness. Groping her way, she found Severus's arm, but quickly let go when a bright orb of light appeared to the ceiling of the room, conjured in place by Severus. Looking around herself, she found the tiny room to be mostly empty. Only a couple of cardboard boxes, shrivelled with moisture, lined the walls.

"In a pinch, if something unexpected happens – if I'm killed, for instance – you can Disapparate out of the back left corner of the room," Severus said. "Come, I'll show you where you have to stand..."

He said things like that more than once, as though he was half-expecting he might get murdered at any given day, and his matter-of-fact tone chilled Lily, who couldn't quite make up her mind whether he was serious or not.

"Do you think they'll find out, then?" She couldn't help but ask him after he had once again hinted at some impending doom lurking in the unforeseeable future. "That you're hiding me here, I mean?"

"Don't worry," Severus said. "You're safe here, I promise."

"No, I mean... _you'll_ be safe, won't you?"

Severus turned to look at her in the dim light cast by the orb hanging over their heads. His eyes softened, and Lily's heartbeat quickened.

"Don't worry about it," Severus said. "I can take care of myself. And if you don't tell anyone you're here, no one will ever know."

After Severus had given her the house tour and showed her how to stop the wards from jingling, he excused himself upstairs, where Lily soon heard the loud sounds of furniture dragging across the floorboards, and guessed he had started refurnishing the room where he was now staying. She again felt a little guilty for having robbed him of his bedroom.

Not having anything to do, Lily sneaked back upstairs and into bed, intending to resume her napping intentions, but to her disappointment she was now unable to fall asleep. Tossing in the bed, Lily listened to the raging rain assaulting the old house, and thought of her own home, not far from here, her insides throbbing with longing. And when she thought of Dumbledore's prediction that Voldemort was far from done trying to find her, she felt, for the first time, genuine fear over her hopeless situation. How long could she continue hiding from him? What if someone found out Severus was keeping her here, and they would both be killed? Perhaps she should have accepted Dumbledore's offer and moved into a safe house after all. Anguished, she laid in bed until the storm calmed down and the sounds of furniture dragging across the floor ceased, until finally giving up trying to fall asleep, and getting out of bed to go and find Severus.

Lily found him from the kitchen, and the familiar sounds of a sharp knife rasping against a cutting board and the bubbling of boiling water, which Lily strongly associated with the Potions classroom, first led her to mistakenly believe he was preparing some sort of a potion. But when she peered through the kitchen door at what he was doing, she realised he appeared to be cooking lunch: a recipe book perched against an empty saucepan, he was cutting up ingredients, his black eyes following the lines in concentration. They turned towards Lily when she appeared into the doorway.

"Do you need any help?" Lily asked a little shyly, taking in the methodically arranged ingredients on the table in front of him, and the way he had rolled his sleeves up. Her eyes lingered on the veins on his arms, and on his long fingers, wet with the juice of the carrots he had been cutting, and she finally had to wrench her eyes away.

"No, thank you," Severus said and tossed the carrots into a pan, then pulled out a large pike from its rustling paper wrappings, and beheaded the fish in one quick motion.

Lily sat down on the chair – the same one she had so far always sat on – and watched him fillet the pike with certain, swift movements. Her staring didn't appear to bother Severus, who seemed to give the task at hand his full concentration. Lily couldn't help but smirk a little when she realised that she was casually watching a Death Eater cooking. But then her smirk died when she realised there actually wasn't anything funny about him being a Death Eater, and again wondered how she should suggest to him that he should switch sides. Hesitant to approach such a loaded subject when she had hardly gotten used to the idea she was staying with him, she instead asked him about something that had bothered her since morning.

"Where did you learn Legilimency? They didn't teach that at school," She said, watching him settle the fish fillets onto a baking tray and push them into the oven. Severus turned to wash his hands in the sink. Lily thought she saw a quick flash of a tattoo on his arm before he rolled his sleeves down, but before she had the time to ask him about it, Severus turned back towards her.

"I studied it on my own," he said. "I'm not sure if you noticed, but I stopped going to classes last spring. I spent most of that time studying advanced stuff, the sort that didn't fit into the regular curriculum."

"Of course I noticed you stopped coming to classes," Lily said, staring at his now-clothed arm. "I thought you had quit school or something. But how can you study something like that on your own? Don't you, um, need someone else to practice with?"

Severus shook his head.

"You can use animals," he said. "They're easier. When you're a beginner, that is. When you get better you can move on to humans."

"But isn't it illegal?" Lily asked him, feeling her cheeks heat up slightly when she thought of his quick dip into her head that morning. "I mean, it's quite... private, isn't it? To go and rummage through someone's head like that."

"It's only illegal if you're caught," Severus said, and Lily thought he looked slightly amused. "I used Filch as a study subject when I first moved on to humans. I doubt he even knows what Legilimency is."

"Poor Filch," Lily muttered compassionately.

"I don't remember you sympathising with him as much on our third year when he caught you sneaking in the corridors past curfew and made you scrub all the girls' toilets without magic."

"True," Lily said, her pity vanishing. "God, he really was a prick, it was only fifteen minutes past curfew! I'd have made it back to the common room if it wasn't for Peeves who decided to start throwing wet paper towels at me just for fun... Filch was just angry because he had to clean the wet paper mush off the floors and he took it out on me..."

Lily spent a few bitter moments reliving the unfairness of having had to spend hours scrubbing the dirty toilet bowls, while Severus cleaned the cutting board with his wand, then started chopping onions.

"Well, Filch was better than Pringle," Lily finally said, and grimaced. "I still have the mark on my wrist from where he caned me on first year, remember?" She absent-mindedly rubbed her right wrist, where a faded white mark reminded her of the first time in her life she remembered of truly being afraid of another human being. "You know, I was so afraid mum would pull me out of school if I wrote her about it, that I just told her an owl had scratched me when she asked about the mark. I think she's been afraid of owls ever since."

Severus turned to chuck the knife into the sink in a rather violent manner.

"Luckily he got sacked after that year," he said coldly. "Filch is annoying but mostly harmless. Pringle was something else entirely. I saw his face when he caned you - I'll never forget it. He enjoyed it, the twisted mongrel. Probably lived for just such occasions, when he could beat some eleven-year-old for bringing in slush or something just as trivial."

"I was pretty terrified of him," Lily admitted. "I'd never met a more scary man in my life. Nobody was happier than I was when he left. I wonder what happened to him after..."

"I don't know, but I hope he died in some unpleasant accident," Severus said, his lips a tight line.

A little flustered, Lily tried to find something else to say; whenever Severus got dark like that, he looked much more like a Death Eater, and not even the fact he was cooking made that thought any less uncomfortable. Finally she asked him to tell what else he had been studying in the spring when the rest of the seventh years had been re-reading an entire magical education's worth of textbooks. Severus seemed to calm down a little, and when they ate, both shared some tentative pieces of information about their lives during the last few years, though avoiding talking about anything too serious. Lily quickly noticed that Severus's face turned stiff whenever she mentioned anything related to her time living with James, and so she mostly told him about her work in St. Mungo 's, and was surprised to learn he had tried to come and find her from there on Friday.

"But I was there then!" She exclaimed, her fork slipping off her hand and ending up on the floor with a clink. Red-faced, she bent to pick it up. "I must have been downstairs while you went up to look for me!"

"Some old man in a wheelchair told me you had left with somebody," Severus said. "With some... man."

"Yeah, I did – with Dumbledore!" Lily said. "He came to meet me, we had tea downstairs! Oh my God, that's what Mr. Appleby was talking about when I came back! He was asking me if a boyfriend had come to see me, or something along those lines... I thought he was talking about Dumbledore..."

"So... you're saying I basically walked right past you on my way to the lifts?" Severus asked.

For a moment they both sat in silence; Lily was pondering about the many weird twists and turns that had somehow led her to stay in Spinner's End.

"Well... you found me anyway," Lily finally said shyly. "Thank you for coming to get me."

"Of course I did," Severus said softly, and looked like he meant it.

Lily's eyes lingered on him when he rose from the table and poured them two glasses of wine. They sat sipping their drinks in silence, and Lily couldn't quite make up her mind whether it was an uncomfortable or a comfortable sort of silence. If she had earlier in the week thought her feelings about Severus were confused, it was nothing to the present moment, where they had suddenly found themselves living under the same roof, both circling around the dozen or so taboo subjects they had accumulated during the years. And Severus was just so different, there was no denying it. The longer Lily spent time with him, the better she realised that he was no longer just the boy she remembered. He had, at some point without her realising it, grown up into a man. She wished she could have ogled him in peace, taken in all of the little things that had changed about him, but of course she couldn't, so she tried to just keep her eyes fixed towards her wine glass, without failing to use the opportunity to stare at him whenever he said something and she could do so without feeling quite as much like a creep.

After they had eaten, Severus returned upstairs and Lily again heard him start moving furniture around. Lily curled up onto the sofa to read one of the trashy novels Eileen Snape had once upon a time stashed up; it was quite weird to think that she (whom Lily remembered from her youth as a pretty severe, uptight-looking lady) was such a closet romantic, but nevertheless she found her taste in books quite entertaining. The rain continued outside, though the wind had calmed down. The grandfather clock, which announced the time every hour, had just struck two in the afternoon when Severus returned to the sitting room, his black hair covered in a layer of dust that made him look a decade older. There was a sheen on his red face.

"I'm going to take a shower," he announced, wiping his forehead with an equally dusty hand. "Are you all right meanwhile?"

Lily shrugged. "I was while you were in your room, so I assume so."

"All right. Uh, come and get me if you need anything."

"Um... I think I'm good, but all right," Lily said, thinking that apart from a sudden Death Eater attack, nothing would make her go and interrupt him in the middle of a shower.

Severus disappeared back upstairs, and Lily heard the pipes start gurgling in the walls when the shower was turned on a few minutes later. She returned to her book. The duchess had just asked the farm boy to unfasten her corset, and things were about to turn saucy. Lily turned the page, listening to the sounds of the shower mingling with the sounds of rain.

 _I wonder if he really has gotten a tattoo_ , Lily thought, remembering the brief flash of ink she had imagined seeing on Severus's arm when he had washed his hands. The idea that he had was oddly intriguing. _When did he get that?_ _I never pegged him as the sort of a bloke who would get one. But a tattoo, and that scar... it's quite sexy, isn't it? I wonder if he'd show me the tattoo if I asked. I wonder what the rest of him looks like, right now, in the shower..._

She flushed vigorously at her trail of thought, made only worse by the erotic scene unfolding in her novel. She quickly dismissed any further thoughts related to Severus's naked body, and tried to concentrate on her book, but unfortunately it wasn't doing much as means of distraction, and Lily finally snapped it shut, wondering whether she should give _Swamp flora and fauna: a splendid symbiosis_ a chance after all.

Severus reappeared after twenty minutes or so, looking fresh in a new set of high-collared robes, his hair again wet and pushed back like before. But there was a frown on his face, and Lily immediately became alert, all thoughts of his potential tattoos or any other things covered by his clothes vanishing from her mind. Severus came to sit in the armchair by the dark fireplace, absent-mindedly smoothing his hair.

"What is it?" Lily asked him, tensing up. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes, everything's fine. It's just that... well, I was just thinking in the shower..." Severus said, his frown deepening. "Lily, do you have any idea what a Patronus is?"

Lily shook her head. "No. But it sounds like a guardian, or something like that, doesn't it?"

Severus nodded, looking worried. "I'm not sure if the Patronus that was here could see me, but I think it sensed me. Or at least, it sensed you were with somebody."

Lily realised she had completely forgotten to ask Dumbledore about his Patronus. She thought back on the morning.

"I got this feeling he knew something, too," Lily admitted. "I mean... not about you, necessarily. But I feel like he guessed something was off..." she thought back on the meeting. "But I told him I'm staying with my parents. If the Patronus sensed someone else in the room with me when it came, he'd probably think it was my mum or dad. Dumbledore asked me where I was staying, so I don't think he was aware where his Patronus had been."

Severus stared at her with a thoughtful look on his face.

"I hope so," he finally said, looking slightly frustrated. "I don't particularly enjoy speculation, though. I think I'll visit the Ministry's library tomorrow and see if I can find any information about Patronuses."

"I guess I could just ask Dumbledore about it the next time I see him," Lily said thoughtfully. "Now that you mentioned it, it's bothering me too, and I don't like guessing either. So if he knows about you, or about something else, I'd rather just hear it from him rather than keep guessing."

Severus paused.

" _When_ you next see him?" He asked. "You're not actually thinking of going back to those meetings, are you? With the resistance group?"

"He didn't say anything about any Order meetings, actually, but I guess I will go to them when he calls us back together," Lily said and frowned. "But he wants to meet me alone, too. For some sort of private... lessons."

Severus blanched. "You have to be joking! You mean you're actually going to continue on with this? At the risk of yourlife?"

"Well, yeah," Lily said; he stared at her with an incredulous look on his face. "Of course I am. It's the only way You-Know-Who can be stopped," she paused for a moment and held her breath, peering at him cautiously. Her pulse quickened. "And... and I thought maybe _you_ could join us," she continued slightly breathlessly. "You would have so much information which would be helpful to Dumbledore..."

Severus stared at her, his mouth slightly ajar, long enough to make Lily uncomfortable. Then he snapped it shut. In a split second, his entire being changed, became guarded.

"And what would ever motivate me to do something like that?" He asked. "Why would I ever do something so stupid?"

Lily stared at him in bewilderment.

"But... but you're already sort of on our side, aren't you?" she said uncertainly. "You've helped me and gone against the orders given to you. Doesn't that mean..." but her voice trailed when she noticed Severus's expression. He stared at her like he had just caught her blending poison into his morning pumpkin juice.

"I have helped you because I care whether you live or die," Severus said in a forcedly calm tone of voice. "And because the idea of my old dorm mates raping and killing you is extremely disturbing to me. But you are wrong if you think I will abandon my side and join some club of teenage renegades led by a demented old man who never lifted a finger to help me when I needed him. If you think I'll join some stupid little club together with you and _James Potter_ -" he basically spat out James's name, then paused, seemingly trying to hold himself together, before continuing with one last fatal sentence: "You are dead wrong."

Lily stared at him, his words sinking in like daggers. She had to blink quickly because her vision had suddenly become blurred by abrupt tears rising into her eyes.

"I just thought..." she started in a choked voice, staring at him imploringly through the haze - but she couldn't continue; there was a lump in her throat. She drew a deep breath.

"You thought what?" Severus asked.

"I thought you were _good._ That even if you've made mistakes, you're still _good_ , Severus. I thought you cared -"

"I care about your safety," Severus interrupted coldly. "I don't care about Dumbledore and his pathetic attempts to stop the Dark Lord from seizing control of the Ministry. The Dark Lord will succeed. And I intend to help him."

Lily gasped as though Severus had literally wounded her, and curled deeper into the sofa, like it was her safe haven from his hurtful words.

"But if he wins, everything's going to be ruined," she whimpered, clasping a hand over her mouth. "Muggleborns... we'll be exiled, or worse! How can you not care, Severus!"

Severus seemed to hesitate for a heartbeat.

"I believe the Dark Lord is not nearly as interested in blood purity as many of his followers are," he finally said. "I think that once he's seized power, Muggleborns will still be allowed to work and be a part of the wizarding world."

"Why would you think that?" Lily asked through her palm. She turned her head away, unable to look at him. It made her nauseous to think Severus really was a Death Eater, that it wasn't just some mistake, some foolishness she could shake him out of. "Muggleborns can hardly find employment even now! And he's a vicious, cruel, evil person, Severus! Why on Earth do you think he'd allow Muggleborns to exist in his regime?"

"Because there aren't enough pure-bloods left to run the Ministry, let alone the rest of the Wizarding Britain. And because I've spoken with him," Severus said.

"You... you've met..." Lily stuttered in shock, but Severus cut her off.

"He didn't care about my heritage," he said. "And he believes you've killed Morland and Horton, and because of that he's interested in recruiting you - despite knowing you're a Muggleborn."

" _Interested in recruiting me?_ " Lily laughed incredulously. Her laughter died as quickly as it had begun, a cold fist suddenly clutching her heart. She let her hand drop from her mouth and turned her eyes back towards Severus. She measured him from head to toe.

"Is that what you're trying to do?" She asked in a dull tone. "Is that why you wanted me to stay? You're trying to... recruit me?"

"Is that what _you're_ trying to do?" Severus asked in return. His face was smooth and expressionless. "Recruit me to your resistance group?"

Lily stared at him, equally expressionlessly. For a moment both just stared at each other, nothing but distrust between them. The moment barely two hours ago, when they had sat by his kitchen table and reminisced upon Filch and Pringle suddenly seemed like it had happened a lifetime ago, and Lily's heart was literally hurting when she realised she couldn't trust him after all. Perhaps seeing something in her eyes, Severus was the first to turn his gaze away.

"I'm not trying to recruit you," he said quietly. "If that was my goal, I wouldn't have needed to show up to Potter's house, would I? The others would have taken you to the Dark Lord. I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"From the Death Eaters? Why, if they're so harmless?" Lily shot.

Severus said nothing. Lily stared at him, waited him to say something, anything, but he just stared at the rug between them, wet pearls of water still glistening in his jet black hair.

"If You-Know-Who's trying to recruit me, I've got to tell Dumbledore," Lily said finally. "He thinks I'd be killed instead."

"He would tell you to join us," Severus said bitterly. "Just so you could spy for him. But it wouldn't work – you'd be killed. Or how do you think you'd fare against the Dark Lord in Occlumency?"

Lily grimaced.

"...And besides, how do you intend to tell Dumbledore about this without revealing it was I who told you?" Severus continued. "Or does it no longer matter to you whether you have my consent or not?"

"Of course it matters - I already told you," Lily snapped, her heart aching. "But what do you propose then? For me to sit around doing nothing? Even though I have so much information that could help? I'm not _you,_ Severus. _I_ actually care."

Severus stared at the rug for a long time. He seemed to wrestle with something; Lily could practically see him thinking. Then he walked over to the sofa – Lily cringed away from him – and sat down next to her. She recoiled when he reached to take her hands into his. He held her hands lightly, and Lily was frozen, unsure what to do. But Severus didn't seem angry, or aggressive, or in any way threatening. In fact, all of a sudden he looked quite timid and gentle.

"It's like this," Severus said, and his voice was soft and soothing now, like it had been the day before when he had tried to calm Lily down from her hysteria. "You asked me if I'm good or not."

"Well, _are_ you?" Lily interrupted. Severus just stared at their hands.

"Your hands are cold," he said pensively, receiving an incredulous huff from Lily in return. The sides of his mouth turned slightly downwards. He stroked her hands gently, and seemed to think carefully what to say. Finally he drew a deep breath. "I'm not good, Lily. There is no such thing as good or evil, or at least I don't think there is. Please, listen -" he said quickly, because Lily had tried to pull her hands away from his. "Please, Lily, listen. You don't understand me; it's obvious. But I'm trying to explain, if you'll let me."

His eyes were imploring as he stared at her. Lily stared at him coldly for a moment, but finally nodded stiffly. She couldn't help it – she didn't want to hear his excuses, but this soothing voice he had assumed was almost hypnotic. And a part of her really was curious to understand him.

"I know you don't think of things the same way that I do," Severus continued. "You're so different from me that way. But I'll try and explain anyway... to explain why I support the Dark Lord. I didn't join the Death Eaters on just some whim. I joined them because it made sense. It still does."

"But Severus... it doesn't make sense, it just doesn't," Lily interrupted, and tears rushed back into her eyes. "Everything they stand for is evil! Don't you see -"

"Please, Lily," Severus said impatiently, and Lily snapped her mouth shut. Severus squeezed her hands in a silent thank you.

"Just tell me, then," Lily sighed, and turned her eyes towards their joined hands, blinking quickly to keep the tears from falling. Severus moved his hands so that he was holding both her hands gently between his, warming them up. She flinched when he spoke again.

"The Dark Lord will win this war, or whatever you want to call this," Severus said quietly. "That's a fact. The current Minister is against him, but she will be removed soon enough, and with her, the rest of the political resistance will simply cease to exist. The Ministry is already corrupt; it won't take much effort to seize absolute control. There will be nobody left but Dumbledore to challenge the Dark Lord, and if the only thing he's so far managed is a group consisting of a few teenagers and a couple of Aurors, he's not going to win. He's just a Headmaster, Lily. Brilliant, yes... but still just a Headmaster. There is no army, no real resistance – just this little club Dumbledore has scraped up."

"But I'm sure he has a plan to -"

" _There is no big plan to save the world_ , _Lily_. I'm sorry, but there's just not. There's just Dumbledore, alone, grasping at straws and hoping for a miracle. What has he actually done to stop the Dark Lord? What _can_ he do? You saw it yourself on Friday, Lily! The entire Order could barely hold up against six of ours."

Lily wanted to argue against him, but her heart was sinking at every word Severus was saying. She suddenly remembered how all throughout the summer in the Order's Headquarters, they had just spent their days playing Exploding Snap and Quidditch, waiting for Dumbledore to finally take them in on the action... but had there really been any action? Was Severus right? Had they already... lost?

"Where are you going with this?" Lily whispered, feeling nauseous.

"Dumbledore is the sort of a person who believes that it's better to just get yourself blown up on a moral principle than to stand around doing nothing," Severus said gently. "On _his_ moral principle, that is. And he's willing to drag everyone naïve enough to buy his optimism down with him. But I don't think that way. I only care about surviving. I'm a half-blood, Lily -" he sounded a little vulnerable when he said it "- and that means that once the Dark Lord is in power, no matter how smart I was or how excellent my grades, I still wouldn't have much prospects - not against his pure-blood followers who will be awarded the best positions at the Ministry. But if I supported him on his way to power... and if I would manage to keep my background a secret... there's nothing I couldn't do. I wouldn't have to worry about my shameful roots tarnishing all my work."

"But you just said that he would allow Muggleborns to continue on as normal," Lily pointed out bitterly, blinking back tears. She felt disgusted, her mind rebelling against what Severus was saying about Dumbledore and the Order. She wanted to trust in Dumbledore, wanted to think that the Order stood a chance... but...

 _The Order is not an execution squad_ , Dumbledore had said. _We do not go around distributing death sentences..._

What did they do, then?

"Not as normal," Severus said slowly. "Probably... in lower positions... or possibly not in the Ministry at all... in the service industry, and..."

Lily was quiet. Severus was grasping at her hands tighter now, like he was afraid she might bolt out of the door any moment now. His wet hair had fallen back to frame his face as per usual, and he peered through the curtain of hair with an uncharacteristically vulnerable look on his face. Lily couldn't look at him in the eyes, and so she turned her gaze towards the black tips of his hair grazing at his shoulders.

"I don't think there's anything shameful about your roots," Lily said quietly, clinging on to the only thing she knew in her heart to still be true. "Or about mine for that matter. I'm sorry you're so ashamed by them. And I'm sorry you're supporting someone who thinks it's all right to judge people based on their heritage."

"But he will win anyway," Severus said, sounding desperate. "What's the use trying to fight something when you're bound to lose? When you can take advantage of it instead?"

"To keep your dignity and self-respect," Lily said. She raised her eyes back to his, stared at him defiantly. "To do the _right thing_ , Severus. To put your foot down and not accept injustice when it's happening right before your eyes. Isn't that what Dumbledore is doing? You can't just... you can't just remain a _silent bystander_ and let bad things happen just because it's inconvenient for you to interfere, or because you're afraid. How can you not see it, Severus? How can you not see how important it is?"

She tried to catch his eye but he didn't meet her gaze.

"Lily, you were always there for me. For years," Severus said quietly. "You always stood up for me, and kept saying how unfair it was what Potter and his gang did to me. And then what happened?"

"Don't drag them into this," Lily warned, her mind spinning. "I didn't approve what they did. I'm not taking their side."

"No," Severus said softly, and turned his eyes back towards her. "But you stopped taking _my_ side. You stopped getting involved at all. You became one of those silent bystanders yourself, Lily - letting things happen simply because it became too much of a personal inconvenience for you to interfere. Where were those noble principles of yours then?"

Lily snapped her mouth shut. He had spoken calmly, without blame, but Lily felt shame wash over herself. Their sixth year flashed before her eyes; all those times she had made excuses to her friends about having left her quills into the dorms, or about having to go to the loo, just so she could escape the scene if she turned the corner and saw something she didn't want to see... how she had secretly been relieved when by the end of the year Severus had started holding up better, and the Marauders seemed to stop ambushing him so often when it was him who started sending them to the Hospital Wing...

"That's... that's different," Lily stuttered. "Don't try and change the subject. We're talking about _killing_ here, not just some stupid teenage scuffles..."

Her cheeks reddened under his gaze, and she remembered the look on his face when he had yelled at her that she was a hypocrite, right before throwing her out. She tensed up, expecting the worst. But this time, Severus just smiled tiredly.

"If that's how you prefer to see it."

Lily just stared at him, not knowing what she felt at that moment. It was like each and every possible feeling was warring inside her. Severus sighed again.

"Are you going to leave now?" he asked after a moment's silence.

"I don't know," Lily said honestly.

A tremor passed over Severus's face. He loosened his hold on her hands.

"If you want to go, I understand," he said, and turned his head away. His resigned expression suggested that he was expecting her to just jump up and flee the house, and leave him sitting there without any further discussion. Lily stared at him, at his down-turned lips, at the familiar curtain of hair hanging over the side of his pale face.

She felt a sudden, seething rage gripping her. She had lost everything, even her belief in the Order; her belief in her own morals even - and now he expected her to just leave? For one brief, insane moment Lily wanted to slap his resigned face, wanted to force him to take back his words about Dumbledore, about _everything_. She roughly yanked her hands away from his.

"Where the hell would I even go?" She hissed. Severus jerked in surprise. Lily jumped up, towering over him. "My life is in bloody ruins!" She shrieked at him. "Eight days ago my life was just fine!" Lily continued screaming at him, tears in her eyes. Severus just remained on the sofa and stared at her with those deep, dark eyes."I had a place I could call home, I could go outside without having to fear getting ambushed by some disgusting rapists – I had a job, and friends I didn't have to lie to. You-Know-Who didn't even know I existed let alone tried to hunt me down! And now I'm stuck here because what else am I going to do? Where am I supposed to _go_? Sit in some safe house, alone, just waiting for _something_ to happen? Wait for some crumbs of information from Dumbledore? Move back in with James and play his happy little wife? Or go back to my parents' and plaster a fucking smile on my face and pretend that everything's fine, when it's not, and never will be again? I've lost my _life_! What am I supposed to _do_ , Severus?"

Without meaning to, Lily's angry shouts had turned into exhausted, pleading crying. She buried her face into her hands and wept without shame or humiliation even under his dark gaze, surrendering herself completely to self-pity. Her hands were shaking against her face, and she realised she was trembling from head to toe. The reality of the situation finally hit her in all its hopelessness. Her life as she knew it was over, and there was no end in sight to the nightmare her life had suddenly become. She felt trapped, unwanted, alone.

"It's just not fair," she sobbed against her palms. "Why is this happening?"

She felt Severus get up from the sofa, and then his arms were around her; she didn't resist when he pulled her tightly against him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and let him pull her back on the sofa, where she slumped against his chest and wept.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Severus whispered into her ear, like he was somehow to blame for everything that had gone wrong in her life.

"What am I supposed to do?" She cried against him, helplessly. "Everything's gone, Severus. My _whole life._ There's nothing left of it."

"There's me," Severus whispered. "I'm here."

Lily hugged him as tightly as she could in response. She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her face against his neck, blocking away everything else but the reassuring throbbing of his pulse and his scent, which she would have recognised anywhere and which reminded her of her own home; of things that were safe and familiar.

His neck was warm against Lily's cheek, and his pulse was strong, even, and Lily thought how wonderfully alive he was, and how dead he could have been if things had gone even just a little differently, and she clung to him even tighter, like she was afraid he too would vanish if she didn't hold on to him. Severus cradled her gently and continued to whisper things into her ear. They melted into a wonderful, silky string of promises and reassurances, washing away the hurt from his earlier words.

"You're safe here, I swear to God, I will keep you safe," he whispered. "Nothing will happen to you, I promise, Lily, you're safe. Please trust me."

"You smell nice, Sev," Lily at some point mumbled in return. "Like home."

He went quiet after that. Finally Lily's tears stopped and her breathing calmed. Severus didn't push her away when she stopped crying, and so she just laid there and listened to the monotonic sounds of his heartbeat and the rain beating the window behind the sofa. She felt exhausted. She felt like had not Severus been holding her, she would have crumbled into pieces from the sheer unwillingness to exist and continue feeling all these emotions assaulting her.

"I don't want to leave," she finally whispered, her voice hoarse from crying.

"Then stay," Severus whispered back. He moved his face an inch and Lily felt him bury his nose into her hair. He sighed. "You smell nice too. Like something... floral..."

"It's not floral," Lily mumbled against his neck. "It's your soap."

Severus stroked her hair gently, then pushed a lock of it behind her ear.

"No," he whispered against her hair. "It's just you."

They laid there for a long time after that, neither of them saying anything. Lily wasn't sure how long. Her head was now completely, wonderfully empty. There was just him, and the sound of the rain, and the even swinging sound from the pendulum of the grandfather clock under the stairs.

"I'm sorry I never stood up for you after... that time," Lily whispered against his chest. "You're right, I'm a hypocrite. I should have done something, even if we weren't friends anymore. I just... it was just easier to pretend you didn't even exist. Easier for me... but I was just being selfish. I'm sorry."

"I didn't bring it up to blame you, just to make you understand me," Severus said quietly. "I understand why you did it. I always did. But... thank you."

Lily felt some weight she hadn't even realised she had been dragging around become lifted from her shoulders at his words, and she snuggled even closer to him, feeling a sudden strong affection for him. Severus felt nicely warm against her. He was no longer cradling her, but he kept on gently stroking her hair and her arms, making something inside Lily hum with warmth. She didn't want to leave his arms and return to the harsh reality where she had to think and feel things she didn't want to think and feel.

To do something for him in return, Lily lifted her hand from where it had laid against his chest to gently traced the curve of his neck with her finger, from below his ear all the way to the high collar of his robes; slightly damp where his wet hair met the fabric. He felt hot against her fingers. As Lily watched, the little hairs where the rest of Severus's hair met with his neck rose. Intrigued, Lily slowly traced her fingers over the skin again; goosebumps rose to the side of his neck where her fingers trailed. He liked it, she realised. Feeling strange pleasure at his reaction, Lily traced his skin again, this time starting from somewhere around the side of his face, and slowly trailing her fingers over the curve of his jaw and down his neck, until her fingertips met his collar again. There wasn't enough space to touch him anywhere else. For a moment, Lily hesitated - teetered on the edge of either stopping or continuing.

Then, slowly and slightly clumsily, she undid the topmost button of his collar to reveal just a little more of his cream white skin.

Severus's hands paused, the other on her shoulder and the other in her hair. Lily was still shivering, even though she was no longer cold, and she pressed herself even closer to him. The thick corseted dress and his robes were bundled uncomfortably between them, but she didn't dare to separate herself from his arms long enough to readjust herself, afraid the moment would be broken. She was suddenly hot, but sought even more warmth from him, wanting skin against skin instead of fabric against fabric.

Softly, Lily trailed her fingers over his now revealed Adam's apple; it bobbed when he swallowed, and Lily had the sudden urge to softly bite it, to taste his exposed skin. Right then she realised that she wanted him desperately; the warmth inside her turning into heat. Did he want her? Frightened to be rejected, Lily hesitated, but was just about to tentatively press her lips against the pale strip of hot skin where her fingers had just been, when -

DING DING DING DING.

Some harsh, awful jingling sound penetrated their intimate bubble. Lily jerked. Severus froze against her, his hands grasping her almost roughly for a brief second. Then he pushed her away.

Her mind in utter disarray, Lily scrambled up and away from him, fumbling over her long frock. The jingling sound continued. She panicked when she remembered what had happened the last time she had heard the sudden sounds of bells - Sirius's dead eyes sprung to her mind – she couldn't take this, not now -

Severus was up in a flash, and raised his hand in warning.

"The ward bell," he said, slightly hoarsely. Pushing hair off his slightly flushed face, he leaned over the sofa to crack open the curtain and peer outside into the rainy yard. He frowned.

"What is it?" Lily whispered, hugging herself, her heart beating fast. She feared the worst. "Severus?"

"It looks like there's some Muggle at the gate," Severus said, staring outside. He pursed his lips.

He let the curtain fall back down and straightened himself. He rushed past Lily without looking at her, towards the bookcases on the opposite side of the room. He pressed the lever he had shown Lily earlier, and the bookcase started moving soundlessly to reveal the entrance to the hidden room. The ringing sound from the ward bell changed abruptly, became faster.

Right then, the doorbell rang. Lily jerked at the sound.

"Get inside and lock the door if something unexpected happens," Severus ordered, gesturing at the doorway. He turned to stride out of the room, waving his wand towards the kitchen on the way; the bell above the curtain rung its warning one last time, and then it went quiet.

The doorbell rang again, its sound echoing in the now quiet house.

Lily hovered near the bookcase in bewilderment, unsure if she should go into the hidden room or not. She heard Severus go up to the front door, then the sound of the lock turning. Cold draft circled her legs when the door was pushed open. The sounds of rain became louder, the droplets beating the stone porch.

" _Well, hello there! Glad to find somebody's at home - I was just about to leave,"_ she heard a cheerful male voice. _"And here I was, thinking I had braved the weather for nothing."_

" _Who are you and what do you want?"_ Lily heard Severus's curt reply.

" _Oh, of course, sorry... I'm from the committee."_

" _The what?"_ Severus snapped.

" _The factory committee, of course. Here's my card,"_ the man replied. _"Surely by now you know that the factory has been sold and will be re-opened next year? Very exciting indeed, isn't it? But wait, it just gets better! I'm certain you'll be very interested to know that we're looking to invest in the community and the well-being of our new staff by -"_

" _I can assure you,_ Severus interrupted coldly. _"That there's absolutely nothing I care less about. May I suggest that you remove yourself from my yard?"_

" _But this is a great opportunity for yourself, sir, to -"_

" _Perhaps I didn't make myself clear_. _Get... off... my... yard."_

There was a short pause.

" _Is this a bad time?"_ the man asked uncertainly. _"I can come back..."_

Lily didn't hear Severus's reply, but judging by the sound of the door creaking, he was shutting the door in the man's face.

" _Here, at least have this brochure -"_

The door slammed shut. A very tight-lipped Severus emerged from the mudroom a second later, clutching a pink brochure in his fist, the topmost button of his robes still undone. He sped past Lily and into the kitchen, and chucked the wrinkled brochure into a pile of old newspapers by the windowsill. Lily followed him, and flushed slightly when Severus turned around to face her. She realised her hair was still ruffled where he had caressed it; even her dress was still warm where he had laid against her. But the moment was irreversibly broken, and she felt tremendously awkward again. Severus pushed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the counter behind himself, turning his eyes away from Lily. The grandfather clock chimed in just then to inform that it was three o'clock, it's percussion ringing in the sudden silence.

"Severus Snape, the terror of the factory committee," Lily said awkwardly. "I feel sort of bad for the guy, just doing his job."

"It's Sunday," Severus said quietly. "Who works on a Sunday?"

"The factory committee, apparently," Lily muttered.

Severus said nothing. He turned towards the sink and pointed at the faucet with his wand. Water started pouring out of it, on top of the dirty mugs and plates from their lunch, which promptly started scrubbing themselves clean. He stood with his back on Lily and buttoned his collar back up.

Lily stared at his stiff back for a while. Her heart was still beating quickly, whether from the abrupt if ultimately unwarranted scare or from their earlier activities, she didn't know. Her needy arousal was still throbbing between her legs, wantonly imploring her to go over to him and finish what she had started so many months ago. But with her head back in control, Lily couldn't do it. Severus had squared back into himself, and now that there was distance between them, Lily could barely even fathom that just a moment ago he had been against her, soft and warm and tender.

Flustered and embarrassed, Lily slinked back into the sitting room, where the imprints on the sofa only served to remind her what had nearly happened on it just minutes earlier.


	26. A sorry Monday

**Note 1:** Sorry for the long pause again. I really have no excuse. Unless laziness is an excuse. (Though I have been writing lots of new fics meanwhile!)

But really I have to be honest and admit I probably won't be updating once a week like I once did in the future either, because the chapters are 2/3 longer than they were before (taking up more time to write) and because I hate the idea of carelessly messing up the plot by updating too hastily and either forgetting something or writing something I can't later take back. So bear with me!

 **Note 2:** A Guest left a review wondering how Severus could get away with pretending to be pure-blood when British pure-bloods probably recognise each other by their surnames. Since I can't reply directly to an unregistered user, I'll just jot down my reply here:

In canon it's established that many Death Eaters were just pretending to be pure-blood. Canon Snape did get away with it; he rubbed shoulders with notorious blood-purists, and it's unlikely they were ever aware of his true blood status. For instance Lucius Malfoy is shown to have contempt even for the Weasleys - his fellow pure-blood members of the Sacred Twenty-Eight - simply because of their pro-Muggle ideals, but he appears close with Severus.

One possibility is to lie that they have a foreign pure-blood father (like Severus did in his job interview), which would be the simplest way to explain their unknown surname.

Another interesting possibility is that since it's established that even pure-blood families are ranked according to the 'degree of purity' of their blood, with the Sacred Twenty-Eight such as the Blacks and the Malfoys ranked purer than, say, the Potter family, it's possible that if one claims to be a direct descendant of some very prominent and old pure-blood family, people would look through their fingers at their more questionable family connections. This theory is supported by the fact that Umbridge, a half-blood pretending to be pure-blood, used Riddle's 'S'-engraved locket to boost her creditability by claiming she is related to the Selwyn family (of the Sacred Twenty-Eight).

This is just my own hypothesis but it is possible that Prince was once upon a time a prominent family name, perhaps one that became extinct in the male line like the pure-blood Peverell name did centuries before. Eileen Prince was born in the early 30's, the same decade when the Pure-Blood Directory (where the Sacred Twenty-Eight were first mentioned) was written. If she was the offspring of the last remaining line of Princes, and an only child (or only had sisters), the Prince name would unavoidably become extinct upon her marriage, and for this reason it's possible that the name wouldn't have been included in the Directory. This theory would explain why Severus was so proud to be 'the Half-Blood Prince'. It would also give a satisfactory explanation as to how the teenage Severus was ever accepted into the inner circle of the likes of Rosier, Avery, and Malfoy, all of whom belonged to the Sacred Twenty-Eight and were thus the crème de la crème as far as they themselves were concerned.

In my fic Severus is double-bluffing by relying on his mother's well-known maiden name, and by claiming his own unfamiliar surname is courtesy of Irish roots.

""

 _Monday, what a day! The start to a whole new week!_

Augustus Rookwood

""

Monday dawned dark and damp, its coldness waking Severus up early. The single-glass windows of his house had never really managed to keep the draft out when it got cold, and as he peered out of the second-floor window and into the muddy yard, he felt in his bones for the first time that year that winter was on its way. As he had suspected by the chilliness in his bedroom, the temperature had dropped during the night and turned the rain into greyish slosh, which splashed wetly against the windowsill before melting. Severus set a fire into the downstairs fireplace, and sat down in the kitchen to enjoy a lonely breakfast. His eyes lingered on Lily's empty seat.

Three ruffle-feathered owls arrived when Severus was having his second cup of coffee, having somehow made it through the heavy slush falling from the skies, and chucked their letters on the table before slumping tiredly on the table and taking advantage of the toast buffet. The post was soaked: two identical, wet Daily Prophets, and a letter from Gringotts addressed to Lily Evans, her name written in navy ink which had bled all over the heavy parchment. Severus left the letter on the table for her, and after quickly scanning the day's headlines ("'Mysterious Diagon Alley Killer now on Barbados?' and 'Minister's Misdemeanor: public demands inquest') he tried to listen whether or not he could hear Lily moving upstairs, but to his vexation the sound of rain concealed all other sounds. He sighed.

That wretched salesman. Severus was itching to go and find the man to force down his throat the pile of pink brochures he had dared to come dangle under Severus's nose in the middle of such a pivotal moment in his life; itching almost as badly as he itched to go into Lily's room, climb into the bed and press his body back against her hot warmth. But of course Severus repressed both impulses, and settled instead on sipping his coffee and hoping Lily would show up before he had to leave for work.

Despite his wishing, the door to Lily's bedroom remained closed all throughout the morning, until Severus finally had to accept the fact that he would need to wait until the evening to see her again. The idea of having to wait so long to see what her mood was that day made his insides squirm nervously. But as Severus opened the window to let the reluctant owls out and saw one of his neighbours make a daring run across his puddle-ridden yard, a mauled umbrella over his head, and soon saw him slip and fall on his arse into a giant puddle by the side of his car, he came to congratulate himself upon the fact that as difficult and confusing as things with Lily were, at least he didn't have to spend his Monday morning commuting to work.

Shutting the window and drawing the curtain back, Severus gave up and left a hastily scribbled note on the table informing Lily when he would be back, before walking over to the fireplace and picking up a handful of green powder from the box next to the Curio. He hesitated for a heartbeat and prickled his ears one last time for any sounds with a mingling sense of hopefulness and resignation - he was almost certain that the door to Lily's bedroom would crack open the minute he was gone. But he heard only the sounds of the rain, and the Floo powder kept falling through his fingers and onto the rug, and so he was finally forced to chuck whatever was left of it into the fire and hop in.

As Severus spun in the web of the Floo network his mind was still full of Lily, but his restless train of thought became abruptly interrupted when he stepped out of the emerald flames of the Atrium's fireplaces, and the first sounds of worried whispering reached his ears. He climbed out of the fire, then stopped in his tracks. He tensed up. His eyes flickered around the chamber. As someone who had spent most of his early years assessing the unpredictable moods of his father, Severus immediately knew something was very wrong.

Far from the typical weary hustle and bustle of a Monday morning, a charged atmosphere now hung over the chamber, distinctive as fog. Owls swooshed across the ceiling, notes in their claws; far more of them than was normal at this hour. Many workers springing out of the fireplaces stopped in their tracks like Severus had, looking at the worried frowns around themselves with surprised looks on their faces, before they were pulled into the nearest cluster. More workers started appearing into the fireplace behind Severus, forcing him to move, but when he started slowly advancing towards the lifts he shortened his steps to try and make sense of the hushed, urgent whispers.

"Downstairs, just started, I saw them close the doors -"

" - bound to last all day, though why they waste so much time is beyond me -"

" - tried to keep it out of the press, but soon the place will be full of reporters, mark my words that there will be a special edition of the Daily Prophet -"

"Oy! Attention, please!" The loud voice of a security guard pierced the sounds of the gossiping crowd, making several people around Severus jump. The guard had climbed on the ledge of the fountain in the middle of the Atrium, and was now shooting blue sparks out of his wand to catch the crowd's attention. "If you're not either going or coming, move along! There's more people coming through!"

The whispering resumed, but because the guard had had a valid point and the Atrium was quickly becoming uncomfortably crowded as more and more people came out of the rows of fireplaces and pressed against the loitering groups, people started reluctantly swarming en masse towards the lifts and stairways. Weaving his way through the wall of slowly moving people, Severus hurried out of the Atrium and towards the lifts. The little snippets of conversation he had overheard hadn't made him much wiser, but the agitated tension radiating from the masses was infectious. The lifts seemed to be moving more sluggishly than usual, and Severus found himself tapping his foot impatiently against the marble floor, hoping to get away from the churning, whispering masses behind him - though he had to admit it barely made a difference whether he remained here or whether he spent his day with the whispering veil downstairs.

But before the lift had descended, a large hand abruptly plunged out from behind Severus to clap him on the shoulder.

"Ah! Severus!" A gleeful voice called out.

Severus jumped slightly, and turned to see Rookwood. He looked tremendously pleased with something, his wide grin stretching even wider than usual over his ruddy face. He came to stand next to Severus, who automatically took a step back in loathing.

"Good morning!" Rookwood said, rubbing his hands together. His voice rang strong and loud over the low chorus of muttering; his happiness was in glaring contrast to the worried faces of the crowd surrounding them from all sides. "Monday, what a day! The start to a whole new week!"

"So I've understood," Severus said curtly and inched away from the man to press the button of the lifts again, even though the little light next to it signified the lift was already on its way.

"But _surely_ you've heard," Rookwood said, throwing an annoyingly knowing glance his way. His wolfish grin deepened. "Surely you know what happens today? _Everyone_ knows, Severus, _everyone._ " He gestured at the crowds of people behind him.

"I suppose I'm out of the loop," Severus said through tight lips, despising the man. The lift arrived just then and a group of workers from the upper floors stepped out. After they had pushed through, Severus entered the lifts along with a dozen other people, hoping to get rid of Rookwood in the crowd. Unfortunately Rookwood had other ideas, because he squeezed himself next to Severus in the cramped space and patted him on the shoulder in a manner that Severus found irritatingly patronizing.

"Aha, let's not spoil the surprise, then," Rookwood said piously, clearly savouring the moment. "How much more fun will it be to read it in the papers, huh?" Severus glared at the man, who didn't seem to notice. Rookwood continued: "I'm almost envious - but alas, when one works with the big boys, one can't help but come across these little morsels of gossip. Ah, gossip - the bane of my existence!"

And he threw another wide, unpleasant grin at Severus when the lifts stopped before stepping out. Severus noticed that he didn't continue towards his office, but instead turned the opposite direction – Severus assumed he was on his way to revel in some fresh juicy gossip. _Why do people like this person again?_ Severus wondered, when the lift doors closed and the lifts continued descending. The moment he reached the Department of Mysteries, he went to one of the small office spaces where he found Lydia Roebuck, early as always, inspecting something which looked like a piece of red clay under a magnifier. She lifted her sharp gaze when he appeared, and nodded a greeting. Severus was relieved to notice she looked reassuringly normal and full of her usual stoic energy, as though she was above whatever pesky little thing had turned the rest of the Ministry upside down.

"Morning, Lydia," Severus said. "Do you have any clue what's going on here today?"

"Are you talking about the rampant gossip?" Lydia asked and turned her eyes back towards the piece of clay. She sniffed in clear disdain.

"Yes," Severus said. "I gather it's something big."

"You could say that," Lydia said, and flipped the piece of clay around to inspect the other side. "The Minister was escorted from her house this morning, and is currently sitting in the courtrooms on trial."

"On _trial_?" Severus repeated, frowning. "I was under the impression she'd just get sacked on the grounds of non-confidence. What is she being tried for?"

"Attempts to cover up matters of national security," Lydia said dryly. "Apparently her subordinates have come out with claims that she's bribed and threatened them to keep quiet about all manners of security threats since last Spring. You remember all those weird deaths and disappearances that were on the papers then? And all those news about the Death Eaters? Well, they say that all of that has continued though there's been nothing in the papers - that she's kept the press quiet and created some type of a large cover-up operation to seem more competent. They say that the double-murder that took place on Diagon Alley a week ago was only one of many similar cases, and this one simply slipped through to the press by accident."

"But that's total nonsense," Severus scoffed. He if anyone should know.

"Well, obviously," Lydia said haughtily. "The Daily Prophet has never truly been associated with the Ministry to begin with – it's owned by an independent joint-stock company. And from what I hear, these days it has even less to do with the Ministry than it did before. But it's a valid claim - if they can scrape up any evidence at all. People are scared. They feel fooled. The Death Eaters are classified as terrorists, so covering up their acts of terrorism from the public is a crime. At the very least she'll be sacked, but she may look at as much as ten years in Azkaban."

"Ten years," Severus repeated, and couldn't help the shock creeping into his voice. "Most people don't survive five!"

"Tough luck," Lydia said, sounding unconcerned, though her lips tightened just slightly. She scratched the piece of clay with a metal hook and then made a note in the notebook on the table next to her.

Severus stared at her for a moment, but she seemed to have forgotten his existence altogether and turned her absolute concentration back towards the clump of clay in her hand, and so he turned on his heel to go to the Chamber of Death.

"Oh, and Severus," Lydia called out before he had disappeared through the door. "On Thursday and Friday, you'll be working in the Shell chamber with Shafiq and I - more tests."

"Very well," Severus said reluctantly, his mood sinking. He had hoped to give his full concentration to the Death's Door this week, having found new enthusiasm to crack its mystery after Lily's unexpected arrival back into his life. And on top of that, he really disliked the experiments done to the Shells. He was deep in thought as he made his way towards the chamber where the Arch awaited him, the uncomfortable prickling feeling in his gut which had appeared there the moment he had stepped out of the fireplace intensifying as he opened the door and started descending the winding stone staircase towards the bottom, where the familiar chorus of mysterious whispering greeted him, trying to pull him into the unknown beyond the fluttering veil.

Despite his burning determination, Severus made absolutely no progress before lunch. He had moved on to trying to Tranfigure the runes, and to search for spells to make them reveal their hidden meanings to him, but the spells were useless and the runes stubbornly remained as they were: deep, rough, and incomprehensible. If Severus before had had any doubt about how ancient the stone arch was, all doubt was now removed from his mind: spells like that worked less effectively the older the artefact was. For all he knew, the stone arch with its silently rustling veil had stood at the bottom of the stone pit since the dawn of time. And so he was again left trying to decipher the alphabet, seriously hoping he wouldn't have to resort to coming up with his own Rosetta Stone to decipher the unknown runes.

The familiar headache started bothering him around midday, but he didn't want to go to the infirmary for any more Cottonbrain Potion lest the lady at the front desk start testing him for signs of over-use, and so he swallowed the dull ache and again reminded himself to brew the Potion himself. The calm state of mind which was essential in both Occlumency and remaining in the Chamber of Death longer than ten minutes helped him keep the headache at bay, but when he left the Department of Mysteries for lunch, the headache returned with a vengeance.

He had all but forgotten the weird atmosphere hanging over the Ministry, but as he stepped into the Atrium he again noticed the whispering people lounging by the fountain, and the huddled little groups, which the guards now stubbornly pretended not to notice to avoid having their authority challenged; the people clearly had no intention of leaving, so engrossed in their gossiping they were. The stuffy, oppressing air of the Ministry felt choking, and so Severus passed by the fireplaces of the Atrium, longing for the fresh air outside.

To his disappointment, the rainy London air smelled like exhaust fumes and wet dust, and didn't much help with his headache. The slush had turned into icy rain, which soaked his face in seconds. He again thought of Lily, and pondered whether he should go home for lunch just to see a glimpse of her; surely by now she was up and awake. But the idea of seeing her made him squirm in nervousness. For the hundredth time, he wondered if she had perhaps felt his erection pressing against her while she had laid in his arms the day before, and with a mingling sense of shame and self-blame, wondered if that was the reason she had sat behind closed doors for most of the evening. Perhaps she now thought he was some pervert who got off of crying women or something. Severus finally chickened out and Disapparated straight to Diagon Alley, where the air smelled like Floo powder and ash, and like the chemicals and and ingredients from the Apothecaries, which were set in large barrels outside, shielded from rain with a variety of spells.

Though the Diagon Alley air eased his headache, the oppressing atmosphere of the Ministry seemed to continue to haunt Severus, and as he walked along the serpentine alleys he took notice for the first time to how bleak Diagon Alley looked these days. The streets were deserted and most of the stores closed, some permanently, it seemed. 'Depression', the papers had written, but it seemed like a weird, guarded atmosphere lingered over the cobblestone streets, reaching even over the stores that were open, where the salespersons raised their heads and stared at Severus as he walked past their greying shop windows. He pulled his hood lower over his head and sped up his steps to take a turn to a narrow side street where he stepped into a small restaurant. It was located between an Apothecary and a pet shop, on a street where no other stores or restaurants were open.

"Welcome," a weary-looking waitress greeted him in a quiet voice as he chose a seat near the window and shrugged off his soaked cloak.

It was uncomfortably hot inside. Only a few quiet customers sat at the tables, speaking in low voices. The heat from the ovens in the kitchen, and the huge fireplace behind Severus, along with the water from the clothes of the customers, created a micro-climate bordering tropical dimensions. As Severus unbuttoned the topmost buttons of his robes, he couldn't help but remember how Lily had done much the same the day before, and suddenly the room felt even hotter than it had a minute ago. And now that Lily and the brief moment on the sofa between them had pushed herself back into his head, that was all he could think about. When he had ordered, Severus got lost staring at the empty street behind the fogged window, wondering what she was doing right that moment, what she thought of him... his heart swelled as he remembered how it had felt to hold her, unlike he had ever dared to hold her before; the scent of her hair, her warmth, her hot cheek against his chest. How it had felt when her fingers had caressed his skin. Severus was suddenly very glad that he had chosen a restaurant with long tablecloths.

For a moment he had thought... but had he just been blinded by his own lust?

"Watch out, the plate is hot." The weary waitress was back, speaking in her quiet lukewarm whispering, startling Severus. She thrust a plateful of steaming soup under his nose and glided away, faint and colourless like a spectre.

The constant rain continued to pound against the cobblestones and stone walls outside the restaurant, bringing in a cold draft every time the door was opened. Severus enjoyed the fresh air which pushed through the stuffy heat of the restaurant, but apparently the weary waitress didn't; perhaps too frail to stand the gushes of refreshing wind sneaking through the door, she went and added more firewood into the fire behind Severus, making him speed up his eating to get out of the sauna-like room.

Only a handful of passers-by hurried past the window of the restaurant while Severus ate, their collars turned up and hands in pockets. These days people no longer stopped to greet their friends or look at shop windows. As Severus watched, a couple of young boys walked over to the sports shop across the street, only to stop upon noticing that its windows were boarded up and a note hung on its door. The boys' mother appeared and shepherded the boys away, looking over her shoulder. The tense, worried look on her face was familiar; as Severus looked around himself in the restaurant, he noticed that same look on everyone's face. Even the waitress peered nervously at the door every time the bell above it jingled. There was something familiar about it all.

When another customer left and the waitress once again glanced nervously at the door, Severus suddenly realised that the tense atmosphere was identical to the one which had lingered over the Ministry's Atrium. _It's fear,_ he suddenly realised. _Everyone's afraid._

Looking around himself again, Severus saw it etched on everyone's faces, heard it in every hushed whisper. Something big was about to happen. Everyone could sense it, the weird undercurrent in the air, like a flock of birds who could sense an earthquake before it had begun. It made his skin crawl and he had the sudden urge to go home, to check if Lily was all right; to ask whether or not she was as aware of the weird tension as he was. But of course the impulse was ridiculous: Lily was in Cokeworth, hundreds of miles away from here. Whatever odd cloud was hanging over London, she was likely happily unaware of it. The thought calmed Severus down a bit, but now that he had noticed the weird atmosphere lingering over the city, permanent tension seemed to settle into his body.

"Have a nice day, sir," the waitress whispered after him when he had paid and was taking his leave. "Stay safe."

 _Stay safe?_ Was that something that waitresses had always said? Severus tried to remember, but couldn't. His head started hurting again.

The bell above the restaurant's door jingled as he stepped out into the wonderfully cool air, pulling the hood of his cloak over his head to shield from the rain. It was wonderfully cool outside. He had barely taken two steps towards the main street when he literally ran into someone.

"Watch where you're going!" A haughty, distantly familiar woman's voice snapped. The voice reminded Severus of Bellatrix Lestrange, and he took an automatic step back.

"Sorry," Severus muttered, peering through his hood to see a woman wearing a deep blue velvet cloak, who was on her way to the Apothecary at the corner. She too had pulled a hood over her head, and he only saw long, blonde hair, the lengths of which hung wet and limp past her shoulders; it clearly wasn't Bellatrix. The woman straightened herself and was just about to pass him, when Severus saw a glimpse of her straight-nosed profile and recognised her.

"Mrs. Malfoy," he said in surprise. The woman stopped and pushed her hood slightly aside to peer back at him through the falling rain. She had a harassed, tense look about her; wet, unkempt locks of hair were glued on both sides of her ashy face, and her suspicious eyes were surrounded by dark circles. She looked almost as tired as Lily had looked the morning before, a far cry from the honed, gracious perfection Severus had seen thus far. Seeing her look so haggard seemed to make the Monday even more ominous, as though everything had turned upside down overnight.

"Oh, Severus," she said and gave him a slightly embarrassed smile, which softened her tired features. "I didn't mean to sound so rude; I didn't realise it was you. Please accept my apologies."

"Of course," Severus said and gave her a slight bow. "I hope you are well, Mrs. Malfoy?"

"Oh, please don't call me that," Narcissa said and frowned, looking even more tired. "It makes me feel like Lucius's hundred-year-old grandmother. Please just call me Narcissa. And I'm fine - thank you."

Severus nodded. "And how is Lucius?"

"He's..." Narcissa started. She stammered for a moment, then took a deep breath. "Oh, I'm afraid he's not well at all. Surely you understand..."

"What's wrong with him?" Severus asked her, confused. Today it seemed like everyone expected him to have a sixth sense about what was going on.

Narcissa shook her head. Then she glanced around herself at the half-empty street, looking slightly paranoid. She pulled the hood of her cloak deeper over her face.

"Are you in a hurry?" She asked.

"Not at all," Severus said, eyeing the woman curiously.

"A silver lining to this day, then," Narcissa said tiredly. "I was about to owl you anyway. I need a word – in private."

And before Severus had the time to inquire to what he owed the pleasure, Narcissa had already turned and started walking towards the end of the street, leaving Severus no other options but to follow. She turned left at the corner, towards the narrower side streets leading to Knockturn Alley, and hurried her steps so that she remained a few steps ahead of him at all times. Severus followed, more confused by the minute. Narcissa seemed to be leading him towards somewhere specific. Weaving through the deserted streets, on both sides which stood the darkest shops Britain had to offer, she finally stopped in front of a ragged-looking old pub with windows so dirty not even the rain had managed to scrub them clean; it didn't look remotely like a place where a woman of her calibre would usually be caught dead in. A rusty sign hung over the door, swinging in the wind and creaking ominously, informed Severus that the place was called "the Voodoo Skeleton". The name was written in dark red ink which might have been blood. Before Severus could assess the place any further from the outside, Narcissa had pushed him inside. A tiny cat's skeleton hung above the door rattled as the door closed behind them.

The pub looked even less inviting from the inside. Not a single customer patroned the pub; even the barman looked slightly surprised to see customers waltzing in. All the windows were covered with black, tattered curtains, and everything in sight was grimy.

"Ah, welcome," the bearded barman had gotten over his shock, and gave them a brown-toothed smile as they approached the bar. Severus's mouth curled as he looked around himself, at the dirty tables and at the floors covered in something disgusting that he thought looked like the contents of a spit jar smeared all over the floorboards. The utter lack of customers suddenly made perfect sense. The walls were covered in shelves full of old bottles where things like shrivelled human fingers and grimy locks of hair floated in all manners of preservatives. Severus sincerely hoped the contents of the bottles weren't about to end up into his glass.

Narcissa gestured at Severus to go and choose them a table, and went to the bar. She hadn't lowered her hood, and so Severus let his on as well. Looking around himself, he chose the table which looked the least grimy, and sat down on the creaky bone-chair which clicked nastily under his weight, like dislodged joints in the hands of a chiropractor. Narcissa soon appeared with two wine glasses (neither of which luckily seemed to contain any preserved body parts) and sat down opposite him. The bones of her chair clicked equally nastily. She still didn't let her hood down, and her lips were turned down, her shadowy face pale and weary. She stared at the glass in front of herself with a strange look on her face. Perhaps the fingerprints on it put her off because she looked almost nauseous.

"Is Lucius in trouble?" Severus cut to the chase, assuming that was the only thing Narcissa might need him for.

Narcissa took a sip of her wine before answering, and Severus noticed that her hand was shaking. She then gave a short laugh.

"Lucius is always in trouble," Narcissa said and set the glass on the table, fixing her blue eyes on Severus. "The real trouble is that he doesn't realise it himself."

"What do you mean?"

"You men," Narcissa said bitterly, and eyed Severus as though she held him personally responsible for whatever was wrong with her husband. "You play war when you're children and you never really grow up, do you? No matter how many times you're told it's not worth it..."

"A delightful analysis, but I'm afraid I'm not certain what this has to do with Lucius," Severus said, frowning. "What is the matter, Narcissa? How can I help?"

Narcissa took a deep breath.

"I know Lucius is very fond of you," she said. "I trust you know he was one of the two who recommended you personally to the Dark Lord."

Severus nodded, remaining confused. "I am in his debt."

"That's why I wanted to talk to you," Narcissa said, her eyes shining bright in her pale face. "Surely you know of the mission the Dark Lord gave him on Friday. He failed. The Dark Lord made him personally responsible. He was -" she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath before continuing, " - he was tortured. I was just on my way to the Apothecary to get him something for the pain... he must be up in a few hours, you see..."

"The Dark Lord punished him?" Severus said with a feeling of mingled revulsion and shock.

"Of course he did," Narcissa said and shook her head. "He always does! You don't know – you've never seen -"

But she seemed unable to continue, and instead grabbed her wine glass and drank half of it in one sip while Severus digested the news.

"But Lucius is so highly ranked," Severus said slowly. "And what I understand has never let the Dark Lord down before. It seems unbelievable that he would be punished in such a crude manner."

Narcissa laughed joylessly again.

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" She said bitterly. She then glanced paranoidly around herself in the empty pub and lowered her voice to a mere whisper. "But in time you will, I think, come to see that there isn't such a big difference in how the Dark Lord punishes his enemies and his allies. And the higher you climb, the more likely you are to eventually suffer his displeasure."

Severus stared at her quietly. Narcissa perhaps misinterpreted his silence, because she quickly straightened herself.

"Please forgive me, Severus," she said softly, in a completely different tone than before. "It must be this wine. I didn't mean to insinuate that I find the Dark Lord's methods in any way unfair. I sincerely hope you have not misunderstood me."

Severus quickly shook his head, threw a glance around the empty pub, and leaned closer to the woman. He laid his hand on top of her hand resting on the table. She was trembling slightly.

"Don't be afraid, Narcissa," he reassured her quietly. "I won't repeat a word of this conversation to anyone. I understand your anguish over the matter. However... forgive me, but I'm just a little confused as to why you are confiding in me with this." Then he hurried to add: "Not to say I'm not exceedingly glad that you have chosen to trust me. Let me assure you I am at your service should you require any assistance. I just can't help but wonder... why me?"

Narcissa smiled lamely at him, and seemed to relax slightly. He removed his hand.

"I've always liked you, Severus," Narcissa said. "You don't speak much, but everything you say is exactly the right thing to say."

Not really recognising himself from her flattering description, Severus nevertheless nodded humbly.

"There is a reason why I wanted to talk to you specifically," Narcissa continued, sounding a little nervous. "You understand, Lucius cannot afford any more mistakes. I can't bear to think what might happen should he do anything to awaken the Dark Lord's displeasure for the second time... and so..." she paused again and took another deep breath, looking a little embarrassed as she peered into his eyes from under her hood. "I'm afraid I cannot say this without risking offending you, Severus. Please accept my apology in advance."

"I promise I will not be offended, whatever it is," Severus said, slightly impatiently.

"Very well. Then I shall be straight with you, in the hopes that you will not think any less of me for it," Narcissa said (Severus nodded, eager to have her get to the point). "The reason why I wanted to speak with you is that because Lucius recommended you to the Dark Lord's service, your success or failure will also affect him. I have gathered from various conversations around the house that you are struggling with whatever your task is – but you simply _must_ succeed. For his sake, and also for your own. You might not know this – and I'm not allowed to tell you, yet I must, in the hopes that it will make you concentrate all your talents into your task – but you will lose your life should you fail. You will not be spared simply because of your inexperience or youth."

"I know this," Severus said uncomfortably. "The Dark Lord himself has told me that death shall be my fate should I not succeed."

Narcissa's face fell.

"I see," she said quietly. "So you know. Then I assume you are already doing all you can, and I cannot ask you for any more. But please... if there's anything, _anything_ you can still do..." she drew another shaky breath. "I believe that Lucius will be punished, possibly even killed, should you fail, and I couldn't bear it." Narcissa looked at Severus with a pleading look in her eyes. "I'm sorry if that makes me sound callous. Of course I don't want for you to die either. But it's just... I can't lose him. I just can't."

"He's your husband. It's only natural you worry about him more. I understand completely."

"You don't," Narcissa said and sighed. She let her eyes wander miserably over the bleak décor of the pub behind Severus. She sighed again, a harassed look in her eyes. "You see, I... well, Lucius and I...we're expecting a baby."

Severus was unsure how to react to this piece of news. Narcissa had tightened her hold on her wine glass and stared at Severus with large, haunted eyes. Whether she expected congratulations or a pitying pat on her hand, Severus wasn't sure. And so he bluntly said the first thing that popped into his mind: "I don't think you should be drinking then, Narcissa."

"I know," Narcissa said and looked even more miserable than before. She wiped the wet hair off her face and stared at the bottom of the glass, where only a few golden drops remained. Then she sipped the rest and grimaced, pushing the empty glass away from herself. "This was the last glass I'll drink. It tastes foul anyway – like everything else, really. I can barely keep anything down."

They were quiet for a long time after that. Narcissa stared at the glass in front of her with a slightly guilty look on her face, while Severus wiped the greasy rim of his own drink and then sipped it in silence, thinking that so far Rookwood had been the only person who seemed to be enjoying this Monday. Finally Narcissa spoke again.

"Lucius doesn't know yet," she sighed. "About the baby, I mean. Only Bellatrix, and now you, know. I only found out a few days ago myself, and there hasn't really been an opportunity to... well. But the thing is, I have no other living relatives besides my sister. At least none that I haven't... become estranged from. And so, if something happens to Lucius, I'll probably have to move to the Lestrange mansion." A look of poorly-masked revulsion crossed over her face. "I'll need to raise this child there, with..." but she paused and didn't continue; probably the idea of widowhood and having to raise a child in the same household where both Bellatrix Lestrange and the Dark Lord resided was too bleak to say out loud.

Narcissa took a deep breath and continued: "So you understand, I simply can't lose Lucius. We haven't yet been married for even a year – but I've already grown tired of this constant fear that lingers over our home." She lowered her voice again and whispered: "This feeling like any of the Dark Lord's whims might suddenly tear our life apart. I cannot even stand being at home when he comes to visit – I know it sounds terribly weak, but I simply cannot; not if I can avoid it. And then I feel guilty for leaving Lucius behind to face him on his own."

"You shouldn't feel guilty about it," Severus said quietly. "You are not a Death Eater, Narcissa. You did not choose your husband's path in life."

Narcissa shook her head like she wasn't even listening. Her eyes were gleaming under her hood.

"If I could, I would simply persuade Lucius to leave this wretched country with me," she whispered in a moment of passionate honesty that surprised Severus; he really didn't know what he had done to convince her to trust him like this. If she had told things like this to some other Death Eater, the consequences might have been fateful, and he was certain she knew this. "But he wouldn't listen to me. Why, why wouldn't he listen to me? I wish he weren't a Death Eater, Severus, I really do." Narcissa closed her eyes and looked anguished.

"Do you really?" Severus asked doubtfully. "I understand your current position worries you, but surely you know that had he remained neutral when the Dark Lord started gathering allies he would have risked losing his position in the Wizarding community. But if all ends well, he's soon going to be one of the most powerful men in the country. He could do anything, achieve anything. Your child's future would be guaranteed. Certainly there are risks about what he does, but there are also rewards."

Narcissa cast a look at him which implied she had never heard of a stupider thing in her life.

"What do I care about how powerful he might become if everything goes well?" Narcissa snapped, sounding more like her sister again. "I don't care at all!" Her mouth turned slightly downwards. The blue of her eyes suddenly looked cooler, greyer than usual as she assessed Severus. "Or perhaps you mean to imply that I married my husband simply because of his success and gold?"

Severus was slightly taken aback.

"I didn't mean to imply anything," he said uncertainly. "I just thought that women wanted..."

Narcissa stared at him in a fiery manner that despite the iciness of her blue eyes, reminded Severus vividly of Lily. He turned his gaze away.

"I'm sorry, Narcissa," he said softly. "I believe I have offended you; as you can probably see, not all words I choose are the right ones. I confess to not understanding women very well. I simply assumed that your husband's prospects might have been part of the reason why you initially found him a good match. But I assume from your reaction that I was wrong."

"You assume correctly," Narcissa said coldly. "My only concern is whether or not he makes for a successful husband and a successful father – every other type of success is secondary. And I dare guess he will have a hard time being neither if he is dead."

"You're right, Narcissa," Severus said quickly. "I spoke carelessly. I'm sorry."

A tense silence ensued, during which Severus sipped his drink and avoided Narcissa's eyes, which bore into him. He feared his careless words might have cost him her respect altogether. But then Narcissa seemed to relax, and sighed.

"No, I'm sorry, Severus," she said, softer now. "I'm overreacting. I know many people assume what you have assumed. My own sister might have married for such reasons, and even she probably assumes my motives to have been similar to hers. Yes, of course it's natural for you to think so too. But the reality is that Lucius's class or even his name had nothing to do with my feelings for him. Please don't take my poor reaction personally, Severus - it's just this stress and lack of sleep. Not only about Lucius's condition and about the baby, but also because my sister is currently staying with us, and she can be a little... demanding. She's been in a foul mood since the failed attack – she was punished, too, though not as severely - and she's been taking it out on our prisoner. I haven't had a quiet moment in days. You wouldn't believe the noise..."

Severus had nearly forgotten about the prisoner of the Malfoy manor; the mysterious man who had blown the whistle about the Order of the Phoenix. The 'source of information' whom the Dark Lord had mentioned, and who had somehow, impossibly, seen Lily dispose of Mulciber's body. Severus leaned towards Narcissa, his heartbeat quickening.

"I heard from Lucius that the prisoner was on the same year as I. Do you happen to know his name?" he asked hopefully, though not harbouring much confidence that Narcissa would know the man's identity if Lucius hadn't known it. But to his surprise, she nodded tiredly.

"Yes, he asked for me when he was first brought in," Narcissa said, the side of her mouth crinkling downwards. "Of course I was mad to go, but nobody can listen to that wailing for long..." the side of her mouth curled even further. "I suppose he thought he could plead with me, to ask me to set him free. Of course I couldn't -" she looked as though she was as displeased about this fact as the prisoner himself " - but he told me half his life story trying to convince me. His name is Pettigrew. Peter Pettigrew. Not particularly distinctive-looking; a small, mousey type of boy... man," she quickly corrected, her eyes flickering towards Severus; she had probably just remembered he was the same age as Pettigrew.

Severus leaned back in his chair and stared at Narcissa. He was filled with shock mingling with revulsion towards the watery-eyed boy who had always laughed so gleefully, so eagerly, when his stronger friends had humiliated and bullied others. Severus had to admit he had nearly forgotten Pettigrew's very existence. He hadn't wasted a thought on the boy since graduation. Pettigrew had always been there but so easy to forget, in the sidelines, with his soapy little laughter and the nauseatingly adoring glances he threw Potter and Black's way. He had rarely wielded a wand himself; probably because he didn't know which way to hold it, and because not getting directly involved in a conflict made it less likely he would become the target of a revenge attack - or so Severus had always assumed. _A dirty, talentless coward, nothing but a shadow to his disgusting friends,_ he thought resentfully.

"Did you know him?" Narcissa asked.

"Not really," Severus lied. "Only by name."

To Severus it had always been a mystery why Potter and Black had accepted such a talentless little mongrel as Pettigrew into their inner circle, when they had spent most of their school career bullying his exact likes. But of course, he had been from the same House, and that made all the difference as far as Potter and Black were concerned. Or perhaps they had simply enjoyed the way Pettigrew had constantly crawled at their feet and showered them with attention. Potter especially, who had seemed so taken by himself that without a doubt he would call anyone who worshipped him as fervently as he worshipped himself a friend. And now that little vermin had repaid his friends by stabbing them all in the back for a chance at a little gold. Severus smiled joylessly at Narcissa, who looked lost in her thoughts. Severus had always known Pettigrew was a good-for-nothing little rat.

But his smile soon froze when he remembered that the news might be a shock to Lily. After all, her old housemate, possible friend, had willingly gone to the Dark Lord after mistaking her for a killer, and had sealed her fate by doing so. And Severus would have to be the one to tell her all this.

"It goes without saying that I will try and do everything I can to succeed at the task the Dark Lord has given me," Severus said to Narcissa. "For my own sake, of course, but also for the sake of your family. I haven't forgotten what your husband has done for me, both at school and after. But speaking of work, I'm afraid I must return there. I thank you for the drink and the conversation."

"Oh, of course," Narcissa said, blinking. She got up. "Today must be a very hectic day at the Ministry. Because of the Minister's trial and all... I'm sorry for taking so much of your time, Severus. It was very kind of you to accompany me."

"The pleasure was all mine," Severus said, and meant it. Not only did he hold Narcissa in high regard, but she had also proven to be a surprisingly good source of information. He followed her example and got up, then guided them towards the door. The skeleton cat rattled again as he held open the door, it's eyes flashing red as they walked under it. "I wish you all the best," Severus said as they were back in the cold rain and the door had closed behind them. "And I hope Lucius will feel better soon."

"Thank you. When he's better, you must come for supper with us," Narcissa said politely. "And you're very welcome to visit any time. And if you need any help with your task... _anything_ at all... don't hesitate to ask." She cast a pleading look at Severus, looking frail and tired under her large velvet hood.

"All right," Severus said. He hesitated for a moment. Narcissa nodded her goodbye and was just about to turn away when he stopped her. "Wait."

Narcissa paused, raising her eyesbrows. Severus rummaged around his pockets for a piece of parchment and a quill. Narcissa stared as he wrote something on the parchment and thrust it into her hands.

"The name of a potion that you can get from over-the-counter from the Apothecary," he said. "Harmless for the fetus, but it should help with your nausea."

Narcissa's blue eyes flickered on the paper. She put it into the pocket of her cloak and gave Severus an inspecting glance. For a moment he wondered whether or not he had acted too presumptuously.

"Thank you," Narcissa said simply.

Severus nodded a little awkwardly. Narcissa gave him a faint smile, then turned to disappear behind the corner, her heels clattering against the wet cobblestones long after she had disappeared from view.

The rain continued, darkening the skies into a deep bruise colour. The street Severus stood on, like most of Knockturn Alley, was so narrow that barely any light squeezed all the way down. Disregarding the icy drizzle, Severus stood in place for a moment and thought of everything Narcissa Malfoy had told him, and everything which was hanging on his success. The lives of so many people. He had a weird nagging feeling like he had forgotten something important.

Severus thought back on everything that had happened in the past days; of the chaos of the Potter manor; of Lucius, the one in charge of the attack, now healing from the torture inflicted upon him as punishment; of the traitorous Pettigrew, now a prisoner of the Malfoy manor; dead Black; the Patronus, pushing through his home wards; Lily, her wet, warm face against the crook of his neck, the shadow of her touch on his skin... no, it was something else. Almost on his mind but not quite.

Severus shook his head in irritation, pushed wet hair off his eyes, then Disapparated.

""

Annoyed, Severus slammed the book shut. He longed for the days of his youth when he couldn't have even in his wildest dreams imagined that a well-stocked library such as the one in the Ministry could possibly let him down so thoroughly as it had time and time again in recent months. His mind too full of questions, he had given up on the Arch for the day and after returning from lunch and his drink with Narcissa, had made his way directly to the library to read up on Patronuses.

But while there was plenty of interesting information about Patronuses in general, his specific question – whether or not they had a functioning set of eyeballs and a brain capable of processing and sending information to their conjurers – was apparently one that had never crossed the minds of any authors with any first-hand information about Patronuses. The closest time he found anything relating to the subject was when one author informed him that: _'a skilled wizard might use his Patronus as a messenger and converse with another soul from great distances away"_ ; a piece of anticlimactic information which frankly didn't help Severus at all.

Waving his wand, Severus invited more books about the subject to fly out of their shelves and towards him, but before he had had the time to open another one, a young man suddenly appeared into the library. He was wearing long, official-looking robes, and a bronze pin attached to his lapel informed Severus that he had the clearance to go to the basement-floor courtrooms. Severus stared at him; he was sweating profusely as he ran through the oak doors, then rammed against the librarian's desk, panting and trying to catch his breath. He looked like he had been running at least twenty floors. The librarian stared at him, her eyes huge.

"Is it over, Mathias?" The librarian asked, her voice shaking a little. The man nodded, his face red and flustered. The librarian inhaled sharply. "What's the verdict?"

"Guilty," the man got out, and the librarian groaned. "They're leaving through the Atrium. Lifts are full, got to run – everyone's coming to see it. She looks like she's going to vomit!"

And the librarian dropped the books she had been arranging onto a cart, and rushed out, the man following on her footsteps. For a second Severus hesitated. They had to be talking about the Minister, and the trial which had been going on downstairs all throughout the day. Then he too got up, and rushed into the nearest stairway taking him to the Atrium. Might as well join the gossiping crowd and find out what was going on; if nothing else, it would save him from Rookwood's jabbing the following day.

The man hadn't been joking when he had said everyone was on their way to the Atrium. When Severus hurried to the nearest stairway, office doors opened around him and people poured out, their lips tight and faces white, and everyone was heading in the same direction as though somebody had sent a memo to the whole Ministry telling them to get to the Atrium right that instant. When he finally arrived, the Atrium was already crowded, and Severus noticed that now even the security guards had joined the spectators, ogling just was fervently as the rest of them. Everyone were staring at the reserved lifts at the end of the Atrium expectantly, and Severus tried to sneak closer. After circling around a goblin and a trembling man old enough to make Severus wonder whether or not he was actually even working in the Ministry, he found himself stuck behind a large group of people and couldn't get any closer.

When the lift in the middle finally started ascending towards the Atrium, and its door opened with a clang, a respectful silence fell over the muttering crowd. Severus craned his neck to see over the people in front of him. From the front entrance all the way towards the lifts, the crowd split in two to allow for a cluster of people to pass through. It took Severus a moment to realise that 'people' was the wrong word; there was only one person. The rest were Dementors. Though Severus had never seen them in flesh, he immediately recognised the hooded, black creatures that seemed to glide over the marble floors without touching them, like dark smoke. He shivered, and took an automatic step back; he was very familiar to the theoretic effects of a Dementor's presence, and didn't much fancy getting on their radar.

Between the Dementors, there was a woman. And though Severus had never seen her in the flesh either, he of course recognised her. Millicent Bagnold, the Minister of Magic, her face almost frighteningly white, walked among the Dementors. Silent tears were streaming from her eyes. The man in the library had been right, the Minister looked ready to vomit. Even from far away, Severus could see the cold sheen on her forehead, and her grey hair, which in the photos had always looked neat and sleek, hung damply on both sides of her head, like she had been tearing at it. Around the odd procession circled a dozen or so bluish, immaterial animals; Patronuses, Severus noticed.

"This is an outrage!" A choked woman's voice yelled in the crowd; Severus couldn't see who it was. "Millie! I'm coming to visit you! This is an outrage! An outrage! She's done nothing wrong!" The voice sounded hysteric. The screamer, whoever it was, burst into tears, and the inconsolable sound pierced the otherwise silent Atrium.

The former Minister of Magic lifted her head and peered somewhere in the vicinity where the yell had come from. She shook her head briefly, as though resigning to her face. A Dementor glided closer to her, and her shoulders slumped.

"Dementors give me the creeps," a woman whispered somewhere behind Severus.

"I know, darling. I don't understand why they couldn't wait until she was in Azkaban to sic the them on her," a man's voice answered. He sounded slightly begrudging. "I mean, it's not very dignified to see her like this, is it? Guilty or not guilty."

"But, Tommy, what is she guilty _of_?" The woman asked. "You don't actually believe what they say? It sounds like hogwash to me."

Tommy didn't answer. The gloomy procession slowly made its way towards the fireplaces. The former Minister paused in front of one of the fireplaces, then stepped in. Her face was teary and sallow in the glow of the flames. Her friend, the one who had screamed, was still crying uncontrollably somewhere. The Dementors joined the former Minister inside the enormous fireplace, and in a flash of emerald flames, they were gone. The crowd started muttering the moment they had left. Severus started insistently pushing through the crowd, sensing that soon the thousand-headed crowd would start moving. But before he had made it to the lifts, a magically magnified voice started speaking, stopping him in his tracks.

"Dear colleagues, visitors to the Ministry," the voice thundered over the muttering crowd, which again went silent. "It is my unfortunate responsibility to inform you that Millicent Bagnold has been removed from her position as Minister of Magic, starting immediately. She is currently being escorted to Azkaban where she will begin serving her eight year sentence on grounds of unlawfully covering up acts of terrorism and other serious security threats to the Wizarding nation. The electoral body will elect a new Minister. The election will start tonight at six o'clock, and will continue until the electorial body reaches unanimity. Thank you."

The Atrium erupted into loud chattering the moment the voice went silent.

"Eight years? _Eight years?_ It's not like she personally murdered anyone, for pig's sake!"

"Might as well given her a death sentence. She won't be getting out of there alive."

"I told you that Dumbledore couldn't do anything, didn't I? I don't understand why my mother still thinks he has any power over anything..."

The general consensus, as Severus gathered, was that everyone knew that Bagnold hadn't done anything to warrant a trip to Azkaban, but everyone also accepted that they couldn't do anything about her sentence.

Although Severus didn't have anyone to share his thoughts with, he remained in the Atrium together with the crowd for a long time; partly because the masses of people were so tightly knit that he couldn't move past them, and partly to listen. The members of the jury and the judges walked out of the courtrooms one by one and joined the gossiping crowd. Many of them had grim looks on their faces. Severus learned from a woman who had been present at the trial that Dumbledore had given a speech on behalf of the Minister, but his word had finally been discredited because so many of the Bagnold's subordinates had preached against her. They had provided the court with documents bearing Bagnold's signature, which incriminated the former Minister. Her secretary had given a teary testimony that Bagnold had threatened to use Crucio on her infant son should she reveal the documents. The jury had been convinced within the first hour of the trial; everything that had followed since had been pure formality.

Slowly the groups of people started disappearing from the Atrium; most of them seemed to make their way towards the cafeteria, and Severus guessed that not many Ministry employees intended to resume their work that day, not when they had such a good excuse to slack off. Right as Severus turned to weave past the groups of people to take his leave, he saw the last members present at the hearing step into the Atrium and paused in front of the row of fireplaces. A short, baggy-eyed old man and Albus Dumbledore.

Dumbledore was walking with his head hung low, talking with the short man, who was shaking his head with a stubborn look on his face. Severus paused and examined the taller of the men with contempt. Dumbledore looked tired. He was nodding politely at whatever the short man was saying, but he looked uncharacteristically joyless; even his pointed hat was hanging melancholically to the side. The short man stopped and the two men shook hands. Dumbledore said something which made the short man shake his head forcefully, and Dumbledore nodded sadly. Then he turned towards the rows of fireplaces. As he stepped into the emerald flames, he turned around. His bright grey eyes stared straight at Severus, who was standing in his direct field of vision. His expression was hard to decipher. He looked just as unreadable as usual, though lacking his usual deceptively serene smile. Severus's heart jumped into his throat as they stared at one another for a moment. Finally Dumbledore only gave him a curt nod in recognition, and then he was gone. Severus remained where he stood, his heart pounding. Dumbledore knew he was a Death Eater. Why hadn't he outed him right then and there? Or addressed him - tried to coerce a confession out of him? Severus stared at the emerald flames of the now empty fireplace, and felt like he didn't understand anything.

As Severus had assumed, nobody was working that day. When he returned to the library, it was full of people, none of whom were there because a sudden intense need for knowledge had gripped them; the cafeteria was simply too small to accommodate the entire Ministry all at once, and the library was the next available large space with enough chairs. Severus could stand the loud gossiping for approximately thirty minutes, before he gave up. Waving his wand and sending all but one book flying back towards their designated places, he took the remaining book with him and left the Ministry - for home this time. As he stepped into one of the Atrium's fireplaces bittersweet anticipation prickled inside him at the thought of seeing Lily.

There was no traffic in the Floo network at that hour, and so it only took Severus a second to appear to the fireplace of his sitting room. He impatiently shook ash off his cloak. He had perhaps subconsciously expected Lily to remain behind locked doors upstairs, but when he raised his eyes off his cloak, he was startled to find her sitting in the armchair right next to the fireplace, staring at him. Of course, Severus thought, suddenly remembering – he had written a note which said _seven_ , and it was probably five now, if even that. He paused, and was certain he flushed very deeply.

"Hi," he said and escaped the fireplace all the way to the opposite side of the room. He took the cloak off of himself and used the opportunity to fold it to hide his face from her.

"Hi," Lily said back, somewhere behind him. Feeling stupid, Severus threw the folded cloak and book on the sofa and turned back around. He noticed she looked a little better than yesterday, her hair combed and sleek, her eyes less tired now. She was wearing one of his mother's old robes, and Severus thought she had had a valid point about having to go to her own parents to get some new clothes; the corseted dress was just slightly too small on her, squeezing her in bits and places where Severus's eyes trailed without permission, and he flushed deeper. Lily gave him a faint smile and set the book she'd been holding on the side table.

"You're early," said Lily.

"Yes, I'm sorry," Severus said automatically, feeling even stupider for apologising. He cleared his throat. It suddenly felt like it was full of gravel. "Today's been a little... weird. The Minister got sacked. And not only that; they put her on trial - she's in Azkaban now. The whole Ministry is a little awry at the moment."

"I know," Lily said and sighed. "A special edition of the Daily Prophet arrived some fifteen minutes ago. There will be another one when the election is over, though that might take until tomorrow, or even longer," She nodded on the table where a newspaper laid underneath the book she had put down. "We get two subscriptions now. I guess I should quit mine."

"How was your day?" Severus asked in worry. "Everything all right?"

Lily shrugged.

"Well, I was mostly just reading," she said avoidingly. "Watched a bit of telly. That sort of thing. I didn't have much to do."

"I'm sorry," Severus said stupidly. She looked too delicious in the too-tight dress, making his thoughts keep wandering away from the conversation.

"It's not your fault," Lily said. "Anyway. How was yours? It was bound to be more exciting than mine."

Severus's skin prickled when he remembered the bad news he would need to deliver to Lily. He took a seat on the sofa by the window, facing Lily. He sighed.

"Well, about that," he started, feeling uncomfortable. "I have some news. I ran into a friend today. In passing, she revealed the identity of the man responsible for the attack to Potter's... house. The one who saw you on the alley that night."

Lily immediately perked up. She stared at him.

"Really? Who was it?"

Severus eyed her for a moment. Within seconds, the tense atmosphere of London had found its way to his house, and settled between them like a wall. He could only hope that the news wouldn't be a big shock to her; he didn't know if he could take it if she escaped back behind closed doors, leaving him again to wait.

"Pettigrew," he said softly, his eyes still in Lily's. Her eyes widened in shock.

"Pettigrew?" She asked, sounding as though the idea had never even crossed her mind. " _Peter_ Pettigrew?"

Severus nodded. Lily stared at him like she thought he was cracking a poor joke.

"Who told you that?" She asked, and Severus immediately heard from her voice that she didn't believe him.

"A friend," Severus said and shrugged. "Somebody who knows."

"A Death Eater?" Lily asked, sounding scornful. "Someone who could be feeding you lies on You-Know-Who's order?"

"No," Severus said. "Someone whom I trust, and who revealed this information without knowing what it signified. She has no reason to lie to me."

Lily's cheeks turned even redder.

"But _Peter_ ," she snapped. "He likes me! Why would he ever go and tell You-Know-Who even if he saw me? What would he gain from that?"

"The bounty," Severus said softly. "10 000 Galleons. It's a lot of gold, Lily."

Lily seemed at a loss for words. They stared at one another for a long time, and Severus didn't dare break the silence. But after an excruciatingly long pause he saw the look in her eyes change from disbelief to anger.

"10 000 Galleons. Enough to make people betray their friends, you mean," Lily said her cheeks turning an angry scarlet shade. She looked flustered. Then she got up. Severus tensed up – he couldn't help it, his first thought at all times was that she would barge out of the house, and he was again preparing himself to either plead or fight with her, or both.

"I'm making tea," Lily said instead. "You want any?" Her tone was aggressive.

"All right," Severus said, a little reserved.

Lily went to the kitchen and started to angrily pull out kettles, mugs and plates from the depths of the cupboards, banging the cupboard doors on her way. Severus followed her and leaned against the door frame, watching as she raged around the kitchen. She did everything manually, without magic. She wasn't crying, for which Severus was glad, but her face was set in a closed-off frown, and her lips were a tight line. After Lily had thrown a loaf of bread on the table so violently that it nearly jumped off and fell on the floor, she suddenly paused.

Lily turned towards Severus, and her face fell. Within seconds, it seemed like all anger oozed out of her. Severus could tell the news had finally fully sunk in; he tensed up and prepared for crying.

"I should have realised," Lily instead said dully. "He was there that night. On Diagon Alley, I mean. They all were - James, Sirius, Remus and him. James sent them all looking for me when I didn't come home in time. I knew it all along. Of course it had to be one of them. Who else would recognise me?" Lily stared at him with huge, haunted eyes. "He did do it. _Peter._ He went and told the Aurors, and they told You-Know-Who, and then..." she didn't continue.

"I always knew Pettigrew was an idiot," Severus tried to comfort her. "What he did doesn't surprise me in the least."

"I always thought it was just some of the men who came and went in the mansion all throughout the summer..." Lily said slowly. "One of the Aurors... or someone else whom I hardly even knew. But _Peter..."_

"I'm sorry," Severus said lamely. "I know you were friends with him. It must be a shock."

Lily seemed to recoil slightly at his words. She turned back towards the kitchen counter.

"Do you take sugar?" She muttered quickly, and without waiting, dropped a heapful of sugar into both mugs on the table. She blinked. "Oh, no, of course you don't. I'm sorry."

"It's all right," Severus said gently. "Sugar is fine."

Lily sat down by the table, and Severus mimicked her, finding himself yet again clutching at a mug of tea he didn't even know whether or not he wanted to drink.

"I understand why he did it," Lily suddenly said, to his surprise. Severus raised his eyebrows.

"Are you sympathising with somebody who sold you out? Your _friend_?"

Lily bit her lip.

"But I just realised. We weren't really friends, were we?" she said, sounding miserable. "I mean... I don't even remember when I saw him last. His mum was sick or something – I don't remember, I never asked... and James barely ever invited him over." The blush on her cheeks deepened.

"Lily -"

"Of course he went after the bounty," she said quietly. "I see it now. By the time the Daily Prophet article came out, the whole lot of them knew I had broken up with James. Peter probably thought he'd never see me again. So why should he care what happens to me? It's not like we were ever that close. If he really saw me on that alley disposing of the corpse, of course he went to the Aurors when he realised how much gold he could get. He probably even thought he was doing the right thing; maybe he thought I had gone crazy and actually killed them."

"He didn't know what he was getting involved with," Severus said. "I think he deeply regrets his decision right this moment." _In the dungeon of the Malfoy manor,_ he thought, but didn't say in case it would upset Lily.

"And Sirius died..." Lily said slowly. "I can't imagine he's happy about that..." she was quiet for a while. She stared at the steaming mug in his hand with a slightly sad look on her face. Severus waited for her to continue, but she was silent for a long time, and just kept staring at the string of twirling steam, a haunted look in her eyes. Finally she drew a deep breath and spoke again.

"It's weird, but Peter was just one of those people that you never really think about. Even when he was there, it's like he was invisible. I think even James forgot him most of the time." She took a sip of her drink. "You know, I think he actually cared more about them than they cared about him. I now feel a little guilty for not trying to connect with him."

Severus sighed tiredly.

"He was greedy," he said. "Even if you had been like peas and carrots, he probably still couldn't have resisted the temptation. He was just like that. I didn't need to know him to know this – it was written all over his face. He was just... weak."

"We talk about him like he's dead," Lily said suddenly. She shivered. "It's giving me the creeps. He's not, is he?"

Severus hesitated, and thought of Bellatrix Lestrange torturing Pettigrew. How long would he last before cracking like an egg, yolk all over the cracked shell? Except instead of the shell, his head, and instead of yolk, his brain.

"I don't think so," he said vaguely. "Probably he's still alive."

"Has he joined you? The Death Eaters?"

"The Dark Lord is using him as some sort of an informant," Severus said. "That's the extent of my knowledge about it, really."

Lily went quiet, absorbing the information. Severus could guess she was trying to imagine Pettigrew in Death Eater robes, a mask on his face. He himself had a hard time imagining it. She was absent-mindedly biting her lip, and Severus's eyes lingered on it.

"I wish you had had even one day without more bad news," Severus said gently. "I hate to be the one to constantly bring them to you."

"I'd rather face the bad news than be lied to," Lily said quietly. "Even by myself. I'm done not facing things."

They sipped their burning hot teas in silence. Severus stared at her hand on the table, and wished he could reach over it and take it into his. Press it against his lips. The hand was so close. But just then Lily slipped the hand into her lap under the table. He averted his eyes and sipped at the too-sweet tea. It was quiet but for the never-ending rain.

"But I still don't understand how he saw me," Lily said softly. "On that alley, I mean. I could have sworn nobody was there."

Lily didn't seem particularly sociable after that, and Severus was so relieved over the fact that she was neither sitting up in her room behind closed doors nor crying, that he left her be. She sat in the kitchen for a long time, staring at the scratched surface of the table, and didn't say a word. Severus eventually left her to take a shot at the book he had brought with him; he had come to the conclusion that the only way he could be certain whether or not Dumbledore knew Lily was staying at his home was to conjure a Patronus of his own and see how it worked in practice.

"Why do you even care?" Lily sighed as she appeared into the sitting room a long time later and he had explained to her what he was doing. It seemed like her interest in this particular subject had vanished upon hearing about Peter's betrayal. "Either way, Dumbledore didn't drag me away against my will. And I really don't think he will go and tell You-Know-Who."

She was right of course, and Severus couldn't really explain to her why the matter bothered him so greatly. As much as he distrusted Dumbledore, he also recognised something familiar in him; Dumbledore was, much like Severus himself, a person who liked to keep all cards in his own hands. And if he knew about Lily's current place of residence, he was the keeper of a secret which Severus would have preferred remain strictly between him and Lily only. Dumbledore was a third party in a play for two only. And so he muttered some vague excuse to Lily and leaned back over the book.

"You look tired," was all Lily said in response, her soft tone making him shiver. "Maybe you should just kick back. I can read the book tomorrow. It's not like I have anything else to do, right?"

And because her nearness turned him into shivering pudding, Severus let her come and snatch the book out of his hands and set it on the table, on top of the novel she had been reading earlier; on top of the Daily Prophet which screamed the shocking headline of the former Minister's fate. He didn't know what to do after that.

The early evening darkened gradually behind the shut curtains. The rain turned to a silent drizzle and one by one, Severus heard his neighbours – the remaining few people still living on Spinner's End, which for the most part had been deserted for years, ever since the factory had closed – return home from work or the pub. Lily jumped a little every time a car door banged shut. The scruffy, wild owl which had brought Lily a letter last weekend had at some point returned again, Severus noticed; it opened its yellow eyes on top of one of the bookshelves and ruffled its feathers, alerting his attention. He let it out to hunt.

"We should probably name him," Lily sighed when he shut the window. "He keeps on coming back. Assuming it's a he – I'm not an expert.'"

Severus couldn't concentrate on anything – the nagging feeling like he had forgotten something was still eating him up inside. When the house slowly fell into dusty evening darkness the house took on a claustrophobic atmosphere. He shivered and set a fire into all of the fireplaces of the house, trying to push the uncomfortable feeling away. Lily sat tensely in the armchair by the crackling fireplace, her arms crossed, her face expressionless.

"Can you open the window for a bit?" Was all Lily said in hours. "Please? I feel like I can't breathe here."

Severus knew what she meant. Not even the open sitting room window removed the sense of bad foreboding which had followed him from London, and which now hung over the house. Severus found himself pacing the length of downstairs, from the fireplace all the way to the closed door at the end of the hallway, where he never went. Lily's eyes followed him as he moved. The room grew darker and darker as the sun slowly set behind the houses, and Lily reached to turn the lamp on. At one point Severus realised they were both expecting something to happen - waiting, though neither said a word, and neither knew what it actually was that they were waiting for. The clock under the stairs kept on ticking, and Lily remained still as a statue. She wasn't even reading, just sitting. Severus wanted to go to her, to seek warmth and comfort from her. He pushed his hands into his pockets.

And then, finally, the something they had been waiting for happened.

There was a hasty knocking sound coming from somewhere. Lily jumped, and Severus paused his nervous pacing. Something – an owl – was behind the kitchen window. Lily followed him as he rushed into the kitchen, pulled the curtain away from the window, and revealed two wet-feathered owls sitting on the windowsill, both holding an identical roll of parchment in their claws. He let them in. Lily snatched one of the parchments and rolled it open with shaking fingers while Severus paid the owls, then banged the window shut and turned towards her.

"Well?" He asked nervously.

"Bartemius Crouch," Lily muttered, her eyes scanning the page in front of her. "The new Minister of Magic is Bartemius Crouch. Effective immediately."

She raised her eyes and gave him an expressionless stare. Severus met it unwaveringly. He knew they both felt the same feeling; like something had shifted, intangibly but truly, like everything had changed even though nothing had.

The picture of Bartemius Crouch, with his impeccable straight line of moustache and deep-set eyes, stared up at them from the front page. There was no smile on his face. He looked strong, inexorable, victorious.

"But Crouch is against Dark Wizards," Lily said quietly, in a surprised tone. "He's always been. That's what he's _known_ for."

Before neither Lily nor Severus had the time to say anything else or turn back towards the article, a sharp pain burned Severus's arm under his left sleeve, more urgently than ever. He gasped in pain and surprise.

"What is it? Severus?"

Instinctively, Severus lifted his arm and pushed his sleeve aside. He stared at the black serpent etched onto his skin, which opened its fanged mouth in a silent hiss. Calling him. His skin was on fire, the veins around the tattoo bulging out of the skin. He winced and flexed his arm.

It wasn't until he heard Lily's sharp inhale that he realised what he had unwittingly revealed to her eyes. He lifted his gaze to meet Lily's eyes.

She was starting at him with a look of shock mingled with poorly-masked disgust, and he knew she had understood. He let the sleeve drop back over the arm, gripping it with the other hand. A rush of terrible shame and fear washed over him as he stared into Lily's eyes. He knew that look. He had seen it on her face before, when she had turned away from him that night at the portrait hole, severing their friendship, severing herself from him.

For a second they just stood there, still, silent. The Mark was still burning his arm like acid; like dark fire.

"I'm sorry," Severus breathed. "I've got to go. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

""

Thanks for the reviews for the last chapter, and please leave more. MORE. I am a greedy person. Also, a big squeeze to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!

Oh yeah, and I'm aware that in canon Draco wasn't born in a few years. However, by this point this is AU so forgive my decision to bring the happy occasion of his conception forward a bit.


	27. The Foul

Due to some annoying glitch on this site the reviews don't get saved on the fic's reviews page. I receive an e-mail notification and can read them there, but the response link doesn't work, nor do they show up among the fanfic's reviews. Anyone else has this problem? I've tried contacting the support but they haven't replied and the problem persists.

Either way, thank you to all of you who read and review! :) Enjoy!

""

 _Look! You want to see? See!_

 _Feast your eyes, glut your soul on my cursed ugliness!_

Gaston Leroux  
""

"My friends," the Dark Lord whispered. "My loyal friends. My Death Eaters. Come to celebrate."

Severus stood among the crowds of shivering Death Eaters. They weren't at the Lestrange Mansion as usual. The Dark Lord sat on the same winged armchair in front of the fireplace of the Malfoy Manor's drawing room where he had sat once before when Severus had seen him in this setting. Beside him sat Bellatrix Lestrange. The skin visible over her corseted chest was bruised and she glowered at the masked Death Eaters around herself with bloodshot eyes – but she carried the telltale marks of Crucio with her head held high, and it was clear from the colour of the bruising that she hadn't even attempted to heal herself. The drawing room was much smaller than the dining room of the Lestrange manor, and the crowd around Severus was pressing against him unpleasantly. Only the area surrounding the armchair in front of the fireplace remained empty.

"At last I have the Wizarding world in the palm of my hand," the Dark Lord said, savouring the moment. "Lord Voldemort, the true ruler of this country. Do I detect looks of surprise? Perhaps you are doubtful?" His scarlet gaze wandered around the crowd, and everywhere it paused, a Death Eater cowered slightly. "Perhaps you thought my plans had failed when Bartemius Crouch was chosen as the Minister? Bartemius Crouch - the notorious opposer of Dark Wizards? The man who has spoken against me in the papers for years? The same man who promised to lock me up in Azkaban should he ever become Minister?" The slit-like mouth stretched into a grotesque smile. "Perhaps you believed he would?"

"No, my Lord!" Bellatrix Lestrange breathed, her leather corset creaking as she eagerly leaned towards her master. "We never doubted! Not for a second!"

"I know, Bella, that _you_ didn't," the Dark Lord said coldly, without sparing a glance at the woman. "But perhaps others were not quite as loyal at heart? For those of you who wondered..." his grimace-like smile deepened. "Perhaps I should introduce to you our guest of honour."

He got up from the armchair – the people nearest to him took a step back, stumbling against one another - and nodded at the door. Severus turned to see a masked tall man with blonde long hair peeking out from under his mask - without a doubt Lucius - who waved his wand to open the doors. An excited gasp went through the crowd: in the doorway stood a man, impeccably dressed in black velvet robes, his toothbrush-moustache straight and neatly trimmed, his eyes sharp, his salt-and-pepper hair combed into an arrow-straight parting. It was the newly-elected Minister of Magic himself.

Bartemius Crouch's expression didn't as much as flicker when he found himself face to face with the Dark Lord. He took a step inside, then paused in the middle of the room. It took Severus only a few seconds to realise that the man was under the Imperio. His expression was only slightly interested as his eyes glided over the the masked crowd around himself, nor did he turn his eyes away when they finally settled on the Dark Lord's terrifying face. The Dark Lord quietly glided over to the Minister. The cold smile never left his skullish face.

"You have done well, Bartemius," the Dark Lord said. For a moment Severus thought he was addressing the Minister, but then he saw that another man stood behind the pair – a small, thin man, his face covered in a mask like the rest of them. He bowed deeply to the Dark Lord. Severus hadn't noticed him before; there was something frail and unnoticeable about him.

"Thank you, master," the man spoke in a high, excited voice. He sounded very young. "It is an honour. No, more than an honour – it's everything I've ever wanted -"

"Enough," the Dark Lord said and the young man went quiet. The Dark Lord turned back towards the Minister, a hungry look in his eyes.

"Minister," he said softly. He reached one long-fingered pale hand and stroked the Minister's cheek, his long, yellow nails burrowing into his flesh. "Bartemius Crouch. Tell me, how does it _feel_ to be trapped inside your own mind?" he leaned towards the blank-faced Minister, so close he could have kissed the Minister's cheek should the impulse have gripped him. His cold voice sounded almost gentle. "How does it feel to lose control of your body? Your soul? To lose yourself?" The Minister didn't answer; his expression remained as passive as ever. The Dark Lord withdrew his hand and turned away from the Minister. When he spoke he addressed the young man.

"And how does it feel for you, Bartemius? To be in control at last. Free of your father."

"Wonderful," the younger Bartemius Crouch said in a feverish, excited voice. "It feels like power. Like I'm unstoppable. Like I can do anything." And he giggled like an excited child. "Look, my Lord!"

Suddenly the Minister moved – he took a twitching step in front of himself, then made a weird, swaying movement. As the crowd stared, the Minister started twitching, swaying, swinging his hips – he was dancing limply, his arms swinging on his sides. The movements were unnatural, in conflict with his strict, humourless appearance. He looked like a large ragdoll. The blank expression on his face never disappeared when his body moved. The performance seemed to amuse the Dark Lord, because he laughed coldly, and soon the Death Eaters around him joined, Bellatrix's laugh ringing the loudest. Severus didn't know what he felt as he watched the Minister's grotesque dance. He didn't laugh.

"Enough," said the Dark Lord finally, and the crowd fell silent. He turned away from the Minister, who fell limp and continued his blank-faced existence. The Dark Lord glided back to the armchair and sat down.

"We have another guest with us tonight," he said. Bellatrix leaned closer to him with an eager look on her face. The Dark Lord smiled coldly. "Bellatrix - bring me my ratty little friend."

Bellatrix was on her feet before he had even finished the sentence. She hurried out of the room, her long, wild hair flying behind her. The room remained quiet while she was gone, a heavy, oppressing atmosphere hanging over all of them. Only the Dark Lord alone remained unaffected by the atmosphere. He sat on the armchair completely still and pale, as though carved out of marble by someone who had misguidedly attempted to bring together a man and a lizard in one grotesque, frightening statue. Severus's eyes lingered on the wizard. He realised that he no longer felt the Dark Lord's hypnotic appeal, the feeling of overwhelming power which had once attracted him greatly. Instead he now felt repulsed by the wizard. There was something unnatural about him, something which made Severus uncomfortable. He was shaken out of his thoughts when somebody moved near him, and he turned to see Lucius, who had appeared next to him silently.

Lucius nodded quietly at Severus to acknowledge he had recognised him. And then they already heard steps behind the doors – Bellatrix was returning. She was pulling something behind herself, something that jingled, and as Severus watched, he realised she was dragging a reluctant, tied-up, resigned-looking man into the drawing room. His ankles and his wrists were tied up with black shackles that made it hard for him to move. His robes were caked with dirt and what looked like dried up blood; there were bruises and infected-looking scratches on his face. It was Pettigrew. Severus stared at his former school mate in loathing.

When Pettigrew came face to face with the Dark Lord, he gasped and recoiled, then did something very odd. He closed his eyes and puffed his cheeks until he turned red in the face – it looked like he was trying to lay an enormous egg. Severus stared at him for a heartbeat, wondering if he had perhaps lost his mind after laying his eyes upon the Dark Lord's hideously malformed face. But then Severus, among many others, gasped in surprise and shock when the man started shrinking – his face shrunk into a wrinkled little ball, while his ears started growing and hair started sprouting out of his cheeks -

"I don't think so!" Bellatrix shrieked in rage, drawing out her wand. "You filthy little rodent – _I - don't - think - so!"_

And she whisked her wand in front of her, and Pettigrew literally jumped and let out a shriek of pain. The black shackles around his ankles and wrists were glowing red hot, burning his skin. His transformation stopped, and Pettigrew screamed as the smell of burning flesh filled the room, and when the glowing of his shackles finally stopped, he lifted his arms to stare at the scorched flesh of his wrists in horror. Then he raised his eyes and again met the Dark Lord's unwavering scarlet gaze – and realising there was nowhere to run, he seemed to completely lose control of himself. Letting out a miserable wail, Pettigrew hurled himself on his knees on the floor so that his shackles clanked against the Persian rug, and started sobbing.

"Mercy!" He wailed. Tears were streaming out of his eyes and falling on the rug. "Mercy, oh my God, have mercy!"

"Be quiet, you disgusting vermin!" Bellatrix shrieked in indignation and kicked the broken lump of a man, causing Pettigrew to cry even harder. He tried to crawl out of the way of her pointed leather shoe as she prepared for another kick, but his legs were tied so tightly together that he didn't quite manage to move quickly enough to avoid the second impact. "Don't speak unless you are addressed, you miserable half-blood rat!"

"Ah, but let him speak," the Dark Lord said, his voice full of dark pleasure. "My friend. My helpful little source of information. _Wormtail._ Tell me, what is on your greedy little mind?"

"Please don't kill me, my Lord!" Pettigrew begged. "Please spare me! I beg of you! My mother – my mother needs me! She's sick, dying!"

Some of the Death Eaters chuckled scornfully. Only a fool would beg mercy from the Dark Lord on account of sick family members. But the Dark Lord leaned towards the man with a dark smile on his face.

"A sick mother," he said deceptively softly. "How terrible it must be."

"She – she needs me to take care of her," Pettigrew gasped, perhaps feeling encouraged. "Please... she can't take care of herself..."

Bellatrix scoffed. Pettigrew raised his tear-streaked dirty face from the rug, casting a hopeful glance up at the Dark Lord. But the stare of the Dark Lord's scarlet eyes was too much for him, and so he quickly lowered his gaze.

"Perhaps you should have thought of your dear mother before greed overtook your ratty little mind," the Dark Lord said.

"But I didn't know!" Pettigrew howled pathetically, tears pouring out of his eyes and mingling with the snot under his nose. "I needed the gold! My mother is dying – please – we needed the gold for the treatments! We even had to sell our house – everything we had! Please – I have been helpful, haven't I? I have told you, showed you everything -"

"That information was taken by force, not willingly given," Bellatrix hissed behind him, her dark eyes glowing.

Pettigrew started panting in desperation. Severus couldn't help but feel the tiniest amount of pity for the man – pity, which vanished the second Pettigrew opened his mouth again.

"Only because I didn't have the time," Pettigrew breathed, grovelling at the Dark Lord's feet like a slippery little worm; Severus ground his teeth behind his mask. "There was no need to torture me! I would have given you any information you wanted... about Dumbledore... about the Mudblood... about anyone! I would have helped you in any way that I can -"

"Is that so?" the Dark Lord said, sounding amused. One long finger stroked his mouth as he examined the snivelling man at his feet. Pettigrew nodded eagerly against the rug. "You would have willingly offered me the lives of your friends and comrades in exchange for your own freedom? For some gold?"

Pettigrew hesitated for an instant.

"Yes," he whispered, grimacing against the rug. Severus's mouth curled in disgust as he stared at the man. _A weak, filthy little rat,_ he thought, agreeing full-heartedly with Bellatrix's assessment of the man.

"And so you did," the Dark Lord said cruelly. "Your bloodtraitor friend Sirius Black is dead because of the information you gave me - killed by Bellatrix... thank you... it was very thoughtful of you to offer his life to us..."

Pettigrew grimaced against the rug again, but said nothing. Tears were still streaming from his eyes, a drop of snot disgustingly wiggling at the tip of his nose. There was restless movement in the crowd behind Severus.

The Dark Lord was quiet for a long time. He kept stroking his lip with his finger, his red eyes moving in their slits as he stared at the back of Pettigrew's bowed head.

"You are in luck," the Dark Lord finally said. "I am feeling generous tonight."

Pettigrew let out a gasp of relief.

"Oh, thank you – thank you! The Lord is generous and noble -"

"But a payment is required for my generosity," the Dark Lord interrupted. Pettigrew went quiet. "Yes... I will let you go back to your dear mother - in exchange for your loyalty."

"My... my loyalty?"

The Dark Lord bared his teeth. He rose from the armchair and glided to Pettigrew's side. Pettigrew tried to crawl away from the Dark Lord, but Bellatrix pressed him back on the floor with her foot.

"Yes... your undying loyalty. That is the price of your freedom, Pettigrew," the Dark Lord said. "For your unwavering loyalty, you will be released this very night. No more pain, Pettigrew. No more cold dungeon. Freedom." Pettigrew raised his ashy face and stared at the Dark Lord with a hypnotised look on his face, as though the Dark Lord had put some sort of an enchantment over him. The Dark Lord continued. "If you need gold, you will be given gold. Lord Voldemort takes care of his friends."

"I'll do anything – _anything_ -"

"Then..." the Dark Lord interrupted. "Then, my grovelling little friend... hold out your arm."

And at his words the black shackles around Pettigrew's arms and legs vanished into the air like dark smoke. He fell limp against the floor, then rubbed the red bruises around his wrists. But he had barely had the time to get used to his freedom when his left arm rose - seemingly on its own accord, because Pettigrew stared at it in shock - and the torn sleeve fell away to reveal a burnt pudgy arm. The Dark Lord drew out his wand – Pettigrew recoiled in panic.

"Peter Pettigrew," the Dark Lord whispered, his voice ringing in the respectful silence. "I have chosen to Mark you as my Death Eater. Will you, Peter Pettigrew, accept me as your ultimate Leader and Master, above every other Leader and Master, above every other commander?"

Pettigrew stared at the wand in the Dark Lord's hand with a shocked look in his eyes.

"I -" he whispered, then swallowed. He was quiet for a moment. In his tiny watery eyes Severus saw the panic of a trapped animal. The crowd of Death Eaters stood silently, knowing what was about to take place. Finally Pettigrew spoke again: "I... I will."

And the tip of the Dark Lord's yew wand pressed against Pettigrew's arm, like it had pressed against Severus's arm so many months ago. Pettigrew inhaled sharply, perhaps in surprise - and then the room became filled with his terrified, pained cries when the Mark started carving itself into his flesh and blood poured out of the soft milky skin on his inner arm. Beside Severus, Lucius moved restlessly, perhaps unhappy about the blood dripping all over his expensive rug. Severus felt his own Mark prickling uncomfortably as he watched Pettigrew writhing in agony while his skin cracked and melted and the outline of the serpent started to take form. For a brief moment, Lily's loathing eyes flashed in his mind. He closed his eyes; his head was starting to throb again. When Pettigrew's crying ceased, he opened them, and saw Pettigrew trace the newly minted scarlet serpent on his skin with a trembling finger. The Dark Lord withdrew his wand. A silent whimper escaped Pettigrew. His lower lip was shaking.

"Now leave, my filthy friend," the Dark Lord said and turned away to return to his seat. "Go to your dear sick mother. You will be called when I need you."

Bellatrix roughly yanked Pettigrew up and pushed him towards the door. She pulled out a short, thick wand from her pocket and chucked it into his arms. It was clear that despite his new status as a Death Eater, his value hadn't increased in her eyes. Pettigrew ran from the room, past the apathetic Minister, slipping on the rug and still holding on to his arm. He started crying again when he disappeared around the corner, and the sound of his weeping echoed in the Malfoy Manor's corridors until he had ran out of the faraway front door. The Dark Lord sat back down on to the armchair and eyed his remaining followers, who started their usual cowering the moment his eyes started combing through the crowd.

"My numbers have increased. The Ministry is finally mine. What a joyful day this is," the Dark Lord said. A metallic tinge appeared into his voice when he spoke again. "What a joyful day it _should_ be. There is only one thing that stops me from rejoicing. One thing I am yet without."

"What is it, my Lord?" whispered Bellatrix, hurrying back to his side. The Dark Lord's eyes turned colder when he turned his head towards her.

"You should know, Bellatrix. Or did I not remind you of your failure harshly enough?" he said coldly, making Bellatrix jump slightly. "It is your luck you made yourself useful in other ways that evening." He turned his eyes back towards his followers. His slit of a mouth curled. "Why... does... she... still... _WALK?_ "

The last word rang in the sudden grave silence of the parlour. Next to Severus, Lucius jumped and cowered. Chills ran down Severus's back; he knew exactly whom the Dark Lord was talking about. But he could tell many Death Eaters around him didn't, because they were casting confused looks around themselves, though nobody was foolish enough to say anything. Only Bellatrix sat with her back straight, looking ready to accept whatever further punishment her master chose fit to give her.

"I have clearly overestimated my Death Eaters," the Dark Lord continued in a softer voice after a moment's silence. "I have overestimated your skills and dedication. Despite my faith, I find myself disappointed yet again." Beside him, Bellatrix looked mortified. "The mission I gave you turned out a complete disaster. You have been punished for your failures, and I hope you will remember the pain the next time when you are about to fail me. The only success of that mission is that the bloodtraitor Sirius Black is dead, killed by Bellatrix -" behind Severus, someone flinched a little "- and thus the name of Wizard is a little purer again. Even this happy event went against my orders but I am willing to admit it brings me joy, and will thus forgive it."

This news was met with satisfied murmurs, and Bellatrix now glowed with dark satisfaction, her heavy-lidded eyes burning brightly, proudly. For a moment she looked strikingly beautiful.

"There will be no more failures," the Dark Lord continued. "If my Death Eaters are unable to capture and bring the little Mudblood to me, then she will need to willingly come to me. Amikus – I need your services again. You will come with me. Lucius -" beside Severus, Lucius flinched " - I won't need you for now. Escort the Minister out and remain here waiting for my orders. Bella, you're coming with me. The rest of you – leave. Drink. Be merry. Celebrate! Britain is finally ours."

And amidst fervent bows and mutters, the Dark Lord again rose from the armchair – Bellatrix rushed over to him – and Disapparated soundlessly. Bellatrix followed him, as did Amikus, the editor of the Daily Prophet, whom the Dark Lord had called out. The moment they were gone, the Death Eaters started moving and speaking.

"Ours!" someone shrieked in excitement. "Ours, all of it!"

"Who's up for a drink?" said someone else. "You heard our Lord! Let's get wasted and celebrate!"

"Can I slap the Minister?" A third one asked maliciously and chuckled hoarsely. "D'you think he'll mind?"

One by one, the Death Eaters started Disapparating. Beside Severus, Lucius turned towards him.

"How vile," he muttered tiredly. His eyes too were bloodshot, the blue of his irises gleaming brighter than usual against the red veins. "Cissy won't like what happened to the rug. I must tell Dobby to deal with it before she returns. And the smell, too..."

"Are you all right?" Severus asked quietly, inspecting his red eyes, and remembering Narcissa's worry over her husband's health. "Crucio, I presume?"

Lucius dismissed his worry with a carefree wave of a sapphire-ringed hand.

"Fine now," he said avoidingly. "Better anyway – just a little tired. I would invite you to stay for a night cap -" his eyes moved from Severus to look somewhere over his shoulder, " - and you too, Regulus, of course -" Severus jumped, " - but I hope you won't mind terribly if I send you an invitation for some other evening instead."

"It's perfectly all right," said a quiet voice behind Severus. "I understand. I hope you will feel well soon."

Severus whirled around. He stared. His heart had suddenly jumped into his throat. He forgot about his headache.

Before him stood a young man, his face covered with a mask as expected. But through the eye slits, Severus saw familiar dark grey eyes, rimmed with black, thick lashes. Regulus Black. And suddenly he remembered what it was that he had forgotten; the thing that had nagged at him throughout the day, ever since Narcissa had asked him to do his best to succeed at the task the Dark Lord had given him... his heart started hammering against his rib cage...

"I'm really terribly sorry. I suggest you join the rest and celebrate," Lucius said, unaware of Severus's inner turmoil. "Well... I should go and escort the Minister and his son out. Regulus, Severus - have a good evening. There's Floo powder on the mantle should you require any."

Severus hardly heard him. He continued to stare at the young man before him. Why hadn't he remembered him before? Why hadn't he remembered that Lucius had hinted that Regulus Black, one of the newest Death Eater recruits, knew something about what the Dark Lord was after - something that had to do with the Arch?

It wasn't like Severus to be so forgetful, but perhaps everything that had happened during the weekend had taken its toll on him after all. But even though Severus had not looked for the man, there he now was; Regulus Black, the man who might hold the key to the mystery of the Arch without even knowing it. It wasn't until the young man turned towards the fireplace and Severus realised he was about to leave, that he found his voice. He had to act quickly.

"Regulus Black?" he asked in a low voice. The younger man paused and turned back around to peer at Severus. The eyes behind the mask were cautious. He examined Severus's eyes for a long time before speaking.

"Severus... Severus Snape, is it?" he asked, in that same quiet voice.

Severus nodded. His brain had gone on overdrive. He thought quickly, then made a decision. He had to somehow get his hands on whatever information Regulus might be in possession of.

"I hear Lucius has taken you under his wing, so to speak," Severus said, attempting a conversational tone. "I, too, have joined only quite recently - on his recommendation."

"Is that so," Regulus said, his eyes flickering between Severus's again, and Severus could tell he was wondering why he had opened up a conversation with him.

"Yes. Lucius is an old friend of mine," Severus said. "And a friend of my friend's is of course my friend. What do you say to a quick drink with me? I know a place."

Regulus looked around himself, at the quickly emptying drawing room.

"I was thinking of just heading home," he said quietly."I'm not in the mood for... well, it's just that..." he seemed to hesitate for a moment. "I'm expected at home. And I don't really like pubs anyway. They're always so... crowded."

"Then I can guarantee you'll like the one I'm taking you to," Severus said decisively, cutting Regulus's excuses short. "Come on. Just one drink – it's only right – since we have so much to celebrate."

Regulus hesitated for a heartbeat.

"All right then," he finally said, sounding perhaps a little unenthusiastic, but clearly too polite to outright refuse Severus's friendly offer. "One drink."

He offered his hand and Severus grabbed him by the arm. _Bless the polite upbringing of the_ _Purebloods_ , he thought triumphantly, before Disapparating.

"Oy, mate, watch where you're going! There's an Apparation spot just a block away!" A hoarse, annoyed voice greeted them when they materialised on the cobblestoned side street of Knockturn Alley, outside the same pub where Narcissa had taken Severus earlier that day. The shrivelled-looking old man in front of them took a step back; by all appearances Severus had nearly Apparated on top of him. But the man's annoyed expression soon turned shocked and then apologising when he noticed their cloaks and masks. "Sorry, sir, I didn't know," the man muttered and gave a clumsy bow, then rushed to the other side of the street. Severus had to admit to himself that he enjoyed the effect the robes had on bystanders.

The tiny cat's skeleton hung above the door rattled ominously for the second time that day when Severus pushed the door of the Voodoo Skeleton open, and the heads of the few customers turned to give them apprehensive looks. Despite the lateness of the hour, there were still only four customers in the pub; a man sitting by the counter and sipping a large glass of brandy; a crouched, ominous-looking old woman with messy hair sitting alone in a corner staring at the door, her skullish face covered in shadows, and two neatly-dressed and combed young men who looked very out of place in this part of the Wizarding London. Severus guessed they had come there out of curiosity. When the two men saw Death Eaters stepping in to the pub, they turned to look at each other with similar blankly horrified looks on their faces, then swiftly got up, and after throwing a couple of coins on the table, hurried out of the pub. The skeletal cat rattled as the door closed behind them, red light briefly flickering in its hollow eyes. It let out a creaking meow when Regulus passed under it.

"Quiet, puss," the bartender, a slick-looking bearded man with large bags under his eyes, croaked at the skeleton. It was the same bartender who had been there earlier that day. "We won't want no trouble, puss – no, no, let them pass..."

The cat's skeleton rattled in response.

"What do you drink?" Severus asked Regulus as he made his way towards the counter.

"Anything strong," Regulus said, sounding a little nervous. He peered around himself like he was doing something illicit. Severus paused, frowning behind his mask. He thought of the meow the skeleton cat had let out when Regulus had passed under it, and suddenly realised that Regulus Black might not have been of age yet. Wasn't he one year younger than Sirius had been? Or was it two? Nevertheless, Severus nodded at the younger man and gestured at him to go and choose a table. Regulus went to the opposite side of the pub from the evil-looking old lady lurking in shadows, and sat down in a corner table near the window.

"Two double Firewhiskys," Severus said to the bartender, who gave him a crooked, malicious smile partly hidden behind unkempt moustache and beard.

"Coming right up, sir, yes," the bartender said and nodded vigorously, stroking his beard. Severus looked in mild disgust as the man abandoned tending to his beard and then grabbed two dirty-looking glasses, and leaving greasy fingerprints all over them, reached for the bottle of Firewhiskey.

"In _clean_ glasses, if you can spare some," Severus said icily, and the man stopped in the middle of the movement. His expression revealed that such a request was unheard of in this part of the town, but getting over his shock quickly, the slick smile returned on his face and he bowed so deeply his forehead hit the side of the bar.

"Oh, yes, sir, oh, of course," he said in an obsequious tone, rubbing his red forehead. "Well spotted, sir."

"Bring them over when you're done," Severus said and turned to join Regulus, whom he spotted sitting stiffly on the edge of his seat in the corner table. He was apprehensively eyeing an umbrella stand made out of a human ribcage near the unlit fireplace.

"For your convenience, I have chosen the least crowded pub in London," Severus said dryly as he took a seat on the opposite side of the table. "I hope it's to your liking."

"It's... uh... very nice," Regulus said lamely. His eyes lingered on the greasy surface of the table between them, and he crossed his arms in his lap.

"I doubt anyone's ever called it that before," Severus said. Just then the bartender limped over, bringing with him two clean glasses filled to the brim with whisky. Regulus grabbed his eagerly. Severus lifted his glass.

"To the Dark Lord," he said, watching Regulus very closely.

"To the Dark Lord," Regulus repeated, after a heartbeat. His eyes flickered away from Severus's. Pausing his own glass on his lips, Severus was glad to see the younger man take a large gulp of the drink, and hoped he would get tipsy enough to sing everything he knew about the Dark Lord. Regulus grimaced, then started coughing, and his eyes filled with water.

"It's a little strong," Severus said, mildly amused, before taking a sip of his own. "But surely you knew that."

"Yes, of course," Regulus said and took another large gulp, clearly eager to prove he was no novice when it came to hitting the bar. His eyes wandered around the dark pub, over the greasy floors and the shelves, where shrivelled fingers and eyeballs still floated in their dark liquids. With a drink in hand, he seemed to relax slightly. His eyes finally settled upon Severus. Sirius's eyes, exactly the same - but less menacing than Severus had ever seen them on his older brother. These eyes stared at him with a slightly cautious but honest look in them.

"I remember you from Hogwarts," Regulus said, taking another gulp. "You used to tutor younger students in Potions and Defence against the Dark Arts, didn't you?"

"Years ago, yes," Severus said. "I didn't like it very much. But some young dunderheads were happy to pay for private tutoring. And I was happy to oblige."

Regulus turned his eyes back towards the greasy surface of the table.

"I was in your Potions study circle on my second year," he said after an awkward pause.

"I didn't mean to offend you," Severus said quickly. "I'm certain you did well."

"I didn't," Regulus mumbled. "I was never very good at Potions. Or at school, for that matter. That's why mum let - I mean, that's why I quit."

"You quit school?" Severus asked, shocked. He had never even in his worst moments even thought about quitting school, nor had he before heard of anyone who had willingly left Hogwarts. He couldn't help but stare Regulus as though he was some never-before-seen mythical creature he had discovered lurking in the shady corners of the pub. Regulus emptied the rest of his glass without seeming to notice his staring, then shrugged, but didn't explain himself.

Severus eyed him for a long time. He had never really noticed the boy at school, having only faint memories of him sitting alone in the common room or the library – Severus had always assumed he was bookish. Of course Severus had known he was related to Sirius, but he had never seen the two of them together. Not even on the Hogwarts train, where they undoubtedly had arrived together each start of term. While their looks were similar, Regulus didn't seem to have inherited any of his brother's loud, obnoxious, attention-seeking attributes. He now sat quietly and looked like he was only there out of politeness, perhaps wondering when he could finally excuse himself home and go to bed.

"Why did you want to quit?" Severus asked, genuinely interested.

Regulus shrugged again.

"A diploma hardly matters now, does it? I mean, it's the Mark that you need, not a diploma, if you want to succeed. Not that I need a career, really..." he paused. "I mean, now that I'm the only heir and everything..."

Regulus went quiet and stared at the bottom of his empty glass. Severus quickly gestured at the bartender to come over with the bottle.

"Leave it," he said to the man, who set the bottle of Firewhisky between them. Severus quickly poured Regulus another drink. He remembered how someone had flinched behind him when the Dark Lord had mentioned Sirius's death – had it been Regulus? Thinking quickly, Severus took a risk.

"Your family must have been very proud of you when you joined," he said slowly. "Especially your cousin – Bellatrix Lestrange. She _is_ your cousin, isn't she?"

For a brief moment Severus thought he saw a flicker of loathing pass in Regulus's eyes, before he turned his eyes back towards his drink.

"She is," he said quietly. "We're not close, though. But I suppose she was proud."

"Your brother was on the same year with me at Hogwarts. I guess he was less thrilled about the news," said Severus. He took a sip of his drink. His eyes never left Regulus's face.

Regulus didn't look at him in the eyes.

"No," he muttered. "No, he wrote me and told me he didn't approve. Well... sent a Howler, actually... last week... it was the last time that I..." but his voice trailed. He took a large gulp of the drink, and coughed again.

"Ah, yes, his death must have come as a shock to you," Severus said.

Regulus remained quiet for another moment.

"He was a bloodtraitor," he said finally. He pursed his lips. "That's all."

A short silence ensued.

"Another drink?" Severus offered the younger man, and poured his glass up to the brim without waiting for an answer. He didn't know how to approach the subject he most wanted to approach, and he was very aware of the ticking of the seconds, and of the fact that Lily was – hopefully – still at home, awake and waiting for him. He briefly wondered if she was mad at him – then turned his concentration back to the quiet young man.

"Every family has its black sheep," Severus said finally. "But no matter. He's dead now -" he was glad to see Regulus flinch slightly and knew he had hit the target " - and at least you have your cousins. Perhaps now that you've joined you can rekindle your relationship with them."

"I don't really want to," Regulus muttered. "I like Cissy but Bellatrix is..." he paused. "I can't imagine us ever being close."

"I understand," Severus said and tried to extinguish the excitement from his voice when he suddenly realised how to convince Regulus that they were on the same side. "She is not a particularly pleasant person, if you don't mind me saying so."

"Not at all."

"In fact I must admit I dislike her intensely," Severus dared to say. "And I suspect the feeling is mutual, though I don't know what grudge she harbours towards me. I on the other hand simply don't understand the way she revels in unnecessary violence."

"She can be quite cruel," Regulus said quietly. "It... it shocks me."

And he did seem shocked. He stared at the golden liquid in his glass with glassy eyes, looking like he was a million miles away. Severus wondered whether he was thinking of his dead brother, and didn't dare to break the silence. Finally Regulus spoke.

"I always thought it'd be so cool to join," Regulus muttered to the bottom of his glass. His voice was a little blurred, and Severus could tell the drinks were starting to affect him. "For years, that's all I thought about. I imagined how everyone in my family would be so proud... I could quit school... I wouldn't just be the 'younger Mr. Black' anymore. No... they would see me for me, finally..." he sighed. "I wanted it. I wanted it so much. And they said you have to be seventeen to do it... but the Dark Lord chose me anyway. 'To honour the noble and pure Black family', he said. I was so excited when I heard."

"I understand," Severus said. Then, after holding his breath for a heartbeat, he tentatively asked: "And is the reality not quite as you expected?"

"It's..." Regulus started. Then he snapped his mouth shut. He raised his eyes and gave Severus a very suspicious look; he had obviously realised that he was taking a big risk, trusting a near-stranger with his potential doubts about joining. "Why do you ask?" he said in a guarded, slightly blurred tone, confirming Severus's suspicions. But before Severus had the time to reassure Regulus of his intentions, Regulus spoke again."It's... of course it's as good. _Better,_ even – you see how everyone looks at us with respect when we wear these robes?" He waved his hand with grandiose gestures over the nearly empty pub where not a single pair of eyes was currently admiring their robes (the menacing-looking old lady had fallen asleep at her table). A haughty, passionate tone had appeared to his voice, making him sound more like Sirius. "And soon we can be out in the open - everyone will know our names!"

He then drank the rest of his glass and sloppily poured some more, spilling some on the table. A defiant look had appeared into his eyes. Severus nodded calmly.

"You're right. What a grand day that will be," he said reassuringly. Then, after both had taken a sip of their drinks, Severus took another big risk.

"I was just like you," he said. "I wanted to join for years. But..." he lowered his voice. "Now that I have joined, I must admit my dreams were better than reality. And I'm telling this to you in all confidence - but I would be lying if I said that on rare occasions it hasn't crossed my mind whether I made the right choice or not."

Regulus lifted his head and gave him a long, unreadable look. Severus expected him to grab the hook, but the boy said nothing. He was surprisingly tough to crack.

"Sometimes, when we are expected to bear heavy burdens without complaints, without giving room for human emotions or error," Severus pressured, realising he might need to erase the boy's memories at the end of the evening, but not caring. "It can sometimes just be a bit too much."

Regulus still didn't say anything.

"I'm sure, for instance, that despite everything, you still cared about your brother," Severus said, throwing caution to the wind. "And it can't be easy having to celebrate his death – together with his killer."

And maybe it was the reminder of Sirius, or maybe it was the alcohol, but suddenly Regulus's dark grey eyes turned wet. He turned his head away and wiped the tears away, leaving his hand over his eyes. His emotional walls seemed to have collapsed in a second; Severus congratulated himself on his work.

"No," Regulus croaked from behind his hand. "It's not easy. It feels... cruel. _I_ feel cruel."

"I understand. He was your brother," said Severus.. He thought of the weird, hateful relationship between Lily and Petunia, which he had never really understood, but which Lily had always explained by saying 'she's my sister' as though that should have explained it all. And perhaps somehow it did, because Regulus closed his eyes and tears started to freely pour out of them and over his cheeks.

"It's so cruel," he whispered. "It makes me sick. I wish I could get out."

"I understand." Severus hesitated for a moment. He leaned closer to Regulus. "You shouldn't say that out loud though. Not to the others."

Regulus peered at him through his fingers, his eyes wet and slightly puffy.

"Are you going to tell?" He asked bluntly. Naively.

Severus shook his head.

"No," he said. "Let's keep it between us."

"Why are you so interested in me?" Regulus asked suddenly, wiping his eyes. "I know you didn't just invite me here because you wanted to socialise."

"What makes you think so?" Severus asked, a little startled.

"Because I know your reputation. From school, I mean. You don't socialise with anyone. You don't _like_ anyone."

 _And nobody likes you,_ was the unsaid end of that sentence.

Severus leaned back in his chair. For a moment he vacillated between truth and lies – then he looked into Regulus's red-rimmed, sad eyes, and thought of his naively honest confessions, and made up his mind.

"I need something from you," he said quietly. "Information. I have received a task from the Dark Lord – something which I'm struggling with. It doesn't matter what it concerns. But by accident, Lucius happened to mention that you know something that might aid me. Something which I need to know."

Regulus's eyes looked confused.

"Something that _I_ know that can help you?" he said slowly. "In a task given by the Dark Lord?"

Severus nodded.

"I heard you had some sort of a talk with him when you were first recruited. It had something to do with him wanting to prolong his life – that he has dabbled with Old Magic to do so. And something to do with the way he looks now... if I understood Lucius correctly."

"Oh, that..." Regulus said slowly, understanding dawning in his eyes. "Yes, I know what you mean now. But... I'm sorry... I don't understand how that will help you with anything."

"I hope it will help me understand what it is that he wants me to do," Severus explained patiently. "But unfortunately I am spell-bound to keep me from revealing any more of the matter to outsiders. Will you tell me what it is that he told you that day?"

Regulus hesitated for a moment, and sipped at his drink while Severus waited impatiently.

"If I help you, will you promise you won't tell anyone anything? About what I tell you – or about the things I've said about wanting out... and about Bellatrix and my brother?" Regulus asked, again unwittingly revealing his naivete to Severus; of course he would say yes even if he intended to betray his trust. But Severus yet again nodded, trying to look as sincere as possible, which was not easy because Regulus could only see his eyes through the mask.

"Very well," Regulus said. He sipped his drink for a moment, then started his tale. "That day was the first time I ever saw the Dark Lord in the flesh. I was shocked by his looks. Deeply so. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes... this seemed to amuse him. He said to me something about his looks..." Regulus hesitated for a moment. He stared at the glass and frowned. "I'm afraid I can't remember exactly what it was he said..."

"Can I see?" Severus asked eagerly. "Do you trust me enough to let me use Legilimens?"

The idea didn't seem to please Regulus.

"If you must," he said finally. "I don't like it though... it hurts."

"It won't," Severus promised. "It only hurts when he does it."

And because Regulus didn't refuse, Severus caught his eye and pushed into the man's mind, through the cottony buzz of the drinks, through the lingering sadness over his brother's death, until he found himself from the Lestrange Mansion. The Dark Lord's slit-like red eyes were gleaming in amusement as he leaned forwards in his chair. Severus felt Regulus's disgust, his fear.

 _'Are you repulsed by my body, Regulus?'_ the high, hissing voice said. Sharp teeth gleamed white when the Dark Lord smiled, his skullish face stretching grotesquely. _'And yet I have your blood line to thank for my current visage. Yes, my body is a weak old thing – you are right to be repulsed by it. A price to pay for having secured my soul by magic so dark and ancient that it has wasted away my body until it looks as though it were only a second away from annihilation. But perhaps you would not have found me quite so repulsive had you seen me in my younger days? I used to be handsome, as handsome as you and your bloodtraitor brother are, perhaps even handsomer... yess, it opened many doors for me...'_

Regulus turned his head away from the Dark Lord in disgust, and Severus pulled out of his mind, blinking when the shadowy pub appeared back before his eyes.

"What does it mean?" he asked, unable to mask his excitement. "What is he talking about? Your blood line to thank for his looks?"

Regulus looked uncomfortable.

"I can only guess," he muttered. "I don't pretend to know for certain."

"Tell me," Severus pleaded. His heart was drumming in excitement; this had to be it, the very thing Lucius had meant, the very thing that could help him. Regulus sighed.

"Do you know who Herpo the Foul is?" he asked. Severus blinked.

"Herpo the Foul?" he repeated in confusion. The name was familiar; Professor Binns' parchment-dry, creaking voice came to mind; the rustling of his papers, the white chalk on the board in front of the class. Severus frowned. "The Ancient Greek wizard? One of the earliest so called Dark Wizards – also one of the earliest known Parselmouths? Inventor of the Imperio curse?"

Regulus nodded. "He is one of the ancestors of the Black family – though of course that's ancient history now; we migrated to Britain over a thousand years ago. But my family has always been proud to be related to him; he's so famous."

"And what does he have to do with the Dark Lord?"

"My guess is..." Regulus hesitated and sipped at his drink. "My grandfather told me stories about Herpo the Foul... and he always told me he came up with a way to live forever."

"Live forever," Severus repeated slowly. His heart was drumming inside his chest. This had to be it – the thing the Dark Lord was after.

"My grandfather was convinced he's still alive, somewhere," Regulus shrugged. He seemed to start enjoying telling his tale, because he leaned back in his chair and took another sip of his drink, basking in Severus's attention. "But if he is, he's been keeping it quiet, hasn't he? My grandfather's mind was going a bit, so I wouldn't be too certain about that part of the story. Either way... according to the story, Herpo the Foul found a way to bind parts of his soul to inanimate objects – these soul fragments were then called Horcruxes. The purpose of which was to stop him from ever dying – even if his body would die, a part of him would still be alive, somewhere. But as a result of his experiments, he became deformed and vile-looking; paid the price for immortality with ugliness, you could say - hence the nickname 'the Foul'. So naturally this was what first came to my mind when the Dark Lord mentioned his looks and the old magic he's used..."

"You think the Dark Lord has succeeded in doing the same?" Severus asked expressionlessly. "Created a... Horcrux? Do you think he's found a way to split his soul and... live forever?"

Suddenly, the memory of the soulless, hollow-eyed Shells appeared before his mind's eye. Severus remembered how he had once come to think that there was something similar in them and in the Dark Lord. He couldn't help the repulsed shiver that ran through him. Regulus stared at his drink before chugging the rest of it down.

"I don't know," he muttered. "It's just a guess. He sounded so proud..."

The two men were quiet for a long time. Severus thought of the Arch, of its fluttering veil... his head was spinning. Why was the Dark Lord interested in the Death's Door if he had already managed to secure an eternal life for himself? If a part of his soul indeed was hidden somewhere, he was beyond the reach of Death – safe... immortal... had succeeded in what most wizards could only dream of. What could ever top that?

"I don't feel too good," Regulus muttered suddenly.

Severus lifted his gaze, having almost forgotten his presence. Regulus was staring at the empty glass in front of himself. Then he suddenly slammed a hand over his mouth, jumped up so quickly that the entire table shook, pushed away the chair, and strode away from Severus. Regulus scrambled towards the pub's door – and then he abruptly stopped. He kneeled over. And as Severus and the bartender watched in mute surprise, the youngest of the Most Noble House of Black proceeded to loudly empty the contents of his stomach into the ribcage umbrella stand he had earlier admired.

While he continued his helpless barfing, a heavy silence fell over the pub as all eyes were directed towards the crying, crawling Death Eater vomiting amidst them. Regulus had slumped weakly against the ribcage and continued gagging. Severus got up, threw a few coins on the table, and walked over to the miserably gasping young man.

"I think it's time for you to go home now," he said calmly. "Take a bit of Hangover Vanish, and you'll be fine."

"We don't have any," Regulus gasped into the bottom of the ribcage umbrella stand, spitting vomit out of his mouth. "My mother doesn't approve of alcohol. She says it's pure poison."

Severus stared at him.

"In that case I'm afraid I have some bad news for you – she's bound to notice you've enjoyed some. Unless you manage to sneak into your room very quickly."

But Regulus didn't hear him – he had lowered his head back into the ribcage and was now showering the floor with a new projectile of vomit. Severus looked around himself; the bartender was staring at them with a murderous look in his eyes, but pathetic as the show undoubtedly was, he still didn't dare to approach them with complaints – again, Severus found himself thankful for the robes and masks. His face was scarlet behind his as he watched the ungraceful performance the boy was giving, and tried to hold his breath when the repulsive fumes of sick reached his nose. For a moment he contemplated just turning on his heel and leaving the boy, but then felt oddly remorseful as he watched as the boy trembled weakly against the ribcage.

"I can't go home like this," Regulus panted when he had finished hurling. He wiped his mouth into his sleeve. "My mum will beat me with a knob bat and then ground me."

Severus had no clue what a knob bat was, nor did he particularly care to know.

"I once bought Firewhisky filled chocolates," Regulus breathed. "I couldn't sit for a week after she caught me and whipped me with the knob bat. And I didn't even have the time to eat any."

"You're a Death Eater," Severus reminded the boy, feeling a prickling annoyance inside himself. "Your mother can't ground you. Or beat you, for that matter. Don't be ridiculous!"

"You don't know my mum," Regulus said weakly. "She can. And she will. And her knob bat -"

"All right, all right!" Severus said impatiently. "I'll take you to the Leaky Cauldron. You'll stay the night there. Come on."

And he pulled the young Mr. Black behind himself, and escaped the pub and the scene of shame they left behind. He tried to calculate how many drinks Regulus had had but couldn't – he had been too wrapped up in their discussion to notice. It turned out the number must have been high: Regulus limply staggered behind him, holding on to walls and lampposts on his way as he advanced like a young fawn over the slippery cobblestones. Cheeks red behind his mask, Severus peered around himself to see if anyone saw their less-than-menacing night time stroll – but luckily the alleys were empty and dark, the still-continuing rain having driven away all potential customers. Tired of dragging Regulus behind himself, Severus finally hoisted the boy's arm over his shoulder and Disapparated to the door of the Leaky Cauldron, hoping the Disapparation wouldn't cause the boy to barf all over his robes. He quickly let go of him when they had reached their destination. Regulus immediately staggered to the nearest gutter and emptied the contents of his stomach yet again.

But the Leaky Cauldron wasn't open. Severus stared at the door in shock – he couldn't remember a time when it hadn't been open. But there it was – a neatly scribbled note on the door, which informed him that the Leaky Cauldron's Inn had joined the growing number of businesses which had closed their doors from the public. Severus cursed loudly. Then he turned towards Regulus.

"Do you have anywhere else you could go? Your grandfather, for instance?"

Regulus shook his head and spat on the ground, then sat down in the wet gutter and leaned his back against a nearby lamppost. He took off his mask and wiped his face; sweaty black hair fell over his sallow face; a younger Sirius Black in the flesh.

"Dead."

"The Malfoys'?" Severus suggested hopefully.

"Can't get in," Regulus said. "Not without an invitation. Old magic and wards..."

Severus stared at the boy in irritation. There he sat in the gutter, phlegmatic and unhelpful like a giant flobberworm, having suddenly become his responsibility, it seemed.

"It's all right," Regulus said weakly. "I can just stay here... better than going home, anyway..."

Severus scoffed.

"In the gutter?" he asked coldly. "In the rain? Don't be ridiculous."

Regulus said nothing. Severus tapped his foot against the ground in irritation. His head was hurting again, and he was tired – couldn't this day be over already? But the boy remained as unhelpful as ever, his big grey eyes wet and helpless. How hadn't Severus realised immediately how childish this boy was? It must have been the robes – he had fallen victim to the same illusion they gave to the strangers who ran away when they approached. Regulus now sniffed and wiped his clammy, sickly face into his sleeve, and looked every bit like an overgrown little boy. A _drunk_ little boy. Severus sneered. He shouldn't have told the bartender to leave the bottle.

"Come on then," Severus hissed, feeling annoyed and just a little guilty. "You're coming with me."

Whether Regulus was surprised by the turn of events, he didn't show it. Severus grabbed him by the arm and yanked him up a little rougher than was necessary – then they Disapparated.

Severus didn't dare to Apparate straight inside, afraid that Lily would be waiting for him downstairs. Instead he Apparated just outside the front door, and turned back towards Regulus, who swayed dangerously close to the steps, his face greenish. Severus grabbed him by the shoulder so he wouldn't fall down the steps and break his neck.

"You will wait here," he said, letting go of the boy. " I'll come and get you in five minutes. Meanwhile, don't wander off, don't fall down the steps, and don't follow me in. And if you need to vomit, do so on the yard - not here, and _definitely_ not against the door, or I will make you lap it back up. Understand?"

Regulus nodded. Then he hurried down the stairs to again vomit into a leafless bush next to the steps. Severus sighed, then stepped inside, removing his mask as he went.

The downstairs was dark and deserted; the only light came from the red crackling embers in the sitting room's fireplace. The scruffy, nameless owl had again returned from its hunt, and was now sitting on top of the armchair's backrest, where it stared at Severus with yellow, round eyes. It hooted quietly at him, and followed him into the kitchen, which was also empty. Severus was just about to pass through the hall and into the stairway, when a yellow light coming on on top of the stairs alerted him to the fact that Lily was on her way downstairs. Soon she appeared, wearing Severus's mother's old pale blue dressing gown, a tight-lipped look on her face.

"How nice," she hissed like an angry opossum the moment she saw him. "So you came back, finally – after only four hours. Had fun with your _friends,_ I presume?"

It didn't take a genius to realise she was in a foul mood. But Severus didn't stop to explain himself. He strode up the stairs two at a time, meeting her halfway up the creaky staircase.

"You need to go to your bedroom," he said. "Don't come out – I'll come in later and explain. All right?"

The sour look on Lily's face turned into a worried one.

"Why – what's wrong?"

Severus shook his head.

"There's this Death Eater outside, he's coming in -"

"WHAT?" Lily sputtered in panic. She grabbed his arm and shook him. "What are you talking about? Severus!"

"No, not like that," Severus said quickly. "He's not here for you. It's, uh, a friend... he's coming to stay to night. You need to stay in your room until the morning."

For a second Lily stared at him with wide, frightened eyes – then she pursed her lips again. She let go of his arm and crossed hers over her chest. Her eyes blazed.

"Oh, I see," she hissed. "You smell like alcohol, Severus! So you went out to frolic with your... _friends_ – then decided this is the best place to drunk crash? While _I'm_ in here?"

"No!" Severus said, jumping when he suddenly realised how it looked. "No, that's not what happened – look, it's a long story..."

He put his hand on her back and tried to guide her upstairs, but she didn't budge.

"You promised to keep me safe!" Lily hissed, and Severus panicked when he saw her eyes abruptly turn wet. Though she still looked angry, there was another sort of undertone to her words – fear, maybe, or perhaps sadness. "You _promised_ , Severus!"

"I will," Severus said, feeling terrible when her green, wet eyes stared at him as though he had disappointed her gravely. "I will, Lily. He's not a danger to you, or to anyone else besides perhaps himself. I'm sorry about this, but it's only for the night. Just one night – Regulus has nowhere else to go. I tried to take him to the Leaky Cauldron, but it was closed -"

"Regulus?" Lily jumped a little. "Regulus Black? Sirius's brother?"

"Yes," Severus hurried to say, grasping the opportunity. "He's young, he's utterly pissed, and he has nowhere to go… you see, his mother has this knob bat -"

"A _what_?" Lily frowned, quickly wiping her eyes.

"I have no idea, but it's something she uses to beat him -"

"Why would she beat him?"

"She doesn't approve of alcohol."

"But that's ridiculous! He's a bloody Death Eater!"

"Yes, but apparently Mrs. Black keeps a tight reign at home..."

Lily stared at him for a long moment. Severus suddenly realised he was still holding his hand on her lower back. His palm immediately started to sweat against her thin dressing gown. He quickly let go of her. Lily averted her eyes and sighed.

"Any other guests coming for a sleepover that I should know about?" She asked slightly icily. "You didn't invite You-Know-Who over while you were at it, did you?"

Severus shook his head. Lily sighed again.

"What should I do, then?" she asked in a resigned voice.

Severus smiled in relief.

"Nothing," he said. "You don't have to do anything. Just go to your room and go back to sleep. He won't come upstairs. And I'll make sure he's out by eight in the morning."

Lily gave him a long glance.

"I wasn't sleeping," Lily said. "I wanted to talk to you. Will you come to my room later?"

Severus paused. Something about the invitation to her bedroom in the middle of the night made his insides squirm nervously. The memory of how she had felt in his arms the day before briefly flashed in his head. But it was unlikely the visit would end up the way he hoped it to – most likely she wanted to talk about the Mark she had seen on his arm. Nervously, Severus pulled the sleeve lower over his arm.

"All right," he said.

Lily nodded.

"All right," she repeated. "I'll see you later, then."

Giving him another long glance, Lily turned on her heel and climbed up the stairs, towards the yellow light which came from the single lightbulb hanging on top of the stairs. Severus stayed where he was, listened to the floorboards creak under her steps, and didn't descend until he heard the sound of her bedroom door closing.

When Severus opened the front door, he found Regulus sitting on the wet steps, his head in his hands. The rain had abruptly stopped, though water was still pouring down the chutes. At the sound of the opening door, Regulus raised his eyes. He had pulled his hood down, and wet, black strands of hair hung over his ashy face.

"My head is spinning," Regulus breathed.

"You've never had a drink before in your life, have you?" Severus asked the boy.

Regulus only shook his head in response, then clutched it tighter in his hands, as though expecting it to fall off his shoulders and roll into the gutter. Severus sighed, then pulled the boy up and inside his house.

It seemed incredible that just a while ago Severus had hoped he could secure Regulus's trust; it now seemed to him that the boy trusted him _too_ much, having seemingly jumped from caution to brotherly trust within an hour. Severus gave Regulus a hefty dose of Hangover Vanish, which the boy chugged down without asking what it was. Then he filled a large glass with water and handed it to the boy – the boy drank that too. As Regulus chugged back the drink, Severus eyed the boy's greenish, handsome face with a mix of annoyance and pity. Close up, he looked even more like Sirius, but younger, more innocent. Young even for his age, which Severus now guessed was sixteen at most. His face still had that sensitive, frail quality about it; the tell-tale sign of boyhood. He should have been at school, having fun and playing pranks with his classmates - not here, vomiting into the gutter in Death Eater robes. Severus turned his gaze away.

After making sure Regulus wouldn't throw up all over the place, Severus led him into the bedroom at the end of the downstairs hallway, and told him he expected the boy to be gone by eight in the morning, sharp.

"How? I can't Disapparate," Regulus muttered in a blurred voice as he unashamedly stripped out of his robes in front of Severus. "I haven't passed my test yet."

Severus gave him a surly look, which seemed to go amiss. What had the Dark Lord been thinking, making a Death Eater of such a boy? He wasn't even old enough to legally use his wand outside Hogwarts!

"Fine," Severus said coldly. "I'll take you home in the morning, then. Now – good night."

Regulus fell on his belly on the dusty bed and didn't say a word. He seemed to go out like a light bulb, because in a few seconds, a puddle of drool started gathering on the pillowcase under his cheek, and barely seconds later a quiet snoring filled the room. Severus left the door open to let some fresh air in the unused, dank bedroom, then climbed back up the stairs. He paused for a heartbeat at Lily's door – pushed his locks back from his eyes and self-consciously tried his chin, where a five o'clock stubble had started to form – then knocked. His heartbeat had irrationally quickened to a wild gallop.

"Come in," Lily's voice said through the door.

Severus pushed the door open. He hadn't been to his bedroom since Lily's arrival, and the first thing he noticed was that the room seemed different somehow. Perhaps the impression was created by the several colourful, lacy things littering the dark divan in the centre of the room, or the fact that the curtains were open to reveal a patch of dark, star-lit sky, or perhaps because Lily herself was sitting on his bed, the red of her hair and the pale blue of her dressing gown contrasting with the bleak, grey sheets she sat on. Severus closed the door. He walked closer, then took a seat on the divan, but quickly jumped back up - he had just realised that the colourful lacy things next to him were lingerie of some sort. He flushed vigorously, tried not to look at them again, and walked over to the window, gazing out at the empty yard. The room was lit with a single candle, and the warm-hued reflection of the room flickered against the glass.

"What did you want to talk about?" Severus asked, staring at the reflection of Lily.

"What did he want?" Lily asked instead of answering.

Severus was quiet for a moment.

"He introduced the Minister to us," Severus said. "He's under the Imperio. Controlled by his own son."

"I... I see," said Lily.

"... And Pettigrew was there. He's a Death Eater now. And I also think I know how he saw you on Diagon Alley without you seeing him."

"How?"

"He's an Animagus," Severus said. "Though Merlin knows how a talentless imbecile such as him ever managed that. But if he was in animal form he could have seen you dispose of Morland's body, could've been right there next to you maybe, without you seeing him."

Lily said nothing. The silence lasted for a long time. Severus wondered if she was upset by what she had heard, but couldn't bring himself to ask. He stared at the orange-glow reflection of Lily on the window glass. Her hair looked like a flame.

"Can you come here for a bit?" Lily asked suddenly.

Severus jumped at the question, and turned around – for a moment he wondered if he had heard wrong. Lily was still sitting on the bed much like she had when he had entered, her hair falling over her breasts. Her eyes were amber in the flickering orange candlelight. Her expression was unreadable.

"Please?" Lily asked quietly.

Severus slowly walked across the room. He paused in front of Lily. After a moment's hesitation, he sat down next to her on the bed. He jumped again when Lily reached over him and grabbed his left wrist gently.

"Can I see it?" She asked. Her fingers were warm around his wrist and that was all he could think about – for a moment he didn't even understand what she meant. Then he came back to his senses and stiffened.

"The Mark?"

Lily nodded. Severus tried to read her expression but couldn't. She was sitting very close to him, and her fingers still lingered on his wrist, her arm resting lightly on his thigh as she leaned over him. The bare triangle of her chest looked cream white next to the light blue of the dressing gown. Desire mingling with bad foreboding, Severus unbuttoned his sleeve and rolled it up to reveal the Mark to her eyes. He didn't look at it. He only looked at her.

Lily looked at the Mark for a very long time and didn't utter a word. After a while, she reached for it, and trailed her fingers over it, just barely touching his skin, before pulling her hand away. It was so quiet now that the rain had subsided that Severus was afraid she could hear his quickly drumming heart. Her feather-light touch lingered on his skin, and his body immediately responded – he could only hope she didn't notice.

"What is it?" Lily finally whispered, breaking the silence where tension had slowly started to build.

"It's his Mark," Severus said. "He calls us through it."

"How?"

Severus hesitated, thinking how to describe the sensation; the specific pain that was the Mark's calling.

"It hurts," he said. "It burns. Like hot coals against skin. It pulls you with it to wherever it is that you are needed."

For a brief moment there was a strange look in Lily's eyes. It was gone before Severus could understand it.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why does it have to hurt?"

Severus thought of her question. He had never come to think of it before. Surely there was some purpose to it; the Mark was designed by the Dark Lord himself, and when one designed a spell, one did not leave anything up to chance. Severus knew this through his own experience in spellcrafting. His eyes trailed towards the scarlet serpent etched into his skin. Its eyes stared up at him from their slits, its mouth open in a mute hiss, reminding him of the Dark Lord's features. He quickly averted his eyes.

"I don't know," he said finally. "I've never thought of it."

"It's because he likes it, isn't it?" Lily asked. There was a sharp edge to her voice. "He enjoys inflicting pain, doesn't he?"

"Why does it matter?" Severus asked, uncomfortable under her gaze. He suddenly felt as though the Mark was prickling again. He didn't usually even think of it. Most of the time it was hidden under layers and layers of clothes. He felt uncomfortably revealed with it out in the open.

"How could you let him put something like that on your body?" Lily asked. The same strange look passed in her eyes again, and this time it lingered long enough for Severus to recognise it. It was disgust. Just a brief flicker before disappearing, but there just the same. He tensed, quickly rolled his sleeve back down and buttoned the sleeve.

"The robes and the mask," Lily continued breathlessly. "Those you can take off." She paused and drew a shuddering breath. "But that thing... that's going to be on your skin forever."

"How is that any of your business?" Severus heard himself snap, without really meaning to. He quickly snapped his mouth shut. He couldn't look at her, staring at the orange reflection of the window instead. Her words had made him feel dirty; tainted.

"It's not," Lily quietly admitted after a moment's silence. "It's just... I didn't think you would... I mean, it just seems..."

"What?"

"More permanent now," Lily muttered. "That you are a Death Eater, I mean. It feels irreversible..."

"I thought I already explained to you why it makes sense for me to be one. I thought you understood me. Why do you continue to hold it against me?"

"Because it's wrong," Lily said. "I can't explain it – I just feel it! I _feel_ that it's wrong. Can't _you_ feel it?"

Severus turned to look at her. Her eyes were imploring as she stared at him. Her lips were slightly parted.

"You do, don't you?" Lily pleaded. "I can see it in your eyes! You know it's wrong, Severus! You're having doubts, you're regretting it -"

She grabbed him by his arm, her fingers clutching at his bicep, burning a trail of sudden desire inside him, from the place where she touched him all the way to his very core. God, she was close. The candlelight made her eyes gleam golden, and some memory washed over Severus, powerful, intoxicating. They were the same golden colour as they had been once before, in the flickering candlelight of the corner nook of one of the attics of Hogwarts, when she had pressed her lips against his, her body against his. He swallowed.

"Lily -"

"I know you, Severus," Lily whispered fervently, her soft lips so close to his. His eyes lingered on them. She grasped his arm tighter, shaking him slightly, moved closer, just an inch, so that her thigh was touching his. "Deep down, you are good, no matter if you believe in that or not. I _know_ you, Severus."

Severus jumped a little at the passion in her voice, and flushed a little. Nobody had ever called him good before. Good at school maybe, but not _good._ The words made him feel oddly giddy inside, as though he had just received some sort of an approval he had desperately yearned for, without even knowing it. Lily's eyes stared at him imploringly; her chest was rising and falling in agitated breaths. She looked breathtakingly beautiful. Severus's eyes lingered on her lips again. They were parted just slightly, and looked very soft. Intriguing. Severus suddenly felt uncomfortably warm in his heavy robes when he remembered how they had felt against his; hot, eager. Her thigh burned against his. For one mad second he thought of leaning towards her and pressing his lips against hers – softly, just to try how they felt. He stared at them. They looked so soft. He swallowed again. Lily swallowed too, and her parted lips closed for just a second before parting again.

"What would be the use?" Severus heard himself say; Lily blinked and leaned a little away from him. "Even if I were having doubts, what difference would it make? You said it yourself – this thing is going to be on my skin forever. My allegiance will forever be with the Dark Lord. I made an oath to him; a blood oath... of sorts. I'm his. So what's the use of regretting or reconsidering now that it's done?"

"To me it matters," Lily whispered. "Is it true, then? Are you having second thoughts?"

Severus hesitated. Lily stared at him; he stared right back. He didn't know what he felt. Her thigh still touched his. He had a hard time thinking about anything else.

"I don't know," he said slowly. "There are times when I doubt... but then I think of the alternatives, which are even worse. And at least..." he hesitated. "At least this way things have turned out the way they have: you're still safe, alive. We're talking again... that counts for something... doesn't it? At least something's gone right. So it couldn't have been a mistake then, right?"

He gave Lily a long, imploring look. To his surprise, her face fell. Severus was startled when he saw tears rise to her eyes. She blinked quickly and looked away. But Severus didn't have the time to ask her what was wrong when she spoke again.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," Lily whispered hoarsely. "That's all I've been thinking today while you were at work. You've been so nice to me, and I feel like shit about my own behaviour."

"What behaviour?" Severus asked, genuinely confused.

Lily shook her head.

"Just... everything... for instance that time when you were called out from Slughorn's class... when your mother had passed away." Severus froze, but Lily continued without noticing; she was speaking to the curtain and didn't look at him. "When you came back to school a couple of days later, I stared at you in secret when you weren't looking, and I couldn't understand the look on your face at all... it was so hard to read... and I thought of staying behind after class. Talking to you. But I didn't... I didn't dare. I didn't know what to say to you. When the class ended I saw Slughorn pat you on the shoulder with this pitying look on his face and for a moment you looked so sad, and I just... sneaked out of the classroom before you came back to your desk. Like a bloody coward." Tears started pouring out of her eyes, and she buried her face in her hands before wiping them away. "And we used to be best friends!" Her voice cracked, and she turned her face away, drawing in quiet, shuddering breaths.

"Lily," Severus said powerlessly. "I don't care. Not anymore. You're here, aren't you? Right now? Right now, right this moment... everything is all right. You're safe, right here, and we're talking again. All that other stuff... it's in the past now. So don't cry, all right?"

Lily shook her head again, but after drawing in another shuddering breath, she turned her face back towards the curtain so that Severus saw a glimpse of her side profile. Her amber eyes were red-rimmed and she looked very tired. She closed her eyes. As Severus scrutinised her profile, he came to wonder what the time was.

"You should go to bed," he said, and because her eyes were closed, he dared to reach out for a stray lock of hair to push it behind her ear. Her eyelashes fluttered and she briefly opened her eyes before closing them again, and he quickly withdrew his hand, afraid he had made her uncomfortable. "Do you need something to help you sleep?"

"I have all day to sleep tomorrow," Lily muttered. Severus used the opportunity to stare at her unashamedly. Her tiredness made her softer, less guarded. He loved her like this. It seemed like he could see flickers of her very soul in the brief moments when she was like this. Calm. He wished he could hold her and let her fall asleep against him. Lily opened her eyes and rubbed them tiredly.

"Are you all right?" Lily asked him when she emerged behind her hands. She turned to look at him, giving him a long glance. "The arm... it doesn't hurt any more, does it?"

Severus shook his head.

"No. Only when I'm called."

Lily nodded. Severus hesitated.

"Does it disgust you?" He couldn't help but ask, tensing up as he scrutinised her expression. "The Mark, I mean?"

Lily avoided his eyes.

"It's not really any of my business," she said quietly. "Is it?"

Severus didn't know whether she was really asking or not. And so he said nothing.

It wasn't until Severus had soon after bid Lily good night and disappeared to his room that it occurred to him that perhaps he should have said something; anything... he felt like he had perhaps missed some chance, some small window in time... the thought depressed him. His own current bedroom seemed grey, cold and joyless after Lily's, and he fell among the bedcovers, feeling exhausted. His head was throbbing again; a steady, pulsating pain behind his temples. The day had been long, too long, the moments dancing in front of his eyes – the Minister and the dementors, Narcissa Malfoy telling him she was pregnant, the Dark Lord's sinister smiles, Regulus Black hurling in the ribcage umbrella stand, Lily's fingers trailing his Dark Mark... Severus rubbed his eyes, which felt like they were burning from tiredness. He absent-mindedly glanced at his watch – it was four in the morning. He would only get about three hours of sleep, if he was lucky.

But of course he wasn't. The house was very quiet – too quiet. Now that it was no longer raining, Severus realised he missed its steady drumming above his head. He thought of Lily again, and wondered whether he would have ever dared to kiss her. His desire warred with his fear; he still remembered the despair which had followed Slughorn's Valentine Day party. Now that Severus thought back on the Spring that had followed it, he realised he had behaved like a wounded animal; he had hid away from sight, licked his wounds in solitude, then had tried to continue living life as well as he could with the injuries she had inflicted upon him. It turned out they still hadn't completely healed.

And still, Severus tried to imagine her reaction if he had kissed her, but his mind only conjured up rejection. No – it was unthinkable. Firstly, he was a Death Eater, and she had made it clear that was something she did not approve of. The look of disgust on her face had hardly left room for guessing. Secondly, they now lived together, and making a move on her could ruin everything - even send her packing. No, this was the worst possible timing to act on his impulses; worse than all their Hogwarts years counted together.

And thirdly and most importantly - men who looked like him did not just go around kissing women who looked like Lily. And Severus knew she was full well aware she was attractive – James Potter's long courting had certainly not left it in any way unclear to her that she was the sort of a woman who could have her picking among men. Cursing his genetics once again, Severus turned on his side and stared at the shadowy wall next to the bed.

If only he was better looking... if only he looked like James Potter who, despite his glasses and annoying hair, had always seemed so popular with the girls... or like Regulus Black with his dark grey eyes and high cheekbones... or anyone else really, anyone even moderately good-looking... then, maybe it wouldn't be quite so unthinkable to kiss her...

He didn't realise he had fallen asleep, but at some point the grey wallpaper dissolved into dream.

 _He was walking along cobblestone streets, reached out to open a door... he heard a skeletal rattle above him... the Voodoo Skeleton was full of people; everybody was whispering, the sound making his head hurt. Acquaintances, old classmates, they were all there. Morland and Horton stared at him from a nearby table; Rookwood was mixing cocktails behind the bar, the glasses full of shrivelled fingers and hair; Professor Slughorn was wearing a nightcap and long dress-like pyjamas and he was mischievously kissing Lydia Roebuck's cheek. A heavily pregnant Lucius Malfoy with his blood-shot eyes was drinking blood from a goblet. Professor Dumbledore was waltzing melancholically with Bartemius Crouch in front of the fireplace. Regulus was hurling into the ribcage umbrella stand, his handsome face set in a nauseous grimace... but Severus's eyes wandered along the crowd..._

 _And finally he found what he was looking for: in the centre of the room sat Lily on one of the bone chairs, like a goddess on her throne. She was naked. Her legs crossed, her body perfect and flawless, she nursed her drink as though not even aware of her nudity. When Severus approached, she lifted her gaze from the drink. She straightened her back and gave him a haughty look._

" _ **A soul walks through Death's Door, to request life anew, and shall be granted, if deemed worthy, body and soul renewed,"** she cited ceremoniously. _

" _How do you know that sentence?" Severus asked her. "How can you possibly know it?"_

" _ **Everybody** knows, Severus, **everybody,** " Lily gestured at the crowd behind herself. She leaned forwards and smiled coldly. "But surely you've heard?"_

" _I haven't," Severus objected. "I have no idea!"_

" _Let's not spoil the surprise, then," said Lily, leaning back in the bone chair and sipping her drink._

" _Tell me," Severus begged her. "Tell me what it means! Please!"_

" _Severuss..." Lily hissed like a snake. "The Death's Door is of utmost interest and importance to me..."_

" _I don't understand you," Severus said to her. "I don't know what you want from me, Lily! Please tell me! What do you want?"_

 _Lily smiled scornfully._

" _Your body disgusts me, Severus," she spat. "Perhaps I would not have found you quite so repulsive had I seen you in your younger days..."_

" _You did! You did see me -"_

" _Newsflash: she doesn't want **you** , Snivellus," James Potter's hateful, stretching voice said behind Severus. Potter passed him and walked slowly, haughtily, over to Lily and plopped down on the armrest of the bone chair. Grinning, he mussed up his hair and then leaned over her to give her mouth a wet kiss. Lily looked up at him with adoring eyes, clutched at his messy strands, pulling him closer. Goddess turned to flesh._

" _Do you see, Snivellus?" Potter muttered feverishly against her lips. "Do you finally see? I used to be so handsome, as handsome as Regulus and his bloodtraitor brother are... perhaps even handsomer... yes, it opened many doors for me... had you only seen me in my younger days..."_

" _You're so handsome, James..." Lily moaned against Potter's lips, echoing his words."As handsome as Regulus and his bloodtraitor brother, perhaps even handsomer... you are of utmost interest and importance to me..."_

" _Get out, Potter!" Severus yelled at Potter, shaking from rage. He wanted to curse the man, to tear him apart, but he realised he couldn't move an inch. "Stop it! Get your hands off her!"_

" _But we only have seconds," Potter hummed, and kissed Lily again. He whispered against her lips. "Only seconds before annihilation..."_

" _Forget about Snivellus, love," Lily muttered against Potter's lips, guiding his hand between her now parted legs, where she was pink and glistening with lust. "He's disgusting_. _Just a necessary evil. That's who he **really** is..."_

Severus woke up in cold sweat. His left arm was prickling painfully; it had gone numb under him, and now felt rather like a limp glove filled with tiny needles. The Mark prickled uncomfortably as he sat up to stretch his fingers, trying to get the blood flowing again. The room around him was pale grey; morning was approaching – he let his gaze wander over the familiar furniture, trying to get over the disgusting nightmare. It was very cold. The house was still completely silent. He lowered himself back to his pillows, his mind still on the nightmare he had seen. It seemed to still linger, filling the dust-hued early morning with bad foreboding. His insides ached with repulsion as he thought of the things that nightmare-Lily and nightmare-Potter had said.

And then, though Severus had searched from his nightmare no meaning other than perhaps his continuing loathing towards Potter, the realisation abruptly hit him. He let out a surprised gasp which went unheard in the emptiness of the room, and shot up in the bed, his mouth hanging open. His heartbeat sped up so quickly the prickling sensation in his arm ceased for good.

He _knew_ what the Dark Lord wanted. Of course - of course!

 _A soul walks through Death's Door, to request life anew, and shall be granted, if deemed worthy, body and soul renewed._

How had he not seen it before?

His _body_. His young, healthy, handsome body; something which had once been of great use for him, had opened so many doors to him... something which had wasted away like a decaying corpse when he had dabbled with dangerous, unstable magic... _that_ was what he wanted. Didn't everyone?

Hardly expected to be satisfied with the wasted, disfigured body where his mangled soul now resided in, the Dark Lord surely searched for the opportunity to get back the handsome body of his youth. The more Severus thought of it the more sense it made. While the Dark Lord's looks were certainly frightening, they also brought to mind something dead, something that reminded their on-looker of death and decay. Would someone who wished to live forever want to look like that? No, Severus thought. Of course not. The Dark Lord had once had something the whole world valued, and he had lost it.

Soon after this startling realisation Severus also realised something else. The inscription on the Death's Door whispered an intriguing promise of a new body but it also promised a new soul... could it also be possible for someone who had split his soul to regain the missing parts, to have a full, intact soul again? While keeping the split parts of the original soul secure?

Yes, it was suddenly perfectly clear why the Chamber of Death interested the Dark Lord so much. Severus's heart was pounding - he felt rather like he had taken a step in the dark, only to stumble into a chest full of treasure.


	28. Nothing's going to happen

A thousand apologies for the way overdue update! I generated some sort of a mental block with this chapter and had to re-write it 13 (!) times before I got it where I wanted it to go.

 **I'm really thankful and humbled by the reviews and support I've gotten, especially within the last few weeks.** I honestly think I might have given up if not for those reviews, because they reminded me that somebody actually is still reading this and expecting me to continue! I wish I could reply to the few 'guests' that commented - thank you for reviewing! And for those of you who have told me they have saved this fic to their browser and check back weekly – I really recommend you register here, then you can use the e-mail alert feature, which is the bomb.

I hope you enjoy this chapter! Luckily I have written a few upcoming chapters while I've been chewing this one, so I can promise it won't take this long for me to update next time!

 **Happened before:** drunk Regulus wound up in Spinner's End for the night, after telling Severus about Horcruxes.

""

 _Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee._

J.R. Ward

""

There it was, finally. Not the answer, but the question. How could the Arch help the Dark Lord in his heart's desire? How could he reclaim the body of his youth and an intact soul? Was all he needed to do just walk through the veil? But then why had nobody ever come back out again when they had gone through?

Hadn't they simply been worthy enough?

It had started raining again, and the sound of bulleting rain assaulting the roof tiles was the only sound in the whole house. Severus laid in bed and stared at the pockmarked ceiling, thinking feverishly. His head was throbbing, his mind was in utter disarray, the nightmare and reality blending together. Downstairs, the grandfather clock struck once for half five.

And then, suddenly, the ward bell went off.

Severus shot up in bed. His first, groggy thought was that the factory committee man had returned with his pink brochures, until he realised that it couldn't be – it was the early morning hours, whomever was intruding was not there to do sales – and cold sweat rose to his forehead.

The feral owl was making racket downstairs; its screeching rang loud even over the sound of the ward bell, which was ringing in full fervour. Severus was already at the door, his wand in his hand, his body trembling with a sudden spike of adrenaline. He ran into Lily in the corridor. Her face was white with fear. Downstairs, the owl continued screeching.

"Get back inside and take Potter's wand!" Severus hissed at Lily. When she did not instantly move, he grabbed her by the arm and pushed her roughly into the bedroom, not minding Lily's surprised gasp. He yanked the door shut and pointed his wand at it.

 _Colloportus!_

There was a faint squelching noise. Lily was sealed inside the room, and Severus strode to the stairway, skipping two steps at a time on his way down.

" _Petrify!"_ a woman's voice shrieked, and the screeching of the owl ended abruptly.

Cold sweat rose to Severus's forehead. He had recognised that voice. And so, when he crossed the hall and appeared to the sitting room doorway, he already knew whom he would see in his house.

There, in the middle of Severus's sitting room, stood Bellatrix Lestrange, still wearing the dark robes and leather corset she had been wearing earlier that evening, as though she had not even seen her bed that night. She was in the middle of turning over the Petrified owl with her foot. Behind her, for a split second, the fireplace still gleamed with green flames, until the flames went out, leaving behind only a few red embers from last night's fire, and the room was cast in darkness again. Only Bellatrix's wild-haired silhouette was visible against the bookcases.

Severus pointed his wand towards the kitchen and the ward bell went silent; Bellatrix's head snapped up. She left the owl alone and straightened herself. Severus turned on the light and both he and Bellatrix blinked in the sudden brightness. Bellatrix sneered when Severus turned his wand towards her. His heart was hammering in terror.

Was she here because of Lily? Did Bellatrix know? Did the _Dark Lord_ know?

"What the _hell_ are you doing here?" Severus snapped, preparing to duel her.

But before Bellatrix could answer, the ward bell started ringing for the second time, and Severus jumped; as did Bellatrix, by the look of surprise and displeasure spreading on her face. A moment later, green flames burst into the fireplace behind Bellatrix yet again, and Narcissa Malfoy appeared into the frames of the fireplace. She was wearing a deep blue travelling cloak over what appeared to be a dressing gown, and silk slippers. She looked just as exhausted, if not more so, than when Severus had seen her earlier that day.

Bellatrix didn't seem happy to see her; she let out an impatient scoff upon seeing Narcissa, although she lowered her wand. Severus stared at the two women, utterly confused. He had a sneaking suspicion that his house wasn't under attack after all. Or at least he could not imagine what tactical advantage would sending Narcissa Malfoy bring to such a scenario.

"I told you not to come, Bella!" Narcissa said anxiously, shaking ash off her travelling cloak. She looked at Severus and shouted over the loud ringing of the bell. "I'm so sorry, Severus – really, please accept my sincere apologies on behalf of my sister, I told her to stay put, it's none of our business -"

She nearly tripped on the Petrified owl on the floor as she scrambled out of the fireplace, and seemed to forget what she was about to say as she frowned at the odd-looking animal lying on the rug, its wings frozen in mid-flight.

"What -," Severus asked in a forcedly calm tone, waving at his wand for the second time to shut up the ward bell. "- In _Merlin's name_ is going on?"

Bellatrix paid him no attention.

"' _None of our business'_?" Bellatrix scoffed at her sister, turning her back on Severus as though he was air. "'None of our business', Cissy? Look around yourself!" She waved contemptuously around the sitting room – at the TV, at the floor lamp standing in the corner. Narcissa's gaze followed her hand. "Look at this Muggle dump! And you say it's none of our business?"

She strutted over to the window and cracked open the curtain to peer out into the dim yard, where water dripped against the muddy ground and the metal gate groaned in the strong wind. Taking in the tagged wall of Severus's neighbour and the few cars lining the street, she let out another scoff and yanked the curtain back over the window.

"It's a disgrace! Only vermin live like this!"

The word 'vermin' apparently finally reminding her of Severus's presence, she whirled around, her heavy robes rustling. Her eyes gleamed malevolently as she assessed Severus, who was eyeing her in dislike, his wand still in hand.

"You. Severus _Snape,"_ she spat the name like a curse word. "The Dark Lord's new favourite, pure-blood by his very own guarantee, living in a Muggle hovel like this? I don't think so! I have told my Lord over and over again, and shall tell him yet again, until he listens - if I have to drag him all the way _here_ to see -"

Behind her, Narcissa looked very embarrassed.

"If you have a problem with my house," Severus sneered. "I invite you to get the hell out of it, Bellatrix!"

"Come on, Bella, we've trespassed enough," Narcissa grabbed her sister by the arm and tried to drag her towards the fireplace, but Bellatrix shook her off. "Bella!"

"I came to get him, and I'm not leaving here without him!" Bellatrix said, her eyes glinting as she stared at Severus.

"I'm not leaving _anywhere_ with you," Severus said, clutching his wand tighter.

"Not _you_ , you imbecile!" Bellatrix sneered. "My cousin! Where is he? Surely there can't be many places in this miserable little shack for him to hide?"

And she tried to rush past Severus, craning her neck to see over his shoulder, as though perhaps expecting to see Regulus crouching behind his back. But Severus slammed his arm across the doorway in front of her, blocking her way into the hall. Bellatrix's eyes darted up to his. They were still blood-shot from the Dark Lord's Crucio.

"Did I invite you to take a tour of the house?" Severus asked softly, looking down at the sneering woman. "If I didn't, I recommend you stay put, Bellatrix."

Bellatrix glanced at his wand, which was pointed towards her ribs, and narrowed her eyes. Her wand had appeared back into her hand and Severus likewise measured it with his gaze. Bellatrix's gaze was cold, calculating.

Severus's heart hammered in his chest as he prepared for sudden movement, for any tell-tale signs that Bellatrix intended to curse him... their eyes bore into one another...

"Let's all just calm down, shall we?" Narcissa said in a quivering voice, raising her hands. Bellatrix blinked and eye contact was broken. Narcissa sighed, "Severus, I'm so sorry about this terribly impolite disturbance, but is Regulus here? His mother owled us early tonight – he did not come home. And Lucius said he last saw him with you... Bella – er – insisted to come and see for herself if he's here. I'm sorry for the late -"

"He is of the Black family," Bellatrix breathed at Severus, ignoring her sister, whose voice trailed. "Do you know what that means? It means that not a _drop_ of non-magical blood is running in his veins! His blood is as pure as can be! It means it is a disgrace for him to be associated with somebody as low-caste, as _filthy-blooded_ as yourself!" She nearly shouted the last words at Severus in her excited fervour.

"As you yourself said, Bellatrix," Severus said softly. "My blood has been guaranteed by the Dark Lord himself. Do you dare question your Master?"

Bellatrix looked at him with an expression that seemed to suggest she had just tasted something foul.

"I question _you_ , Snape!" She snapped, apparently choosing to not give a direct answer to his accusation. "One look at this hovel you call a home is an answer enough as to what is your true blood status! You _filth!"_

She spat on the floor in front of Severus.

"Bella!" Narcissa breathed, gripping the back of the armchair and looking scandalised. "That is _enough!_ "

Severus blushed under Bellatrix's burning gaze. Rising anger was scorching him from within. He wanted to curse Bellatrix into a smear of phlegm, and it was only with great difficulty that he managed to reign in his heart's desire. His eyes moved to Narcissa.

"I will gladly go and get your cousin, Narcissa," he said softly. "Had I known your sister to be such a keen babysitter, I never would have dreamed of bringing him here – not when Bellatrix kept the nursery in Lestrange Manor ready for him."

Bellatrix opened her mouth to retort something, or perhaps to send another glob of spit flying his way, but Narcissa hastily grabbed her, pulling her back to her side.

"Thank you, Severus," she said quickly. "We'll be waiting here. _Won't we_ , Bella?" There was a stern, meaningful edge to her voice as she addressed her sister, who scoffed contemptuously and did not look at Severus, but nevertheless let Narcissa frogmarch her to the sofa, where she was pulled firmly to Narcissa's side. She sat there, trapped under her sister's arm, giving Severus a sneer suggesting she was imagining in vivid detail what it would be like to dice him into tiny blood-soaked cubes.

Severus left the two sisters in the sitting room and headed to the tiny bedroom at the end of the corridor. On his way he passed the stairway and nervously peered up at the dark landing, thinking of Lily, afraid and trapped in her room. He looked behind himself but Bellatrix remained on the sofa, and did not presently seem inclined to rush up the stairs; she was busy listening to whatever the stern-looking Narcissa was whispering into her ear. Her expression was rather surly.

Severus was quite amazed that Regulus hadn't yet come out to see what the night time ruckus was all about, and wondered if the boy had really been so drunk that not even the ward bell had woken him up. But when he opened the door of the tiny downstairs bedroom, he saw that Regulus was sitting by the side of the bed, his hair all sticky-uppy, looking as though he had been wrenched out of bed against his will. The room smelled like old spirits and damp clothes. He cast a nervous look at Severus.

"As you might have heard, half of your family has shown up to claim you," Severus announced coolly.

"I heard," Regulus muttered.

"So you better go."

"I suppose," Regulus said, sounding reluctant. He glanced at Severus with an expression that didn't leave it in any way unclear he would have much rather stayed. They exchanged a look of dark understanding between them.

"I can't find my left sock," Regulus said, turning his gaze away and running a hand through his messy hair. He had drunk buttoned his robes.

Severus pointed his wand under the chair, and the muddy sock lying underneath it jumped up and fluttered on the bed. Looking embarrassed, Regulus pulled it to his foot, and got up.

"Well, then," he said, looking awkward. "Thank you for everything, Severus. It was -" he cast a glance at the open door and lowered his voice. "It was a real pleasure to sit down with someone as – er – _discreet_ as you." He looked nervous as he glanced at Severus to see whether his rather lame attempt at secret code had sunk in. Severus nodded silently. He had no desire to go blabbing about what Regulus had told him at the pub last night.

Regulus straightened himself, looking a little happier. He made a half-hearted effort to scratch a dried vomit stain off his robes, but then gave up. No further goodbyes were exchanged between the two of them. Severus stepped aside to let Regulus pass, then followed him silently. In the hall he sent a quick, silent _Obliviate_ to the boy's back. He took very little. Only those few moments in the pub when he himself had suggested that he regretted joining the Death Eaters. He couldn't risk anyone rummaging around the boy's head and running into that memory.

As Regulus entered the sitting room, Severus stopped in the doorway again, just in case Bellatrix tried to rush into the hall in some unpredictable fit of madness. But Bellatrix had moved to a half-lying position on the sofa, her head resting on her sister's shoulder; Narcissa was caressing her hair soothingly. Despite just a moment earlier having seemed so eager to remove her cousin from the place of filth and depravation that she considered Spinner's End to be, Bellatrix now didn't seem to be in any hurry to leave. She was staring at the fireplace, where the last embers of the evening popped meekly in shades of red and gold, and did not as much as look up when Regulus trudged into view.

"Regulus!" Narcissa said in a relieved voice, getting up (Bellatrix looked annoyed when she was pushed away). "Your mother was so worried about you – she wants you home straight away." Narcissa went over to Regulus and took his face into her hands. She smiled at him and rose on her tiptoes to kiss his high cheekbone. "I told her you were staying with us – thought it's best for everyone," Severus heard her whisper into his ear before turning away. Regulus hung his head, looking embarrassed. Narcissa gave him another smile.

"Let's go then, shall we, Regul -"

"Don't _I_ get a kiss, _dear_ cousin?" A sleek, mocking voice interrupted.

Regulus's head snapped up.

"After coming _all this way_ to get you..." Bellatrix tutted quietly from the sofa.

The atmosphere in the room had turned stiff; even Narcissa's smile seemed to have frozen a bit. Apparently oblivious to the suddenly uneasy atmosphere, Bellatrix turned her head to display a porcelain-coloured, sculpted cheekbone. Her eyes, looking over at the fireplace again, were glinting malevolently.

Regulus stood frozen, and for a moment Severus thought he would refuse the invitation, but then he trudged over with an air of utmost reluctance, and after a heartbeat's hesitation, bent his head to give Bellatrix's cheek a hasty kiss which probably did not touch her skin, withdrawing quickly. Severus couldn't help but feel disgust on Regulus's behalf. He knew Bellatrix was enjoying the situation immensely; she probably knew or guessed that Regulus was sore about what had happened to his brother. She withdrew back to the sofa and gave her cousin a smile that didn't reach her hooded eyes, which glinted just as coldly as ever.

"Let's take you back to bed, now, shall we?" Narcissa said, wrapping her arm around Regulus and leading him to the fireplace. She tried to smooth his messy hair on the way.

"Aren't you a sweet little mother hen tonight, Cissy," Bellatrix said mockingly from the sofa. "Practising?"

"Er... maybe it's better that you go directly to your mother's house." Narcissa said a little more brusquely to Regulus, glancing quickly at Bellatrix. Narcissa took out a silvery container from the depths of her cloak, and cast a handful of green powder into the fire. "The House of Black."

Regulus stepped into the flickering green, casting one last pleading glance at Severus, who guessed he was thinking of his mother's knob bat, but could do nothing but nod at the boy in goodbye. With an air of resignation, Regulus sighed and disappeared. Narcissa turned to look back over her shoulder.

"Bellatrix," Narcissa said warningly, because Bellatrix still lounged on the sofa, looking as though she intended to stay. Narcissa threw a handful of green powder into the fire and then set the silvery container on the sofa next to her sister. She climbed into the fireplace. "I'll go and escort Regulus home, but I expect to see you back home when I get back, Bella, because I want a word with you. House of Black." She directed the last words to her surroundings, and in another stern glance at her sister, and a flash of green, she was gone.

Severus turned his head towards the last remaining visitor. Bellatrix was still lying on the sofa, her eyes now fixed upon him. She had taken out her wand again and was twirling a lock of her long dark hair around it, an oddly calculating look on her face.

"Intending to stay, Bellatrix?" Severus asked quietly. "I thought you had had enough of this hovel... as you so elegantly called it..."

"In a hurry to get rid of me, Snape?" Bellatrix whispered, cocking her head. "I wonder... why?"

"As enjoyable as hosting you has been," Severus said sleekly, walking over to the fireplace; Bellatrix's dark eyes followed him. "It is still not even six o'clock in the morning. And so I would gladly return to my bed if you don't mind. _Alone_ , I'm afraid, Bellatrix _._ "

He couldn't help but smile mockingly at the look of anger and disgust spreading on Bellatrix's face as she caught the hint. Severus expected an angry retort but instead she just arranged her features into a dark smile, which died quickly.

"I shall leave you alone, then," she whispered. "For now..."

Bellatrix graciously slid up from the sofa, the silvery Floo powder container in her hand, and walked past him towards the fireplace. Severus waited tensely for her to disappear into the green flames after the rest of her kin. But instead she stopped abruptly. Severus frowned as she reached her hand towards something on the mantle piece.

"Oh, look..." she said softly.

She turned to him, a horrifying, knowing smile on her face, and raised her hand to show Severus what she had discovered from the mantle piece.

Severus's eyes darted to the small, black, rectangular object in her hand. His heart seemed to skip a beat. He suddenly knew that she had noticed the object a long time ago, and had simply been abiding the right time to bring it up.

"Why would little Snapey need a Dark Curio, hmm?" Bellatrix cocked her head and eyed him through heavy lids, still smiling. "Does he have something to hide? Something in that greasy head of his he wishes to keep secret? Something he'd rather -" she let out a low hiss when Severus grabbed her by the wrist.

Severus had bared his teeth, Bellatrix's smile had died and she was now staring at him with clear distrust and loathing. She had closed the hand Severus had grabbed into a fist. The Curio was still in her clutches. Two pairs of dark eyes narrowed, measured one another.

Then, suddenly, Bellatrix tried to push into his mind, violently and urgently and painfully. Severus's eyes widened.

The steady throbbing in his head - leftover from the lack of sleep and his nightmare - instantly turned into a pounding headache as she did her best to slice his defences out of the way, to force her way in. But he resisted. There was a cold sheen on Bellatrix's forehead, and for a moment they were locked in silent battle, invisible to the eye.

Finally she withdrew. For a moment they both stood there, their eyes still locked, breathing heavily.

"Oh, very good," Bellatrix whispered, catching her breath. Her eyes gleamed darkly. "Very, very good. So it's not just a decoration after all... little Snapey _does_ know a thing or two about Occlumency..."

Severus slowly let go of her wrist.

"I need it for work," Severus said very, very softly. "Now, kindly put it back, will you, Bellatrix. We musn't touch what isn't ours."

Bellatrix's eyes narrowed. Severus forced his expression to remain impassive, though his heart was beating rage into his veins.

"We don't want to keep your sister waiting, do we?"

For another moment they gazed at each other. Then Bellatrix pressed the Curio onto his palm, before climbing into the fireplace.

"Malfoy Manor," she said as she threw a handful of Floo powder onto the red embers, which sprouted green flames once more. Then, with one last contemptuous glance at her surroundings, she was gone. When she disappeared, the spell binding the owl vanished and it let out a screech, before flying on top of a bookcase.

Severus took a deep breath to calm his racing heart.

Bellatrix would be watching him like a hawk now. Had she ever suspected him of hoodwinking, there was no doubt her suspicions had only grown now that she knew he was capable of Occlumency. Severus frowned as he stared at the dying embers. Still, Bellatrix had a lot of faith in her dear Master. Surely not even she truly imagined him to be capable of hoodwinking the Dark Lord?

But still, she was so unpredictable...

Severus pondered about the matter for several minutes, before remembering Lily. He turned on his heel and climbed upstairs. He found Lily sitting on the divan in her bedroom, looking very pale. The lone candle on the bedside table was on, the only light in the otherwise dim bedroom. Potter's wand was next to her on the divan, on top of some pink lacy garment, and when Severus entered, her hand nudged towards it as though by instinct. When she saw it was only him, she crossed her hands in her lap. She stared at him anxiously.

"They're gone," Severus said quietly. "All of them."

"It was _her_ , wasn't it?" Lily asked in a trembling voice.

Knowing whom she meant, Severus nodded. Lily appeared nauseous.

"How did she get in?" She asked quietly.

"Floo network," Severus admitted in embarrassment. He avoided her eyes. "I... forgot about it."

Lily turned to stare at the fireplace in the corner of the room, and Severus knew she was imagining green flames bursting into its dark mouth. She shivered as though the temperature in the room had dropped abruptly.

"I'll go and remove the house from the network first thing today," Severus promised regretfully. "I... I'm sorry. I should have thought of it. I never get visitors, so..." his voice trailed.

"I don't want to sleep alone," Lily said suddenly. She turned her almond-shaped eyes towards him. "Will you stay with me?"

"I – what?" Severus asked, for a moment thinking he had heard her wrong. Lily shifted uncomfortably, smoothed the hem of her dressing gown.

"Do you mind sleeping here with me?" She asked quietly. She shifted again. "I mean... I know it's quite early and it will only be a few hours before you're leaving anyway..."

Severus suddenly felt as though the temperature in the room had increased by about a thousand degrees, and he could not understand how Lily still seemed to be shivering.

"Sure," he heard himself saying, as though somebody else had spoken with his mouth. "If that makes you feel better."

After a moment's hesitation, Lily nodded. She did not look at him when she got up and walked over to the bed. She took off her dressing gown before slipping under the covers next to the wall, and Severus kept his eyes strictly on the divan, but his imagination filled in what he could not see, and he vividly saw her wearing one of those lacy, racy things he had seen on the divan. His head was suddenly empty, and the headache disappeared without a trace, driven away by his quickened blood circulation probably, though it seemed as though most of the blood was fast slipping _away_ from his head.

"Are you coming?" Lily asked quietly, her voice returning Severus back to earth.

He approached the bed cautiously. After a moment's vacillation about whether or not to keep his dressing gown on, he climbed into the bed with it still on (seeing as how he was wearing nothing but boxers underneath) and tried not to look at Lily when he laid down next to her. He felt like he had gone back in time to six years ago – when they had become too old to sleep right next to each other, but she had still continued to invite him in; when he had laid on top of the comforter stiffly and felt equal parts offended that she no longer wanted to snuggle against him for warmth, and equal parts relieved that he did not need to lay right next to her out of fear his pubescent body would react in unexpected ways. He was prepared to remain on the comforter, but to his surprise, Lily pushed it aside and gave him an odd look.

"Aren't you cold?"

In truth, Severus certainly wasn't cold, but he slipped under the comforter anyway, and then laid stiffly in place, his heart hammering even quicker than when he had seen Bellatrix standing in the middle of his sitting room, and he imagined feeling Lily's body burning in some sort of incomprehensible heat next to him. He was uncomfortably hot, the comforter and the bathrobe wrapped around him like a shroud.

"What's that?" Lily asked suddenly. Severus blinked and glanced at his lap in panic – just in case – but then realised Lily was referring to the Curio, still clutched in a death grip in his hand on top of the comforter. Lily took it from his hand and Severus dared to glance at her. She was examining it, a strange, blank look spreading on her face.

"It's a Dark Curio," Severus said, taking it from her and covering it with his hand. Lily blinked. "It's meant to intrigue it's viewer - it's used to practice Occlumency. You need to be careful with it though. It's categorised as a Dark object because it might lull you into eternal hypnosis if you look at it too long, without knowing how to shut your mind. Unless you set up an alarm, of course." He opened his hand and Lily's eyes went strangely blank again when the Curio came into her view. He closed his fist again, and Lily blinked and turned to look at him.

"Why do you have it?" Lily asked.

"I need Occlumency at work," Severus said. "And it's a handy little skill to have. Especially... now." He glanced at her quickly but deciding not to confide in her about the Dark Lord out of fear of seeing the familiar look of disgust in her eyes, he turned his gaze away. "You should sleep," he said quickly.

Lily stared at his closed fist for a very long time without saying anything. Severus turned to position the Curio on the bedside table, before blowing the flame from the candle. He returned to the pillows and stared up at the ceiling, feeling as though the room somehow shrunk in the blue-hued darkness.

Lily moved next to him, just a little, but he was so hyper-attuned to her body that it felt as though she had shaken the entire bed. Severus swallowed. Behind the window, rain bulleted against the side of the house in a sudden spasm, and wind howled through the chimney. Other than that, it was quiet.

"The weather has been so horrible lately," Lily whispered, her soft voice coming from somewhere very close to Severus. "It feels like late October, doesn't it? It must be the Dementors..." her voice trailed.

Severus smiled a little, experiencing another case of déjà vu.

"Are you still afraid of them?"

"Dementors?" Lily asked quietly. She was quiet for a moment, and did not sound entirely convincing when she finally said, "No."

"I saw a few yesterday," Severus said. "They looked just as nasty as they do in the photos..."

"Really? Where?" Lily sounded shocked, then intrigued.

"At the Ministry. They were escorting the Minister away. The former one, I mean."

"And did it _feel_ -" Lily's tone was equal parts awe and fear.

"No," Severus said, quite enjoying her impressed attention. "There were Patronuses keeping them in check. Only the Minister was affected. She was crying and looked ready to vomit..."

Lily shifted again, and Severus did not dare to look at her to see whether she had moved closer or further. For a long while the only sound in the room was the rain and the howling wind, and Severus thought Lily had already fallen asleep, when she finally spoke again.

"D' you think it's very important? To learn about the Patronuses, I mean? To know whether they can see or not..."

Severus frowned. He turned on his side to look at Lily. Her face was white in the dim light, and very close to his. Severus stared at her for a moment, realising she was so close he could have pressed his lips on hers without effort, and nearly forgot what they had been talking about. But then he remembered, and frowned again.

"Not necessarily," he said finally. "It's just this preoccupation that I have... I feel like..." he was silent for a moment. His eyes moved from Lily's eyes to her hair. He shook his head. "I feel like Dumbledore is hiding something. He saw me yesterday in the Ministry. I expected him to confront me, but he didn't. He just gave me this weird look..."

"Dumbledore doesn't confront Death Eaters," Lily said, looking restless. "And neither does the Order. We do know a few of you by name – Dumbledore has ears everywhere. We heard Regulus had joined, for instance. But it wouldn't do to just go barging in, accusing people..."

"Yes, but I would bet my right arm that he doesn't just collect that information for his own amusement; he must intend to use it somehow..."

Lily stared at him with a thoughtful look on her face. Severus eyed her back silently. Outside, the bulleting spasms of rain had turned into a steady, throbbing rain which plummeted against the roof tiles.

"I'll study about them, then," Lily said finally. "Patronuses. When I get my wand back, I'm going to cast one." She nodded decisively.

They both jumped a little when a gush of strong wind sent a tile spiralling off the roof, and it chipped off a piece of the windowsill with it. Lily, who had darted up to her elbows, lowered herself back to the mattress, looking pale.

"I don't think I can sleep," she said nervously. She glanced at the fireplace in the corner again. "I haven't slept all night. I keep expecting something bad to happen again. And then _she_ shows up here - as though I don't see nightmares about her already..."

" _Nothing's_ going to happen," Severus promised firmly, cursing Bellatrix Lestrange in his head. He felt chills down his back when he thought of what might have happened had Bellatrix appeared into the house when he had been away, had she come just a few hours later when he was at work... had she come face to face with Lily, who was practically wandless... Severus had to physically shake his head to get the nightmarish vision of coming home to find Lily dead on the sitting room floor off his head. "I promise she's never coming back here again."

"How?"

"I'll think of something," Severus said. "Just trust me."

Lily eyed him silently for a moment, before she nodded shortly. "All right."

Still, she turned her eyes back towards the dark fireplace.

"Wait - I know," Severus said and took his wand from the bedside table. He pointed it towards the fireplace. _"Obstructo."_

There was a soft plopping sound in the chimney, as though a cork had been put into place. The sound of the wind and rain became slightly more muffled. Severus then locked the bedroom door, before putting his wand away and turning back to Lily. "Better?"

Lily looked a little happier and snuggled deeper into the covers, so that only a sliver of her face was visible between the pillow and the comforter. She nodded.

"Try and get some sleep, Lily," Severus said gently. "I think you need it."

"I'm not the only one," Lily muttered, surveying him through her lashes. "You were sick last weekend. You if anyone should be sleeping. You still look a little ill."

"I wasn't _sick_ ," Severus couldn't help but scoff. He absent-mindedly tried his neck, where the scar Potter had given him was visible over the collar of the dressing gown, and tried to pull the garment over it. Lily noticed this.

"Is it still hurting?"

"No."

"Can I see?"

After a moment's hesitation, Severus reluctantly loosened his hold on the dressing gown and turned his head so that Lily could see the scar better. He felt uncomfortable when Lily shook the comforter off herself (she was wearing something which revealed her shoulders, and had dark straps, Severus noted with interest) moved closer and stared at the offensive, ugly mark, and reached her hand out to touch it. Her fingers trailed the length of the scar and with a mingling sense of shame and arousal, Severus decidedly stared at the ceiling. He fought against the abrupt, mad desire to grab Lily and pin her against the mattress with his body, to yank her thighs apart and press his throbbing cock against her knickers.

"It doesn't look bad," Lily said. "It's very clean-looking, actually – like a knife wound. Straight and narrow. That healing spell you did – what was it? ' _Vulnera Sanentur'?_ \- was pretty effective. It might take the scar a few months to turn white, but it won't leave a keloid."

Severus nodded quietly. Lily withdrew her hand. She remained close, so close that Severus faintly felt her breath on his cheek.

"Severus..." Lily said quietly, and Severus's heart started beating faster at the sound of his own name on her lips.

"Yes?" He whispered a little hoarsely, glancing at her nervously.

Lily was quiet for a moment. She snuggled back into the covers and looked away.

"Have you ever killed anyone? Someone else besides Mulciber and Avery, I mean?"

She sounded nervous. Severus stiffened. His ridiculous fantasies evaporated instantaneously. He turned on his back and stared at the ceiling.

"No," he said curly.

Lily moved a little, whether further or closer, Severus couldn't tell.

"And James?" She asked, and now her voice was very nervous. "Why did you try and curse him? That's what you were trying to do, weren't you?"

Severus could tell that she was holding her breath. He narrowed his eyes at the ceiling. He did not want to discuss or even as much as think of James Potter when Lily was lying in bed next to him, nor did he want to hear the cosy way she now called him by his first name when before he had always been 'bloody Potter'. His disgusting nightmare floated in his mind again, the helplessness he had felt in the dream as he had seen Potter kiss and grope Lily without being able to move a muscle, the eager way she had surrendered to him... perhaps just as eagerly as she had in real life...

"You don't have to worry about your precious Potter," Severus said finally, quite bitterly, his mind stuck in a disgusting vision of Potter mounting the eagerly writhing Lily. "It was just a... moment's madness. I couldn't do him in if I tried."

Lily was quiet for another moment, and Severus could feel her eyes boring to the side of his face.

"What do you mean? Do you mean you've, um, forgiven him?"

"No," Severus snapped, a little rougher than he had intended. "No, I won't ever _forgive_ Potter."

"I don't understand, then."

"I don't want to talk about it," Severus said, turning his head away, towards the window, where pale morning rays were sneaking in through the dusty curtain.

"Please?" Lily asked quietly. "I'm trying to... I'm just trying to understand you."

Severus was quiet for a long while. He felt Lily move again, and he could feel the nervousness radiating from her. He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

"I am unable to kill Potter because years ago, he did something which left me in his debt," Severus muttered stiffly, letting his hands fall back on the comforter. "And until that debt is repaid I am unable to kill him."

"What do you mean? What did he do, then?" Lily whispered.

"Years ago Black planned an amusing little prank, which, had it succeeded, would have led me to my death, but to save his own skin, along with his mates', Potter came to my aid," Severus said through tight lips. "Because of his cowardice, a magical bond was – apparently – born between us. One that would prevent me from finishing him off even if we were duelling with the intention to kill. I can assure you this bond is not voluntary by any means. Nor did I even know or guess of its existence before last weekend..."

There was a short, stunned silence.

"You don't – you don't mean that time he saved you from the Shrieking Shack, do you?" Lily asked, her tone a mingling of shock, incredulity and exhaustion.

"I wouldn't call it _saving_ ," said Severus, grimacing. "And he certainly didn't do it on my account. He did it to save Black and Lupin from certain expulsion and trial -"

"What's Remus got to do with this?" Lily asked quickly.

Severus gave a heaving sigh.

"Never mind," he muttered, turning eyes back towards the ceiling. He could see Lily out of the corner of his eye; her eyes were fixed upon him. "The point is, this sort of magic is unpredictable and hard to define. Potter didn't come to my aid because he cared the slightest bit whether I live or die, but whatever his reasons were, the act dictated that a magical bond of obligation was born that moment. One that can't be broken except through his death, or through repayment."

"So... you mean you really _would_ have killed him?" Lily whispered, sounding terrified. "If not for this debt?"

"I don't know," Severus muttered after a very long, pregnant pause, during which he could hear Lily holding her breath. "At the moment when I could have done it... I didn't want to. But like I said, it's very unpredictable sort of magic... maybe that _was_ the magic..."

He closed his eyes to escape from Lily's staring. He felt his face grow warm and a cocktail of emotions stirring within himself; a sense of failure, and relief, and embarrassment for having to admit all this to Lily.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he suddenly felt Lily's hand on his cheek. His eyes shot open and he turned to look at her. Lily was leaning against her elbow, and her beautiful eyes were solemn as they gazed down at him. A lock of her hair had fallen against his neck, where it tickled his bare skin softly. Her hand was warm on his cheek as she softly smoothed his cheekbone with her thumb.

"I'm glad," Lily said firmly. "I'm _so_ glad you didn't kill him, Severus. I'm glad that you haven't turned that way."

He flushed under her intense gaze, but before he had the time to get over his shock, Lily withdrew her hand and pressed her head back on the pillow.

"Good night, Severus," she said softly, closing her eyes.

"Good night, Lily," Severus said after a moment's stunned silence. Lily's eyelids fluttered, but she said nothing more. Perhaps she was already asleep.

He watched her for a long time after, restlessly, his heart swelling with emotions so strong they frightened him.

""

Severus woke up before eight to the sound of two owls carrying Daily Prophets tapping at the window, and was forced out of bed to let them in. The sky outside had brightened to a cloudy white while they had slept. Lily was still asleep. She shivered when cold draft blew in through the window as Severus closed it, and he put his own comforter over her, stopping to brush a lone red lock of hair off her cheek. She sighed sweetly, and Severus felt oddly giddy and gentle as he backed away from the bedroom, shutting the door behind himself. After a quick shower (a freezing cold one, to get rid of certain physiological issues he had no time to get rid of by any other means), he headed downstairs. While he had laid awake in the early morning hours, his mind full of hazy, rose-tinted fantasies about Lily, his subconscious had worked on another problem entirely, and he now went to take out a quill and a piece of parchment, sitting down by the kitchen table to pen a letter.

 _Dear Narcissa,_

 _It is with a heavy heart and great worry over your sister's health that I am writing you. Last night after your departure she accused me of some unfounded, nasty things – which I shall not disclose here to save you from further embarrassment – and her general unstable behaviour led me to worry that the Dark Lord's recent punishments might have shaken her mental health._

 _Your sister seems to be under the delusion that I am trying to come between her and the Dark Lord, and I believe this jealousy to be the root of her sudden distrust towards me. I deeply fear that should she not shake these unfounded delusions out of her head, and continues to harass the Dark Lord about them, she will face his displeasure again. Knowing how deeply you care about her well-being, I implore you – to the best of your ability – to try and make her see reason, and shield her from any unnecessary excitement for the time being. I have heard great things about a Potion called CalmBrew which might do the trick if all else fails._

 _However, being aware of her propensity to violence towards even closer acquaintances as myself, I wish, for my own safety, that you would keep me updated if it comes to your attention that she is plotting anything involving myself. I advise you not to mention this letter to her, as that might only further feed her delusions._

 _I also wish to disclose here that to prevent her from entering my dwellings again I have removed my house from the Floo network for the time being. I have done this for my own safety as well as for hers._

 _Yours, most sincerely,_

 _Severus Snape_

After reeling the reluctant owl off the bookcase, Severus sent it off with the letter and then headed straight to the Ministry. After quickly popping in the Department of Transportation to remove his house from the Floo network, Severus made his way to the Chamber of Death, feeling a certain quiet excitement upon entering which he hadn't felt in a long time.

The Arch awaited him, the chamber was full of quiet whispers, and the veil fluttered like it always did, but for the first time in a long while, he felt some measure of hope as he rolled up his sleeves and kneeled by the Arch's side. The chamber was full of books; during the months he had worked there, Severus had hoarded half of the library's contents to himself, having grown tired of moving between floors every time he needed to check something. It felt as though the Arch was excited too, because the whispering seemed louder than usual, the pull of the veil even harder to resist than usual.

"Today," Severus murmured determinedly to the stone, running his palm over the jagged stones, his quiet voice echoing in the empty chamber. "Today you will reveal to me your secrets."

The whispering exploded.

 _Severus..._ something inside the Arch moaned in a blurred, frightening whisper, making his skin crawl and the little hairs on his arms stand up. _Severus... Severus... come closer... Se -_

Severus jumped back, nearly tripping on the uneven stone floor in his haste to get away. He stared at the moving veil. Behind it, for just a second, he imagined seeing a blurred, skeletally thin human shape. He paled, and quickly averted his eyes – when he looked back it was gone. Had he just imagined it?

It took him a long time to calm his mind enough to work again, and even then, he couldn't help but periodically glance at the veil, behind which he now only saw the dark stone wall of the chamber, only slightly blurred through the spider web-like fabric. When he turned his head away, he felt as though somebody was still watching him through the silently fluttering veil. He did not touch the Arch again.

But the Arch did not reveal its secrets to him. When he finally gave up for the day to go home, darkness had already fallen over Cokeworth. It was still raining, and the trees by the river rustled softly in the strong wind as he Apparated to the door of his house. Lily was in the sitting room, lying on the sofa with a book in her lap, her legs swung over the back of the sofa, a look of concentration on her face. The room was lit with the blinking light of the TV, which was muted. Lily was practising something resembling a wand movement with a stray quill, but when he entered the room she set the book aside and got up to a sitting position. Severus noticed the title _Patron to a Patronus_ on the book cover.

"You came late," Lily remarked, frowning at him. Then she bit her lip and said, a little defensively, "I mean... not to sound nagging, but it's past nine... I was a little worried..."

"Something came up at work," Severus said vaguely, pushing his hands into his pockets.

"You got a letter," Lily said, nodding at an envelope on the side table, on top of which his name was written in spiralling green letters. Severus tore open the letter and felt Lily's eyes on him when he read Narcissa's reply, where she expressed her deep gratitude for Severus's concern and promised to keep Bellatrix, who had apparently had similar problems with her "sensitive and passionate" temper in the past, far away from him and Spinner's End. Severus smiled wryly and pushed the letter into his pocket.

His failure with the Arch was still weighing heavily on his mind and he did not feel particularly sociable, but Lily huddled on the sofa and looked at him with such imploring eyes that he sat down in the armchair and, remembering he was her only social contact of the day, dutifully asked her how her day had been.

Lily grimaced.

"Well, I've had a _very_ educational day," she said, shaking her red hair over her shoulder and lifting her fingers to calculate. Lily scrunched her face as though she was trying to think very hard, "Firstly, I learned that day time telly is the worst," she lowered a finger, "- secondly, I learned that conjuring up a Patronus is really difficult, -" she lowered another finger, " - and thirdly, I learned that it's even harder to conjure one when you're trying to use a quill to do it - " third finger went down, "- and fourth, I learned that your next door neighbour is moving." Her hand fell to her side and she cast a look of dull desperation at Severus, before huffing, "I feel absolutely bloody _useless_."

Severus thought of the Arch and the Dark Lord and the churning feeling in his stomach which reminded him that his days were numbered if he did not come up with some sort of a solution. As he looked at Lily he suddenly fervently wished he could tell her about his predicament. But even as he pondered this, the Langlock stiffened his tongue. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"I know precisely how you feel," he muttered tiredly.

""

As the week progressed, Severus was getting seriously frustrated with the Arch. For a moment he had been so certain he had stepped closer to getting the Dark Lord what he wanted, but it turned out that knowing what he wanted was one thing, knowing how he could get it a whole other.

He remained at work so late on Wednesday that when he came home Lily had already shut herself in her room, and the house was so eerily dark and quiet that Severus had to cast a Revelio Charm to shake off the horrible feeling of coming home to an empty house. Relieved to find Lily asleep in her bed, Severus returned downstairs, where he was unable to fully relax or concentrate on his books all evening, and finally, when the grandfather clock under the stairs struck twelve, he trudged back upstairs and into bed, only to roll in his sheets until late at night, just as restless as before, before slipping into equally restless dreams where Potter jeered at him and blurred characters crawled out of the Arch. Somehow his head felt twice as heavy as usual when he woke up to a windy, bleak Thursday morning.

With all that had happened, Severus had completely forgotten that he had been invited – or coerced, as he rather bitterly thought – to go and help in the Shell chamber for the rest of the week, and so his mood did not improve much that Thursday. The experiments were a gruesome business. Severus had soon after starting at the Ministry come to the knowledge that the Shells were not the only things left behind after a Dementor's Kiss: also the separated souls were confiscated from the Dementors as part of the sentence and catalogued into another room in the Chamber of Death (although there were several reported cases where the Dementors had greedily slurped down a particularly succulent soul before anyone had had the time to react). Most of the Shells were destroyed soon after for taking so much space, but these souls remained, floating in their glass containers for all eternity.

So it had been a nasty shock to Severus when he had first participated in the experiments and realised that the souls were temporarily put into the remaining bodies and tested for things like "loss of sensation" (meaning they were tortured) and "coherence" (meaning that two souls were put into the same body). If the murderers and rapists that had been sentenced hadn't been barking mad when they had been sentenced, decades of boring, sensory-deprived existence in glass jars certainly had done the trick. And so, that week, Severus was not the least bit surprised when a particularly mad old wife killer broke away in the middle of examinations and bit him on his hand when Severus tried to hold him in place on the hospital bed.

 _Great, another scar,_ he thought darkly as he made his way to the health care to get some ointment. As he came back he ran into Shafiq, a dark-skinned older wizard who was also often called to take part in the experiments, who entered the health care looking even worse; he appeared to have misplaced half his ear since Severus had last seen him just a few minutes earlier.

"Lydia told us to take a break," Shafiq announced in a booming, casual voice, as though he wasn't just sprouting blood all over the floors (a worried-looking healer was already running towards him). "She had to call a few people from the Chamber of Love to help. This one was out of control." With a shake of his salt-and-pepper head, he let the healer lead him behind a nook surrounded by a white curtain.

Severus used the opportunity to sneak to the Arch, feeling in his gut a throbbing fear which reminded him that time was ticking, that every moment he spent with the Shells was a moment he should have used with the Arch. He slammed his books open angrily, and stared at the Arch with defiance in his eyes.

"Come on," he muttered, sending a spell which was supposed to reveal hidden runes jettisoning from his wand. "Show me!"

For a split second, the whispers increased in fervour, turned into loud shouting where he could just barely make out his own name before he closed his eyes and concentrated on pushing the sounds out of his head. He sat on the floor and pulled a book into his lap, trying to ignore the pull of the Arch, the whispers.

"Shut up," he muttered contemptuously when the rustling whispers did not quite cease. "Shut up, you crumbling piece of bloody rocks! Shut up and _show me!"_

He sent another spell at the Arch, and another string of curse words and general raging, which did not help turn the runes any more comprehensible. Behind him, there was a creaking sound. Severus turned to see Lydia standing at the top of the stairs, the door having just shut behind her. She raised her steel-coloured eyebrow. Severus lowered his wand and scrambled up from the floor.

"You're needed with the Shells - we've put him into a weaker body. The one we used will be disposed of," Lydia announced. She paused for a moment and gave him an odd look. "You do know you don't have to sit here reading the books? You could just as well be in the library. Why won't you do that if the Arch gives you trouble?"

Why not indeed? As Severus grudgingly followed Lydia back to the Shell room, he could not think of any good reason for his insistence to torture himself by spending any more time with the Arch than he had to. Except that in some twisted way, he felt drawn to it, even when he was out of the reach of its pull... he tried not to dwell on that realisation too closely. There was enough on his plate as it was.

When he came home, Lily was yet again in the sitting room reading the book on Patronuses. When she saw him, her eyes widened. She jumped up.

"What's happened to you?" she exclaimed. "Have you been in some accident?"

Severus frowned, then realised she had immediately spotted the bloodied gauze on his hand, under which the skin had become healed hours ago, but which he had forgotten to take off. Lily had already grabbed his hand and rolled the gauze off before Severus had had the time to tell her so. When Lily did not find an open would like she had expected, she cast a confused look up at Severus, who flushed.

"It's healed already," Severus said defensively. "I was... bitten."

"At work?" Lily sounded incredulous. "What do you do – train lions?" She let go of his hand and a mildly amused look spread on her face. "I hope it's not _zombies_ – or should I put you in isolation for the night?"

"Don't be silly," Severus said, feeling a little embarrassed. "The Inferi don't bite people. Usually."

Lily cast him an even more amused look, before announcing that she had made tea. Severus followed her into the kitchen, where Lily pointed him to yet another letter addressed to him. He tore open the envelope to find a very formal and stiff note from Regulus, written on a heavy, expensive parchment bearing the Black family crest, thanking Severus for arranging him accommodation in his "pitiful and degenerate state unfit for a wizard of higher standing" and Severus guessed that his mother had, in the end, come to the knowledge of his true whereabouts for the evening, and that the letter in his hand had been penned under her watchful eye. Severus threw the letter into the ever-growing pile of old Daily Prophets, ads and letters on the windowsill and turned his attention back to Lily, who was digging plates and cutlery out of the cupboards, telling him about the book she had been reading; Severus nodded along but most of what she said went in from one ear and out from the other. Against the candle-lit backdrop of his kitchen, it was very hard not to get lost into a fluffy daydream where she was his wife.

But when they sat down to eat the fish curry Lily had prepared, her momentary light-heartedness seemed to vanish, and she chewed her rice with a worried look on her face.

"How are things at the Ministry?" She asked, before Severus could ask her what was wrong.

Severus avoided her gaze.

"I can't really talk about my work -"

"No, I mean the Ministry in general," Lily said. "The new Minister and all," she specified, when Severus did not show signs of understanding.

"Oh," Severus said. If he was being completely honest, he had nearly forgotten about the newly appointed Minister; the Arch, the Shells and Lily had seemed to consume all his brain power that week. He thought back. "Things seem... quite normal. I mean, people are mooching about the corridors, entrailed in gossip, of course... I haven't really paid attention to them, to be honest," he admitted.

"Have you read the Daily Prophets lately?"

"I've skimmed through the front page every morning," Severus said. "Er - there hasn't been anything about the Diagon Alley Killings, has there? I haven't noticed."

Lily shook her head, to his great relief.

"No," she said slowly. "Nothing new – the bounty still stands, of course. But that's not what's been bothering me." She leaned towards him. "Severus, have you read any of Crouch's interviews?"

"No," Severus said, mildly surprised. "I haven't found it necessary - since he's controlled by his son, his words don't mean anything. He's nothing but a puppet for the Dark Lord."

"But that's the thing," Lily said. She set aside her fork and stared at Severus oddly. "He's saying what You-Know-Who wants him to, isn't he? And what he's been telling is that there will be more Death Eater attacks. He's been making these predictions in every single interview, Sev."

Severus was quiet, digesting the news.

"So - do you know anything?" Lily demanded, staring at him with such a sudden, distrusting look in her eyes that Severus lost his appetite. "Have you heard something? Are you planning something?"

Severus pushed his plate away and avoided her penetrating green gaze.

" _I'm_ not planning anything," he said rather icily. "And I haven't heard anything either."

Lily slumped against her backrest. She bit her lip and turned her gaze towards the candle between them. Severus got up from the table (she did not seem to notice, which irked him oddly) and went to get two glasses and wine from one of the cupboards. Lily still did not look up from the candle when he thrust a glass of wine in front of her, but when he sat back down she raised her gaze.

"It just doesn't make sense," she said, frowning. "They spent all those months hushing up all those disappearances and deaths last winter and spring, all those horrible things you people did -"

" _I_ had nothing to do with any of it," Severus muttered in an undertone, sipping his wine.

" - And now he's basically scaring people out of their wits, promising more attacks? I mean, wouldn't it make more sense for Crouch to pretend that now that _he's_ in charge, people are safe? That he'll put a stop to the Death Eaters - give people what they want? Instead of scaremongering people to death..."

Severus pondered at her words for a good while. Lily was staring at him over the candle, an expectant look on her face, clearly waiting for him to make sense of it. She was, perhaps subconsciously, leaning towards him again.

"But I suppose he can't just deny that the Death Eaters are a threat," Severus finally said. "I mean, the former Minister was tried on grounds of covering up acts of terrorism. Suppose Crouch simply pretended the threat is gone – people would become suspicious he's doing the same."

Lily stared at him over the flickering flame, and he met her gaze calmly. Outside, it was still raining, and the house was enveloped in its steady drumming.

"Yeah," Lily said finally. She slumped back against the backrest of the chair and took a sip of her wine. "I suppose you're right."

But she did not sound entirely convinced.

""

Friday dawned damp and chilly. Severus was up before the sky had turned white, determined to steal some time with the Arch before he had to go to the Shell room again.

But this plan backfired, because as Severus was making his way through the Spin, he was cornered by Rookwood, who chummily wrapped his beefy arm around Severus's shoulder and got into his head to drag him to his office for some sort of a performance assessment ("since we're both early and have the time!"), and Severus found himself spending the next hour replying to inane questions regarding his plans for the future and the course of his career, and whether he was seeking any promotion opportunities in the near future. All the while Rookwood went through his list of questions, Severus sat in his seat and sizzled. He wanted to yell at the man that should these idiotic questions continue much longer he would not have the time to apply for any promotions, seeing as how he would be murdered before the year came to an end. He even wondered whether Rookwood knew this – whether that was the reason the man leisurely slurped at his coffee between questions and cast odd, knowing glances at Severus, who stared back at him expressionlessly, loathing the man with all his heart.

When Rookwood finally set his quill and notebook aside and told Severus he was free to go, it was already nine o'clock, and with an air of disgruntlement and mutiny, Severus trudged straight to the Shell room, where his mood sunk even lower as he was assigned the questionable honour of being the one using the Crucio on the the first Shell of the day; a female, convicted 22 years earlier for a double murder. His wand hand wavered when the woman started trashing against her hospital bed and pleading for mercy.

"That pleading did not hold in court, did it?" Lydia said, smirking dryly and peering into the chart with the woman's information. "Says here you were tried for killing your husband and your child... oh, yes – you slit your daughter's throat, then pushed your husband down the stairs. What was it – a fit of jealousy?" She set the chart aside and stared at the woman, not a hint of empathy in her steely eyes. "Perhaps 22 years hasn't been enough time to think about that particular deed, but I can assure you, perhaps in another 22, or 50, or a hundred years you will come to the conclusion that you actually _deserve_ to be here."

"Nobody deserves this," the woman said, tears glinting in the corners of her eyes. "Nobody deserves an eternity of this!"

"The court quite clearly disagrees with you," Lydia said lightly. "Shafiq – can you compare the average shelf life with such an unusually long pain tolerance? Maybe we should check whether she can still control a body enough to walk..."

Having lost Lydia's attention, the woman turned to look pleadingly at Severus.

"I didn't do what they said I did," she croaked. "You must believe me. I didn't kill her."

Severus stared at the woman without saying a word.

"My husband and I had an argument," the woman pleaded. "He was drunk - violent. I left, and when I came back, he had – he had..." she closed her eyes and grimaced painfully. "He had killed her! My daughter! She was there, in her bed... and I just, I just... pushed him. Off the stairs... oh God..." she squeezed her face in a grimace, and tears fell from her eyes and onto the thin blanket. "If I could just have _her_ back..."

"That's enough," Lydia said sharply. "Severus, help her up, we'll check whether she can still walk... then I think we ought to test her pain tolerance again, just to double check..." she sounded as though she was quite looking forwards to that part.

Severus finally stalked out of the Shell room at the end of the day, feeling oddly disgusted with himself, and unable to forget the woman's pleading cries as he had Crucio'd her. He wished he could just go home and see Lily – vague thoughts of watching the telly with her, or just talking, or anything that might take his mind off things bounced in his mind – but instead he slipped into the next chamber, where the Arch awaited, and with a sigh, rolled up his sleeves. It was Friday, after all. A whole weekend would pass before he would have the time to try again.

But Severus's head was hurting and he was tired, and he knew his labour was useless even before starting, and it did not surprise him when the Arch did not divulge him its secrets that evening. At the end of the evening he was so frustrated that he actually chucked an old dog-eared opus though the veil in a desperate attempt to see what happens when something goes through it. As expected, the book did not jump back out, smelling of fresh ink and wrapped in brand new leather, but instead Severus just found himself one library book short and none the wiser. On his way out he kicked a pile of books so forcefully that several bindings fell apart.

It was raining in Cokeworth again. Severus had Apparated straight to the mudroom, but the sound of the the windows clattering in their frames suggested a storm had begun to assault the town in his absence. He sneered as he remembered the Muggle weather forecaster's optimistic predictions from last weekend, according to which the rain would have ended on Tuesday. The house was, once again, dark and deserted, and the door to Lily's bedroom was firmly shut, much to his disappointment. Severus hovered behind her door for some time, pressing his forehead against the cool wood, and imagined her sleeping in his bed. She had naturally not invited him to sleep next to her since that early morning after Bellatrix's visit, and Severus gloomily thought that he would almost welcome another visit from her if it meant another invitation to Lily's bed.

Feeling a throbbing, hollow longing inside him, Severus went to draw himself a bath, where he floated with his eyes closed in semi-darkness, his head against the cool porcelain side of the tub, and imagined Lily in his arms on the sofa, except this time the bloody salesperson didn't come ringing the doorbell... he imagined what Lily might look like bent over the sofa, her swollen pussy dripping eagerly, widening her thighs for him, just for him... how her supple breast would feel like in his hand, what her whimper might sound like when he pushed into her wet, tight depths, whether she would she arch her back and cry and tremble uncontrollably around his girth when she came...

Severus was shaken out of his lustful fantasies when he suddenly heard movement behind the door; Lily had come out of her room. He froze, guilt flooding him, but did not have long to dwell on the feeling before he realised it sounded like Lily was talking with someone, in a low, hushed voice. Momentarily very worried, Severus straightened himself and was just about to get up from the lukewarm water, when he heard the soft hooting of the owl, and relaxed back against the tub, realising it was just him Lily had been speaking to. The door to Lily's room closed again, and a moment later Severus heard her slide the window open in her room. Then it slid back shut again, and it was quiet.

The sudden reminder that Lily was in the next room, and by all appearances thoroughly uninterested in acting out his sexual fantasies, killed his arousal, and so Severus, after washing himself, climbed out of the tub, pulling a bathrobe around himself. Sexual frustration was scorching him almost as badly as his disappointment with the Arch, and he absent-mindedly wondered how he had ever managed all his horny teenage years as Lily's friend.

As he brushed his teeth he saw his blurred, bleary-eyed reflection in the fogged mirror and turned his gaze away.

""

The rain finally ceased that night, and Severus woke up to bright rays of morning sun landing on his face. He had slept through the night as though in a coma, and was surprised to realise it was already ten o'clock. He stretched, feeling groggy from the abnormally long stretch of sleep, then headed downstairs.

The house looked even more worn out than usual because Lily had at some point of the week pulled back all the curtains, perhaps tired of the constant dim dustiness of the house. Bright light now fell over the faded wallpaper and dark décor, and did not exactly improve the impression – Severus found his mood sinking as he assessed his grim dwellings. Despite the sun, it was still the coldest morning of the autumn so far, and the freezing temperature was unheard of for late September, and so the first thing he did was set up a blazing fire into the sitting room fireplace, feeling just slightly better in its homey warmth. He felt quite nervous as he pondered at the two full days alone with Lily stretching ahead.

Deciding to go to the shop before Lily woke up, Severus went to change into Muggle clothes and then headed to the mudroom. He was just about to reach for the wardrobe door for a coat, when he heard steps from behind himself, and turned to see Lily in the doorway. She was clad in the light blue dressing gown again, and her red hair was falling messily over her breasts. Severus flushed and averted his gaze, vividly reminded of his last night's fantasies.

"Morning," Lily said. "Where are you going? You don't work on Saturdays, do you? Wait... it _is_ Saturday, isn't it?" She scrunched her face, looking as though she was doubting herself.

"It is," Severus confirmed quietly. He turned back towards the wardrobe. "I'm just going to the shop to get some more supplies. Do you need anything in particular?"

"No," said Lily.

Severus pulled the wardrobe door open. He felt Lily's presence behind himself, as though she was emanating some sort of magnetism equivalent to the Arch's pull, and busied himself with rummaging through the contents of the wardrobe. A Muggle coat today, he thought, eyeing the lines of dark fabric hanging inside. The vision of Lily bent over the sofa flashed in his mind's eye again.

"I'm going to see James today," Lily said behind him. "At four."

Severus's fingers froze around the hanger.

"I got a letter from him last night. About time, too, I was so worried when I didn't hear back from them..."

The coat slipped from the hanger and crumpled on the floor of the wardrobe. Severus's heart had seemed to stop in his chest, but now it jump-started, pumping his veins full of adrenaline within seconds. He suddenly experienced a strange feeling, the same sort he had experienced when he had watched Lily snog Potter in the Great Hall all those months ago; as though he knew where they were heading, what would now happen, inevitably...

"I see," he said softly, fresh jealousy seething inside him like bitter poison. "And do you think that's... safe?"

"Dumbledore has vetted them both – him and Remus, I mean," Lily said."And James sent me arrival instructions directly to his new house. It's a cool spell really, there's this photograph of the house, and I'll just have to tap -"

"And where shall I look for you if you don't come back?" Severus interrupted without giving a toss about any cool spells of Potter's. He yanked the coat out of the wardrobe and slammed the door shut so forcefully it jumped back open. Lily went quiet. The thought of all the spare houses James Potter owned and had the audacity to invite Lily into made Severus's blood boil, but he coerced his voice to stay under control as he continued in silky voice, "I mean - from which _cemetery_?"

"I will be fine," Lily said in a slightly warning sort of tone which Severus had no trouble ignoring. "You're not responsible for my safety, Severus. I can take care of myself. And besides, they won't let anything happen to me."

"Funny, but I was under the impression that I _am_ responsible for your safety," Severus said, pushing the wardrobe door shut again and turning to face her. "I thought that was the whole point of you being here? So do you really expect me to just let you go without knowing what is happening to you and how to reach you? With a wand you can barely use?"

His voice was no longer quite a silky as he had hoped.

"'Let me go?'" Lily repeated in a stunned voice. She frowned. "For God's sake, Severus, you're not my _father!_ I get that you're worried, but unless _you_ go and tell the Death Eaters where to find me, I doubt they'll ever find me where I'm going!"

"He's a werewolf!" Severus snapped, clutching at the only thing that might stop her, feeling his face heat up. " _Lupin._ I know it for a _fact_ – it wasn't just some random thought I had in my head when we were at school. I saw it – it was him in the Shrieking Shack, that evening Black coaxed me into going there! I just couldn't tell you about it because I might have gotten expelled if the word got out. Surely you agree that it's not wise to trust someone like _him_?"

Lily bit her lip.

"I know he is a werewolf," Lily said unhappily. "But he's not like most of them! He's not the way we were taught in Defence Against the Dark Arts, Severus. He doesn't have any reason to give away my location to You-Know-Who -"

"You are joking," Severus said. He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again. When he spoke again, he tried very hard to sound reasonable. "There are 10 000 Galleons worth of reasons for him to blow the whistle, Lily! You're risking too much. It's not worth it, just getting your wand back. Just use an owl and get it delivered!"

He didn't really care about Lupin, nor did he in his heart of hearts believe Lupin to be a traitor. As much as Severus disliked him, it was Potter he cared about – or rather, he cared about where a rendez-vous with him might lead. He already saw, with his mind's eye, Lily falling into Potter's arms... Potter's jeers in his nightmare rung in his head...

"Remus is not like Peter. And I won't trust my wand on some owl – least of all on ours, he's not even trained!" Lily sounded scandalised at the mere suggestion. "And besides, it's not just about the wand. I _want_ to see them."

"You mean you want to see _him!_ "

The words had slipped out of Severus's mouth without any conscious decision.

From her eyes Severus knew Lily had understood he was no longer talking about Lupin. A silence fell over the mudroom. They faced each other tensely. Severus felt embarrassment over his uncontrollable emotional outburst, but his anger triumphed over it. His hands had curled into fists.

Lily eyed him carefully, then seemed to decide that he was uncomfortably close and took a step back from him, to the other side of the threshold. She crossed her arms defensively.

"What's this all of a sudden?" Lily asked quietly. "You seem really aggressive, Severus, and I don't like it one bit. If you mean to intimidate me, you can save your effort, because I'm not afraid of you - and I'm going either way."

Severus pursed his lips even tighter, but relaxed his stance and uncurled his fists in an attempt to seem calmer than he was.

"I'm not trying to intimidate you, Lily - I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. But you're not safe if you go," he said, willing to calm his voice, though he couldn't help his lip from curling in distaste. "No matter how many _friendly_ little werewolves are awaiting you there – it's still not safe."

"But Remus and the rest is not the real problem, is it?" Lily pointed out, seeing through his bluff. "You just don't want me to see _James_ , is that it?"

"Precisely," Severus spat.

Then he snapped his mouth shut again.

Lily paused, clearly having expected him to deny it; he had, too. Severus flushed violently. And as he glared at her, he suddenly saw her cheeks flush too. She wrapped her arms around herself again and stared somewhere a little over Severus's shoulder, an uneasy expression on her face.

"Why?" She whispered.

Severus turned his eyes to the worn rug between them and didn't reply. What the hell could he say? That he was madly jealous? That he was afraid she'd choose to remain in the comforts of Potter's undoubtedly nice house instead of returning to the dilapidated house of his parents? That the very idea of her anywhere near Potter made his stomach squirm, as though a pile of poisonous serpents were writhing within him? That the thought of the two of them together was utterly sickening?

"I told you I was going to see them - last weekend, remember?" Lily said finally when the silence had stretched and he hadn't spoken a word. "I didn't get the impression that you were this against it then."

"Well, I happen to think it's an astonishingly bad idea! I just didn't say so before because I didn't realise you intended to go behind my back and write -" Severus started angrily, his head snapping back up.

"' _Go behind your back?'_ " Lily repeated in astonishment, silencing Severus, who settled on just glaring at her darkly. "Just listen to yourself, Severus! Who do you think you _are?_ You're not my father, but you're not my bloody _husband_ either!"

Severus snapped his mouth shut so forcibly his teeth audibly clanged together.

"Fine," he snapped coldly. "Since we have successfully established that I am neither your father nor your husband and thus according to you I have no right to be concerned for your well-being, I can only wish that the next time I see you it won't be in some dank dungeon where the other Death Eaters will without a doubt throw you if you are caught – before killing you, that is. I hope you won't expect me to come and save you from _there._ "

"I don't need _you_ to save me, Severus Snape!" Lily scoffed condescendingly.

"That's surprising to hear - considering your track record of being utterly _useless_ when it comes to it!" Severus said just as condescendingly, and felt dark satisfaction at seeing the hurt on Lily's face, which soon turned back into anger. He straightened himself and stared down on Lily over his nose. "But suit yourself – be stubborn. And don't blame me if you get yourself killed - I won't stand in the way of your foolishness."

"Fine, I won't!" Lily hissed angrily, red spots on her cheeks. "Thanks for the permission, _dad._ "

"Fine!" Severus barked, his blood roaring. He made a dismissive gesture. "Go on, then! What are you still waiting for? Go see your stupid little _boyfriend!_ "

Lily nodded angrily. She turned on her heel and vanished from view.

Severus was seething in jealousy and rage. He wanted to shout after Lily, to yell at her to get out of his house and shack back up with Potter if she loved him so fucking much, but in his frustration settled on just grabbing the nearest thing that happened in his hand from the hat stand behind him – his mother's old scarf - and hurling it across the room, where it unsatisfyingly leisurely fluttered on the floor without as much as making a sound.

But after the ends of Lily's long, red hair had disappeared from view, Severus's anger quickly subsided and he was suddenly gripped with an intense fear instead. What was he _doing?_ Was he _trying_ to get rid of her?

He strode after her, nearly slipping on the scarf – he ran across the hall, up the stairs to stairs at a time, and reached Lily at the top of the stairs. He grabbed her wrist. Lily jumped and whirled around, her green eyes wide, the arm Severus clutching tense.

"I'm sorry," Severus panted, loosening his hold ever so slightly. "I'm sorry for snapping at you. I'm just freaking out over... over everything that could happen if you leave. I couldn't take it if... if something happened. I'm sorry, ok? "

He didn't let go of her hand. Lily paused and swung on her heel, looking like she was teetering between anger and uncertainty. She finally leaned against the wall and sighed.

"Severus... you don't have to worry about my safety. I trust James, and I trust Remus. Nothing's going to happen - I'll be back here by six tonight. It's just a couple of hours, that's all. All right?"

"Can you promise me?" Severus demanded greedily, tightening his hold on her. "Will you _promise_ me that you'll be back by then? So that I won't have to think... so that I won't worry..."

Lily stared at him, with those beautiful green eyes of hers.

"Of course," she said quietly. "Of course I promise. _Nothing's_ going to happen."

Severus certainly hoped so. He hoped nothing would happen; no attacks, no betrayals - and no intimate moments between two old reunited lovers. Jealousy still fluttered inside him like a swarm of bloodthirsty bats gnawing at his heart.

"Will you let me cast the tracing spell back on you?" he asked impulsively. "So that I'll know you're all right -"

Lily pursed her lips.

"No," she said. "I'm sorry, Severus – but no. That's a violation of my privacy."

She withdrew her hand from his and tightened the dressing gown around herself.

"But -"

"No buts, Severus," she said sternly. "You can't demand that from me - I have next to nothing of my own left, and I won't have my privacy taken away from me too. I will be fine," she added after a pause in a slightly gentler voice, apparently trying to soften the blow. "You're just going to have to trust me. All right?"

Severus stared at her. Lily wasn't wearing anything underneath the dressing gown, Severus's mind registered hazily. She was oozing soft intriguing promises and sex and if Potter got his hands on her he would never let go. If Severus let her go now, he would never see her again. So how could he trust her? If she came back, it would only be to pack her bags.

"Six o'clock," Lily said again. She disentangled her hand from his clutches and hugged herself. "All right? Six o'clock."

She nodded reassuring to him, flashed him something resembling a smile. Then she turned on her heel and Severus flinched when the door to her room closed between them.

A cold, terrible feeling had settled inside him. He heard how in her room, Lily was moving around, perhaps dressing up, preparing herself for her meeting with Potter. He imagined dully the dressing gown slipping from her shoulders.

Unable to bear it, Severus turned and strode back down the stairs. The front door slammed closed behind him, but he was already gone, the gate of the yard groaning behind him.


End file.
